Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in Gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪ ♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

- ♪ What a guy ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Ask his friends ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

- ♪ Hercules ♪ - ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Come on ♪ - ♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

Oh, look. A flower...

Nature's cheerful little reminder that...

I despise spring!

Pain, did you take the body image quiz?

Uh-huh. I'm a pear shape.

Every year, it's the same.

Temperatures go up, and my numbers go down.

Would you wear that?

Well, not after titan smitin' day.

Aah!

Here's how it works.

I talk, you listen.

Got it?

Uh-huh.

Good. Now, I just want to know why

every spring, this place is... well, dead.

Ooh! Ooh! I know this one.

Page 26... "Spring love means long lives."

Love? Blecch!

It says right here,

"Studies show people in lasting relationships live long... er."

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it.

Love is bad for business.

So... So... So...

Let's make it our business to be bad for love.

Yeah!

Let's... Do the evil thing you're thinking.

Could we, like, have a hint?

Augh! Minions.

Oh! Malampis?

Ew!

What could the love of my life

possibly like about Malampis?

Oh, Malampis.

I like everything about you.

And I, you, my vivacious visionary,

my lunchtime liaison,

my cutesie-wootsie Cassandra-wandra.

Oh, Mal, stop!

Ew! That's disgusting!

Oh, I'm sure she's just being nice, you know?

I mean, there's no reason to be jealous.

Me? Jealous of Malampis?

Look at him... A cloud cuckoo case.

I'm not jealous of... Ahh!

Maybe she was just batting a fly away from... his hand.

And his lips... with her lips.

How much torture must I endure?

Icarus, wait.

Hey, hey, hey, now!

Cassandra, baby,

I saw that "save me" glance you gave me and...

Get lost.

You heard the lady.

- Her every word... - Huh?

Every sigh,

every sneeze means "Hello, love!"

All right, all right. Intervention time.

How can you stand this guy?

Ew! Look at him!

The cheesy declarations of love,

the pathetic adoration, the bad hairdo.

Malampis is unique, funny, and totally devoted to me.

You mean a wimp who will do anything you say if you...

Icarus, could you go stand over there for the rest of lunch?

Of course, my sweet.

Is over here good? Or here?

Or here? How about here?

Perfect. Thanks.

Oh, that went well.

You just watch.

By the end of the day,

Cassandra will be dancing the Icarena

on Malampis's broken heart, baby.

Uh, Icarus... if Cassandra likes the guy,

there's nothing you can do about it.

You can't control love.

Maybe not, but we all know who can.

Welcome, and good morning, cherubs.

Good morning, Cupid.

OK, I'll make this quick,

because I know everyone is eager to get out there

and spread some... Love.

Oh, yes! Spring has sprung,

and the big "L" is in the air.

Now, you trainees have a tough job ahead of you.

We're not just dishin' heart a la carte here, we...

Hey, hey there, fella.

Aren't you a little tall for a cherub?

Uh, no, I'm not too tall.

I'm just vertically advantaged.

Whoa! Take it easy!

Love doesn't discriminate, and neither do we.

Ow!

Easy, panic! I got a stuck wing.

Ow!

Shh! You want us to get busted?

Now, suck in that pear shape.

Ow!

Um, Cu?

Ahem! I expect my cherubs to be three things...

Punctual, prompt, and on time.

Get it?

Good.

All right.

Who's ready to rock and roll on the love patrol?

So, let's get down to business.

Yeah! Cuckoo love!

Ow!

Now, last year's numbers were good,

but we can make this year great.

We're looking for solid love action...

Puppy love, endless love, tough love...

The whole shebang-a-lang-a-ding-dong.

You will be working with our new and improved,

super high-test love arrows.

Hello!

To handle the power of love properly

is a tall order... No offense, Stretch.

Rule number one...

Get amore for your money.

Look for couples who already show the telltale signs of love.

These would be hand-holding, pet names,

and wasting two months' salary on a sparkly rock.

Once you spot a potential love,

your mission is to seal the deal.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's nice and all, but, uh,

when do we get to shoot these babies?

Everyone, what is love?

Passion.

That's right.

And now, follow me to the production floor.

Remember, here at the love factory,

quality control is job one.

I've really got a knack for this love thing.

I'm in the wrong business.

Ow! I'm telling!

Pain, we are not cherubs.

We are Hades' right-hand... thingies.

We are here to infiltrate and undermine,

and if we don't, we're toast.

You hear me? Toast!

To love! Cheers!

Salud! L'chaim!

Heh! Ha ha! Very funny.

Snap out of it!

♪ I'm making an arrow for my love ♪

♪ And then I'll shoot her from above ♪

♪ She will know how great I am ♪

♪ How dare she love another man? ♪

Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Ah! Ah!

Nobody move.

Someone's not in their happy place.

We've been through this.

If you don't make these things with perfectly loving intentions,

they will come out arrow-neous.

Get it? Arrow? Arrow-neous?

Oh, I love this job.

Focus, cherubs.

Someone here has made the most dangerous kind of arrows...

The opposite of love arrows,

A.k.a. "loathe" arrows.

Aah!

♪ She will dump the jerk Malampis ♪

♪ Throw his body 'cross the campus ♪

Huh? What?

Just do what I say, and no one gets hurt.

Drop the loathe arrow and step away from the assembly line.

Loathe arrow?

Back to work, people.

Nothing to see here.

OK, now. Listen, big guy.

You're saying that if I nail someone with one of these,

they'll hate the person they're with?

"Hate" is such an ugly word.

Just give me the arrows.

We gotta dump these bad boys.

Sure. Here you go.

Every last one of 'em.

Yep. Yes, sir.

Here you go.

Son, perhaps you'd be better suited

for another line of work.

OK.

Sorry, kid, but we gotta let you go.

It has absolutely nothing to do with your height.

And we'll be asking you to sign an affidavit

acknowledging this on the way out.

Good work, boys.

Now, off to the decontamination chamber.

Hello, my loathlies.

What?

I send you to sabotage Cupid's operation,

and you come back here with a few lousy arrows?

Aah! Aah! Aah!

But, sir, they're, uh...

They're not love arrows! Ow!

They're... Let go! Ow!

Loathe... Ow! Arrows.

You mean these babies make love vanish,

disappear... Just boom, bada-bing, go bye-bye?

I like!

Quit teasin' the dog, boys.

We got work to do.

Can you feel the loathe tonight?

Herodotus, put your stripes on standby,

because this relationship is history.

Uh, what are you doin'?

Be right with you, buddy.

Man, I had her.

Oh, wait. I know what's going on here.

You think that if you hit Cassandra with some arrow,

- she'll love you forever, but... - Wrong!

Uhh! If Cassandra likes you because of some arrow,

it isn't real.

You'll never know her true feelings for you.

You're right!

I've been such a fool!

I don't deserve the love of Cassandra.

Go on! Make me hate her!

Put me out of my misery!

I'm not asking, I'm tellin'.

Are you done?

Yeah!

Good thing there aren't more of these on the loose.

Whoa! What was that all about?

Ow!

Heh! Whoo!

Ahh! This is fun!

Move it, grandma!

Have you ever seen anything more beautiful?

Everyone hates everyone.

I love you. Uh-buh-buh-buh.

No! I love you!

All right, listen up. I have a very important announcement...

Unlike the usual drivel.

I have just received word... Actually a few words...

That school is closed until further notice...

Which is not nearly long enough, if you ask me...

So that you can all go... to war.

Thought that might change your tune.

Uh, Mr. Parentheses, sir?

Who exactly is at war?

Apparently... Uh... everyone,

So chin up and good luck out there with the war.

You're gonna need it.

How did this happen?

Cassandra, you didn't have any of your visions, did you?

Ever since I've been with Malampis,

I haven't seen anything except his rippling biceps.

Do it again.

Aw, they're so sweet.

It's like I said from the beginning,

if you love someone, set them free.

She's mine, you hear me!

Pain and Panic!

Oh, I should've guessed Hades was behind this.

He must have cast a diabolical spell

or poisoned our drinking water

or created an alternate hate universe.

Hmm. Yeah. Or he got a hold of the other loathe arrows.

There were more?

Oh, I was a very productive cherub.

Where are my cherubs?

Where are my cherubs?

Oh, no! Help me! Help me!

Cherubs, babes, huh?

Stick around.

Ha! Too cute! Gotta love it.

Um... Cupid, sir?

Have you seen my cherubs?

Hey, little guy. Remember me?

Stretch? You're not exactly the one I was looking for.

Um, remember the loathe arrows?

You mean the ones that you made?

Let's not point fingers.

The important thing is

that they're sort of, oh, say...

out on the street.

What? Oh, no!

Icarus, tell him the rest.

Hercules, the man is in pain.

Uhh!

OK. It gets worse.

How much worse?

Does the name "Hades" ring a bell?

Doh! I can't believe we ever hired you

in the first place.

I knew those boys at Cherub Resources were worthless.

Cupid, we're here to help.

Yeah! Look, I may have lied about being a cherub.

What?

Wait, wait. There's more.

I may have created those loathe arrows.

I may have ruined love as we know it.

Yeah, and?

Kind of curious where this is going myself.

Well, I'm ready to make amends for my mistakes.

Load me up with love arrows, baby!

We're putting passion back in fashion!

Yes, sir!

Hey! I had the right of way!

Aw! Says you!

Where'd you learn to drive?

OK. Our mission is to undo this mess.

Remember, "evil" is just "love" spelled backwards.

Well, almost, if you sound it out

and you trade the "O" for an "I."

Hey, I'm a lover, not a speller.

Split up!

We missed! We almost had Cupid and Hercules, and we missed!

What do we do? What do we do?

Uh... let's get the overgrown cherub.

Unh! Aah!

Whoa, Herc! Thank you!

You're a... Ooh! Wrong way! Wrong way!

'Bout time you got here. Now, shoot!

It's no use. We need the rest of the cherubs.

Where are they?

I think I have an idea.

Enough with the cooing already.

Can't you guys get a new bit?

Hades, I order you to stop!

In the name of love.

Oh. Catchy. Let me try it.

Stop! In the name of lava.

Hades, Hades, Hades.

Everyone knows that you can't control love.

It's like... Ow! Hot! Hot!

Hot! Ooh!

The jumbo cherub's right.

Stick to stiffs. Love is my job.

Hey, you know what? Love stinks, all right?

And... Whoo phew to you... Speaking of which,

when's the last time you checked your diap-diap,

you know what I mean by it?

Oh, yeah? Well, check this, Hades.

Ooh! Ooh! Almost!

Nice shot. Whoa! Oh! That workin' out?

Go, go, go!

What, what, what, what?

I'm a God, you fools.

What, you think these arrows are gonna affect me?

Come on. Come on.

Hey, come on, huh?

I'll get a cherub zapper, and I'll have you all...

What little, fragile wings you have.

They're so...

Like perfect, little china dolls.

Hey, where are you goin'?

I need a hug.

Let's get out of here. We got work to do.

Uh... guys. Guys?

Remember, boys. Take no prisoners!

OK! Love is in the air, baby.

♪ Tie your diapers on tight ♪

♪ Time to take flight ♪

♪ Make your aim true to the mark ♪

♪ High, from out of the blue ♪

♪ Cupid's love crew ♪

♪ Is taking it straight to the heart ♪

♪ We're on our way ♪

♪ To right what's wrong ♪

♪ Just when you least expect it ♪

♪ Love is in the air ♪

♪ Changing the world ♪

♪ Bringing us closer together ♪

♪ People everywhere ♪

♪ Are showing they care ♪

♪ All because love is in the air ♪

♪ Look who's spreading the news ♪

♪ No one can refuse ♪

♪ Making love blossom and grow ♪

♪ Sharing these arrows' delights ♪

♪ Setting my sights ♪

♪ Gotta let... everyone know? ♪

Oh, man.

♪ Now young Icarus has to choose ♪

♪ So much to gain, so much to lose ♪

♪ His conscience is Tied in a gnarly knot ♪

♪ Has he got the guts ♪ To take the shot? ♪

Here you go,

and this time, it's all of 'em.

♪ Love is in the air ♪

♪ Changing the world ♪

♪ Bringing us closer together ♪

♪ People everywhere ♪

♪ Are showing they care ♪

♪ All because ♪

♪ Love is in the air ♪

Glad to have you on my team, Stretch.

You stand head and shoulders above the other cherubs.

Hey, join up again next spring.

Ha! Thanks, but no thanks.

I am definitely, positively, finally done

trying to control love.

Whoa! Did you see that?

OK. She smiled at me.

Cupid, arrow me, quick.

Just... Come on. Just one little arrow,

and then I'm done for good, I promise.

Please! Come on! Just help me out!