Original subtitles

Oh! Bloody hell.

What's the word for a group of reindeer?

Uh. An orgy, Nan.

It's an orgy of reindeer.

Oh! We're doing a 12 pubs of Christmas session.

Although we can only do five pubs

because there's only five pubs in Kent Mark's not barred from.

Your cousin Mark was the only bloke in your family you spoke fondly of.

He once went on Tipping Point

and kept calling drop zone 3 a cunt.

The ep was never aired.

Hello, Nan. What's pink and going to get your head in a spin?

It's not your little knob, is it? Even better! Yay!

Best Christmas present ever, Danny boy.

It's quality.

Oi! Boys, boys, just come here a minute. Come here.

Your dad was a bit of a Larry loner in Margate.

Mostly because he'd slept with everyone's missus

and had really shit chat.

The challenge in this pub is

we've got to hold hands the whole time.

And if you let go even for a second,

then you get the next round in, right?

Wait, wait, wait.

I'm not... I'm not holding a bloke's hand.

What?

What about if I need to go for a piss?

I need to get my dick out to piss. I don't want you staring at my dick.

Shut up, give us your hand, you ponce! What's wrong with you?

Right, five, four...

Three, two, one.

THEY CHEER

Hey!

You all right? All right.

Fucking hell. You look like a bunch of fucking woofters.

Shut up, Scrooge, you mug!

Scrooge?

Huh.

Give us a kiss.

SHOUTING

GLASSES CRASH

Fag?

No, I'm not.

No! I meant like a smoke.

Oh. Right.

You once told me how Chappy turned out to be the first gay person

you'd ever met.

He now runs a nail salon in Gravesend.

♪ That's too strong

♪ Cos it is my favourite holiday

♪ But all this year's been a busy blur

♪ Don't think I have the energy... ♪

Fuck, he's fit!

Oh, mate, you really need to get your end away.

I just keep fancying straight guys.

Yeah.

That is going to be an issue.

I'm the exception that proves the rule, obviously,

but, like, as like a genre of human,

like, we're just the worst.

I don't know. I've always got a bit of a gay vibe off Tim.

He dresses nice.

Stretching.

Have you ever smelt his hair?

No. Have you?

Yeah.

This one time we were in the gym together,

and I've looked over at the water fountain

and there's like, this moment,

but who's going to go first, you know,

and I've gone in... Did you kiss?

No, but I just went... HE SNIFFS

HE EXHALES

Lily of the valley.

Oh? Yeah.

I just want to find out if Tim's gay once and for all.

Yeah. Look.

I'm Facebook friends with him.

Oh. What?

Yeah, he's sort of sympathy-added me, like, after my wobble last year.

So... Yeah. There'll be some evidence on there, man.

Sorry. Where is Corinne?

You're pregnant? It's not ideal, no.

What are you going to do?

Well, second and third year of uni count.

So if I was to delay by two years,

then I would be delaying my masters,

which would delay my PhD,

which could delay me making any 30 Under 30s list. So...

Right.

You're joking there, right? Half joking.

And who's the father? Spencer, obviously.

Well, I don't know. We still haven't even met the guy.

I was beginning to wonder if you'd gone and made him up,

but clearly not.

There's nothing on there to suggest he's gay or not gay.

Right, everyone, today we will be looking at phone hacking.

Oh, my God, I was once a victim of phone hacking.

You know what? It was bloody horrible, actually.

A man in Bogota got into my Facey B

and then my whole wall became like a retail hub

for Ray-Ban sunglasses.

Right, Jules, you've got 30 seconds to interrupt this class.

OK, um, we'll just be really quick, then, for you.

At the end of the week,

it's the second year's BA Fashion Showcase.

So come on down.

All bottles of cheeky VK £1.50.

And I'll be selling the leftover Punanis for a pound. Paninis.

I'll take a couple of festive punanis off you.

Paninis. Yeah. Lovely.

Thank you, Danny and Tim.

Oh, yeah.

Jules has manipulated me into donating something

for the festive fundraiser.

And, uh, since I'm moving anyway,

I'll be flogging this - £50 donation.

Come and collect it ASAP.

Table tennis. Pretty gay.

Diamond Veins by French 79

♪ You are the diamonds in my veins

♪ Baby, you cut me... ♪

You don't even do sport.

If I buy this, I can go to Tim's house,

do some investigative journalism to find out if he's gay.

Anyone? We are literally in a lecture

about the invasion of privacy. So...

Oh, shut up, Corinne.

Fine. Sold to Jack.

Oh, will you help me collect it? No. Little creep.

I'm busy tomorrow anyway. Right. We'll get out of your hair.

Um, we've actually got tickets to be in the audience

for Harry Hill's TV Burp.

HE SINGS COUNTDOWN THEME

Piss off!

Right, phone hacking.

Some people say it can ruin people's lives,

and a reasonable misunderstanding of the legislation around it

can also ruin people's careers.

So I'm going to terminate the pregnancy tomorrow,

and I don't want to go by myself.

So will you come with me?

Of course, babe. Thank you.

But why is Spencer not going with you? I asked Spencer, but...

Babe. I would come, you know, I would love to come,

but I've got this feminist poetry podcast tomorrow,

um, talking about toxic masculinity and outdated notions

of patriarchal superiority.

So I, uh, I can't really come with you to the borsh.

Your boyfriend sounds like a prick.

I know. But, yes, I shall come with you.

I just have two days in which to find a model

for my fashion showcase.

So I may be scouting for talent on the abortion ward.

Please don't do that.

Babe, every single model at this university is taken.

I even just had to ask...

Would I have to walk in a straight line?

Well, yes.

No can do.

Contrary to my confident persona,

I've actually got quite a nervous disposition.

Right.

Right.

No.

Yay! Hey!

Look who it is! Danny boy!

Merry Christmas.

Hey, listen.

Did you bring a handgun and ten grand?

Yeah, I'll sneak it to you after we've had these watery coffees.

All right?

Oh, no. I'm off the caffeine. What?

Yeah, yeah, I've quit anything that's remotely a drug.

Finally! If only you'd been supplying

the people of Margate with arabica beans instead of dodgy class As.

Yeah, yeah. Any jokes how we're the only two

that's left Margate and moved up to London?

I mean, you're in prison, Mark.

Yeah, well, it's a very desirable West London postcode.

OK. Fair enough.

No, I'm... I'm proper sorting myself out.

Good, good.

Anyway, to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?

Uh, it's, it's my old man. Is he dead?

No, no, he's just texted me out of the blue.

He wants to meet up. Oh, shit.

Even worse.

I knew Tim was my lecturer and nothing would happen,

but I felt I needed to know if he was gay,

like Louis Walsh or the Go Compare Man.

It was one of life's mysteries.

Hey.

Hello, Jack.

The table's just here.

Cool.

I just love tennis... table tennis.

Just don't touch anything.

So, have you not brought a vehicle with you?

Nah.

So how are you going to get this home?

Oh, uh, yeah.

I hadn't thought about that.

So who do you live with?

It's just me.

Oh, well, who would you play table tennis with?

Well, normally I'd fold up one side

and, uh, play solo. Right.

Maybe I'll start playing with myself.

You know, Jack, you can play with yourself as much as you like,

but get a van first.

Oh, she is stunning.

I'm pretty sure that NHS staff don't want to model

for fashion students.

Are you OK? You've asked me that eight times.

This is pretty normal stuff. OK?

I just wanted a pal to chat to.

Oh, aye-aye!

Look, it's you. Oh, my fucking God.

Hello, my dolls.

I'm having my three-month scan.

Oh, wow. Congrats. Can I pinch your lighter, sweetheart?

Of course you can.

So, what are you two doing here? I didn't know you smoked.

I'm just a bit stressed.

Um, yeah, because, uh...

Yemi's having his haemorrhoids removed.

Oh, hon.

What treatment are you having?

I'm not so sure.

OK, they can wrap a rubber band around a haemorrhoid

to make it drop off, or they can put an electric current through.

But actually, with mine, they just used infrared light.

Well, you haven't actually chosen yet, have you?

It's just a pretty big decision.

Oh, well. It's good to know you have options, darling.

Yes. That's good.

You look ridiculous.

Nan! I need something in between my fingers to keep the smoking habit.

OK? How many have you had today?

About five.

Well, that amount of spicy pork can't be good for a baby.

Oh, God.

Hi, boys.

Boys, boys. Boys. Boys.

It's me.

Oh, Tim.

Lush old pad.

Do you know what it's like?

The house on The Apprentice, isn't it?

Right.

Put the kettle on, then, Tim, in I come for a cup of tea.

- Absolutely not. - OK. MOBILE RINGS

Uh, can you two load and go, please? I've got to take this phone call.

No, I've just had a tea. It's fine.

OK. Mind your toes.

Um...

Hold on, Jules, I'm just going to nip to the loo.

Oh, OK. Oh. Um... Uh, steal me a bog roll. What?

It's what people do at Buckingham Palace, isn't it?

Um, Mel B has four, apparently...

Well, yeah. You come round around 6.00 tomorrow,

I'll pop open some wine.

We'll just have a lovely evening in,

just us, you know?

Well, if you're lucky, there'll be some mischief.

I spoke to him briefly on the phone, but I don't know,

I just... I don't think I'm ready to let him back in, you know?

Well, I'm not surprised. I mean,

he's been an almighty tosser most of our lives. Yeah, he has.

But then, you know, so have I.

Because, you know, when I get out of here, Dan,

I'm going to be asking everyone for a second chance.

Yeah, but that's different, isn't it?

He's had his second chance and his third and his fourth.

What I'm saying is, I suppose you just don't know

when someone's ready to properly change. How's Nan doin'?

Yes. Stable.

I mean, she likes her carer a lot.

Yeah, she flashed him last month.

Seriously. I mean, she said it was an accident, but, you know...

It sounds like her.

Sorry I weren't about when, you know, when she's gone downhill.

No. It's fine. You know, I mean, it's the thing.

Neither was Dad, you know?

At least you've got an excuse.

Only you can decide if you want to forgive him, mate.

There's a lot of time to think in here.

I mean, mostly, don't get me wrong.

Prison's just shit food, daytime telly

and slinging one up a sock every now and then.

Sounds like uni. Yeah? Yeah.

But I think the hardest thing is the fact

that I might not get to say goodbye to Nan,

and that's fucking hard, Dan. That hurts.

Patch things up with your old man.

I'm telling you, you don't want that regret.

Listen, I didn't manage to sneak you in any dirty mags,

but I did manage to get you this.

There you go.

Oh, no. You can't give it to me, mate!

Mate, it's just a spinning bowtie!

It could have concealed drugs or be used as a blade.

It's a novelty spinning bow tie, mate. All right? Don't hurt him!

It's all right, Dan. It's all right. It's all right.

So seeing you was the best present I could have asked for, mate.

The local abortion clinic was mostly populated by women

who chose not to go with boyfriends,

but instead with a trusted gay best friend.

Come 'ere. Can we keep this termination between us, please?

I'm only telling you as the closest thing I have to a girlfriend.

Yeah. Thanks, bitch.

Oh, my God!

That just gave me an idea. What?

Maybe I don't need some other basic fashion bish to wear my designs.

Here we go.

Maybe... Maybe I pick me.

Oh, OK.

No. To be fair, that's a very good idea.

Why not be my own model?

Yeah. It feels like something I should have always done.

You saying you're questioning your gender?

Corinne, I know you want a friend of every single letter

of the LGBT umbrella.

I'm just saying that men can look cute in skirts, no?

You're talking to a Scot, babe.

It's called kilt. Ms Gahamire?

Yes.

What the fuck?

Look, I'm sorry to take over, but I have to redesign,

alter and expand all of these garments to fit me.

And I've got 36 hours to do it.

I mean, I used to sew my name into my PE kit when I was a kid.

Do you want a hand? Yes, please. Thank you.

Where's Corinne? She could help. No, no, she's in her room.

She, um...

She's feeling a little bit poorly.

Oh, look who it is.

The stalker.

Any gay Tim info?

No, but I found out he has a date tomorrow,

so trying to figure out a way to spy on that.

Jack, you're actually starting to worry me.

I've just been to see my cousin in prison,

and you would not last five minutes in there.

All right, they ain't got Wi-Fi or tiger bread.

Jack, I'm trying to make my dream collection.

And your table tennis table is literally

getting in the way of that. Literally.

But there's nowhere else it can go.

Then take it back from whence it came.

This shed has youth club vibes enough already.

Thank you very much.

Oh, this could give me a reason to go back to Tim's tomorrow.

You're obsessed.

♪ I knew when you told me you don't want to go home tonight

♪ And you tried to just shrug it off when I asked why

♪ Somebody hurt you, somebody hurt you

♪ But you're here by my side

♪ And I knew

♪ Cos I can recall when I was the one in your seat

♪ I've still got the scars and they occasionally bleed

♪ Cos somebody hurt me, somebody hurt me

♪ But I'm staying alive

♪ And I can tell When you get nervous

♪ You think being yourself Means being unworthy

♪ And it's hard to love

♪ With a heart that's hurting

♪ But if you want to go out dancing

♪ I know a place... ♪

And there Tim was, having a romantic meal with a boy.

And her.

Hello. How can I help you, Jack?

Yeah. This table.

Um, yeah. Sadly, it's not for me.

Well, I'm not going to take it back. OK?

Right. Um...

Fair enough.

Can I use your loo?

Can you not? OK.

And, um... what's going on here? Goodbye, Jack.

OK. Cool. See ya.

Hey, guys.

Is that Spencer?

Yes, that is Spencer.

She's dumped me!

Nice to meet you, guys.

That's why she's been in her room.

Oh, God. I hate breaking up with people.

Yeah, it's a lot. You know, I had to leave my ex

because she was addicted to online shopping.

I mean, I was down the post office so much returning her parcels,

I ended up shagging the girl on the Bureau de Change.

You're so feisty!

Do you understand the English I speak in this house?

What did I say?

No table.

Look, I just pushed it on a four-mile round trip to see Tim

with a guy and a girl.

So I still don't know if he's fucking gay.

Good.

Danny told me about your little escapade.

So let me tell you something, Jack.

It's actually none of your business what someone else's sexuality is.

Yeah, I know, but... There are no buts, Jack.

I was outed by a lady from my church who just saw me having a drink

with a guy, then ran to go and tell our pastor.

Oh, yeah.

So, no, we don't go uncovering,

no matter what stupid crushes we have.

You're right. It's like me in Year 7,

you know, when I used to chat up the sixth formers. What?

I think you were going for someone you knew

you couldn't have so you wouldn't get hurt, you know?

But you do, right?

Lindsay Hawkins.

OK.

Sorry, Yemi.

The worst part is you've actually

completely upstaged my outfit reveal.

Oh. Come on. Come on!

♪ I know a place...

Whoa!

Yes!

You look beautiful.

♪ ..just lay down their weapon, lay down your weapon... ♪

Although maybe we lose the sunglasses.

Look a bit like Jimmy Saville.

Corinne, Corinne. What? Hey, Corinne! Oh, Jesus.

I know I fucked up, so I'm here to show you

that I still believe in us.

Oh, no. He's not going to do a poem, is he?

I can't watch this.

In this city of chicken bones and mobile phones

You and me are meant to be a cacophony of chemistry

I'm sorry, I still see among these skyscraper lined streets...

Skyscrapers? We're in fucking Zone 6.

So I plead to thee

That we'll never flee

I don't see you and me condemned to history...

Spencer... Please believe in this city...

Spencer. Yes.

Fuck off.

♪ Rockin' around the Christmas tree

♪ At the Christmas party hop... ♪ Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!

Are you all right? Yeah.

Oh, I'm going to get in my jimmy-jams too.

Go on, then, do it.

My mum also got you matching pyjamas for Christmas

so you could stay and not be on your tod at your nan's flat.

But you said you had something you needed to do.

You all right, Dad?

All right, son?

♪ Voices singing let's be jolly...

BABY MUSICAL BOX FINISHES MELODY

Whoa! Hello, hello, hello.

Ah?

I'd give the bathroom five mins

cos a hot bath always makes me want to go.

Have you moved into my room?

OK, here we go. All right.

Well, listen, me and Nan kept falling out, OK?

You have fucked off.

And Peggy's quite lonely, so, ta-da!

I've been here three weeks.

Shannon! We went and bought mum an iPhone...

iPhone for Christmas last Tuesday. You didn't mention it.

I forgot! I've got you a lovely airbed off the Argos catalogue.

Merry Christmas to you.

But I did want to show you these.

Oh, Shan!

Oh, this is so cool.

Isn't it?

Can you scan those for me at your fancy uni library,

so I can put them on Facey B in HD?

Sweet.

Oh.

We've recently moved your grandmother up a floor

as her condition has worsened.

Right.

Is she...?

Merry Christmas to you, too.

♪ Do you want to spend the day?... ♪

Hello, Nan.

♪ A day in the water... ♪

It's me.

♪ When nothing hurts your skin.... ♪

Look, I've got you some nice flowers.

♪ Do you want to know?

♪ Do you want to feel the sun...? ♪

Your nighty looks nice, doesn't it?

You ain't got any porridge down it this time.

It's a start.

♪ Do you want know?...

♪ Deeper, and the deeper, and the deeper

♪ And the deeper that I go

♪ Softer, I get softer, I get softer

♪ I get softer, I don't know

♪ Father, oh, father, oh, father oh, father, let me go

♪ I don't want no more

♪ I hear them talking about it

♪ It sounds like the same old song

♪ I see they worry about it

♪ I'm so far ago, they can't be wrong

♪ I know it's obvious

♪ I'm flying from what I can see

♪ So let me be

♪ Let me

♪ Do you want to spend a day? ♪

Subtitles by Red Bee Media