Original subtitles

The morning you first left for uni,

your nan took you for a full English,

knowing it may well be the last before she was too poorly

to do a competitive all-you-can-eat-breakfast challenge.

Can't believe I've a grandson off to university.

Feel like the fucking Queen.

Oi. Look, it's Brent Uni, all right? Not St Andrews.

There's kids studying mime, for fuck's sake.

Well, mime's still better than the dole.

Got your pressies before you go. Oh.

Sudocrem.

JLS johnnies, only the best.

Corsodyl?

Bleeding gums put women off. Trust me.

Right. Listen, if there's any problems, OK,

promise me you'll just call me and I'll come racing back.

Oh. All right.

There's loads of people round here that can help you an' all. I know.

Let's not spoil now. OK.

Has your dad text to say goodbye at all?

No. What a wanker.

Oi.

Let's not spoil now.

Nan and Dan for ever.

Dan and Nan for ever.

Come on, big hug.

I love you. I love you.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Now, don't pull a minger!

All right?

Bye. Ta-rah!

Every freshers event was always about sex,

from the school disco party, where everyone dressed as slutty versions

of the children they were only four years before,

to the traffic light party,

where lads with loving girlfriends back home still dressed in green

but Yemi, as LGBT society president,

wanted to make everything a bit more inclusive.

We are here, we are queer and we are wearing cotton sheer.

Yo, we're going to set up this LGBT+ stand

and then we're going to get fucking wasted. Woo! Yeah!

I've had my city-city pram-pram, I'm in a good mood

and I'm ready to get wood.

Danny, I'm chuffed that you can get an erection but do we have to hear about it every five minutes?

Yes, because it's a medical miracle.

Me and Jackie boy here, we are fully out to fuck a fresher.

OK... That sounds quite predatory, but, yeah. Yeah, we are.

Mate, some of the birds at this uni are older than me.

Amy from fine arts, 37.

Diane from illustration is 43.

Yeah, and both are married. Yes.

And what do you think creative, unhappily married women do, right?

They fill out a UCAS form and they fuck their way through a short-term arts degree.

Hello, Mummy. You repulse me sometimes.

Yeah, I repulse myself.

Anyway, you're going to be entertaining Spencer later,

so just try not to think about my raging hard-ons all night long, OK?

God.

You know how normally when straight guys talk about their dicks, I'm aroused?

With you, I'm just bored. OK, fine.

I won't make any more mentions of my erections for the rest of the evening.

Touch wood! Oh, come on.

SHE CHUCKLES

Jackie boy, are you going to help us?

I am putting this sign up for your lot.

Sorry, I just can't seem to get any good 3G signal down here.

I'm streaming Strictly Come Dancing. Oh, fuck's sake.

What? It's Alison Hammond's first week.

She's doing the cha-cha-cha to Chaka Khan.

I don't give a cha-cha-shit, mate.

We're supposed to be on the pull.

Tonight is about strictly come... dumping.

Big finger in the house! SHE CHUCKLES

Look who's back. Oh, no, actually, sorry.

Erm, why are you dressed like that?

It's the traffic light party, innit?

No, it's first years only, I'm afraid.

Are you kidding me?

We actually have really strict rules about this kind of thing

because of last year's traffic lights,

when I caught a couple of our caretakers head to toe green boilersuits

skulking around after the students.

They were, like, 23, 24. It's like really disgusting creeps.

It's not disgusting. You're 26, right?

Yeah. OK. Thank you. That's very sweet.

OK, guys. Right, BRB.

I'm going to pop on my...

♪ Apple bottom jeans Boots with the fur... ♪

Do you believe it?

Look, to be honest, Danny, the best way for you to actually pull tonight

is by you leaning into the fact that you are an older gentleman.

Older gentleman? Precisely.

You want to compete with all the new arrives?

You've got to present like a hot classic car.

Capitalise.

Yeah.

OK.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Jack, why aren't you out there?

He's FaceTiming Peggy, while she holds the iPad up to the telly

playing Strictly.

What the fuck are you wearing?

Hello, Danny babe.

Jack, give me the phone.

Look... Hey, Pegs.

Listen, me and Jack are supposed to be out on the pull tonight, so...

And why are you dressed like Richard Hammond, then?

Sorry!

Are Alison and Richard related?

Peggy, do you want your son watching ballroom dancing

on a Saturday night, or do you want him out here living his life?

Actually, you're totally right there.

You know, tell Jack I'm going to hang up now. All right, OK.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

No, I'm keeping this until you get out there and chat up some gay boys.

Fine. Homophobe. Dweeb.

Some prick's just nominated me for the ice bucket challenge.

Jules? Yes.

She nominated me twice this week.

It's attention-seeking masquerading as a charitable endeavour.

It's girls in white T-shirts getting soaked in ice water

for motor neurone disease. Yes, please.

You're despicable. I know.

Right, Spencer is here, so I'm going to go.

OK. Good luck, pal. Go get 'em.

STRICTLY THEME PLAYS

Oh, it's sad, though.

It's sad how a Latin American movement pattern can wreck a home.

What? Strictly curse.

It absolutely terrifies me.

You don't date a celeb, though.

Peggy, I'm a party planner. I'm around celebs all the time.

I could... I could easily meet a celeb.

And then one day he'd probably leave me for a Russian woman

with amazing posture.

Maybe focus on dating a non-celeb first.

Have you told the father yet?

No. I don't see why I should have to.

We both know that the best way to get on The Apprentice

is to be a single mum and an independent business owner.

It's common decency to let someone know when they've knocked you up.

At the very least, kids are fucking expensive.

You're going to need a hand. OK, then. Fine.

I will order something from Asos.

What? Why? You're skint.

The father's a next-day delivery driver.

Oh, God.

It began with, you know, just a little parcel here and there and...

Thank you.

See ya.

You know, a bit of flirty banter at the door and...

SHE GIGGLES Stop it!

Oh.

He came on pretty strong.

And, yeah, I was feeling a little bit lonely, so...

Right.

Well, I hope he ain't a Hermes delivery driver.

I wouldn't go there.

I would never go there.

Asos.

Yeah.

The other day I had a hook-up and as I was leaving the guy's room,

we realised we'd taken off the exact same outfit,

same T-shirt, same underwear, same socks. All of it.

Happens all the time. Yeah.

I looked inside one of the pairs of pants to see if it was my size,

and I just saw this huge crusty skid mark

straight down the middle of them.

That's how I knew they were mine.

Anyone who plays their cards right gets to check if I'm joking or not.

Do you guys want a hooch?

Please don't talk to me.

Yes.

Thanks, er, Oscar.

Hey. No worries...

...Jack.

I'll get you a hooch.

I like your earrings.

Thanks. My boyfriend got them for me. OK.

I'm from Argentina. Oh, wow.

I don't know anything about Argentina,

apart from obviously when Beckham got the red card.

David Beckham kicked Diego Simeone in '98.

Er, I was born in '96.

You...

So this is, I'd say, 65 to 75% of my Ty Beanie Baby collection,

the vast majority of which will have to be bought in...

Whilst you were getting your ear chewed off,

I managed to pull a really fit guy of my own age,

which meant I got my phone back and I got...

Dandruff check. Oh, yeah.

Have you douched? Um, that's not on my checklist.

I know, but if you're going to be mating, you've got to get excavated.

OK, OK. Thanks, Danny.

So, what are you going to be studying? Er, PR.

Oh, cool, cool. Yeah. I mean, we need PRs, right?

Cos people always have affairs that need covering.

Er, yeah, sure.

So what do you teach?

Sorry... teach? Yeah. What are you, like, a lecturer or...?

No, I'm...

PE.

I mean, anyone with a history of depression who spent weeks

watching daytime telly in bed with her as their only source of joy...

Loves Alison.

Completely.

Thanks for letting me tether to your 3G.

It's romantic, innit?

Tethering.

AUDIENCE CHEERS ON STRICTLY

I'm... Sorry.

I really want to do this, but I need to watch this.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, sure, sure.

Alison's also just like a really adept, proficient journalist.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I always say that.

Well, you are a journalism student, so...

Hey, look, I'm going to be right back. I just need to...

♪ I get lost in my thoughts and for hours of time

♪ And it's making me feel like I'm not alone any more

♪ To be honest, to be honest

♪ I'm trying to love but I'm afraid to kill... ♪

You hadn't had a text from your dad in years.

♪ ..When to search or stay still So I fly... ♪

Where is he?

I need a tether.

♪ ..Broken and yet tender

♪ Always in and always out... ♪

You OK?

I can't find Oscar anywhere.

You sure you're OK? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Erm, I think I might go, actually.

Yeah.

Yeah, let's go.

No, no, look, mate, I don't want to ruin your night, like, you just...

It's all good. Let's go.

Despite our efforts to fuck a fresher, we got back to the shed

to find our flatmates were the ones getting fucked instead.

BED CREAKS, LOUD MOANING

10.15pm.

It's the final day in Chelmsford,

and the food at Gavin's Caribbean theme night has shocked his guests,

as has his special package.

Come Dine With Me, Channel 4. Yeah. All right.

But what specific channel?

Oh, considering time of broadcast.

E4 plus one.

Bad luck. More4.

MOANING INTENSIFIES

Oh, fuck!

Are you OK, mate?

Yeah. I mean, the girl I actually like is being railed next door,

right after the fresher I was chirpsing mistook me for -

wait for it - a lecturer.

So, yeah, I've had better nights.

You?

I'm just annoyed this Oscar guy disappeared.

I was finally chipsing someone I really liked.

Chirpsing.

Chirps... chirpsing.

Chirpsing. There we go.

You dirty pig! You dirty fucking pig!

Right, just eat Monster Munch, mate. It drowns out the sound.

Go on, get it in your mouth. Yeah. Crunch, crunch, crunch.

♪ Open your eyes

♪ Wake up in the daylight... ♪

LOUD MOANING

Ooh, Oscar! You dirty boy!

Oh, please say I'm dreaming that.

Do you like that? Do you like it?

Soz, mate.

You naughty boy, Oscar!

All right?

Yes.

Spencer just left. Oh! Wait, was Spencer here?

Oh, I didn't realise that. Shut up, Danny.

These walls are thin. Yes, I know, Corinne.

Sadly, Jack here got with a lad called Oscar last night.

Why is that sad?

Because he came back and fucked Yemi. Sorry, Jack. Oh, dear.

Good morning. Good morning.

Morning.

Good morning, Jack.

CROCKERY CLATTERS

Corinne, babe, I think we need to talk volume.

Oh, do we? Mm-hm. Lots. Oh.

What's up with her? You fucked Oscar.

That's who Jack likes. What?

Yeah, we all heard you.

Oh, shit.

I'm sorry. Mm-hm.

Right, I need to get some sleep. Oh, shit.

Oh, he's quite sexy, Shan.

Is he? Yeah.

We only really did it for about four minutes

before he had to deliver another parcel.

Oh, poor boy. Poor boy?

Poor me, more like.

God, he's not the brightest spark...

...at all.

I don't know how he's going to take it.

DOORBELL RINGS

Wow. That's amazing.

Yeah. And you can, like, meet the baby and that

but I am fully intending on being a single mum-trepreneur, so...

Well, I can help out as much as you like or as little as you like.

No, I won't need help, thank you.

Well, let me give you my number.

All right, well, don't write on the parcel.

And I'll give you my landline.

Don't need to do that. Just in case.

There you go. I look forward to hearing from you.

Actually, I don't need this. I'm just going to take that.

I just did that to get you here.

So if you could return that for me, that'd be great.

OK. OK. Thanks. Bye.

Shannon Papadopoulou, shame on you.

Peggy...

No, he was quite mean to me out there.

Hey!

Did Alison get through on Strictly last night?

Are you concerned about being radicalised to jihad?

What if I am?

The jihadis aren't overly keen on the uptake from homos, mate.

It says it there. Anyway, do you want a coffee?

I was going to go get one.

What happened last night?

Yeah, I don't know. I'm sorry.

I went a bit AWOL.

I just felt too drunk, so I headed home.

Oh, did you now?

Yes.

You didn't go to a big blue shed to get called a fucking cum slut pig?

Fucking hell. Yeah, did Yemi tell you what we did?

He didn't have to. We all heard it. Oh, fuck.

I just really love his shows. What?

Yeah. His shows are, like, insanely hot.

What shows? I confess, I've been a fan of Yemi for a while now.

What are you talking about?

Yemi's web...

...cam shows? Yes.

Oscar said Yemi was a webcam performer

and he knew who I was from Yemi's Instagram,

which makes sense, because he somehow knew I was a journalism student.

Wait, wait-wait-wait.

So...

So Yemi wanking on webcam to Oscar is what we all heard?

That makes so much sense because I kept hearing...

SHE BREATHES HEAVILY

Oh, dear, my webcam's fallen over.

Look, well, good for him, all right?

We can have a word, tell him to quieten it down.

But how Yemi makes his money is none of our business.

I want to watch.

Good user interface.

Hmm.

Hello. Hi, just doing some homework.

I wanted to apologise, Jack, for sleeping with Oscar.

I'm sorry.

I got you an apology gift that I'd be more than happy

to assist you in trying.

Oh, is that a clown horn? Honk, honk.

It's a silicone anal douche.

Ooh, no, thank you.

So you fill it up with warm water, spread your cheeks, squat up

your bowels, and then splush!

You expel all demons, pagan spirits and poo particles.

A fresh bussy for the freshers.

Thank you... Yemi!

When I've finished doing some bits and bobs in my room, I'll come out

here and give you a tutorial.

You could use that to do the dishes, mate, couldn't you?

It might mean you actually do them.

Guys, why is he lying that he fucked Oscar?

Yeah, well, maybe because he's embarrassed about his job,

which is more reason why we should not watch his show.

He's on, I hear pony.

This is so wrong.

Don't be such a spoilsport.

You're literally the one reading a magazine full of tits.

I'm reading an article about renewable energy.

OK, anyway, I paid for these tits.

Yeah, well, I just paid 5.99 to sign up, so...

No, you didn't, you clicked the free trial button. Shut up, Jack.

So which one of you dirty bastards want to come

and lick this shoe clean?

Those are my Doc Martens.

Ah, ah.

All right, lads.

Danny, come here, mate. What?

Who's getting the drink in tonight?

Oh, that's my Hard-fi T-shirt.

♪ Let's have a Kiki

♪ I want to have a Kiki

♪ Lock the doors

♪ Let's have a Kiki

♪ We're being served

♪ Ha-ha-honey #.

What's going on here?

Oh, there's 69 of you dirty bastards watching me right now.

Thank you.

Special shout-outs go out to Colin, Olusola.

Brian Blessed - again?

And...

Yo, yo, yo, yo, listen, I'm about to do a quick costume change.

Stay here, enjoy this short intermission.

So what's he going to do now?

Is he getting changed, he said?

Busy?

SCREAMING

Right, I'd have thought you're cleverer

than to let your chatroom username be your university email address.

Oh, shit.

Right, you're all going to get one question each.

Only speak if holding the douche.

Erm...

Why are you doing it, babe?

I'm a fashion student making 25 to 30 garments a term.

I cannot afford decent fabrics without this money.

And how long have you...? You've had your question.

Pass on the douche.

OK, what stuff do you do?

Sometimes I wank, sometimes just show body.

Sometimes I'll just be sitting there talking about RuPaul's Drag Race.

It really depends what the viewers want.

But can I just say, I told them both several times

that they shouldn't watch, but go on, how much coin are you making?

Depending on what kind of show I'm doing...

...roughly 300 a night.

What? £300 a night.

Flipping hell, right now I can get hard-ons,

I'll bash a few out for some cash. Shut up, Danny.

OK, enough, I'm really going to need all of you lot to help me

keep my business on the DL.

Yeah, and can I just say I'm really sorry?

OK, we could just... We could all hear you.

Yeah, I'm sorry too.

I was just a bit jealous and...

Look, is there anything we can do to make it up to you?

Despite the humiliation of being Yemi's sex slave

gimp dildo assistant, this was kind of making me feel

a bit more confident, knowing that somewhere Oscar was...

Yeah...

And you felt confident you were in a good enough place

to text your dad back.

Oh, fuck, it's brilliant.

Oh, thanks.

It's a shame we ain't met Spencer yet.

He's just really busy at the moment.

He's busy? He is.

He's a poet, isn't he?

Yes, Danny, he's a poet.

And a very good one, actually.

Very good.

Actually, can I take a quick photo of you?

Why? It's for my nan, I know it's weird.

She just said... I said I'd send her pictures of all my mates and...

What, on her own? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let me just take that... OK, right, you ready?

Just say ice bucket challenge!

Argh!

This is fucking cashmere, Yemi.

Woo!

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media