All language subtitles for My Bosss Daughter (2003) 1080p

[ "If I Had $1000000"
by Barenaked Ladies]

You know, you ever
heard someone say
that old expression,

"Everything happens
for a reason"?

Well, I don't think
that applies to me.

I mean, I spend every
morning rushing to work

trying to catch the same subway to the same lousy job.

What's the reason for that?

See, I'm a researcher

for one of the biggest
publishing houses in Chicago,

but where I really belong is in Creative. The problem is,

is my boss doesn't know it yet,
so I'm totally frustrated.

While my friend Paul
keeps telling me,

"You gotta be optimistic.
You gotta be positive."

OK. OK. You know what?

Today is gonna be my lucky day. Today is gonna be my...

Aah!

Oh!

Wow!
Hey, look at that.
It's your lucky day.

Did you just see that?

Oh, I've seen it
a million times.

You want it?
No.

I don't want it. Go ahead.
You got a new briefcase.

Yeah, maybe it's got a name
on it or something.

Oh, come...
What are you, nuts?
What?

You're gonna return it?
Yeah.

Did you not just say
you needed a new one?

Yeah, when I get my raise.

Haven't you been working
there for, like, a year?

I bet Taylor doesn't even know
you work there. I'd be pissed.

Are you pissed?
I'd be pissed.

Yeah, I'm-I'm a little pissed.

You know, come to think of
it, I've never really
seen you angry before.

Henderson, you ever
seen Tom really angry?

No.

All right, fine.
So I don't get angry.

What is that, a bad thing?

It's, you know,
you keep it bottled up

and then sooner or later
you come into work

and you mow everyone down
with one of those...

AK-47.

AK-47. You know, just
to impress, uh...

Jodie Foster.
Jodie Foster.

[chuckles]All right. I'll do
it on your day off, all right?

[Paul]Touche.

There she is.
It's your Jodie Foster.

Paul, come on, man.
How you ever gonna get
to know her

if you just sit there?
It's Taylor's daughter, man.
I can't just...

You can't just what? Huh?

Are you gonna be a loser
your whole life? Hmm?

Just go over there
and talk to her. Go. Go.

OK, fine. I'm going.

I'm going.
You're going.

[conductor]Lake Street.
Lake Street is next.

You're Tom Stansfield, right?
From Research?

Yeah. Yeah. Tom.

Tom Stansfield.

Stansfield from Research.

It's a growing sport,
you know?

Paul, there is no way that
she thought that it was
a wrestling magazine.

Oh, come on.
Get over it, OK?

You're a little embarrassed.
It happens, OK?

Let me tell you something.
If I had a dime for every time

a gay naked magazine fell
out of my... I'm kidding.

What? Paul!

No. But seriously,
so you're a little humiliated.

At least now we've established
that she knows who you are,
right?

I'm gonna have to
leave the company.
No, you're not.

Oh, God. There she is.

Oh, and I need to see the proofson Thailand immediately.

What else have we got?

Are you Tom?

Yes.

Mr. Taylor wants to see you.

Oh... OK.
OK.

OK, you see?
This is your chance.

This is fate. This is
what I'm talking about.

It's about that new opening
in Creative and you're
the man for the job.

You're gonna go in there
and you're gonna pitch
him those book ideas.

No, I just...
I'm really not ready.

Let's get to business.
Now we're steppin' up. OK.

Come on. You're
gonna go in there,

you're gonna pitch him
an inside curve...

Wait, wait. Where
is my blue folder?

You don't need it. Enough with
the excuses already. Come here.

You look good.
You feel good?

I feel like I'm gonna throw up.

Well, that's good.
I want you to use that, OK?

What is this? This dad's?It's nice. Now get in there, OK?

Don't-don't touch my ass.

What? It was a light spank.
It was light.

Hey.
Hey.

Uh, do I just go in there?
Um, no.

He's not finished yet, but
you can have a seat over there.

Oh, OK. [English accent]
Let me explain
something to you, Henderson.

I did not dislike your ideas.

I found them loathsome.

I hated them.

You're dismissed.

From your office?

Nice try.

Good luck.
You're gonna need it...

He's ready to see you.
You can come in.

[Henderson]You know what?
We should have never let up
after the Revolution!

Sit down. Sit down.
Coffee?

We shouldn't have left you
a toehold. We should have
driven you into the sea!

Now... what's this I hear
about you making threats

to spray this place
with an AK-47?

What?

Oh, oh, oh.

No. That...
I was just making a joke.

Oh, that's funny to you?Killing everyone in this office?

No. No. No, no, no, no.

The... Paul said how
I never get angry...

And what about you
making fun of midgets?

I never made fun of midgets.

You said it'd be fun to date one

because then you could rest
your beer on her head.

No. No, I never said
anything like that.

Apparently Henderson
thinks you did.

Now I've got
a good sense of humor,

but that's just plain sick.

But, sir, I didn't say...

Audrey?

Which file did I ask you for?
Uh, the Platt file?

John Platt.
Not Sam Platt.

I'm sorry. I guess
I didn't think that...

That's right. You didn't think.

Now if it's not
too much trouble,

if you could fetch me
the right file...
OK.

And get Tom and me
some doughnuts.
OK.

Now...

I'm told you've been trying
to schedule a meeting with me

about some ideas.
What are they?

Oh, uh... yeah.
I had-I had some ideas.

Something wrong with the coffee?

Uh, no. It's fine.

Why'd you make a face?

What?

Oh, well... It's-it's
a little bitter, but...

Jesus. Audrey, get in here!

Sir, really, it's f...
It's not a problem.

I've burped up stuff
better than this.

Sir, it's fine.
Is something wrong?

Taste Tom's coffee.

No, really. It's OK.

How would you rate that?

Well, it's not that great.

Not that great? I guess so.
Tom thinks it's shit.

Audrey, are you retarded?

It's not a rhetorical question.Are you retarded?

No, I'm not retarded.

Because a retarded person
can make a cup of coffee.
Am I right, Tom?

Oh, I... I don't-
I don't really know much

about the limitations
of the handicapped.

I know of an employment agency
that hires out retarded people
for $4 an hour.

So, if making a cup of coffeeis too difficult a task for you,Miss Bennett,

perhaps you'd be good enough
to let me know,

and I'll contact this agency andgive a retarded person a job.

I wasn't too rough
on her, was I?

Well, she is new and all.
Maybe I was out of line.

But do you understand
what I'm dealing with?

I mean, here I am trying to
fill a position in Creative,

and I can't seem to
find one person

responsible enough to
earn my trust.

I sometimes wonder if
anyone here even knows
what they're doing.

I can understand how you could
see it that way, sir, but...

So you don't think I
was out of line?

Well, if what you're saying
is that a company

is only as strong as its weakestlink, that makes sense, but...

Exactly. That's exactly right.

A company is only as strong
as its weakest link.

Yeah...
Audrey, get in here!

You were right, Tom.
I was too soft on her.

What now?
Audrey, after talking it
over with Tom here,

I've come to realize that
I'm gonna have to let you go.

You're firing me?!
I'm sorry. It's
just not working out.

But, sir, I was suggesting...
I take my job
very seriously.

A chain is only as strong
as its weakest link.

Right, but there's
a whole other side.
Thanks for the support.

Audrey, empty out your desk
by the end of the day.

Fine.
Sir, this... I...

Thanks for straightening
me out there, Tom.

Right, right. But I didn'tget to say what I wanted to say.

Oh, your ideas, of course.
Schedule an appointment
with my new secretary.

Tom.

Are you OK?
Uh... yeah, sure.

I'm guessing by the way you lookhe's on another one of his
rampages this morning.

Definitely.
Damn.

I was hoping to catch him
in a good mood.

Yeah, that's, um... that's
probably not gonna happen.

I'm supposed to go to
this party tonight,

but my dad's making me housesit

for his stupid bird
while he's away this weekend.

Well, why don't you go
in there and tell him
you're not gonna do it?

I can't just...

You can't just what?
Live your own life
and have a free weekend?

No, it's not that.

Well...

Wait, it is that.
Yeah.

I should just go to that party.
Yeah, of course.

Well, um...

OK, I'm gonna
go back to, uh, work.

OK, sure.

Tom?

I know this might seem
a little out of place

because we barely
even know each other,

but do you have
any plans tonight?

Uh... no.
I'm-I'm wide open.

We won't be home too late.
Hey, it's no problem.

So the party starts at seven.
You could be at my dad's house
by six?

Sure.
You sure you're cool with this?

Are you kidding me?

Tom, you're such a sweetheart.

Thank you so much. I'm gonna
love you forever for this.

All right. Yeah,
who's the man now?
See? What'd I tell you?

[chuckles]I'm a lady-killer.

How the hell could he be
so excited about housesitting?

He's nice, Daddy. That's how.

Most guys wouldn't even
offer to do that.

I don't know if I want him
around my bird.

Oh, Dad,
will you just relax?

It's gonna be fine.
I promise, OK?

I'll check in as soon as
I get there. Eight o'clock.

If I sense anything's wrong,
you're coming back here.

OK. OK.

[ light rock]

Very good. Right on time.

Oh, sir. Uh...

Hey, is that a bear trap?
Yes.

It's to keep the neighbor's kidsout of my yard.

Sir, I just wanted to
let you know how much
I appreciate you...

well... letting tonight happen.

I mean, I know it means a lot
to Lisa, and I think you're
doing the right thing.

I don't know what
you're planning, Stansfield,

but your attitude
is making me very nervous.

Those socks
are clean, right?

Um...

You hesitated.
Put those on.

Are you serious?

If you want to watch TV,
the remote's there.

That panel controls the lights,
alarm, skylight, etc.

Yeah, I probably won't
use any of that stuff.

You know, since the party
starts at seven.

Party? I made it
clear to Lisa

you're not to have
any guests in here.

You're the only one
allowed in the house.

What? Lisa's not here?

No. Of course not.

Lisa's at the party...

and I'm staying here.

Is this concept too complicated
for you, Stansfield?

Don't touch the furniture.

And this is my bird's room.

[chuckles]He's got
his own room?

That's cool.

[gasps]

How's my little boy?

This is OJ.
OJ? Like the murderer?

No. Like the football player.
OJ Simpson.

I've set the alarm.

When you hear it
go off, feed him.

[mice squeaking]

Aw. What do I feed
these little guys?

They don't get fed.
They are the food.

His diet varies,
but they're his favorites.

Hey, don't you have to
shut these doors?

Not anymore. He's been depressedsince his mate died.

He won't fly.

Just sits in his cage.

Medication.

Give him two
of these at ten o'clock.

I have to shove these
down his throat?

Just one. The other
is inserted into his rectum.

Don't worry.It's not too unpleasant for him.

He doesn't bite, does he?
No. Not unless
you taunt him.

Not planning on taunting
him, are you, Tom?

No.
I mean,
that'd be really sick.

No, of course not.

And the most important thing,

make sure he gets
a pint of water.

The medication tends to dry him
out and then he can't breathe.

OK.
Well, I must be off.

Henderson should be
waiting outside.

Henderson?
I thought you fired him.

Because his ideas were
stupid? Of course not.

He's gonna drive me
to the train station.

So, you can leave as soon
as Lisa and Hans get back.

Hans?

Lisa's boyfriend.

So remember, uh... water in
the bowl, medication, and...

anything happens to this house
while I'm gone, I'll kill you.

[door shuts]

[Paul over phone]
You're housesitting?
You gotta be kidding me.

[Tom]I know, it sucks.

What are you talking about?
Don't you see? This is a test.

You watch Taylor's house,
come up with a couple of
great ideas

and if everything goes smooth,
you get the promotion.

You think so?
Of course I do.
What could be easier?

[crackles]

[ "Not What I Wanted"
by Evan Olson]

[Lisa giggling] What are you
doing, Hans? Come here.

Baby, you're gonna burn so bad
if you don't let me put this
on you right now.

Oh, my God. You scared me,
Hans. You're insane.

Put that down.

Want to put some on me?
Put some lotion on me.

Is Jack around?

Hey... what? Who are you?

It's OK. I'm Red Taylor.
I'm Jack's son.

I let myself in the back.

Oh. Hey. Tom Stansfield.
Hey.

Tom, nice to meet you. Am I
interrupting something here?

Oh, no.

Uh... I was... uh...
Oh, your shoes.

Nike. Uh, listen, Tom,
can you do me a favor?

I lost my TV Guide.

I came over here to see if maybemy dad's got a copy of one.

You haven't seen a copy of the
guide laying around, have you?

My sister in?
No, actually she's out
for the evening.

Bingo. [chuckles]

Oh.

So, uh, you're here to...

Housesit.
Oh.

Yeah, it's probably
for the best

if you don't, uh, tell
Lisa that I stopped by.

Why? Is there a problem?

Well, you know
how uptight she is.

Really?
I'm more the free spirit
of the family.

Oh. Oh, boy.

See that right there?

Kirstie Alley?
Yeah.

I dated her maid.
Really?

Wow,
that's really something.

Hey, listen. Could you do me
a favor? It's no big deal.

Uh, sure.

A business associate
of my dad's

is gonna come by
to pick this up.

It's frozen steaks,
it's a gift.

Dad says that's the way
the guy likes 'em.

What are you gonna do?

Will you give it to him?

[doorbell]

Just one second.

[doorbell]

Audrey.
Tom.

[man]Let's go! Come on!

Oh, I guess this makes sense.

He's got you
living with him now?

Uh, no. I'm just
watching his place.
[car horn]

He's... Jack's out of town.

He is? Aw, shoot!

I came by 'cause I was
hoping to get my job back.

You know, the one that
you got me canned from

'cause I made a bad cup
of coffee? Remember that?

Listen, I'm really sorry
about that.

How can you fire someone formaking a bad cup of coffee, huh?

I know. That's what
I tried to say to him.

I might have had
a future at that place

if you'd just give me
half a chance.

[man]Let's get a move on,
saddlebag!
Oh, my God.

That's my idiot boyfriend.

[car horn]
Hold your pants,
you freakin' psycho!

God. He drives me crazy.

Oh, hey, you know,
since you're on the rug,

would you mind
putting these on?

They're medical...
Ugh! Licorice.

I hate licorice. I need water
or I'm gonna throw up. Ugh!

Thanks to you, I lost
my second job inside a month

and now I'm flat broke.

You lost another job?

Yeah, I got fired from my
waitress job just last Friday.

Why did they fire you?
Oh, I don't know.

One of the assistant managers

caught me making out
with a customer.

Excuse me?
Actually the customer
was my boyfriend.

I mean, he became my boyfriend
after the incident anyway.

You got any beer in here?
Uh... Hey...

Ah, here we go.
Would you mind
putting these on?

It's a house rule. Oh,
actually, that's a twist...

Aah! That's
the counter.

Listen. Jack, is just a real
stickler. That'd be great.

No kidding. I found
that out this morning.

[man]I swear I am
gonna freak out...

Oh, man.
Spike's in a real mood.
Uh...

Don't even... hey.
[doorbell]

Come on, come on, come on. Shit.

[Spike yells]I swear
to God! Let's go!

[knocking/doorbell]
If you don't open
the door this second,

I'm gonna come in there and...

Hi.
[burps]

[clatter]
Don't worry. Nothing broke.

Hey. Baby, come on.

What are you doing leaving me
in the goddamn car?

Shake that tail, baby.
Come on. Let's get a move on.

Hold your horses and
try acting civilized.
Audrey!

This is Tom, the guy
I was telling you about.

Oh, the coffee dude.

You got some black-ass karma
headed your way, superfreak.

Oh, we don't need no lecture
from you, Mr. High and Mighty.

Hey, shut that sass-trap
of yours, little lady,

before I bounce you
off the wall!

Look, I would appreciate it

if you would take this
outside, please.
Hey,

I'd appreciate it if you'd go
and buy yourself a bagel, Jewy.

Jewy? I'm not Jewish.
And I don't think that

making fun of the...

I'm nuts?
Who do you
think you are?

Look, can we please
take this outside?
Oh, come on.

You know what you are?
You're a filthy, little tramp.

Me? What about you
and that waitress?
Keep going.

I never touched her, ever.

Swear?
So help me God.

You swear on your mama's life?

Hell, woman, I ain't gonna
swear on my mama's life.

Why not, if you're
telling the truth?

I think he's telling
the truth, Audrey.

Then why won't you swear
on your mama's life?

Well, because I don't feel
like I have the right

to gamble with my
mama's life, that's why.

Gamble? But apparently
you got nothing to worry about

unless you're lying
like a hunk of morgue meat.

Hey, I ain't gonna sit here

and get called a liar
by no skankin' whore!

Who you calling a whore,
you shrimpy-dimpy bastard?!

Audrey, see, now you're
just provoking him.
That's a vicious, flat-out,

bold-faced lie and you know it!
Is it? Is it?
I don't think so!

I'll whip it out right now!
No, no, no.
I don't wanna see it.

I'm gonna whip it outright now

and prove to you
that she's a lying slut!

Keep your meat
in the fridge!
You wanna see my piece?

All right. All right!
That is enough!

Go get me a ruler, Tom!
You go get...
That is it.

I don't care if
you have a tiny shrimp!

Or a giant whale,
which that's...
Goddamn it, Audrey!

You tell him you're a liar

or I'm gonna smash
your face in, I swear!

Wait a minute!
You put that down!

All right. Can we
please just use fists?

Come here, you little... [slaps]
You hit me, you bastard!

I did not and you know it!
He hit me!

He hit me as sure as
I'm standing right here!

Did you hit her, Spike?
Yes.

With an open hand.
It was with an open hand.

So what if it's open?
You can't...

Then it don't count.

Says who?

Says anyone. Ask the Jew.

All right, that's it.
You two have got to leave.

All right, that's fine.
But she is not coming with me.

You are not welcome in
the double wide.

Fine, I don't care.
I don't need your
lousy trailer.

I'll stay right here
with Tom.
Fine. Stay with Tom.

I'll stay right here.
Wait a minute. Whoa.

Guys, you need to try
to work this thing out.

He hit me!
He knocked me on my can!
I know. I know.

Well, but it was with
an open hand after all, and...

Relationships have their
ups and downs, you guys,

and you don't want to
ruin this great...

[distressed hooting]

Oh, God. The bird. OJ!

Oh, my God.

[continues hooting]

[squeals]
Oh.

You come back here and
Tom's gonna kick your butt!

So take that!

[revs engine]Ooh, I'm
shaking in my boots, baby!

Look at those two, OJ.

[phone ringing]

[Spike]Oh, I ain't
running away, dummy!

Hello?
[Lisa] Hi, Tom. How are ya?

Hey. Lisa. I'm great. I'm great. [OJ squawks]

Is that OJ?
Yeah, yeah.

We just had
a little drink of water.

I haven't heard him
squawk in years.

Oh, yeah. He's quite
the crazy bird, you know.

Yeah. Anyway, Tom,
I just wanted you to know

how much I appreciate
you helping me out tonight.

But I'd like to crash at
a friend's place tonight

after the party. Would
you think it was horrible

if I asked you to stay
the whole night tonight?

Oh, well... I-I don't think yourdad would want me staying here.

Please?

Yeah, I suppose I could stay.

Thanks, Tom.
I really appreciate it.

See you tomorrow.

[Audrey]I ain't afraid of you

and Tom sure as hell
ain't scared neither!

Butthead! Loser!

[tires screeching]

Oh, my God.
Thank God he's gone.

Hey, so is it OK
if I stay here tonight?

Oh, man, it's...
it's not even my house.

Oh, yeah.

OK. Well, I sure as hell
don't want any charity.

I mean, it's not like
you owe me anything, so...

And I'm sorry about
that whole office thing.

I know that you didn't
mean to get me fired.

Yeah. You didn't
deserve to get fired.

Thanks.

OK.

Well, I guess I'll just go tryto find a homeless shelter then.

Wait a second.

Yeah?

[sighs]God.

Look, I suppose you can stay.

Really? Oh! Thanks, Tom.

You're the best. Oh, and I'll
clean up the kitchen, OK?

OK.
OK. OK.

[doorbell/knocking]

[Tom]Yeah. One second.

[knocking]
There's somebody at the door.

Hi. Uh, can I help you?

Vasquez sent me here
to pick up a package.

Oh, you're the...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Red told me you
might be stopping by.

Uh... Oh, hi. I'm Tom.

What is this, Oprah? Just
give me the goddamn package.

Oh, OK. Yeah. Um...

I think this is it.

If this ain't kosher,
I'm gonna break his thumbs.
Oh, well,

by law, it should be stamped
right on the package there.

[ opera]
What...

[squawks]

Oh. Dinnertime, buddy.

[aria continues]

OJ...

today's specials include
a scrumptious buffet
of mice kebabs.

[squawks]

[gasps]Oh, shit!

Oh, crap.

Oh, damn.

You son of a bitch.

[squeaks]
Ha.

[grunts] [chuckles]
I got you now, buddy.

[squealing]

Aah! [groans]

[squawks]

Dude, that was cool.

Oh, my God.

Tommy, easy on the antiques.

[squawking]

Was that an owl?
Yes. OJ got out.
How is he flying?

Well, he is a bird.
He... No, Jack
said that he...

Aw, shit! I gotta find him.

Don't worry. He'll probably
come back when he's hungry.

No, I have to find him
or I'm gonna lose my job!

You know what?

This isn't gonna help
your chances of getting
your job back either.

OK.

Where the hell is he?

Tom, relax.
Relax?

OJ's loose!
[gasping]

This is no time to relax!
Tom! He's right over here!

Right there, right
there, right there!

OJ!

Right there!
OJ!

Stop! No, no. Stop. Stop.

OJ. OJ...

Get up.

What the hell you doing on my
property? Planning to rob me?

No. I-I was just looking for...

Yeah, yeah. I see
what you're looking for.

You got a thing
for young girls, eh?
No.

Then why do you keep
eyeing my wife, you perv?

Your... No,
I wasn't looking. I...

Arthur, are you gonna be back
soon? I need you to spot me.

Just give me a minute, honey.

Oh... Please don't kill me.
I'm not gonna
kill you, OK.

If you let me live, I'll give
you my most valued possession.

Here, take it. You know
what that is, don't you?

Evander Holyfield's ear.

What?

The part of the ear that Mike
Tyson bit off and spit out.

But it's white.
So?

So, shouldn't it be black?

Well, if it's still
on his head, sure.

But anybody knows that a
severed ear loses its color.

No.

Sheryl?
Yeah?

What happens to an ear if
it's severed from your head?

It changes color. Duh.

[thud]
[Sheryl]Ow! Damn!

[Audrey]Tina, give me a beer.
[man laughs]

[Tina]Oops.
[man]You have got
to be kidding me.

[Audrey]Try another one.
[Tina]Come on, you guys!

[clatter]
[Tina]Party!

Come on, let's go!

Audrey...

What the hell
is going on in here?

Who are these people?

I invited some friends over
to help us look for the owl.

And Darryl even fixed
the table in the hall.

Thank you.
He won't even know
it was broken.

[bottle breaks]
[man]Air ball.

We'll get that later.

Everyone, this is Tom.

Yo, Tom.
Hi, guys.

You guys, Tom's
a real good guy...

Audrey, could you...

What?
Listen, I appreciate
all your help.

But could you make sure
that your friends
stay out of the house?

All of them
or just the colored guy?

No, all of them.

Ooh, that's smart.

That way the colored guy
won't take it personal.

I have nothing against...
Look...

What?
I am responsible
for this house

and I can't have all of
these people hanging around.

OK, all right. I got it.

Oh, you guys, let's move it out.

Aw, I was just
getting started.
Good idea.

Thanks, guys.
That's great.

[Tina]What about the cake?

Don't worry,
they're all good people.

They're not gonna steal nothing

or drink too much
like the Indians.

Look... just make sure
they stay outside.

OK?
OK.

[door opens/shuts]

Lisa?
Hi, Tom.

Uh, you're home?

Why are you home?

It's not worth going into.

I got in a huge fight
with Hans.

Oh. So... it's over?

It's my own fault for
dating a guy my dad likes.

Really?

Yeah, he's one of his
top marketing execs.

You know, Harvard Law,
comes from a good family,

top of the tennis ladder
at the country club.

Tom, can I talk to you
for a second?

Audrey?
Yeah.

She came to, uh,
talk to your dad.

OK. I'm gonna go in my room.
You could stay if you want.

OK.

Tom?

Audrey, I'll be right there, OK?

OK.

Or you could go.

You know, maybe we could talk...

..later.

Yeah. How about this one?

What's going on?
We found the owl!

Where is he?
Uh, well, he got away.

Where'd he go?
He hopped somewhere
into the bushes.

That's right.
What are you doing?

Getting hamburger meat.
It's a good way to lure birds.

They like hamburger meat?

I don't know.
I've never had a bird.

But most animals
respond to meat.
It's a fact.

Wanna help me
separate the meat?

Speed, tell Tom about
the Kennedy assassination.

This is so cool, Tom, 'cause
Speed knows who killed JFK.

No, ask him! Tom, ask him.

Ask him who killed him.
All right. All right.

Who killed JFK?

Desi Arnaz.

Oh.

His life just changed.

[squeaking]

Oh.

Oh, God.

Oh... oh... oh...

Tom!

[gasps]Shit! Lisa.

Uh, what are you
doing in here?

Oh. Oh...

Uh, I had
something in my pants.

Um, I was feeding
the mouse to the bird

and he, uh, ran down my pants.

[mice squeaks]

I'm sorry that, uh...

Oh, look! There it is!
That way! The bedroom.

Ooh, watch out!
Aah! [groans]

Oh, my gosh. Are you OK?
Yep. Yep, I'm good.

Don't worry,
we'll get it later.

Oh, here. Let me help you.

You know, I'm really
glad you stayed.

I needed
a good laugh tonight.
Thanks.

Wow. Yeah, could I make
a bigger ass out of myself?

Do you want some wine?

Uh, no, thanks.

Yeah, sure.
Cheers.

Cheers.

Oh, my God. Is that signed
by Walter Payton?

Yeah. "Sweetness,"'85 Bears.

Only the greatest team
ever to play the game.

Shut up. Walter Payton,
Jim McMahon, Mike Singletary...

You know what? You may be
the coolest girl ever.

You like football?
Yeah, I love it.

I didn't know you
guys liked football.

Yeah. No, me and Paul
watch the game every Sunday.

Paul, too?

Yeah.
Oh.

[chuckles]
Oh, what's that?

Oh, it's nothing. It's
just something I used to do.

That is really good.

I didn't know
you were an artist.
I used to be,

but I couldn't get any more of
my friends to pose nude for me.

You wouldn't be
interested, would you?

Uh...

You're blushing.
I was just joking.

I'm not blushing. I just-I just
get red from time to time.

You are so funny.
No, seriously,

you should really pursue this.
I mean, you're good.

I would, but it doesn't
really fit in with
my father's plan for me.

Future of Midnight Owl
Publishing.

[mice squeaks]
Oh, look!
There it is.

He's right there.
Through the door.

We'll get him. We'll get him.

Whoa! Watch out!
[groans]

Are you OK?
Your dad's
gonna kill me.

No, don't worry about it.

It's my brother's.
My dad won't care.

Oh, Red.

Oh, so Dad told you?

About what?

The restraining order.

How's that?

Yeah, Red's not allowed
within 100 yards of me,

my dad, or this house.

He... uh, he didn't-
he didn't mention that.

Red's a freak. You don't
want to be around my dad

if he finds out anyone was
in this house, especially Red.

It's like wherever he is,
there's trouble.

I mean, one time,
he had this big party
'cause Dad was out of town

and my dad came
home early...

Hey, uh... you know,
since the mouse is gone,

what say we, uh,
go back inside?
OK.

[grunts]

[both screaming]

[ synthesizer]

[Tom]It was up for an Oscar?
I hated it!
I know! [laughing]

Oh, I hated that movie!
Man, I can't believe you.

You're like...
you're so different

from how you are at work.

What am I gonna do?

Like, walk around with
my Walter Payton jersey?

No, no. I get it.
It's, like, at work
you have to be Lisa Taylor,

the, you know, loyal employee
to the family firm.

And I have to be... Tom...

Tom Stansfield, the guy who
will do anything for anybody.

Yup. That's me.

I swear, it's like I can just
talk to you about anything.

I know, exactly. It's...

Yeah, this is crazy.
Yeah, it is.

I guess it's because
there's no attraction
between us, you know?

Yeah.

You know, there's none
of that sexual tension.

Yeah.
It's like I'm
with a girlfriend.

It's great, isn't it?
Yeah.

I mean, maybe we could go to themall sometime and go shopping.

That would be fun!
Wouldn't it be fun?
Yeah.

Wait, you have to
listen to this song.

Come on, I need
someone to dance with!

You don't want to
see me dance.

[ "You Make Me
Feel Like Dancing"]

Come on, dance with me.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

Come on. Put your
hands together.

Yeah! Now go underneath.

What... like this?
Yeah!

Like that?
Yeah! [squeals]

Hold on, hold on.
Watch, watch, watch.

[pants rip]
Oh.

Yeah! Oh...
I'm trying to do too much.

[laughing]Oh! Yeah!

[squealing]

I'm a dancer.

Catch me.
Oh... what?

[squeals]

I got you!
Whoa!

Whoa... [chuckles]

OK. I am done.

Here.

[ "Better Man"
by Martina Sorbara]

Oh, I love this song.

My friend Jenny does this
really wild strip routine

for her boyfriend
to this song.

It's super sexy. Even
you'd appreciate it.

I wish I could be
like her, you know?

She's so free and everything.

[giggles]

[giggling]

So, what do you think?

Ah, it's...
it's, uh, very nice.

So if you weren't gay,
this would turn you on, right?

Gay? Who said I was gay?

My father.
You mean it's not true?

No!
No? God,
I'm so embarrassed!

I can't believe
you'd let me do this!

I didn't mean to...
I mean, um...

Why would your father
say that I'm gay?
I don't know.

Well, you can't
blame him entirely.

I mean, you are
a little effeminate.

[gasps]

Don't be hurt.

It's OK.

Hans is a bit effeminate, too.

What exactly
did Hans do anyway?

Well, it's not like
he did just one thing.

It's more about trust.

Yeah. Trust is...
it's important.

Trust is everything.

I don't know. Maybe it's me.

It's like I'm just sending
out some kind of vibe.

I can't attract
a decent guy.
No.

What's wrong with me?

Don't even worry about it.

You're gonna find
another guy so fast.

I mean, look at you.

You're amazing.

You really think so?

Why do you think
I'm here tonight?

Oh, God, Tom.

You didn't know.
You thought that...

[door opens]

Uh... uh...

I'm gonna...
I'll be right back.

I'm just gonna go and check
and see if Audrey needs towels.

Tom, you don't
have to lie to me.

If you have to go
to the bathroom,

go take a crap and come back.

[chuckles]

[clatter]

What the... Hey! What the hell
are you doing here, man?

[grunts]
You try to bone Vasquez

out of 20 grand and you
ask me what I'm doing?

You think I work
for Mrs. Fields?

You think my boss
likes to bake cookies?

Whoa! What are you doing?

You tried to sell me flour.
Come on.

Flour? I-I don't even
know what you're talk...

What are you... Come on!

Look, I'm just
housesitting for my boss.

Who's your boss?

Jack Taylor.

Jack Taylor, huh? I did time
in Joliet with a Jack Taylor.

Average height,
medium hair,

horrible case of
folliculitis on his ass?

I wouldn't know
about the folliculitis.

I thought you said
he was your boss.

He is.

And you never saw his ass?

Why would I see my boss's ass?
It stands to reason.

You work for a guy long enough,

sooner or later you're
gonna get a glimpse of his ass.

Listen, I-I don't know
what line of work you're in,

but I've never
seen my boss's ass.

Hey, man...

Hey! Hey, stop it
or I'm gonna call the cops!

And tell them what?

Your drug deal went bad?

You rat me out, I'm gonna
carve you up like a turkey

and beat your kids
with what's left of you.

I don't have any kids.

I can wait.

[ cell phone ringing
"Fuür Elise" by Beethoven]

Excuse me. Hello? Right.

OK.

Tommy, let's get
clear on something.

In the next 60 minutes,

I'm gonna bring Vasquez
what he paid for

or your gift-wrapped nuts.

[door shuts]

Oh, hi, Tom.
What's going on?

What's going on with
your dad's gift? See...

Do you see that guy?

He was gonna kill me!

Don't you think you're
overreacting a little, Tom?

Overreacting?

The guy had a knife! I don't
think that I am overreacting!

He probably just had
the wrong address. I mean,

there's gotta be over a dozen
Jack Taylors in Chicago alone.

I'm gonna go to
my dad's bedroom.

You tell me if
the guy shows up again.

All right. All right.
You listen to me.

You're not even supposed
to be in this house.
Says who?

I know about the
restraining order, Red.
Restraining-schmaining.

I mean,
that's just a big
misunderstanding.

[Audrey]Tom! It's OJ!

[overlapping chatter]

[Audrey and friends]Oh, man!

Whoa. Hey. Who are you?

I'm here to see Lisa.
My name's Hans.

Is that so shocking?
No.

What, you surprised she'd go
out with someone like me?
No, no. It's not...

Give me a break, man.
You oughta be
ashamed of yourself.

Let me tell you something.
There are a lot of girls
out there

who can see past the fact
that I just happen to be...

a few pounds overweight.

[crying]You know, inside
I'm just like everyone else.

Let me get you a tissue.
Thank you.

I'm on the second day
of a new diet.
Hey, uh, Hans...

I gave up chocolate.
I'm really sorry.

I think that, uh, we just
got off on the wrong foot.

Oh... uh...

It's good to meet you,
Hans. I'm Tom.

I, uh... [clears throat]

I'm just a friend of Lisa's.
Oh, great.

Well, maybe you can help me.
Is she here? Lisa! Lisa!

Whoa. Hans, you know what?

Maybe right now isn't a great
time for you to see Lisa.

What say, uh,
we get you a drink?

Oh, OK. Yeah, she's
probably really upset.

You see, we got in a
misunderstanding tonight

and, well, she left me.

Wow, that's unfortunate.
Yeah.

Uh, what happened?

Well, I think
seeing me naked

from behind like that
kind of shocked her.

Oh. So, tonight
was the first time.

Yeah. Tonight was the
first time. It was awesome.

I mean, I was lying
up on the bed like this

with one leg
straight up in the air.

I don't really think
I need to see... Whoa.

And I had a handful
of ass right here, and
I had a handful of this.

Hans, please. Whoa.
God, you're... that's...

And that's when Lisa walked in.

What?

She caught me in the bed
with a blonde.

What?

Aw, come on, man.

Tell me you haven't ever
wanted to do it with a...

Hans. Hans. No...
You cheated on her.

You know something, Tom?
You're right.

Aw. I guess that was cheating.
And now I've gone
and lost everyone.

I should have known from
the start it wasn't right.

She kept telling me
I reminded her of her dad.

Hans, you gotta realize
that this is over, you know?

And you gotta put an end to it,
and-and move on.

And get yourself
to a better place, OK?
Yes.

I think you know what I mean.

Yeah, I do know what you mean.

And I'm ready.

I know what I have to do.

Well, I guess this is good-bye.

[squawking]

OJ!

[Hans]Thanks, Tom.

[Tom]OJ, come back!

[dog barks]

OJ!

[squawks]

Hello.

You must be Julie's date.
Come in, come in.

Actually I'm just here
looking for a bird.

Make yourself at home, Albert.
Julie's still getting ready.

No, actually, uh,
my name is Tom.
I'm sorry. I'm hard of hearing.

Could you speak up, please?

[shouts]My name is Tom!

I could've sworn Julie
said your name was Albert.

No, see, I'm afraid
that you're mistaken.

Is someone here?
Yes. This is Julie's date,
Albert.

Arh!
This is my
nephew, George.

He's blind and crippled.

Oh. Uh... [shouts]
Nice to meet you.

I'm not deaf.

Excuse me. I'll go see
what's keeping Julie.

She's probably nervous.

So you're Julie's date, huh?
No.

I'm just... I just came here.
I was looking for an owl.

[laughs]You don't have
to make lame excuses.

Listen, do you know what theadvantage is in being a cripple?

No, I can't say that I do.

You don't really care to hearmuch what I have to say, do you?

No, no. It's not that. I'm...

You know what?
Go ahead, I'm listening.

Sit down, Tom.

You know what I gained
by becoming a quad?

What, are you shaking your
head? I can't see, you know!

I'm sorry. Uh... uh...
Tell me what you gained.

I no longer need my Viagra.

Now I can maintain
my arousal for hours.

That's great. I guess things
have a way of evening
themselves out in the long run.

No, not really.
And do you know why?

No, why?

Because I am a blind,
quad freak, you moron!

What, you think
women dig this?!

I mean, you think women go...
[man]Well, hello.

"I wanna give that
mutant freak my number"?

Ken Morehouse. I'm Julie's dad.
Hey, nice

Is, uh, George boring you
with his self-pitying tripe?

Tripe...
No, not at all.

"I'm blind. I'm crippled.
Boo-hoo-hoo."

Leave the room. I wanna talk
to Albert alone for a second.

I can stay if I want.
Leave the room!

OK, OK.
Get out!

You don't have to
be huffy about it!
Get out now! Get out!

OK.
Turn it, turn it,
turn it.

Oh, for God's sakes.
[clatter]

I'm so sorry.
[George]Who the hell
put that there?

[cat squeals]
My daughter's gonna
be a few minutes.

Have a seat, Albert.

Tom.
No. Ken.

Right. You're Ken.
Yes.

Before you say anything, Albert,I just want you to know that

Julie is really self-conscious
about her appearance

since the... the accident.
[door shuts]

Right...
Oh, Julie.

Julie, this is Albert.
Albert, Julie.

It's nice to meet you, Albert.

Wow. It's... wow.
It's nice to meet you, too.

But, the thing is,
is that I'm not Albert.

That is to say that
I'm not your date.

There's been a giant
misunderstanding.

Oh, how could you?
[crying]I knew
this would happen!

No, I'm telling the truth.

Julie wasn't pretty enough
for you, Mr. GQ? Is that it?

No, you don't understand.
Oh- Oh, I understand, Fabio.

You broke that
poor girl's heart.
No, no. See, I'm not...

Do you think Julie is an idiot?
Do you think she bought your
little fairy tale,

Mr. "I'm too sexy
for my medical booties"?
Oh, th...

Get the hell out of here.

Or I'll kick your pretty-boy
ass to kingdom come.

Am I interrupting something?

No, it's just that the...

[squawks]

[grunts]

Tom, there's two things
that we need to talk about.

What?
First of all, I don't wanna
wear these booties anymore.

No one else is
wearing the booties.
Fine.

What's the other thing?
Tina thinks she's got cancer.

Do you feel it?

Uh, I'm just...

What's supposed to
be there? I don't...

See, Tina?

Move your hand to the left.
Don't you feel anything?

Yeah. I mean, no, no.

Tina, your breast is no
different than mine, OK?

It is. There's
no comparison.Tom, feel my breast and compare.

Do you detect any difference
between our breasts?

You gotta slow down.

It sure feels good.
Well, yours is a...

[door opens]

Lisa, this isn't
what it looks like.

I believed everything you said.
I'm...

It was all just a
bunch of lines, wasn't it?

No, no. Lisa, it was all...
I swear to you,
I meant every word.

This is... nothing's
going on here.

Great, Tom. I'm glad you
think I'm a complete idiot.

No, no. I'm telling you.
I was just checking these
girls for breast cancer.

You make me sick.

No... Lisa, wait!

She's never gonna
forgive me.
-Of course she will.

Is this the first time
you cheated on her?

Yeah. No! I... yeah... wait.

I didn't cheat on her. I mean,
you were there for God's sakes!

Look, I know that
you didn't cheat on her.

I mean, you were a little
grabby, but...
I...

Don't you think we should just
find the owl and worry about
your little "affair" later?

I... I am get... I'm getting
angry and I don't get angry.

Ugh!
Hey, Speed? Hey, can
I ask you a question?

What are you...
I thought you left.
I did. To get this.

All right.
Why is the fire going?

Cozy, isn't it?

All right. You put that down.

Make me.

All right.

Hey! Hey! Put the crowbar down!

Or I will blow your ass
to fucktown!

That's right.

Don't you ever threaten me.

But... I got a gun.

What are you doing?

Well, Tommy,
we both have guns.

Only difference is, you don't
have the guts to use yours.

Oh, yeah? Well, what
makes you so sure?

Oh, I'm sure.

[trickling]

Oh! Oh...

Jesus! What the...

What are you,
out of your mind?

[phone ringing]

Stop that!
Are you crazy, man?!

[chimes]
Hello?

[Taylor]Stansfield.
Anything to report?
Sir!

Uh, everything's great.

I got...
Everything's under control.

Did OJ get enough water?
Whoa!

Uh, Jack, could you hold on?

I'm gonna shoot your pecker off.

I don't plan on being away
the entire weekend.

I hate you! I hate you!
I may be coming home early.

So make sure that everything's
in order. And there's
one additional thing.

Sir?
The fishtank.

It's a little low.
I'm taking care
of that right now.

Good. When I get back, I want
to talk to you about that
position in Creative.

Aah!
Don't get excited yet.

I didn't say you had the job.
We'll discuss it.

Uh, thank you, sir.
Uh, great. Bye.

Holy shit!

I just...

Boy, I'm tapped out.
You got anything to drink?

In the kitchen. Thanks.

Dammit!

Whoa! What the hay
happened in here?

Tom, did you have
a little accident?

You might wanna try
a few Kegels,

kinda tighten it up
down there.

That's it!

I'm doing 'em right now.
And release.

Well, when in Rome...

[trickling]
Oh, Canada...

"Jack Taylor. Rectacid.

"Apply liberally to
buttocks as needed

to reduce redness and other
symptoms of folliculitis."

Son of a bitch.

Did you piss yourself?

No, I did not piss myself.
Looks like you did.

Well, I didn't. It was
that maniac downstairs.

We gotta stop him before
he tears this house apart.

You know what you gotta do?
Give him one of
these little babies.

Perfect.
It's a sleeping pill.
I got 'em from Speed.

Here. So strong,
so be careful.

It's powerful stuff.
Here. Just one.

Be careful.

Hey. Excuse me.

You know, I just
wanted to apologize

for pulling that gun
on you earlier.

That was totally out of line.

Hey, you know,
I don't even know your name.

I'm TJ.
TJ?

That's nice.

I guess maybe I was out of line
by pissing all over everything.

Man... that was funny. [laughs]

Yeah, I've always
enjoyed a good prank.

What are you drinking there?
Whiskey. You want some?

There's plenty of booze
around here, that's for sure.

Yeah, I'll take
a shot of bourbon.

Oh, my God!

Wow!
What?

Whoa! Look at those
two blondes going at...

Oh, wait, are there
three of them?
Where?

They're going at it right
up there on the second floor.

Where are you looking?
Right th... uh...
Oh, man, they left.

[chuckles]
Damn.

I was all psyched up
for some action.

Lesbians are very special.

Oh... Hey,
I'll drink to that, huh?

Cheers.

All right.

Mmm.

[grunts]
Oh, are you...

Whoa.
Here. Why don't I...

[glass breaks]
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[steps on glass]

Whoa.
[gong]

Audrey?

[babbling]

Audrey!

[gasps]Oh, my God!
He's like a human vibrator.

What... All right,
what is wrong with him?

I don't know.
Did you slip him the pill?

Yes.
Then that must be it then.

You didn't give him the pill
with whiskey, did you?

Yeah.
Oh, no!

You're not supposed to
mix the two.

Audrey, you did not
tell me that!

Everyone knows that you're
not supposed to mix booze
with pills!

Come on!
OK. Is he gonna be OK?

Don't worry. He'll be fine.
I used to be a paramedic.

Tom? I think I found OJ.
OJ? I don't care about...

We have a situation here.
Audrey, call 911!

I'm telling ya, he'll be fine.
Are you sure?

He just needs some rest.
I'm positive.

OK. You watch TJ.
Use this.

It's not loaded, but
he doesn't know that.

[doorbell]
Oh, man!

Oh, hey.

Julie.

From... yeah.
Down the block.
That's right.

You mind if I come in?

[Audrey]All right.
You grab his ankles...

Why don't we go
to that room over there?

[Audrey]Man, he's heavy.

Do you mind if I sit down?

Uh... yeah. Sure.

Thank you.

Oh, hey.

Sorry to butt in.
Hi, I'm Red.

Hi, it's nice to meet you.
Nice to meet ya.

Anyway, I realized you were
telling the truth when
my real date showed up.

Of course he
didn't stick around.

Well, that guy is a bum.

Well, I'm sure that had
nothing to do with you.

No, I know it did.

I've never had any guys
attracted to me,
even before the accident.

Now that cannot be true.

Well... about six months ago,
I was hitchhiking

and a trucker tried to rape me,
but other than that...

Come on. You're gonna tell me,
you never had a real boyfriend?

Well, once, but I think
he just felt sorry for me.

Oh, well, uh...
how long did that last?

Um... about six years
and then one day he just left.
Another woman?

No. He got hit by a bus.

[Red]Well, see,
that's not your fault.

Well, he didn't seem to try
very hard to avoid the bus.

I think he just wanted
out of the relationship.

Julie, why don't you
sit in this chair?

Oh, geez, I'm starting
to feel a bit woozy.

[blood squishes]

OK. All right,
I have to go find OJ.

So, Red, if you could watch
things for me, that'd be great.

Got ya.

Look, I think you're being
way too hard on yourself.

I mean, besides, I bet there've
been a lot of guys who've
been attracted to you.

No, he was the only one.

What about that trucker?
I mean, he was obviously
attracted to you.

[sighs]I think the
trucker probably would
have raped anyone.

I doubt that. You were
probably pretty special to him.

That's so sweet of you, Red.

I'm not just jerking your
chain either. I mean it.

[giggles]
Yeah. [chuckles]

What are you doing to the lawn?

It's OK, Tom.
We just had to bury TJ.

Bury... What?

You mean, he's...

You said he was gonna be OK!
I thought you were a paramedic.

Well, I took a course.

You took... You guy...

You can't just bury him,
you guys!

Well, we're not gonna
put him in my car.

[Audrey]That's right.
All right.

Forget it.
I'm calling 911.

That's for emergencies.

What do you
think this is?
The guy's dead.

In 20 minutes,
he's still gonna be dead.

There's no sense of
urgency here.
[chuckles]

No, we have to call
the cops and report it!
And tell 'em what?

The truth! That
there was a... accident.

They might not see it that way.

Let's face it, Tom,
you did kill him.
You gave me the pill.

Hey, I didn't tell you
to kill nobody, OK?

Well, you didn't tell me
not to use the whiskey!

Well, if you'd listen to me...
You didn't say
anything about whiskey!

[whistles]
I would think you
would listen to me!

There's no time for blame games.

Why don't you spread around
some leaves? Make it look good.

I am not gonna help
you conceal a dead body!

Hey, you know what? Don't you
think we should say something?

What?
You know what? She's right.

Some kind of last rites or
eulogy or something like that?

I'm so screwed.
We should say something.

Fine, fine. You know what?
Say something. Get...
Just make it quick.

Lord, this day we lay to
rest TJ, who was, uh...

I really didn't know him.
I don't know him.

I mean, Tom, you know him
the best. Why don't you
say something?

Me?
Yeah.

All I know is that the guy
was a violent, sadistic goon
that was into lesbians.

Amen.

[Lisa]Tom?

Lisa.

I can't believe
you're still here.

Listen, please.
You have to let me explain.

Look, Tom. Tonight
was just a big mistake.

That's all there is to it.
No,

you... that... what you saw
with the girls, all that
was was weird timing.

Red? What's Red doing here?

Red? Oh, uh...

Red was in the neighborhood
and he stopped by.

But, you see, nothing
really bad happened tonight.

Is he the reason OJ's gone?

No. No, uh... OJ got loose.

And that's a little problem.

But we're gonna find him.

And we're looking for him, so...

What's this?

Oh, uh, Tom killed a guy
and we're burying the body.

OK, that was bad.
Aah!

OK, well, now you're
overreacting. It's not...

Oh!
Aah!

[all yelling]

All right, all right,
hey. Anybody moves,

there's gonna be a big hole
where her brain used to be.

Yeah. Go ahead, shoot.

Well, what are you waiting for?
Come on!

What are you waiting for?!
Waste the bitch!

Tom!
No, I don't give a shit!

Hey, I'm not joking,
asshole.

Pull the trigger.
Come on. Come on!

I think you're just all talk.

Looks like we both got guns.

Who's gonna shoot
first this time?

[chuckles]

[groans]

[Red]Well, that should do it.

Tom! You are so brave.

No, no. It's not even that
big of a deal. This gun's
not even loaded...

[gunshot] [glass shatters]

[man]What the hell
is going on?

I never should have
doubted you.

You risked your
life for me.

Audrey found some bullets
in the kitchen and I may
have reloaded it.

Yeah, I did.

Yo, excuse me,

does anyone here
know a Jack Taylor?
Why?

This dude just called, said
if I don't pick him up atthe train station in 15 minutes,

I'm out of a job. What do
you suppose that means?

Oh, my God.

That's what I thought,
'cause I ain't got no job.

He's coming home early.
OK, don't worry about it.

I'll take care of
everything, OK? Trust me.

Just don't drive too fast.

Got it.

And, um, maybe you
should put that away.

Oh, God.

[ "Go Home"
by Barenaked Ladies]

Ooh.

[squeaks]

[sighs]

[ whistling]

I knew that was you.

[beer bottles clank]

[Taylor]As long as we're
in Thailand for the meeting
on Monday afternoon.

Yeah. We can pick it up
when we refuel in Hawaii.

Hey, uh, do you wanna
stop and, uh, get
something to drink,

go to the bathroom
or something?

We'll take
the departmental heads now

and the Creative team
in a couple of weeks.

[squeaks]

That's the agenda up to lunch,
then there's lunch...

[squawking]

OK. And then...

[horn blast]

OK. OK.

OK, fine.

Stansfield,
what are you doing?
Nothing, sir.

Hold on a moment, please.

Stansfield... why don't you
just concentrate on the driving

and let me get on
with making my call.
Wait!

What is it now, Stansfield?

Oh, nothing, sir. Almost home.

Hey. How'd this
get in there?

I will. Good thing
I found it.

There's several ways to
properly dispose of a handgun,

none of which include
putting it in a garbage bag.

[cop over megaphone]
Freeze! Police!

Freeze! Let go of the girl

and put your hands in the air!

You're completely
surrounded, TJ!

Put down your weapons
and put your hands on you head!

No, you guys. Wait.
He's not TJ. I'm Lisa Taylor.

This is my dad's house.

Ma'am, we've received numerous
reports from this neighborhood:
theft, gunfire...

All right.

Look, I know you probably think
we may have killed somebody,

but Tom didn't know
he poisoned the guy,

and we thought he was dead
when we buried him. But
he seems OK now.

His head's just a little bloody

from where we hit him
with the shovel.

And I swear when
Tom shot the gun off,

he didn't think it was loaded

'cause I put
the bullets back in,

so if you'll all
just step inside,

you'll see there's
nobody dead here.

He may have had the wind
knocked out of him temporarily,

but with a little first aid,
I think he'll be just fine.

[screaming]

[screams]
[screams]

Holy mother of God!

[Lisa]Hans!

Yes, I see. I see.

[squeaks]
OK, fine.

[squawking]
Whoa!

Could you say that again?
You're breaking up!

One moment, please. OJ!

[tires screeching]

I just can't understand
why you would do this.
Hans, what were you thinking?

He'll be fine. He may
complain about a sore throat,

but he's in a lot better shape
than this chandelier.

Boy, I'd hate to be here
when the owner gets back.

You can say that again.

[man]Whoa!
[car horn]

Tom! Daddy!

What do we got?
What was that?

Watch the glass, OK, everybody?
Let's get 'em out of the car.
Oh, my God! Daddy!

Everybody, stay back
and remain calm.
[Lisa]Are you all right?

That's him. That's the onespying on me through the bushes.

He shot the bullet right through
my Julie's bedroom window.

Here. Tell 'em, Julie.

You guys, Tom wants
the body in here.

[TJ]Take it easy. Put me down.
[gasps]

Stansfield, what have you done?

Lisa, pack your things.
You're coming with me
to Thailand.

No!

Get his ass out of here.

It's funny you should mention
the word "ass," Jack.

Why don't we start
by talking about yours.

Excuse me?

Lisa, your father is not
who you think he is.

The whole publishing operation.
It's a great cover.

Now how'd you do it?
What'd you do?

Did you hollow out the books?

Oh, and locating the plant
in Thailand. It's genius!

What are you talking about?

What am I... Jack.

You know, I-I would've
believed you, Jack...

until I met this man,

who seems to know
a lot about ya.

Recognize this?

I hear it's very effective
in relieving folliculitis.

I don't have folliculitis.

He's given me no choice.

He's given me no choice!
Tom, what are you doing?

This is insane!
Yeah? Take a look
at your dad's ass.

No!
Then tell me
I'm insane, huh?

[all]Oh! Ooh!
Huh? Huh? Look at it!

Look at it! Huh? Huh?

Ooh...
What?

[man]That's nasty.

I told you I don't
have folliculitis,
you blithering idiot.

Well, guys, the ointment
must have worked.

Let's go.

Wait! I have
something to show ya.

[all]Oh!

[Hans]What's with this movie
and the ass cheeks?

My real name is Jack Taylor...
Junior. Red is my nickname.

Now you know why. I'm the whole
reason that TJ's here.

Goddamn it, Red. You've been
dealing drugs out of my house!

No, Dad, I swear.
I gave this guy a bag of flour.

I dumped a kilo of the
real stuff down the toilet.

I'm finished dealing for good.

The lime green toilet
with the wooden seat?

Yeah, why?

[squawking]

[all]Ooh!

[all]Whoa!

Wait a second. He's flying.

He's flying.

[squawking]

[all]Whoa!

[OJ squeals]
[car horn]

[tires screeching]
[car crashes]

Get him out of my sight.

Now. Lisa, let's go.

That's the one. He got my ear!
Evander Holyfield's ear.

You have the right to remain
silent. Anything you say can
and...

Lisa, wait!

[Arthur]That's Holyfield's
ear, for God's sake.

[squawking]

OJ?

OJ!

Come to Daddy.
How's my little boy?

[squawking]

You're going with him?

What choice do I have?
He needs me.

Are you actually
feeling sorry for him?

He's manipulating you
and you are buying it.

All right, fine. You
do what you gotta do.

I am gonna bail Tom out of jail.

With what?
Your drug money?

No, no, no. I stole this
out of Dad's safe.

Look, the important thing is,
somebody has gotta help Tom.

You know that nothing that
happened here last night
was any of his fault.

It's funny.

The nicest guy in the world's
the only one with enough balls
to stand up to Dad.

All he wanted to do was to
spend some time with you.

Look what it gets him.
Classic Dad.

I'm not allowed in the house,
you're not allowed out of it.

He doesn't care about us.
Only that stupid bird.

Hey, Red, can I
tell you something?
Sure.

I know this is gonna sound
weird,

but ever since
I was a little kid...

I used to always wish
that I was that stupid bird.

Aw.

[squawks]

Look, I think it's
about time you talk to Dad.

At least tell him how
you feel. You can do it.

[grunts]

[yells]

Don't you see, we have no
reason to be afraid of him?

Aah!
[screaming]

Aah!

Aarh!

[yells]

Daddy!
Lisa, don't let him
do this to you.

Lisa! Aah!

Lisa!

Tom!

Red bailed me out...

and told me you were here,
and I'm not letting you go.

Yeah, but I'm...
No.

You're gonna let me finish.
I went through hell last night

and it was my fault 'cause
I let people do it to me.

And now you're gonna
make the same mistake.

Yeah, but...
This isn't what you want.

This is what your father wants.
And you know what?

Maybe you and I...
never are gonna work.

And that hurts.

But not as much as watching you

be controlled
by a ruthless tyrant

that would screw his own mother
if he thought it'd help him get
ahead...

Tom! I'm not going.

She's-she's not going.

Is this whole concept toocomplicated for you, Stansfield?

No.

No.

All right. [chuckles]

Wha... I... What made you stay?

That.

How did you guys...

We finally had
our long overdue talk.

Then-then who's taking
your place in Thailand?

He is.

[gong]
What's this?

[neck cracks]Ow!
I'm kidding.

I don't wanna go.
I'm afraid.

Nonsense. Everyone
knows that, uh...

Asian people are very
intimidated by, uh...

Tall men?

Canadians?

Republicans?

Blacks?

Henderson?
Yes, sir.

I won't have that kind of
thinking in this company.

There's no room for
racism here. You're fired.

Now, Tom, the point
that I'm getting to

is that with a big part
of the team away,

I'm gonna want you to take over
the Creative Department.

Me?
No need to be modest.

I saw those ideas
you left in the living room.

Your theory on
the JFK thing, brilliant.

And the moon landing, a hoax?

You're really
onto something there.

That's the kind of thinking
that's gonna sell books.

Uh, thank you, sir.

Bye, Daddy.
Have a safe flight.

Well, Dad...
that's fantastic.

You promoted Tom.

Yeah, well, I figure anyone
who's got the guts to piss
on my Persian carpet

has gotta have what it takes.

Stansfield!

[trickling]

What the hell are you doing?
Just trying to get
my job back, sir.

[ "If I Had $1000000"
by Barenaked Ladies]

[squeals]
[chuckles]

[Tom] You know, after
everything that happened,
after all I went through,

I guess it was my lucky day.
And I'm not the only one.

Based on Lisa
and Red's suggestions,

Jack restructured the company
from top to bottom.

Even instituting
casual Fridays - every day.

And last Friday was Henderson's 27th straight day on the job

without being fired.

OJ's back off the drugs
and now he only drinks beer.

[burps]

[chuckles] But he still has
an occasional flashback.

[squawks]

Jack begged
Audrey to come back,

but she got a job at,
of all places, a coffee shop.

Ew!
Ugh!

Ew!
Ew!

This is terrible!

Hans succeeded in turning
around the company's factory
in Thailand.

But apparently he's
still struggling to cope
with the local customs.

Back of bus!
Excuse me?

You people belong back of bus.

That's an outrage!
Man, I'm not gonna let you

treat me like that
merely because I'm...

Smoking! Smokers
belong back of bus!

[coughing]

As for me,
with my new promotion

I could at last write books
based on my own experiences.

So I did.
Thank you.

And Lisa was finally able to pursue a career that she loved.

You know, you ever
heard someone say
that old expression:

"Why does everything bad
always happen to me?"

Well, I don't
get those people...

'cause I've learned that if they just stop and look around,

they'd realize that everything
happens for a reason.

[ "If I Had $1000000"
by Barenaked Ladies continues]

[ "Burn the Boats"
by Early Edison]

[TJ] I told him he'd see
the ass sooner or later.