Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Is he bold? ♪ - ♪ No one braver ♪

- ♪ Is he sweet? ♪ - ♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

- ♪ What a guy ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Ask his friends ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

- ♪ Hercules ♪ - ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Come on ♪ - ♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now, the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Smart and shy ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one, a zero, zero ♪

♪ He'll never quit till he's a hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see.

Amazing! Fantastic!

Now, that's what I call a geography project.

What is it?

A map of the world.

Careful.

Watch out!

I spent several excruciatingly tedious minutes

hiring a professional to construct that model.

Your geography projects are all lovely.

I will begin the grading

with Prince Adonis' model volcano.

Miss Cassiopeia, if I may demonstrate,

it's a working model.

Oh!

Aah!

Surf's up. OK.

Inspirational, Adonis. Alpha-plus.

What's not to lava?

Ha ha ha... lava.

Now, then, Mr. Hercules.

Hmm. This is rather unconventional.

It's a map of the world.

Well, it was.

Oh, dear.

Well, I'll give you an incomplete.

Perhaps you could aspire

to something more like Adonis' fine effort.

You did that on purpose.

So the traveling salesman asks, "What do you think?"

And the farmer's wife,

she says, "I don't know. It's all Greek to me."

Ha ha ha!

"Greek to me." get it? Ha ha ha.

Oh... oh, yeah. That's a good one, Father.

Is something wrong, son?

I wouldn't want to bore you.

That's what these father-son chats are for.

Am I right, Hermes?

Zeus, babe, they don't come any righter.

OK, there's this creep at school named Adonis.

Now we're getting somewhere.

- Is he a Titan? - No.

- Monster? - Unh-unh.

A demigod?

He's mortal. Obnoxious, but mortal.

Oh. Well, you...

You just have to show him who's boss.

How? I mean, sure, sometimes I feel like thrashing him, and I could,

but that wouldn't be very heroic.

Oh, but you're my boy.

It's not that simple. He's a prince, and I'm...

A son of Zeus. Start acting like it.

That's great on Mt. Olympus,

but where I live, it's another story, Dad.

Up there, down here... Put him in his place.

End of story!

You don't know what it's like.

You wouldn't last 24 hours as a human teenager.

Hermes, does he seem peevish to you?

With all due respect, large guy, cut him some slack.

I mean, you banished your father.

That was different. He tried to swallow me whole.

- Oh, here we go. - Ha! Watch this.

Aah!

Whoops. Back in a flash.

I feel like a kid again, Hermes.

It's you, sir.

Ha!

OK, bottom line, I'm stuck way down here,

Cold, damp, lots of, brrr, dead people.

Zeus, on the other hand, is way up there

at the all-you-can-eat ambrosia buffet.

Objective, reverse positions.

Hey!

Cerberus, drop it. Come on now, drop it.

Lousy mutt. We're living in bones "R" us,

And he's got to use my stuff for a chew toy.

Hey, hey, listen up!

Look, me master, you obedient pup, got it?

Ugh.

Ugh. Pain! Panic!

Present and accounted for, your churlishness.

- Nice doggies. - Uh, good doggies.

When you two were whining about getting a puppy,

what did I say?

"You have to walk it. You have to feed it."

Did I not? - I guess I'm really more of a cat person.

- Aah! - Whoa!

Down, boys. Nice doggies.

Help! Ow!

Oy, I could have had a nice three-headed goldfish.

Prepare yourself, Icarus.

Today is the day I beat Adonis.

Ha! At dodge ball? Yeah, right.

Shh, here comes Phys. Oedipus.

OK, you all know the rules.

Throw the ball as hard as you can

at anything that moves.

You may not run. You may not hide.

Last one standing wins,

and, people, please, please remember,

we're here to have fun, OK?

Ready, set...

OK, go get 'em, pal.

I'll be cowering right behind you.

Uh-oh.

Hey, what's with that kid?

He's not cowering.

This time I've got him.

Gee, that was close.

Huh? I can't be out. I had him.

Hey, remember,

as one door closes, another one opens.

Ow. Whoa.

Think of this as a learning experience, OK?

Aah!

Who is that new guy?

You mean Mr. "I cower for no man"?

Who is that guy?

Oh. Oh.

He cheated. The sun was in my eyes.

Aw, come on now. You just got to pick yourself up,

Dust yourself off, and, well, you know the rest.

Oh, that was so great!

I'm Hercules. Call me Herc.

I'm Zeu... Ach!

Eh, Zach. The name's Zach.

That person is about to discover

that I can be a very royal pain.

Hermes.

How goes the second childhood,

your splendidness?

Aces. I showed Hercules.

Uh, technically, sir, with all due respect,

You didn't really satisfy the Herc challenge.

Come again?

Well, the gig was to be a mortal teenager for 24 hours,

and you used your Godly powers.

OK. Fine.

There... I'm mortal!

Oh, sir, I didn't mean...

Now, let's go home.

I've got that deep-down nectar thirst.

Uh, well, remember Olympus' immigration policy...

Uh, no mortals allowed?

See, you've got that mortal thing happening now.

Uh, why not try a bed and breakfast?

I hear they're fabulous.

But this is ludicrous, absurd...

I-i-it's unfair!

Welcome to your teens.

Whoa! Hey, slow down!

Come on, heel! Heel! Come on!

Find a tree or something already.

You know what I'm saying? A little... hey!

Bad puppy!

Come on, put that down!

Hades, have you no control over that fleabag of yours?

Ladies, forgive me. I'm sorry.

He's a bit... how shall I say? Rambunctious.

Drop it already!

What is it? Come here.

What is this? It's a... yuck.

It's... it's an eyeball. OK...

There... I'm mortal!

Oops! Ha ha ha.

You weren't supposed to see that.

Right, understood. Just out of curiosity,

That kid with Hermes, who was that?

There was something kind of vaguely familiar about him.

No, absolutely not!

Yeah, all right... unless, of course...

Sister... You'll keep that beast locked up.

H-he's... sit, sit.

He's in the doghouse for, like, ever.

OK? Boom, done, gone.

Well... all right.

That boy is Zeus.

Zeus! Right, of course.

Voice, it should have been a dead giveaway that,

Zeus? You mean, the biggest cheese

in the universe is mortal,

As in no longer immortal,

as in susceptible to becoming, you know,

my province, deceased?

Yes.

Yes!

Sharpen those scissors, ladies.

We've got a thread of life to cut.

You should have seen the look on Adonis' face

when that ball hit him in the gut, wham! Ha ha.

He was laid out flat. It was beautiful.

Interesting. We haven't seen your petty side before.

I like it.

Of course, I take no pleasure in the suffering of others.

I just expect that Adonis will be a better person.

For the experience.

Uh-huh.

Hey, great to see you again, zach.

I'd like you to meet Cassandra.

Charmed, I'm sure.

Anyone who can humiliate Adonis is a friend of mine.

Zach, you're, you're amazing.

You're the kind of guy who can really shake things up.

No, no. No, no, no, and no.

Come on, don't you see?

There's a natural order to life which cannot be upset.

I mean, the last person dumb enough to challenge Adonis

on his first day of school was, uh...

Well, actually, it was you, Herc.

Looks like we have a lot in common, pal.

More than you think.

Target sighted.

Poor Zeus.

He had a lot to learn about teenage cruelty.

And what better teacher than Adonis?

Honey, it's a Greek tragedy.

Objective, humiliation.

♪ There's repercussions From the choice he chose ♪

♪ You got to watch your back And stay on your toes ♪

♪ You should have listened To your young son's woes ♪

♪ Now you know what every teenager knows ♪

♪ It's hard as Hades, honey ♪

♪ When you can't use the power of Zeus ♪

♪ You got the screamin' Grecian teenage ♪

♪ Awkward in-between age blues ♪

♪ You're used to doing Anything you please ♪

♪ But as a mortal, you're no big cheese ♪

♪ Here on Earth ♪

♪ You're just another target to tease ♪

♪ You're having second thoughts ♪

♪ Now that you're feeling the squeeze ♪

♪ You don't need the Oracle of Delphi ♪

♪ To give you the news ♪

♪ Oh, no, no, no ♪

♪ You got those screamin' Grecian teenage ♪

♪ Uup the hatch and mean age ♪

♪ Awkward in-between age blues ♪

Hermes. Hermes, get down here.

Yeah, I've only got a minute.

Hephaestus is after Athena again.

Waste of time if you ask me,

which nobody ever does, thank you very much.

I give up. Hercules was right.

I can't cut it as a mortal. Get me out of here.

I feel your pain, honest I do.

But you made the rules.

You just have to wait it out.

Nobody knows what it's like to be me, man!

Yeah, sorry. Got to jet.

But, sir, that was authentically adolescent.

All right, one more time.

You go on the paper, you don't eat it.

You got the concept?

Ooh! Now we're talking.

There's only one God in the universe

who can fill out a chiton like this.

My patience is starting to wear...

It's out, OK?

Come on, it's gone.

Boom, no more patience.

I'm trying to find Zeus, and you are...

Hmm.

Marauding bloodhound,

Mortal Zeus.

Dog that destroys everything in its path,

enemy that needs to be destroyed.

Perfecto!

Ha!

You want the toy? Come on.

You want the toy?

It's OK. Let's go get it.

Come on, sniff it out.

Like this. Where is it? Come on, come on you can do it.

Come on. Come on, already!

Jeez! You got a nose the size of a barn.

Three of them, you got three big, wet, sloppy, come on.

Atta baby. You want him? Go get him!

Go! Fetch! Seize!

Mangle! Shred!

Right. Go right.

There you go. Get him.

I know that look.

Adonis.

Buck up. You just have to show him who's boss.

That is quite possibly the lamest advice I ever heard.

Yeah, I know. My dad said it to me.

I thought maybe you'd find it more inspiring.

Well, sorry. I'm kind of late for class.

Hang in there, Zach!

Whoa!

Oh, my gosh!

Hades.

Hmm, Zach. You know, it's hard not to gloat here,

so I'm just going to go with it, OK?

♪ Zeus is going to get eaten ♪

♪ I'm taking over ♪

♪ Ha na-na-na-na ♪

You'll never get away with this, Hades!

Uh, wrong. OK! Hey!

There's a new tough God in town, people,

And his name is Hades, large and in charge.

Hades, this will not go unpunished.

By whom, mortal you?

Forgive me if I fail to tremble.

Go ahead. Knock yourself out.

Go, chomp!

Leave my friend alone...

Please?

This is so great on, like, so many levels.

Hades? When my father finds out

that you're meddling in mortal affairs...

Well, I got news for you, junior.

Daddy's standing right next to you,

And when it comes to mortal affairs,

he's right in the thick of things.

Isn't that right, Zeus?

Huh?

Like father, like son. Like, ciao.

- Aah! - Aah!

Let me just make sure I got this straight.

You turned yourself into a teenager?

I wanted to prove you wrong.

It didn't exactly work.

Well, fine. Just change back.

I love this part. He can't.

He actually made himself mortal. You get it?

Why would you do that?

My boyish impetuosity?

Fetch!

Good thinking, son!

OK, let's try this again.

Fetch!

Ah, tenacious beast.

Tell me about it.

Get it, boy!

Uh... boys.

Hello!

The idea is to fetch them.

Back here!

Man, what I wouldn't give for a thunderbolt.

Sorry, Father. Us mortals have to find other solutions to our problems.

Come on, son.

Is it my imagination, or is he slowing down?

Hey, he's a puppy.

You played with him, you fed him...

Maybe it's nap time.

They say that music soothes the savage beast.

♪ Close your eyes ♪

♪ Until the new day ♪

♪ Let the magic of Morpheus ♪

♪ Whisk you away ♪

♪ To the stars in the heavens ♪

♪ Where dreams all come true ♪

♪ High atop Mt. Olympus ♪

♪ Zeus is watching over you ♪

But how could you know that song?

My mom... my mortal mom...

Used to sing that song to me as I fell asleep.

And I listened every night.

Just because you were living on Earth didn't mean I stopped caring.

Oh. I, uh, I owe you a big apology, Father.

I shot my mouth off without thinking.

Nonsense. It's been an education.

I've gained a great deal of respect for you, son.

This is so touching. It's so moving.

I get a lump in my throat the size of Crete.

He is actually kind of cute.

Hey... ahem... remember me?

Little old Lord of the Underworld,

which is, incidentally, where you're headed, Zeus.

You'll have to fry me first, Hades.

I can deal with that.

Out of the way, son. This is between me

and my gloom-from-the-tomb brother.

I hate to see families in conflict.

I'll tell you what, I'm kind of a softy.

I'll torture you both at once. How's that?

Going down!

Mighty one, your 24 hours of mortalhood is up.

OK, great.

Somebody might have mentioned a pertinent tidbit

of information like a time limit.

We did tell Hades about that time limit, didn't we?

Ha ha. He'll figure it out.

OK, hey, I don't want to intrude on your tender moment.

You know, it's like a tender...

Besides, I think we all learned a little lesson here today.

The kid finds out that you care,

you find out being human is, hey, no picnic,

And me... I learned that, you know,

fry first and gloat later, so, uh...

Hyah-ha!

Have a nice trip.

See you next fall.

Oy!

I still can't believe you became mortal just for me.

- Thanks. - Oh, posh.

You're my boy, my boy.

Well, forget about Adonis.

I'll figure out a way to deal with him.

Very mature of you, son.

There's no point in wasting your energy on a creep like him.

Bow and step to the side.

Commoners to the left, nobodies to the right.

All make way for the royal me.

Then again, that kid is practically wearing

a "smite me" sign.

Aah!

What?