Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Is he bold? ♪ - ♪ No one braver ♪

- ♪ Is he sweet? ♪ - ♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

- ♪ What a guy ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Ask his friends ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

- ♪ Hercules ♪ - ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Come on ♪ - ♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now, the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Smart and shy ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one, a zero, zero ♪

♪ He'll never quit till he's a hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see.

Ancient Greece was a time of great heroes

and great literature.

The two came together in the epic poem,

a vivid narration of heroic exploits.

Isn't somebody going to offer a snide comment?

No sassy interjections?

Not this time, Bob.

We're hanging on every word.

You're good to go, baby.

Back at you, girls.

The sages say, "Write what you know."

So who better to compose an epic poem than a hero,

or at least a hero-in-training?

Class? Class?

We have just enough time left for your epic poetry assignment.

You seem annoyingly confident.

Cassandra, I've been working on this poem for months.

It's chock-full of heroic stuff.

We're talking easy alpha.

Very well, Mr. Hercules. We begin with you.

Here you go, Miss Cassiopeia.

Hercules?

Where are you going?

Uh, back to my seat.

Oh, dear boy, you didn't think this was a written assignment, did you?

Of course not. I...

Oh, come on.

Poetry is meant to be recited.

The beach in Crete wilt mainly in the heat.

Icarus is correct.

The class is your audience, poet Hercules.

Regale us with your stirring saga.

Uh... ahem.

"A Poem."

Ahem.

"A-a poem... by Hercules."

Oh, what's with him?

Extremely dramatic pause

or utter terror of public speaking.

I, uh... ahem... w-w-would like to...

C-c-could I get some water?

- Terror. - Terror.

That's all for today, class.

We'll resume tomorrow with Hercules.

You can breathe now, ace.

Hit it, kid! Go, go!

Oh, I'm doomed, Phil.

It's all over.

Uhh!

Whoa! Whoa!

Aah!

I'm sorry, Phil. I'm just nervous.

I've got to talk in front of everybody.

All right, listen, kid, can you talk to one person?

Well, sure.

A group is a bunch of one persons together, multiplied.

Let me tell you about when Jason was an Argonaut.

The guy wouldn't step foot off dry land.

Jason was afraid of water?

Yeah. Everybody's afraid of something.

It's how you handle it that makes you a hero.

How did he get past it?

I told him the ocean is nothing more

than a bunch of glasses of water together, multiplied.

Oh. Huh. Well, thanks, Phil.

I feel better.

Of course, I also told him, "learn to swim."

It's rematch time, brother.

The dread Orthos versus the dead Hercules.

All right! Whoo-hoo!

Hercules!

Uh, who's Hercules?

Hercules, the kid who broke up our aristocrat buffet.

Hercules, the cur who cleaned our clock!

Hercules, the mutt who made us the laughingstock

of the entire monster community!

Oh, that Hercules.

Yes, that Hercules,

And now we are going to meet, beat, and eat him

in front of a large audience.

Can we eat the audience, too?

Focus.

We will thus regain our reputation as a fearsome monster.

Then can we eat him?

Since our defeat,

I have watched Hercules like a hawk.

I've steeped myself in his logic.

I know his every move.

His day begins at school for classes,

a light lunch, more classes,

then home for hero training.

Sheesh, kids these days are so programmed.

Today after poetry class,

I saw Hercules sweat,

and Hercules never sweats.

So what does that tell us?

It's not the heat, it's the humidity?

No, Hercules is nervous,

and when Hercules gets nervous,

he gets hungry.

Yeah, I can relate.

And where does a hungry teen on a budget

go in Athens?

OK, think small.

A group is just a bunch of glasses of water.

Hey, Herc!

Huh?

You know, me and Cassandra are going to the Agora.

I lost a bet.

You want to come?

I'll pay you.

Uh, no, not tonight. I've got to practice reading my poem.

Public speaking makes me kind of... nervous.

You hid it very well,

other than the flash flood of flop sweat.

Herc, buddy, try my approach to public speaking.

Let your mind go blank.

That's your approach to everything.

Ha ho! Yeah!

Your wit inspires me, my muse.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. I feel a poem coming on.

Fight the urge.

I'm getting out before he chews.

Oh, honey, the Agora! Wai-by!

Wai-by up for me-by!

Hello. I couldn't help overhearing.

You know what you need?

Uh, privacy?

Fish. Fish is brain food...

Makes you think fast

and speak clearly like me.

I'm getting you a Poseidon pita.

My poem!

Where did it go?

One Poseidon pita, extra eel.

- Have you seen my poem? - Hey! Hands off the merchandise.

Oh, where could it be?

Hey. I got to find that poem.

I don't see it.

Hey! Wait! Come back with my poem!

Get me down closer.

Pegasus, what happened?

Oh, it's not funny. I was trying to get... my tablet!

Where did the garbage cart go? Did you see? Do you?

Aah! Come on, what are we waiting for?

OK, let's try this again.

Ease me down closer.

Whoa!

That is not what I call easing.

All right, are you sure this is the right cart?

What?

Huh?

What is it, Pegasus?

What? I'm looking for...

Yeah, well, uh,

I know this must look a little odd and all, but...

Hey, Herc!

You decided to come after all.

Some people will do anything to avoid walking.

Guess you figured out where the real bargains are, eh?

No, I lost my tablet at Speedy Pita.

I've got to find it

so I can practice reading my poem.

Hey, kid, out of my cart.

You want to read, go to the library or something.

No, no, no, you don't understand.

I've got this tiny problem with public speaking.

Try positive visualization.

Pardon me?

Imagine yourself doing it right. When it comes time

for the real thing, you'll know what to do.

Oh, and Speedy Pita's not even on my route.

That cart's on its way to the dump, probably there by now.

- Thanks, sir. - Yeah, yeah, don't mention it.

Pegasus, to the dump!

And what do you think you're doing?

Bargain hunting!

For the last time, where is Hercules?

Can't you get it through your thick heads?

I don't know any Hercules!

Now that that's settled,

I'll have the super Souvlakia with a side of...

You'll get nothing and like it!

Maybe this will refresh your memory.

Oh, you mean dumpster boy?

So, now he's masquerading as "dumpster boy."

Fiendishly clever, but I am cleverer still.

Let me tell you something.

He ran after that garbage cart so fast,

he didn't even leave a tip. I'm leaving this joint.

Aha. My deductive left-brain reasoning

tells me that garbage cart

can only be headed to one location.

The game is afoot.

Uhh. It's got to be here.

I'm looking as fast as I can.

Oh!

There it is!

Aah!

Uhh.

Nice timing.

Now let's go get that poem.

Orthos, party of two.

Ready for dinner.

Steady, boy. Almost got it.

- Shall we? - After you.

Dumpster boy, ho!

Mine, mine!

Mine!

Did we get him?

Mine, all mine!

Great.

You took my poem!

Mine! My poem.

No, my poem. I wrote it.

Mine. I wrote it.

Mine, mine, mine.

Whoa! Hey!

Whoa! Watch it!

Home. No place like it.

Shh.

Ha!

Good poem. Big hero.

She likes it.

Glad I wrote it.

Hey! Whoa!

Hephaestus, babe, listen, hate to nudge,

but Zeus has this smithing thing at 7:00,

and he is utterly without thunderbolts. You dig?

Poor planning on his part

does not constitute an emergency on mine.

I'll be sure to pass that along to the big guy.

I can't make it any faster than I can make it.

Uh-oh.

Oh!

Uh, good evening.

I believe you have something of mine.

My poem. My house. Get lost.

Uh, that stuff belongs to you.

Yeah. Oh, aha.

Aha.

The poem belongs to me.

Mine!

Listen, I really need to practice that poem.

You see, the truth is...

I have a bit of a problem with public speaking.

Loser. Get over it.

Would you just give it to me already?

Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine!

- Fabulous. I'm gone. - Be careful. It's still hot.

Yah!

OK, let's take it from the top.

Ooh, look. Shiny.

Oh, ahh.

Ohh.

- Mine, give me! - You want it? Go get it!

No!

Not my night.

Our reckoning is at hand, Hercules!

He's gone again?

My scrunchy! Ha ha! Oh!

Wait here.

Whoa, whoa. Hold up. What, your chariot on fire?

The man who just went in has my poem.

Regular or epic?

Epic.

Bummer, baby.

Enjoy, ladies.

How old are you, poet?

Old enough.

Nice try, Tyke.

Oh, please. I have to recite that poem in front of my class,

and if I don't practice,

I'll never get over my fear of public speaking.

Come on, baby, just picture the audience in their undergarments.

Excuse me?

It humanizes them, man.

Come on. Makes them less imposing.

Oh, great. So, uh, you'll let me in?

No way, baby. Beat it. Hike. Scamoo.

There has to be another way in this place.

Hey, kid, what's the matter, You never heard of "excuse me"?

Oh, I'm sorry. Please excuse me. I'm just in a bit of a hurry.

Oh, that's OK. Come on. Sit down.

That's very kind, but I'm... sitting down again.

Arm wrestle?

No, thank you, really.

I'm just going to grab my tablet.

Ready... go!

Aah!

Thanks a lot. It's been fun.

Hey, wait. Hold it. I wasn't ready!

Well, thanks so much. We'll do it again sometime.

Got you.

Well, well, we meet again.

City state trooper Chipecles.

Oh, this is not what it looks like.

I-I just came here to get my poem.

I really need to practice reading it.

Zip it. Try reading that.

"No one under XVIII admitted."

Underage and a thief.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

See, you don't understand. I can explain everything.

Explain it to the judge, junior.

I'm taking you in.

You just missed him.

The kid got busted, pinched, caged.

Sorry, twins.

Let's just forget it.

The key to obsessive behavior, brother,

is follow-through.

Which way to the jail?

Uh, there, baby.

So this whole silly misunderstanding, really,

was caused by a fear of public speaking.

Can you believe it?

You want the key to public speaking?

A strong topic sentence.

That way, even if the rest of your speech tanks,

people will have one good thing to remember.

That's not very comforting.

Then try this. You don't have to worry about your presentation,

'cause you're going to be locked up ad infinitum,

and that goes for your pony pal, too.

Oh, father, I don't often ask for help...

Surprise! Surprise!

Orthos?

Correct, Hercules. We meet again.

That roof is the property of the Athens P.D., monster.

Send us a bill, flatfoot. We're here for Hercules.

Ah, in cahoots with a two-headed cyclops, huh?

That figures.

No, it's not like that. Tell him it's not like that!

- I don't think so. - No!

What do you want?

Don't play coy, hero.

We've come to avenge our humiliating defeat at your hands.

Let's just eat him and get on with our lives, OK?

Oh, we'll eat him, all right.

- Thank you. - We'll eat him in front of people,

lots of people.

We need a bigger playing field.

Help! Help!

That's right, fear the mighty Orthos!

But stick around to watch the fight.

I order you to stop terrorizing

these good people.

Cute. We will now set forth the rules of this battle.

Rules?

We're tough but fair.

Uhh!

Rule number one... No kicking.

Uhh!

Get him!

He's making us look bad.

Uhh!

Sorry I can't chat,

but I'm late for school.

You did good, kid.

Thanks. Oh, my gosh. I'm late for class.

Hold it, hold it.

There's still the matter of you and a certain seedy waterfront taverna.

You can't...

But in light of your recent hot-dog heroics,

I think I can look the other way this time.

Oh, thank you.

But know this... if I catch you

on the wrong side of the law again,

I'm taking you down hard!

Right. Got it.

Remember, strong topic sentence!

Mr. Hercules, you're late.

Where have you been?

Well, it all began yesterday...

and when I looked back down, the tablet was gone.

I looked all over Speedy Pita, but...

So, I'm in the garbage cart, which smells really ripe,

and it tips me into the dump.

Ugh! Stink city.

Fortunately, Pegasus was in the neighborhood, and he caught me.

Have you ever met a harpy?

Ugh! What a pain.

Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.

After I nearly fell off the ledge,

I offered her something shiny, and that got rid of her.

I was this close to the tablet when a thunderbolt hits.

What is a city-state trooper doing in a taverna anyway?

So, there we are, me and Orthos, the two-headed cyclops.

I swung as hard as I could.

He... I mean, they went down,

which brings us to this morning.

Ho! Epic!

Wait, that wasn't it.

Mr. Hercules,

that tale was outlandish beyond belief...

Mayhem and monsters,

coincidences and catastrophes.

Alpha-plus!

It was everything an epic poem should be.

No, that... that really happened.

This is my... alpha-plus? Really? Wow.

- Guess who. - My grade.

My grade. Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine!