All language subtitles for hacks.s04e01.1080p.web.h264-successfulcrab.Hi

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[indistinct conversation]

Okay, Ava, your
office is right here.

Deborah, yours is this way.

- Wonderful.
- Great.

♪ ♪

[sighs]

♪ ♪

[knock at door]

Come in.

♪ ♪

Well, aren't you
a big, brave girl?

I guess I am.

It's for the best.

♪ ♪

We'll see.

♪ ♪

[door opens]

♪ ♪

[door slams]

[engine turning over]

Oh.

Deborah!

Hey. Deborah!

[tires screech] Wait!

Rob told me.

You made Ava head writer.

I... I'm honestly moved.

The fact that you have
the grace and humility

to see the error of your
ways and do the right thing,

it is inspiring.

You two have been
through so much together.

And, yes, I am the
one that paired you,

but that's not important, right?

What's important is, you're
supporting each other.

And women supporting women,
that's where it's at.

Why don't you ask that little
cunt what really happened?

[engine revving,
tires squealing]

No. No!

Why, Ava, why?

I know her, okay?

All Deborah cares about
is the show being a hit,

and I will make sure that it is.

She just called
you the C-word...

and not in a cool RuPaul
way, in an angry boomer way.

She's really upset.

Oh, she's upset?

Don't worry about her.

The spice don't
stick to the chicken.

Chicken? What chicken?

What I mean is, nothing
amounts to anything with her.

You're loyal to her, it
builds zero goodwill.

So don't worry
about her feelings,

'cause she doesn't have any.

She's heartless.
- Exactly.

I'm afraid of what
she's gonna do.

Once, she had someone removed
from an organ-transplant list.

The woman lived, but
it was a miracle.

[softly] Jesus.

Not to make this about me,

but why are you
doing this to me?

This is my first on-screen
credit as a producer.

You were the one who told me
to take the job, so I did.

Yeah, I didn't mean
take it take it.

You deserve the job, but this
isn't the way you go about it.

Oh, right, you were the one
who wanted me to roll over

and take the number-two job.

I'm honestly considering
being mad at you.

- No!
- Fine! [sighs]

You wanted me to learn
from her... well, I did.

I wanted you to learn the
value of a hard day's work

and a... and a borscht
belt punch line.

You have to get a late-night
show off the ground.

Blackmail on day
one? Not good!

I'm just doing what
she would have done.

And that's the problem.

She's been doing
this for 50 years.

You're not gonna beat
her at her own game.

Nobody beats Deborah.

Till now.

[scoffs]

Oh, God. Thank you, Nathaniel.

You're welcome.

[door closes]

And those are from?

"Deborah, it's going
to be a slam dunk.

Love, your friend
LeBron James."

And let's put the tulips
in the guest room,

because Deborah thinks
tulips are whorish.

Yeah.

- "Sit on this"?
- Joy Behar.

That's the nicest
note she's ever sent.

So are you gonna
tell Deborah today?

[sighs] Yeah.

I mean, first day
at her dream job,

she's in a great mood.

Now is probably the ideal time
to tell her I'm leaving, right?

- Yeah, I think so.
- Yeah.

[grunting] [dull thudding]

[dog barking,
objects clattering]

[panting] Oh, hi.

Everything okay?

Yeah, I was getting an
early start on the demo.

You can't trust
anybody these days.

You need something?
- Nope. Nope.

We'll... we'll
let you get to it.

Okay.

[grunting]

♪ Ah, give your body
up to the music ♪

♪ Dance your dance ♪

Good morning.

Badge?

Oh, um, it's my first day.

I don't have my... my badge yet.

License. [slurps]

This you?
- Yep.

You sure? This girl
look like depression.

That was the old me, see?

Oh, yeah, that is you.

- New job, new me.
- I love it.

Have a great day.
- Oh, I will.

[tires screech] Oh.

- I got it.
- All right.

♪ Dance your dance ♪

Come on up. What do you want?

♪ Give your body up ♪

♪ ♪

[sighs]

Hey, can we talk?

Yeah, yeah. Come on in.
You can close the door.

I'd prefer to keep it open,
if that's okay with you.

Okay.

I found this on my
desk this morning.

And I found these...

inside.

[scoffs]

Came with a note:

"From your head writer, Ava."

But "head" was underlined.

[chuckles nervously]

Are these yours?

Well, the holes tell me yes.

But I did not... I did
not send those to you.

Look, I know this
is a comedy show

and you're a comedy writer,

but bits like this are
highly inappropriate,

and I would appreciate...
- It was Deborah.

- It was Deborah?
- Yes.

It's a prank.

[laughs] Whoo!

It's George Clooney.

It's playful. We love it.

- I don't love it.
- I don't love it either.

We need to talk to
Deborah about it.

This is serious.

You're trying to tell
me that Deborah Vance

somehow got ahold
of your panties

and put them on my
desk as a prank?

Yes, it's... it's part
of our silly repartee.

And besides, you
know I didn't do it,

'cause I know the joke isn't
funny since you're gay.

I'd prefer you not assume
my sexual orientation.

Totally.

There is a... there's a picture

of you marrying a man
in your office, though.

You don't know who that man is.

I'm moving up the
sexual-harassment training.

Okay, amazing.

Fabulous.

Okay.

[sighs]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Huh, they moved
up the HR meeting.

I wonder why.
- Ha ha.

Nice try with the panties.
- "Panties"? We're at work.

Act appropriately,
you fucking skank.

That's rich coming from you.

Aren't you and Mary
Magdalene neck and neck

for the title of
world's oldest whore?

Be careful. I'm
wearing a wire.

What?

You're... Are you?

No.
- [chuckles]

Okay, that's the end
of our presentation.

Does anybody have any questions?

Yes?

Yeah, so, um, in
your presentation,

you said that sexual
relationships between employees

of a company are prohibited.
- Mm.

But what about
relationships that happen

before the season of a show,

say, I don't know, on a golf
retreat or something like that?

Yeah, that is a gray area,

but I would say our
policy is real clear.

Any sexual relations between
two employees is discouraged.

What if it's, like,
less of a relationship,

more of, like, a
home-wrecker-type situation?

Well, I think that would
be highly inappropriate.

Yeah, I think we can all
agree on that in here, right?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah,
thanks, Stacey.

- You're so welcome.
- Oh. Sorry.

Oh, wait. Hold on, everybody.

Yeah?
- Second row. One more.

Is there an age limit on
sexual favors in the workplace,

or do senior citizens get a pass

'cause it's, like,
good for them?

Maybe she could email
her disgusting questions

and let the rest of us
get back to our day.

I have a press
conference to get to.

Well, actually, I do
have to keep you all here

for the entirety of the Q&A in
case there's anything relevant.

And to answer your question,

no, there is no pass
on sexual favors.

Thanks, Stace.

What if I walked in
on someone taking

a nude photograph of
themselves in the workplace?

Would that be grounds
for dismissal?

If they're just taking
a photo of, you know,

an abnormal mole for a
medical professional...

Oh, I doubt it... they're
filthy with freckles,

and they don't do
a thing about it.

What's the policy on
physical violence?

Is it okay for a boss
to slap an employee

across the face at work?
- Absolutely not.

And what is the corporate
policy on extortion?

Is this the kind of workplace

where insider trading
is considered bad?

I just want to clarify
'cause I worked with someone

who said I was naive to
have a problem with it.

And what if someone
tells you their pronouns

when you did not ask
and you do not care?

Well, what if someone
tells you how to dress

for your body shape

when you did not ask
and you do not care?

Can I fire someone for free
bleeding in the workplace?

Okay, you know what?

This is just not sounding
very hypothetical.

So there is a tip line,

and you can report any
workplace misconduct on there.

Yes?

Can I wear a tank
top to the office?

[vocalizing]

Okay, yeah, that's
enough detail.

I don't need to hear any more.

Yeah, so the handlebar
was on his prostate,

male G-spot.

He was totally blissed out.

Okay, I don't think your brother

should be telling you
that kind of stuff.

- Hey.
- You okay?

Not really. Deborah's
being insane.

She sent Rob a pair
of my dirty panties.

- What?
- [laughs]

It's not funny. She's
trying to get me fired.

Okay, well, they're
hiring at "Family Guy."

Kayla, I'm not gonna
work at "Family Guy."

[scoffs] I didn't
say it was an offer.

It's a good show.
- [scoffs]

That guy Brian is hot.

The dog?

- Is he a dog?
- Yeah, Brian is the dog.

I don't... I don't
need a new job.

What I need is a place to live.

Deborah donated all my
clothes to Goodwill.

I had to buy them
back a second time.

I bought them there originally.

Okay, as your new
official co-manager,

I'll find you a place to live.

We... we've never
discussed comanagement.

Yeah, and I'm gonna prove to you

we never needed to discuss
it by doing a good job.

Can you do 6.5 cash right now,

or do you need a
second to liquefy?

I'm gonna rent.

Oof, I didn't know
people still did that.

I'm up for the challenge.

Deborah.

- Hello. Hi.
- Hello, hello.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I was trying to
bond with my kid.

Doctor's orders.

Anyway, this is the
head of publicity.

Cece Heaumeaux.

Spell that.

H-E-A-U-M-E-A-U-X.

Hmm, okay.

Deborah, we're getting
so many incomings.

Everyone is so
excited about you.

And just this morning, we
got an offer for the cover

of "New York Times Magazine."

Ah, that's fantastic.

I always said the Gray Lady
needed a little more blonde.

Ha! All right.

I need a mint.

This woman has
reinvented herself...

Hey, queen. Here
are some jokes.

I thought you might do
that. Here's another set.

[papers thud]

Don't cut your nose
off to spite your face.

I've cut my nose
plenty of times.

It always works out
well for my face.

Please welcome your new host,

the one and only Deborah Vance.

[Bizarre Inc's "I'm
Gonna Get You" playing]

[vocalizing]

♪ Yo, DJ, pump this party ♪

♪ Why waste your time? ♪

♪ You know you're
gonna be mine ♪

♪ You know you're
gonna be mine ♪

- Oh, Michael.
- Deborah, I got to ask...

are you feeling any
pressure to live up

to the legacy of the hosts
that came before you?

No, I prefer to think
of them as opening acts.

[laughter]

How does it feel to be
the first woman at 11:30

on one of the Big Three?
- Thrilling.

I've always wanted to
break the glass time slot.

Deborah, how are you planning

to stand out from
the other hosts?

I plan on making a lot
more money than they do.

[laughter]

So late night has struggled to
appeal to younger audiences.

And now you are the
oldest host in history.

How much extra pressure
are you feeling

to appeal to the under-34 demo?

How much extra
pressure do you feel

to ask better questions?

[crowd murmurs]
- Ooh. Okay.

Kidding, kidding.
You know what?

If they want to get off their
phones and watch, great.

If not, I'm not gonna
lose sleep over it.

Yeah?

So, obviously, you got the
show because you're funny.

Uh, what do you say to people

who say that women aren't funny?

Well, I guess we'll
just have to wait

for someone to say it to me,

and then we'll have a
great, big, fun surprise.

Deborah, are you worried
about the physical toll

that producing and hosting
five new shows a week

will take on your body,
you know, given your age?

Stamina has never
been an issue for me.

Is it for you? [laughter]

Well, as a woman...

No, no, no, let me
stop you right there.

How about you not think
of me as a woman, okay?

I'm not a woman. I'm
a comedian. Got it?

Okay, thank you all so much.

We're incredibly excited,

and I think that's
enough for today.

♪ Yo, DJ, pump this party ♪

[vocalizing]

[music stops,
scattered applause]

Well, what happened out
there was a press conference.

I think we could afford to
be a little more friendly.

Huh, Deb?
- Sure, of course.

We need a simple, clear message

that Deborah can parrot.

We'll figure out a strong angle

for "The Times" cover story,

and then we can
push that narrative.

Great, and we invited key
press to Lipka's party

for you tonight so
you can make nice.

- Okay.
- Oh, Bob's having a party?

Whoa, I had no idea you
were in this conversation.

Yes, you coming?
- No, no, no, she can't.

She's got way too
many responsibilities

as my head writer.

She's too busy lifting me up.

Deborah, we have
that 3:00 p.m. Zoom

with the Orbit gum people.
- Potential sponsor, important.

Yeah, so right this way.

I wrote good material for
her that she just threw away.

Fucking lunatic.

Okay, this energy is
bad, putrid, stinks.

Look, I'm just
throwing it out there.

I could call Steve and see if
he'd be willing to come back.

Maybe you two could work out
a co-head-writer situation.

Absolutely not.

If you bring this up to
me again, you're fired.

Okay, I'm just trying to help,

because you cannot
make a show like this.

It's not gonna work.

Why don't you mind your
own business, Jimmy?

She is not beating
the cunt allegations.

Kayla, I told you,

I don't like that word
if we're not in London.

♪ Don't stop dancin' ♪

♪ Keep on dancin' ♪

♪ You just startin' again ♪

Eva Daniels.

Ava Daniels.

- HR sent us.
- Oh, my God.

Is this about taking the
photo for my security badge?

I'll take the picture.

I just want to be two
days out from a wash.

My hair poofs, goes triangle.

We received an
anonymous complaint

about you being on illegal
substances at work.

[scoffs] What? An
anonymous complaint?

Oh, my God, that bitch.

- Fill the cup.
- No, I just peed.

But, also, I'm not on drugs.

I should have led with
that. I'm not on drugs.

Then you should pass
with flying colors.

Your pick.

Well, I hate water, so...

Ah, ah, before you go,
got to pat you down.

Some people bring in
clean piss to pass.

- Is this really nec...
- Yeah.

[hands patting]

- Hey, John.
- Hey.

[chuckles] It's
good to see you.

[urine trickling]

Anything yet, Ava?
[banging on door]

Oh, fuck, I spilled it.

Oh, that took forever.

Do I have to do it again?

[birds chirping, dog barking]

It's okay, Damien.

The second pair of
Spanx got me there.

No, it's me.

You, uh, forgot about
our lunch today.

[scoffs] Oh, I...

[scoffs] God, I'm
sorry. I'm sorry.

I had a press conference
that did not go well,

and then I had a two-hour
meeting about chewing gum.

[chuckles] Uh, no problem.

I'll have Damien find
another time this week.

Well, you're here
now. What's going on?

It's okay. You... you
clearly have somewhere to be.

And you clearly have
something to say,

so say it.

I don't think this
is the right moment.

Oh, well, now you
definitely have to say it.

What the hell's going on?

So there is a complication
with the network

in regards to your
existing endorsement deals.

They don't want
you to be the face

of any competing product,

which includes literally
anything on QVC.

Oh, God.

[sighs] Well, we'll just
have to figure it out.

I mean, maybe we can do some
kind of carve-out deal...

We don't have to
figure anything out.

I've already figured it out.

Oh, well, great.
What's the plan?

I've arranged for DV Industries

to be sold to QVC.

Excuse me?

We need to move quickly
and pass papers.

You did this without
consulting me?

With you hosting, you can't
merchandise your own name,

but they can.
- [scoffs]

And what are you gonna do?

You're leaving.

Listen, you hosting isn't
just a conflict with QVC.

It also means there's less
of a place for me in the...

You went behind my back.

Whoa. Behind your back?
I did this for you.

And by the way, I made
you a lot of money.

Do you even want to know
how much I sold it for?

I don't care about the
money! It's about loyalty!

Deborah, I have been
loyal to you for 22 years.

You can't even commit
to a damn lunch.

Don't you think I
deserve better than that?

Oh, there it is.

It's about you.

You're just like everyone else.

The minute I get what
I'm fighting for,

it becomes all about what you
need and what's best for you.

I can't enjoy this
for one second

before everyone
starts coming for me!

You don't know what
you're talking about.

How is this happening again?

How is it everyone leaves me
as soon as I get what I want?

Am I in a goddamn time machine?
- Deborah, calm down.

Seriously! Is this a
fucking time machine?

If so, then why do I still
have these goddamn crow's feet?

Okay.

My lawyers will be in
touch to finalize the deal.

[breathing heavily]

[cell phone rings]

Hello.

Hey, where are you?

Oh, you know me... at
the office, working.

Okay, wow, so you're not
gonna be here for a while?

I'm sorry. Be where?

The Boiling Crab?

Your assistant set
a dinner for us

and insisted that
it be shellfish.

We've been sitting
here for 45 minutes.

My assistant.

Yes, right. So sorry.

I will be there ASAP.

Start without me.

Fuck.

It's a real Hollywood story

created by the
brilliant Brad Hall.

It ran from 1995 to 1997.

And that single guy was, of
course, Jonathan Silverman.

- Oh, God.
- Ma'am, no.

You need to get off right now.

I work here. I just need
to get to my car fast.

Get off right now, or I
will call lot security.

No, I just got away from them.

Get down.

It's okay. I work here.

Working here is not the issue.

You need to get off. You
made me miss Wisteria Lane.

Now, everybody, it is
there that Teri Hatcher

made her triumphant return
to network television.

[cell phone ringing]
- Hey, Rob.

Almost there.
- Don't bother, okay?

I've got to change
for Bob's party.

I dropped my tie in the gumbo.

I got to go.
- No, no, no, no, no! Fuck!

Ma'am, there are no phone
calls allowed on the lot tour!

I'm not on the lot tour!

I'm using it as a mode
of transportation.

I don't give a fuck
about the Bates Motel!

How dare you?

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

[indistinct chatter]

It's great to see you
guys. Thanks for coming.

- Yeah, thank you.
- Good to see you.

- You too.
- Bob. Jimmy LuSaque, Jr.

Of course, Jimmy,
I know who you are.

You're the man who
made this all happen.

Well, I mean, I'm one of them.

You're the other one,
plus the women, of course,

because women are where it's at.

Yeah, I remember your
dad used to worry

'cause you only
hung out with girls.

Now, look, you've
made a career of it.

Well, I had a coed friend group.

But, yes, of
course, I had plenty

of platonic female friends,
which I think is healthy.

And now you're a
producer on the show.

Yes, I am.

This is a career-making moment,

so let's make a hit.
- You got it.

- Great to see you, Jimmy.
- You too, Bob.

Yeah, no, I was
absolutely shocked

'cause it just
flopped out. [laughs]

Would you excuse
us for one moment?

Can I steal you?
- I think it was pierced.

What was the one thing I
asked you not to do tonight?

To talk about the Lenny
Kravitz penis video.

I'm sorry, but
they brought it up.

There is no way that
they brought it up.

Oh, I think maybe I did.

Listen, we are in the yard
where it happens, okay?

This is Bob Lipka's house.
The man runs Hollywood.

And you're a manager
now, so do me a favor...

make a good impression and
just try to act normal.

Whatever. The
champagne's hitting.

It's gonna be one
of those nights

where you wake up the
next day and you think,

damn, dog, who'd
I sign last night?

Whoa. Kayla.

- I feel sick.
- Kayla, come on, just...

- I think I'm gonna puke.
- Please don't puke here.

Obviously I signed off,

but Winnie was
really your champion.

And I'm happy to take
orders from women.

I love being a kingmaker...

well, queenmaker, I guess.

No, I like "kingmaker" better.
- Yeah.

People are excited.

Our gay neighbors were
screaming about it,

in a good way.

They're 60, but they're open.

Isn't that interesting?

Anyway, we're thrilled.
- Me too.

Oh. Pardon.

If you two will excuse me,
I'm gonna go powder my nose.

Oh, no, the porta-johns are
for the general population.

Let me show you inside.
- Oh. Okay.

Ah, Marcia, you were
wrong about that Aman.

It was shit.

Yeah, isn't it great?

- Oh, beautiful.
- 1935 it was built.

Paul Williams was the architect.

- Oh, of course. Yes.
- Yeah.

Here, the bathroom's
right in here.

Ah, thank you.

And while I have you...

[door closes]

That night...

never happened.

Yeah, no kidding.

I'm not stupid.

Does anyone know?

No.

Good.

Let's make sure
it stays that way.

Then I should probably
use the porta-potty.

[door opens]

God.

[upbeat jazz music]

[breathing sharply]

Ugh. [exhales sharply]

♪ ♪

[indistinct chatter]

[scoffs]

I mean, this is
quite the staircase.

Absolutely. [laughter]

You're making an entrance

whether you like it or not
with this thing, my God.

- What are you doing here?
- Deborah, there you are, love.

Have you met Nikki...

Lipka, Bob's wife?

- Hi.
- Hello.

Oh, it's just
lovely to meet you.

- Oh, same. I'm such a fan.
- Oh.

[chuckles] I told Bob this is
the best decision he's made

since marrying me. [laughter]

That's hilarious.

But he didn't mention
you two had met.

Oh, I told her you and Bob

bumped into each other
at the golf tournament.

Y-yes, we've met, briefly.

I was just telling Nikki

about how you made
me head writer.

If there's one thing
Deborah and I agree on,

it's giving women exactly
what they deserve.

- Oh.
- Absolutely.

Speaking of which, can
I talk to you for a sec?

This was just a pleasure.

Beautiful... hedges.

Thanks. [chuckles]

- What the hell was that?
- Oh, what?

You can dish it, but
you can't take it?

You know, I know you've
been at this for 50 years,

but guess what.

That means you're tired, and
I'm just getting warmed up.

Go home.

You look like shit, and
you smell like piss.

[indistinct chatter]

Stop trying to get me
fired. It's over. I won.

[scoffs]

You think I'm fucking kidding?

I already have this email
drafted to Meena Elahi,

my friend at "The New Yorker."

You get me fired, I send it.

So say it. Say I won.

You're being ridiculous.

Okay, I'll send it right now.

No! No, no!

Are you... are you crazy?

You seem upset.

You want one more chance?

I unsent it.

You can't unsend an email.

You can't. You
still use Hotmail.

Say that I won, or
I'll send it for real.

Say it.

O-okay, okay, you won.

- What?
- You won!

- What?
- You won, you won!

Hey, girls. Hey,
how are you? Smile.

People are starting to
stare, so smile, God damn it.

[laughs] Laugh, laugh.

[laughter] Oh, Deborah.

Ah, now, both of
you listen to me.

This is how this is gonna go.

You're gonna stay out
of each other's way.

You're gonna keep your
hands to yourself.

You're gonna keep your panties
to yourself, all right?

I will be the intermediary,

even though I said I'd
never do that again

after my parents' divorce
because it almost destroyed me.

[chuckles] But I'm
gonna do it for you.

And the show is gonna
be a big success.

So do me a favor...

stay the fuck away
from each other.

Got it?

- Yes.
- Fine.

Okay, we figured
it out. Tell them.

This is the story we've
been looking for...

what's happening
between you two.

It's all about your
creative collaboration.

That is the story
people will love.

It's perfect. It
hits young and old.

It's female without
being too female.

It'll play.
- I don't know.

You said yourself,
she lifts you up.

- Did I say that?
- Deborah, here's the thing.

You saying "I'm not a
woman" earlier today,

people aren't loving that.

We're getting some pushback

on you refuting your womanhood.

- Oh, Christ.
- But you love women.

You hired one to be
your head writer.

It's the perfect repudiation.

And kudos to Cece,

who already got
"The Times Magazine"

to agree to put you
both on the cover.

Both: What?
- Sexy, come here.

Let's get a shot of Deborah
and Ava, our cover girls.

Smile.

[upbeat music]

That's my good side.
[both laugh nervously]

- That's my good side, too.
- You don't have a good side.

At least I still have collagen.

I'm loving this movement.

Let's try the other lens.

And stay on your marks, please.

Let's switch up the music.

[sighs]

You know, the other night...

you were right.

You won.

And you broke my heart.

You broke mine first.

You know, I...

I hope this show
is very successful

and it goes for...

many, many years.

But the second it's done...

I'll never speak to you again.

Good.

♪ Thought that we
would be good friends ♪

Okay, now I want you
very close together.

♪ As long as we should live ♪

♪ I had some past experience ♪

Cheeks touching.

♪ With people just like you ♪

Yes.

And smile.

♪ I never thought
you were that kind ♪

[camera shutter clicking]
♪ So what was I to do ♪

♪ You were my friend ♪

♪ Yes, you were my friend ♪

♪ You were my friend ♪

♪ How could you let me down? ♪

♪ You were my friend ♪

♪ ♪

♪ How can you stand
and lie to me ♪

♪ And look me in the face? ♪

♪ I wish I knew what
strange disease ♪

♪ Could make you
act that way ♪

♪ All the things
we did together ♪

♪ I've known you for so long ♪

♪ I always did
believe in you ♪

♪ How could I be so wrong? ♪

♪ You were my friend ♪

♪ Yes, you were my friend ♪

♪ Ooh, you were my friend ♪

♪ You were my friend ♪

♪ How could you let me down? ♪

♪ You were my friend ♪

♪ ♪