Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in Gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

- ♪ What a guy ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Ask his friends ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

- ♪ Hercules ♪ - ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Come on ♪ - ♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

Fee, fi, fo, fum.

Hero rule nine... Giants are... Dumb!

That's why you use the "too-tall triad" against them.

Fake, rattle... Pbht! And roll!

That's fake, battle, and roll, kid.

Giants are too dumb to get rattled.

I'm not so great at giants.

Can we just skip this part, huh?

Sorry, kid, no shortcuts to greatness.

Wow. That is some fabulous, fabulous work.

I mean, what a presence you've got.

Hercules, you're my man.

Did I pronounce that right? I'm such a huge fan of yours.

I can't even tell you to have this kind of face-to-face with you...

Listen, can we talk, or do you have an agent?

Uh, yeah, well...

Hey, hotshot, this is a closed practice.

You are one lucky little goat man, you know that?

I mean, your boy is so money, and he doesn't even know it, brother.

You think so?

Who are you, and what's with that get-up?

This is my card.

"Loki... trickster god of the Norse Pantheon."

Hmph. Barbarian, huh?

Yeah, that's interesting.

The goat man just called me a barbarian.

Anyway, look, There is a major, major buzz about Hercules.

You know what I mean? And from what I just saw,

I think you're ready for the big show... truth, truth.

Uh, what show?

Asgard... The realm of the Norse Gods!

We're looking to fill a new position... Thunder God...

Cranking out storms, deciding battle frenzies. You know that sort of thing.

Fun stuff. Are you interested?

Me? A God?

Ha-ha! I'm there!

Whoa, slow down, Goldilocks.

He's training to be a Greek hero.

Oh, right, right. Let's see...

"Reaching for the brass ring to join mom and pop on Olympus."

Yeah, but how do you know that?

Look, I do my research.

Anyway, let's cut to the chase here, OK?

Now, the plain truth is I want to be in the Hercules business.

But you gotta help, Herc. I mean, you want Olympus, right?

Well, that's doable, very doable.

But at the end of the day, you're gonna need some credits.

Credits?

You know, actual God gigs.

I mean, this hero training, that's such a slow track.

But we make you a God now... pow, baby!

We're talking a-list! You got juice!

Olympus, they come calling for you, capiche?

Uh, capiche.

Kid, kid, no shortcuts, remember?

Phil, Phil, my goat man.

Have you ever heard of the Valkyries?

See, the valkyries are, like, a group of ladies.

Really?

You know, very friendly. You know.

That kind of thing.

- No kidding. - Yes. Yes.

Kid, let's go for it!

But you said no shortcuts.

I know, I know, but think about it. Valkyries! Valhalla!

Yeah, hey, that's supposed to be a state-of-the-art facility.

Valhalla?

Oh, they say it's a beautiful palace.

Across the rainbow bridge of Bifrost to the plane of Asgard.

There rises Valhalla, Hall of Odin, king of the Norse Gods.

Valhalla. Okay. Okay, Mr. Loki.

We'll go take a look. What can it hurt?

Behold Valhalla!

That... that's it?

It's a dump!

Goatie, you wouldn't know class

if it came up and bit you on the tail.

This is retro, baby.

Pass the salt, then.

Hey, hey, get your beard outta my cheese, there, would ya?

Hey, hey, hold it! Close the door!

I'm freezing in here.

Where were you born, in a barn, there?

Silence, pathetic mortals. Where's Odin?

Uh, gee, sorry, Loki. Didn't see you there.

Yah, boy, we totally worship ya.

Wonderful, wonderful. Where is Odin?

Uh, Odin's out talking to Mimir.

You know, that-that disembodied head, there, in-in the well of wisdom?

He's talking to the head again. That's really great, great.

Now this is Hercules.

Now please, take care of him, boys. He's with daddy.

Okay, I'm gonna be right back with Odin, Herc. Stay who you are.

Uh, whatever you say, Loki.

Yah, pull up a stump.

I'm Jorgen Svensen and that there's Sven Jorgensen.

Okay, so, uh, have a chop, then.

Yeah, yeah. Eat up, kid.

I'm gonna see if I can find me some of them Valkyries.

You're... You aren't from around here, are ya?

Mnh-mnh. Greece.

Yah, I can tell by that flimsy dress you're wearing there.

Yeah, don't ya... don't ya get just a tidge drafty in there?

Ahh.

You missed a spot, Brunhilda.

Ho-ho! What have we here?

The sacred Mead of Poetry.

He who drinks of it shall speak only in verse.

Ahh!

Say, that mead is quite delish.

And you, my dear, what a dish!

Mm! Mmm!

This is really, really good. What is it?

That would be your reindeer.

So, uh, this Valhalla

must be an interesting place to live, huh?

Wouldn't know, seein' as how we're dead.

You're dead? As in... as in dead?

Oh, yeah. Deader than doornails. Dead, dead, dead.

This is Valhalla... The hall of slain heroes.

Odin, The Allfather, he likes to hang out with dead guys, don't ya know?

Dead guys? Eww!

Okay, so you're not dead then, eh?

No. I'm gonna be Thunder God.

You were gonna scratch my head.

What? Was it something I said?

So, uh, you're gonna be Thunder God, uh-huh?

Who says, then?

Um, this guy named Loki.

Yah, but everybody knows Odin's boy,

he's gonna be the Thunder God.

I now return from the well of wisdom.

Spoke with Mimir.

He's still very wise.

Oh, yeah, I'm sure about that. Anyway, I have a brainstorm.

Got some nice cod, too. Hungry?

No. Anyway...

Hey, Odin, check out this new kid, would ya?

He's not even dead.

Yah. And he says he's gonna be the Thunder God.

That so? Hmm.

I was getting to that.

Oh, hi, sir. I, Odin.

I don't want to cause any trouble, so...

Trouble.

No, you're perfect for this part. Relax, baby.

Loki, I have someone in mind for Thunder God, you know that.

Yeah, right. You're gonna cast your own son. Can we say favoritism here?

We all know, we need the best possible Thunder God to stop Ragnarok.

What's Ragnarok?

Oh, it's your basic

end-of-the-world, day-of-doom type of deal.

I'm on it. Don't worry.

Now surely the oh-so-wise Odin will consider other candidates,

for he is a fair God, you know, an equal-opportunity god.

All right, Loki. If it's the fair thing to do.

Okay, now meet Hercules, Greek hero in training.

Give him your resume, champ.

Hmm, Greek. Hermod.

Yeah, sure, you betcha.

Translate this, please.

Okay, let's see, then... "Hercules demigod..."

Greek Gods and Norse Gods are two of a pair.

He looks just like Hermes, with more facial hair.

Hey, why are you talking like that?

I drank some mead, and now I can't stop

talking verses and poems and all of that glop! Aah!

Don't get much call for lion taming up here... wrong climate.

How are you against giants, son?

Oh, giants. Well...

Oh, let's just make this easy. An audition...

My boy against your boy. One-on one.

The winner gets his name in northern lights.

The son of Odin against him?

So be it.

Hercules shall compete for the job of Thunder God

against he of the sinewy calves, wielder of the iron gloves,

wearer of the magic girdle...

Behold my boy Thor.

Ah-ha-ha!

Who dares challenge Thor?

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Ah-ha-ha!

That's a little loud, son.

Anyway, to the victor goes the mighty hammer... Mjollnir.

May the godliest hero win.

Oh, and no divine intervention.

Loki, no funny business.

I'm just here for the reaction shot, chief.

You are puny. Are you a troll?

I'm a hero in training!

No, kid! Rushing in will be your ruination!

Stop! Take your time! Assess the...

Situation.

Okay, so you have magic gloves,

but no way are you as strong as I am.

Okay, so you're stronger.

In Asgard, we show no mercy to our enemies.

Prepare to go to Valhalla, the hall of slain heroes!

- Yaah! - Huh?

Aah!

Whoa!

Well, I'll be.

Your boy knocked Thor senseless.

Huh? I did? I, uh, huh, guess I did.

Ha-ha, kid! Great! You really hit a groove.

But I didn't teach you that flying-kick move.

I know. It just sort of happened.

Well, who'd have thought?

If I didn't know better,

I'd think some trickster pulled a fast one.

But, since all the Gods promised not to interfere,

that's impossible.

That's an excellent point. That's true.

So, looks like you're our Thunder God, Hercules.

Here's Mjollnir... Your mighty hammer...

Your magic belt, and your iron gloves.

Awesome!

No!

Please, Thor, indoor voice.

But, father, all my life I've trained

to wield the mighty hammer Mjollnir as Thunder God!

Fair's fair. Keys.

Well, not the chariot! I customized it!

Beautifully, son, but the Thunder God

has to have something to drive his thunder around in.

Even the goats?

Goats?

Oh, I almost forgot. Divinity.

There. You're a God. Good luck.

Ha! Look! Phil! I'm a God!

Herc, kid, to you I implore.

Can you make it so's I don't rhyme no more?

Gladly, Philoctetes.

Ah. Thanks, kid.

Look, um, I got a funny feeling about this whole God thing.

Come on, Phil. I'm a God.

What can go wrong?

Oh, uh, no hard feelings, right, Thor?

You will rue the day

you met Loki, the trickster God of Ragnarok!

Uh! What is up with this Ragnarok people keep talking about?

The twilight of the Gods!

The downfall of Asgard,

long foretold by the weavers of fate, The Norns!

Hey, don't worry about Thor, my man.

- He's B-list now. - Oh, okay.

Uh, well, thanks for everything, Loki.

I, uh... whoa!

Bye-bye.

Have a great first day as a God... First and last.

Man, I'm telling you,

this project is gonna be huge, baby... just huge!

I mean, Hercules attached to Ragnarok.

I mean, have you ever seen a kid so not ready for the bigs?

It is comeback time for you, Fenris, my little snowball baby.

So, what's on your list of epic, mythic, godly duties?

Provide sunshine

for Greenland girl's school may day celebration.

Greenland? Hmph.

Well, at least it sounds warm.

Brr! Brother, if this is Greenland,

I wonder what Iceland is like.

Why do we call this Iceland anyway?

Well, it keeps the tourists away, baby. Top you off.

It can't be as miserable as this!

You're in charge of the weather, Thunder God!

Change it!

Oh, uh, right. I guess I better use the hammer.

Whoa!

It's kind of tough to handle!

- Oww! Ow! Ow! Ow! That's hail! - Whoops.

No! No more hammer!

May I suggest, O mighty Hercules,

that we get out of your mighty downpour?

Hey, there's a cave up there.

Huh. It looks just like the cave of the fates back home.

Hey, that's Atropos.

Those are the fates.

Shh! We are not the fates.

You are, too.

Hey, you're double dipping...

Working two mythologies at once!

No. No. No.

Uh, we are the Norns, Norse weavers of fate.

Oh, yah, sure. You bet.

Now, if you'll excuse me, we're in a hurry.

W-Where you going?

Iceland.

It's beautiful this time of year.

There's nothing for us here now,

or won't be, thanks to you.

Me? Why?

Ragnarok has come.

The Twilight of the Gods?

Loki said not to worry about that.

Well, he would.

Loki is the traitor

who brings about the final destruction of Asgard.

What? But he seemed like such a nice guy.

Why do you think he's called the Trickster God, you big dummy.

Oh. Ohh!

Even now, Loki begins to release the giant wolf Fenris,

whose liberation from the ice caves of Niffleheim

wakes the giants and signals the coming of Ragnarok.

Ragnarok, Niffleheim, Fenris...

Anybody got a Norse-to-Greek dictionary?

Only when Thor wields the mighty hammer will Loki be defeated.

Fear not, for I am your Thunder God.

I shall wield the hammer and save Asgard!

Whoops!

Yeah, that's nice.

Come on, sister Fates.

Ha ha! I mean, Norns.

I'm tellin' ya, they're double dipping!

There it is!

Hey, my goats!

Let 'em go!

We gotta stop Loki!

Soon, my little pet, you shall be free.

Odin will fall, and I, Loki,

shall have exclusivity as king of the Norse Gods!

Can you feel it, baby? Daddy's coming home!

Not so fast, trickster!

The Norns told me of your treachery.

I, the mighty Hercules, shall put a stop to, uh...

Ragnarok?

Right. Ragnarok.

No!

Thank you, O Thunder God, for comfort in my time of need.

Oops.

I mean, oops.

I'm not afraid of your big, bad wolf.

I'm a God.

Still not reading the runes on the wall, are you, Hercy?

You see, you taking Thor's job

as part of my whole vision, brother.

Without Thor, Ragnarok's a done deal.

But... but I defeated Thor in combat!

Yeah, with a little help from your friend the Trickster God.

I'm the one who defeated Thor, brother.

As I shall defeat you, Loki!

Okay! I guess it's up to me.

Giants, awake!

It's time to Ragnarok 'n' roll!

It's showtime!

Ragnarok! Ragnarok!

I love the enthusiasm, guys, but Valhalla is that way.

Ragnarok! Ragnarok!

Oh, Loki's right.

I wasn't ready to be a God.

- The hammer! - Huh?

Mjollnir will return to the hand of the Thunder God.

You need only will it to do so.

Oh. Cool.

Mjollnir, here, boy!

Oops!

Oops!

Oh, hey, oh, boy. Here comes Loki.

That's Fenris and those are the giants, there.

Ragnarok! To arms!

Let's see...

"When Ragnarok comes, the wolf Fenris shall swallow the sun."

Who writes this stuff, huh? I love it.

Fenris has swallowed the sun.

Ugh! This is a total disaster!

Thor, maybe you should be the Thunder God.

Impossible!

Unless you were to give up your godhood.

If it'll save Asgard, it's the only heroic thing to do.

I, Hercules, hereby surrender my godly powers to Thor.

Come to your master, mighty hammer!

Fenris, let's ice this deal.

Oh, that's a might nippy, there.

Yah. Yah, it's nippy.

Traitorous trickster!

Thor?

Tsk-tsk... labels, labels.

You think the good guys are winning?

Oh, yeah. I mean, with Thor in there, how can they lose?

Now what?

How should I know? I'm not a God.

But you are a hero, right?

I mean, that's what your resume said.

Yeah, but that's all I am... Just a hero in training.

I mean, I can't stop Ragnarok.

Well, that's how Loki figured it.

Me, I guess I don't see it that way.

Really?

Of course, the most important question is how do you see it?

Okay, I'm happy to provide everybody

with a new organizational chart

that will reflect the new power structure.

There's me, and then there's everybody else.

Sorry, hotshot. No can do.

I'm afraid we've got creative differences, here.

Don't you think, Herc?

Please, you are so out of your league.

I know, I know, it's the Thunder God's hammer.

But, baby, consider me a stand-in!

Whoa! Whoa!

Whoo!

Boffo, kid! You did it!

Whoops.

You know, we're kind of using that sun.

Giants. It had to be giants.

Shake, battle, and roll, kid!

I don't think so.

Different kind of giant...

Different kind of weapon.

Yaah!

Well, now, Loki, the trickster,

vanquished by some southern kid.

Yah that's not too bad a deal, there.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. There was a whole kind of prophecy deal

that, like, sort of, was destined,

and now that's just forgotten, is that what's happening?

Yeah, right.

The Norns said Thor had to wield the hammer.

Thor did wield the hammer,

but the prophecy never said he had to hit anything with it.

Turns out that was a job for Hercules.

And, thanks to Loki, the kid was here to play his part.

Yeah, well, happy to help.

So, uh, how about a ride home?

Why don't you stay? Join us!

Uh, well, no offense,

but I think I'd rather go back to Greece.

Why? What does Greece have that Asgard doesn't?

Two words... Mediterranean climate.