Original subtitles

♪ Who put the "glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

- ♪ What a guy ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Ask his friends ♪ - ♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

- ♪ Hercules ♪ - ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Come on ♪ - ♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

Mmm! More finger sandwiches for my favorite dread sisters?

Mmm! Mmm!

Ho ho ho ho ho!

Sure. I swallowed a nail on the last one.

And allow me to top off your hemlock.

Anything for my beautiful fates.

Oh, Hades, you charmer.

Clotho, you're such a tease.

Have I ever told you what beautiful eyes you have?

You know, I have this little venture,

a kind of merger proposition in the works,

and it'd be just so handy to know if it'll work,

like, you know, beforehand... Is this thing on? Hello?

I told you he only had eyes for our eye.

Aw, come on! Just one teensy peek at the future.

Forbidden, I know, but, hey,

you scratch my back, and I scratch yours.

Then again, oy... Ow! Aah!

To none shall the future be unfurled,

not even the lord of the underworld!

Ah!

Pain! Panic!

I-I need a new seer.

Maybe this'll help.

What... Oh.

"Seers Catalog...

Directory of fortunetellers,

psychics, and clairvoyants."

Cool beans. Way to go.

Eh... Teiresias, too crotchety.

Next. Oracle Friends Network, a little too commercial.

Well, now, who's this telegenic telepath?

Ha-cha-cha.

Huh. "Promising amateur...

hot up-and-coming prospect

with a bright future in futures.

Rating, four crystal balls."

Well, now.

Boys, bring around the chariot. I'm going on a recruiting drive.

How's my hair? Aflame? Hah. Yes. Ha-cha-cha.

So... Hercmeister,

goin' to the big Paeanetsia tonight?

Oh, you bet! I love harvest festivals.

Well, you ain't seen a Paeanetsia

till you've seen a big-town, Athens-style Paeanetsia.

Hercules! We have to talk!

Oooh... lovey-kins!

Ya ever see a guy bring up a whole-date smoothie through his nose?

Please. Watch.

Ta-da!

Cassandra, you're white as marble. What's up?

I can't tell you.

Not here.

- Oh... - Icarus, will you excuse us?

Sure thing, my rosy-fingered dawn.

Cassandra!

We're all alone!

Now what is it?

I... I've had my most grisly, most frightful,

most apocalyptic vision ever.

Words cannot describe the... the horror!

You've got to help me!

Your visions are always bad.

If this is the worst ever, I'm ready!

I swear upon my reputation as a hero,

come Hades or high water,

come man or beast,

come invading Titans or zillion-headed Hydras,

I will help you!

Hey, that sounded pretty good.

I saw myself at the Paeanetsia festival tonight.

There was a crowd of people...

and gods and goddesses...

All watching me, and I was... I was...

I was kissing Icarus!

Yeah? And?

- Kissing Icarus! - Then what?

That's it!

That's the vision!

Uh, a kiss?

That's all?

No zillion-headed Hydras?

Aw, man!

I gotta go back to school!

You can't just leave!

What happened to,

"I swear upon my reputation as a hero to help you"?

Well, sure, but I thought...

Are you sure there isn't even, like, a little titan involved?

Don't you have some annoying hero rule that applies here?

Well... number 221...

Never promise to help before you know the job.

I'll talk to Icarus after school.

OK, Pegasus, Icarus' dad is a legendary inventor,

but he's also a legendary paranoid,

so watch out for his home security system.

Ready? Let's go!

Down!

Look out! Ah! Break!

Hang an epsilon!

Whoo-hoo! We did it!

Hyah!

What?

Duck!

Come in! It's open!

I'm out by the pool!

Got the old wax wings out again, huh?

Oh, yeah. Not so good for flying near the sun,

but, uh, you know, great for stunt divin'.

So what brings you to villa moi?

Oh, I was just thinking of you and cassandra.

Ah, yes, Icarus and cassandra...

legendary paramours, heir to lofty loves of Zeus and Hera,

Aeneas and Dido, Narcissus and...

eh, well, Narcissus.

Yeah. What about it?

I was just saying how cool it is that, you know, you're just friends,

and... and that you never tried to, you know,

push it to the next level.

The next level?

Eh, I don't get it.

I mean, ya mean, there's something beyond our current state of ha-cha-cha?

Well, like, you've never, uh, kissed her,

and-and you'd never try to, would you,

because... A kiss?

Hey! A kiss!

Eureka!

Our love must be sealed with a kiss!

A kiss of mythic proportions!

What?! No, no, no!

No. I was saying it's great that your relationship is just friendly!

You know, platonic.

Oh, Plato's a prude!

I will kiss her at the Paeanetsia festival tonight

with mortals, gods, and goddesses looking on in wonder!

She'll love it!

You've put me on the path to osculation!

Ah! Hoo! What the... Not again! Hey!

Osculation?

So you... won't kiss her?

Uh, hello! Osculation means kissing!

Tonight... smooch city or bust!

Tell my little calamatta that I shall pick her up at 7:00.

Hah!

♪ Osculation, osculation, heeeyyy ♪

Well... b I think that went very well, don't you?

- How'd it go? - Uh, it went...

just not exactly the way I had planned.

Did you get him to swear

he'd never get within a hectare of me again?

Sort of.

He's picking you up at 7:00.

What?

He's a smooth osculator.

Are you having another vision?

Sort of. I foresee myself becoming physically ill.

E-excuse me.

My first kiss will not be a lip-lock session with Icarus.

By 7:00... I'll be halfway to Asia Minor.

Hey yourself, cutie.

You don't want to go there.

It's a real letdown after Asia Major, trust me.

Name's Hades, lord of the underworld.

How you doing? H-have we met?

I know your work.

Ha. Love that.

Allow me to cut to the chase, may I?

I couldn't help overhearing

yu're living in mortal fear of a kiss?

Yeah, so?

So I can prevent it from happening.

Boom. Done. No kiss. Guaranteed. Ba-da-bing.

The catch?

All I ask in exchange is a little bitty thing,

your soul. You won't even miss it.

I know I never do.

You seriously think

that I'm going to sell you my eternal soul

just so I don't have to kiss Icarus?

Ugh. Hoo, boy.

I mean, I think the kids call it "osculation" these days.

And listen, sweetheart, I mean, "eternal"?

Who said eternal? I was thinking part-time.

Say, weekends. After school.

And maybe the occasional,

you know, graveyard shift. What do you say?

I get every other sunday off.

Deal.

You sold your after-school and weekend soul to Hades?

What were you thinking?

I was thinking about Icarus' puckered lips.

And how my friend, Hercules, wasn't doing anything to stop them.

Cassandra, wait.

Ahh. She's right, Pegasus. So far,

I've done nothing but make it worse.

I've got to cancel her deal with Hades somehow.

But-but how?

The kiss. That's it.

If the kiss happens, that breaks the deal.

Huh. How do I make that happen?

Huh. That's it.

Godly intervention.

Set a course for Aphrodite's temple.

OK, boys. Simple mission.

Keep this Icarus character

from sucking face with my new seer. Got it?

No seer-sucking. Ha ha. Got it.

Your continuing faith in us

is truly inconceivable, your head deadliness.

Good. Well, that's why I'm sending backup.

Backup?

We don't need no stinking backup.

Boys, I'd like you to meet Doubt.

Yeow!

Or maybe we do need backup.

Maybe, or-or maybe not.

I just don't know.

Doubt, looking good. Nice venom, babe. Come here.

Boy, have I got a gig for you. Ahh.

There it is.

The temple of Aphrodite.

Sure is pink.

Oh, Aphrodite, goddess of love,

Hear me, a humble mortal.

Well, uh, half-mortal, actually, but...

♪ Aphrodite, Aphrodite ♪

♪ Aphrodite ♪

♪ The goddess of love ♪

Oh, good goddess, could you kind of hurry?

I'm trying to get out of here.

I'm seeing someone very special at the Paeanetsia tonight, and... oh. Ow.

My chiton's totally riding up on me.

Oh, ha ha. Sorry.

A-anyway, um, my best friend, Icarus,

Is in love with my other best friend...

Wait, wait, wait. Are they both human?

Uh, uh-huh.

I'm just checking. Go on.

Well, um, see, Icarus really wants to kiss her,

only she doesn't, ha ha,

really doesn't want to kiss him,

so she made a deal with Hades to sell her soul, and...

And you got yourself stuck in the middle, right?

Well, uh, yeah, I guess I, yeah, I did.

Oh, when are you people going to learn?

Love is like plumbing, OK?

Very complex, usually messy,

and best left to professionals.

Oh. But you want to play matchmaker. Fine.

Huh? No, no, I, I...

No, hey, go ahead. You're half immortal.

You can handle it.

Just inject 24 CCS

sub-durogluteal love potion stat.

Huh?

Oh. Nail her in the tush with an arrow.

Oh, wait. Make sure the intended is the next thing she sees.

Oh, wait, no. Only use big ones in an emergency.

And, oh, wait, no.

No, OK, that's all.

Wait. No, yes. OK. All right. Bye.

♪ Aphrodite, Aphrodite Aphrodite ♪

Seconds, anyone?

Mumsy? Daddykins?

More than enough here.

Ohh. I feel great.

I should have sold my soul to Hades years ago.

Sold your soul to Hades?

You kids today.

That's our little casserole,

Always making new friends.

OK, glad you're happy.

A-anyway, it's time for that traditional

reciprocal back-scratch we were talking about.

See, I got this big venture in the final planning stages.

Kind of a, ha ha, a little personal affair.

- And I just got to know... - Uh-uh. Not yet.

Hey, come on. We got a deal.

You get me after you prevent the kiss.

My vision says it happens tonight.

Tomorrow, I'm yours.

Ha, uh. This deal may actually go down tonight.

I... I... you think... hey.

Yes?

Hi. Is cassandra home?

Cassie, there's an armed youth

and a flying horse here to see you.

Oh, no, you don't.

Hey, what's all the brouhaha?

Well, hello, Evelyn.

Oh, ho, Frank.

Hercules, this is not doing wonders For our friendship.

It's for your own good.

My own good?

You don't get it.

I don't like Icarus. I...

I... I...

I... loathe him.

It wore off already?

Wow. She's tough.

Icarus.

Oh, Icky. Wow. Fly me to the sun.

I'm yours, Icky, baby.

Don't worry, it's not permanent.

Come on, we got to get Icarus before it wears off.

But where's my Icky-poo?

Uh, I'm going to go get him now.

Meet us at the festival, OK?

Looking good.

Oh. Wha... I need a shave.

Aah.

He's going to kiss somebody?

I got to get out more.

I could do OK.

We got to make him terrified of the kiss.

We can handle this, big guy.

Add a little greco-sheen.

B... Oh!

How groovy.

And yet insouciably cheeky. Yes.

I like it.

Hmm?

Nooo!

These lips aren't made for kissing.

Hee hee hee.

They're made for osculation.

You have never looked better, baby.

Let's do it.

Aah!

Ay! Ay!

Man, I'm glad that Doubt dude is on our side.

He's scary.

Icarus. What happened?

Come on. Cassandra's waiting at the Paeanetsia, remember?

Smooch city or bust.

Osculation.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I cannot osculate.

What? Why not?

I was stricken by Doubt.

Oh, that's perfectly understandable.

First kiss, you know, it's a big moment. Huge pressure.

No. I mean I was stricken by Doubt!

♪ Halt that hero, thwart that kiss ♪

♪ Make him fear, oh, doubt, don't miss ♪

♪ Go, Doubt ♪

What are you doing?

Ringing Doubt's bell.

Scissors cut paper. Ha ha ha.

You tell Hades.

You're n-not mad?

Mad? Why should I be mad?

What, do I look mad? Come on.

I was going to the Paeanetsia anyway.

So now I can take care of them.

Maybe a little more sulfur, huh?

What do you think, huh? Is this too much red?

Oh, it's you, boss.

You want us to come with, huh?

No. No.

I want you to marshmallow.

Yes, your incredibility.

And not too crispy.

You know I hate that.

No. I don't want to kiss the girl.

You can't make me.

You're not the boss of me.

That's doubt talking. Not you.

And this is love talking.

Do I have to spell it out for you?

E-R-O-S. Love.

Come and get it. Rrrr.

There you go, Icarus. Smooch city.

Icarus?

Get back here, you hunk-a hunk-a burning Eros.

Aah!

Ay!

No. No!

Please, I can't.

I can't.

I can't believe what I'm saying here.

I got the keys to smooch city

and I'm living in Scaredyville?

Come on.

Doubt's venom must've worn off.

This is it.

Aah!

Dag bulimee.

Hold still, my sweet feta dumpling.

The arrow wore off.

But there's more where that came from.

Whoa, hey.

Hades.

It's rude to point arrows in public.

Doubt, would you teach this creep some manners? Come on.

Look, I'm representing your friend Cassandra in this case.

And I am going to keep her innocent

beyond the shadow of a doubt.

Pun.

Uh.

Hello? You're supposed to take care of this.

We had a deal.

No!

Icarus!

I didn't want to kiss him,

But I didn't want him dead.

You didn't specify.

Anyway, he's not, like, "dead" dead.

I mean, he's as good as dead.

He's in the eternal sleep mode,

but he's not dead.

Aphrodite! Ha ha.

This plan isn't working.

♪ Aphrodite Aphrodite, Aphrodite ♪

♪ The goddess of love ♪

OK, what's the problem here?

Hashi babba. Ha.

Aphrodite.

Whoo. Ha ha. Ooh. Flare up.

Hey, hi.

You look like a million drachmas.

You want an apple? Ha ha.

Please. Oh, eew, oh.

Snaky thing.

Oh, Hades, Hades, Hades.

Pulling that eternal sleep stuff again.

That is so last week.

Well, no, no. I mean. Well, yeah. But...

OK, shut up. Here's the scoop.

He's not dead. He can be awakened,

But only by a kiss from the one he loves.

You're kidding, right?

She's kidding, right?

Uh, no. No. But look, you can't,

- 'cause we got a deal. - Hey, you stay out of this.

Cassandra, you... you got to do it.

Oh, and I'll provide atmosphere.

♪ Which one am I going to choose? ♪

♪ To pucker up ♪

♪ Or let him snooze ♪

♪ Either way, I'm in a crunch ♪

♪ I'll lose my soul or lunch ♪

♪ My lunch ♪

Just like my vision.

I died and went to Olympus.

Real fairy-tale ending.

Grim.

OK, cookie, I know our deal's blown, but have a heart.

I got to know about this proposition

I got in the works, OK?

I got a major case of the hots for Aphrodite.

Flare up, hoo.

Whoa, there I go again. Whew.

I want to ask her out on a date,

But as you can probably imagine, I don't handle rejection well.

So I got to know. Just tell me.

Will she say yes?

Are you kidding? She will say no.

Ouch. She hurt me.

Question, am I mortified?

Answer, yes.

And, I mean, that breath. That sulfur breath.

What is that? Ugh.

And I'm engaged. Hello?

All right, I think you know Hephaestus.

What are you thinking? Hephaestus.

Hephaestus? What are you trying...

I know hephaestus.

Big guy, jealous type, carries, like, a hammer.

Heph!

How you doing, old buddy?

So, hey, who's minding the forge?

I hear congratulations are in order, by the way.

You're not angry, are you? 'cause I happen to think

your fiancée is a goddess, do you?

Oh. Ow. Ooh.

Yeah. See? See how he gets?

Ooh. Aah. Oh, I think that's enough.

That's enough.

First and last, Icarus.

First and last.

Aw, come on. One more. I was asleep the first time.