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All passengers for Paris should report to gate 12

for immediate boarding.

Didier, stop that!

Where's my damned boarding pass?

I forgot my valium. I'll be a wreck.

- Get plastered instead. - Good idea.

- Will you be okay? - Sure.

Take these.

Kevin Deer... Which do you prefer?

Ours isn't bad either.

Hurry up, Annabelle.

I can't wait to meet him.

For Terminal World, he learned tae kwon fu.

I just love tae kwon fu! It's so graceful!

I'm taking lessons.

Look, even they went ape shit!

Wasn't he amazing in Crush?

And Another Day in the Life of Jonathan Straight.

What an ending!

I was in tears.

Sexiest ass in Hollywood.

Definitely. Come on, Annabelle. We better go.

Okay, Didier. Mommy has to work.

But she'll be back real soon!

Be a good boy. It's only for 10 days.

Don't say how long!

Dogs have no sense of time.

1 human year is 7 dog years. Now he'll be depressed.

Now Jean-Pierre is Daddy.

That's me.

- You really don't mind? - I'd have said so.

I almost forgot. "Squidgy-widgy".

His playmate. Put it in his doggy bed.

Thanks, Jean-Pierre.

Get going now. He's getting fidgety.

Calm down.

Mommy will be back.

She's just running an errand.

Now Daddy's in charge.

Good dog... nice dog...

I need you like a hole in the head!

Come on!

What's your problem? Pain in the ass!

I'm finished. We're going now.

I'm done. We're leaving.

All finished.

Their divisional status is at stake.

If they lose, they get demoted

to Division 2.

Bako was seen limping recently.

Bullshit!

And he still is limping.

Your mother limps!

The yellow is a teeny bit too yellow.

But we tried less yellow.

Maria... Jean-Pierre is here.

- Who's that? - It's Didier.

Annabelle left him with me. Cute, isn't he?

I meant to ask... Would you mind dog-sitting...

just for a few days?

I'm busy as hell and it'll be hard to...

He'll love that tom-cat of yours.

She's a pussycat.

Your pussy.

How's the bimbo?

Last Monday. What's her specialty besides tits?

Barbara? She's with Fabrice, our linesman.

I'm sick of being your rain-check. So keep the dog,

keep your house keys and keep your distance.

- That's not nice. - It sure isn't.

I'm working, so go.

How about beige?

Why do I take this tunnel? I know it's under construction.

Why do I do it? What an ass!

Great. We're made for each other.

Kick it!

Again!

Fabrice!

Merendez! Come on!

What's so stupid?

I didn't say stupid.

I just find it weird

to name a dog "Didier".

- Naming a dog "Didier" is weird. - Not to me.

You know it's weird. Don't do your Mr Normal act.

What makes "Didier" any weirder than "Fido"

or... "Pom-pom".

"Funny" maybe, but not "weird".

A feather up his ass is funny.

Sorry, Charlie. There's no comparison.

A feather up his ass

would be humiliating. A name isn't.

Is there a law against dogs named Didier?

Are you against dogs named Didier?

Forget it!

It's just weird to give a human name to a dog.

What do I care? Annabelle thought up the name, not me.

Richard? Coco, here...

It's a sprain, Fabrice. That means 3 weeks of bed-rest.

But next week is the big game!

A big game of solitaire, but not soccer.

No more, Doc.

Richard will kill us.

Bako limps. Fabrice is hurt. We're dead meat.

"Limps" is exaggerating.

The guy's a cripple! What do we tell Richard?

We found him two losers. The goalie's hurt too.

It's not our fault if the goalie's injured.

And Fabrice is no loser.

He's fast on his feet. He's like a rocket.

More like Apollo 13.

Here comes Coco to piss me off.

I called Richard. I told him about Fabrice.

He's upset. He wants to meet tomorrow. 7:30, his place.

Why did you call him?

Fabrice may recover! Why did you snitch?

Save your smooth talk for tomorrow. You'll need it.

Isn't he an ass?

We'll figure it out.

No one's good enough.

- How about Taglio? - He has two left feet!

Even bed-ridden, Fabrice could outrun Taglio.

Who, then?

Hi there, Mijo.

Hi, Jean-Pierre.

Look at me. Pregnancy's great.

- Charlie's gone crazy. - Not surprising.

What do you think of the name "Didier"?

Like it?

I love "Didier".

I was just telling Charlie...

Behave!

Not on my car! Piss somewhere else!

Let's go, Didier.

"Didier"? Now I have doubts.

Maybe it'll be a girl.

Here we are... Stop!

Don't start up.

Not now.

No begging!

You stuffed your face. You're going to explode.

You're a bottomless pit.

Hey, Charlie...

Coco will definitely be there.

He wouldn't miss this! We'll meet at 7:15.

Be on time.

We'll suggest Dovert. He's pretty good.

Find out his price.

And I'm in deep shit. I'm totally broke.

Richard's money? I spent it ages ago.

What do you mean on what?

You never heard of taxes?

You know, that form where they ask for money...

Tomorrow at... No, no, tell me...

I'd heard that one before...

A little different, but... Okay, 7:15.

Shit!

Pain in the ass!

Stupid goddamn mutt!

Look at this!

That's right, get lost!

Thanks!

Today's my lucky day.

WEDNESDAY

Today!

It's 6:15. Another political scandal rocks the...

Get up!

Let go!

Who the hell are you?

Get dressed and scram!

Beat it!

Your clothes! Where are they?

Can't you put on a pair of pants?

Sure you can. These are pants.

Do you speak French?

Put in a leg, uno leggo!

Then the other leggo.

Who is this guy?

Stick...

stick that inside.

Now put this t-shirt on.

Now let's go.

We have to go. I'm in a rush.

And you can keep the clothes. They're for you, okay?

This way.

So long.

Didier!

Yummy yummy!

Where's that stupid dog?

- Hello, Mr Costa. - Mrs Pecassini...

Your friend can't stay here.

He's not my friend.

He scratches. Look what he did.

He scratches?

Why do you scratch?

What do you want from me?

Why are you still there?

Coco?

That's me. The hunk with the ponytail. It's 7:20!

I'm coming. There's a guy who broke into my house...

Tell us about it in person, okay?

Always a phony excuse...

Listen to me!

Now I'm late. I'm in a rush and I have to go.

We'll leave together.

Me and you, outside. Then you're on your own.

I lost my dog. He must have escaped.

A Labrador, knee-high. If you see him...

No problem! I love animals. I had a hamster for 7 years.

7 years is a long time for a hamster!

Is your walkie-talkie working?

Yeah. Is yours?

If Fabrice can't play, we'll find someone else.

Richard, I fully understand if you're worried or nervous.

You've sold me two shitty players.

Bako limps and Fabrice tears a ligament.

I'm neither worried nor nervous.

But I get the feeling I'm being screwed.

You understand?

Purely inadvertent.

Glad to hear it.

To get back to Bako,

he did a great job with Bordeaux and maybe...

Bordeaux was a fluke.

He hasn't kicked a ball since.

What'll Bako do in Paris?

Sell pennants at half-time?

That fucking nigger would lose them!

Don't say "fucking nigger".

Cool down. I was joking...

Sorry. Really funny.

Will you score our goals?

Guess how much we lose if we get demoted.

20,000,000 minimum... from the sponsors alone.

Will you cough up the rest?

Daddy?

Quiet, Daddy's working.

You broke your kneecap a while ago.

Better now?

Yes, it was 10 years ago.

Crying shame if it got busted again.

Why would it?

Find us a solution, fast.

I said fast. You're still here.

I like Richard's suits. They're gorgeous.

Did you listen or did you turn off the sound?

He said he'd bust my kneecaps.

- I'm playing it down. - We're in deep shit.

What a smooth talker! You really blow me away!

I'm reaching my boiling point.

We better change your locks.

He broke in once, he'll do it again.

Tell me when and I'll come give you an estimate.

As soon as possible.

I'm at 33 Boulevard Sarail.

Stop the stagnation! Glory to the Nation!

What the hell is going on?

It's those Nazi pigs.

"Nazi pigs" is redundant.

Serious-looking key!

Stop the stagnation! Glory to the Nation!

I'm going to spell it out now:

I don't know what you want! I don't care!

Just get out of my life! Forget about me! Forget me!

You faggots fighting?

What do you want?

She seems nervous.

Forget it, we're going.

Stop!

I'll get you some cotton.

Squidgy-widgy?

Where's squidgy-widgy?

Look for it.

Didier!

Someone has it in for me.

You found it?

I don't get it.

One day you're a dog, the next day you're a man.

I can't believe what I just said!

It must be one of those Buddhist things.

Reincarnation but at a super-high speed.

Or else...

Or a parallel universe. I don't get it.

We don't know everything.

Human beings don't know everything.

There are things we know...

but not everything.

All finished now.

From now on, this is your plate.

Disgusting...

What exactly happened?

Some kind of "morphing"?

Like that?

No Didier! Not there!

The john.

Pee-pee...

Poo-poo...

You stand in front.

You lift up the lid. You lift it up...

so you don't make a mess.

You take out your little friend

and you aim into the water.

Same for poo-poo, but... sit down.

You can get up now.

Once you finish your poop,

push this. It's called "flushing the toilet."

What else? That's it.

Any questions?

That's toilet paper. It's for...

I forgot... Good thing you asked.

No, that's not it. You got it all wrong.

You take it in your hand and lift it up.

Good, huh?

Better than that canned shit.

- Bshttt. - Nice try.

You can't run up to people and sniff their asses.

It's important. Very important.

No sniffing strangers' asses.

Okay?

- Yesh! - Yeah, but...

People around here know me.

What do you care? You just bounce along.

I'm incredibly sorry.

She's not a stranger, but you still can't sniff her ass.

She's the baker.

She sells us bread.

Forget about the bread!

It's not what's important.

No ass-sniffing!

You can't go sniffing ladies' asses.

Unless they ask you to. Then it's between the two of you.

"Yesh", I've heard that before!

Yes, Coco. I'll meet you at the club tonight.

Whatever time Richard wants.

Fuck you. I said: "Thank you."

Fuck you.

What was I saying?

Oh yeah! Guys neither!

I said no one! Don't pretend you're deaf!

Ass-sniffing is a no-no! No guys, girls, dogs, no one!

And not Mrs Pecassini!

I don't want to have to move!

Keep it up and it's the leash.

I mean it.

- Yesh... - You kill me.

Stay! Daddy go get bawled out then Daddy come back.

Is Fabrice playing?

Sure! He's resting up and he'll be fine.

We need to win.

We'll win for sure.

Richard said 15 minutes.

Thanks, Cyril.

To FCV!

Matches?

It's a girl! We saw her!

- Who? - I'm going to have a daughter!

That's great!

- Guess her name. - Fabrice!

No, it's a girl.

Fabrice, why are you here?

Barbara wanted to dance.

You should be in bed, not dancing in Richard's club!

It's Barbara...

Do me a favor: get lost!

I'll take care of Barbara.

It's a girl!

Even at home, we're always up until 4 a.m.

Why?

We found old cassettes of Robotech, Voltron,

Candy Candy. It's so funny watching them as adults.

I want him to take it easy.

- Okay. - Thanks.

I have the cassette at home.

Sure, sure.

Put on track 3.

No, track 3. This is 7.

Best song on the album.

They watch cartoons all night long.

- Cartoons at night? - On cassette...

Hey, lovebirds!

Is "Coco" short for "cocksucker"?

What? You talking to me?

Is that your car?

We'll kick their asses.

Come on, guys!

At least he's grateful!

Can he stay with you? I have to see Richard.

- No problem. - Thanks a ton.

How are you? Having a ball?

I'm here for work.

Tough life.

I'm here to see Richard. This is his club.

Are you making headway with Miss Tits?

I already told you. She's Fabrice's girlfriend.

Guess what name we chose!

I give up.

The news is good. Things are better than expected.

Fabrice's sprain isn't too serious.

Kamel says the training is going well.

Morale is high.

There's no more cause for alarm.

And my wife is having a girl.

"Amandine".

I liked "Esther", but "Esther Abitbol" is too ethnic.

Jean-Pierre,

I won't lose my temper because it's not worth it.

So I'll reiterate.

If we lose in Paris, you'll be sorry.

Nicely put.

Same goes for you,

Coco.

You're the one who introduced me to Jean-Pierre.

You'll also be a lot better off if we win.

Go easy on him.

I know you were joking around, but there's no ass-sniffing here.

Where to now? A wife-swapping club?

- She's a friend. - I'm a friend.

That's nice. It's Friday night. We're all friends.

But the game's on Wednesday. In four days.

Didier! We're going now!

Sorry, we have to work tomorrow.

Bye-bye, Didier!

Get back inside! Don't stick your head out!

Who is he?

You don't have to whisper. He's a foreigner.

Where's he from?

He's from...

from Lithuania.

I'm putting him up.

- Really? - Why?

That's unusual. Since when do you care about others?

It's my sister.

She's in her "help the homeless" stage.

She needed a favor.

- Why doesn't she put him up? - Good question!

Because she already has... two Pekinese at home.

Two guys from China.

She has her hands full. She needed help.

That's great.

If we couldn't have kids,

we'd have adopted too.

We're in deep trouble. We need a quick solution.

To what?

You scare me sometimes.

What?

They're hopeless.

And it's complicated.

It's the wrong time for transfers.

But we can't replace him.

If Fabrice stayed in bed, he'd be better.

But no, he has to boogie-woogie.

You realize how dumb he is?

Look at all this dog food! Where's the dog?

He must be in my bedroom. Under the bed.

So long!

He's a little weird, isn't he?

- Different culture. - He seems pretty nice.

At least he doesn't bite.

Back into your basket.

I'm sick of this ass-sniffing thing.

Keep your tongue in.

Do I bounce around with my tongue sticking out?

Men keep their tongues in.

Calm down! Are you crazy?

Leave him alone!

It's a she!

Bottles!

Leave Bottles alone!

She's in heat.

Your friend's a public menace!

He's frisky.

He's a rude ass.

I'm exhausted...

He exhausts me!

Leave them alone!

Give them their ball back!

I can't take you anywhere!

What will I do with you?

Jesus!

Come here, Didier!

My little Didier! Good boy!

You're going to save my life! My little savior!

You faggots having fun?

I don't know about the dog world, but ours is full of pigs.

- Let's go. - Whuff?

Shopping.

Come on back!

What a player!

- What? - Take that off!

Do they fit?

Not great.

Too tight?

Yeah.

Yesh.

You know how damned busy I am? Where's your Armenian?

He's a... Lithuanian.

Kamel, I just want you to take a look at him.

See what you can do. He's a little...

but he has great potential.

You have 5 minutes.

Come on, Didjé!

Remember everything I told you.

Here, boy! Heel!

You're a pain!

You are. Believe me.

Let's go back over the basics. Soccer is a team sport.

Respect your team.

If you want to be a loner, play golf.

Exactly.

We're going to do some passes.

I'll pass you the ball. You listening?

I pass you the ball, you pass me the ball.

Ping, pong, ping. I pass, you pass...

Pass me the ball.

Pass it to me!

Hey, Kamel.

Stop!

Listen to me!

Wait!

Pain in the ass!

Look. A CD of Yiddish folk songs.

I want Amandine to hear them in the amniotic fluid.

Why can't they invent easy-to-open CD's?

An easy-open tab.

Are we here for CD's or for soccer?

You want to train at Virgin Megastore?

You're always out to lunch.

Always blabbering on about something else.

Keep cool.

I can do two things at once.

He's pretty fast.

He's sort of a hot dog.

But he's competent. A competent hot dog.

Not with your hands! No hands!

They play free-style in Lithuania?

Come back!

Stay!

What the hell is this?

I'll abandon you in a parking lot!

It's not hard!

Give me the ball!

Pass!

With your foot! Your foot, not your hand!

This is a foot! Pass! Again!

Fetch!

So?

Not bad at all.

I can't believe how you treat him!

Like a dog! You're lucky he's nice. I'd have clobbered you.

Dogs get treated better!

He is a dog.

You disgust me!

You don't like immigrants? Poles are people too!

He can hear us.

Call him over. Don't just leave him there.

Cut it out!

Richard...

- I said after the show. - I know, but...

What is it?

I have an idea that may make you happy.

Make us happy.

I'll give you - for free, on a trial basis -

a player for a year.

Who is he?

A new guy...

Didjé Hazanavicius.

- Very, very... - Where was he before?

He's Lithuanian.

I know a coach there...

Here comes my kid.

Spring has sprung in the forest.

Everyone's very, very happy.

The bees, the daisies, the bees, the mushrooms,

the butter-pillars.

She's cute.

Bring him to my place tomorrow.

Claudie will tell you when.

Isn't everything tiny compared to L.A.?

Pull over here.

Don't you agree, Annabelle?

Make it fast.

Jet lag zonks me out.

I'll get my dog and be right back.

What's this?

We saw it already. A giraffe.

An owl.

A trumpet.

Bless you. Be good.

What's today? You're not in Los Angeles?

You won't believe it! Here are some presents.

Look at all these promo items! Where's Didier?

So... you're not in Los Angeles?

Instead of a 30-minute interview,

I was given 30 seconds...

Are you okay?

- Who's he? - It's my aunt.

She has a deranged son. I'm watching him

until she finds an institution. He's a nice kid.

Come on! He's perfectly harmless.

Are you kidding?

There are limits!

Sorry, I should have told you. You want a drink?

No thanks. What a weirdo!

I'll just take Didier and go.

You can't... He's not here.

My aunt's son is staying here... He's a little...

- I gave Didier to a friend. - Who?

A friend you don't know in the country. Hervé.

Great guy.

- When do I get him? - Whenever!

I'll call you. No, call me and we'll go get him.

Don't rush. We've grown close. He's no bother.

Especially since he's in the country.

My taxi's waiting. We'll go tomorrow.

Sure thing!

Life's a real picnic with you.

She hurt your feelings, but she didn't recognize you.

You're not a dog anymore.

You're not on all fours. You can't lick your balls.

I'll tell Annabelle you died. That you got run over.

No, she'll kill me. I'll say you ran away.

You're a great soccer player now!

That's what we'll tell Richard.

You'll have to behave.

Be on your best behavior. Richard is very, very mean.

Easier said than done.

That's it. That's my proposition.

Why for free?

He owes me one. It's between us.

And he loves playing soccer.

It's his life.

And for him, money doesn't matter.

- Money matters to everyone. - Not him.

Where's he from? His name rings no bell. Haza...

Hazanavicius. It's Lithuanian.

A Lithuanian. Our first.

At least he's white. Nice change.

Richard,

trust me: he's no loser.

He's the real thing.

He's instinctive, inventive.

Well coached, he'll stymie his opponents.

I saw him.

Unusual. But interesting.

Exactly.

He does great head-work.

Just like Bako?

No, Didier's in a different league. He's exceptional.

He has eyes in the back of his head.

You better hold onto him. The bidding is going to be fierce.

Fierce.

Honestly... there's work to be done.

He's not a prodigy. We're not home free.

But he has a feel for the game.

It sure is buggy here.

Richard, how much longer

do we have to hear this crap?

Nadia? You left Camille alone!

I just left for a second!

And you guys!

No one budged!

It's over. Daddy's here.

Thanks.

He starts training tomorrow morning.

Do I smell wet dog?

Get the ball and pass it to Merendez.

Didjé's the best!

A present.

What a clown!

Now we're off to a better start.

Nice acquisition.

He's alert, generous...

He's no son of a bitch.

Don't get too involved in training him.

Kamel won't like that. It's his job.

- Keep your distance. - I know Didjé really well.

In order to play, he needs his papers in order.

Let's have dinner tonight at the club.

Stop watching this garbage!

You stay here and guard the house.

I'll be back at midnight.

It's 9 o'clock. 3 times 7. 21 hours to wait. See you soon.

I left your can on the table. Be a good little doggie.

It's me!

Anyone home?

This is mine and it's not a rag!

Mine.

His.

Hello... Didier, right?

We danced the other night. I'm Maria.

Jean-Pierre is out?

Wout!

Can you tell him I came to take a few things?

No ass-sniffing!

I interrupted your dinner.

Jean-Pierre cooked?

What is it? Can I taste?

What is it?

You can't eat that!

You can't! Not even if you heat it up!

Do you speak French?

BEEF & BONES

- A bottle of house red, as usual? - Yes, thank you.

It's nice here. What do you think?

It's not lavish, but the food's good.

Jean-Pierre and I used to come often.

He's a meat-eater.

I prefer fish. I'm even a Pisces.

Sauted chicken with shrimp.

Where exactly are you from?

Wesh...

Where's that?

Oh, Welsh!

Will the gentleman taste it?

Let me try.

Pungent, but good.

Here's to us.

What do you say in Wales? The same as in England?

It's pretty good.

I love wine.

He has no papers? Nothing at all?

After Lithuania... it's hard to explain...

he ended up in ex-Yugoslavia. He lost everything there.

A tragic story. I only know part of it.

Ex-Yugoslavia was a tragedy. And we let it happen.

Who can help us get his papers in order?

It's harder than a simple naturalization.

We'll have to see.

We'll figure it out.

Let's drink to Didjé.

And to Fabrice's recovery!

And to Wednesday night's match.

To Jean-Pierre, to Coco and to Charlie.

Can I call you Charlie?

You're in luck! That's my name!

Can I call you Richard?

Just don't moan it over and over!

I have to tell you: I love your suits.

Just the other day I told you how much I like them.

It's the truth.

They're classy.

Mentally, Didjé is...

Normal.

It's hot.

Where was I?

Does he ever take you out? If you like walking around,

there are great flea markets. You'd love them.

Just put it anywhere. It's a pigsty. I have to clean up.

I used to have a roommate. Actually, she was Irish!

But she was totally suicidal.

Once she tried gas. Just her luck, I have no oven.

Then she tried drinking bleach.

I had to get rid of her.

Have a seat.

Bianca baby...

Hello there!

I named her Bianca. I had another one named Bernard.

But he died.

On my birthday. What a lousy present.

We'll play later.

What will we drink?

White wine?

"White after red, fit for bed. Red after white,

up all night!"

Pouilly Fumé, Chateau du Nosey,

Pouilly sur Loire.

I'm no wine expert.

So now I live all alone here. Well, sort of.

Sometimes at Jean-Pierre's.

She likes you!

She's usually antisocial.

What's "cat" in Welsh?

Ché? As in Channukah?

It's so guttural.

Are you okay?

Is it the cat? You're allergic?

Lie down! Lie down, breathe deeply!

Don't move. I have just what you need...

Where is it?

It's just an allergy.

It happened to a friend. He became Elephant Man,

but this took the swelling down.

Swallow this.

Better?

You're cold?

Breathe deeply.

Your nose is ice cold!

Where the hell is Jean-Pierre?

Hey you guys! What's two holes in one?

Your nose up my ass!

It's just me, Didier. Good night.

Enough's enough.

I just found your note. You're crazy to haul off Didier!

I was worried! Worried sick!

I found him on my doormat!

You're irresponsible! He could have been killed!

He's simple-minded. Didn't you notice?

Maybe you weren't just chatting.

Simple-minded?

That's just like you. If a guy is nice, then he's a retard.

He's a nice change from all the selfish pigs

in my life!

What do you know about him? He's a freak!

You can't trust him to buy bread!

- He's worse than a kid! - Worse than a kid.

How typical!

Where were you all night? If you were worried sick,

you could have called. I didn't budge!

- Shit! - Be polite.

I'm sick of dogs and cats. I should try leopards!

- Your cat knocked down my CD's. - What?

She followed Didier home.

Scat, cat!

Jean-Pierre, my cat is a she!

And you better be good to her!

Do me a favor: come pick up your pussy.

This isn't the SPCA here.

I'm on my way.

What an asshole!

When I say asshole, I mean asshole.

You play with cats now?

You've forgotten your roots, pal!

Did you sleep together?

Tell me. I won't scream. I don't give a shit.

Did you use a condom? The mere thought disgusts me!

I know, you can't talk. Very convenient...

This may be hard to grasp,

but I don't like it when my dog steals my girl!

And you're not even my dog!

Come on, there's no use discussing this.

Jesus, I better cut your nails.

Your claws grow so damned fast!

Didjé, you and Merendez make a good team.

For free kicks,

Domez, post one.

Curlesse, post two.

Balloul covers Doberman.

Everyone in place! Everyone at his mark!

Okay, I got a little carried away.

I was really worried.

Are you busy on Wednesday?

I'll be in Paris for my job.

Me too. We have a game there on Wednesday.

Would you like to come? It's a night game, so...

Okay. Afterwards, you'll take me to a karate movie.

Or a war movie.

Will Didier be playing?

Yeah.

Do you have to run around, jump up and down, walk on my feet?

This isn't a training field.

He's pretty fidgety.

Do you have the time?

Yes.

Annabelle! How nice of you to come back...

I'm in a rush. I came for Didier.

- You want a drink? - No.

I said I'd be back for Didier.

Yes, Didier. D-I-D-I-E-R. My dog.

I'd like him back now.

Let's go get him.

From your country friend I don't know.

- I have to call. - Don't treat me like an ass!

You're a lousy liar! Where's my dog?

- Don't scream. - I'll scream if I want to!

I'm entitled to some respect. That means the truth.

Just tell me where my dog is!

Okay, okay.

You want the truth?

That's the truth.

There's Didier.

That's Didier. He's not a dog anymore.

It's him. One morning this guy woke up in Didier's basket.

Your dog turned into him. How?

I have no idea, but it's the truth.

- I knew it. - What?

I saw it in his eyes.

I felt it. I just knew.

Yes, little Didier!

Now I recognize you, Didier.

I'm so sorry I kicked you the other day.

He's so gorgeous!

As gorgeous as before, isn't he?

You take it so well.

In Brazil I saw...

such weird things!

- You'd never believe me. - I might...

I'm becoming pretty accustomed to weird.

He still has doggy eyes.

You want a drink? I sure could use one.

Same raunchy breath.

Try brushing his teeth. It's pure hell each time.

He needs to see Madame Massart.

Why? Is she a dentist?

Not exactly.

MADAME MASSART PODIATRIST-HYPNOTIST

Your eyes are heavy.

Very heavy.

You're asleep.

- But you can hear. - Is this Candid Camera?

He has a very electric aura.

He's an electric dog.

Annabelle, I can't work like this!

His waves are too negative!

Do me a favor and leave!

Go be a wise-guy outside!

Get out!

This isn't a circus.

Now we're voyaging into your past.

We're moving... a few weeks back.

A few months back.

How do you feel?

- He's a dog. - I'd never have guessed.

Let's go farther back.

What do you see?

Tell us what you see.

What's going on?

I am Rhodopis, wife of the Pharaoh of Egypt.

We've gone too far back.

He's very receptive. Very interesting.

800 francs. Can he come back tomorrow?

No, he has a game! Don't start up with me.

WEDNESDAY

Tarino, look! 57 grams.

Digital. Liquid crystal screen.

Yeah, but the picture sucks!

I have to adjust the antenna.

- How does it look? - Great. The problem's solved.

Give me your paw.

Down, down.

Remember, you get the ball and you pass it to Merendez.

I'll be back.

Didjé Vaganetus is a 30 year-old Lithuanian.

He's... a bit older than his teammates.

Merendez is a sub? He isn't playing?

No! We'll get screwed if we attack! We're playing defense.

Why defense? Merendez and Didjé are great strikers!

I let you do your deals! Let me choose my boys!

The best way to learn more about Didjé Havazavicius

is to ask Didjé himself.

Not a good idea.

You're on the air. Go ahead.

- Robert? - Go ahead.

Hi, Jean. I'm here with Didjé Hazanavicius.

Didjé, this is your first big game.

The Paris team is in great shape. They have N'Goté,

Doberman, the best striker in the championship.

The pressure. Do you deal with it? Is it hard?

Soccer... team sport... golf!

Didjé's parents are on the phone.

Don't worry, it's good news.

His mother's having a baby or has just had one.

Your reaction?

We won't find out more about Didjé Hanavicious.

No, but at least we know his mom's having a baby.

So now he's a soccer star? It's all so incredible!

Not really. When Didier was still a dog,

he loved playing with balls. He loved playing fetch.

This comes as no surprise.

I have a niece. She's amazing at drawing.

They put her in advanced math. How dumb!

You're telling me...

Welcome to the Parc des Princes! On the field tonight,

it's Kamel Mimouni's FCV team against Paris.

Back and better than ever after last week's injury,

let's all welcome the best striker in the championship,

Yann Doberman!

I took advantage of you.

I never asked your opinion.

I was thinking about myself. Don't do this if you don't want to.

We can call it off.

Tell me... Do you really want to play?

Yesh!

You came by car? No traffic jams?

How are the flowers?

They're beautiful, thanks.

You can't still be angry...

I came to root for Didier.

Four hooligans are we Going to gay Paris

To trash, to trash, to trash

To trash the fucking stadium!

We even have our tickets...

Your ass is grass!

Look who it is, guys!

John and Yoko!

And FCV gets possession!

Good dog! Good dog...

Doggone good!

FCV gets the ball.

Lamar and Domez shake hands.

Both teams

play fair.

A far cry from the excesses to which we're often subjected.

Diotto passes to Curlesse.

Nice work, Curlesse!

He kicks it back to Dioto!

Guaki steals the ball.

Cotillez tackles him! Namou has it now!

Open your eyes!

- Paris has the ball! - Guaki to Doberman!

Watch out!

Pull back!

Nice move by Didjé! He's on his own! He breaks forward!

He looks for someone

and kicks...

Out of bounds.

What the hell was that?

He kicked it to Merendez as planned. Don't blame him!

It's Paris' ball.

A "chuck"

in "soccer-ese".

It looks bad!

Doberman attacks!

Doberman advances!

Believe me, that hurts.

Does that ring a bell, Jean?

Not exactly the same note, but pretty damn close.

- Damn TV! Was it in? - No, out. Like the goalie!

He's out of commission.

He's out cold!

That must hurt. What are those poles made of?

Kevlar.

The new goalie is Perrier.

With a twist?

Excellent.

A new Paris offense.

Doberman...

N'Goté... Jaboudine...

N'Goté...

He'll be encountering Didjé again.

Very nice counter-attack.

Perfect technique.

A "bootleg" in "soccer-ese".

Excellent save. Rather unorthodox, but highly productive.

Didjé breaks past Jaboudine. He's down.

He fell on purpose!

No, he didn't!

Jaboudine took a dive.

A "downer"

in "soccer-ese".

Didjé fell into the trap.

Paris has the ball!

I don't fucking believe it!

Your Rumanian is great!

When I stick your head up your ass, I'll leave the ponytail out.

Doberman's alone!

It's a goal!

A first goal for Paris

scored by number 1 1

Yasser N'Goté.

Come here, Perrier! It looks better from here!

1-0, Paris leading.

All hell seems to have broken loose on the field.

Perrier is pissed off.

It looks bad. The referee is now involved.

Keep your mouth shut!

He's out.

- Perrier's out! - That's a twist.

What the fuck?

Go to the locker room.

- The ref was paid off! - You want him to work for free?

No goalies left. Kamel has to choose.

A field player as goalie.

It sometimes happens, but it's never an easy choice to make.

"Eeny-meeny-miny-mo." You know better than me.

Kamel has chosen

his new goalie. It's Didjé

Havazavicius who's been chosen.

So it would seem. But his name is pronounced

"Kanabanistuc".

What kind of name is that?

Labrador.

Changes in the FCV roster:

José Dioto is being replaced by number 12,

David Merendez.

Watch the cage, okay?

The cage is your house. The ball mustn't come inside!

Get the ball and kick it far. Far, far away...

Far, far, far away.

Number 5 at the goal,

Didjé Havanazicius!

Paris is leading 1-0

and they want a second goal.

They're playing well.

He just wiped it away!

It's an "ass-wipe". Clean, slick, professional.

A technical manoeuvre manoeuvred with lots of technique.

Your hands! You can use your hands!

You can't stay here. Push it back!

FCV counter-attacks!

Paris hasn't prepared its defense!

Amzallag, desperately

searching for Merendez!

Long center!

Merendez ties the game!

First goal for FCV

by number 12

David Merendez.

No problem! We'll break the tie!

1-1 is the score.

Both teams are playing hard.

Free kick!

They need a giant screen here!

What clowns!

Mommy's little dog!

An excellent dive

by Didjé Canipnup. Careful...

Kick the ball! Kick it!

Didier mustn't step

into the goal with the ball. Goal!

Goal for Paris...

That's the rule. It's in the book.

How could he do that after such a catch?

Yet another glorious sports mystery.

Paris is now leading FCV 2 to 1.

You sold me a major moron.

I didn't sell him.

I got him on a trial basis.

The trial's over. Keep the jackass.

He's no jackass. He's human. I don't like how you talk.

You're not made for this job. Find another one.

We better not meet again.

You get his drift?

Coco, you have 45 minutes of credit.

Morale is pretty low.

They have to stay motivated to the end, but it's tough.

- It's his fault. - You never make mistakes?

Never?

We have no choice now. We play offense. We attack.

Domez, take Balloul's place.

Balloul, up front. Curless behind.

Forget what I said before. Now we attack. Okay?

We're going to win! Yes or no?

Didjé, come here.

Sit back down.

Didjé doesn't seem at all phased in this second half,

though he could stop clowning around.

He seems to have heard you!

Finedel...

Pass to Lilive.

Lilive, who was attacking, pulls back.

"Early retirement" in "soccer-ese".

Don't just stand there!

- Why is he turning around? - No idea.

The other way!

Goal by Didjé

Hazicius for FCV!

2-2 after an amazing shot from the center circle!

I love it! It has a built-in clock!

Even if you came to see Didier, I'm glad you came.

Jean-Pierre, I don't give a damn about soccer.

You know that.

I've thought it over.

These past few days, I've realized...

that you count more for me than I let show.

I mean, I went about it wrong.

Go on.

For once you're talking without asking for a favor.

I want to live with you. I want us to be together.

So...

I'm asking you...

officially...

to reconsider my case.

- Didier! - Where?

Didier... It's Didier!

This is incredible!

Look at the dog!

My Didier!

He's beautiful!

It's a goal!

An amazing goal by a dog!

If it's accepted, FCV will be leading 3-2.

Will it be accepted?

Technically, anything on the field goes.

The dog used its snout...

If he'd used his paws...

They'd have called "Paw-ball!"

I thought it was crazy in Italy! It's worse here!

Now my picture's perfect!

But the sound sucks!

I have to adjust it.

What a gorgeous pheasant!

The paw!

You were pulling my leg.

Please evacuate the field.

The match isn't over yet.

Good move, Didier! That was great!

Don't drive too fast. He gets car sick.

Are you okay, Didier?

It's weird seeing you like this.

You understand me?

Things have been crazy. We didn't get to talk.

I didn't get time to thank you.

Thanks.

You may understand, but I don't. What's going on?

What am I doing here?

You said to come, so I came.

We walked out of the match.

Okay, I don't care.

I don't like soccer.

But now... I wish you'd explain a few things to me.

There's nothing to explain.

What's wrong?

Is there something on my snout?

Stop horsing around!

Cut!

Subtitles by Andrew Litvack

Subtitling: HIVENTY

Well... okay, we can go now.