Original subtitles

♪ Who put the glad in gladiator ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theatre? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor Hercules ♪

♪ What a guy ♪

♪ Ask his friends ♪

♪ Honey they won't lie ♪

♪ Oh Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Smart and shy ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one a zero zero ♪

♪ He'll never quit till he's a hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see.

No, no, no. I won't go.

I won't. I can't.

Please, no. You can't make me.

You have to go. This is important.

I can't face that monster. I can't!

Come on! You faced worse!

That's where you're wrong, rookie.

This one sucks the life out of me!

Aw, Phil, come on.

Be a half-man about this.

Half, no!

I won't take "Half, no" for an answer.

It can't be that bad, Phil.

I mean, she's your mother.

Nooooooooooooo!

At least you're allowed to visit.

I can't even get past the front gate of my mom and dad's place.

You're lucky, really.

You're lucky to have parents behind bars.

The chamber of horrors!

Would you stop?

Ugh.

Late as usual.

Hi, Ma.

Oh, let me look at you, Philly Goat.

Philly Goat?

Yeah, yeah.

Have you been eating your greens?

You're bloating.

Aw, come on, Ma! I'm a big boy now.

Oh, well, you were always husky.

Here...

this will cover the fare and a little something for you.

Ma, he's not a cabby.

He's Hercules. The son of Zeus...

My hero in training.

Nice to meet you Mrs...

You can call me Cacophony.

Be a darling, Hercules.

Close the door behind you. There's a draft.

Ow!

So, why haven't you written?

I guess Mr. Big-shot coach is too busy

to scribble a few words to his old, forgotten mother.

Ma, I've been busy! Come on.

Training heroes is a big job.

Your brother Saul always writes.

So busy selling sandals door-to-door,

but he sends me a scroll a week.

Did you hear he's been promoted

to Aegean Regional Sales Manager?

He's a retail juggernaut!

Hey! Who's this?

Oh, that's my Philly Goat when he was just a kid

training the next-door neighbor to fend off a bully.

Even then I had coaching in my blood.

And blood all over the house.

Here they are an hour later.

Hmm... didn't work out.

Who's that?

Oh, that's my other baby, Saulmenaus.

Oh, that kid had goals!

Did I tell you Saul was named sale Satyr of the year?

Philly Goat, why don't you show him around Satyville?

And I'll start dinner.

Do me a favor, kid.

Use your demigod strength to squash my head like a melon.

- Phil! - You're right. It'll stain her porch.

She'll kill me.

I think you're overreacting, Phil.

I mean, your mom loves you... in her own special way.

Loves me?! She thinks I'm worthless!

I'd give anything if she'd be as proud of me

as she is of my brother.

Why wouldn't she be? You're Philoctetes... Trainer of heroes!

Pbht! Like who? Achilles, Perseus?

I'm the trainer of losers. No offense, kid.

Pride starts with you.

It starts with a "p."

What do they teach you in that school?

All I ever hear is Saul this and Saul that.

Why can't she talk about me for once?

Well, at least you can talk to her.

When I want a face to face with my folks,

I have to speak to statues.

Wow! Would you look at that?

"Coming soon, The Temple of Pan."

But I thought only Gods get temples.

Hey, he's Pan... Pan da man!

I bet his mother is proud of him.

I have the results of this year's audit.

I'm afraid offerings and sacrifices to you

are way down, Demeter.

Oh, Nemesis, that can't be right.

After the bountiful harvest I sent this year?

Did you know that gourds are high in riboflavin?

I figured something this ugly should at least be good for you.

Yeah. According to the Infernal Retribution Service,

Idomeneus of Crete offered some okra out of season.

Of course, this incident will be answered

with the proper smiting.

Oh, oh, please. Over okra?

Smiting seems a bit harsh.

Okra really wasn't the best veggie I ever came up with...

No taste, yuh! Too slimy.

What was I thinking?! I must've been out of my head!

Fine. Another vote for leniency.

Okay, how about Sanctimonious of Smyrna?

His pitiful tribute to you...

A burnt offering of rotten potatoes.

Sanctimonious, Sanctimonious. Oh! The hash-brown guy!

They were rotten?

This mortal has a smite wish.

Would you be a dear?

You don't have to smite him.

I'll just send a few warning locusts.

Ugh! Fine.

Aha. This is a smitable offense.

King Pan of Satyville

hasn't made an offering to you all year.

Well, that's not so bad.

And he hasn't visited your temple in months because...

he's too busy building one to himself.

- Excuse me? - It seems that he's taken credit

for all the Satyrs' good fortune... Including the bountiful harvest.

Ohh.

Apparently, the King of the Satyrs

wants his people to worship him.

Feeling like a wrathful God yet?

I'm getting there.

Pan! Pan! You da man!

I accept your glory! Same time tomorrow.

- Aah! - Maybe... maybe not.

Oh! Oh! Demeter! Your Goddessness!

Uh... you're looking crisp today!

How is my favorite earth mother?

Feeling a little soiled.

Is it true you haven't made any offerings to me this year?

Oh, I would've, really, really.

But you don't know what happened.

The harvest was really bad this year...

Tomatoes the size of chickpeas.

Oh, get out of here.

I sent the best harvest ever.

Oh, oh! This year!

This... y-you said, "this year," right, right, right.

Well, there was this marauding band of vegetarians.

They wiped us out.

Ha ha. It looks to me like they left plenty.

And what's this I hear about a Temple of Pan?

Uh... what temple?

That one!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, that's not a temple.

See, that's a... it's a... It's a fast-food joint.

See, uh, Pan pizza.

You should try some... terrific!

Don't you lie to me, grass stain!

"Praise Pan from whom all blessings flow"?

Did you write that?!

Ugh. I am so angry, I'm slipping into fall!

You have got till the harvest-moon festival

to pay up your back offerings or you are taking a fall!

Yo, come here, come here.

Now listen to me. We got to turn over every offering.

We can lay our hands on.

Well, the treasury is bare, your goatishness.

We ate a lot of grass

at the ground-breaking for your temple.

Hey, hey! It's not a temple, all right?

How many times I gotta tell you?

It's a restaurant!

He don't know what he's talking about. He didn't mean that.

Do you know what it's like to be second best

to a sandals salesman?

Why would Ma be prouder of a son who makes his living saying,

"Yeah, I have that size in brown, too."

Maybe you could beseech Athena, Goddess of Wisdom, for advice.

You know what? You could talk to my dad.

Say! You may be on to something, kid!

I'll ask King Pan.

But he's not a God.

He thinks he is. And he's local!

But...

King Pan!

Name's Philoctetes. Call me "Phil."

Can't you see the king is busy?

I'm in a jam!

How can I get my mother to show respect?

Everybody respects you. I thought you might know.

Uh, sir?

I just might be able to help.

- You know, Bill... - That's Phil.

Whatever. I gotta be out of town for the harvest-moon festival,

and I need somebody to take my place.

You know, oversee the rituals, take care of the offerings,

deal with any crises that, uh, might come up.

I crown you Temporary King of the Satyrs.

That ought to impress your mom.

Problem solved!

My problem. Heh heh heh heh.

Sheep are not dependents.

No receipts, no beseech.

You can't depreciate your chariot!

Sorry, your ski vacation at Mount Parnassus

is not deductible.

Apples?

What kind of offering is this for the God of War?!

I'm a red-meat type of God.

This is the type of garbage Demeter would want!

Oh, sorry, Demeter. Didn't see you there.

Snack?

So... when can you take out the bum?

I'll be in that area next Tuesday.

Fine! Just make sure it's agonizing.

Oh, Nemesis, you were so right about the King of the Satyrs.

If he hasn't made an offering to me by the harvest moon,

waste him!

Ooh, you're in luck.

The harvest moon's tomorrow night.

And I have an opening.

"Harvest moon... Smite King of Satyrs."

Ahhh.

Philoctetes... King of the Satyrs.

Ooh-hoo!

I'm sittin' pretty now.

Pan! You da man!

Aw, you guys are the best. Aw, come on, come on!

You guys... you give good glory.

But even a king needs some downtime.

So, Phil, here, he's gonna be the king for, oh...

about a day and a half.

See you after the harvest-moon festival!

Run.

Phil! Phil!

You da new man!

Huh, he sure seems in a hurry.

There's something fishy about this, Phil.

That's King Phil now.

Ohh, excusez-moi, King Phil.

And I dub you the royal bodyguard.

Well, you're gonna need one, your highness,

because you're late for your mom's dinner.

Yikes! I totally forgot!

Get the sedan chair!

Sorry, I'm late, Ma.

I was busy becoming King.

Hmm, that's nice.

Nice? Ma, I'm the king!

That's no excuse for being late for dinner.

Even on the day your brother Saul

got the golden-insole award, he was at the table on time.

What have I got to do to prove myself to that woman?

Oh, come on. Cheer up, Phil.

She'll come around.

The harvest-moon festival has got to impress her.

Man, oh, man... Fescue fricassee.

Mmm, delish.

Mmm.

What a party!

And it's all for me.

- Do me a favor, Herc, and go get Ma. - Sure, Phil.

She's gonna be proud of me tonight if it kills me.

Saul never had a party in his honor like this, huh, Ma?

Being king sure beats being Aegean regional sales manager.

Oh, really? Do you get benefits?

- Benefits?! - Health insurance, a pension.

You know, perks!

I-I-I don't know. I didn't ask.

Saul always asks.

You got to look out for yourself in this world

if you want to get ahead.

I'm the king!

How much more ahead can I get?!

Never settle.

Where would your brother Saul be if he didn't have goals?

Still a stock goat

at Discount Draco the Sandal Vandal.

Now move!! The floor show is starting!

Mother of Zeus!

I'm coming apart!

Shush!

Your grateful subjects are ready to present you with gifts,

Oh, King.

You hear that, Ma? Presents!

Did I tell you Saul got a granite gorgon paperweight

when they made him sale Satyr of the year.

It's not the gift that counts, it's the thought!

And all these guys have been thinking about me!

Hey! No cuts!

I'm sure I could arrange one.

Heh, heh. A-after you!

Nobody ever gave Saul tribute like this.

Melon makes me gassy.

Ooh, a sword! Can't have too many of those!

Thanks, Toots.

Hey, what's the big idea?

I seek the King of the Satyrs.

Well, you found him, sister.

And as the head honcho, big cheese, and top goat,

I decree that you stop spooking my loyal subjects.

Bow down, arrogant offender!

I, Nemesis, demigoddess of vengeance,

will now smite the wicked King of the Satyrs.

Smite?

Me?! What are you talking about?

You stand accused of hubris.

Hubris? No, really, what are you talking about?

It means you've gotten too big for your fur pants.

So I overdid it a little tonight...

A brisk jog, a few sit-ups, I'll work off the flab.

Don't worry. I'll cut you down to size.

That's slick how you do that weapon thing with your hands.

A little close to my skull, though.

Quiet, Demeter defier!

What made you think you could get away with acting like a God?

I'm a Demigoddess, and even I don't get my own temple.

I time share!

Oh, no, no! You got this all wrong!

I-I've only been king for a day!

Prepare for early retirement.

She's a Demigoddess, Phil. You need the help of a Demigod.

Wait! I can't back down in front of Ma!

She'd never let me live it down.

Aah!

Whoa! Watch it! I don't get health insurance!

Are you gonna let her treat you that way?

You're a king, act like one!

Your brother would.

You're right, Ma. I am king.

I have an entire army at my disposal.

Behold my mighty legion!

Ooh! Ah!

Eh! Ow!

Ha ha ha. Is that the best you can do?

Aah!

Heh heh... draftees.

Prepare to be smitten!

All right, my mom is watching,

so I'm not fleeing, I'm coaching. Got it?

Nod like I said something useful.

Okay. Uh... - Phil? - Yeah, kid?

Start coaching.

Aaaah!

So this is your hotshot trainee, Philly?

Aaaaaah!

L-look, lady, y-you got the wrong guy.

Sorry. The kid got in the way.

I mean me!

Now bow down!

Do what Saul would do!

I don't have anything in a size 9, ma!

Nemesis, you seem like a reasonable Demigoddess.

Eh!

Aah!

Won't you stand still and take your smiting like a man?

I'm only half a man! Can you give me half a smiting?

I haven't had a campout since my days in the satyr scouts.

Aaaaaaaaah!

Huh?

Aaaaaaaaah!

Wow, you don't see stuff like that in the city.

Aaaaaaah!

Thanks, Pegasus.

We gotta get back to Phil!

Huh?

Pegasus, take it down.

Oh, whoa! What's the big idea? Do you know who I am?

Yeah, the jerk who set Phil up.

Hey, who... who you calling a jerk? Let me tell you something, all right?

If Phil can't handle being the king,

it's not my fault.

Well, let's just see what Nemesis has to say about that.

I am on a very tight schedule here.

Owwww!

Say goodbye to your crown and your head!

Don't touch that Satyr, Nemesis!

Ugh! You again?

Can I just do my job and get out of here?!

Here's the real King of the Satyrs!

Oh, nice try, but he's wearing the crown. He loses his head.

Ugh!

But Phil's innocent!

I don't care.

I have my orders from Demeter.

There's gotta be a mistake. Demeter!

Beseeching Demeter!

This had better be good.

I was about to have my head fertilized.

Per your orders,

this grass-grazing runt is bound for the underworld!

Oh, Nemesis, not that grass-grazing runt...

That grass-grazing runt!

He's the King of the Satyrs! Get real!

Fine. Great.

I'd really like to punish somebody here,

so this night isn't a total waste of my time!

How about c-community service?

Oh, maybe you could pay back offerings.

What? Sure, sure, yeah. Whatever it takes.

Hold it. Hold it. All right, Pan. This is it.

Your one and only chance to survive this mess.

Fill this with all the gifts you got at the harvest-moon festival

and maybe... I won't have you smitten.

My tribute?

If you don't like the deal,

maybe Nemesis will cut you a better one.

Uh... bring on the gifts.

Oh, not enough. Not enough!

Pan's mine!

Wait a second.

We have one more offering.

Let's call this a promise

that the new temple will be dedicated to Demeter.

What?! No smiting?!

Oh, some days I shouldn't even sharpen my arms!

Philoctetes... Trainer of heroes.

You are a clever old goat.

Thanks.

- Hercules? - Yes, ma'am?

Oh, you stick with this guy.

You will be a hero in no time.

Yes, ma'am.

- Bill? - That's Phil.

Whatever. I owe you one.

I think you owe me two or three...

My Liege.

Oh, Philly! Do you have a moment for your mother?

Okay, okay, Ma.

Now you know the truth. I was never really king.

I was just trying to make you proud.

Philoctetes, I have always said...

Saul!

Yeah, that's what she's always said.

Look, Philly, your brother Saul is home.

Ohh! What did I do to deserve this?

I made a surprise for you boys.

Pasture potpie!

I'll be right back with the grape juice.

Hey, I hear your boy, Herc, is one great hero-in-training.

A real contender.

Oh, he is. Where'd you hear that?

The Greekly World News?

No, Ma told me.

And told me and told me.

She never shuts up about you and your work.

Philoctetes this, Philoctetes that.

What do you mean? She never shuts up about you and your sandal sales.

You're pulling my hoof! Really?

You hear that, Herc? She's proud of me!

She's really proud of me!

Of course, I'm proud of you.

I'm your mother. I'm proud of both of you.

But how would we know?

Yeah, you never tell us.

Well, it's because you boys are always bragging

about yourselves.

So when one of you starts in, I start talking about the other.

Keeps you humble.

I don't want you to get big heads.

You already have big horns.

Which, incidentally, they get from their father's side.

Now, dig in, kids,

before the pasture potpies get cold.

Uh... got any ketchup?

I'll forget I ever heard that.

And don't worry. I know you're a growing boy.

I have seconds for you in the kitchen.

So, did you hear about your sister?

Her pottery business is shooting through the roof!

Hercules, eat! Eat!

What kind of hero doesn't eat?!