Original subtitles

IAN: We open up against Michigan in two weeks.

Coach's got me hitting the bench pretty hard.

Shit. How much is a lot?

One... No, two.

I'm putting up three hundy.

Well, let's see, Tasty.

(EXHALES)

Wow!

Um...

Wow, you're really pretty. I've never seen...

No, stop it, stop it.

Don't be so fucking desperate. Come on, be a dick. Be cool.

MAN IMITATING VAN DAMME: Don't be a pussy. Tell her she's an ugly skank.

Yeah.

Not bad.

I've seen better.

Yeah, whatever.

Coach's got us running two-a-days, so I gotta bounce.

(BIanKET RUSTLES)

Miss Tasty? How did you get here?

Shh!

(GASPING)

(GROANING)

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

(SNORING)

Ian, wake up, faggot. Judge rolls in 20,

so if you want a ride to work you better get your poop in a group.

-Okay, I'll be right down. -No. Now, Clay Aiken.

Hey...

-Ow! Cut it out. -Hurts, doesn't it?

Shut up! I'm trying to sleep.

Hey, sorry, Big D. Just go back to sleep.

-You, get up. -Give me a minute.

What are you hiding?

You got a big fattie under there, don't you?

Yeah, you do. You're stroking it, too. Oh! What the F?

Good. My boys are all here.

-Dad, Ian's free... -Can it, Rex.

Your pop's got a bombshell to drop, so ears open.

Last night, your old man popped the question.

(LAUGHS)

Show them, Karen.

(EXCLAIMING)

I'm so happy.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, way to go!

Ian, you wanna get off your duff and come over here and give Karen a hug?

Um...

-Yeah, Ian, get up. You're being rude. -Can we do that later?

-Damn it, Ian, get up... -No, no, honey. It's okay.

We have to give him time to get used to the idea.

IAN'S DAD: Karen? REX: Are you okay?

IAN'S DAD: Karen? Karen, honey? REX: You okay?

Sweetheart?

What smells like jizz?

(LET'S GET IT UP PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)

(HONKING)

Let's go! Kick it in the ass, dildo!

(ENGINE REVVING)

(LAUGHS)

Come on, get in. Get in!

(GRUNTS)

(REX LAUGHING)

REX: You suck!

Okay, seriously. Quit being such a fag and get in.

(SINGING) Never go down So let's get it up

(SINGING ALONG)

(COUGHS)

Ian, I'm gonna ask you a question, and I want a straight answer.

-You queer? -What?

-God damn it! I knew it! -I didn't say anything.

Exactly. If someone asks you if you're a pole smoker,

you just deny it, straight off. No pause, no farting around.

Rex, I'm not gay.

Ian, you're 18, and you've never had a girlfriend.

That's how people wind up getting gay, you know.

I don't think that's really how it happens.

Is that not how it happens? So tell me how it happens, expert.

Fucking cock expert. Cockspert.

Hey, what do you like better, the shaft or the balls?

That's gross. I don't know why you're talking about it.

Look, every guy's got a fantasy about another guy,

but you got to bury that shit way down. This is America, God damn it.

There is... There is a girl that I've been kind of...

All right, I'm listening. Where'd you meet her?

On the... Online.

(TIRES SQUEALING)

What? For fuck's sake, Ian, don't you watch Dateline?

She's probably a guy. Some fat old dude who wants to ram you in the tailpipe.

But you'd love that, wouldn't you? "Cause you're a homo.

REX: Try not to come home any gayer than you are now.

(GOT YOU PLAYING)

(SINGING) Hey

What's your favorite song?

Maybe we could hum along

Well, I think you're smart, you sweet thing

Tell me your name, I'm dying here

Got you where I want you

Yeah

(SIGHS)

-Hey, Becca. How are you? -I'm good. I'm fine. Whatever.

(CHUCKLING) Hey, Becca. Looks like you had a long, nasty night.

-Ron and Ian want the four-one-uno. -Whatever. You guys are gross.

-I'm not gross. I didn't say anything. -Okay, who's going on coupon rounds?

-No, Becca, I did it yesterday. -Please, Ian.

I love you so much.

IAN: Hello. This is a coupon for six free... No? Okay. Sorry. Donuts? No.

-Six free donuts with the Bandito's Dozen. -Thanks.

You're welcome. Sorry.

Excuse me. Do you know where the Gap is?

-It's just past the movie theater. -Thanks, man.

(LAUGHING)

Yeah, real funny.

Free donuts, free coupons.

TIFFANY: Felicia. How's it fitting, hon?

Well, you look nice.

You know, sweetie, there's still time to have your boobs done

before my wedding.

Darren and I already discussed them, and he said he'd pay for it.

I mean, he's a dentist, so it's totally not a big deal.

Excuse me, do you have a pair of scissors?

Oh! Sure, sweetie. Do you have a stringie?

Oh, no. I was just hoping you could slit my wrists for me quickly.

My husband killed himself last Christmas.

I am so sorry. I was just...

Hello. This is a coupon for six free donuts. Donuts?

Oh, my God! You look so hot in that.

Hey, sweetheart, listen. Please don't take this the wrong way,

but your whole trying too hard thing,

it's just coming across as needy, you know?

And I think you're better than that, Kimberly.

-But all I was saying was that... -Shh! Let's see it in a large. Okay?

I mean, Christ, I'm out buying him clothes right now.

He's 18 years old. I don't have to do that shit anymore.

Look, Judy, listen, I'm sorry, I'm losing you. I'm going into a tunnel.

Well, it's official, Lance, your mom's still bat-shit crazy.

What? You're telling me she doesn't shit-talk me?

No, actually, she doesn't. She doesn't, ever.

All right. Let me give you some advice, Lance, all right?

Don't ever get married. Just an endless parade of horseshit.

And whatever you do, man, always wear a rubber. Christ.

Nice. Always classy.

Hey, come on, Lance, I didn't mean it like... Come on, dawg.

Hey, sir. I've got something yummy for your little girl.

(SCREAMING)

Oh, my God. Excuse me! Sorry!

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

-Ian? Oh, my God, dude, what happened? -I don't know.

Is there a cock and balls on the front of me again?

-Like a little tree trunk. -IAN: Thank you.

Oh, my God.

-Whoa. You look pretty. -God, shut up, Ian!

What? I'm just saying, you usually dress so... You look nice.

Ian, why do you got to work the mouth when you talk to us?

-Yeah, Ian. -Sorry, it's a... It's a habit.

Hey, that girl you work with, Becca, you gonna bring her to my party tonight?

-Yeah, I asked her. She said no. -Good. Dude, she's totally wrong for you.

That's what you say about everyone.

She made you wear the fucking costume again, right?

-You know, I don't mind... -Dude, if you told her to fuck off,

she'd be two knuckles deep right now daydreaming about your big black cock.

FELICIA: Ian, do not listen to him.

Okay, girls want a nice guy who's gonna treat them well.

-Really? -Yes. Really.

Look, all I'm saying is everybody wants a challenge.

-Everybody wants... -What they can't get. I know, I got it.

-That shit does not work. -It works on you.

No, it doesn't.

Felicia!

Balls! I got to go. Evil cousin's spending the weekend.

-Pretty cousin? -Ian, she's the anti-Christ.

-She's still super hot. -Fuck you, too. See you.

So what happened with Becca?

You been doing like I told you, being a dick?

Yeah, kind of. Being kind of a dick. I'd say... No, not really.

I mean, you know, I've sort of been practicing

your whole being-a-dick thing with this girl I met online.

-And I get it, but I just... -Thanks.

I don't think I could do that for real.

Dude, sure you can. I believe in you, you know.

You just got to stop worrying about being the good guy all the time.

I mean, okay, look at Andy and Randy over there.

You think they care what women think about them?

They could give a fuck.

-What's up? What's up? -What's up, what's up?

Hi. I'm collecting for the underprivileged children of Ecuador.

-Would you like to help? -You wanna party?

Um... I'm kind of working right now.

-When are you done? -Yeah, what are you doing after?

I have a church thing tonight.

-Kick ass, we'll come. -Yeah, where is it?

Is there gonna be more hot snatch like you there?

Those guys are total nards. They never get anywhere.

That's just 'cause they don't know how to close.

But they're ability to open is fucking heroic.

-Do you wear thong underpants? -Do you want us to take our shirts off?

-Where do you live? -Is your mom hot, too?

-Where do you live? -What's your address?

-Do you want us to come over? -Do you like pizza?

We've been to a motel.

-Fuck off, donut. -Rex, it's me.

What the fuck is this all about?

I broke the key off of our locker. I couldn't get my clothes out.

Stow that shit in the trunk. Christ, you look like a Mexican butt-hole.

REX: (LAUGHING) You suck.

Becca? Hey.

Wow, I didn't know that you were coming over.

Cool. I didn't even know that you knew where I lived. I mean...

-Yeah, I do. -Yeah.

-So... -Oh! It's a funny story. I broke...

I broke my key off and Ron let me borrow the...

Anyway, so this is great. You changed your mind.

Now, the party, it doesn't start

-for a few hours. -Actually, I was wondering if DyIan's here.

-DyIan? -Yeah. Is he here?

-My 14-year-old brother DyIan? -Yeah.

-DYIan: Nice underpants, Ian. -Snap! Dang, that was funny.

You know he's 14, right?

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Ian, dude, there's like 80 wet chicks here. Get off your wallflower ass.

-Are you smoking cigars now? -Yes.

-Hey, Lance. Tight party. -Okay, rude.

You can see I'm having a conversation here.

Now, I'll be with you in a few minutes, okay?

-Thank you. -We're sorry.

-Don't apologize to her. -I'm sorry.

Don't apologize to me.

(SCOFFS)

Hey, I'm gonna go see who Felicia's talking to.

No, dude, forget Felicia, okay?

I know you guys are BFF and all that shit,

but tonight's about getting that dick a little daylight.

Hey, Lindsay, sweetheart, where you going?

Come here, we're not done. Get in here.

-You know my boy Ian? -Yeah. No. I don't know.

-You used to be on my paper route. -Okay, sure. My mom likes you.

You know what else about our boy Ian here?

Ian is a bust-ass virgin.

(SPLUTTERS)

-I'm so sorry. -He's fresh meat.

(GIGGLING)

Yeah. No, I'm pretty stoked. I got into the University of Wisconsin,

and I'm gonna go for veterinary medicine, 'cause that's where...

-Are you gonna go to college? -University of Boulder.

It's a great party school.

Oh, you know, I read that they have a really great astronomy program.

I don't know if that's what you're going there for or...

Because it's really high elevation, and you can see the stars really well...

PIanets.

Wow! A little tip action there. That's really suggestive.

I'm not saying that you're gonna do that on my, well...

There, what, you're gonna... Two in there.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

-Wow, you're really... -FELICIA: Ian! Dude!

(POPPING)

I'm... Could you excuse me for a second?

-Hey! -Hey! What up?

-What are you doing in there, man? -What're you doing out here, man?

-I asked you first. -Uh... Nothing.

No, I just... I spilled beer on my shirt, so then I had to...

-I thought you had, like, a girl in there. -Yeah, right. I wish.

So, okay. So, are your parents, like, still going

to DyIan's motor-cross thing this weekend?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They all take off in the morning.

Okay. Awesome.

"Cause my evil cousin is driving me nuts, so, I don't know,

you think, like, maybe I could hang at your place this weekend?

Yeah. Yeah, like a sleepover or something. It'll be fun.

Oh, my God! Thank you so much. Hey, I have a secret.

(LAUGHS)

-Look at you acting like such a girl. -I know, I know. Okay, okay. Here it is.

I have a crush on someone, a boy, a guy.

Yeah? Well, who is it?

Come on, you know me better than anyone. I bet you know who it is.

Come on, guess.

Um...

I think I know.

(GASPING)

I'm kidding. Oh, God! I got you. You're so easy. You're so easy!

-You're my best friend. -I know, and you're my best friend.

That's why it's funny that we would kiss, because we wouldn't.

So who is it? Who's the lucky caballero?

Um... Nobody.

-Nobody? -I... I was kidding, too.

-That is funny. -It's hilarious.

-That is so funny. -That is so funny.

Oh! I...

-Oh, you got... -Yeah.

-All right. So... -Hey!

Okay.

Harsh.

-Hey, babe, you wanna party? -I'm at a party.

RANDY: Do you wanna make out with us?

ANDY: Why don't you take a picture, Ian?

Yeah, and post it on Totalfuckingawesomeness.com.

Backslash-we-rule!

RANDY: Where'd you come up with that?

-Hey, can I ask you guys a question? -You just did.

-Can I ask you another question? -You just did again.

-What's up? What's up? -What's up, what's up?

-Dude, where you going? -Dude, come on. Be a buddy.

-I'm... All right, all right. -You got to get over the monkey.

Where do you guys get the confidence to, like, hit on every girl you see?

-'Cause we're the shit. -Yeah, you oughts to know that, bitch.

-So where's Felicia? -Fel-ate-cha. Yeah.

-She's in... -Fe-lay-cha! You banging her?

We're just friends.

-I'm uncircumcised. -GIRL: Fuck off!

Wait, I thought you took her to prom.

Yeah, but it was a just-friends kind of thing.

You should bang her. We would.

ANDY: Dude, we would bang her so hard.

Yeah, tell her we'll bang her for you if you're not into it.

Yeah. Hard.

-With our dicks! -Yeah, our dicks are huge.

RANDY: You could see them from space!

(ANDY SPITS)

-What's up? -What's up?

I'll call you from nationals.

-BECCA: Say it. -You're my little donut girl.

-Bye, sexy. -Yo, Ian.

-You want to smell my finger? -Yeah, okay.

(SNIFFS)

Are you sure you got the right hole?

(SNIFFS)

Awesome.

Hmm... '69.

(LAUGHS)

Whoa.

Don't puss out. Be cool.

I don't know.

That is a long drive, my sugar biscuit!

Sugar biscuit? God, I suck at this.

(SLURPING)

(CIanGING)

Holy buckets.

(SLURPS)

She wants me to give her the D.

(NASTY GIRL PLAYING ON HEADPHONES)

(SINGING) Well, honey

What ya got, Mr. Mans?

I got a lot of money

I don't see no keys in my hands

I just wanna nasty girl

(GRUNTS)

Now tell me, is that nasty girl you?

Do you like what you see?

Could you be my nasty girl and let me do that dirty dance with you?

I can love you long time

(ALL SHAPES AND SIZES PLAYING)

(SINGING) I like 'em all in shapes and sizes

And it don't make no difference to me

If you're short, tall, big or small Long if there ain't no big surprises

Chances are you'll suit me to a T

Dad, what did you do with my helmet?

Ian, honey, I made you some tollhouse cookies.

I'll just leave these here for you.

I'll get them later.

There's $40 in the cow for fun money,

so be safe and sorry I didn't knock.

Anytime. It's your home now.

(THUDS)

KAREN: Oh, dear.

-Dude. -Hey.

What is going on with you? You bought rubbers?

-How did you know that? -It's on Russ Miller's blog.

Jesus! That was, like, 11 minutes ago.

What's the deal? Dude.

IAN: She wants me to meet her tonight at the Big Boy in Knoxville.

Seriously, dude, pack your shit. We're going to Knoxville.

No. Stop it. Put these back.

This is the type of girl who has...

She has it shaved into a Ianding strip.

I can't deal with a Ianding strip.

Okay, dude, you don't know that. I mean, she could have anything under there.

There could be a little Hitler or just a full, nasty Chewbacca.

You know, she doesn't even want me. She wants him.

(LANCE LAUGHING)

I'm sorry. This is good. This is fine.

I mean, that looks like you. Like the eyes.

Tasty's probably a guy, anyway.

Maybe. But what if she's not?

You know, I mean, look, you've already opened, and I could help you close.

We just need one thing.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Ian, just look at this. I mean, you roll up in a '69 GTO,

she's gonna drop an egg right there in the Big Boy parking lot.

Hey, Ian, come give me a hand with this.

Here. Strap that end down. Tight.

-The cord's too short. -Put a little sack into it, powder puff.

-All right. Thanks, little brother. -Yeah.

-Hey, Ian. -Yeah.

Did I hear something about you wanting to borrow my car?

No, no, it's fine. Thanks. Thank you.

You sure?

You're my little brother, Ian. All you gotta do is ask.

Okay.

Could I use The Judge this weekend?

Ow!

(LAUGHING)

Fuck-stick, I wouldn't let you drive The Judge if it was parked on my shnuts.

-REX: Let's go, Dad. -What a dick.

You should take his car just on principle.

What do you want me to do, you know?

I mean, I doubt I can hot-wire it, since I don't even know what that means.

What are you doing?

(LAUGHS)

No. Lance, no! Put it back. Did you just hear him? Please.

Come here, we're gonna have a talk.

She's only nine short hours away.

We're gonna head down there tonight and you're gonna pound on that va-J.

Who's gonna pound on it? Say it. Ian's gonna pound on it.

We're back tomorrow before Rex even knows the car is gone.

Now, listen, these girls at Madison are gonna be fucking at a college level.

(GARAGE DOOR OPENING)

I need you ready for that.

Wait! Put it... Put it back.

Back here.

For God's sake. You two rump rangers couldn't wait five minutes?

(GRUNTS)

(HONKING)

Shit.

-Shit! -Fuck!

I told her she could stay here this weekend.

What the hell? Why are you driving Rex's car?

I thought me and...

-Are you bitching out on me? -No.

-No. -No.

Good. Well, then where are we going?

Um... Knoxville, Tennessee.

Okay. I'm gonna go tell my mom.

Okay. Are you gonna... Awesome.

Dude, what the fuck?

-I don't want her along. -Really?

You don't want to bring Yoko on your sex trip?

Yeah, no shit. She's always cock-blocking you.

No, she isn't. She doesn't even have a...

Okay, twat blocking.

Professor.

FELICIA'S MOM: When will you be coming back?

No, tomorrow.

-FELICIA'S MOM: When? -No. Bye! God.

FELICIA'S MOM: You guys drive safe now. Bye!

So, what's in Tennessee?

My grandma has got some cancer.

-Grammy K? -IAN: She's fine.

She's gonna live forever. Well, a long time.

It's, you know... I mean, what is it called?

-It's foot cancer. -She's got a little foot cancer.

She'll be hopping around in no time.

So what's she doing in Tennessee?

Oh! Um... Well, there's this kick-ass cancer center there.

-Yeah. -Yeah, it's like... It's famous.

-Yeah. -So if you ever get any cancer,

you should totally check it out.

(TIME TO PRETEND PLAYING)

I would.

LANCE: So you want I-80 East and then 65 goes all the way through Indiana.

-So how's it feel? -IAN: What?

I don't know, breaking the rules, talking some shit, driving The Judge?

It feels pretty good.

(SINGING) I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw

I'm in the prime of my life

Let's make some music, make some money Find some models for wives

This is our decision To live fast and die young

We've got the vision Now let's have some fun

I said, yeah, yeah, yeah

(ENGINE REVVING)

This dude wants to race.

Let's go, ladies.

Lance! Cut it out! Come on, you don't know who's in there.

Dude, I don't care if fucking Steve McQueen's zombie corpse is in that car.

I refuse to be embarrassed by a car that looks like a Trapper Keeper.

I am not racing in my brother's car.

IAN: Holy shit.

What the hell is that?

Whoa!

Looks like a Nachos BellGrande.

And a chalupa!

Medium Coke!

(SCREAMING)

Go right!

FELICIA: Turn the wipers on! IAN: They are on.

FELICIA: They're not working!

IAN: Please, don't yell at me. I'm doing the best I can.

-Winnebago! -IAN: Where?

Winnebago! Winnebago!

(SCREECHING)

(GASPING)

Oh, my God, are you all right?

(LAUGHING)

Yeah, nobody offer to help. I got this under control.

(SNIFFLES)

-Are you all right? -Do I look like I'm all right? Fuck!

You know what might make you feel better? Putting 40 on pump two.

Hey.

-Another one for the collection. -Aw! Cool. Thanks.

What?

(SOBBING)

It's okay, Brandy. It's okay, baby, don't cry.

Lance, what are you doing?

Dude, you should be ashamed of yourself,

because I'm just trying to show another human being a little compassion.

And my dick.

(LANCE LAUGHING)

What have you got?

Hey, kid, where you from?

-I'm from Chicago, I mean, outside Chicago. -Are you two married. No?

-No, we're just friends. We're amigos. -Oh! You make a good couple.

She's pretty. Marry that girl.

You kids want to help yourself to a can of Purple?

-Purple sounds great, Ian. Purple? -Yeah, I can go...

-You ever had a peppermint fatty? -No. Let's have that.

See how that shoe fits.

(LAUGHS)

That is curiously strong.

I feel like my dick just got bar mitzvahed.

It actually says Purple Soda.

(LANCE EXCLAIMING)

BRANDY: Bad boy.

You like him, don't you?

-What? Who? -Lance. I mean, he's the crush, right?

Oh, yeah! I like Lance, 'cause he's so hot.

I wanna have his baby, he's... Whatever.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

RICK: Brandy! FELICIA: Uh-oh!

Brandy! Shit.

-Howdy. -Howdy.

Mr. McBroom. Ma'am. Where the fuck's Brandy at?

(BRANDY GIGGLING)

-You ever hear of a rolling brown-out? -No. Let's try it.

Wait, brown? No, no, nothing brown! Nothing brown! Nothing brown!

What're you gonna do? Hit a girl?

No, but I'm gonna pummel his ass real good.

There you go. There you go.

Brandy! Come on, baby! Open the God damn door!

All right, this is not what it looks like. It was a project for school.

Purple Soda!

(SODA CAN HISSING)

(RICK GRUNTING)

Wiener!

Ow!

There you are.

Come on, come on. I do not want to die naked.

(LAUGHING)

Fuck you! Motherfucking son of a bitch!

Get on your feet, you motherfucking pussy!

Hey, hold on!

Come on, man, she's not worth it.

She's just gonna shit all over you. Trust me.

Eat bat, dickhead!

Holy shit!

(LAUGHS)

Ian just killed that guy.

Sir? Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. Are you all right?

Look, I have my insurance card. I'm sorry. We're from out of town.

I couldn't see you through the corn. I'm sorry.

(LANCE LAUGHING)

IAN: Where the hell's the road? FELICIA: It feels like left.

IAN: I told you we didn't have time for this,

-but all you care about is your stupid dick. -Ian.

And you leave us out there with her mom's weird soda.

-Ian. -And her dad's balls in plain view...

Ian, Ian, whip a shitty!

RICK: Motherfucker!

(ALL SCREAMING)

(WHOOPING)

Holy fucking shit! That's how you do that!

Oh, my God, Ian, amazing driving. Lance, you suck!

FELICIA: Where the hell are we? IAN: Where are the Google maps?

-They're in my pants. -Which are?

In the trailer.

Mmm-hmm. Great.

Shit. I got gum in my bush.

Hey, pick this guy up. Maybe he can show us back to the highway.

-Ian, do not pick up a hitchhiker. -Don't worry, I won't.

(ENGINE CHOKING)

No, no, no.

Oh, my God.

Hey! Thanks for the lift, man. I've been out there for hours.

Not one car. Can you believe it?

-Listen, sir, we didn't... -You're good people.

-Guy, you're not wearing any pants. -Yeah, I know.

Right on.

I got nothing. There's no bars. You know, it probably just needs water.

Got any in the trunk?

Hey, sweetheart, men are talking. We got this one.

Yeah, thanks, but this happened to my brother's car once

-and you just piss in the radiator. -Really?

FELICIA: Yeah.

Oh, God! Damn it!

(GROANING)

-Are you okay? -Fuck. Yeah.

LANCE: That's a lesson learned.

You can watch, if you're into that kind of thing.

Oh, wow, thanks, but I think we've all seen your dick enough for one day.

-IAN: Do you hear that? There's a ringing. -Your loss. It's like razor blades.

IAN: What? There's ants down here. FYI.

All right, you're up. Grip it and rip it.

Okay. Go away.

Dude, seriously? Still? I thought you got over this shit.

You're a grown man.

(WHISPERING) Flowing river, gentle stream. Flowing river, gentle stream.

-Yo, stage fright, how're we doing? -Damn it, Lance, just give me a minute.

(LANCE LAUGHING)

Excuse me. We kind of need you to pee in the radiator.

-Why? -We just do.

Our new friend's got nothing left in the tank.

What?

(CHRISTIAN ROCK PLAYING ON STEREO)

You kids need some help?

Hi.

Are you okay?

Oh, yeah, I'm great. I just beaved a family of four.

(LANCE LAUGHING)

Try it.

(ENGINE STARTING)

All set?

Look, I'm sorry, sir, but we can't give you a ride.

I'm gonna say this once.

You unlock this fucking car, or God is my witness,

I'll stake you all to the ground,

cut you open and let the dogs get at you.

Oh, yeah?

Bye-bye.

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

-Here's that pee you ordered. -Roll them up.

-There you go, Tex. -FELICIA: You're soaked with pee.

Quick car wash?

-God! -FELICIA: Gross.

It smells like Halloween. Fuck.

IAN: How can nobody go down a road for an hour and a half?

Why did they even make this stupid road?

FELICIA: It's so hot out here.

Ow!

(LAUGHING)

Oh, my God, your head. Wait... Does it hurt? Let me see.

Yes. It hurts.

-What is that? -Oh, my God.

IAN: Wow.

That is so beautiful.

Need some help?

(LAUGHS)

-Yeah, but no offense... -Oh, right, 'cause I'm Amish,

so I wouldn't know anything about your '69 GTO Judge.

455 Big Block, Ram Air. 4-11 posi, something like that.

Weird, that thing must have fallen straight from space.

Well, good luck with the future ride, spaceman.

Hey, dude, wait up. Hold on.

IAN: Wow!

FELICIA: Okay.

What are you doing? Whoa, whoa. No, no, no. Leesh, that's a bad idea.

-What? -Come on.

You don't know how far we have to walk. Those are your only pair of shoes.

You know what? You're probably right. God, you're so sensible.

But maybe I should? Or maybe I shouldn't?

I should.

I can't believe you just did that.

-All right. Now you. -No way. Forget it.

Dude, you never do anything crazy. Ever.

Hey! I'm driving halfway across the country to go to...

To visit your grandma? Whoa!

So he met this chick on the Internet, which is sketchy.

The Internet?

Yeah, it's like a series of computers that are connected through...

Computers?

A computer's like a big calculator, you know, with a screen.

I'm just busting your balls, man. I know what the Internet is.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

-Okay. -You ever heard of Rumspringa?

Yeah, that ska band from Delaware.

No, it means "run wild." It's an Amish tradition where when we turn 16,

we can go live like you heathens for a while.

You go nuts, party for months or years till your folks start hassling you,

and then it's back to the Stone Age.

But if you're on Rumspringa, what's with the buggy?

Oh, no, I'm not. Not anymore.

I probably shouldn't even be talking to you, but...

I'm a little bit of an Amish floutlaw.

-Sometimes I just miss the world. -What do you miss the most?

You know, I miss sarcasm. It's mostly lost on my people.

Oh.

And gambling. Went to Vegas once. And butt fucking.

-Got a lot of nice memories there. -I hear that.

IAN: You know, when you cut your foot on a piece of glass,

-don't think I'm gonna carry you. -You know what? I will be fine. Okay?

-I was born barefoot. -Hey! Wait!

Hey! Stop!

Have a nice walk, shit-birds.

BOTH: Oh!

Hey, Ian, Felicia, this is my boy, Ezekiel.

What up, English?

There's no service out here.

-I can't even tell her I'll be late. -Good. That's perfect. Keep her waiting.

You don't want to come off as desperate.

(SCOFFS)

I'm driving nine hours. How am I not coming off desperate?

-We had shit to do. -Uh-oh! See that creamy stuff?

You blew your head gasket. That's not good.

-Shit. -Don't cry. We can fix it.

-Really? -Yeah, really. We're good at it.

-Yeah? -Yeah. I didn't mean to undersell it,

but it's an impressive thing.

-Yeah. We'll fix it. -Wow, that'd be cool.

Yeah, would be cool, wouldn't it? I might be the coolest guy you ever met.

-Wow. -Wow.

-Thank you. -Yeah. You're welcome.

That's what you say when people do nice things for you.

You know, there's a pretty big shindig shaping up next door

if you guys want to hang there while we work on it.

Take it easy while we do all this for you.

-Does he have an attitude? -No, he's fucking with you.

Okay.

Just relax, man. I got a good feeling about this, you know.

You're gonna party with the Amish.

Yeah, I'm sure it's gonna be one kick-ass quilting bee.

What's up, man?

-Hey. -No f-ing way!

(FAME < INFAMY PLAYING)

(SINGING) When I'm home alone I just can't stop myself

(SINGING) When I'm home alone I just can't stop myself

-This is insane! -I know.

(WHOOPING)

Signing off, "I'm all right in bed, but I'm better with a pen"

I'm all right in bed, but I'm better with a pen

I'm all right in bed, but I'm better with a pen

The kid was all right, but it went to his head

Thank you, guys, very, very, very much. You guys fucking rule, man.

(GRAND THEFT AUTUMN / WHERE IS YOUR BOY PLAYING)

Dude. Don't even bother. Your game is not gonna work on that girl.

What do you know about girls? I've never even seen you with a girl.

I'm gonna go check on the car.

Yeah, fuck it. Let's dance.

-Bite me. I'm not your consolation prize. -Come on. Don't be hating.

(SCOFFS)

Fine.

EZEKIEL: I've never shot a flaming arrow that far, but I was game to try.

And the thing is, the second you let it release...

Whoa! Hey, what is this? Why are the seats out?

Ian, do you know anything about fixing these old Pontiacs?

I don't care, okay? Ezekiel, take all the pieces and just

-put them back in there. I don't want... -Ian, you've gotta calm down.

Do you know any breathing exercises?

Because you are right on the verge of a freak-out.

You don't know my brother, okay? He's gonna fuck my ass with a roll of quarters.

What? He's gonna what? With what?

Oh, yeah! He's gonna go get off work early, and he's gonna walk into the bank,

stand in line, change a 10,

find my ass and just fuck it with a roll of fucking quarters.

(LAUGHING)

(CIanGING)

Check it out. It's totally working.

You're the best wing-man ever.

She's in, she's in. Watch this.

GIRL: Rumspringa! Whoo!

-I took a wicked digger. -Yes, you did.

-First day of Rumspringa? -Rumspringa!

(ALL CHEERING)

-Uh-oh! -Oh!

(RETCHING)

Hey.

-All right. Okay. You good? All right. -Aw! You guys are so nice.

Don't let her step in it.

(LAUGHS)

What? What's wrong with you?

-Yeah, what's your problem, bitch? -Nothing. I'm fine.

Nothing. She's fine. God, lay off.

-It's Lance, right? -No.

I'll bet he's in there with that Amish girl and you're out here.

Wrong.

Come on, Leesh, just drop the hard-ass thing for two minutes.

You know. It's okay. You're into Lance.

(SCOFFS)

-God, I'm such an idiot. -Look, there's something about Lance.

Everybody likes Lance. I like Lance.

Just promise me you won't ever be like Lance.

(SCOFFS)

What is wrong with us? Let's go have some fun. Come on.

-No. No. -No?

Come on, we're young, and we're Amish, and it's Rumspringa.

DRUNK AMISH GIRL: Rumspringa!

(ALL CHEERING)

(GASPING)

Ian, you little cock-sucker!

(ROOSTER CROWING)

(GROANING)

Ah!

Leesh, you're so stubborn. Look at your feet.

They are fine. All right?

Hey. What's the pIan?

I might as well find a phone and call Rex

-so he can get on with killing me. -What about visiting your grandma?

Yeah, dude. You been putting off visiting your grandma for too long.

-It's about time you visited Grandma. -Yeah.

Lance, you know, I really do want to visit my grandma, but...

Dude, I really can't stress enough how much you're gonna enjoy visiting Grandma.

You know, I visit my grandma sometimes two or three times a week,

and it is always a pleasure. She's just a delight.

What am I supposed to do?

Our transportation is all over the floor of that barn.

Hey, Mary!

Hi.

Wow, you look beautiful.

Oh, please.

I mean, seriously, you wearing that, churning some butter. Sexy.

So I had the best time with you last night.

Yeah, me, too.

So you got my number. You're gonna call me, right?

No.

(LAUGHS)

"No." You're funny.

I mean, Lance, I really like you, but Rumspringa's over for me.

-So... -Rumspringa!

(WHOOPING)

(CHICKENS SQUAWKING)

Sorry.

(ENGINE STARTING)

You fixed it?

Yeah, we hit a few snags, but she's banging like a champ now.

Man, I don't even... I don't even know what to say here.

You know, I don't really have much...

Oh, no, we're good. We're good.

I mean, the opportunity to help a neighbor, that's a gift.

Man, you're too... Here, thanks. Thank you so much.

-You're welcome. -Thank you, it's really cool.

It is. You know, I mean,

if you felt the need to reciprocate in some way,

I mean, there's a lot of chores that need to be done around here.

Yeah, no, the only thing about that is we're kind of behind schedule right now.

Yeah, but, I mean, we could totally come back.

-We could hit you on our way back through. -Okay.

Yeah, you should. You should really get on the road.

I mean, you got a smooth-running vehicle now, you know, 'cause we fixed it.

-Yeah. No, but it's... So we're good? -We're good. Yeah, technically.

We'll come back. I promise.

-I'm looking forward to that. -Hey, no, seriously, we will.

Okay. We'll all hold our breath till you get back.

On three, guys. Three, two...

(MESSAGE FROM YUZ PLAYING)

My stomach's killing me. Tell me if you see a rest stop.

Fuck. I know you didn't take my car, Ian.

"Cause you're a big, giant pussy. That's right.

That's why. It's here, isn't it?

(MUTTERING)

Want some of this?

Shit!

Hey, Knievel, what say you get your bike out of the fricking road?

(SINGING) Hey! Hey!

All ocupado, eh, sport?

Gents.

Well, looks like we're up. Go on, get in there.

(GASPING)

(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

Oh!

Am I getting a signal?

Tasty, I got sidetracked last night.

I had to party with some new homies.

Tonight, 8:00 p.m. at Big Boy.

I'm worth the wait.

Yes!

No! Oh, God! No, thank you! No, thank you!

Little buddy? Hello? Hello.

-LANCE: Was that you screaming in there? -I don't want to talk about it. Ever.

-Where's Felicia? -She went to get corn dogs.

Can you believe the girls around here, man?

But, man, where am I ever gonna find another girl as cool as Mary?

You like it?

-What about Felicia? -What about her?

-She's into you. -Yeah, no shit. Get in line.

What is that? She's not good enough for you?

Felicia's awesome,

but the obvious statement to make here is that you like her.

-What? No, I... -You're shocked. You can't believe it.

-This bombshell. Come on. -You know, she's not into me anyways.

Yeah, I know. But it doesn't matter. I still... I could never do that to you.

Okay, but you do know that she's not into you, right?

-Yeah. Well, maybe you don't know. -No. No, no, I'm gonna stop you.

There's no maybe. Okay? And I'm saying this as your best friend,

but never. Never fucking ever. You know?

Because you guys are friends.

You know what every girl I've ever banged had in common?

I wasn't friends with any of them.

And they all had gorgeous teeth. I'm into that.

Real simple. Climb the rope, hit the bell, win a prize.

Hey, there, Bilbo Baggins, there's no height requirement.

Why don't you step up and win your girlfriend a prize?

Uh... We're not... She's not my girlfriend.

-What about your other girlfriend there? -Nice.

All right, come on, Ian. You can do it.

Come on, you're almost there! You're almost there! Go, go, go!

AUTOMATED MALE VOICE: Winner! Winner! Winner!

-That was awesome. -How the hell did you do that?

We had one of these at Cub Scout camp. I kind of mastered it.

Yeah, you think you're hot shit?

-Lolly? -Thank you.

Hey, hey, hey, ass.

Hey. What's your secret?

You just... If you keep your shoulders down...

-No coaching. -What?

No coaching there, Lombardi. Read the sign.

No coaching.

Cheese and rice!

Oh.

-Thanks. I'm Sandy. -I'm Ian.

-Hi. -Hey.

-Consolation prize? -Wow! Thank you so much.

You know, my dance team's performing over at the tent in a couple of minutes.

You guys should come watch.

-Actually, we were just about to go. -That sounds super fun. He'll be there.

Great. See you.

Dude, that girl reeks of sex.

(MY PREROGATIVE PLAYING)

(SINGING) Everybody's talking all this stuff about me

Why don't they just let me live?

I don't need permission

-Do we really have time for... -Hey, hey.

You have to stop doing that to him.

-Doing what? -Twat blocking.

I'm not twat... Doing that.

Yeah! Let's give it up for the AX Dancers!

Come on, girls, let's help me get some fellas up in here.

-Ian. -Oh, no. Please.

Get up there. Come on.

SANDY: Come on!

KAT: In the back! In the back!

Yeah!

Come on, two more, two more! Yeah!

(LAUGHING)

Dude, turn around.

(KAT WHOOPING)

(LAUGHING)

Look at this fine crop of handsome fellas I got here.

But before we get down to business,

there's a young woman here

who would like to share her story with these young men.

-Kristy, you ready, baby? -Okay.

So, last year I was at a dance with my boyfriend.

He wanted to go to his car.

So I did.

So we were both naked in the back seat and we started having oral...

(INAUDIBLE)

MAN IMITATING SOUL SINGER: Yeah!

Daddy likes that!

Excuse me!

Excuse me! Is this tragic story turning you on?

(LAUGHING)

This courageous young lady pours her heart out and this is getting you hot?

It's time for you to pledge. Right now!

Boy, you need this more than anybody.

Hey, keep a wrinkle in it, captain.

I can't believe you took a fucking abstinence pledge with a hard-on.

It's classic.

Look, I didn't even know what she was talking about. That doesn't count! Okay?

-Ian! Hey! -It gets better.

I am so proud of you!

Get away from me. Is that what you do?

You go out and you lure little dorks like me into your little no-having-sex club?

Ian, it's not like that at all.

Just go away. Now.

-I would've blown you, you know. -Really?

-Oh, man. -Wow.

You can keep your stupid flipping lollipop, anyway!

-You are dead, psycho-virgin! -No, no!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey, are you sure you want to get dental work done in Floater, Kentucky?

Dr. Teddescoe will be with you present-like.

-Thank you. -Welcome.

(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

Fine, okay, you were right. My feet are killing me,

and I never should've tossed my shoes.

No, come on. I love that your shoes are in that tree.

I do. That's premium Felicia.

Oh.

-So what'd you do to her? -Hmm?

Smack her around a little bit?

She gets out of line, you pop her one?

-No. No, sir, I... -I got you. I'm just teasing you, man.

We have fun.

-He didn't, though, did he? -HMM? Mmm-mmm.

Be back in a couple minutes. I'm gonna wait for that to numb up.

Mmm-hmm.

Hands to yourself, O.J.

Ian, you know the other night at Lance's party?

-Was I there? -No, come on.

Here.

I mean, you know the only reason is because I don't want to ruin our friendship.

Totally, I mean friendship is awesome. Good call.

I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost you.

-You won't. -What are you thinking about?

-What are you thinking about? -I asked you first.

You got a little loogie.

(GRUNTING)

I'm gonna go see if Lance...

Mmm-hmm.

Go. Go.

Um, I'll take these as well.

They're not for me. They're not.

-Heads up. -What's with you?

I'm thinking maybe we head back home.

What? Why?

Well, Felicia and I were talking in there,

-and we kind of had a moment. -Oh! Oh, did you guys have a little moment?

-Yeah. -You're a moron.

Fuck you. We've talked about this.

Look, we're almost there, and I'm not letting her do this.

We're going to Knoxville, and you're getting your nut.

No, I'm not. I'm not.

No, I'm gonna text Tasty, and I'm gonna tell her I'm not coming.

-Ian, get in this car. -I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it.

Shit, where's my phone? Hey, you got a new smile.

You have my phone. I didn't know... This is for you.

Mmm! A message came in.

Your grandma says she's really excited to see you.

And something about her hot, shaved pussy.

Must be the cancer talking.

(LANCE LAUGHS)

All right. Good deal. We're going to Knoxville.

(GIVE UP? PLAYING)

(SINGING) All I've got is frustration, frustration

I hate this vacation

So, give up, give up Give up, give up

I've got to get away from here It's killing me just thinking 'bout

Frustration, frustration I hate this vacation...

Ian, you're going the wrong way.

-We're going home. -What?

Please, do not turn around because of me. Okay.

-Yeah, no shit. -I'm dying to see Ms. Tasty.

This is going to be hilarious.

A hundred bucks says she has a wiener.

Look, I said we're going home. I don't want to talk about it.

I knew you'd find some way to fuck this up for him.

(LISPING) Me? You two are fucking scheming behind my back.

-No, we're not. -Okay. You stole Rex's car.

You drove halfway across the country.

This must be what you want to do. So do it, chicken shit!

-(LISPING) Fucking A, chicken shit. -Fine! You know what?

I'll turn the car around, I'll flip a bitch, and I'll go pork somebody. Right now.

I'll be that guy. Is that what you want?

-Be that guy! That guy rules. -FELICIA: Sounds awesome.

-That would make me so happy. -All right. All right. Fantastic! I'm doing it.

LANCE: Watch out, Ian! Fuck! FELICIA: Watch it, Ian!

Whoo!

(LAUGHING)

-IAN: You like that? -Did your fucking balls just drop?

Holy shit, Ian.

-Oh, man, it's this douche again. -You want it? You got it.

-Hold on to your pantyhose. -Okay, we gotta work on your banter,

but otherwise, this is awesome.

(DANGER ZONE PLAYING)

-You're losing him. -No, I got him. I got him.

-Jesus, Ian! Not so close. -God damn it!

No way, man! You're dead.

Sorry. He's all right.

LANCE: This guy's fucking dangerous!

Where is he? Talk to me, dudes.

Right up our ass. He's in our ass.

-LANCE: He's tagging out. -Ah! Ladies!

Ian, look out!

(THUDDING)

Oh! Oh!

God damn it.

What were you doing, man? Shit.

Dude, take it easy. This wasn't your fault. He jumped right in front of you.

Just shut up, Lance. Of course it's my fault.

Now, come on, man, this possum's not gonna fuck you.

We gotta go find Ms. Tasty.

He's suffering, Lance. I'm not gonna leave him here by himself. Okay?

Okay. You're right.

We gotta help him. We gotta call a vet or something.

Ian, look at him. There's not a lot that we can do.

You guys'll probably want to back up. This'll probably stink like shit.

-What the fuck are you doing? -I'm gonna take him out of his misery.

They don't make little wheelchairs for him. He's done, man.

IAN: Fuck you, Lance. God, you don't even give a shit about him.

I'll do it.

I'm sorry.

(GRUNTS)

LANCE: All possums go to heaven.

Uh... Ian. It... I think it's still...

Shit.

Oh, no.

Ian, I'm so sorry, it's...

Oh, God! Jesus fucking... God damn it! I'm trying to do the right thing here.

-He's really hanging in there. -God! Fuck!

You guys ever listen to Sonic Youth? I've been on a big Sonic Youth phase lately.

(SIREN WAILING)

You know, their bass player's a woman.

(GROANS)

We are in jail.

Okay, listen, you have got to be cool, 'cause if they see you shitting yourself

they're gonna fuck with us.

Hey! Hey, ladies.

Hey, how about you sit the fuck back down before me and you have a problem?

How about you just chill out, man? Be cool.

-All right. We good? -Yeah, we're good.

-Excuse me. -Listen, old man, I'm only gonna tell you...

You should've seen the look in his eyes.

His heart was breaking for this poor little thing.

Shit, that boy Ian don't seem like he got no balls at all.

Why? 'Cause he got to fussing some over a suffering critter?

I think that's real sweet.

Well, I say this Lance, he sounds like a real hunk of man.

But he got no respect for bitches.

Shathayd's right. No respect for bitches. None whatsoever.

You love Ian, don't you, baby?

Well, it's just we've been best friends since we were really little,

and I don't know, he's the only person I can really talk to, you know?

When I was a girl, my best friend was a fella named Creighton McDaniel.

We used to stay up all night just talking and laughing and carrying on.

Then one day I got it into my head that we ought to be more than friends.

So I tell him I love him.

What happened?

We dated for a few weeks.

Then he met a gal over in Wofford.

We still talk from time to time.

But it was never the same between us.

Baby. Come here. Come on, now. Come on, now.

You know you need a hug. Come on, honey.

Cuddle up.

(URINATING)

LANCE: Dude.

-What? -Look, you're pissing in front of everybody.

Yeah, I am.

-And that guy's looking right at your dick. -Atta-boy.

(FLUSHING)

-Look at you. You're a new man. -No, I'm not.

Dude. You stole a car, you got arrested, you got in a prison fight.

And now you're in here pissing like a big dog.

I mean, there's only one thing left.

Yeah, well, that's out. I was supposed to meet her two hours ago.

Dude, when we get out of here, just tell her you got pinched.

She'll think that's bad-ass, because it is.

Lafferty, Nesbitt, your bail has been posted.

Really?

-Time to go. -Shit!

-What? -Rex.

Oh.

(SIGHS)

All right, Duane, I'm gonna go to your MySpace page and listen to your album.

And I hope to see you soon in better circumstances.

-Hey. -Mary!

Wait. Wait. How did you find me?

Well, I called your cell phone, and then someone answered here.

-That's awesome. Okay. -Are you okay? Why are you in jail?

I mean, there's a number of charges, but the most prominent ones were animal cruelty

and the assaulting the officer.

But it's not nearly as bad as it sounds on paper, okay? I promise.

-Okay. -Okay. Wait right here. Okay.

-Teddy, Carol. -Lance, my man.

-You guys got my stuff? -It's gonna be a few minutes.

All right. I gotta put up with a lot here.

I was raped last night. I'm just fucking with you.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, man. But one guy did get raped.

(FLYING HIGH PLAYING)

(SINGING) You can't know, oh, no You can't know

How much I think about you, no

It's making my head spin

Looking at you And you are looking at me

And we both know what we want

So close to giving in

Ian, don't do this. No, don't turn into Lance. You're a good guy.

Yeah, well, that's why I'm still a virgin.

So what if you're a virgin? God, Ian, it's just sex. It's not...

No, Felicia, it's not about the sex. It's not. I'm weird.

I'm the only virgin I know. I need to get this done

SO everyone can just stop freaking out about it.

Look, I know you don't approve, but I'm sorry, I just...

I'm not going home a virgin.

Then do it with me.

What?

Do it with me and not some stranger.

We're friends so you know you're not gonna get some, like,

crabs or genital warts or some pussing thing that's coming...

Wow, Leesh. That's hot!

You know what?

I think I'd rather stay a virgin forever than lose it on pity-sex.

-I'm not talking about pity-sex. -Then what are you talking about?

I don't know. Sex.

It doesn't have to mean anything. It doesn't have to jeopardize our friendship.

Ah!

Leesh, you know what? Fuck the friendship!

I'm sorry, I just can't do it.

I can't be the guy that you're gonna talk to about your boyfriends anymore. I can't...

I can't be the guy who's gonna pick you up in the middle of the night,

and you're gonna cry to because Derrick Dicottes found some other girl.

And maybe I'm just being selfish here, but it is not enough.

Okay, so I'm gonna go out that door, and I'm gonna go have meaningless sex

with some random, hopefully hot, hopefully female person that I met on the Internet.

Unless you've got something better to say to me.

(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)

That's what I thought.

Check out time, dick-cheese.

-Rex, how'd you find me? -You ever heard of LoJack, cheese-dick?

(SIREN WAILING)

(DISCO INFERNO PLAYING)

Come here.

(SINGING) Burn that mother down, y'all

Burn, baby, burn

Disco inferno

Burn, baby, burn

Burn that mother down

Come on, Rex, wait. The girl... The one I told you about from the Internet.

She's right across the street, Rex. She wants to do it with me and everything.

Like I give a shit!

(SCREAMING)

Get your shit, queer-bait! We're going home.

Okay. Okay, fine.

Now!

It probably wouldn't have changed

all these feelings that I've been having lately anyway.

What are you talking about?

I don't know, Rex. You know, just feelings,

curiosity about men.

Oh, shit, Ian!

I think you might be right. I think I might be getting gay.

Oh, God damn it. Oh, fuck!

But I just haven't had any luck with girls, Rex.

No way! No way my little brother's taking it in the chili ring.

All right, you take the car,

and you go bang a female woman like the good Lord intended.

You've got one hour!

-Ian. -Yeah?

-Not up the butt. -Right.

Hey, man. You looking for somebody?

Ms. Tasty.

MS. TASTY: Ian?

Oh, my gosh! Hey.

I was sure you were standing me up.

-But here you are. Look at you. -See you.

You look a little different than your picture.

Yeah, I know. I lost a lot of weight 'cause I had the runs... The flu.

Well, you're mighty cute, and your car is really pretty.

Why don't you take me for a ride?

So, Ms. Tasty, what's your real name?

-How about I tell you after? -Yeah, sure.

Works for me.

(ATLANTIS PLAYING)

(SINGING) ...below the ocean Where I wanna be

She may be

Way down below the ocean...

-No, Mary, wait. -What?

-What's wrong? -Nothing. I mean...

Nothing, I just... I really like you,

and I don't want to ruin this. You know?

But, hey, maybe you could come to Chicago and we could hang out

-and take it a little... -No.

Lance, it doesn't work like that.

And, I mean, if I don't go back, I'm gonna be shunned.

I could never see my family again.

-This Amish thing is a real motherfucker. -Yeah, tell me about it.

-Ian. -Yeah.

I think we should take our clothes off.

Wow. Really? Right here?

Mmm-hmm.

No one's around for miles. Come on.

Okay.

-What do you think? -Ample.

Mmm-hmm.

I think we should take your clothes off now.

Yeah, maybe we should.

-I don't play football! -Okay.

...I really don't. I mean, I don't even really watch football.

I mean, I got all that stuff from Friday Night Lights,

which is a show. It's also a movie starring Billy Bob Thornton.

-I don't know if you saw it, but... -Ian.

What? You think everything in my profile's the God's honest truth? No.

Now, come on, take your clothes off.

Look, there's this girl...

Ian, this can be our little secret. No one has to know.

Now come here.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I can't do this with you.

I'm kissing you, and I'm thinking about somebody else.

No, and I know that's a stupid thing to say. I mean, she's not even...

(SNIFFLING)

Oh, no, no, no. Ms. Tasty, please don't cry.

It's not a reflection of... You're so pretty, like...

You're laughing.

Just take your fucking clothes off, asshole!

Look, I'm sorry, okay. I don't mean to lead you on here,

and I'll give you a ride home, but I don't think that... What the fuck?

You heard the lady. Strip.

-Do you have any jacks? -Yup.

-I win. -Oh! Again.

Yup.

-All right, just take your shirt off. -Okay, good.

You were right, Ian. '69 Judge. You were worth the wait.

-Please, no! Come on, it's not even my car! -Oh, and good luck with the lady friend.

(MS. TASTY WHOOPING)

Felicia. Oh, shit! Oh, shit.

Now, listen. I got another car coming any minute now, okay?

-Got it. -So take me back to the Big Boy

-and get this goat over to Luis. -Right.

And where is Luis? 5th and Crescent!

-I fucking told you. -I know where it is.

(CLANKING)

Shit!

Hi.

-Hey, boys. You finally made it. -What's up, Ms. Tasty?

What's up? What's up?

-Damn, you're hot as fuck. -Yeah.

-We brought beers and rubbers. -And some lotion for your tits.

(PHONE RINGING)

(LANCE AND MARY MOANING)

I can't believe I'm banging an Amish chick. I mean, seriously, what are the odds?

Oh, yeah! More of that.

So, wait, you do want to party?

With us?

Yeah. I want us all to get naked and party.

Get your ass out of the car, motherfucker!

-Who the fuck are you? -Holy fucking fuck-balls!

Okay, my bad.

Now, I thought you were someone else, all right?

You done fouled up my ride, so I'm gonna have to take yours.

Fuck that shit.

(GUN COCKING)

Here you go. Pulls to the left.

What the fuck, dumb-ass?

Oh, shit!

Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Oh, shit!

Hey, highlights, back it up.

Bite my dick, asshole!

Ow! What the fuck you do that for?

Lance? What the fuck is going on?

That's the son of a bitch I was looking for!

Hey, guy. How'd you...

-Found your computer maps, douche-bag! -Okay.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Boat show, you and your boyfriend bring it in here.

I don't need no trouble right now.

Let's go. Bring it in.

-Bobby Jo, who the fuck is that? -BOBBY JO: Who?

-That! -Son of a bitch!

(GROANING)

Come on, darling.

-Shut up! -Now, take it easy on the hair.

-Get down! -Hey, hey, come on.

-All right, all right. -IAN: Take your hands off her!

(IAN EXCLAIMING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

ANDY: Holy loud! RANDY: People are in the vehicle.

IAN: Please! No!

-All right. Get back, man. -Ian?

Everybody just be cool.

-Felicia, you okay? -Yeah, I'm fine.

Ian, give me the goddamn gun before you shoot your dick off.

-Rex, I got this. -Ian!

God damn it, Rex, I got this! Do not fuck with me! Not now!

Ease it back, man. That donut ain't fucking around.

Hands where I can see them.

-Ian, dude, you're working the mouth. -I don't give a shit!

Okay. All right, sorry. You're doing so good. Proud of you.

I mean that. I don't say it enough.

All right, you, corn-fed, you can punch my friend Lance, but just once.

-Dude! What the fuck? -You nailed his girlfriend.

-Not exactly. I mean, it was... -And he came all this way.

All right. All right, fair enough. Just not in the nuts.

(LANCE GRUNTS)

-Oh, shit! -Okay. Okay, all right.

What a punch. I think my kids are gonna be retarded.

You got a fucking cannon for an arm, dude.

-Yeah, you got a little... -Thanks. My ears are ringing.

IAN: Stop it! I'm warning you!

Come on, bro. You ain't gonna kill no one.

(MS. TASTY EXCLAIMS)

BOBBY JO: Whoa!

-Anybody can shoot a gun in the air, dude. -I'll shoot you in the leg.

Smoke that cock, Ian!

I don't think you got the plums, boy.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

God!

(GROANING)

Okay. Okay.

Anybody can shoot someone in the leg, dude.

-Give me the gun! -Jesus, man, what do I got to do?

Don't move, asshole, or you're a fucking stain.

Okay.

Holy shit, Ian. Right on!

Where do you think you're going, bitch?

Cat fight!

(BOTH SQUEALING)

(CAN'T FIGHT THIS FEELING PLAYING)

(SINGING) 'Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore

FELICIA: Damn you, whore!

I've forgotten what I started fighting for

Fuck you!

And if I have to crawl upon the floor

Come crashing through your door

Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore

Drop the weapon, donut man!

Okay, put your hands on your head!

-Both hands, asshole! -IAN: I can't move the other arm.

-Who said that? Who said that? -I can't move the other arm.

(TASER ZAPPING)

Sir, I'm not resisting. It's foam, sir.

(SCREAMING)

The big Mexican won't go down! Take the shot!

-Holy shit. -Jesus!

Hold your fire! Hold your fire, okay?

He is not the bad guy! She is the car thief.

Right there. The blond, in a belt for a skirt.

FEMALE OFFICER: Anything else?

FELICIA: Oh, yeah, apparently there's a guy named Luis,

and he has a chop shop at 5th and Crescent!

Thanks.

We were just banging that chick in our car.

-Yeah, you mentioned that. -Yeah, super hard.

The boy did have some plums. He had some plums.

Hey, this is Rick. He's played arena football.

-Hi. I'm Mary. -Hi. Nice to meet you.

That's a weird little dude you got there.

LANCE: Are you guys hungry?

Is this place open 24 hours?

Thank you for coming for me.

What were you doing in the back seat?

Nothing. I was...

-You were stalking me. -No, I wasn't. I...

Okay. Yeah, I was stalking you just a little.

I just... I knew you were gonna do something you were gonna regret, and I...

Felicia. Why can't you just say it?

-Why can't you? -Well, I asked you first.

Fine. I'll say it.

-You love me. -Fine.

You love me, too, then.

(LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL PLAYING)

(SINGING) Life is beautiful

But it's complicated

Thank God.

We barely make it

(MOOING)

You fucking heifer.

(ENGINE REVVING)

-You fixed it! -Yeah.

Don't lean on it.

I guess you get to live.

-IAN: You guys are amazing. -Thanks.

Let's talk seriously for a second.

I figure with the parts and labor, you know, out the door... 4,200.

Oh. Um...

It's just a round number.

Yeah. No, I didn't really...

I don't know what to...

(LAUGHING) I'm fucking with you, Ian. We're good, man.

-Wait, I mean, you're serious? -Yeah. I'm serious. We're good. No worries.

-You sure? -Yeah, of course.

-Thank you, man. -It's what I live for,

fixing other people's shit for free.

Yeah.

-Hey. -REX: Straight home, pussy!

-Dude, we got to go. -REX: Fucking piece of shit!

You go on ahead. I think I'm gonna stay here, kick it Amish.

Dude, what are you talking about?

I don't know, a little hard work, fresh air, missionary position.

It's a man's life.

-Sounds pretty good, you know. -Yeah, it sounds...

Come on, Lance. Get serious.

Come here.

I gotta tell you, I'm impressed. I'm proud of you, you know.

You held out for a good one, the one you wanted.

And you fucking made it happen.

But, please, I'm begging you, go take that girl to visit Grandma.

-All right. -And when you do, don't...

-Lance, I got it. -Yeah?

Yeah.

Okay. I think you might.

-See you. -Bye.

(PORCUPINE JACKET PLAYING)

(SINGING) Well, no, no, me, I never worry

Because, me, I never try

And I never care to hold onto what I just couldn't kiss goodbye

-Are you sure you're ready? -Yeah.

All right, well, come on, take them off.

Let's do it.

TIFFANY: Fuck! Don't start your fucking shit with me.

You know what? Fuck you! I want a divorce.

IAN: A few weeks later, I was Felicia's date to Tiffany's wedding.

But this time, it wasn't a just-friends kind of thing.

And Rex did make my life hell for a while.

But that Thanksgiving,

we finally found out what's been up his ass all these years.

I'm gay! And, so, that's it.

IAN: By Christmas, my dad got used to the idea.

And Rex is actually a pretty great guy these days.

Yeah, now he only uses the word faggot during rough sex.

Karen and I want you to have this, for Christmas.

-Merry Christmas. -Thanks.

A juicer.

Oh, my gosh! That's so awesome. Wow, I gotta get some fruit.

Wow!

Thank you, thank you.

IAN: And on New Year's Eve, Felicia and I finally visited Grandma.

-Again? -Really?

IAN: Twice.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, that was awesome!

-Hey, boys. You get some rest? -Thanks, man. Thanks for fixing the bus.

-A pleasure. -Yeah, thanks for fixing our bus.

-Appreciate it. -Thanks for playing that show for us, too.

-Yeah, no worries. -It was a nice five-song set.

Yeah, what do you guys typically...

I assume you get compensated very well for that.

-Must be a good living. -Yeah, we do. I mean...

Yeah, you know, I... Gosh, if I was really to calculate

what you'd lose if this bus couldn't have gotten back on the road,

if you couldn't have gotten to your shows,

I imagine all those weeping teenage girls outside, "I need to dance."

Could we send you some pictures? We don't really have cash or anything.

-Some autographed photos? -Or we could give you CDs.

Yeah, we've got a lot of use for that around here.

There is a lot of work that needs to be done around here.

You guys are some strapping young lads.

I don't know if we're really built for that.

-Yeah. -1 can hear you.

I'm just saying, you guys put in a 20-minute show,

-we spent all night on the bus... -Yeah.

I mean, that was a lot of work.

We could maybe try to write a check later on,

or like I said, we could send you guys some CDs.

City folk are always trying to solve things with money.

It's the spirit of the community around here.

Lord, please bless this Fall Out Boy.

Keep him safe on the road.

Help him to aspire to the heights of Jon Bon Jovi.

-Help him to... -Thanks.

-Okay, thanks, man. -Thanks, man. We gotta roll.

-Amen. -We gotta roll, man. Thank you very much.

All right, boys. It was a pleasure meeting you.

I loved your penis on the Internet, by the way.

-Fucking asshole! -You're a dick!

(I DON'T CARE PLAYING)

Say my name and his in the same breath

I dare you to say they taste the same

Let the leaves fall off in the summer

And let December glow feel flames

Brace myself and let go

Start it over again in Mexico

These friends, they don't love you

They just love the hotel suites, now

I don't care what you think

As long as it's about me

The best of us can find happiness

In misery

Said, I don't care what you think

As long as it's about me

The best of us can find happiness

In misery

Oh, take a chance, let your body get a tolerance

I'm not a chance, but a heat wave in your pants

Pull a breath like another cigarette

Palms up, I'm trading 'em

Trading 'em

I'm the oracle in my chest

Let the guitar scream like a fascist

Sweat it out, shut your mouth

Free love on the streets

But in the alley and I ain't that cheap, now

I don't care what you think

As long as it's about me

The best of us can find happiness

In misery

Said, I don't care what you think

As long as it's about me

The best of us can find happiness

In misery

Said I don't care just what you think

As long as it's about me

Said I don't care just what you think

As long as it's about me

Said I don't care, I don't care

Said I don't care, I don't care

Said I don't care, I don't care

No, [ don't

I don't care, I don't care

I don't care

I don't care what you think

As long as it's about me

The best of us can find happiness

In misery

Said I don't care what you think

As long as it's about me

The best of us can find happiness

In misery

BRANDY'S DAD: This is a serious matter.

Run for your life.

MAN 1: Oh, shit! You know what? We see the fake balls on the table there.

(CREW EXCLAIMING)

MAN 2: All right. We'll shoot another. Cut. MAN 3: Cut.