Original subtitles

♪♪

There. I believe Danny's old room is officially ready for its new tenant.

And to think, it only took seven coats of paint to get it to stop smellin'

like the inside of an old gym bag.

When Ben finally moved out of the house, I just opened the door

and started parking my car there again.

Ben: Can we come in?

Ooh! Not yet!

Okay, um...

Oh. Uh-oh... yeah.

And now, we're ready.

All: Surprise!

Fifty square feet of living space, a lovely fake kitchen,

and a window overlooking an air shaft.

But the best part, rent is only a daily "I love you, Daddy."

I love you, Daddy.

She's growin' up.

Hmm? Her own bedroom, a big-girl bed.

This is quite a milestone.

Oh, Benji. It's gonna be okay.

She'll always need her dad.

Thanks. But I just realized I finally get to have sex in my own room again.

Oh, my God. It's been so long.

(theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪

♪ Can take your life and change direction ♪

(bell dings)

Okay, Emma, you are about to be welcomed

to the amazing world of professional wrestling!

Though some might mock you for your choice...

Just know that you

are on the side of righteousness!

Yeah.

Hey, remember when we were nine?

And you crushed me with your thighs so hard it dislocated my shoulder?

That's when I first started thinking you might love me back.

And that's when I first started thinking,

"Diet, Riley. Diet."

You know, we would've made a lot fewer visits

to the hospital if someone just told us it was fake.

Seriously? Why don't you just tell her

about Santa Claus or the pope while you're at it.

The pope is real.

That's more like it.

(bell dings)

Wait. Yeah, I think I know that guy.

Ryan Davidson. He was my roommate

during training camp.

The last spot on the team came down to the two of us,

and I got it.

I always wondered what happened to him.

Maybe you should give him a call.

He doesn't wanna talk to me.

I'm still a Ranger and he's a wrestler.

He's livin' the dream.

I really hope the baby gets your eyes.

Ooh! Tucker, perfect!

I need some expert advice.

Dude, I told you. I'm not a doctor.

I mean, I'll look at it if you want me to.

What? No, no, I'm trying to craft the perfect text

to seal the deal with this girl I right-swiped this morning.

Too bad there's no emoji that says,

"Hey, wanna just come over and have sex?"

Ah, the question all men wish they could ask.

I mean, other than, "Why can't you be ready when you say you will?"

Is it so wrong that all I wanna do

is christen my room and not be bogged down with all that caring

or name learning?

Karma got it right by givin' you a daughter.

I'm walkin' a tightrope here, man.

Too sweet and she thinks we're starting a relationship.

Too direct and it's over before it starts.

There's just no way to say it.

(phone buzzing)

"How about I come over around 11 tonight?"

There's one way to say it.

-It's her. That is what she's saying, right? -Yeah.

Oh, my God, it's a miracle.

-Hey, guys, what's goin' on? -Oh, Ben just found a bang buddy.

-(laughs) -I really enjoy our little talks.

So, how do you decide who's gonna win or lose?

Oh! And have you ever gotten in a real fight during a fake fight?

Oh, and-- and... why is it called a ring

when it's actually shaped like a square?

Sorry, I got so many questions.

I'm just a huge fan!

Don't be too impressed.

I'm in what you might call a second-tier league.

Most people who come to see us just wanna get out of the cold.

Second tier is still impressive.

I'd kill to get in any ring.

Well... fake kill. I know how it works.

I could probably make that happen.

Seriously?

Maybe you could be a special guest fighter.

I mean, wrestling a New York Ranger,

that kind of publicity would really help us out.

Dude, that'd be amazing.

Can I come up with my own signature move?

Can I hit you with a chair?

Oh, my God, it's all happening so fast.

-Oh. Hey, Tuck-Tuck. -What up?

Rockin' some plaid today, huh? Okay.

Oh God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh God, what is he doing here?

Who?

What, the guy with Danny? Do you know him?

Yes! I know him. I ruined him!

-What, did you have sex with him? -Yeah.

-Oh, I was kidding. -Oh God.

During Danny's first training camp,

it came down to the two of them for the final spot.

So, the night before the last practice,

I took Ryan out and filled him full of booze,

and, you know, one thing led to another,

and let's just say, Danny made the team.

Does Danny know?

Oh God, no!

He would be crushed if he learned he made the team

because I scored and he didn't!

I was never here.

Wait. Wait.

So, you think this girl is coming over tonight

for no reason other than to have sex with you.

Did I stutter? If I did, it's only because I'm s-s-s-so excited.

Okay, well, that kind of girl is like a unicorn.

She doesn't exist. Tonight it's sex, tomorrow it's...

"Hey, babe, sell the Porsche. We need to get a minivan."

I am telling you, she's just looking for an in.

So am I, Riley. So am I.

Ben, women don't have sex unless they have feelings for you,

so if you're not in it for the feelings, well, then...

you won't be feeling anything of hers.

Really? So just bottom-line me, what is the absolute least I have to do to get some?

Well, Romeo,

uh, if you really wanna christen the room...

which by the way, ew...

uh, you're gonna need some candles, some wine,

perhaps treat her like a human being.

How about two out of three?

-(thudding) -What the hell was that?

(grunting)

Both: Hey, guys!

Yeah, they wanted to practice at our place,

but I felt more comfortable with them breaking your stuff.

(grunting)

By the time the slow-witted tortoise

woke up after an evening in the forest,

the momma bear had ruined his hockey career.

Now she was worried that the tortoise

had figured it out, and was laying a bear trap.

You get that I'm the momma bear, right?

Yes.

Do you think that Ryan figured out that I'm Danny's mom,

-and put it all together? -Yes.

-Wow, you're wise. -(thudding)

What is going on out there?

-(grunting) -This is usually the point in the video

when I realize I've downloaded the wrong one.

Oh. Hey, Mrs. Wheeler. You lose your "vitamins" again?

Tucker. All right, Tucker? Can I speak to you

in Emma's room for a moment, huh?

-Tea party! -Oh, of course, sweetie, yes!

I promised a tea party. Oh, how lovely.

Oh, my goodness. Oh...

(British accent) So, why didn't you tell me that Ryan was here, gov'nah?

(British accent) Because I didn't care, Your Highness.

Oh. Oh, well. Well, if you don't start caring,

-I will shove a scone so far up your-- -Good point, love! Okay!

(both laughing)

I, uh, I heard Danny is going to wrestle him

tomorrow night for publicity.

(in normal voice) What? Don't you see what's happening?

Danny is living the life Ryan should've had.

But I destroyed him, so he's here to destroy Danny!

Oh. (laughs)

Oh, I mean... (British accent) I do believe he will

get him in the ring and just shred him to pieces.

Ahh, I need your help. We need to stop Danny from wrestling

without telling him the truth. Mm-hm.

Oh. Please, Emma?

Oh.

It's up to you, Tucker, where this goes.

(knocking on door)

Anita! Yes!

You look like your profile pick. Finally!

-Do I look like mine? -Meh.

Can I offer you a glass of wine and some soft candlelight

while we get to know each other better?

Well, I don't drink, and I'm actually meeting some friends

in a half hour, so...

(stammering) So, you wanna go straight to...?

Your room. Is that okay?

Is that okay? That wins the award for most okay statement ever.

Yeah, it's just over there to the left. Will you excuse me for just one second?

Hey. What do you want?

Just delivering some breaking news.

Unicorns are real, and I'm about to go tame one.

I'm tellin' you, it was perfect.

She just got up and left.

No obligatory cuddle, no awkward conversation

about when we're gonna see each other again.

Wait. What was the name of this app you met her on?

Right, but you're gonna have to see her again to give her back her earring.

Wait. What? How do you know Anita left her earring?

Because a bra is too obvious, and you can't walk home without your shoes.

Sure, she's fine with the 11 p.m. booty call now,

but Anita is playing the long game,

and you're falling for every trick in the book.

No. Never happening. Anita's not that kind of girl.

Oh, my God! My watch stopped, all the clocks in the house are wrong,

and I don't know where my phone is.

(muffled ringing)

Oh my G-- How did that get there?

I'm already an hour late for wrestling practice. Oh!

Guys, don't forget, my big match is tonight.

Spoiler alert: I lose, but you won't see it coming.

Oh! Hey. Hey, honey, I just came by to stop you.

I mean, get you-- um, talk to you.

No time, Ma. I've got to get to the ring.

Oh! Well, then, it's a good thing I caught you, then,

because I just discovered that you can't wrestle,

because it's against your contract with the Rangers.

Oh. Yeah, I knew about that. That's why I already cleared it with the team.

Oh God, you picked now to read your contract?

-Um... -Mom, I gotta go.

Oh, let me just hug you before you go, honey. -Mom-- Mom--

-Let me hug you. Let me hug you! -Mom. Mom. Mom.

-I love you! I love you! -Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom, let me go!

I love you!

Listen, Danny, all right, have fun, and don't look back.

Seriously, on the way there, don't look back!

Okay. (screaming) Tucker!

Is it just me, or is my mom acting kind of weird?

It's never just you.

-(phone buzzing) -Oh! Oh, the phone!

Ten bucks says that's her, she had a great time,

and she can't wait to see you again.

Well, you're on.

And it is from Anita. And she says, "Had a nice time.

Can't... wait to see you again."

Ah! Oh! I knew it! God, I hate that we are so predictable.

-(phone buzzing) -Ooh, a follow-up.

"Maybe I can swing by for 20 minutes at lunch time."

Why would she wanna do that?

Two words: She's horny.

Tucker: Mrs. Wheeler, wrestling is Danny's dream.

I mean, his odd, kind of creepy, kind of man-grabby dream,

but you're never gonna get him to quit now.

I know. Which is why I am gonna have to stop Ryan myself.

Do I even need to ask how?

Seducing Ryan is what got me into this mess,

and seducing Ryan is gonna get me out of it.

Nope, I had it.

Look, I'm just gonna get him drunk and lock him in his motel room.

Isn't that exactly what got you into this mess in the first place?

What are you, the memory police?

Listen. He's only here for one night.

It won't be a problem, okay?

Take it.

Ryan? Oh... (grunts)

Ryan Davidson?

Is that you?

Oh my goodness. How, after all these years, we both look so great.

I'm sorry, have we met?

It's a little hard for me to keep track of all my fans.

Oh. But I was a very special fan.

Yeah, that's what they all think.

Enjoy the show tonight.

I guess slamming his head against the floor

made him forget about you.

Hey, real quick, can you slam my head against the floor?

Oh, he remembers me, all right.

Nobody forgets Bonnie Wheeler.

No matter how hard they try.

Hey, Steve.

Can you prep a B-12 shot for me?

I need a little somethin' extra for the show tonight.

Oh! Tucker. I know how we can stop the match.

Well, at least how you can stop the match.

Nope, not doin' it. Don't even ask. I'm going home.

-Okay, I'll buy you dinner. -Lobster?

-Pizza. -Steak?

-Pizza. -Done.

Aah, I was hopin' for the pizza man.

I wanted to tell you, Anita just stopped by,

and she didn't even stay the full 20 minutes.

Not really somethin' to brag about.

Ben, I'm sorry, but this girl is playing you perfectly.

Mmm, pretty sure someone who has feelings for me

wouldn't accidentally call me "Bill."

And yet, you seem oddly obsessed with her.

I'm not obsessed. If I see her again, great,

if I don't, whatever.

Oh, good! Because if I was her,

and I was, uh, I predict she's about to go radio silent,

totally unavailable, now you're the one chasing her,

and that's when she reels you in like a fish.

(laughs) No. She'd jump at the chance to see me again.

"Hey, Anita. Round three tonight?"

-(phone buzzing) -Oh! Would you look at that.

It's as if she was anxiously awaiting my call.

"Sorry, busy."

"Are you sure?

Late is cool."

Mm, not desperate at all.

-(phone buzzing) -"Still busy."

"How about tomorrow night?" Happy face emoji.

Maybe she didn't get it. I'll send it again, just to be safe.

Oh, you know what? You have something right here.

Oh, it's a hook.

Oh, man, that's really in there.

It couldn't be simpler. Just tell Ryan you're ready to give him his B-12 shot.

But shoot him up with this muscle relaxer instead, okay?

He can't paralyze Danny if we paralyze him first.

Should I be concerned you were carrying

a vial of muscle relaxer in your purse?

Should I be concerned you know how to do that so well?

-There he is. Okay. -(clears throat)

Ry-Ry! What's up, man? I got that, uh, that, uh, B-12 shot you requested?

Awesome! What happened to Steve?

(giggling)

I... I tied him up in the trainer's room.

I'm pretending to be a doctor!

(laughing) You're funnier than Steve.

(grunts)

Sorry, Doc. I'll come back later.

What the hell is the matter with you?

I can't feel the left side of my body.

Ow! That's my right side!

I know! Now quit messing around.

We've gotta go help Danny.

Oh God!

Why does everything always have to be about you?

(cheering)

Oh, dude, I'm telling you, she's not texting you back.

Yeah, I got that, 23 unreturned texts ago.

You people ruin everything.

I kept up my end of the bargain,

a relationship with no commitment, no feelings, no words.

And you know what? The joke's on her.

She slept with me for nothing.

I know that joke.

Oh, my God, that's her.

Her who? (gasps) The unicorn?

Ben: Yeah, like you didn't see this coming?

Um... no, not really.

I mean, how did she know you were gonna be here?

Maybe she went through my phone, or whatever tricks you all use.

Or perhaps it's a coincidence.

And cue the fake date.

Could she be more obvious?

Or... perhaps she's on an actual date.

Don't try and save her now.

If she thinks she can make me care,

then she can think again.

Really? 'Cause you seem like you care.

I don't care.

(cheering, whistling)

I don't think this is right.

Listen. Sweetie, honey, I am begging you, don't do this.

You could get hurt.

You could end your career.

Don't worry, Mom. It's all fake.

(bell dings)

(grunting)

(grunts)

Whoa. That hurt more than I thought it would.

(grunts)

That's because Ryan is trying to destroy your career.

He blames you for not making the team.

Ow! Uh!

-Why? -Because your mother, who loves you very much...

Aah!

(grunting)

...seduced Ryan the last night of training camp...

-(growling) -(groaning)

...to make sure that you made the team.

I'm living a lie?

(grunts, groans)

(growling)

Roundhouse! Roundhouse! Oh, I meant Danny, not you, Ryan.

(thudding)

Look at her. Thinkin' she's so smart.

Like I'm gonna go over there and make a scene or somethin'.

I really don't think she even knows you're here.

Oh, she knows.

She's been makin' me dance, but it's time this puppet cut the strings.

Aah! Dude! That really hurts!

Just tryin' to make it look real.

Hey, you gotta believe me, I had no idea

she sabotaged your chances of becoming a Ranger.

-What are you talkin' about? -That woman who seduced you

the last night at camp, she did it on purpose.

It's the reason you got cut.

But I'd already been cut from the team that afternoon.

That's why I didn't come to the last day of practice.

Really? I made the team fair and square?

-You're not tryin' to hurt me? -What? No. Why would I do that?

And how'd you know I slept with someone that night?

And, God, she was easy.

-What? -Talk about one desperate old broad.

Hey, that desperate old broad is my mom!

Hey, can you hold my head up so I can see what's going on?

God, try to show some enthusiasm!

Anita! Surprise. I see you're too busy to answer a text,

but not too busy to follow me to my brother's wrestling match.

Ben... hi.

-This is Jim. -Yeah, yeah, let me guess, your probably gay, co-worker,

you brought around just to make me jealous?

Why are you following me?

I'm not following you. You're following me!

I can't believe that you're so desperate to get a boyfriend

that you tricked me into believing that we had something special:

sex without feelings.

That's exactly what I thought we had, too.

-So, you're not-- -No, I'm not whatever it is you think I'm doing.

Oh! Well, then, my bad.

So I'll just leave you alone, and you can text me whenever.

Yeah, I don't think so, Mr. Twenty-three Texts.

Let's get out of here.

See? I told you that unicorns don't exist.

I'd like to start off by saying I was wrong.

And for the record, a woman admitting she was wrong is a unicorn in itself.

(grunting)

Yes! Get him, Danny!

-(bell dings) -Yeah! Ha-ha!

Yeah! Yeah!

Oh, my God! Danny, you did it!

Oh God! Oh! I'm so proud of you!

And listen, honey, I am sorry for sleeping with Ryan.

Oh. It's okay, Mom.

Oddly enough, I appreciate why you do what you do.

Is Tucker okay?

Have you seen Ben?

I wanted to apologize again.

Yeah, I think he went to bed,

but, um, you can check his room.

I'm fine, by the way.

Knock, knock.

Aw, don't worry, Emma.

Someday you'll get your own room.