Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

- ♪ What a guy ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Ask his friends ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

- ♪ Hercules ♪ - ♪ Ah, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Come on ♪ - ♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

After striving his whole life to return to Olympus,

Hercules turned down immortality in favor of a mortal life on Earth.

With the woman he loved, Megara.

Uh, Bobby, baby, aren't you getting a little ahead of yourself?

Our show is about Hercules in his teenage years.

Bear with me, ladies, please, just this once.

All right, Bob, but there better be some teen shenanigans in this.

Yes, yes, we'll be getting jiggy with the boy, I assure you.

Hercules and Megara lived happily ever after,

but what happens after "ever after"?

Well, they settled down in Thebes.

Actually, it was a suburb of Thebes.

Thebes proper was no place to raise a family.

Oh, yeah, that one goes up there with the others.

Uh, you know what? Allow me.

Ah. There.

Gee, that's real... subtle.

Oh, yeah? You like it?

I thought we could use some of my hero mementos to, you know, decorate the place.

Herc, you've, um, managed to erect a hero monument in every room.

I'm sorry, honey. I just, you know, want you to be proud of me.

You big ox, I don't need statues to remind me how great you are.

I've got the real thing.

Where do you all want this one?

Oops.

Huh. What is this stuff? It says "Prometheus Acad..."

Oh, no!

Hermes.

Yo, babe.

Take this back to Phil's island, will you?

Hey, isn't this, uh... Now.

Whoo. Touchy.

Epsilon Haul-It moving company won't be held responsible

for any items lost due to divine intervention.

Oh, yeah, no problem. That's, uh, uh, that's great.

Ah, well, let's get back to...

Not so fast, bicep boy. What's in the jar?

In the uh... Nothing.

Fine. I'll just catch up with Hermes And see for myself.

No, no, wait, uh, I'll tell you.

It's just filled with some dumb stuff from... high school, that's all.

High school? I have got to...

Oh, no, no. No, no. I mean, we, uh, we got so much left to unpack.

So, you know, let's forget all about the high school stuff

and, and get back to work 'cause... you know, hon?

What are you hiding, wonder boy?

Hey, Meg, I'm going to need your opinion here.

Aw, come on.

You're not mad just because I wouldn't let you look at that stupid urn?

Pegasus! No, she wouldn't.

She couldn't.

She did.

Tell me you're not taking the scenic route.

Looking for something, sister?

When Hermes showed up with this, I figured you wouldn't be far behind.

Score one for the satyr.

I don't get it, Phil. What's the big secret?

Well, high school wasn't exactly the most graceful period of Herc's life.

He's kind of embarrassed about it.

Aw, how bad could it have been?

Bad.

D'oh!

Oy! He was a one-man hurricane.

A-ha!

Here it is, the Prometheus Academy yearbook.

Now let's see, Hercules, Hercules...

Hey, give the kid a break. They took that on his first day of school.

So, Phil, what was it like raising a wonder boy?

What was it like? Sisyphus got off easy compared to me.

Oh, come on. Herc's been a boy scout his whole life.

He couldn't have been that much trouble.

Oh, no? What would you say if I told you he sank this island?

I'd say tell me more.

Well, as I remember it...

Bye-bye.

I was out of town for the weekend and Herc got it in his head to have a party.

The whole island to myself!

So, uh, what do you want to do first?

Of course, he couldn't pull it off

without a little divine intervention.

Bacchus, uh, wait.

If you're not too busy tonight, could you liven up my party?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You know, make it more of a bacchanal.

The son of Zeus? Are you kidding?

I'm there. It's party time.

Lend me your ears.

♪ Here's an open invitation ♪

♪ To the finest feast in Greece ♪

♪ It's an awesome celebration ♪

♪ Guaranteed to disturb the peace ♪

♪ It's a jamming extravaganza ♪

♪ With a hot cucaracha beat, whoo ♪

♪ You don't need to ask directions ♪

♪ No, no, just follow your dancing feet ♪

♪ At the bacchanal It's a non-stop party ♪

Oh, look at me. I'm dancing!

♪ The biggest smash that Bacchus has ever thrown ♪

Whoo!

♪ People wall to wall ♪

♪ Gonna party hardy ♪

Hey!

♪ We'll boogie to the beat till the sheep come home ♪

♪ Grapes juice you'll snatch up straight from the fountain ♪

♪ Shake it up and slide down the mountain ♪

♪ Strike a pose so everyone knows you're cool ♪

♪ Grip those hips and move to the conga ♪

♪ Steal a kiss, scream "cowabunga!" ♪

♪ Mosh pit meltdown ♪

Everyone in the pool! Me first.

♪ At the bacchanal It's a non-stop party ♪

Boom! Boom!

♪ The biggest bash that Bacchus has ever thrown... ♪

Herc's bacchanal was a big hit.

Unfortunately for Herc, Poseidon likes his beauty rest.

♪ You're sure to have a ball at the bacchanal ♪

Oh, poor Herc. He must have felt like the king of the dorks.

Oh, no, no, no.

That honor went to his best friend Icarus.

Oh, uh, Herc told me about him.

He's the kid who flew too close to the sun, right?

Bingo.

Yeah, he looks a little geeky, but he at least had a girlfriend, right?

Icarus thought he had a girlfriend.

Cassandra didn't quite see it that way.

Ah!

Any last requests?

Yes, I request the opportunity

to recite a love poem I wrote for my sweet Cassandra.

I request you gag him immediately.

Your gallows humor.

So apropos to this moment.

Hey, the Argonauts of the Aegean ride!

Come, my sweet.

Let us set sail with the wildest crew

that ever sought a sacred shag. Yar!

Wait. Is this that underground boat ride in the dark?

Really dark. Give you any ideas?

Yeah, nobody will see me push you overboard. Let's go.

The ladies go wild for sardine and onion breath.

Isn't that right, honey?

Oh, loveykins, you ever see a guy bring up a whole date smoothie through his nose?

Please, watch.

Ta-da!

You know, baby, if you ever wanted me out of your life,

I love you enough that I would get right out.

- Get out. - Like a bat out of the underworld,

- you could color me gone. - Leave. Get out. Go.

I mean, if you love something, you set it free, right?

Icarus was one odd kid.

So what ever happened to him?

He went into manufacturing with his dad and made a fortune.

You've probably seen his ads, "Icarus the wax wing king."

And Cassandra?

She got recruited by the Oracle friends network.

Now they call her the psychic cynic to the stars.

Whoa! I had forgotten all about this.

What?

No, I don't think so. I've shown you too much already.

Come on, Phil. It can't be that bad.

Oh, no. This is different.

If the kid knew I showed you this...

Right. What could be more embarrassing than sinking your island?

Well, how about... No!

This.

Herc, so glad you could make it.

So, are we going to have story time or do I have to shear your little pal?

It's not my fault. She made me do it. I take no responsibility, and... Uh...

I'm out of here.

Oh, Meg, how could you?

Oh, can you blame a girl

for wanting to know what her man was like in his wonder boy years?

All right. You win. But I warn you, it isn't pretty.

It was intern week and I thought I landed the coolest job ever at Gyro Wurld.

And, finally, Hercules, spawn of Zeus, Shall report to Gyro Wurld.

Yes! I get to work at hero world.

Not "hero," "Gyro Wurld," home of the tasty lamb sandwich.

Where our slogan is...

Make mine mutton.

Yes! You're a natural.

Oh, mutton boy?

Oops.

Ah! I can't take this anymore. I quit.

- Oh, don't quit. - That would be bad.

My father backed me up 100%.

He even got me a better job, driving Apollo's chariot.

If it makes you happy,

I'll assume full responsibility for his actions.

Apollo, you have nothing to worry about.

Whoa! See you later.

Of course, I couldn't resist showing off.

- Whoo-hoo! Adonis! - What?

How's this for a job?

That's when Hades made his move.

Target acquired and vectored in.

Oh, no.

How should I know where the sun is?

You think I'm omniscient or something?

Yes.

I don't want to say, you know, that you're falling down on the job,

but, hey, timber!

You know, I wouldn't be surprised if these guys call for a no-confidence vote

and put some, you know, deserving god up

as a replacement for you, you know, some guy, like, uh...

A replacement? Forget it, Hades.

I'm Zeus, lord of Olympus,

and my fellow gods would never vote to unseat me, right?

All right, enough chitchat. Let's rock the vote.

Herc, you got to get out of there.

You can't have more than 10 seconds

before the whole thing blows sky-high, baby.

Things looked pretty dark for a while,

but it all worked out in the end.

Hey, but wasn't this an interesting experiment in democracy?

Really, folks, huh?

Zeus, come on, baby. No, don't do anything rash

'cause I'm, you know, I'm your baby brother.

I'm your little kid brother.

Remember those games we used to play?

How about this one? Run away as fast as you can.

Lost suns, sinking islands,

wow, your teen years made for a real shindig, Herc.

Yeah, there was always some disaster around the corner.

So, this is the real reason you didn't want me to see this stuff.

Uh-oh. Well, her name was Galatea.

Oh, she's beautiful, perfect.

Beautiful? Yes. Perfect? No.

You see, the Aphrodisia Dance was coming up

and I... I couldn't get a date.

Then Icarus and I had an idea.

Finished.

Hey, you were going for a gorgon?

Uh, well, Aphrodite will get the idea.

We made a woman out of clay and summoned Aphrodite.

♪ Aphrodite ♪

So what can I do for you?

Uh, ha ha, could you bring her to life, please?

I, uh, need a date for the dance.

Ooh. All right, I'm thinking makeover.

OK, good. A... A little more curvy?

Uh, OK, that's curvy enough for you, young man.

That's it. She's perfect.

Oh, thank you, Aphrodite.

Aren't you forgetting something?

The corsage!

Hello? Her personality?

Oh, I hadn't thought about that.

Uh, just make her, uh, crazy about me.

Digging deep, huh? OK, here's your dream date.

Hercules, meet Galatea.

She's everything you've asked for.

Uh, hi.

Hi.

She made Galatea exactly what I wanted her to be.

Oh, yeah, she's a keeper.

And that's where it all went wrong.

Galatea, let me tell you. Hercules is so kind and cute.

He's a total doll.

She's already making friends with Helen.

Look at Hercules again and I will rip out your vocal cords.

Okey-dokey.

It's an insult to the gods to award this honor to Jercules.

I won't have you talking to Hercules like that.

Galatea, put Adonis down.

I don't want you to hurt him.

You don't? Well, OK, then.

Oh, I would never, ever do anything to displease you.

Galatea, we've got to talk.

You're a nice girl,

perfect, even, in some ways,

but I don't think this is working out.

Is it me? 'Cause I... I can change.

Would you like me taller? Shorter?

Something more exotic?

I'm sorry, Galatea, but it's over.

It can't be over!

No, I won't let you go. Don't you understand?

I'm crazy about you.

Come with me, if you want to live.

I'm back! Miss me?

Hercules, you... me... dance... now.

Sorry, Galatea, but I'm sitting this one out.

Please, please, don't panic. Get out of my way.

Don't play hard-to-get.

Galatea!

Oh!

Fortunately, Aphrodite fixed everything, sort of.

Trouble with the little lady, Hercules?

Galatea deserved better. She deserved to be her own person.

Galatea, I'm sorry. May I have this dance?

Oh, Hercules, that would be wonderful

if I felt that way about you, which I don't, and I'm sorry,

but you know what? It's not you, it's me.

You made a woman out of clay?

I... I was a teenage boy.

It seemed like a really good idea.

But, you know, as disastrous as that was,

that was nothing compared to graduation day.

And so as you head out into the world,

your hearts are filled with dreams and expectations,

mostly because you're woefully ignorant of the dismal job market.

Everyone was gathered for the commencement ceremony,

everyone except me.

I'm going to be late for graduation.

I'm going to be late for graduation.

Oh, man, I can't be late for graduation.

But I finally made it just in time.

And so your high school education comes to a glorious conclusion,

except for Adonis, who is one credit short and will have to attend summer school.

I now pronounce you all Prometheus Academy graduates.

Yahoo!

Oops.

I, uh, bet you don't get invited back for alumni weekends.

See? This is why I didn't want you to see any of this stuff.

Now you're going to think of me as that geeky loser.

I want you to think of me as I am now, a hero.

Oh, you big lug. So you went through an awkward phase.

You know what? It made you the hero you are today.

♪ You were awkward in high school ♪

♪ A little unsure ♪

♪ Had a case of the clumsies that needed a cure ♪

♪ But the most precious gems have their roots in the rough ♪

♪ Just like my hero ♪

♪ The man that I love ♪

♪ Made a number of blunders But haven't we all? ♪

♪ Still you always worked wonders ♪

♪ With your back to the wall ♪

♪ Though I'm duly impressed ♪

♪ With this fisticuff stuff ♪

♪ It's just a small part of ♪

♪ The man that I love ♪

♪ There have been hits, a few misses ♪

♪ One or two in-betweens ♪

♪ A couple of kisses ♪

♪ And some devilish dreams ♪

♪ You've fought monstrous battles ♪

♪ Made some narrow escapes ♪

♪ But I'm much more in awe of your character traits ♪

♪ 'Cause you're gentle and kind ♪

♪ And you never give up ♪

♪ This is what makes you ♪

♪ The man that I love ♪

♪ I thank Zeus for this gift ♪

♪ From Olympus above ♪

♪ My number one hero ♪

♪ The man that I love ♪

Special delivery.

What's that?

Well, when I figured out what you were up to,

I sent Hermes on a special mission to retrieve...

your high school yearbook.

No, you wouldn't.

Aw, come on, Meg.

There can't be anything embarrassing in your past, can there?

Oh, well, lookie here.

Our little Megara was a... A cheerleader!

Give me that.

- Ha! Look at your hair. - That was the style of the time.

Uh, you were in the Glee Club?