Original subtitles

♪ Who put the glad in gladiator ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theatre ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor Hercules ♪

♪ What a guy ♪

♪ Ask his friends ♪

♪ Honey they won't lie ♪

♪ Oh Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Smart and shy ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one a zero zero ♪

♪ He'll never quit till he's a hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see.

The underworld...

Domain of Hades, Lord of the Dead.

A place of bleak, unrelieved misery

for all who dwell there.

I love it here!

[I Well, for most who dwell there.

This is the bestest place ever!

Okay, for some who dwell there.

If evil is in your future, there's nothing like...

a career in the underworld.

Bravo!

Bravissimo!

Oh, yeah! Class all the way!

Exactly. Couldn't have said it better myself.

So, hey. Let's make a deal.

You just sign here on the dotted line

and you are officially the newest member of...

Team Hades!

Take your time. Got all day.

Just let's make an "x" or something. Come on.

Lastragon not know.

Me still have to consider offer from Poseidon.

Poseidon?!

What, you wanna get paid in kelp?

Work for me and enjoy some real perks, okay?

You'll get to torture the dead, torture the undead...

Not to mention a 15% discount at the commissary.

And by the way, try the Apple Brown Betty.

Delish. So good.

And best of all, you'll get to attack my enemies.

Top-drawer, a-one enemies like... Hercules!

Herc... one side! One side! This is an emergency, curse you.

Icarus, what's the matter?

Which of these tuxes do you like on me for the prom?

Be brutal.

Uh, well... You're right. Both too tame.

Cassandra deserves better.

Cassandra said she'd go with you?

Well, not in so many words.

What words did she use?

Well, I think it was "somethin' somethin' somethin',

not in this lifetime, somethin' somethin' somethin'."

But I'm still in there pluggin'.

No more Geek City for me!

"Geek City"?

Yeah. You know how they talk.

"Icarus doesn't have a date for the prom!

"Last name Sir, first name Lou...

He's Mr. Lou Sir."

Well, that's not happening this year!

So, who are you going with?

Uh... um... I'm going with, uh...

Yeah, yeah. Gotta go. Sweet rejection awaits.

Oh, pumpkin?

I got somethin' to ask you again!

Leave me alone!

Hey, uh, hey, Tempest. How are you?

Sublime. I got an alpha-plus in metal shop for my broadsword.

It's called "The Widowmaker."

Hey, you know, uh, speaking of broadswords...

You know the prom's tomorrow?

You mean the annual exercise in idiocy?

Ha ha ha. Yeah.

I-I had this crazy idea

t-that maybe you and I might, um, want to, uh...

I mean, you know, ehhh... Go together.

An amazon has no need for overrated social rituals!

If I don't get a date for that overrated social ritual,

I'm gonna be completely humiliated.

Humiliated?

A warrior doesn't know the meaning of the word.

Yeah, I know, but... No!!

Is this stuff yours?

"Tiber Beat"?

"Greek Teen Scene"?

"Win a dream date with Orpheus"?

Orpheus!

Yes, Orpheus.

Golden-throated minstrel whose heavenly voice

could melt even the most vicious of hearts.

A singer of unsurpassed artistry.

A star of unrivalled...

Okay. We get the gist, Bob.

Can we get back to the story here?

Yes. Of course.

Just where did you get

all these glamour shots of Orpheus, anyway?

Well, I found them.

All right. Now you know my secret. I love Orpheus.

I can't get enough of that dreamboat.

It is my greatest shame.

If I were ever found out, I'd be...

- humiliated? - Yes.

So now you see why I need a date for the prom.

- Yes. - So, then, maybe you'll...

Not in this lifetime!

Herc, you'll just have to forget about Tempest.

How can I? She's my only hope to go to the prom.

Oh, pish posh.

There must be plenty of girls who don't have a date.

I bet Tempest would go to the prom if that Orpheus guy was playing.

Why would Orpheus play a stupid high-school prom?

I don't know. Couldn't hurt to ask him.

Dream on, Herc. The day Orpheus plays our prom

is the day I slow dance with Ignats over here.

Aah! Yes!

She said yes!

I did not.

Let the world know

that Cassandra will slow dance with me tomorrow night

because Hercules is bringing Orpheus to the prom!

I didn't say that!

All I said was Orpheus...

is going to play the prom tomorrow night!

I guarantee it.

Egads! It's a sad day when the youth of Athens worship a mere singer

rather than a warrior.

You get Orpheus, and I will be there on your arm!

Don't get him, and I'll cut off your arm.

Fair enough.

In... section... 11.

I sense some hesitation.

Come on, we got profit-sharing bonuses, annual cost-of-dying raises...

What do you want?

Thinkin', uh... oh!

Me want Orpheus!

Hey, you want Orpheus, you got it.

I'll get you two of 'em. Now... what's an Orpheus?

Oh! Orpheus' likes? Fun people.

Orpheus' pet peeve? Unfun people.

Let me see that!

Oy. Teen Idol. Oy, oy, oy.

You mean this Orpheus? Orpheus!

My pal, Orphy. Oh, my.

We're tight. He'll be here, no problemo.

Me get Orpheus!

Me happy now!

Me happy, too. Oy.

What is wrong with me?

I'll never get Orpheus to come to the prom.

Hey, buck up. Look what it says here.

"Orpheus loves his fans and likes to help worthy causes."

See? He sounds like a down-to-earth guy.

That's him!

- That's him? - Here's our chance.

Mr. Orpheus?

Who are you?

Mr. Orpheus, I'm a student with my... and my prom is tonight,

and I promised you'd come to it.

Or I'll be Mr. Lou Sir... Oh, yeah.

A-a-and I'm the son of Zeus, so could you please come

if you're free or something?

Um, no.

Oh, ah. Hey!

So, how'd it go?

Don't get him... and I'll cut off your arm.

So long, buddy. Have fun in Tempest's trophy case.

Oh, come on now, soldier.

You'll keep that mighty limb. There is no fail.

Be a man! Be strong!

Be tough!

Because I wanna dance with Cassandra!

And so, they didn't give up.

Instead, they forged on in their quest

to speak to the great one... Mr. Orpheus?

To succeed where countless others have failed.

Myself, I scored a backstage pass

and got to party in the pit!

Ooh, you go, Bob!

- Aah! - Aah!

Mr. Orpheus, please listen.

This is a matter of social life and death.

Please, just hear me out.

I think I said "no."

If you don't play my prom,

I'll never be able to show my face at school again!

Yeah, not to mention his arm!

That's your problem, isn't it?

Oh, yeah? Well, now it's your problem!

Get 'em!

I wouldn't! I've got a stringed instrument,

and I'm not afraid to use it!

Who are you?

Ah! Who am I?!

No, who are you, huh?! Who are you?!!

That young man came here with a simple wish.

And do you listen to him?

No! You just grunt and play your stupid glockenspiel.

Uh, Icarus, it's a Lyre.

No, that's a liar!

A big, fat, forget-the-fans-who-made-him

kind of liar!

You sing about the youth of today,

but what do you really know about it?

Don't answer, because we all know it's bupkis!

I'm glad you're not playin' our little prom.

And you wanna know why?

Because you're not worthy of it.

Good day, sir. I said good day.

- What was that?! - Reverse psychology.

- Wait. - Huh? See.

You, like... like, sort of...

I know, we finally got through to you

and showed you the error

of your cynically pampered, pop-star ways.

Yeah.

You're getting through to him?

Well, I can read between the "likes."

Operation room service.

Ready?

Hee hee. Ready.

Hoo-hoo!

I can't believe Orpheus is really gonna play our prom tonight!

Aaaah!

He's booked to play a what?

A prom.

It's a social function

where everyone dresses up and...

I know what a prom is, thank you!

Now, where is this prom?

You're not gonna like it.

Heh heh. Try me.

Told you.

I can't believe this!

The best young minion since the Minotaur

is ready to sign with me,

and the deal clincher is playing a prom for Jerkules?

Lastragon hear hubbub.

No, that's excitement.

Because last, babe... May I call you last?

Here is the hottest ticket in town.

Oh, wait. Something's missing.

Boom. 5 drachma service charge, nice, boom.

Here you go, babe. Enjoy the show.

Hee hee hee hoo!

Me have floor seats!

Me so happy!

Well, Orpheus doesn't know it,

but he's about to start a long, long...

underworld tour.

Get out your tuxes, boys.

We're goin' to the prom.

It's prom night at the academy.

And everywhere, starry-eyed students await

the happiest evening of their young lives.

Just kill me now.

Now you can do better than that, Casserole.

Give your old dad a smile.

I am smiling.

Check it out, check it out.

Icarus gettin' a "kissarus." Check it out.

So, mon chéri.

Wanna take me up on that slow dance now?

I've tipped the guys on the A.V. Squad to put a spotlight on us.

Listen, I'm only here because Orpheus lost his mind

and agreed to play this stupid prom.

But I don't have to like it.

And I won't touch you until I see him up on that stage singing, got me?!

I think Orpheus will be, uh... Orpheus? Ha!

Have you seen him yet? Is he going on soon? Huh?

Ballad. Big hit with pointless drum solo.

Other big hit... Mention Athens in it,

hold for applause.

Mortal!

On your knees and bow before my magnificent evil!

Who are you?

Oy. Why do I even try?

Hades, Lord of the Dead. How you doin'?

These are my minions, Pain and Panic.

They'll be abducting you to the underworld tonight.

It's him! It's really him!

I'll never wash this claw again.

Please, please be patient.

Mr. Orpheus... Orpheus!

Mr. Orpheus will be out to play very soon.

Or not.

Uh, what?...?

What happened to Orpheus?

Orpheus has left the building.

That is some kind of big, smokey head.

Thank you. See, I need song boy for a little command performance.

And don't wait up because he's gonna be down here for a one-life stand.

Oh, no!

This is awful!

We've come this far. I'm not giving up.

Oh, easy for you to say.

You only have to risk your life

and rescue Orpheus from the underworld.

I have to stall the crowd till you come back!

We want Orpheus! We want Orpheus!

Me want Orpheus!

Okay. How y'all doin' tonight? We havin' fun?

Before we start the show,

we have a very special guest. He's a giant in the industry.

Hey, he's a giant in any industry.

Lastragon, stand up!

Ok, good. Sit back down, I wanna tell ya, this is one big kid...

And a snappy dresser, too.

By the way, that reminds me...

Guy goes to a tailor. He's got a torn chiton.

He says to the tailor, he says, "Hey, I got a torn chiton here."

How are you doing?

The tailor says, "Euripides?" The guy says, "Eumendades?"

I know you're out there 'cause I can hear you rotting.

Hello? "I can hear you rotting."

I can tell better jokes than that.

But do I ever get to go on? No-o-o.

I have to push the barge pole,

schlepping a bunch of saps down the river...

- No offense. - None taken.

Come on. Just take a look at this guy, will ya? He's a big fella, isn't he?

Makes The Colossus of Rhodes look like a lawn jockey!

Lawn jockey.

Hello? These are the jokes, friends.

Sue me.

Hey! You can't go in there.

It's off-limits.

Um... I'm on the list.

Oh, really?

Well, guess what, smart guy? There isn't any list!

Oh. Oh, uh, if there's no list,

then how do you know I'm not on it?

- Hmm. - Hmm.

He's got you there.

Okay, in you go.

- Hey! - Hey!

No need to thank me.

I'm only doing what any hero would do.

And I give you my word

I'll get you back to the prom safe and sound.

You people look terrific.

Now, I know that everybody's here to see Orpheus,

so I'll just do a couple dozen more of my own tunes.

Oh!

I think this is the way out.

Because I... I...

Oh, I've passed this same ribcage three times.

Aaah! What's the use?

I can't do anything right.

I make a fool of myself, then I mess up your life

and get us both stuck here forever in the underworld.

And for what?

To be popular in high school.

I've done worse.

You have?

Yeah. I mean, I was gifted with a voice

that could calm a savage beast, you know,

but now I am that beast.

Well, not a "beast" beast, you know,

but a money-making monster.

It's all a horrendous waste.

That's why I barely speak at all anymore.

You sacrificed your integrity just so you could be popular?

Somethin' like that, yeah.

Well, you're talkin' now.

Right. Heh. I am!

And man, it feels good to be using sentences again!

Thanks, Hercules!

No problem, but we really should try to find a way out of here you know?

No way, mate. I owe you.

You have saved me... from me.

But can he save you from... me?

Hercules and Orpheus, come on down!

Whoa-a-a-a!

Aaah! Oooh!

Me want Orpheus! Me want Orpheus!

All right, all right, keep your loincloth on.

Well, Mr. No-Show, I hope you're up to performing.

The crowd's full of deadheads,

but hey, you'll be one of them in a few. Ha!

Hey, next time you're trying to sneak away,

you might try holding the "Ya-na-na ya-na-na na"

till you're topside. What do you think?

Enjoy the show, Jerkules.

'Cause it's gonna be the last thing

you're ever gonna see.

That's just what I'm going to do.

Are you ready to rock?

Are you ready for Orpheus?

Orpheus!

Are you ready to run? All right!

I got a genuine piece of Orpheus clothing.

You want it?

Yeah!

Come and get it!

Orpheus!!

Orpheus!

I've got a prom to get to.

Well, you've been a wonderful audience.

And now I'm going to go do my unplugged set.

Could somebody unplug me?

Where is Orpheus?

Orpheus... is... here!

Hello, Athens!

Are you ready to rock?

Aaah! He's here!

I love you so much!

Kill all!

No 2-ton titan ruins my special moment with Orpheus!

Meet The Widowmaker!

Aah!

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Go get 'em, boy. There's the kid who stole your Orpheus.

Hi there.

I think somehow we got off on the wrong foot.

Aah!

You sing for Lastragon.

No way. I'm an artist, not a trained monkey,

you big fat tub of guts.

Oh... me can't help weight problem.

Whoa-a-a!

Smart move. Insult the evil giant.

Works every time. Nice.

Finally, this shindig is starting to perk up.

Hey, Princess. Ready to go home?

No, Dad!

Okay, I'll just be out in the chariot.

Party on.

If I'd known proms were this much fun,

I would've gone to mine.

Me... kill... now.

I always knew it would end like this.

Not on your life, sister.

Sound check!

- Huh? - Huh?

Sing, Orpheus. Sing like the wind!

Yeah, make your voice pure again, Orpheus.

You can do it.

Uh... okay.

This is a song I wrote today

on the boat out of the underworld.

It's about a guy I really admire.

Maybe he's you, maybe it's...

Now would be a good time to keep it brief.

♪ He doesn't have what it takes ♪

♪ But maybe he'll get it ♪

♪ Maybe someday too ♪

- What is going on? - ♪ Those are the breaks ♪

♪ So why should he sweat it ♪

♪ But try to tell him that ♪

♪ He's got to learn to wait ♪

♪ Till the time is right ♪

♪ He's got to know his heart ♪

♪ Before he starts to fight ♪

Get down! Get... ooh.

This isn't bad. What am I doing?

Come on, you love you! Crush them!

Drop that thing!

♪ Just give him half a chance ♪

♪ He's gonna do all right ♪

♪ Can anyone do more than that ♪

♪ Yeah maybe he'll do more than that ♪

♪ If anyone can pull it off ♪

♪ Then Hercules might ♪

I guess you aren't such an insufferable dolt after all.

Ah, I bet you say that to all the demigods.

You were very courageous just now,

risking your life like that.

Well, I wasn't about to miss out on my slow dance.

Come on, let's get it over with.

You're never gonna let me forget this, are you?

You got that right, baby.

Ugh!

Thanks again for helping me out, Orpheus.

I should be thanking you for setting my head straight.

No more selling out. Just me and my voice.

And your roadie.

Lastragon put this in Sparta.

He's learning.

♪ If anyone pull off ♪

♪ Hercules might ♪