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1
00:00:00,431 --> 00:00:03,634
♪♪
2
00:00:06,077 --> 00:00:09,610
Well, I didn't use breast milk
for obvious reasons.
3
00:00:09,610 --> 00:00:12,513
But if you just hold
the bottle like this,
it won't upset his stomach.
4
00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:14,115
It's all in the wrist.
5
00:00:14,115 --> 00:00:16,417
You are a lifesaver.
6
00:00:16,417 --> 00:00:19,120
I thank you,
Hunter thanks you,
7
00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:20,251
and the guy across the hall
thanks you.
8
00:00:20,251 --> 00:00:21,992
This kid's got some lungs.
9
00:00:23,424 --> 00:00:25,556
Hi, Zoey. Bye, Zoey.
10
00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:28,499
So... (clears throat)
11
00:00:29,500 --> 00:00:31,432
how's your new girlfriend?
12
00:00:31,432 --> 00:00:33,604
Uh, Zoey is not my girlfriend.
13
00:00:33,604 --> 00:00:35,466
She is a friend who just
happens to be a girl.
14
00:00:35,466 --> 00:00:38,539
Much like you, only with
a lot less baggage.
15
00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:41,172
Uh, you delivered her child
on your first date,
16
00:00:41,172 --> 00:00:43,674
so I'd say our baggage
is a carry-on compared to hers.
17
00:00:45,246 --> 00:00:46,917
I thought you
really liked her.
18
00:00:46,917 --> 00:00:50,581
I did, you know, until I saw
a human being crawl out of her.
19
00:00:51,952 --> 00:00:54,225
But we talked about it,
we're cool. We're just friends.
20
00:00:54,225 --> 00:00:55,886
It's all good.
21
00:00:55,886 --> 00:00:58,759
I don't know,
I think Emma might really
like a little brother.
22
00:00:58,759 --> 00:01:00,831
Emma and I discussed it.
She's fine.
23
00:01:00,831 --> 00:01:02,193
(elevator bell dings)
24
00:01:02,193 --> 00:01:04,465
Hey, sorry. One more question.
25
00:01:04,465 --> 00:01:05,966
Mommy.
26
00:01:07,198 --> 00:01:08,739
(whispers)
Emma lied to you.
27
00:01:10,401 --> 00:01:12,042
(theme music playing)
28
00:01:12,042 --> 00:01:15,146
♪ It's amazing how
the unexpected ♪
29
00:01:15,146 --> 00:01:18,179
♪ Can take your life
and change direction ♪
30
00:01:21,512 --> 00:01:23,013
Ben:
Just go to yoga already.
31
00:01:23,013 --> 00:01:24,255
-Zoey and I--
-I'm up!
32
00:01:25,256 --> 00:01:27,288
Oh, my god!
I'm late for practice.
33
00:01:27,288 --> 00:01:29,120
You haven't seen me.
34
00:01:30,721 --> 00:01:32,363
What was that?
35
00:01:32,363 --> 00:01:33,964
He's been having
trouble sleeping.
36
00:01:33,964 --> 00:01:37,228
I need pants, shoes,
my gym bag. So late!
37
00:01:39,069 --> 00:01:41,372
One of the coaches
is giving him a bad time.
38
00:01:41,372 --> 00:01:43,774
Maybe the coach just likes
his players to wear pants.
39
00:01:45,236 --> 00:01:47,608
No, he thinks that Danny's
not playing up to his potential,
40
00:01:47,608 --> 00:01:49,140
which is a nice way
of saying that he sucks,
41
00:01:49,140 --> 00:01:51,812
which means Danny stays up
all night worrying, which means
he doesn't sleep.
42
00:01:51,812 --> 00:01:53,684
Which means the next day
at practice he does suck,
43
00:01:53,684 --> 00:01:56,187
which means,
his coach has a point.
It's a vicious cycle.
44
00:01:57,188 --> 00:01:59,089
Whoo! If anybody calls,
45
00:01:59,089 --> 00:02:00,551
I left a half an hour ago.
46
00:02:00,551 --> 00:02:02,853
No! Wait, tell them an hour.
That way I'll be early.
47
00:02:05,456 --> 00:02:07,198
You know, when we were dating,
48
00:02:07,198 --> 00:02:09,430
I never left for work
without kissing you goodbye.
I'm just saying.
49
00:02:19,810 --> 00:02:22,513
Like I said,
I was just saying.
50
00:02:22,513 --> 00:02:25,145
Okay, say "buh-bye,"
it's time for your nap.
Let's go.
51
00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:26,647
Mama.
52
00:02:28,219 --> 00:02:30,481
See? It sounds to me
53
00:02:30,481 --> 00:02:34,225
like Emma is really feeling
the need for more of a female
role model in her life.
54
00:02:34,225 --> 00:02:36,227
Emma has plenty
of female role models.
55
00:02:36,227 --> 00:02:38,128
First of all, there's you.
And my mom.
56
00:02:38,128 --> 00:02:39,730
Hey, who's got some pot?
57
00:02:41,091 --> 00:02:43,434
'Cause Bonnie Wheeler
needs a dealer.
58
00:02:46,397 --> 00:02:48,899
Well, one female role model
is good enough.
59
00:02:50,201 --> 00:02:52,172
I threw my back out at Pilates.
60
00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:53,604
It's killing me.
61
00:02:53,604 --> 00:02:56,607
I was trying to get extra bendy
for my honeymoon with Brad,
62
00:02:56,607 --> 00:02:58,649
if you know what I mean. Huh?
63
00:03:01,452 --> 00:03:03,784
Well, you got a guy
15 years younger than you,
64
00:03:03,784 --> 00:03:05,986
so I think Bendy Bonnie
knows what she's doing.
65
00:03:05,986 --> 00:03:07,288
Yeah, she does.
66
00:03:07,288 --> 00:03:08,619
Give it up. Pssh!
67
00:03:10,991 --> 00:03:12,523
Come on, Ben.
68
00:03:12,523 --> 00:03:14,094
You're my bad son.
69
00:03:14,094 --> 00:03:16,667
I know you're holdin'.
70
00:03:16,667 --> 00:03:19,199
Actually, I haven't been
holding any of that since
I started holding this.
71
00:03:20,371 --> 00:03:22,503
Ri-- Oh, never mind.
72
00:03:22,503 --> 00:03:25,035
It's like asking a nun
if you can borrow a condom.
73
00:03:27,408 --> 00:03:29,710
You know what, I'm just gonna
call my high school hook-up.
74
00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:31,242
I hope he still has
the same beeper number.
75
00:03:32,813 --> 00:03:35,486
Hey, Mom. Could you not plan
a drug deal in front of my kid?
76
00:03:35,486 --> 00:03:37,318
It's a question
I shouldn't have to ask.
77
00:03:42,022 --> 00:03:44,355
Hey, so maybe
you were right after all.
78
00:03:44,355 --> 00:03:47,197
Emma hasn't stopped saying
"Mama" since this morning.
79
00:03:47,197 --> 00:03:48,999
She even said it to
the lady at the deli.
80
00:03:48,999 --> 00:03:51,402
Oh, well, to be fair,
her name is Mama.
81
00:03:53,334 --> 00:03:55,035
Well, the point is,
82
00:03:55,035 --> 00:03:58,869
I think it's time I found
a baby mama for her
and a hot mama for me.
83
00:03:58,869 --> 00:04:01,171
Ideally, it should be
the same person
84
00:04:01,171 --> 00:04:03,344
but that's not set in stone.
That's where you come in.
85
00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:07,017
You want me to help you
find the perfect woman?
86
00:04:07,017 --> 00:04:09,720
Pfft. Well, as fun and awkward
as that sounds, I think
I'm gonna pass.
87
00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:12,182
Uh, no, no, no,
no, no. No, no.
88
00:04:12,182 --> 00:04:14,455
You broke it, you fix it.
89
00:04:15,456 --> 00:04:16,487
Come on!
90
00:04:16,487 --> 00:04:19,660
Riley, I need you to pick
someone smart
91
00:04:19,660 --> 00:04:22,032
and sophisticated, nurturing.
92
00:04:22,032 --> 00:04:24,535
Really? That's what you're
looking for now?
93
00:04:24,535 --> 00:04:27,197
Well, if she has
all those things,
plus a few curves--
94
00:04:27,197 --> 00:04:30,441
Ahh, there it is.
I knew the real Ben
was still in there somewhere.
95
00:04:30,441 --> 00:04:33,273
Riley, I'm placing
my future in your hands.
Don't let me down.
96
00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:36,747
Okay, um...
97
00:04:37,978 --> 00:04:39,550
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
98
00:04:39,550 --> 00:04:41,552
Penny Paulsen!
She would be perfect.
99
00:04:41,552 --> 00:04:43,514
I work with her.
She's an amazing lawyer,
100
00:04:43,514 --> 00:04:45,956
went to Yale, volunteers
at an animal shelter,
101
00:04:45,956 --> 00:04:47,558
and I don't totally hate her.
102
00:04:47,558 --> 00:04:49,390
Great! But does she have--
103
00:04:49,390 --> 00:04:51,862
Yeah, she has two of them,
and that better be enough.
104
00:04:51,862 --> 00:04:53,864
Yup, two is good.
105
00:04:53,864 --> 00:04:55,366
I mean,
three would be overkill.
106
00:04:56,367 --> 00:04:58,098
Wait, would it?
107
00:05:01,201 --> 00:05:02,603
Oh, you know what,
just set me up.
108
00:05:05,576 --> 00:05:08,138
♪ I got the best weed, yeah,
my green is the finest ♪
109
00:05:08,138 --> 00:05:10,441
♪ I'm the queen of smoking pot
so call me your highness ♪
110
00:05:10,441 --> 00:05:12,443
Ha-ha! Snap, y'all.
111
00:05:12,443 --> 00:05:13,884
-Hey, Ma.
-Oh, god, no!
112
00:05:13,884 --> 00:05:15,245
Oh, damn it!
113
00:05:15,245 --> 00:05:16,617
Ugh!
114
00:05:16,617 --> 00:05:18,018
You're welcome!
115
00:05:19,550 --> 00:05:21,552
Mom, what do you do
when someone hates you?
116
00:05:21,552 --> 00:05:25,055
Well, in my case, I apparently
have their children.
117
00:05:26,397 --> 00:05:28,128
I just had the worst practice
of my life.
118
00:05:28,128 --> 00:05:30,661
Coach keeps saying
if I don't get it together,
I'm gonna be traded.
119
00:05:30,661 --> 00:05:33,133
But I can't get it together
without a good night's sleep.
120
00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:35,636
I just need to find a way
to relax.
121
00:05:35,636 --> 00:05:38,469
Well, I might have a friend
who can help you.
122
00:05:38,469 --> 00:05:40,170
Let me call her.
123
00:05:40,170 --> 00:05:42,573
Boop, beep, boop,
boop, beep, boop, boop.
124
00:05:44,244 --> 00:05:45,876
Hello, Mary Jane?
125
00:05:48,579 --> 00:05:51,351
Yes, I'd like you
to meet my son, Danny.
126
00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:54,224
Ahh!
127
00:05:55,225 --> 00:05:56,957
Oh, my god.
Is that what I think it is?
128
00:05:56,957 --> 00:05:58,659
Well, I don't know.
Do you think it's dope?
129
00:05:58,659 --> 00:06:01,632
You don't have to
call me stupid. I just
thought it was marijuana.
130
00:06:03,394 --> 00:06:05,195
Oh, god.
Okay, listen.
131
00:06:05,195 --> 00:06:07,097
Honey, yes,
it is.
132
00:06:07,097 --> 00:06:09,440
And I think
you should smoke it.
133
00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:11,772
Mom, you know I've never
done drugs.
134
00:06:11,772 --> 00:06:14,445
I'm a professional athlete.
My body is a temple.
135
00:06:15,706 --> 00:06:17,578
Yeah, well my body
is a temple too.
136
00:06:17,578 --> 00:06:19,680
But if you see smoke
coming out of my steeple,
137
00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:21,612
it doesn't mean
a new pope's been elected.
138
00:06:22,813 --> 00:06:24,415
I'll be here all week.
139
00:06:26,487 --> 00:06:28,459
Mom, you're not being
very motherly.
140
00:06:28,459 --> 00:06:30,491
Honey, I'm just trying
to help you.
141
00:06:30,491 --> 00:06:33,063
This is your career
we're talking about.
142
00:06:33,063 --> 00:06:35,195
You have to take
this seriously.
143
00:06:35,195 --> 00:06:36,727
Now take this.
144
00:06:36,727 --> 00:06:39,670
Seriously.
145
00:06:39,670 --> 00:06:42,433
Thanks, but no thanks.
I'm just gonna find
another way to relax.
146
00:06:43,474 --> 00:06:44,705
Hey.
147
00:06:44,705 --> 00:06:47,938
And that way may have just
walked in the front door.
148
00:06:47,938 --> 00:06:50,641
Hey! What you doing
with my stuff?
149
00:06:50,641 --> 00:06:55,415
Look, Danny, I feel so bad
that you've been awake all night
pacing and worrying,
150
00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:57,247
and I really want to be
there for you.
151
00:06:57,247 --> 00:06:59,189
But while I'm being there
for you,
152
00:06:59,189 --> 00:07:01,021
I need you to be
sleeping here for me.
153
00:07:03,594 --> 00:07:04,855
Ma!
154
00:07:04,855 --> 00:07:06,627
Will you call your friend
Mary Jane?
155
00:07:08,859 --> 00:07:10,400
Danny:
I got it, I got it. Okay.
156
00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:12,863
Okay, okay, listen.
Ready? I'm you. Okay.
157
00:07:12,863 --> 00:07:14,535
If it wasn't for you kids,
158
00:07:14,535 --> 00:07:17,007
I could be a supermodel.
Now get me some wine.
159
00:07:17,007 --> 00:07:20,611
(both laughing)
160
00:07:20,611 --> 00:07:23,774
This is good, right?
Okay, okay, do me.
You do me. Do me.
161
00:07:23,774 --> 00:07:24,945
Okay, okay.
Okay, okay, okay, yeah!
162
00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:26,577
All right, all right.
163
00:07:26,577 --> 00:07:28,248
(sniffling)
164
00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:32,022
I've been in love
with Riley my whole life,
165
00:07:32,022 --> 00:07:33,784
even when she was fat.
166
00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:39,730
Oh, my god, it's like
listening to a mirror.
167
00:07:39,730 --> 00:07:42,693
Wait, wait, but Mom,
wait, how do we know
if we're high?
168
00:07:42,693 --> 00:07:44,795
-Mm-hmm.
-Because I don't feel high.
169
00:07:44,795 --> 00:07:46,567
I'm just relaxed, you know?
170
00:07:46,567 --> 00:07:50,901
I feel like scales on
a cosmic lizard gliding
through the universe.
171
00:07:52,703 --> 00:07:54,104
-Shh!
-Oh.
172
00:07:54,104 --> 00:07:56,647
Perfect. I didn't think
either of you were going
to be here.
173
00:07:56,647 --> 00:07:58,478
Now I don't have to drop Emma
off at the babysitter.
174
00:08:00,781 --> 00:08:02,613
(muffled laughter)
175
00:08:02,613 --> 00:08:04,785
Why would you want somebody
to sit on your baby?
176
00:08:07,117 --> 00:08:08,959
Is he always like that?
177
00:08:08,959 --> 00:08:10,490
What are you, Peter Pan?
178
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,593
(stammering)
179
00:08:12,593 --> 00:08:13,764
He's like-- like...
180
00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:16,767
He's like a robot,
like a Benbot.
181
00:08:16,767 --> 00:08:17,998
(babbles)
182
00:08:19,229 --> 00:08:20,701
-I'm Ben Wheeler.
-Say something else.
183
00:08:20,701 --> 00:08:22,703
I'm so mad, I'm gonna
put my hands on my hips.
184
00:08:22,703 --> 00:08:25,035
Rawr!
185
00:08:25,035 --> 00:08:27,878
Okay, looks like
someone's back
is feeling better.
186
00:08:27,878 --> 00:08:29,740
Danny, you can
watch Emma, right?
187
00:08:30,741 --> 00:08:32,883
And sit on your baby!
188
00:08:32,883 --> 00:08:35,385
I just got that!
189
00:08:37,618 --> 00:08:39,720
Emma, pack your bag!
We're getting the hell
out of here!
190
00:08:45,495 --> 00:08:46,997
Hey, sorry I'm late.
191
00:08:46,997 --> 00:08:48,458
I went to go pick up
Penny some flowers,
192
00:08:48,458 --> 00:08:50,500
but they were ten bucks,
so I ditched that idea.
193
00:08:51,702 --> 00:08:53,734
Well, Penny's not coming, Ben.
194
00:08:53,734 --> 00:08:55,065
What? Why not?
195
00:08:55,065 --> 00:08:56,967
Because you're not ready
for Penny.
196
00:08:56,967 --> 00:08:58,569
Well, then why am I here?
197
00:08:58,569 --> 00:09:00,911
Okay, I did an analysis,
and I found that there's
198
00:09:00,911 --> 00:09:04,114
one thing every failed
relationship you've ever had
has in common.
199
00:09:04,114 --> 00:09:05,646
-What's that?
-You.
200
00:09:06,877 --> 00:09:08,679
You have to face the facts.
201
00:09:08,679 --> 00:09:10,280
I mean, when it comes
to meeting women,
202
00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:12,152
you're all look
and no listen.
203
00:09:12,152 --> 00:09:13,483
Thank you.
204
00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:16,687
It's... not a compliment.
205
00:09:17,828 --> 00:09:20,761
This just proves that we need
to build a better Ben.
206
00:09:20,761 --> 00:09:23,764
All right, so,
let's do a little test.
207
00:09:23,764 --> 00:09:25,896
Hi. I'm Brie.
208
00:09:25,896 --> 00:09:28,669
I'm from Alaska,
and I love skiing
209
00:09:28,669 --> 00:09:29,970
and archaeology.
210
00:09:29,970 --> 00:09:33,744
Okay, now ask me a question
about something I just said.
211
00:09:33,744 --> 00:09:36,607
Whoa.
212
00:09:36,607 --> 00:09:39,680
"Seven days of sexy bras."
Riley, go to page 92 real quick.
213
00:09:41,882 --> 00:09:45,215
It's like trying to train
a dog to use a typewriter.
214
00:09:45,215 --> 00:09:47,017
Only harder.
215
00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:51,762
Oh, my god, no!
216
00:09:54,725 --> 00:09:56,697
Here we go,
grab your foot.
217
00:09:56,697 --> 00:09:58,028
Grab it, and...
218
00:09:58,028 --> 00:09:59,429
(groans)
219
00:10:00,931 --> 00:10:02,903
Do not take being young
for granted.
220
00:10:02,903 --> 00:10:06,176
Some mornings, my boobs
touch my toes before I do.
221
00:10:07,177 --> 00:10:08,909
Good morning, ladies.
222
00:10:08,909 --> 00:10:11,181
Now, who is ready
for a beautiful day?
223
00:10:11,181 --> 00:10:12,512
Answer: me.
224
00:10:12,512 --> 00:10:13,844
Because I slept like
a guy who--
225
00:10:13,844 --> 00:10:15,786
Smoked two joints,
ate four pizzas,
226
00:10:15,786 --> 00:10:18,849
and told the guy in 2C
that culottes are making
a comeback?
227
00:10:18,849 --> 00:10:21,491
I should not have bought
ten pairs of those
online last night.
228
00:10:21,491 --> 00:10:23,323
But I feel great.
229
00:10:23,323 --> 00:10:25,055
I can't wait to get
to practice. Thanks a lot, Mom.
230
00:10:25,055 --> 00:10:26,727
-Bye, honey.
-Bye.
231
00:10:26,727 --> 00:10:27,928
(door closes)
232
00:10:27,928 --> 00:10:31,732
Now remember, Emma,
drugs are never the answer.
233
00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:34,134
Unless the question is,
234
00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:37,267
"How come Grandma went
to Mexico on her honeymoon
and didn't get a tan?"
235
00:10:38,809 --> 00:10:40,270
It's a thinker,
it's okay.
236
00:10:41,812 --> 00:10:43,173
Hey, Mom,
how do I look?
237
00:10:43,173 --> 00:10:45,876
I'm about to go meet the future
Mrs. Ben Wheeler for lunch.
238
00:10:45,876 --> 00:10:48,018
Riley stayed up all night
building a better me.
239
00:10:48,018 --> 00:10:49,349
And I know what
you're thinking,
240
00:10:49,349 --> 00:10:50,851
"How do you improve upon this?"
241
00:10:50,851 --> 00:10:52,482
Hm. Not what I was thinking.
242
00:10:53,724 --> 00:10:55,786
But she did, and now
I'm ready to meet her.
243
00:10:55,786 --> 00:10:57,227
Okay?
244
00:10:57,227 --> 00:10:58,558
All right, Emma.
I'll see you later.
Wish me luck.
245
00:10:58,558 --> 00:11:00,430
Oh, one more thing.
246
00:11:00,430 --> 00:11:02,632
I know you're the one
who wrote "Bonnie Rules"
247
00:11:02,632 --> 00:11:04,795
in spray cheese
in the hallway.
Clean it up.
248
00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:08,839
Well, Bonnie does rule.
249
00:11:09,870 --> 00:11:11,441
All right, come on. (groans)
250
00:11:11,441 --> 00:11:13,643
Oh, god. Emma.
251
00:11:13,643 --> 00:11:14,905
Oh, my god, my back.
252
00:11:14,905 --> 00:11:16,907
All right, I'm going down.
I'm going down.
253
00:11:16,907 --> 00:11:18,508
I'm going down.
Emma, clear.
254
00:11:18,508 --> 00:11:19,910
I'm going down,
I'm going down.
255
00:11:19,910 --> 00:11:21,081
(grunts)
256
00:11:21,081 --> 00:11:22,512
Oh, Emma.
257
00:11:22,512 --> 00:11:25,585
Emma, do you know
how to open the refrigerator?
258
00:11:26,586 --> 00:11:28,919
The Chardonnay's
on the top shelf, run.
259
00:11:28,919 --> 00:11:29,960
Run!
260
00:11:30,961 --> 00:11:32,562
...Which is why
owning a bar is great.
261
00:11:32,562 --> 00:11:35,295
I mean, of course it's
nowhere near as impressive
as being a lawyer.
262
00:11:35,295 --> 00:11:36,666
What's your specialty?
263
00:11:36,666 --> 00:11:38,498
Oh, my god,
did you hear that?
264
00:11:38,498 --> 00:11:41,201
He brought the conversation
back to her.
265
00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:42,933
My heart
is so full right now.
266
00:11:46,376 --> 00:11:48,979
Is it me or is it
really hot in here?
267
00:11:51,481 --> 00:11:52,883
So, um...
268
00:11:53,914 --> 00:11:55,746
you were saying something
about... the law?
269
00:11:55,746 --> 00:11:56,887
Yeah.
270
00:11:56,887 --> 00:11:58,919
I loved law school.
271
00:11:58,919 --> 00:12:00,921
-I went to the University
of Rhode Island...
-(thinking) Don't look down.
272
00:12:00,921 --> 00:12:02,222
-(continues talking)
-Don't look down.
273
00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:03,523
Dude, come on.
274
00:12:03,523 --> 00:12:05,495
...family program
for their law school.
275
00:12:05,495 --> 00:12:06,957
Oh, no,
what did she say?
276
00:12:06,957 --> 00:12:09,459
Something about Rhode Island?
Say something about
Rhode Island!
277
00:12:09,459 --> 00:12:10,861
I love Rhode Island!
278
00:12:12,903 --> 00:12:14,204
(thinking) Nailed it.
279
00:12:14,204 --> 00:12:15,936
I wonder if those are real.
280
00:12:15,936 --> 00:12:18,038
He's out, Riley.
281
00:12:18,038 --> 00:12:19,239
I lost him.
282
00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:20,941
What? No, no, no.
Penny, come on!
283
00:12:20,941 --> 00:12:22,943
No! I was just
momentarily distracted.
284
00:12:22,943 --> 00:12:24,714
God!
285
00:12:24,714 --> 00:12:25,976
I can't believe I blew it.
286
00:12:25,976 --> 00:12:27,247
It's okay.
287
00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:28,949
You know, I knew you would.
288
00:12:28,949 --> 00:12:30,680
So, that was a practice Penny.
289
00:12:31,952 --> 00:12:34,024
What? You expected me to fail?
290
00:12:34,024 --> 00:12:36,827
Oh, come on.
Even you expected you to fail.
291
00:12:36,827 --> 00:12:39,860
Okay, well if you think
you know me so well,
what am I thinking right now?
292
00:12:39,860 --> 00:12:41,331
You're wondering
if they're real or not.
293
00:12:41,331 --> 00:12:42,833
Okay, well what am I thinking
right now?
294
00:12:42,833 --> 00:12:43,994
-Same thing.
-Damn it.
295
00:12:46,166 --> 00:12:47,437
Hey, Mom.
296
00:12:47,437 --> 00:12:48,698
Hey, honey.
297
00:12:48,698 --> 00:12:51,371
Mom, I just had my best
practice of the season.
298
00:12:51,371 --> 00:12:52,702
Even the coach noticed.
299
00:12:52,702 --> 00:12:54,474
Yeah, really?
What'd he say?
300
00:12:54,474 --> 00:12:57,808
Nothing. But he usually
says I suck, so "nothing"
is a huge improvement.
301
00:12:57,808 --> 00:12:59,709
Oh, and get this,
302
00:12:59,709 --> 00:13:02,052
I found out that we're gonna
have a drug test before
the game tonight,
303
00:13:02,052 --> 00:13:04,815
so how lucky is it that
we smoked last night,
not this morning?
304
00:13:05,916 --> 00:13:07,587
What? Danny!
305
00:13:07,587 --> 00:13:10,760
Marijuana stays in your system
for like two weeks.
306
00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:13,894
If it didn't, I would be
an air traffic controller
right now.
307
00:13:13,894 --> 00:13:15,595
What?
308
00:13:15,595 --> 00:13:17,197
No, no, no.
This isn't happening!
309
00:13:17,197 --> 00:13:20,070
The first time I do the pot,
I totally ruin my career?
310
00:13:20,070 --> 00:13:21,501
This is all your fault.
311
00:13:21,501 --> 00:13:23,073
Okay, all right,
Danny, just relax.
312
00:13:23,073 --> 00:13:24,935
Okay, you hardly
smoked any, all right?
313
00:13:24,935 --> 00:13:28,038
Hey, although a puff or two
right now might calm you
right down.
314
00:13:28,038 --> 00:13:29,279
Mom! Drug test!
315
00:13:29,279 --> 00:13:30,640
All right,
you're right, you're right.
316
00:13:30,640 --> 00:13:33,343
You know what, people outsmart
these tests all the time.
317
00:13:33,343 --> 00:13:35,015
We just have to find out
how they do it.
318
00:13:35,015 --> 00:13:36,216
Okay.
319
00:13:36,216 --> 00:13:38,218
"How to pass a drug test."
320
00:13:38,218 --> 00:13:39,990
No, not rug test.
321
00:13:39,990 --> 00:13:42,893
Oh, my gosh,
these are some nice rugs.
322
00:13:42,893 --> 00:13:44,724
I should probably
just totally rearrange
my living room.
323
00:13:44,724 --> 00:13:45,926
$400, are you--
324
00:13:45,926 --> 00:13:47,727
Mom! Come on, focus!
325
00:13:47,727 --> 00:13:49,399
Yeah, yeah, yeah, honey.
I'm sorry, I might have had
326
00:13:49,399 --> 00:13:50,830
one too many
of those cookies earlier.
327
00:13:51,962 --> 00:13:53,503
Wait, these cookies?
328
00:13:54,634 --> 00:13:56,836
Danny! No! Oh, god!
329
00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:58,608
What is wrong with you?
330
00:13:58,608 --> 00:14:00,270
Those cookies are full of pot.
331
00:14:00,270 --> 00:14:01,912
What?
332
00:14:01,912 --> 00:14:04,274
Who would bake
pot into perfectly
innocent cookies?
333
00:14:06,116 --> 00:14:08,919
It was probably
that awful Mary Jane.
334
00:14:11,121 --> 00:14:13,283
I am gonna go find her,
335
00:14:13,283 --> 00:14:16,186
and when I do, I am gonna
give her a piece of my mind.
336
00:14:21,091 --> 00:14:24,594
I pulled a lot of strings
with my boss to get us
into the firm's skybox,
337
00:14:24,594 --> 00:14:26,166
so do not let me down, Wheeler.
338
00:14:26,166 --> 00:14:27,898
Otherwise, the next box
that I get you into
339
00:14:27,898 --> 00:14:29,339
will have handles
on the side.
340
00:14:29,339 --> 00:14:32,072
Oh, she of little faith,
I got this.
341
00:14:32,072 --> 00:14:34,404
And if I don't, I got
the popcorn girl's number
just in case.
342
00:14:34,404 --> 00:14:36,676
(chuckles) I'm just...
totally kidding.
343
00:14:38,708 --> 00:14:39,980
Penny!
344
00:14:39,980 --> 00:14:41,251
Find a Penny,
pick her up.
345
00:14:41,251 --> 00:14:42,452
Don't say that.
346
00:14:42,452 --> 00:14:44,454
Penny, hi. Uh, this is Ben.
347
00:14:44,454 --> 00:14:46,086
Hi, pleasure to meet you.
348
00:14:46,086 --> 00:14:48,088
Hi, Ben. Riley's told me
a lot about you.
349
00:14:48,088 --> 00:14:50,160
Oh, well you know,
she's a notorious liar,
so...
350
00:14:50,160 --> 00:14:51,861
Don't worry,
it was all good.
351
00:14:51,861 --> 00:14:53,493
Like I said,
she's a notorious liar.
352
00:14:53,493 --> 00:14:55,195
(chuckles) I can't wait
to hear about you.
353
00:14:56,626 --> 00:14:57,867
(thinking) Wow.
354
00:14:57,867 --> 00:14:59,499
She has beautiful eyes.
355
00:14:59,499 --> 00:15:01,471
There's something
you don't see everyday.
356
00:15:01,471 --> 00:15:03,203
Quick, do something nice.
357
00:15:03,203 --> 00:15:04,774
Let me hang that up for you.
358
00:15:05,775 --> 00:15:07,377
Oh, you know what,
hey, why don't I do it?
359
00:15:07,377 --> 00:15:09,679
I mean, I seem to be
standing in the way anyway.
360
00:15:09,679 --> 00:15:11,811
And now I'm just standing here
talking to myself.
361
00:15:11,811 --> 00:15:14,014
So, might as well
go drink by myself.
362
00:15:15,515 --> 00:15:17,017
Up high,
363
00:15:17,017 --> 00:15:19,449
down low,
real slow.
364
00:15:19,449 --> 00:15:21,051
(chuckles)
365
00:15:21,051 --> 00:15:22,322
Yeah.
366
00:15:22,322 --> 00:15:23,823
-Danny.
-What?
367
00:15:23,823 --> 00:15:25,195
-Danny.
-Huh? What?
368
00:15:25,195 --> 00:15:27,857
I G-O-T the pee.
369
00:15:29,329 --> 00:15:31,061
You got goat pee?
370
00:15:31,061 --> 00:15:32,332
Oh, god!
371
00:15:32,332 --> 00:15:35,205
No! Just regular pee,
you big stoner.
372
00:15:35,205 --> 00:15:37,637
Okay. All right,
this is Emma's.
373
00:15:37,637 --> 00:15:39,769
And unless she's sparking up
behind our backs,
374
00:15:39,769 --> 00:15:41,011
it's clean.
375
00:15:41,011 --> 00:15:42,072
So, um...
376
00:15:42,072 --> 00:15:43,813
just sneak this
into your drug test, okay?
377
00:15:43,813 --> 00:15:45,345
Oh, my god, Mom,
thank you so much!
378
00:15:45,345 --> 00:15:47,117
I couldn't have done it
without you.
379
00:15:47,117 --> 00:15:48,648
Oh, wait, wait.
380
00:15:48,648 --> 00:15:49,949
Someone else is hugging you.
381
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:51,151
Oh.
382
00:15:51,151 --> 00:15:53,984
Oh, never mind, it was just
my other hand.
383
00:15:55,825 --> 00:15:57,557
Ah, you're the best Mom ever.
384
00:15:57,557 --> 00:15:59,429
Well, actually, the best Mom
would be the one who didn't
385
00:15:59,429 --> 00:16:00,590
tell you to smoke
a bunch of weed.
386
00:16:01,791 --> 00:16:03,263
Wait.
387
00:16:03,263 --> 00:16:05,665
-Where's the bottle?
-What bottle?
388
00:16:05,665 --> 00:16:09,269
The bottle! The bottle that
is gonna save your career.
389
00:16:09,269 --> 00:16:10,170
Stop that!
390
00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:11,441
All right.
391
00:16:11,441 --> 00:16:13,243
Oh, my god, Danny,
do you know how hard it is
392
00:16:13,243 --> 00:16:15,905
to get a baby
to pee into a funnel?
393
00:16:15,905 --> 00:16:18,108
Okay, don't worry,
I will find it.
Just stay here and...
394
00:16:18,108 --> 00:16:20,010
(whispers)
try not to act high. Okay?
395
00:16:28,188 --> 00:16:29,759
I'm not high.
396
00:16:32,292 --> 00:16:34,094
Quit looking at me.
397
00:16:35,925 --> 00:16:38,428
You know what,
I'm really glad we met.
398
00:16:38,428 --> 00:16:40,300
You're a great listener
399
00:16:40,300 --> 00:16:43,033
and might I add,
definitely one of the good guys.
400
00:16:43,033 --> 00:16:46,476
Mm, thanks. It's not easy
for us nice guys to get
the recognition we deserve.
401
00:16:47,477 --> 00:16:48,538
Oh, no.
402
00:16:48,538 --> 00:16:50,210
Is everything okay?
403
00:16:50,210 --> 00:16:52,242
Ben, I am so glad
I found you.
404
00:16:52,242 --> 00:16:54,214
Uh, Mom, this is Penny.
Penny, Mom.
405
00:16:54,214 --> 00:16:56,246
Also, Mom,
that's the door.
406
00:16:56,246 --> 00:16:58,388
Door, Mom.
Mom, door!
407
00:16:58,388 --> 00:17:01,351
Your brother is high
as a kite right now
and he needs your help.
408
00:17:01,351 --> 00:17:02,452
(snorts)
409
00:17:02,452 --> 00:17:03,893
Could you excuse us
for just two seconds?
410
00:17:06,726 --> 00:17:08,027
Mom,
411
00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:10,700
I did not spend the last
48 hours de-Ben-ing myself
412
00:17:10,700 --> 00:17:12,162
so you could
Wheeler me back in.
413
00:17:12,162 --> 00:17:15,835
Just whiz into this bottle
so your brother will pass
his drug test
414
00:17:15,835 --> 00:17:17,036
and he can stay on the team.
415
00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:18,138
All right, and then
I'll be on my way.
416
00:17:18,138 --> 00:17:20,270
I just went,
I'm all tapped out. (scoffs)
417
00:17:20,270 --> 00:17:21,241
What am I supposed to do?
418
00:17:21,241 --> 00:17:22,772
Just walk up
to some random stranger
419
00:17:22,772 --> 00:17:24,414
and ask if I can
borrow a cup of pee?
420
00:17:24,414 --> 00:17:25,945
I already tried that.
421
00:17:27,077 --> 00:17:28,348
Is everything okay?
422
00:17:29,349 --> 00:17:30,580
What about her?
423
00:17:30,580 --> 00:17:31,781
No.
424
00:17:35,525 --> 00:17:37,157
(grunts) Fine.
425
00:17:37,157 --> 00:17:38,958
(chuckles)
426
00:17:38,958 --> 00:17:40,790
Hey, um, Penny,
427
00:17:40,790 --> 00:17:42,792
this is actually pretty funny.
428
00:17:42,792 --> 00:17:45,295
Uh, but I was wondering
if I could ask you just
a quick teensy, weensy favor
429
00:17:45,295 --> 00:17:47,567
that isn't weird at all.
430
00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:50,700
Will you mind, uh,
filling this bottle
with your urine
431
00:17:50,700 --> 00:17:52,872
so my brother doesn't
fail his drug test?
432
00:17:55,405 --> 00:17:56,906
I'll hold your wine.
433
00:18:03,813 --> 00:18:05,415
Hey. Hey.
434
00:18:05,415 --> 00:18:06,686
Have you seen Danny Wheeler?
435
00:18:06,686 --> 00:18:08,518
Yeah. He's passed out
in the training room.
436
00:18:08,518 --> 00:18:11,761
If he doesn't turn his cup in
in five minutes, he'll get
suspended.
437
00:18:13,123 --> 00:18:14,424
Oh, my god.
What am I gonna do?
438
00:18:22,132 --> 00:18:23,403
Game on.
439
00:18:26,276 --> 00:18:27,777
(deep voice) Wheeler.
440
00:18:28,808 --> 00:18:30,109
All right,
time to go.
441
00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:31,341
Let's hit the ice!
442
00:18:31,341 --> 00:18:34,043
(all cheering)
443
00:18:34,043 --> 00:18:36,816
Bonnie:
Wait a second,
I forgot to put on my cup!
444
00:18:41,151 --> 00:18:43,453
I'm sorry.
I screwed up.
445
00:18:43,453 --> 00:18:45,555
Any way that was also
a fake Penny?
446
00:18:45,555 --> 00:18:46,856
Nope.
447
00:18:46,856 --> 00:18:50,230
You asked the actual girl
to pee in a water bottle.
448
00:18:50,230 --> 00:18:52,101
But you know what,
449
00:18:52,101 --> 00:18:53,933
you aren't the only one
that screwed this up.
450
00:18:53,933 --> 00:18:57,437
I can't believe I forgot
to factor in the whole
Wheeler family.
451
00:18:57,437 --> 00:18:59,169
I can change you
as much as I want,
452
00:18:59,169 --> 00:19:03,042
but it takes a pretty
special person to love
all the Wheelers.
453
00:19:03,042 --> 00:19:05,675
You should know.
You kind of have
loved all the Wheelers.
454
00:19:05,675 --> 00:19:07,317
Shut it.
455
00:19:09,379 --> 00:19:10,750
Look,
456
00:19:10,750 --> 00:19:13,383
Riley, I may be
all look and no listen,
457
00:19:13,383 --> 00:19:16,256
but I'm also all love
and no judgment.
458
00:19:16,256 --> 00:19:19,289
And that is the kind
of person I need to find
for Emma and for me.
459
00:19:19,289 --> 00:19:21,261
The bottom line is
460
00:19:21,261 --> 00:19:24,434
if you don't find a guy
asking you to pee in a bottle
on the first date funny,
461
00:19:24,434 --> 00:19:26,135
then I'm not the guy for you.
462
00:19:26,135 --> 00:19:30,200
I need a girl
who likes me for me.
463
00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:32,942
I'm sure she's out there
somewhere and when
the time's right,
464
00:19:32,942 --> 00:19:34,504
we'll find each other.
465
00:19:34,504 --> 00:19:36,406
Wow.
466
00:19:36,406 --> 00:19:38,308
That was really deep.
467
00:19:38,308 --> 00:19:40,380
Honey, um, hi.
468
00:19:40,380 --> 00:19:42,111
What-- What are you doing?
What are you doing up here?
469
00:19:42,111 --> 00:19:43,413
Aren't you supposed to
be down there?
470
00:19:43,413 --> 00:19:44,654
Wait, isn't that you?
471
00:19:44,654 --> 00:19:46,155
Wow.
472
00:19:46,155 --> 00:19:47,457
I'm playing great.
473
00:19:47,457 --> 00:19:48,888
-(crashing)
-(crowd groans)
474
00:19:49,889 --> 00:19:52,091
Get up, Danny!
Get up!
475
00:19:54,364 --> 00:19:56,125
(Zoey laughs)
476
00:19:56,125 --> 00:19:58,968
I can't believe you asked
your date to pee in a cup.
That's hilarious.
477
00:19:58,968 --> 00:20:00,330
Right?
Thank you.
478
00:20:03,273 --> 00:20:05,275
Oh, I, um--
I almost forgot. Um...
479
00:20:06,376 --> 00:20:07,907
Here's that bottle
you wanted to borrow.
480
00:20:07,907 --> 00:20:11,411
Thanks. I'm completely out,
I don't know where they keep
disappearing to.
481
00:20:11,411 --> 00:20:13,883
Just be glad you don't
have roommates that steal
them for beer.
482
00:20:13,883 --> 00:20:15,114
(both chuckle)
483
00:20:16,145 --> 00:20:17,617
Anything else
I can do for you?
484
00:20:20,750 --> 00:20:23,253
Uh, no.
That was it.
485
00:20:23,253 --> 00:20:24,794
I'll see you around.
486
00:20:24,794 --> 00:20:25,825
Okay.
487
00:20:29,429 --> 00:20:31,431
So much for that idea.
488
00:20:35,965 --> 00:20:37,407
Mommy!
489
00:20:37,407 --> 00:20:39,369
Yeah, I'm sorry, baby.
That's not Mama.
490
00:20:39,369 --> 00:20:41,010
That's just a friend.
491
00:20:41,010 --> 00:20:42,872
I don't think
she sees me that way.
492
00:20:42,872 --> 00:20:44,544
Hey, where you going, huh?
493
00:20:48,077 --> 00:20:49,178
-(whistle on TV)
-(Bonnie sighs)
494
00:20:50,149 --> 00:20:51,751
Oh, there you are.
495
00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:53,753
I've been meaning to thank you
for helping me out last night.
496
00:20:53,753 --> 00:20:55,084
But I am done.
497
00:20:55,084 --> 00:20:56,286
I've learned my lesson.
498
00:20:56,286 --> 00:20:58,257
I am not using mind-altering
substances anymore.
499
00:21:01,331 --> 00:21:02,762
Well, that's nice, honey.
500
00:21:02,762 --> 00:21:05,234
But you know what would really
help you learn your lesson?
501
00:21:05,234 --> 00:21:07,467
Being suspended
for three games.
502
00:21:07,467 --> 00:21:08,698
-What?
-Yeah, it turns out
503
00:21:08,698 --> 00:21:10,600
that Penny Paulsen was
a bit of a pothead, so...
504
00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:13,943
Oh, god, my back.
It's still killing me.
505
00:21:13,943 --> 00:21:15,705
(sighs deeply) Ow.
506
00:21:15,705 --> 00:21:17,647
Take two of these
and call me in the morning.
507
00:21:19,309 --> 00:21:21,811
And the student
becomes the master.
37384
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