Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

- ♪ What a guy ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Ask his friends ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

- ♪ Hercules ♪ - ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Come on ♪ - ♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now, the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

Hello, sunshine.

Icarus, you're too close. Pull back!

Negatory. Moth maintaining intercept course with flame.

Oh, no. I did it again.

Yah!

Mayday! Mayday! I'm going down!

Oh, man!

Come on, boy, dive!

Aah! Yikes!

Well, we can rule out pilot error.

That was clearly the result of equipment failure.

Gaah! Oh!

- Gee, ngah, n-gee.

Oh, ho-ho.

Aiee!

Hold on!

Oof!

Aah! Whoa! Oof!

D-aah!

Uhh! Aah. Unh.

Come on, buddy!

Grab my hand!

Unh!

- Hercules! - Aah!

Eh-heh. Oops.

Sorry.

Herc!

Uh-oh.

Where are you?

Hercules!

Whoa, buddy, are you all right?

Uhh. Yeah. Yeah, I think so.

Thanks for pulling me out of the river, Icarus.

Oh, no thanks necessary, Herc,

'cause I didn't actually pull ya out of the river.

Well, then who did?

Well, I don't know.

Well, maybe it was that guy over there.

Yoo-hoo, mister!

Thanks for helping my friend here. You really saved his...

Gaah! Eek! Ooh!

Aah! Oy! Oh, no!

Icarus, what is this place?

Get on the horse now!

Right.

It was so weird, Phil.

There... there were dozens of statues.

Statues, I knew it.

All right. Here we go, kid. Get a feel for 'em.

Oof! What's this for?

Gorgons, kid. You were in a gorgon lair.

Starting tomorrow, we're shifting your training.

To a gorgon-intensive program.

What do I do with this?

Rookie, you can't look a gorgon in the eye!

They'll turn you to stone.

So use the other side like a mirror.

Oh.

"Monsters are closer than they appear."

Words to live by, kid.

Hey, what's the matter, Mr. Stone,

people taking you for granite?

Eh, how about a little sun?

Unh. You feel heavier.

I think it's your sedimentary lifestyle.

Hey, come on, folks, I don't sing or dance, all right?

This is my best material.

Hmm, what's this?

"Hercules". Oh, what I wouldn't give for a friend who isn't a rock head.

I would do anything to change the way I look.

Mm, nice try.

Hey, if any of you gods are listening out there,

I'm ready to deal.

Hey, how you doing? Hades, lord of the dead.

♪ Aphrodite, Aphrodite, Aphrodite ♪

♪ The goddess of love ♪

Greetings, mortal.

I am Aphro... no. Oh, no.

What are you doing here?

No. No. No. This is my beseechment.

Aphrodite, babe. Looking good.

Love the song, by the way.

Mm-hmm, save it. Look. This is really my territory, all right?

It's clearly a self-esteem issue.

Ugh, "Issue." Oy. Listen, babe... may I call you "babe"?

Last thing I want to do is step on your territory,

but desperation is my bag.

OK? It's my "Issue."

Not really. Uh-uh. Sticking your nose where it doesn't belong is your bag. Eh.

Uh, excuse me.

I really don't care who does the job, so long as somebody makes me look good.

Medusa, you want real friends, right?

Right. Non-mineral.

Mm-hmm. Well, real friends will like you for who you are,

not what you look like.

Oh, please. In storybook land, maybe.

Look. All you need is to lose this gorgon accouterment

and become human.

You can do that?

Yes. This is what I do.

Medusa, babe, here's my offer:

You work for me at night,

you know, doing your gorgon terror thing... Booga, booga, booga.

And by day, I'll make you human.

You can frolic and play, schmooze, gossip, whatever,

Talk issues with all your little human friends.

It'll be great.

OK. You do know he's the lord of the dead, right?

He's coming up with the goods. And what are you offering?

Well, Hephaestus made these for me to wear at the beach,

but they will absolutely work for you.

You can look at people and they won't turn to stone.

Keeps harmful gorgon magic in, harmful UV rays out.

And? I don't, I...

You're really wowing me, ha.

So, do we have a thing here or what?

Medusa, if you live a lie,

you will never know if your friendships are true.

Will you stop! You're killing me.

Here, just for funsies, to thicken the plot, if you will,

I'll sweeten the deal.

If she finds one true friend

who likes her for who she is,

then, hey, boom, I make her human forever.

What do you say?

What do I say?

Between the stupid glasses or the full-on makeover?

This.

Bibbity, bobbity, boo!

Man, I should've beseeched you years ago.

Go on! Get out of here, you crazy thing.

But remember, you're mine at sunset.

Later!

Wow. You do nothing but prey on the weak and disadvantaged.

Pfft. It pays the bills, huh?

Ooh, baby.

Whoa!

Oh, uh, excuse me.

Oh, uh, ha, that's OK.

Hey! Hey, it's you.

Uh, have we met?

Met? Oh! Heh.

No, of course not. I mean, I'm... I'm new here.

How could we possibly have met?

But I did find this. I think it's yours,

uh, Hercules, is it?

Oh, I've been looking all over for this. Where'd you find it?

Oh, it was just laying around.

So, Hercules, do you have time to show a new girl around?

Well, you just saved me a 10-drachma lost ID fine,

so, uh, how can I say no?

OK. I know I'm new and all, but that Adonis guy,

ooh, could he stand to get over himself a little.

And his girlfriend Helen,

who can be that happy all the time?

I like this girl.

So you're real impressed with the school, huh?

Hmm.

Um, Medusa, I was just, um...

Uh, I was just wondering, you know... I mean,

I... I... if you're not busy or anything...

So, Medusa!

Is there anyone special in your life?

'Cause, uh, my boy Herc here is, uh...

- Yiee! - Hee hee!

Not yet, but I'm hoping.

Well, uh, I... I was wondering if, uh...

Wow!

Would you two kids look at that sunset. Hmm?

Sunset?

Wow. When Apollo's on, he's on.

Uh, I gotta go.

- Whoa! - Medusa? Wait!

Daaigh!

Did I come on too strong?

Is... Is my breath... No.

The ladies go wild for sardine-and-onion breath.

Isn't that right, honey?

Oh, boy. This isn't good.

Ah!

Doll, are you OK?

Aagh!

Heh.

Oops. Sorry.

Could the service be any slower tonight?

Gorgon!

Gorgon!

- Mommy! Mommy! - Aaagh!

Gorgon? I haven't trained for that yet.

Darn it.

Oh, this is getting ugly.

Oh, who asked you?

I'm ready to face you, vile monster.

But, uh...

Could you come out of the ladies' room, please?

Well, this just gets more and more humiliating.

Ta-da!

So... would you open your eyes.

She can only turn mortals to stone.

Dimwits.

Heeh! It's not that. It's...

It's just that we're in the ladies' room.

Oy.

So, you ready for your first day of work on Team Hades? Huh?

Sure, whatever. Just get me outta here.

Uh... are you coming out now?

Hello? Hello?

Come on, kid,

don't feel bad about what happened up there.

You know what? I believe, any day now,

you'll find your one true friend,

and then, bada-bing! You're human.

Let's just get started. What do you want me to do?

Hey! Whoa! Not so fast.

Everyone goes to orientation on their first day.

Orientation?

I run a professional organization.

Hi! I'm Pain.

And I'm Panic.

Welcome to underworld orientation.

Uh, Mr. Panic, I have a question

about our employee health benefits.

Just "Panic" please.

We're a "first name only" kinda place.

Yeah, and we're not employees.

We're cast members.

Hey, guys. What's all this about?

Emergency assembly. I predict utter boredom.

Hey, where were you last night?

You missed all the excitement.

Oh. Heh. It was just, uh... A "bad hair day" thing.

Well... ahem, anyway,

um, there was something I was going to ask you.

- Would you consider... - Zip it, punks!

All right, quiet down.

Now listen up, people.

We've got a gorgon at large.

Gorgon?

Now the only sure-fire way to slay a gorgon

is by chopping off its head.

Sever the head with a quick but forceful slice.

Something wrong?

Now, once you've removed said monster's head,

carefully put it in a purse.

Purse?

Not a wallet, men. A purse.

This is no time to be macho.

I myself own a little patent leather over-the-shoulder number,

but any quality handbag will do.

Now, once the head is safely inside the purse,

you take it to your nearest "A" -level god

for disposal. Got it?

Are you sure you're OK?

Yeah. Yeah, just this... Gorgon-killing stuff,

it, uh, just kinda gets me worked up.

Hey, it gets us all worked up.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah! Oh!

Ah!

Aaagh!

Grrrrr...

Ah!

Zool, wait! It's me, Medusa.

Medusa?

Jeez. I hardly recognized ya.

So this is your day gig, huh?

How's it goin'?

Eh, so so.

Oh, do I gotta bust some heads?

No. No. I just feel like I'm...

I feel like I'm living a lie.

Aw, well... Technically, you are.

Blow.

Thank you.

Hey. You know... You're right.

You're right. I'm just gonna show Hercules the real me.

Oh, thanks, Zool. You're a pal.

Aw, go on.

So, what's your assignment today?

Eat some people.

Huh. It's a no-brainer.

Hercules?

Hercules.

- Hey. - Ah!

Where you been?

Can we talk?

Sure. I'm just finishing up.

Uggh!

Duck!

Ah!

Sorry, but, uh, it's for your own safety.

Don't worry. It's fake.

See? So, what do you wanna talk about?

Uh, I don't think now is a good time, so...

- Bye. - Aw, come on. Hey, wait.

We're friends, right? So... so you can tell me anything.

That's cute in a really naive way, Herc,

but, nah, I think I'll keep this one to myself.

Come on.

What is so horrible that you can't tell me?

Nothing, I hope.

Well, Herc, you see...

"Monsters are closer than they appear."

You're the gorgon?

Hey, good eye. And you're only a hero-in-training?

Oh! I'm so stupid! It was so obvious.

How could I be so dumb?

You had my ID. You picked me out to show you the school.

- You even pretended to be my friend. - I wasn't pretending, Hercules.

I am your friend.

I showed you everything... Where I train, all my moves.

- I showed you all my moves. - Would you be quiet for one second!

Now, why do you think I did all this?

To get close to me so you... could turn me into stone.

Look, if I wanted you stone, you'd be stone.

Well... what am I supposed to think?

I don't even know who you are.

Funny. I was just thinking the same thing about you.

So-ho, buddy boy,

did you ask Medusa out yet?

Icarus, Medusa is the gorgon.

What?

The gorgon?

So, where are you gonna take her?

Didn't you just hear what I said?

She's the gorgon!

The monster that turns people into stone.

Oh, Herc.

A relationship is built on compromises.

Arrgh! Icarus!

There is no relationship.

Well, maybe there's not a lot of eye contact,

but she had a winning personality.

She's a monster!

A... a freak!

Oh, I see.

So the hero's too good

to have a freak for a friend, huh?

Watcha gonna do, Herc? You gonna get rid of her?

You gonna go stick her head in a purse?

- Wh... what? I... - And then what?

You gonna get rid of all the freaks, huh?

Who's next, Herc? Freaks who flew too close to the sun?

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do...

What I should've done in the first place.

OK, let's rock and roll!

See, rock is a little joke, 'cause you turn people to stone. Get...

Uh, OK.

Count me out. I'm not up to it tonight.

Pardon?

You signed a contract, remember?

No pay, no play.

Don't I get any sick days?

OK. Why don't you tell Unca Hades all about it,

and you'll feel much better.

Well... OK.

- There's this boy, and he's really cute. - Medusa!

I know that voice.

- Hercules. - Hercules?

That's the guy?

Correct me if I'm wrong.

But Hercules is a hero, is he not?

And heroes kill monsters like you.

- Am I wrong? - Sure, he hurt my feelings,

but I don't think he would kill me.

Oooogh! That's a cute world you live in.

It really is. It's so nice. Everybody gets along.

Wake up, little girl!

This kid is a gorgon-slayer.

Then, he's coming here to...

Duh.

No. No, I can't believe that.

OK. Hey, but if I were you,

I'd... turn him to stone.

Just a suggestion.

How's my head look? Is it on straight?

Medusa!

Are you here?

- Come out! - Go on, get outta here.

I can take care of myself.

All right, all right. I'll just be over here if you need me.

I gotta see a man about something.

Um, over here, Hercules.

Medusa?

Lose the shield, hero.

It's too dark to see the monster.

Heh. I deserve that.

That's why I brought you this.

Ah-choo!

What...

Oops.

Ugh! You creep!

Hey. Hey, not my fault. I got a cold.

Do I feel warm? I feel, I feel warm, uh?

Look, he was clearly going for his sword.

Come on.

Flowers?

He was coming to apologize.

Oh! What have I done?

Oops. Gee, guess I misjudged the guy.

Gee, I feel awful.

- Oh, well. - Ahem.

Uh, aren't you forgetting something, Hades?

♪ Aphrodite ♪

Oy, Aprhodite, again with the song.

Mm-hmm. Now, I don't know,

I'd say this qualifies as "one true friend."

Make her human, loser.

Hey, if I could only turn one person to stone,

I'm glad it was jerkules.

I hate that kid.

Bada-bing! Human time.

Whoa.

Wha... What happened?

Hey! Come on, no fair. Interference.

Hey, what good is a true friend if he's a rock?

Uh, look... I don't know what all this is about,

but I came here on a mission.

Medusa, I, uh...

I know I've been kinda, like, a jerk,

but I was wondering if you'd like to, um...

go out with me tonight.

- Hmm? - Yeah.

You know, I think my calendar's clean.

Ha! Well, then, let's go.

Uh, hold on.

Um, I was just wondering if...

Oh, yeah, of course. Hey, you go, girl.

I don't think we'll be needing this.

Aw, that's so nice. That's nice, huh?

Kids got together, and, you know...

We're here... So, whadya think?

Shall we make it a double date, huh?

Grrrr!

Heh! Hagh!

Hephaestus.

I... I'm sorry, ma'am. What was your name again?

I was just chatting with the nice lady.

I gotta go. I gotta go shampoo my hair.

That's likely.