Original subtitles

You once told me about your summer as

a Magaluf holiday rep.

The tour operator asked everyone to do a Rosetta Stone,

but you were skint, so you did a key stage three Spanish course

on BBC Bitesize.

Oh, OK, I got one. I know it.

Right, nada del relaciones sexuales en el banera de hidromasaje.

Uh, no shagging in the jacuzzi.

Yes!

HE LAUGHS

So, apparently, most of the lolidaygoers are, like,

they all speak English. But every now and again, you know,

you get, like, a little whippersnapper from inland Spain

who just comes and spunks in the hot tub, so.

HE LAUGHS

What are those?

It's my liquids. HE CHUCKLES

What? It says measure out your liquids to 100ml

and put them in bags.

You have... You have to put them in bags.

He's got a bag of shampoo. A poo bag!

You have to put your liquids in bags.

THEY LAUGH

Honestly, anyone would think you've never been abroad.

You hadn't. You'd never even flown before.

That summer of work lasted six months.

And the whole time everyone called you Poo Bag.

So, at the end of second year,

for our uni work experience week,

you made sure yours was somewhere you'd properly fit in.

Well, ever since the, um, the two or three, or 17, or so, students left

for Isis, I've been wanting to create positive content about how,

you know, Brent Uni harnesses potential.

I mean, how do you know I ain't going to leave?

Terrorism isn't funny, Danny. It's a pain in my arse. Sorry.

OK, so where are you going for work experience?

I am going to the home of top-quality bants,

online lads' mag, Nice One Mate.

Bosh!

I'm going to Koolio Radio's youth issues phone-in show

Help! Lol, I'm a Teenager.

I'm going to the ethically conscious, activism-led content

creation agency Bloom Flower to help facilitate the generation of newly

manifested ideas empowered by social justice causes.

SHE YAWNS Oh, sorry...

Yeah, I forgot... you're not. What?

They sent an email saying Bloom Flower have ceased operations

to engage in a meaningful period of self-reflection

regarding our carbon footprint.

Oh, fuck off.

Where am I supposed to go for a week?

Oh, my God. This is incredible.

This is horrendous. Oh, come on, we'll get you through.

I can't believe I'm in for a week of banter about Michelle Keegan's

fucking arse. I know, it's great.

Chelsea Dagger by The Fratellis #M

Nice One Mate took on interns as free labour.

The editor, Eddie, a 30-something divorce whose breath even smelt

of cocaine, addressed everyone as either bruv, buddy, pal, lad,

geezer, fella or...

Broskis, listen the fuck up.

We have got some new work experience in.

You all right, fella? Grab a Mac.

There's a drinks fridge in the shape of a VW camper van out back.

Honestly, mate, it's fucking nutty stuff, do you know what I mean?

Feel free to grab a beer, by the way.

Um, just bung a quid in the Pudsey Bear box.

Half the proceeds go towards a good cause

like the Ayia Napa work weekend trip away.

Shabba!

Sorry, am I invisible, or...? I guess so.

Now, our editorial interests include pulling, nightlife, girls,

festivals, promo codes for Stone Island jackets, Bitcoin

and girls.

This is so fucking lame.

And, yeah, just remember, we live fast, work fast and die young.

RIP, Simmo.

He died doing what he loved, you know?

Zorbing for 500 words and the world's most dangerous stag dos.

Anyway, I call an editorial pitch meeting on the hour, every hour.

Yeah? It's where one of you lot will write up my fucking sick ideas.

Capiche?

Good stuff. BRB, I'm off for a shit.

HE CHUCKLES

Shit...

Hello. You must be Jack.

I'm producer Beth, and welcome to Koolio Radio, where the music

and chat are too Koolio a-for schoolio.

Do you always speak in that voice?

Soz. I forget when I'm not on air to get rid of the intonation pattern.

Let's go!

You'll be sat here during the show, manning calls and texts from young

listeners who want advice from our fab duo, Bethy B and Dr Prateek.

Wait, you present the show as well?

I do now, mainly due to budget cuts and the old presenter

was a paedophile.

So follow this script figuring out if the calls or texts

are appropriate to be put on air.

OK. I'll be presenting and driving the radio desk during the show.

OK, what if someone calls in and they're like having a meltdown?

Mm... there's a safeguarding file. Terms and conditions apply.

If anyone's suicidal, please refer them to the Koolio Radio website.

Sorry. Say that again. Brill! We're live in 25.

Before I forget, I'm a soy flat white. Dr Prateek's a green tea.

Watch out for prank calls and don't put through a girl named Tamsin.

Hello.

Excuse me, hi.

Are there any other women here, or is it just...?

Babe, sit.

Take a seat right there.

OK, so we are the subeditors. I'm Meryl.

I upload everything, check it can't get sued.

And I also try and moderate comments from tiny-dicked

men's rights activists.

Stick with us cos Eddie over there only talks to blokes.

Ah, I'm leaving. I don't want to be around misogyny disguised as banter.

Oh, OK, Germaine Greer, but this is the real world, so.

Yeah. Corinne, you need work experience

credits to pass second year of uni, so get involved.

What, and...?

Look, spend the week with us, and you will do some of the most

challenging subediting of your career.

And you'll learn how to win against dickhead blokes like Eddie.

Now, come and help me cut down this piece

on Michelle Keegan's arse.

SHE EXHALES

I can't believe she expects us to call her that now.

Oh, don't be mean. She's just got married.

Well, I, for one, will not be calling her

Cheryl Fernandez-Versini - I can't be dealing with that.

I can't believe you're due in two weeks.

It feels like only yesterday I was changing your nappy.

Well, I'll be changing yours soon, Nan.

Oh, my God, Peggy, Russell just liked your new prof

pic on Facey B. Oh.

We're going to the pub on Friday after he's finished work.

What's he do?

He's a...

He's a minicab driver.

Oh, look, it's just a very casual first drink.

You'll actually have to make your own dinner, Shannon.

What? No, I'm eating for three at the moment, Peggy.

That's very tricky for me. Why three?

So many mums in Take a Break go in to have a baby and then, surprise,

surprise, they come out with two.

Oh. So, I'm not taking any chances.

And, listen, don't you be getting loved-up too soon, because I need

you to help me raise this baby.

Which reminds me -

OK, I've drawn up a childcare rota for the three of us.

OK? You can fuck off, love.

Are you my nan? Nans help!

It's all right.

We'll help a bit.

But can you please get the father involved?

Fine. OK. Yeah, I'll text Tarik,

see if he wants to take me for dinner on Friday.

I'm not cooking for four.

OK, we're live in three, two, one.

Hey, folks, it's me, Beth,

and today's topic is exam stress.

So if you're going bonky, bonky, bonkers over your GCSEs, get calling

0207 946 zero, a-three, a-three, a-three.

Hello, you're through to Koolio Radio.

What's your name and issue today?

Hi, I'm Lucy, I hate revising and I need some tips on how to do it.

Great, Lucy. I'll patch you through to the studio now.

Hello, you're through to Koolio Radio.

What's your name and issue today?

Tamsin. Uh, I want to talk to Dr Prateek

cos my GP's always busy and I've got really itchy tits.

Oh, right.

Um, well, sadly, we can't help your itchy tits. I mean breasts.

Uh...

Itchy tits.

Hello. You're through to Koolio Radio.

What's your name and issue?

It's me, it's Jules.

Oh, Jules. I can't chat right now.

I just wondered how it was all going.

Are you making friends?

Have you had lunch yet?

DIAL TONE

Good morning everybody.

OK, let's gather round. Gather round.

Uh, first things first, OK,

last night I absolutely walloped Dodsy here on Fifa, 5-0.

So you know what that means. On the shitbox, Dodsy.

My name's Dodsy and I'm a pathetic excuse for a man.

THEY CHEER

Remember, if I beat any of you 5-0,

you have to publicly apologise for letting mankind down.

Yeah?

Sit down, Dodsy. All right?

Today, some of my very good pals, Kasabian, they're going to pop

into the office to do a Q&A on Twitter. Yeah?

Dandruff, you on that?

Yes. Nice one.

So, new idea, OK? Let's just go with this.

I want to do a short-form video on somebody getting their bollocks

checked for cancerous lumps.

But, wait for it,

we're going to get a page three model to do it.

THEY CHEER

Nah, just jokes.

It will actually have to be a fully qualified nurse, unfortunately.

But the good news is, I will need somebody to get their balls fondled.

So, uh, let's go with

you, Danny boy.

You'll be getting your tackle out tomorrow. Yeah?

Yeah. Nice.

I'm going to need a video edit and accompanying copy on my desk by six.

OK? Whatever. Nice one, mate.

Oh.

Fuckin'... I crack myself up.

Unfortunately, you soon realise that everyone at Nice One Mate

was a bit of a prick.

Oh, lads, she might have found a tiny lump.

Oh, no, don't worry about it. It's just Danny's left nut.

THEY GUFFAW

You're all good. Oh, cheers. Uh, sorry about that.

Oh, brill. Thank you, by the way, nurse.

Um, I just think it's always good to raise awareness.

You know what I mean? Well done, Ball Boy!

Well done, Ball Boy! Ball Boy.

Ball Boy. So clever!

I actually can't believe he gone through with that.

♪ Koolio Radio gang, how we doing? ♪

AIR HORN

Today's show theme is all about losing your virginity.

So if you're worried about it, give me and Dr Prateek a call.

In the meantime, here's Madge with Like a Virg.

Like a Virgin by Madonna

Hello. You're through to Koolio Radio.

SNIGGERING

Hello?

Oh, hello, dear.

Are you a virgin looking for advice from my show?

No, I'm not a virgin! I wouldn't be in this mess if I was.

OK, Shannon.

Can you hang up now because I need to find a virgin.

You're a virgin, ain't you?

Yeah, I might be a virgin, but at least I'm not a dickhead.

Your mum's here, by the way, darling, you're on speaker.

Hi, my babe.

OK, stop tuning in, both of you.

You're too old.

Oh, do you know what, Jack? That's really charming. Thanks a lot.

We're actually going to an antenatal class now anyway, so...

PHONE LINE BEEPS Oh! He's naughty like that.

Oh, while I remember, Pegs, can you put some Muslim cloths

in that birthing bag for me, please?

Oh, I think you mean muslin.

No, I don't think I do. Let me just fact check that.

Jack, we need a virgin.

Sorry, I can't find any good callers.

Zero virgins so far.

Well, I did just overhear your last conversation.

What? I didn't know you can listen in on my calls.

Yeah, it sounds like we do have one, don't we?

Here on the show, we're joined by Jake...

Oh, it's actually... ...the 20-year-old virgin.

Yep, it's Jake. Very brave of you to talk to us.

So tell us, why still the V plates?

Wah-hey-hey, y'all right, Ball Boy?

SNIGGERS

All right, Ball Boy?

HE SNORTS

Oh! Guys, gather around a second.

I just had a bit of a fucking brainwave.

Right, so, I think we need to do something new on male mental health.

Yeah? The sad lad shtick.

Smithy's piece about, um, what was it? Cranking.

You know, crying whilst you're wanking over your ex.

Did really well with engagement.

Yeah? Meryl. Mm? What we got?

Uh, yeah, Dodsy wants to write about the 23 best Wetherspoons in Britain

to be depressed in. That's perfect.

Yeah, it's just rehashed old bollocks about, you know,

going down the pub, chatting with your mates, you know? Anyone else?

Anyone? Anyone?

Go on. Ball Boy, hit me.

Uh, yeah, like we could do a piece about how it's important

to talk, obviously.

But, you know, we need to help people know what to say when a mate

does actually open up.

OK. Yeah.

Especially as, you know, wait times now for talking therapies

are getting longer and longer so...

Oh. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, mate, mate, mate,

it's way too deep. You're killing my vibe.

Don't get all political, do you know what I mean?

Maybe Danny could write about why the best cure for depression

is a cheeky Nando's.

Bosh. Thank you, Meryl.

It's like you see in me sometimes, do you know what I mean?

Right, you write that up. I'm gonna go to the loo.

Hang on. Right.

Ah! Sunday Brunch in there can go and fuck himself.

Do you know what, they're all fucking idiots.

And don't say, "I told you so." I wasn't.

Oh, do you know, I am sick of people just trying to humiliate me.

I'm not taking it anymore.

Fuck it, do you know what, he is a jumped-up, coked up,

secret posh boy with a website. Mummy and fucking Daddy bought him.

He wouldn't know a good idea if it came spunked in his mouth.

Wow. OK.

For what it's worth, I say write your pitch,

I'll upload it and I won't flag it to Eddie.

Really? Yeah.

I'm leaving next month anyway.

Fucking hate it here.

Aye, fuck him.

Let's do it.

OK. Yeah.

Living For The Weekend by Hard-Fi

♪ Oh, I've been working all week, I'm tired

♪ Yeah, I've been working all week and I'm

♪ Just living for the weekend

♪ Hey, hey

♪ Got some money, I just got paid

♪ Got some money and I can't wait... ♪

I'm just picking today's show subject

out of this hilarious fez hat.

And it's

exam stress again.

So call in on...

...0207 496 0333.

Koolio Radio, what's your issue?

Hi, I'm Greg. I'm just really struggling to learn equations

for my maths exam.

Oh, OK.

Great.

Well, Greg, I'll, uh, patch you through to the studio.

And we have our first caller.

So, Greg, tell us, what's up?

Yeah.

Uh, why don't you go

fuck her right in the pussy?

Fuck her right in the pussy.

Fuck her right in the pussy.

The pussy! Pussy!

Pussy. Pussy. Pussy.

I'm Greg... Fuck her right in the pussy.

Fuck her right in the pussy.

To be fair, you wouldn't have known this,

but when that is said on radio, somebody's got to get sacked.

It's not going to be me.

And it is certainly not going to be Dr Prateek.

So...

How can you get sacked from an experience?

Hey, congrats. Oh. Cheers, man. Thanks. Thanks.

Well done, mate. Oh, ta.

What? Jesus.

Oh!

Congrats. Oh, thanks. Thank you.

Ooh-wee. It has done really well.

More comments than anything all week. Really? Mm-hm.

Although hard to believe, you're actually not an idiot, Danny King.

Shut up.

I don't know why you two keep being a couple of secret.

Oh, no... We're not a couple. No.

Oi! Ball Boy, Sturgeon, a word.

So, do you think you were clever going against me?

No. We just realised that all the content you put out is pure

misogyny rooted in humiliation masquerading as banter.

In English, please, love.

She means you're shit, mate. Well, charming.

I was about to offer you both a column.

I actually read the piece, yeah? I thought it was pretty good.

Please. The only reason you like it is because it was popular.

We had to undermine you to get it published.

And that is because you, Eddie, are a massive c-...

Country and western party!

Come on in and drink the bar dry.

Final day of summer, so half-price cheeky VKs.

Line dancing imminent.

Yee-haw!

Hello, Danny, mate. How's it going?

Jack, you're half cut.

It's the middle of the day and, like, you're supposed to be at work.

And,

I've never been more proud of you!

Well, you know what? Fuck it, mate.

I've just been sacked from my work experience.

Same.

THEY CHEER

♪ Let's go fucking metal! ♪ Fucking metal!

♪ Like chicken ori-... ♪

No! You can't say that anymore, Danny.

What? No, it's Cockney rhyming slang.

It's not offensive. It's inclusive, if anything.

This guy. Right, I'm gonna get a drink.

OK, yeah, will do. Be nice to him. I will. Have fun.

Love, Tarik. Go, go, go.

Hiya. Hiya.

Wow, you look lovely.

Got you these. Oh.

4.99. Thanks a lot. No problem.

So, I was thinking we could get a kebab.

Just, uh, sit in the van, eat it, and then maybe go bowling.

Hm. Bowling? Yeah.

I am eight-and-a-half-months pregnant, Tarik.

Well, I'd let you have the barriers up.

Brilliant. No, thank you, to bowling.

I will take a kebab.

I'm actually quite a big fan of having a kebab before a night out.

Same.

Hello.

Well, you look lovely.

Aw.

I've got you a brandy and coke.

Oh, my favourite.

Calms the nerves.

Yeah.

And I got here early to put The Clash on the jukebox.

I remember they're your favourite.

Oh, Russell.

Cheers.

If I hadn't, Gary on the bar'd be playing Il Divo and I can't be

dealing with that shit.

Oh, such boring fuckers. We get it. You're Italian.

They're actually not Italian. They're a mixed heritage group.

Act I: La Ci Darem la Mano by Mozart

♪ La ci darem la mano... ♪

It'd be the greatest honour of my life to co-parent with you.

Although I don't actually know anything about you.

OK, well, I am an Aquarius with a Capricorn moon.

What about you?

I did the quiz online, and I'm a Hufflepuff. Right.

What's that, then? Harry Potter.

Oh, no. I've never seen it.

You've never seen Harry Potter? No.

If I wanted to see an orphan with a scar on his face,

I'd go to Luton.

Lifetime by Romy Madley Croft

♪ You'll be right be You'll be right be

♪ You'll be right be You'll be right be

♪ Oh, this is a high that I can't get from nobody else

You know I'll never let this feeling go to waste

♪ No, oh, no, no way

♪ This must be a love from a higher place

♪ Closing my eyes and I still know the taste

♪ The touch of your skin when the sun hits your face

♪ And if you're ever lonely

♪ If you can't find the way... ♪

You keep looking at me. Do I?

Why haven't you responded to any of my texts all year?

Well, cos you fancy Yemi.

Everyone fancies Yemi.

No. I fancy both of you.

I chatted you up because I fancied you.

Really?

Yeah.

So, after two years at uni, 17 terrible Grindr hook-ups,

some 500-plus wanks, I said...

Do you fancy going somewhere?

KISSING AND MOANING

I was finally about to lose my virginity.

So, I've worked out our astrological compatibility. Right.

OK. And it says that we're both very kind, which is good.

Um, I've got a temper, which is true.

And you are quite clumsy.

Which...

So, we might be good parents.

And what about, um, your family? Your parents?

Oh, um, so, my dad died when I was three.

My mum went to Australia when I was in year seven,

but I can't stand the accent, so I just stayed here with my nan.

That's nice you're so close.

Hm... Ow.

Ow, my tummy hurts.

Well, you have just had two kebabs.

Oh, my God, what's all that juice?

And what did you say?

I said, Well, allegedly, David Cameron has fucked a pig." Right?

And she goes, "Don't talk about women like that."

And I'm like, "No, an actual pig!"

PHONE RINGS

Laurie would tell me about mad chats he'd have in the cab.

How long was he a black cabbie?

27 years.

Yeah. He sounds like he was a great bloke.

He'd be happy I was on a date, by the way.

Although not with a minicab driver.

Yeah. Black cabbies tend to think we're scum.

I'm yet to be convinced you're not.

PHONE RINGS

Oh.

What?

SHE BREATHES INTENSELY

Breathe, Shannon. You're going to be fine.

We're five minutes from the hospital.

This is going to be my favourite delivery yet.

Don't hold my hand! Drive!

And just as I was about to fuck Oscar...

You are so predictable.

You got with me in the same toilet last year.

What? You two got with each other?

Unfortunately. Fuck.

We should all get with each other.

No, thank you, Brokeback Mountain.

Get up. You left your phone on the table.

Shannon's in labour.

We got to go hospital. You're drunk.

And I just dropped a pill 20 minutes ago cos everyone fucked off.

Do I have to?

I'm kind of in the middle of something.

Oh, fuck's sake.

Sorry, Oscar.

Where's Danny and Corinne?

I Am Not a Robot by MARINA and The Diamonds

♪ Never pick up, don't hang up

♪ Our love faded, our love faded

♪ You never pick up anything

♪ You don't ring, ring, rung

♪ Our love faded, our love faded

♪ Never pick up, don't hang up

♪ Our love faded, our love faded

♪ You never pick up, don't hang up. ♪

Subtitles by Red Bee Media