Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

- ♪ What a guy ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Ask his friends ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

- ♪ Hercules ♪ - ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Come on ♪ - ♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

Hestia, what a marvelous party you've thrown us.

The goddess of the hearth has truly outdone herself.

Shh! Bacchus! The soufflé!

The slightest noise will make it fall.

Oh, I do wish Zeus would get home.

He said he was only going out for a quick smite.

Ha ha! I'll bet he's having hephaestus craft you a jeweled treasure

for your anniversary.

But act surprised. Men like that.

Ah. Beautiful smiting today, Big Z.

You know, you've given new meaning to the term "lightning round." Ha ha!

Whoa! Snazzy shindig!

Say, honey, isn't your weekly coffee klatch

getting a little extravagant?

Coffee klatch?

Oh.

Ha, ha.

You... do know what this occasion is?

Occasion?

Ha! Of course I do.

Ehh... is it something special?

The occasion... honey...

is our anniversary.

Ouch.

Ooh-ooh. The party is heating up.

Just the way I like it.

Anniversary! Yes! Ha!

I knew that.

Did you, now.

Well, naturally. As lord of the universe,

I know everything. Heh heh.

You, Zeuster, have got that omniscient shtick down.

Ha. So, uh, what did you get her?

Uh... get?

Yeah. Uh, an-anniversary, uh, gift?

Oh. Um, I, uh...

I must've left it at my other... thing. You know.

In your other... Universe?

Let's blow this joint. Know what I mean?

No, no, no. Don't leave yet.

No one's even tasted my Ambrosia soufflé.

It's a good thing.

So let me get this straight.

The all-knowing, all-powerful king of the gods

cannot remember his own anniversary. Smooth.

I was busy smiting Smyrna!

I did not forget!!

Ohhh...

Hmm. Marital discord.

Always good for a little...

chuckle. Hmm-hmm.

Ohh! What's keepin' Dad?

I beseeched him five minutes ago.

Father! I need to see you!

Yes, yes. What is it?

Uh... well... Happy anniversary.

I-I got this for you and Mom.

Oh. Uh... uh, thank you, son.

That's very thoughtful.

Well! Would you look at that.

It's a, uh... Obviously, it's a...

Large scroll, huh?

Not just any scroll. It's a scrap scroll

with all the special occasions in your lives...

The day you and Mom met,

your first date, last year's wedding anniversary.

I made that page really flashy.

- Why? So I won't forget it? - Oh...

Well, no. I-I... I didn't mean...

Oh, look. And there's Hera's birthday.

Thought I'd forget that, too, did ya?

No! I-I was just...

I expected better from you, young man.

But I'm sure your mother will love it.

That coulda gone better. What'd you give him, cash?

No. I don't get it. I thought he'd be impressed.

Kid, you never know what's gonna please parents. Heh.

And you've gotta impress the head honcho of the cosmos.

He said he-he expected better of me.

What do you think he meant by that?

Who knows? Maybe you're not becomin' a hero fast enough for him.

Your folks have been holdin' that spare room for you a long time.

Tell me about it.

Phil, it's time for me to do something big,

- something that'll make my parents proud. - Like what?

Like my first official hero labor,

one sanctioned by the Heroes' Union Local 839.

Whoa. You sure you're ready, kid?

Those union labors are tough.

That's why they make you a hero.

Well, that's what I've been training for, so let's do it.

Uh, if that's what you want. But let's start small...

Gettin' rid of king diomedes' man-eating mares.

Sure. No pro... man-eating?

And an official hero labor calls for a big send-off party...

Man-eating?

So all your friends can say good-bye, in case you don't make it.

They eat men?

Toothbrush, mouthwash, razor... Ah.

Mmm.

Old spite, my personal favorite.

Goin' on a vacation, your combustibleness?

No! I am going to Mt. Olympus, boys. And it's not a vacation.

It's an errand of mercy.

You see, Zeus and Hera, sadly, are having a little tiff.

They need comfort and support.

And I'm gonna make sure they don't get any!

Oh, their lives are about to be ruined.

And that will leave their darling little son Hercules very vulnerable.

Zeus, Hera, and Jerkules... a triple play!

Thank you very much! I'm not leaving anything to chance.

Or, worse, to you.

I'm bringing in an expert.

Huh? We're bein' replaced?

That is correct, sirs.

I've used you to attack Hercules from the outside.

This time I'm going to attack him from the inside.

Could you lose the whistle? It's really demeaning.

Boys, meet my newest evil minion...

Neurosis.

I've got a little job for you.

Uh-huh. Yeah, well, I mean, yeah, sure.

I mean, hey, look. Look at me. I'm... I'm-I'm flattered.

I-I want to do it, but, hey, you know, suppose I fail?

I mean, then you'll hate me. Of course, you know, if I succeed,

you'll just expect even more of me the next time.

It's, uh... it's getting dark, isn't it?

I... I don't know. Maybe it's just me, but...

Breathe. Breathe.

He's a mess!

And he's going to mess with Hercules' mind.

Hera! Come out of there!

You can't stay in there forever!

I'm not coming out until you apologize!

For being busy? Forget it!

Zeus. Bro. From god house to doghouse?

This isn't a good time, Hades.

Hey, I'm sure it isn't. And that's why I'm here.

What are you talking about?

Hey. You're my brother. We're blood... If I had any.

It pains me to see you and Hera like this. I wanna help.

Well, maybe you can talk some sense into her.

We're supposed to be at a party for Hercules,

And she won't come out of her room so I can tell her.

Oh, I should just forget the party.

I'm not in the mood, anyway.

I'd probably just ruin it for Hercules.

I've got to work off some of this anger!

Where are my thunderbolts?

Hera?

Knocky-knocky.

Hades?

What are you doing here?

Ah, I'm just keepin' you company,

Now that my brother the brute left you.

Left me?

Where's he going?

Oh, cloud hopping with Bacchus.

Said he couldn't stand being on the same cirrus with you.

Can you imagine that?

He said that?

Oh, well, I'm sure he didn't mean it.

I can't believe he said half the terrible things he said about you.

Wha... what terrible things?

Let's put on some nectar. We'll talk, OK? You got some decaf?

This is going to be fantastic.

So? Whaddya think, kid? Great send-off, huh?

Wow! You invited half of Athens.

And half of olympus, too, includin' your folks.

Heh heh! This should impress them.

My folks? They're coming here?

Wow. They don't party with mortals very often.

I don't see 'em anywhere.

They'll be here. Don't worry.

Gods gotta make an entrance, ya know.

They're not coming.

- Parents. Go figure. - Who are you?

Well, identity is such a complicated issue.

I mean, there's the "me" I think I am, the "me" people see me as,

And no two people see me the same way, so I'm a multiple personality.

It's huge.

Uh... I just wanted your name.

Neurosis. And you must be the guest of honor...

Hercules, hero-in-training.

Although you shouldn't be so sure about the hero part.

Your parents aren't, apparently.

- What do you mean by that? - Ahh, parents expect us

to make something of ourselves. I mean,

the pressure can be crippling. But do they ever really believe in us?

Ohhh... I'm beginning to wonder.

Take you, for instance. If your folks really thought

you were ready to battle the man-eating mares, wouldn't they be here for you?

Talk about abandonment issues.

Ladies, gentlemen, gods, and goddesses...

attention.

You've all been very patient waiting

for two unfashionably late gods...

who happen to be omniscient.

But can't remember what time the party starts. Ha ha.

So, without further ado,

I present a scrummy little dessert

I whipped up for this special occasion.

Wow! Look at that!

And now if our guest of honor would cut the first slice...

Go, Herc! Go, Herc! Go, Herc! Go!

Another dessert ruined!

You know, I just make it look easy.

Ooh, bad break.

Oh... and a bad omen, when you think about it.

What are you getting at now?

Well, come on. If you can't cut the cake,

how you gonna cut the mustard?

Or the mares, as the case may be. Oh, boy.

- I mean, just a thought. You know. - Oh, man.

Zeus, gosh, um,

you must be tired after all that venting, huh?

You know what? I'll warm up your sheet, too.

What's the meaning of this?

Hey, hey, I'm just the messenger, babe.

Hera's orders. So you apologize, OK?

Here's your little teddybolt.

This is outrageous!

I'm the lord of the universe!

I'm not sleeping on that sofa.

Oh, I should just apologize.

Maybe I was wrong.

Lord of the universe... Apologize?

Are you kidding? Isn't that kinda showing a sign of weakness?

Take "omnipotent" off your business card, babe.

- You're right. - Tell you what.

Why don't you crash at my pad, huh?

I know it's a little gloomy down there,

but you need some, if you'll pardon the pun, downtime.

You know what I mean?

Leave? That seems kind of extreme.

Trust me, this'll help.

Hey, and you know what?

I'll stay here and I'll talk some sense into her.

Well, OK. Thanks, little brother.

You are being sincere, aren't you?

This had better not be one of your evil schemes.

Ouch. You know, it's that kind of attitude

that gets you in jams like this.

You need, really need, to work on your people skills. OK?

Uh, you're right.

Sorry, Hades.

Ahh, that's OK.

Hey, takes a lot to make me hot.

Ha ha. And I am just warming up.

Ha ha ha!

So, this is the Prometheus Academy.

Interesting. Wow.

Hey, get out of my backpack, would you?

And what do you mean by "interesting"?

Well, it's just that, come on, isn't this a school for mortals?

Well, yeah. So?

"So"? Come on, what do you mean, "so"?

So, if your parents were really interested

in preparing you for a future on Olympus,

don't you think they would have sent you

to a school for gods? Come on.

Oh, I-I never thought of it like that.

Yeah, well, come on, I mean, I'm sure there's a perfectly good explanation.

You know, maybe they're just, uh,

I don't know, covering their bets.

Bets? Yeah, you know, maybe they're thinking

that if you fail as a hero,

then at least you're prepared for life as a common mortal.

You'll be fine. Or, uh, who knows?

Maybe they secretly wanted a girl.

But hey, what do I know? Look at me.

They are disappointed with me.

Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey.

Oh. Hades... Good morning.

I wondered where Zeus slept last night.

He never came to bed.

Oh, actually, he never came home. That's where I slept. Toast?

What?

He can be such a big baby sometimes.

When he gets home, we're going to have a serious talk about this.

He has to know he cannot take me for granted.

Good. Good for you.

You know, I may be stepping on your goddess-of-marriage toes here,

But don't you think action might speak louder than words?

What kind of action?

Maybe to appreciate you fully, maybe Zeus needs to know

what it's like to live without you,

like, say, come home to an empty cloud.

That seems rather extreme.

True. True. But can Zeus not be a little thick sometimes?

No need to tell me.

Hmm. Perhaps you're right.

I'll just go and stay with my mother for a few days.

That should get his attention.

Say hi to momsey for me. Ba-da-bing.

I am smokin'.

Aah!

Wow, this is high up.

Am I getting a nose bleed?

Would you just go away?

I got to tell you, heights really bother me, man.

One slip, ouch.

Bones can snap like that and take months to heal.

If they set right.

And if they don't, they're like calcium time bombs

waiting to snap again.

But, hey, you know, you're the hero type.

What do you care? Good luck.

Whoa!

Aah!

Aah!

What's with the swan dive, kid?

Oh. I was pushed.

Sure you were. And if Pegasus was a man-eating mare,

he'd be grazing on your hide right now.

I was pushed. There's this guy who keeps poppin' up. He's up...

Hey, where'd he go?

Herc, you got to keep your wits about you.

You're enterin' the big leagues.

Seein' things is not good.

I'm not seeing things. I can do this.

You, uh, wanted to see me, Hades?

Didn't think I'd find you here.

Hangin' for the weekend?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. A long weekend, yeah.

My change-of-domain card.

You're moving in with Zeus and Hera? Kooky.

Well, actually, I'm filling in.

Ah, you might as well know.

Zeus and Hera split.

The cosmic couple?

Booking a gig in divorce court?

Yeah, I'm just sick about this. Just sick about it.

Hey, but whatcha gonna do? Can't look back.

Gotta keep the universe runnin'.

So, call a meeting of the gods. Need to powwow on this pronto, OK, babe?

We need a bigger rope.

How many man-eating mares are in a herd, exactly?

I don't know.

Come on, what? A dozen? Hundreds? Thousands?

What's that little symbol for infinity?

Whichever, you're outnumbered.

Oopsy. I don't like these odds.

I'm outta here, man.

Which will make the odds worse for you,

but, hey, you're prepared.

Your sandal's untied.

Hey, did you see another guy out there?

I got a bad feelin' about this.

Poor Zeus and Hera.

If only I had a recipe for happiness.

Hestia, honey, this is gonna take more than a bundt cake. OK?

People! We need to pull together on this one, people.

We need to keep things going

until Zeus and Hera can spackle their spat.

I would do anything to help them.

That's the spirit. You know what?

You could cover the marriage department for Hera.

Oh, bake a few wedding cakes, whatever.

And of course, we'll need someone to fill in for Zeus,

Handle all those responsibilities,

Carry the weight of the world.

Someone who can take the heat!

Aah! Oh!

Oh, man, am I gonna have nightmares about this.

Forget about it.

By the way, are your affairs in order, really?

I mean, any next of kin I should notify?

I mean, I'll do you a favor. You're history, baby.

Get lost, would you?

Whoa!

Aah! Aah!

We got to do somethin', or the kid's horse chow.

Kid, give it up! You're outmatched!

Call for divine intervention!

Oh, Hera, how did we let this tiff get so out of hand?

Even the lord of the universe

isn't too big to say he's sorry.

Father, help me! I need you!

Hercules?

He's never beseeched me with that tone before.

He must be in real trouble.

Where'd I park that cloud?

Cerberus, put down that cloud, or you'll...

Bad dog!

Oh, now how am I going to get out of this bachelor pit?

Wait a minute. Ha! That's it.

I'm a god. I can be omnipresent.

Father, please, help!

Please!

I'm comin', son!

Get away from him, ya glue wad!

Snack on somethin' else!

What am I sayin'?

Help! Some god, help! Zeus! Hera!

Beseeching all gods!

What the... Do you mind?

We're in an emergency session here. Come on.

We got an emergency session right here!

Help!

Ooh, when you're hot, you're hot. Hee hee hee.

Hercules! Son, are you all right?

I'll be fine.

How come you're here like that?

Long story.

Hercules, you're hurt.

What are you doing out here?

I-I was tryin' to make you proud.

You've been so disappointed in me lately.

Whatever gave you that idea?

We're always proud of you.

It was your father I was disappointed with.

Now, Hera, don't drag him into this.

Into what?

We've been having a little tiff, that's all.

Weren't we, honey?

Yes, we were.

I'm sorry I forgot our anniversary, dear.

I guess I let my job distract me.

I'm sorry, too.

Sometimes I forget how busy you are.

So, you weren't mad at me?

I didn't have to do this?

No, dear.

We're sorry we let our spat get so out of hand it involved you.

Well, to be honest,

It wouldn't have gotten so out of hand

if you hadn't forced me to sleep on the sofa.

I did no such thing.

You left me to go cloud hopping with Bacchus.

I did not!

But Hades said... Hades...

What have you been up to?

Ha ha ha. You know, one day we'll look back on this and laugh.

And I'll be back that one day.

Let me give you a lift back home.

Uh, speaking of lifts back home, sweetie,

Could you zip down to the underworld and pick me up?

I feel like I've failed you. I really do.

- I'm sorry. I apologize. - Put a cork in it. OK?