Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in Gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

- ♪ What a guy ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Ask his friends ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

- ♪ Hercules ♪ - ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Come on ♪ - ♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

What is that?

I just serve 'em, sonny.

Ew! Looks kind of gross!

Don't you even think it!

What is with everybody today?

It's like cupid went nuts in here.

He did. You just missed it.

Thank Zeus I had a shield.

Oh, man! I'm always missing out.

Haven't we done this

whole no-girlfriend pity-party thing before?

Herc, take a tip from Dr. Love.

You can't force the romance.

Physician, heal thyself.

What? Am I sick?

More than you know, but go on.

Right. You can't put love in a headlock

and just wrestle it down.

You got to let love come to you.

Before you know it,

that special someone will fall right into your lap.

Oh!

Well, I was thinking of someone less scaly,

but what counts is that you two are happy.

Hi.

Hey.

Ugh!

Whoa!

Got you.

Ooh, big man...

Your heroics beat the sea snake into submission,

but that's how the city-state

maintains the balance of power, isn't it?

Heroes keep the sea snakes in line, right?

Uh yeah.

And... a-and I caught you, too.

A word to the wise, hero...

I'm no damsel in distress.

Oh, wow!

She's awesome.

Get her out of your mind. You're not Electra's type.

Electra? Y-you know her?

Yeah. She's a transfer student from Macedonia.

Ooh, Macedonia...

Home of grunge poetry and the pomegranate-juice craze.

Edgy.

Oh, y-you got to introduce me! Please!

Bad idea. Electra would never go for a wonder boy like you.

She's not into that.

Well, what is she into?

The pummeled pomegranate... It's an underground club.

I hang here a lot.

What? I've never been here.

I like to think of it as my home away from you.

Whoa!

Somebody needs to turn these frowns upside down!

If I had to call this song anything,

I think I'd name it "dirge of a broken lute,"

you know what I mean?

But I don't like names, you know?

They're just too limiting, you know?

I don't like fences, you know?

Oh, yeah, this reaches me.

Groove to the scene, man, but don't bogart the vibe.

Let us all ride it.

I can't understand a word they're saying.

Aw, Herc, you just have to know their lingo.

Watch and learn, baby. Watch and learn.

Argh, Matey!

Me hearties be lookin' for a spot of bilge water.

Can you be directin' us?

♪ Yargh hargh-a-larg argh... ♪

What's the story with this dork?

♪ Yargh g-g-gaye ♪

Oh sorry. We just, uh... sorry.

Unhand me, you scurvy dog!

♪ Hargh-a-larg argh G-g-gargh ga-lee gaye ♪

Cassandra, the damsel of doom. The usual?

Sure.

♪ Hargh-a-larg argh... ♪

What? You have a usual?

Who are the wannabes?

Stoolies here to check out the Electra scene.

Two more juices for them.

Got it.

Three tall pummeled pomegranates, hold the seeds.

Um, excuse me, ma'am, instead of pomegranate juice,

could I please just have a glass of milk instead?

Pfft! Helps you build strong bones, right?

Yeah. I'm a hero in training, you know?

Eh, whatever. Pfft!

Did I say something wrong?

Look... Here heroes are nerds, squares, dweebs.

Gee! Really?

Thanks for proving my point.

Look, if you want to make this scene,

you got to tone down the "power of positive thinking" routine.

Oh, I can do that!

I-I am so grim. I am.

Thar she blows!

It's Electra!

S-should I go over there,

or should I send a pomegranate juice over to her table?

What do I do?

You kick yourself.

Kick myself? Why?

Because you're too late.

Electra...

It bums me to see you sitting here alone.

We're all alone.

It's the nature of this cruel existence.

Well, maybe we could try being alone together.

Oh, man!

No, see, I like the kind of alone where I'm actually alone.

Really?

We'll give it another 45 minutes just to make sure.

I don't think she likes him.

Oh, come on, Electra.

Maybe we can find some meaning in this meaningless universe...

Together.

I happen to like my universe meaningless.

Now step off.

That guy just doesn't get it.

Ix-nay on the Ero-hay.

Electra doesn't dig the "knight in shining chiton" routine.

Well, if the universe has no meaning,

then there's no meaning in the word "no."

Then try these words... bail, loser!

Ugh! Wicked storm!

Hey, everybody, fury attack!

Uh, not that I care or anything.

I can't ignore this.

You guys stay here where it's safe.

Aye, Matey! Keelhaul the lot of 'em!

Um, he's visiting from Persia.

Furies, as a hero in training, I order you...

Hey, let me go!

Whoa!

Huh?

Ow! Hey!

Cut it out!

Stop it! Ugh!

That wasn't so hard.

Oh, great.

Ahhh!

Aye, that be a fruity eye-opener!

♪ Hargh-a-larg argh G-g-gaye ga-dee gaye... ♪

I'll never show my face here again.

Psst, Cassandra, Icarus!

What are you doing?

I'm a mess.

Electra can't see me like this. Come on, come on, we got to go.

Hey, cool threads.

Where'd you get them, secondhand, twice as nice?

No, I don't buy used clothes!

Remember? She's not impressed with the impressive stuff.

Go get her, you salty sea dog!

Uh, I mean... Why shop, uh, secondhand

when you can find, like, so many good clothes in the garbage?

I'm Hercules.

Yeah. Electra.

Uh, listen, I go to Prometheus.

It's a pretty oppressive tool of the system... I know...

But maybe I'll see you there sometime.

Oh, that'd be... Uh, you know, OK, I guess,

You know, if nothing else comes up, maybe.

OK, cool, maybe.

Batten down the hatches!

Full speed ahead for love, Matey!

That was pretty good.

You looked really tormented there.

I know, I know, I sensed it, too!

It felt so wrong, it just had to be right!

Oh, come on, she's as good as yours, buddy!

All you have to do is not be yourself.

What do you think, guys?

Huh.

Uh, go like this.

You got a little olive spread on your chin.

It's not olive spread, Icarus, it's a goatee!

Facial hair is a sign of edginess.

Actually, it's a sign of puberty.

Hercules, I don't need a vision

to tell me this isn't a good idea.

Hey, wait, here she comes!

Better wipe that interested look off your face.

Hey, Hercules, right?

I guess.

Help me out here... I'm doing a show

at the pummeled pomegranate, and on the off chance

that anyone here is cool enough to handle it,

I want to put these posters up.

Well, that's against school rules.

I know. How cool is that?

We'll chip away at the corrupt school administration

from within their own walls.

Radical, huh?

Uh, yeah, radical.

Miss Electra, Mr. Hercules,

The rules are very clear...

Or at least this one is... No unapproved signs in the halls

or anywhere else, for that matter.

Yeah, we know.

Uh, what she said.

Still, I suppose I can allow some leniency... this time.

Take down the posters, get a shave,

and I'll overlook the whole incident... Probably.

Phew!

That was close.

Oppressive tyrant.

Pardon me? Would you care to repeat that, young lady?

I'd be glad to.

I called you an oppressive tyrant.

You treat us like we have no right to free expression.

Well, you don't.

You might've thought you did, but you don't...

Not on school grounds. Sorry.

Uh, Electra, maybe we should just let this go, huh?

No, no, the system uses its rules

to suppress an artistic voice like mine.

If this is what your artistic voice has to say,

then it deserves to be suppressed...

Immediately if not sooner.

Yeah, yeah, just the answer I'd expect

from the corrupt establishment's excuse of a man.

Again?

Without rules, this school would be completely overrun

with common criminals, not to mention substandard art.

I would think you of all people would know this, Mr. Hercules.

Um... what I know or don't know

doesn't change what you know I know, right?

So, like why say what I know?

Exactly. Besides, you know what?

This school could use a little anarchy.

Do you have any idea what you're suggesting?

Aaah!

Aaah!

I got to watch for that move.

Oh, I can't believe that!

That is just the kind of wigged-out statement I'd expect

from a sellout like you, right, Hercules?

Uh... what I feel or don't feel

doesn't change what you feel I'm feeling, right?

So... So why say what I feel?

Don't drag him into this.

Hercules is generally a model student...

Clumsiness not withstanding.

OK, buddy, go on, go on, tear down our posters!

I don't care, because you know what?

You will never, ever crush our spirit, right, Hercules?

I think I might agree with that.

If you want spirit in school, become a cheerleader...

If you can muster the cheer, that is.

All I'm asking... and it's not much...

Is that you act like a courteous school citizen.

Well, then you know what? I reject my school citizenship.

Just deport me.

I've had quite enough... And a little more even then.

You two will spend all of next week in detention.

That should nip your extremist notions in the bud.

Whatever.

Well, then good day.

And so ends the great leniency experiment.

Oh, man! Phil's gonna kill me.

Detention? This is perfect.

We'll be martyrs for the cause of artistic rights.

It's a badge of honor, Hercules.

You know, you are so cool

for having the courage to stand up to the man.

Uh, yeah, I stood all right.

You did. Hercules, you did.

So, look, will you be at my show tonight?

If only hope weren't a useless emotion,

I'd hope you'd be there.

Yeah... I-I mean, uh, you know, I might make the scene.

I don't know. We'll see.

Cool. I'll see you there... maybe.

Herc, what's happening, my fury-fighting friend?

Only the most unprecedented event in modern history...

A girl asked me on a date!

Hey, outstanding, my man...

Or as the club kids might say, "Argh, Matey!"

And all you had to do was deny everything you're about.

Electra doesn't like you,

she likes what you're pretending to be.

Oh, pish posh... Mere technicalities.

All I know is it's working. Why mess with it?

Yeah? There I go, making sense again,

Just like every other time I warn you

that you're doing something that invariably turns out stupid.

She actually asked me out!

Yes, sir! That's right, baby!

You are a love machine!

There's precious little in this miserable existence

that doesn't make me sick.

Hercules is one of those things.

This poem is for him.

She likes me!

I am the antihero. I ask, "Who wouldn't be?"

Their triumphs equal zero. Their ships get lost at sea.

Jason chased a hopeless quest, Achilles was a heel.

If Perseus was the best,

then, my friend, we need a whole new deal.

Uh-oh, we're losing Herc.

The clashing, the bashing, the thrashing...

And when it's all done, tell me, who has lost...

And who has truly won?

I'll tell you who wins... you do.

Heroes put their lives on the line every day

so you can sit around sipping your sour juice

and talk like a bunch of freaks.

The least you could do is be grateful.

Hercules, what are you talking about?

I'm talking about this whole scene, Electra.

I guess I just don't get it.

I mean, it's the middle of the night

and I'm wearing sunglasses!

I wanted you to like me, but you want some guy

who thinks everything stinks, not a hero in training.

Hero in training?

You're one of those muscle-bound Jacksandaled thugs

who struts around on a pretty white horse?

Well, actually, I fly around on a white horse.

Look, I'm sorry.

I should have leveled with you sooner.

That might have been the thing to do, instead of lying!

I just thought that if you got to know me...

Yeah? Well, how is that supposed to happen

when you're acting like somebody else?

Furies? Again?

I mean, again again?

Avast, ye Matey, it be time to abandon ship!

Oh, darn it!

There goes another one of Herc's crushes down the drain!

Oh! Why can't he find a perfect love like ours?

Just lucky, I guess.

Angst from above! Help!

OK, gang, we are under a fury attack.

Now, I need everyone to form a single-file line

in an orderly manner.

Hello? Guys?

Wow, you're really a reassuring presence to the masses.

Hey, what are you doing?

Let me go, you overbearing tool of oppression!

Electra, you don't believe heroes are good guys?

Well, I'm gonna show you how wrong you are.

No, wait!

I know you think heroes are a bunch of dumb lunkheads

who never think about what they're doing,

But that is just not true!

Hercules, put me down! I don't want to go!

Sorry, Electra. This is for your own safety.

See? I know what I'm doing.

No, you don't, glory boy! These are my...

Duck!

Yahoo!

Ha ha! See? Isn't this more fun

than hanging out in some dark, dank club?

No, it's not, Hercules!

Read my lips... These furies are... whoa!

They keep coming after me. Must be because I'm a hero.

Oh, yeah, right, it's all about you, isn't it?

Now, aren't you glad a hero like me was around

to save you from those vicious monsters?

Thrilled.

Look around, hero.

Uh-oh.

Don't worry, Electra, I'll protect you till my last breath.

Ugh! You just don't get it!

They're not after me, they're my furies!

They come from me! My anger creates them!

But the first time they attacked was...

When that jerk hit on you.

And the next time

was when Mr. Parenthesis took down your posters.

This is me?

Bingo. This is you.

You're this mad?

Oh, yeah.

So a good thing for me to do

would be maybe let you calm down?

You know what? You're not even worth my rage.

Look, um, if you see me at school,

please act like you don't know me.

Electra, wait.

You've got a darkness in you.

It's bad, but we can beat it... You and me, together.

Hello! Ding-dong!

Did it ever occur to you that I might like my furies?

They give me my edge.

They're what separates me from sunny little squares like you.

Well, if looking for ways to make a positive difference

in the world makes me a square, then... then so be it!

I'm happy being a square!

Good, good! That's great!

I'm real happy for you, Hercules,

because that's what you are!

Ouch.

Well, fight to get the girl, get the girl.

Fight to lose the girl, lose the girl.

Fight the tears because you lost the girl.

Man, you are one complex hero!

I know.

I guess I should just keep it simple, be myself,

and someone's bound to like me,

and it's not a total loss.

My home away from Icarus was destroyed.

In what way is this not a total loss?

I met some different kind of people,

Heard some kooky poetry, fought some furies.

It was fun while it lasted.

You can put a positive spin on anything, can't you?

What can I say? That's just me.

Or as the club kids might say,

"Yargh, laddie, stay the course through the furious squalls!"

Yargh!

Yeah, that's just what they might say.

Mutiny says ye!

To the brig with all you lily-livered swabbies!

♪ Hargh-a-lee yargh g-g-gargh ga-lee gay ♪

♪ Hargh-a-lee yargh g-g-gaye ga-dee gaye ♪

♪ Ho-ga-lee go-ga-lee gaye ga-dee gay... ♪