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(narrator) ln college football, the NCAA recognizes three divisions.

The highest being Division I,

offering full ride scholarship to top athletes

with the promise of a pro career.

Division ll offers some scholarships.

Pro careers are Iess common.

And then

there's Division III.

They play football as well.

WeIcome to ChanneI 57 Sports Talk.

I'm Chet Ryback.

The head coach of the Division I I I PuIIham BIuecocks

dies of a heart attack due to coId water shock

whiIe the team ceIebrated the second and final victory of the season.

Let's see what's in the mix with Denny Dawson.

I'm Denny "D-Dog" Dawson here at PuIIham University during this trying time.

The autopsy has said that he couId've had a heart attack before the water hit him.

So actuaIIy the ice water couId've heIped numb the pain.

Your thoughts on your footbaII coach's death.

We have a footbaII team?

Tragedy, what happened to your coach.

Yeah, I know.

AImost as tragic as how much I pay you to do nothing.

If they don't produce a winning record next season,

it wiII be the end of the footbaII peopIe.

Due to the circumstances and my knowledge and experience as an AII American,

I am Iooking forward to resuming coaching responsibiIities next year.

Didn't you hear? President WhistIer already hired someone.

What?

Yes, the formerIy unhirabIe coach Rick Vice has been tap--

Wait a minute. Is it...Rick--

Is it Rick Vice the guy who raped aII those Pee Wee footbaII pIayers?

[Iaughs]

Oh. Oh, attempted murder?

[chuckIes]

PIease, send an apoIogy Ietter to the Vice famiIy ASAP.

Boy, is my face red. Either way,

he's been tapped to resurrect the BIuecocks,

and boy. I wish him weII.

Are you about ready to wrap up this wet dream

of becoming a Division I I I quarterback?

Do I Iook Iike a quitter?

Look Iike a gerbiI.

♫ There once Was a time ♫

♫ When everyone said Something good about you ♫

♫ Now the time has gone ♫

♫ There once Was a time ♫

♫ When everyone Wanted to be with you ♫

♫ Now the time has gone ♫

Take a knee.

[music continues]

[gasps]

Hey, IittIe mama, what you doing?

I'm coaching over at the coIIege. I'm the head coach.

♫ There once Was a time ♫

♫ When everyone Wanted to be with you ♫

♫ Now the time has gone ♫

You got it.

Hey, where the heII's Mitch?

Mitch had a Iong night.

[snoring]

Dude.

You got practice in Iike five minutes.

Are you stiII drunk? Dude, you gotta be down there.

Come on.

Ah.

Man, you are a sad sight.

I'm practicing.

I'm a backup, dude. I sit on the bench.

Here.

CompIiments of my dad.

You better get down there. The new coach is gonna flip his shit.

No, based on what I heard on this guy, flipping his shit is gonna be his opener.

[bIowing whistIe]

AII right, you IaIIygagging motherfuckers.

If you're five minutes earIy, then you're fifteen minutes Iate.

Twenty Iaps around the track. You got 37 minutes.

[bIows whistIe]

Fuck off!

He's got a gun!

Run!

He's got a gun!

[shoots]

Coach? Check the ass.

Open your Iegs wide. Not you, you've had enough of that.

Open your legs wide.

Oh-Ia-Ia.

Martin Luther King. I'II teII you what.

Everyday's bIack history month.

Come on, AIan, fIex your feet more. Stretch, stretch.

Push Iike you're coming out of me.

Where the heII you been?

Uh...Lucky Horse?

You know that's the training bar, right?

Got a problem with free drinks?

You'II need to checkout the new trainer.

[aII shouting]

Idiot.

Pick up the pace. What is this, some kind of AlDS walkathon?

[grunts]

WeIcome to it.

I'm your new head coach, Rick Vice.

And this quarter ton of fun next to me

He aIso happens to be your nutritionist, which I know is ironicaI.

(Rick) Now, I've been toId by the lady upstairs

that if you queers don't have a winning season this year,

they're gonna yank the plug on your little football program

the way you've been yanking your plugs for the last two, three years.

Why are they gonna yank the pIug?

Shut the fuck up!

You know where we are?

We're in a smaII, private IiberaI arts coIIege.

Huh? They'd rather spend their money

on faggoty arts and crafts and such.

Pottery.

NonetheIess.

For the next couple and a half months or three,

your asses is grasses.

[squeaking]

And you're the Iawn mower.

No, you're the Iawn mower.

No, you're the Iawn--what?

You're the Iawn mower 'cause you're gonna cut them.

Doesn't matter. Fuck it.

l want you to think about two words.

Championship.

You're gonna fuck every team out there.

Hey! Name and position, son.

Uh, Mitch DePrima, quarterback.

WeII, I'm gonna be the judge of that. DePrima.

It's more Iike premie, huh? Like your mother crapped out a IittIe premie baby.

Let him crawI out. You vomit on my fieId?

My freshIy painted pIastic fieId?

Fuck you! Back to me.

I'm from the South. Went from foster famiIy to orphanage.

l was abused sexually and otherwise.

I am a product of pain and suffering.

And l'm very happy to pass the savings on to you.

And you'II be better men for it 'cause Iook at me now.

I ain't afraid of nothing.

Coach.

[shouts] Goddammit.

Don't sneak up on me Iike that. You spooked me.

Spooked?

No. You--you're spooking me. I wouIdn't caII you a spook to your face.

[stutters]

Twenty Iaps. Make it thirty.

That's a dirty 30.

Look, I don't wanna tell you how to run your business here

and I don't wanna step on any toes, but I wouId be remiss in my duties

if I did not inform you that President WhistIer

Oh, no, I'm--I'm not good at pubIic speaking.

ChanneI 57, that's the IocaI cabIe channeI

that's piped into the hospitaIs and stuff. We got this.

Yeah, we got this.

I mean, it's Iimited press,

but apparentIy we need aII the exposure that we can get,

which is the onIy reason that you are here.

Now, if you couId just remember that we are a IiberaI arts coIIege

and Iimit your usage of the "F" word.

Son, footbaII is an "F" word.

No, I understand you--you want me to censorship myseIf.

AII right, you IittIe maggots.

If you don't pick up the fucking [beep] pace,

I'm gonna rip off your IittIe peckers

and shove them up your mother's hot pockets, you IittIe fuck fucks.

[screaching] Fuck!

AII right, Iook, I'm just trying to heIp.

The Ianguage, whatever. But a starter gun, reaIIy.

Oh, this? This is--this is just rubber buIIets, right?

For crowd controI.

[shoots]

They're hard rubber buIIets but Iisten,

these boys ain't made out of crows.

Look, I appreciate you being the-- what is it?

AthIetic director.

Yeah, but if I'm gonna need your athIetic direction,

I won't, 'cause you see this?

It says head coach.

No, it just says coach.

If we have to speciaI order anything, it costs us more money.

For exampIe, Bob's quadrupIe X shirt.

I'm not doing this for my heaIth. Run!

We are on a shoe string budget here.

Yeah, I know about your shoe string budget.

I couId wipe my ass this morning with a napkin I puIIed out of a diner.

It wasn't exactIy infused with aIoe.

My ass is.

This ass is pink. I don't know what coIor your ass is.

[door closes]

Hey.

I don't pay you 1 0 bucks an hour to drink 20 bucks an hour.

Sorry, it was just a rough first day.

The new coach is a nightmare.

Pretty much hates me aIready.

Shocker. You're not that IikabIe.

That's horribIe. You Iike me, right?

You're a decent kid, but Iike most coIIege kids, you're Iazy,

you're spoiIed, aIcohoIics.

Come on, have I ever not shown up to work?

Anybody can show up, but look at this display.

How many times have I asked you to organize this?

You gotta start taking pride in what you do.

Otherwise you're gonna wake up in 20 years and reaIize you got nothing to show for yourseIf.

Is that what happened to you?

[Iaughs]

Bitch, I own a business. I make six figures a year.

You have to work your ass off to end up Iike me.

I got a 401 k account. I got an I RA account.

l put money into the Forex Autopilot.

Do you even know what support save is?

I don't either, but these are cash machines.

I got a time share in Turks & Caicos.

Out back l got a garage, is it a garage? No.

One-bedroom apartment with a jerry-rigged bathroom. I rent it out.

At home, do I've kids? Do l have an ex-wife sucking money out of me?

Zero. I got a goIdfish

and I got a hamster named Mr. Bunny.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Look, if you don't wanna play, don't play.

You don't wanna work here, quit.

But don't haIf-ass it.

Life's not gonna just fIy in and hand you a goIden ticket.

This worId is run by greedy, seIf-serving morons.

HeIIo and good evening.

Thank aII of you for coming out tonight.

My name is Georgia Anne WhistIer.

[whistIes] And I am the proud president

here at PuIIham University.

Many great minds passed through these here waIIs.

JuIia StiIes, as a for instance.

She managed to come here for sometimes a semester or given.

This is aIso the proud home

of the BIuecocks!

(guy) Losers.

WeII, that's a point weII taken and we'II fiIe that

under, what? Okay.

WeII, if anything, this is the point where we aII sit there

and get reaIIy excited about introducing our new coach, Rick Vice.

[rock music]

[squeaking]

Okay. We'II go ahead and fieId some questions.

Denny Dawson.

Coach Vice, Denny "D-Dog" Dawson,

co-anchor investigator Channel 57 news.

You know, I'm Iooking at your history here. You got attempted murder--

Thank you very much for bringing up my very coIorfuI past.

You're a journaIist? I thought you were a weatherman.

Fifteen years ago I did a stint as a weatherman, yes.

(Whistler) That was good weather that year.

You wore a suit with IittIe Iightning boIts on it.

How do you have the authority to ask me anything?

The fact of the matter is, you've never had a winning season, have you?

You have a sketchy past. You are a vioIent man.

No, I am not!

Oh, I got it.

Yes, I have done some funny things in my past, but l've done my time.

You see, I'm-I'm a good man,

and I pIan on taking this team to the top.

We're gonna keep this program alive,

and we are going to ge--

get some.

Get some?

Go every time

so others,

mm, so go every time so others may

every time.

Get some!

(man) Fuck you!

I'm sorry, who said that?

I did.

Everyone shut your asshoIes. I got this one.

I got this one. Sit down.

You think you can take me?

No. I know I can.

[chuckIes]

Then why don't you step up into the gauntIet, bitchnuts?

I couId use something to wipe my ass.

(guy whispers) Don't do it.

You know, this man here and I , we have somethin' in common.

Oh, yeah? What was that?

We were both inside your mother.

[grunts]

Oh, did you see that? He threw the first--

[piano sounds]

Done yet Liberace?

[groans]

Don't get up, Bobby. l got this one.

Better give up, oId man.

Oh, that's funny. You know who eIse said that to me?

Yeah, who?

Your mother!

[rock music]

Like a dangerous rubber band, isn't he?

(Rick) Were you not entertained?

This is exactIy the kind of thing that is gonna get us some pubIicity.

We got the crazy coach, right?

Then of course there's the young

suItry femaIe president of the university. It gives me chiIIs.

How was this guy staging a fight at a press conference

gonna benefit the footbaII program?

You raise eyebrows, you raise admissions.

I'm thinking of getting a tattoo right there on the smaII of my back.

Do you know that this guy attempted to murder an entire Pee Wee football team?

He has no business coaching.

[blowing whistle]

You hold out of here. Keep your hand down.

On top of your head is the hardest part of your body!

Thanks, coach.

Dude, that's gonna break your neck.

No, l'm gonna break your neck.

Dammit, my Ieg!

Come on now, no sex on the fieId, girIs.

Ten.

Yeah, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice passes.

You can't just be a penis with an arm. You gotta move fast.

We're gonna be running the options, so you gotta be quick on your feet.

Look at me. I got a gimpy Ieg and I'm moving faster than you.

Like a hive of Mexicans swarming around a work truck in front of a Home Depot.

You want drywaII? You want me to paint?

Hut.

Fuck! You bent my shades. Bitch!

Let me tell you somethin'. l don't play favorites. l don't care what color you are,

what country your parents swam out of.

I don't care what AIi Baba you go down on.

l don't care if you like slits or dicks!

Because the best pIayer, pIays. Period.

No, strike that. ExcIamation point.

Run it again.

Guys, our tabIe's ready. Come when you're ready.

Excuse me, excuse me. Coming through.

Thank you, thank you.

Hey.

What's going on?

I think I sprained my ankIe.

Man, I never thought a team wouId be this beat up before the season starts.

You find anything down there you Iet me know, okay?

I didn't see anything.

Right, thanks.

I'm, uh, I'm Mitch.

Jennifer.

That hurts.

You're a transfer or?

No, I'm not a student. I just work here.

I'm hoping to get into the Med program--

College football, baby. Shock the nation.

Shock the nation? Nobody knows who we are.

What's his story?

Joe Jansen? Captain six, seven years.

Gets hit in the head a Iot. Great guy.

Hey. You got any Vicodin?

No, I don't have Vicodin.

Percocet.

Percodan?

Xanax? Oxycotin?

No. You know what? I have some MidoI on my purse.

Give it to me.

That's pussy piIIs. My sister takes that when she's on the rag.

Dude, my head's on the rag. Give me six.

Here are two.

Give me one.

That's cute. You guys are on the same cycIe?

Ow.

Whoa, whoa. Take it easy on bitch.

I mean Mitch. You're gonna need that arm for the scout team.

Oh!

I'm gIad you're here, brother.

I don't want to spend my Iast season dependent on cry heart over here.

Just out of curiosity, how many Iast seasons have you had?

LegaIIy I can pIay eight.

I don't beIieve we've met.

I'm TyIer Keys. Starting quarterback.

You need something?

Your number?

But you can give that to me Iater.

l'll see you out on the field or off the field.

'Cause you don't pIay.

Oh, I got that.

Shock the nation.

Nation?

Nation.

That is the reason I wiII never date a footbaII pIayer.

Good for me. I don't pIay.

Right. Sorry.

Don't be. Division I I I , it's Iike one step up from Nerf.

So, honestIy, if you don't care, why do you do it?

Why put yourseIf through this? You some kind of masochist or something?

Like how?

Oh, you're in big troubIe now.

[Iaughing]

[blowing whistle]

Here it comes.

Got one. We're kebab now.

WeIcome to the faII.

You IittIe maggots. Come on.

Run, you IittIe corn bat. Run.

I got you.

Get some. Get some.

[Iaughing]

Who's next?

I'm fixing to make me a faggot shish kebab.

You IittIe quarterback.

After the mohawk kid.

I didn't say stop.

Coach. You are breaking NCAA regulations.

These boys shouId've been hydrated and off this fieId hours ago.

You got a probIem, write me a Ietter.

So I have something to wipe my ass with.

Coach Vice don't care much about hydration. I'II teII you why.

When he was a boy back at the orphanage,

the nuns accidentally seaIed him inside a wall cavity,

crawI space type situation,

during renovation. To survive, he drank his own piss

for a week-and-a-haIf. He's trying to get me to work that

into the whoIe nutritional program,

which I have mixed feeIings about.

You and I both know that l can't report this to the board

'cause they will just shut this program down.

But if I cannot rein that psychopath in, these boys wiII impIode.

And for the record, my boys wiII not be drinking their own piss.

I don't care what you two do.

I did say I had mixed feeIings about it.

How is Roy Goodwyn not coaching?

You know he was AII American?

I don't know but my body's pissed.

What the heII is he doing here?

Keep your head on a swiveI, boy. Got ya!

Hey. Why don't you hang back, preemie? I want to taIk at you.

Okay.

What's wrong with them?

Does my tan Iine make them uncomfortabIe?

It's what's between the Iines.

You ever hear the Iate great coach Boo VenaIs?

No.

He'd shower with us.

He used to say, "It's my soap, it's my meat.

I wash it as fast as I want."

Get it? It's a masturbation joke.

It's funny.

Poor VenaIs. I'm going with TyIer.

Starting quarterback.

Yeah, I figured.

You okay with that?

Do you care?

No. But I'II teII you what. You're number two, so you'd better be ready.

'Cause I'm gonna be watching you reaI cIose Iike.

You're gonna be Iike a hobo on a freight train.

I'm gonna ride you day and night.

WouIdn't that make you the hobo?

What do you mean?

Hobos ride trains.

Yeah, okay, but no, no.

I'm the freight train and you're the hobo. That's how I see it.

I couId be the tracks.

Why don't you Ieave the imagery to me?

Whipping out your EmiIy Dickinson here.

We're done.

Good practice out there, boys. Way to go beyond the pain.

[snorting]

Ah, shit.

Hang on.

[snorting]

Chihuahua.

How can I heIp you?

You're fired.

This is 1 00% pure whey protein. You understand?

HighIy absorbabIe through the nasaI cavities.

I burned out the Iining in my Iarge intestines.

So, this is protein?

That's right, sir. 20 grams, 3 1 /2 times a day.

What can l do you for, Mr. Man Who Comes ln Without Knocking?

I'm not sure if you're aware, but

over half of our team is either on reserve or they've quit.

And we haven't even pIayed one game, yet.

It's caIIed trimming the fat, Roy,

cIearing the riffraff. Ironman styIe footbaII. Ain't that right, Bobby?

Shit, yeah.

Did you get me extra napkins there, boy?

Sure did.

Good man. Thank you.

Give me a high five there. Ow!

Look, BIuecocks have been around since 1 875.

Ooh, I Iove the '70s.

Smoking grass, beII bottoms, daisy chain

1 875.

Look, we may not be as high profile as the Division I teams,

but we pIay the same game.

Only these boys aren't here on scholarships

or trying to get in the NFL or on TV.

They're here for the love of the game, so please

just remember that.

(Rick) All right, ladies, let's bring it in.

Meet me down in the southeast corner.

Come on.

Righty.

Now, l probably don't need to be telling you this, but football

is like a good old fashion pot of American gumbo.

All kinds of spicy ingredients mixed together

aII in the name of fIavor.

You know what I'm tasting, Bobby?

Okra?

No. No, I taste victory.

And I Iook around and l think we got a spicy team.

BIacks and whites.

BIacks and Mexicans.

Oh, heII, there's a Iot of bIacks.

We even got a 9/1 1 IsIam.

Now, son, I ain't holding it against you

but what you did to our country was fucked up.

I'm French-Irish.

Zip it, cameI fucker.

Fuck you.

I don't usuaIIy do this, but

Bobby, can you-can you Iead us in a non-denominationaI prayer?

Everybody bow your head.

I ain't much for one speeching on the Lord, but...I wiII say this.

[shouts] Jesus Ioves footbaII.

He had a whole team himself. The disciples played football against them Roman soldiers.

And they did. But I'II teII you somethin' eIse.

There's been a whoIe heII of a lot of talk about this here

Darwinism,

"eviIution" I caII it.

I don't know about you, but my Jesus,

he didn't sIay those PhiIistines

with the jawbone of a brontosaurus rex.

And Moses,

when he crossed that Dead Sea,

he didn't do it on the wings of a pterodactyI.

lt was the Holy Land. It weren't Jurassic Park. This is buIIshit.

Bobby, okay. Now, thank you.

Amen, amen, everybody. Amen.

Let's bring it in.

I'II drop some wisdom on you.

Now, Iisten up.

There's a Iot of peopIe out there in the stands.

So, I'm gonna need you aII to keep your heads together.

We're gonna remain caIm.

We're gonna remain cooI.

And we're gonna remain coIIected.

Run, kick. Hit somebody.

Are you tackIing me?

I don't have a footbaII in my hand.

Are you tackling me?

AsshoIe! l'll tackle you!

Strike it down.

PuII your fan and quit.

I've not been down to the fieId before.

I didn't reaIize there was no dome.

You had any raisins?

Raisins?

How about a date?

Oh, my God.

Hey, hey, hey, excuse me, little lady.

Quit staring at her ta-tas and Iock it in.

I'm not going back in for eight seconds of garbage time

after this shit show.

TeII Mitch to take a knee.

Mitch, strap it on.

Yeah, Mitch, strap it on. It's your big moment.

You get the fuck outta here permanentIy.

Your mom's permanentIy.

What?

Fuck this.

Whoo-hoo. Go Cocks!

Can you put me down, pIease?

Here's what you're gonna call. Explode the open left.

Lester 58. Laser-breaker. Veer-option right.

Don't shit the bed.

Hey, guys.

Uh, okay, give me a trip right, fIip C-razor.

Uh, breaker. 22C options.

What's he saying?

Give me a post.

What the fuck are you doing out there, a IittIe sewing circIe?

Ready?

[blowing whistle]

Seventy-seven.

Give me some room bitches. Okay?

Don't wanna hurt, baby.

Ninety.

What the fuck is he running?

[people cheering]

[cheering]

That's a point.

Piss the can, niggers.

You guys see that pass?

We just Iost, dumbass.

You guys saw it, right?

Yes.

So?

Yeah, I guess everybody saw your pass.

You saw my pass?

Sweet pass.

It was a nice pass. It was right in--

You!

I caIIed a run pIay.

ExpIode to the open Ieft. Switch C-short. Lester--

Chester.

No, I wrote--

[indistinct arguing]

It's not three fIies up, you dumb idiot.

Now, do you understand the pIay

and you're just being an insubordinate prick?

Or do you not understand the pIay 'cause you're a fucking retard?

Uh--

[mumbIes]

You can't talk now? You-you're mute?

You're a IittIe, IittIe mute girI.

We got that oId IittIe bIind, deaf, mute girI.

OId YeIIer. What's her name?

KeIIy YeIIer.

OId HeIen YeIIer.

[Iaughing]

Don't you guys mean HeIen KeIIer?

No! We mean oId HeIen YeIIer.

I'm pretty sure it's--

Dude, puII the fucking trigger. PuII it.

Pull the trigger, boy. Pull the fucking trigger. Give me one reason.

I want in, I want out. I want out permanentIy. Give it to me.

Get some. Do it. Get some.

I knew you didn't have the nuts.

You think you are the big swinging dick around here?

You got Iucky. Lucky!

Go soak in. Go, have your fun.

This is back to the bench for you, boy.

Hey.

I didn't say it was a bad pass.

Put the knife away, Bobby.

You did good, coach.

ReaI good.

[blowing whistle]

What the heII is that?

(Rick on megaphone) Wake up now, motherfuckers.

The past go beyond the pain.

Wake up now.

The pain and then go beyond.

Not worth it.

Dude, you are such a IittIe bitch.

You have no idea how Iucky you are.

Dude, come to one practice and teII me that.

This is Division I I I . He's treating it Iike D-1 Navy SeaIs.

The guy is a psycho.

l think he might be clinically insane, like clinically.

Do you reaIIy have a probIem with him making you exercise?

l'm five-foot nothing.

My coach just turned me into a fIier. Do you know what that is?

That's the little girl that gets thrown around like a rag doll.

I'm trying to sIeep.

The next time you're in practice, Iook over to the sideIine

and you'II catch me fIying around in the air with my skirt up and my pussy hanging.

l don't get it. l would trade my pom-poms for your helmet any day.

Remember in high schooI?

You were the starting quarterback.

Captain of the team. Loving the game.

Loving the life. Where is that guy?

I miss him. He was fun.

You know what l remember?

Practice, lunch meetings,

the taste of mud. And as much as I wanted it,

never having that Iast minute drive to win the game.

That guy's gone, man. He burned out.

You can't transfer schooIs in the middIe of the semester.

Spence had them back-date my registration.

Quarterback tore his ACL, so Iooks Iike my Iast season is gonna suck Iess than yours.

Say bye to Vice for me.

Why don't you say bye to Vice yourseIf?

Bye.

Check this out.

Hey, l know you from somewhere.

Gorden Spence, head coach of the Cougars.

RivaIs.

RivaIry usuaIIy means there's competition.

Cougars have been eating Cocks for breakfast since the earIy '90s.

And with this cartoon coach,

you shouId consider it a win if you score two points against us.

Pipe down.

Ain't you out of your jurisdiction?

I've done my homework on this guy.

He's the worst kind of coach.

A controI freak with no cIue.

Takes the first team pocket passer

and runs the option with him.

He's gonna drive this program into the ground.

Listen out, mister-mister funny maroon shirt--

How many Iosses have you got?

'Cause I got one coIIege Ioss on my record.

It's 'cause you never coached a coIIege, idiot.

Okay.

You IittIe

shrunk nutted maggoty fuck stick.

AII right, don't make a scene.

Oh. Haven't you heard the news?

Scene Maker is my middIe name.

I thought it was NeIson.

Shut the fuck up.

And you know what I think we need up in this bitch right about now?

A good oId-fashioned

food fight!

Food fight.

food fight?

Food fight. What, y'aII never fought food before?

Bobby, Iet's get the fuck out of here.

CongratuIations. Looks Iike you'II be throwing me the baII again.

[knocking on door]

(Mitch) Coach?

Hang on.

Eighteen, nineteen, twenty.

Twenty-one. Jackpot!

What's going on?

Were you sIeeping?

No, I was working out.

You just got something here.

Oh. Yeah, that's-that's my cape. I wear a cape when I work out.

I do what's caIIed superhero push-ups.

Look, I just wanted to apoIogize about Saturday.

I don't need your apoIogy.

I have some ideas about--

I don't certainIy don't need your ideas.

I've been meaning to taIk to you. You know how on every team

there's a pIayer or two that has naturaI abiIity?

Yeah, yeah.

That ain't you.

You're gonna have to work extra hard

just to be beIow mediocre.

I did throw a touchdown.

Yeah, against a scrub defense,

and you were stiII a dick hair away from getting picked.

More than not, that kind of gun sIinging buIIshit is gonna cost turnovers.

And we need someone steady.

Coach, I-I just wanna pIay.

I'm trying to Iearn a new system here.

It just doesn't heIp when you're griIIing me aII the time.

If I didn't give a shit, I wouIdn't waste my breath griIIing you.

It's when I get quiet that you shouId start to worry.

I'm the best quarterback you got.

That's shit. Here's what you are.

You're a bobbIehead quarterback.

Look at me.

I'm a quarterback and I don't wanna do any of the work.

And that, my friend, is how you get repIaced by a Mexican.

So you're going with Hernandez.

Yeah.

So Iooks Iike it's gonna be taco Tuesdays

every day.

I ain't here to win friends.

I'm here to win games.

Get to your sewing class.

[shouting]

[blowing whistle]

Ah!

Get it.

Set. Hut.

Son of a bitch! What was the coverage on that Iast pIay?

[Iaughs]

Your attitude sucked, boy.

You better get it together.

You son of a bitch.

Beavers.

Get over here.

Come here.

That is exactIy what this program needs.

Get it, get it, get it.

Ooh, beyond the pain.

Son of a bitch.

[grunts]

CIipboard.

We're out.

Get some.

I wouId not wanna be you right now, I'II teII you that.

AII right.

We are O and four.

I ain't no math magician.

But that does not Iook Iike a winning equation.

It Iooks Iike a Iosing equation, and that's you, the Ioser.

Your zero equaIs you.

There you are.

Oh, there's your heImet.

Skinny IittIe [indistinct]

You're hoIding a box of girI scout cookies there.

All minted chocolaty, faggoty wafer.

You're just walking around. Those are supposed to be your feet, not your nuts.

'Cause you ain't got nuts!

'Cause l look out on that field

and I don't know if l'm watching a ball game

or a goddamn baIIet recitaI,

pirouetting around like goddamn fairies.

Ah, what the heII. Y'aII are gonna be up to your poop shoots

in blood and guts soon enough anyways.

I don't know why the fuck I came.

But if you want to maintain any sort of dignity,

you're gonna have to pull your motherfucking heads

out of your mother's motherfucking cunts.

And

get

some. AII right? And remember what that stands for.

Go, uh,

ShouId be support our troops.

Meet, Iike a track meet, not the kinda meat y'aII are sucking on.

Yeah, "emmidiateIy."

Oh, is that funny to you?

You know, that's it. I don't have any more time for y'all.

Oh, there's one more thing.

(Bobby) All right, that's about it for tonight.

Let's go hit them showers.

Are you pIaying, son?

Shock the nation.

Hey, what are you up to?

Uh, just working on my six pack.

I'm trying to beef up so that the Cougar takes me off of fIying duties.

Hey, if I fIex, wiII I Iook more cut?

Oh, yeah, yeah. It Iooks nice.

Who are you taIking to?

Oh, my trainer.

Wanna watch a Saints game? Take a shot every time they mention Katrina?

Oh, no. Last time I did that, I bIacked out.

Oh, sweet.

I'II caII you back.

AII right. Later.

What's up?

What are you doing?

We're gonna get something to eat.

We--you and those guys?

Hey, two girIs. It's two girIs together.

Yeah. We're on the same team.

I don't expect you to understand that.

What's that supposed to mean?

I've seen you on a sideIine.

We have a bad pIay, you're pissed.

We have a good play and you're pissed.

What side are you on?

What si-I'm on the sideIine. I'm not doing--

Stop complaining! l'm not catching any passes.

BIocking is not gonna get me to the next IeveI.

You don't see me on a sideIine going aII TO.

I'm not going TO. I'm not signing babies--

You're whining more than Mike Vick's puppies.

I'm not whining-

[whining]

I don't wanna be the one to tell you that you only think about yourself.

I'm not even gonna teII you that you're acting Iike a bitch right now

'cause I don't even cuss .

You just did.

Boo VenaIs, pIease.

Booby, it's Rick.

Who?

Rick Vice. Coach Vice.

Oh, you're coaching again?

Yeah. Listen, uh, about that, I need--

I need a IittIe mentoring.

Mentor? Shit, I couIdn't mentor you. You stop pissing the bed, boy.

Oh, are we gonna--

Oh, this is coming from a man that's got a "coIostopy" tube

shoved up his Jimmy Wang?

Sir? Can l please have my phone back now?

Can you give me a minute, young Iady?

Listen, if I don't turn this program around--

I'm doing everything, you know, that you did with us and it ain't working.

You--you cut off the water?

Yeah, I don't give them a drop.

What about bait and switch?

Yeah.

Physical abuse?

Some coaches got it, and others don't.

You're aII about the reins, about the horse.

You can pull but the horse gotta waIk on its own.

I don't understand. Am I the horse or am I the reins?

Son, you're the jackass and you're gonna burn that program to the ground.

Good evening. I'm standing outside of what used to be

the University of PuIIham's equipment room

with newIy appointed Head Coach, Rick Vice.

I am the Head Coach.

Yes. And President Georgia Anne WhistIer. Coach, what happened here?

There was a fire.

Yes, and how did the fire start, sir?

(Rick) Bobby?

Must've been our rivaIs.

The Cougars? What was in the equipment room, sir?

Equipment.

Yes. And how do you-- So, a Iot of equipment.

SmaII animaIs. They found bones of baby animaIs.

You kept baby animals in the equipment room?

That was a mascot. Blue cock. Very rare bird.

The question remains. How are you gonna fuIfiII the rest of the season

with no equipment?

Coach Vice, whatever you need, you have my full support.

So Pullham will replace the equipment?

AbsoIuteIy. I've got the equipment to prove it.

Good evening. I'm Denny Dawson.

You're starting again?

No.

You said good evening.

Let's start again. That's my job.

They're kiIIing our babies.

I know that. Can you guys-- I'm Denny Dawson.

Good night. We're off now.

Seriously though, we just can't afford to replace that equipment.

What about insurance?

DeductibIes and premiums and the Iike.

But you said anything we need you wouId provide.

WeII, you know, you gotta razzIe-dazzIe them.

[Iaughs]

Bobby.

How is the equipment coming?

We're talking about over $30,000 worth of equipment for just five more games?

We might as well just call it quits whiIe we're stiII behind.

-So that's it? We just pack it up? - What do you care?

You show up drunk if you show up at all.

Your attitude sucked, boy. You better get it together.

Don't, haIf-ass.

We need something steady!

You're gonna need that arm for the scout team.

Oh, KeIIen YeIIer.

You have no idea how lucky you are.

Dude, stop stealing my laundry quarters.

Is it a good book?

Sure.

Have you read it?

No. Have this back by Wednesday.

What?

Nothing.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

What am I doing in the Iibrary?

Or did you mean that as an existentiaI question?

I don't--I don't know what existentiaI means.

And yet you to get to pIay student and I don't.

Wow. You wanna talk about it?

I don't wanna bore you with my probIems.

lt's just l've been playing for 1 2 years, you know.

I was recruited by a much bigger schooI.

I was Ied to beIieve if I came here, I'd pIay.

Big fish, small pond, huh?

Big fish stiII gotta swim.

Besides, I didn't think you cared this much about playing

or anything reaIIy.

I guess pretending to not care is easier than accepting that you're not good enough.

FootbaII's what I'm supposed to be good at.

I just don't want it to end Iike this, you know.

Yeah. Sounds Iike you reaIIy have it rough.

Look, if it's not working out for you, you have to change it up.

Otherwise you're Iike a fIy trying to get out a window.

Insane?

Annoying.

Like you have to work for the good stuff.

That's what makes it good.

Even if it Iasts for just a moment.

You know I was taIking about footbaII, right?

Dance of Shiva. Oh, there it is. Good.

l am always three feet from this door wherever I am in the traiIer.

I toId you you don't have to knock so--

Wha--how can I heIp you?

We need to taIk.

You know, it's not so bad in there.

That's a 55 Airstream. Vintage.

Thing's worth Iike 1 0 or 20 grand if you buff it out.

No, it's not.

If you buff it out, yeah, it is.

Anyways, it's just a temporary living situation

tiII I get back on my feet. That's aII. You don't have to worry about me.

You ever heard of a coach named Boo VenaIs?

He was the guy who put a kid on a coma from over exertion, right?

Yeah, he put a kid in a coma, but he aIso made that kid tough enough

to puII himseIf out of that coma.

Where're you going with this?

He raised me. Him and CrystaI.

My fifth foster famiIy.

Boobs. I wouId see him year after year take a group of misfits,

and they wouId band together in their hatred against him.

Yeah, but peopIe remember him as being a terribIe coach and--

They remember him. I wanna be remembered.

I don't know about you, but I'd Iike to be remembered.

It doesn't matter how you are remembered.

I'm remembered.

Ricky. Ricky. Did you pick up the garbage?

No, you didn't. This is not a free ride!

Yeah, it's basicaIIy free. I Iive in a traiIer, CrystaI, but thank you.

And what about your fat friend?

He ate up aII of my ginger snaps.

And you know my ruIe about bringing--Oh my.

You're a handsome bIack feIIow, aren't you?

Do you take vitamins? Maybe l should let you try one of my...

herbaI suppIements some day.

For the wieners.

I'm-I'm fine.

That'II be enough. CrystaI, pIease, I'm in the middIe of a meeting.

Oh, weII, I have some business to do with your friend.

I bet you have a big bIack wiener, don't you?

Thank you.

I'm-I'm-you know, she's not quite right.

Maybe we shouId do this at another time.

Do what? No, you wanna do this, Iet's do it right now.

DePrima is famiIy friends with an aIum

who can give us equipment to finish the rest of the season.

But I wiII be adding myseIf to the coaching staff.

I was an AII American.

I can heIp the defense.

I knew you'd puII that out of your bIack pocket.

Uh, back pocket?

That, too.

AII right. Look, Big John is a PuIIham aIumni.

It's usefuI.

He's made a coupIe donations to the athIetic department. You okay?

I'm fine.

This is a whoIe other deaI.

Damn smaII car.

[overIapped taIking]

Roy! Goddamn good to see you.

This must be the iIIustrious Coach Vice.

We can wait tiII you're off the phone.

I'm off the phone. This thing just Iocks up on me sometimes.

Oh, damn. I'm Big John Schwartz.

How are you doing?

Schwartz the name and "Shports" is the game.

Oh, yeah, I get it 'cause you own a "shports shtore."

"Shports." Yeah. This is my wife, Junebug.

She's taking care of some business down there. Just kidding.

You're staring at my wife's tits?

No, sir.

Why not? That's what I got them for.

We clear? Go ahead. Grab one.

Oh, no.

They're right here. Come on. "ShpectacuIar."

Honey, go get these fellas some of those snackadoodles.

Roy teIIs me you're an aIumni.

Cock for Iife. CIass of 1 984

back when conference titIes and undefeated seasons were the norm.

Right. We're working on that.

Rick and I just came here to check on the equipment situation.

That situation is dependent upon your situation with my situation.

Oh, I'm sure we can work with your situation.

I wasn't aware that you had a situation. What's his situation?

My son being on your team.

We couId use a IittIe size.

AII right. He's just Iike his oId man.

Now, if he's out of Iine, go ahead and feeI free to kick his ass.

Go ahead and grab one.

Food.

Oh, they're stiII frozen.

Honey, you gotta heat them up.

Oh, no, they're precooked.

That's not what that means.

Thank you for your generosity.

Takes a coupIe of minutes.

I'II caII you Iater. Thanks again.

We Iook forward to that equipment "shports" with the shorts.

"Shports" is the game.

Bobby? Bobby, get in the car.

[mixed voices]

(Rick) High heels there, ladies. Goddamn high heels.

If that foot goes to sweIIing up, I want you to put some ice on it.

[Iaughing]

What do we have here?

Son, this is a footbaII Iocker room

for footbaII pIayers.

I know, sir. I'm on the team.

You're on the team? Son, l shit bigger than you.

I'm sure you do.

What the heII's your name anyway? Got no hobbits on my roster.

AIIen Schwartz.

AIIen Schwartz. AIIen-AIIen Schwartz? As in Schwartz Sports?

Son, it's good to have you aboard. Short peopIe are cooI.

I Iove short peopIe. I Iove them to death.

Those IittIe midgets in the circus are cooI.

And the wrestIers and they're athIetes.

And Doug Flutie. He was a IittIe oId bitty popcorn farty.

He was a reaI good footbaII pIayer.

AdoIf HitIer. Lot of peopIe don't know this.

He was a short dude. Look at the accompIishments he made. So, suit up there.

Short Sports. AII right, my friend.

I don't care. No, no time out.

CaII the time out.

Hernandez can do this. He's a IittIe jumping bean.

He's been running [indistinct]

Go!

Hut.

I got you. I got you.

[cheering]

[blowing whistle]

Here he is.

Jansen. LittIe Jansen.

Go.

You can get it back. Get it back!

Guess the secret ain't in the bean.

Fuck you, coach.

What?

Coach, coach, coach, he's throwing the hitch. Yeah, l know that signal.

Travis! Travis!

No. What the hell?

Hut.

[cheering]

Seventy-two. One, seventy-two.

[cheering]

Hut.

[cheering]

You shut up.

[cheering]

Good game.

Run, Forrest! Run!

[groans]

[cheering]

[players cheering]

Shock the nation. Shock the nation!

I toId you Goodwyn knows his shit.

[aII cheer]

Everybody, I can't pass.

[Iaughter]

Get some. Grab everyone's titties.

[laughter]

That was a heII of a game.

Yeah.

We won.

Roy won.

We won.

No, Iisten. They're aII praising him

Iike he's that gigaboo Jesus, and I'm the one that toughened them up.

[stammers]

It's not fair. It's just not fair. I don't wanna taIk about it.

The defense's been winning for us.

But if this is about ego.

It's not about ego. It's about the fact that I did it.

I'm the head coach.

I just feeI under appreciated, that's aII.

That's aII. I-I'm fine.

You ain't doing nothing different. It's the same oId story.

You push peopIe away before you get to know if they Iike you or not.

That's what oId Sigmund Freud caIIed a defensive mechanism.

And for you, the best offense

is a good defensive mechanism.

Freud.

Are you saying because I'm offensive?

I don't get it.

But I've heard of Sigmund Freud.

Because he's the one that fucked his mother.

That's how I know about him.

You're gonna be fine. The doctor says it's not a disease.

It's just a syndrome.

AI DS is a syndrome, you fucking dumbass. The "S" stands for it.

[loud music]

(aII) Go, go, go, go.

[aII cheering]

What the fuck?

Hey.

I'm Mitch. I Iike your mouth.

[cheering]

[shouting and Iaughing]

Hey. Douche.

Hey. What's going on?

I didn't think I'd see you around here.

Oh, yeah, I'm babysitting a friend of the famiIy.

She's a prospective student, so I thought I'd try to show her a good time.

Oh. Thanks.

Um, Mitch, this is CarI.

Hey.

I'm sorry, do you mind if I taIk to her for a second?

No.

Why don't you ask the Iady?

It's a nice watch.

Maybe when you grow up, you can have one.

You know what, CarI? It's okay. We're just gonna taIk.

So, your sport coat?

Excuse me?

I just thought we had something, you know.

Uh, yeah, apparentIy. We're friends.

So, you're just waIking around with CarI.

No, I don't give a shit about CarI.

Oh, sorry, I just mean, you know,

I'm not Iooking for a boyfriend or anything Iike that.

Hey, I'm not, either.

Get it?

[Iaughs] That's good.

Look, we just work together. Who is your friend?

We-she's, uh, we work together, too.

ReaIIy, where?

What's her name?

Uh, Sarah.

Jessica.

Parker!

It's, uh--

Look, it's a frat party. PeopIe make out at frat parties.

What do you care about student affairs anyway? You're not a student.

Oh, right, 'cause I don't have a hundred grand

to spend on my coIIege education, right?

I hope that's okay with you.

I didn't mean-- Oh, Je--AIan.

Alan?

[hip-hop music]

Dude!

Dude, I'm so wasted.

Wait, Stacey!

I'm sorry, he's a Iightweight.

Did someone teII him that she's only 1 6?

I don't think he needs encouragement. Look, l'm sorry about--

There's your mouth.

That's the worst timing ever.

Can we get out of here?

What about Stacey?

I think she can take care of herseIf. Sorry to crash your party.

I have a Range Rover.

Don't Ieave with sport coat.

Isn't that TyIer?

Hey!

Ooh.

Hey.

What's your probIem, man?

You hear something sounding like a mosquito shitting himself?

Rivalry things are so stupid. What are you doing?

Take a seat, Mitch. It's what you're best at.

We don't want any troubIe.

Hey. Why don't you steroid fags get outta here

before I stomp your guts out?

[laughter]

What the fuck?

SettIe down, peanut. He's on your side.

Whoa, whoa, take it easy.

It's exactIy what they want.

Funny. You act Iike one of those "turn the other cheek" queers,

but we aII know you're just chicken shit.

I can't wait to get you out on that fieId and fuck your ass.

Hey, Mitch, you know why they're called the Cougars?

Because the name diIdo Ioving pussy ass--

Hey, hey! Pick on somebody your own size, huh?

Like you?

No. Like me.

Excuse me.

Stand down, oId man.

[cIears throat]

I'II teII you what, sonny.

Why don't you go ahead and try and kick this old man's ass?

Jesus, Vice, I'm gonna fuck you up.

PuII the trigger.

You heard me. PuII the trigger.

PuII the trigger.

Pull the fucking trigger. Pull it. Pull the trigger.

PuII the trigger, moron. Go ahead.

I have two-and-a-haIf strikes against me.

Somebody pull the fucking trigger.

[Vice screeches]

[all shouting]

Get some.

HoId on a minute.

You wouIdn't hurt an oId man with a gimpy Ieg, wouId you?

[loud music]

AII right, party's over.

I'm gonna use this.

AII right, you motherfuckers, if you don't stop,

I wiII bIow your fucking brains out,

you rich, sociaIist commie IiberaIs.

[aII shouting]

Get the fuck outta here.

Uh, I got into a bit of a scuffIe Iast night,

so if you couId focus your heaIing energies

right on my gIutinous ass I wouId--

[cIears throat]

Oh. HeIIo, Roy.

How Iong have you been sitting there eye-fucking me?

Why do you aIways do this to yourseIf?

Do what? Get a massage?

No.

Oh, you're taIking about Iast night.

Last night? I'm taIking about your whoIe Iife.

Do you think I fuck up on purpose?

Do you think I wake up every morning and say,

hey, how can I fuck up today?

I don't think you understand me. I care about footbaII.

And I care about these kids.

Oh, Iike that Pee Wee team you aImost kiIIed.

Hang on a minute. I did not try to kiII those kids.

That was a misunderstanding. I thought GH B was a recovery drink.

Like amino acids for your healthiness.

Hey, you guys. Come.

[bIows whistIe]

Right. There you go. Grab a cup everybody.

Drink yourseIf. Hydration.

Pee Wee, what-- Come on, get up.

What's going on here, you bunch of Iazy sons of a--Get up.

HoIy Jesus, come on.

Joey. Joey. [bIows whistIe]

Joey, pIease, get up for me.

PIease!

That was years ago.

Just keep on meditating.

And none of those kids died.

It was an honest man's mistake, and as much as it haunts me,

that incident is gonna work to my advantage

'cause now I'm the crazy nutso. Get it?

Georgia Anne hired me because I'm a spectacIe.

I'm a head turner. WeII, if it's a song and dance they're Iooking for,

then it's a song and dance that they're gonna get.

ObviousIy you don't care about your career, but I do care about mine.

So, for this Iast game,

ChanneI 57 is coming and there's gonna be a Iot of pubIicity.

If you couId just contain yourseIf.

Yes, I wiII do my best to-to be on my best behavior. Nice taIking to you, Roy.

This is not his personaI brotheI. WouId you pIease put on some cIothing?

Preemie.

Preemie!

Lost the chain.

Nice shiner.

Thanks.

I mean, shut the fuck up.

By the way, you mean to hit me in that fight?

No. No, I just couIdn't see you.

AII right.

[cIears throat] I've been watching the game fiIm on the Cougars.

Their secondary's got more hoIes

than an orgy fuII of buIIdogs, if you know what I mean.

Okay.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, Iike Iesbians.

No.

I get the anaIogy.

No, you don't.

I need you to prick it up.

Prick it up?

Prick up the pace 'cause Hernandez is out and you're in.

Why?

I wanna put the baII in the air.

Can you put the baII in the air?

Don't taIk back to me.

I'm not ta-- I'm agreeing with you.

You can put the baII in the air.

Then you can provide me with a win.

'Cause I need a fucking win, bitch!

Jennifer. Jennifer!

WiII you taIk to me?

I'm Iate for work. What?

Look, I'm sorry about what happened at the party, okay?

You're sorry for acting Iike a footbaII pIayer or being an insensitive jerk?

Look, I Iike you, okay?

[Iaughs] You got a weird way of showing it.

Make out with some other girI? ReaIIy makes me feeI speciaI.

I didn't know you wanted to feeI speciaI from me.

I didn't--Look, I didn't know you were interested, okay?

I didn't think I was good enough.

And now you think you are?

No, I just know if I do nothing,

that's exactIy what'II happen.

What do you wanna happen?

With you, anything.

Mitch, sometimes you just have to make a move.

And know when to make a move.

Right.

Why don't you worry about your game tonight?

And hey, try to impress me.

[Iaughter]

Hey.

I want to say, uh,

I'm sorry for aIways being a super douche to you.

I wouIdn't say you're a super douche.

A-anyway, uh,

since this couId be my Iast season,

l just thought it'd be really cool if--

How couId it not be your Iast season?

I'm not doing too good in BioIogy right now.

You're 38 years oId.

Damn, Iet's forget aII of that shit, man. I mean it's--

What I'm trying to say, Mitch, is, uh,

best bros for Iife?

Yeah, I mean we're friends.

Okay.

Who's Iooking forward to some Division I I I footbaII?

I know we are here at ChanneI 57 and that's why this is our game of the week.

I'm Chet Ryback. That's my partner, Terry Lockwood.

Nobody Iikes that move. And it's the seven and one Cougars

up against the four and four BIuecocks.

Now, the Cougars are playing for playoff berth,

and the Bluecocks are playing for pride and to keep the football program alive.

lsn't that always the way. The drama of sport.

For those of you who don't recognize a name,

my partner Terry pIayed a IittIe Division I-A baII himseIf.

GuiIty as charged.

I guess he was, uh, Arizona?

Arizona State. WeII, you know, more in the theater program,

but this is where I beIong, here with you, my good friend.

Our camera Ioves you, aII of you. There's a Iot of you to Iove.

[Iaughs]

No, it wasn't a compIiment.

AII right, speaking of foIks you Iove,

Denny Dawson is down on the fieId.

Yes, Denny Dawson! Moving on to greater pastures. Bravo.

We don't say bravo.

That's right. Can't wait to do that. I'm gonna miss this IittIe town,

but I am onto bigger and better things. You know, Terry, it's unbeIievabIe.

You are cIearIy gay. Denny Dawson.

Last night hot.

AII right, words-of-wisdom time. Let's huddIe up here.

Words of wisdom. I'm not gonna try to be no Jesus Cristos

and give you some kind of sermon on the hump top speech.

AII right? But I wouId Iike to be inspirationaI.

'Cause I wouId reaIIy Iike to touch each and everyone of y'aII.

Diggs,

Hernandez, Primo.

Sixty-seven.

AII y'aII.

But the bottom Iine is, after tonight

you ain't gonna pIay baII.

None of y'aII. You ain't gonna pIay footbaII.

Yeah, maybe you'll have that occasionaI Thanksgiving football game

with a bunch of IittIe kids you're trying to impress.

But even that, you're gonna be too hung over for,

because the night before some he/she sIipped you a roofie.

And had it's way with you.

What are you saying?

Bottom Iine, if you don't go out there

tonight

and give it your aII--

1 00%.

Shut up, pIease.

And give it your aII, you're gonna regret it

for the rest of your miserabIe goddamn Iife!

[coughs]

AII right, you guys just go out there, Iet's have some fun.

Yeah.

Or just win.

Maybe just win 'cause that's about the funnest thing I know.

[Iaughing]

PIay fast, pIay Ioose.

WeII, no, Iet's go out there and pIay tight.

We wanna tighten it up. We wanna be as tight

as a nun's ass pipe on Christmas morning.

Just Ieave everything out there on the fieId.

No, you bring it out on the fieId and you Ieave it here.

You Ieave it aII out on the fieId.

No, you Ieave it here. Leave your shit here,

and when you go to the fieId, you gotta bring it.

They Ieave it there.

Just bring it in. Just bring it in.

One, two, three.

Get some!

Yes!

AII right, Iet's go.

Head coach Rick Vice and athIetic director Roy Goodwyn

have really gotten this program back on track.

A IittIe chocoIate and vaniIIa.

I don't get that reference.

I do know that the quarterback Mitch DePrima

is getting his first start of the year.

AIways the hardest thing to do. To be the understudy aII year.

Back up.

It's time for kickoff, so let's go down to the field.

Come on. Yeah!

Cocks are coming!

WeIcome to the big Ieagues, Ricky.

And we're underway.

Tyler, get in and drop a bomb on their moms.

[cheering]

Break it up.

HoIy fuckbaIIs.

lnstant replay. You wouldn't know a penalty from a miscarriage.

[bIowing whistIe]

[aII shouting]

Where is your mashed potatoes now Ricky?

On that girI's face.

[cheering]

You suck, cocks.

What'd you say?

Why are you here? I wiII eat that dog.

Why is your dog in the stands?

Wow, where did the time go?

That was a fast first haIf.

Cougars up 21 -7 over the BIuecocks. Not a great opening.

It's aII behind them now because we're on to my favorite part of the game.

The intermission, where everybody is encouraged to go up to the Iobby

and enjoy a beverage with their friend. Intermission.

HaIf time. You pIayed at ASU?

I did severaI pIays at ASU . Why are you making it about me?

It's your job to know the game.

It's your job to know the Ianguage of the game to impart knowIedge to the viewers.

Just Iike it's a coach's job to know the game

so he can impart his wisdom to his team.

What the fuck are you guys doing out there?

I cannot beIieve you're out there pIaying scared.

Are you gonna be a pussy or you going to be men?

Pussy. People who underachieve

aII the sorry sucking years.

Men. Motivated energized niggers.

I need a team of Nobus.

If Roy is going 9/1 1

Vice is gonna go Hiroshima.

You peopIe are pIaying in Division I I I .

And no one is gonna remember this goddamn game,

but you wiII remember it.

Diggs, how do you wanna remember you? Pretty boy?

And Jansen, we're the same age.

lf l played with them, l'd wipe their asses up.

DePrima. Wow. I thought you wanted a chance.

What are you, just all talk? You have an arm.

Do you have a heart?

Can you Iead this team?

What are you going to remember?

[aII gasp]

You got anything for 'em?

WeII, [cIears throat]

l guess l could tell you that if you guys go home tonight

incompIete,

if you waIk away from this game

with any kind of regret,

then you're probably gonna wind up a lot

Iike me.

(aII) Go, go, go, go.

Coach Vice really lit a fire under those BIuecocks.

He's inspired that team.

Remember Men. Motivated--

It's not as good as get some.

They're shooting the gaps and really stuffing those Cougars' holes.

What did you say? Did you hear what you said?

One, ninety-seven.

[cheering]

[blowing whistle]

Touchdown!

[Iaughing]

Yes!

WeII, the Cocks get the ball back

with just a minute and eight seconds remaining. No timeouts.

Okay, I make the caIIs.

I'm the caII maker. And everything I've done to you this season,

has prepared you for this moment.

Jousting the yard marker up my ass?

And I know you have not been drinking your own urinations.

Despite that, you see the caII?

I want you to caII on the Iine.

I want you to be the horse and I want you to take the reins.

Be the horse and take my own reins.

Yes. Oh, and one more thing.

You got it.

Let's go, Mitch.

Forty-six is the mark.

I don't see this going weII for you.

One-ninety. One-ninety Setup.

DePrima takes the snap, drops back.

lt's Greenman over the middIe for a nice gain.

[mixed voices]

It's Iike DePrima is in the hurry-up offense.

Forty-six in Iine.

[mixed voices]

Again, shouting out audibIes.

Now he's up under center, just where you like it.

Setup.

Takes the snap. Throws a quick hit.

Galvin does not get out of bounds.

The cIock keeps ticking.

On the baII. On the baII. Run for the Iine.

Thirty-five seconds left.

DePrima brings the players back up the line.

Working out of the shotgun again.

Oh, my goodness. Now he's improvising.

lt's like he's right. Back to Diggs.

And Diggs it takes down the field for a sizeable gain.

You can't do that. No, you can't do a forward IateraI,

but that was a rear IateraI.

Ten seconds remaining in the game.

They have to get to the endzone here.

Eight, fifty-three.

Again DePrima working out of the shotgun.

Diggs split out to the left. DePrima takes a low snap.

Avoids the rush. DePrima scrambling.

Let's go. Comes down with the baII.

Touchdown BIuecocks!

How do you Iike your Cocks now?

I hate to see that Reggie Diggs is helped off the field,

but evidently he's got a bad wheeI.

He hurt his Ieg.

Okay. The Cocks need a one to tie and two to win.

WiII they go for two?

No idea.

Not asking you.

What do you wanna do? Go for the win or the tie?

We got off the bus tied, didn't we?

We're at home.

Right. WeII, if I have to speII it out, I wanna go for two.

I wanna win this bitch.

Win this bitch.

Another receiver.

Coming, coach.

Oh, no, not-- PIease, not Schwartz.

CaII a timeout.

We don't have a timeout.

Allen Schwartz is coming into the game and at 5'6" and 1 30 pounds

he's definitely the smallest Cock on the field.

Not touching that one.

Oh, I think you have.

WeII, Iooks Iike the BIuecocks are going for two.

How do you know that?

What island are you from?

One ninety-nine.

DePrima back to pass.

He's looking for a receiver. Again, this is it.

And he's got it. He's sacked.

He's--no. He's stiII on his feet.

The man jumped over him.

No, he tried to sack him.

DePrima scrambling. Again, no time left on the cIock.

This is the game.

DePrima goes and the baII is tipped in the air.

Schwartz steps on his back and it's an incredibIe catch.

[cheering]

Yeah! Whoa!

One of the most incredibIe catches.

That's my boy. That's my boy.

I Iike it. My famiIy.

Is that it? I am tired.

That's the greatest catch I've ever seen in coIIege footbaII.

What the fuck is that?

Is that a joke? What is this, a fucking circus?

That's iIIegaI.

[cheering]

Hey. So, do you, uh, Ieave aII your moves on the fieId?

I got one Ieft.

Oh, my God. You got me right in the nose.

I'm sorry.

My eyes are watering. Oh, my God.

Tomorrow it's women's Iacrosse.

Yes. You'II be fIying soIo.

Hey. Cocks.

Looks Iike you're quite the griII master.

Why does everybody automaticaIIy assume

that fat peopIe wanna fuck other fat peopIe?

Just for the record, I never saw her, but I was toId that she had a cute face.

Ah, cute face is code for fat ass.

It's Iike the time Rick set me up with a girI with a great body.

Looked Iike somebody set her face on fire and put it out with a bicycIe chain.

It was Iike the whoIe thing was in sIow mo, and I just,

I just embraced the moment.

It's incredibIe. I wanna kiss you on the mouth.

Sit on it for a bit. My dick.

And not to mention she wiped it from back to front.

Okay, that's what it smeIIs Iike. I'm just saying.

Stench trench.

Hey, there. Roy, guys.

That was quite a game, Roy.

That final game, especially that last inning. That was something.

Uh, quarter.

Oh, I'm sorry, I don't have my waIIet on me.

Listen, I think the momentum you have going is wonderfuI.

I hope it carries over into next year. I put you right where I wanted you.

You can thank me Iater. You know, there is something I actuaIIy wanted to see

if it wouId be po-poss--

It's reaIIy a shame that you're graduating this year.

Why's that?

'Cause guess who got accepted to be a freshman in next year's cIass.

Oh, my God, that's so cute.

You carry it in your pocket everywhere.

Shut up.

CongratuIations. It's awesome.

Thanks.

Is this-- Are we doing this? Is this happening?

Maybe if you stop taIking.

You gotta watch the nose.

I'm not thinking about those things.

Oh, there he is. The bIack man of the hour.

Uh-huh.

Hey, good stuff, huh? Good stuff.

Interesting. Good stuff.

I'm thinking me and you. Carry that to next year.

[Iaughing]

Good luck.

Jensen, you did good.

This is the game baII. I want you to have it.

Thanks, Coach.

It reaIIy means a Iot to me.

WeII, you know, I've never met a pIayer as

mature as you.

I couIdn't have done it without my best bro here.

Thanks, Dad.

WeII, good Iuck to you two.

Diggs. Game baII.

My favorite coach.

Allen Schwartz. Schwartz is the "shports", huh?

Game baII. I want you to have it.

Wow.

WeII, without you and your gay IittIe dance moves,

who knows? Right? Who knows?

These Iook a Iot Iike my Dad's baIIs.

AII right, move the fuck aIong.

Jeez.

Did I frighten you?

No more than usuaI.

You know, this is--

One of your game baIIs?

One of the ga-- That's the game baII.

You've done reaI good this season. I'm proud of you.

I know I was tough on you.

Yeah, why are you so tough on everybody?

WeII, you ever hear the one about the Iion and the mouse?

No.

WeII, basicaIIy the Iion was in troubIe.

I reaIIy don't remember what kind of troubIe, but he was in a predicament,

and the mouse came up and said, "May I heIp you out?"

And the Iion said, "You can't heIp me. You're a IittIe mouse."

And he heIped him somehow. And Iater on in the story--

The Iion ate the mouse.

No.

You know, he might've. I don't--

He either-- He either heIped him out or he ate him.

'Cause it's his nature.

That's the part I remember, because it's in his nature.

Take care, coach.

I won't forget this.

Yeah.

I want you to get some.

'Cause that's in your nature.

And that ain't the game baII.

♫ Get some ♫

Scene 91 . HeIp her take three marks.

[laughter]

It's Iike--

I reaIIy feeI it's a great opportunity for me right now to--

Rickets is a disease you get when you don't have--

I don't know, still is soft.

That's good. One more.

[shouting]

Oh, my God. That scared me.

Put your hands right here. Shut up.

Quit staring at her, ta-tas and Iock it in.

[Iaughs]

Get some. Get it? Get it? Get it?

Do it. Get some.

Get it? Get it? Get it? Get it? I'm new.

I can't.

Give me one.

I don't have time to go through this. A man takes to a poet.

I'm no Edgar AIan Poop. I need you to get out there and pIay.

I'm Denny Dawson.

And I'm Head Coach Rick Vice.

DeductibIes and premiums.

There is my ride. I have to go.

But under a whoIe new set of ruIes.

What are you taIking about, WiIIis?

You can come--

[Iaughing]

He's been running since he was knee-high to Juan VaIdez--no.

[Iaughing]

That's true.

[Iaughing]

That's true.

I hate myseIf. I apoIogize for being aII pussy--

[Iaughing]

How Iong have you been sitting there ass-fucking me?

What?

[laughter]

I Iike you.

[Iaughs]

Sorry, I don't know if it was snot that feII out of my nose.

I do remember the paper, not to brag, but the paper did say

that I sang a BIoody Mary.

Like, uh, [indistinct]

And where is he now?

SeIIing reaI estate in Montana to nobody.

AII getting cut out in post.

[Iaughing]

Denny "D-Dog" Dawson here. As you can teII, unfortunateIy we've got a huge storm front

brewing from the East. Got a pressure system here.

That means we put them together and we have rain, foIks.

I'm sorry. Make sure you wear your umbreIIas and your rubber boots.

Thank you, Denny.

Who do I have to face-fuck to get these fucking stupid Iightning boIts

to stay on my goddamn suit? I Iook Iike an idiot here.

No, not that. I'II do that. Do it here, pIease.

This needs to be pushed down.

Higher. Can you push harder?

Wow. Who pissed in your cornfIakes?

Denny "D-Dog" Dawson here.

[The Guise sing Get Some]