Original subtitles

[car honking]

[car honking]

(Doris) WELL, IT'S RAINING AND I CAN'T GET A CAB,

AND I HAVEN'T ANY MONEY ANYWAY.

[car door closing]

AH, WHAT THE HELL.

HE'S PROBABLY JUST SOME NICE GUY

WHO WANTS TO HELP A GIRL OUT.

JUST SOME RICH, NICE-LOOKIN' GUY

WHO'LL GIVE ME A LIFT HOME. YEAH, THAT'S IT.

NOPE, THAT AIN'T IT.

[car honking]

[door closing]

[baby crying]

(Rapzinsky) SHERMAN!

(Felix) GOOD EVENING, MR. RAPZINSKY.

WHAT IS?

IS LETTER.

(Rapzinsky) PICK UP AND THROW IN GARBAGE. NO THROW ON NICE FLOOR.

I, RAPZINSKY, SAY THIS.

[baby continues crying]

I'M SORRY TO HAVE TAKEN YOU AWAY FROM YOUR BASEMENT, MR. RAPZINSKY.

I KNOW HOW HARD YOU WORK,

KEEPING THE BUILDING ON HOUSE AND GARDEN'S ALL TIME 10-BEST LIST.

SHERMAN!

YES, MR. RAPZINSKY?

STILL MAKING THE NOISE.

WHAT NOISE IS THAT?

TICK TACK, TICK TACK.

THAT IS THE SOUND MY TYPEWRITER MAKES

WHEN I PRESS DOWN ON THE KEYS.

THIS IS THE METHOD I USE TO PRODUCE THE STORIES AND THE NOVELS THAT I WRITE.

I AM A WRITER.

I GOT COMPLAINT AGAIN.

FROM WHOM?

NO MATTER. SHE SAY YOU MAKIN' THE NOISE ALL NIGHT.

DON'T MAKE NO MORE.

I, RAPZINSKY, SAY THIS.

IS THAT ALL?

[muttering]

THEN I WILL GO UP TO MY APARTMENT,

AND YOU CAN GO BACK DOWNSTAIRS AND SIT IN YOUR TIRE.

[baby crying]

*[music playing]

[announcer chattering on radio]

[gun firing]

[gunfire stops]

[gunfire continues]

[man on T.V.] JUST ONE THING, LIEUTENANT.

DO YOU THINK VINCENT COLE DID IT?

(Lieutenant) COULD BE COLE. I DON'T KNOW.

I DO KNOW--

[gunfire continues]

(man on T.V.) ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

YOU'RE SURROUNDED, VINCENT.

GIVE UP!

[gun firing]

MR. RAPZINSKY?

MR. SHERMAN.

YES.

I THINK THERE'S SOMETHING YOU SHOULD KNOW.

[knocking on door]

(woman) MR. SHERMAN?

[knocking continues]

MR. SHERMAN?

MR. SHERMAN?

[knocking on door]

[dog barking on tape]

MR. SHERMAN!

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I HAVE TO SEE YOU, MR. SHERMAN.

WHO ARE YOU?

YOU DON'T KNOW ME, BUT IT'S TERRIBLY IMPORTANT.

OH, PLEASE.

WE MAKE IT A RULE NOT TO OPEN THE DOOR AFTER MIDNIGHT.

WE?

WOLF AND I.

WOLF IS A DOBERMAN PINSCHER.

MR. SHERMAN, PLEASE. IT'S A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH!

[barking continues]

SIT, WOLF. COME ON, BOY. SIT.

SIT, WOLF. SIT. SIT, WOLF.

[tape clicks]

IS SOMEONE CHASING YOU?

(woman) I CAN'T DISCUSS IT THROUGH THE DOOR.

IT'S EXTREMELY PERSONAL.

ARE YOU ALONE?

YES.

SWEAR.

YES, GODDAMN IT.

SAY, AS GOD IS MY JUDGE, I'M ALL ALONE.

AS GOD IS MY JUDGE,

I AM A LITTLE GIRL ALL ALONE HERE IN THE HALLWAY.

HELLO, PANSY!

YOU, FINK--FINK PANSY! YOU, RAT! YOU, FRUITCAKE!

YOU, RAT FINK FRUITCAKE!

YOU LIED ABOUT YOUR SIZE!

YOU LIED ABOUT YOUR DOG!

HOW DO YOU KNOW? HE COULD BE HIDING, READY TO SPRING AT YOUR THROAT.

'CAUSE CREEPS SUCH AS YOURSELF, MR. SHERMAN, DON'T HAVE DOGS NAMED WOLF.

WELL, CREEPS LIKE YOU HAVE LITTLE FAGGY, HAIRY, BITTY THINGS,

WITH NAMES LIKE POOKY AND DOODOO.

LISTEN, I THINK YOU MUST HAVE THE WRONG APARTMENT.

DON'T TRY TO COP OUT ON ME, YOU SLIMY WORM!

I GOT THE RIGHT APARTMENT. I GOT THE RIGHT FAIRY!

YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY SUFFERING FROM SOME AGGRAVATED PARANOID DELUSION.

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

I'M SUGGESTING THAT YOU'RE EXTRAPOLATING FROM YOUR SORDID AND PATHETIC--

YOU KNOW WHAT? IF I WEREN'T SO REFINED, I'D BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF YOU.

YOU'RE INSANE!

THAT'S PRETTY GOOD, COMING FROM A QUEER,

WHO PEEPS IN GIRLS' WINDOWS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!

I AM TALKING ABOUT A DIRTY RAT

WHO'S SO JEALOUS OF WHAT THE BIG BOYS ARE DOIN',

THAT HE SQUEALS TO THE SUPERINTENDENT,

JUST 'CAUSE A GIRL IS ENTERTAINING SOME GENTLEMAN FRIEND.

AND ACCEPTING A LARGE TIP FOR HER SERVICES! [shrieks]

THAT'S A CONFESSION, YOU WEASEL! YOU SPIED ON ME! YOU'RE A PEEPING TOM!

THERE'S ONLY ONE THING WORSE THAN A PEEPING TOM, AND THAT IS A SQUEALER.

YOU'RE BOTH, YOU 4-EYED FAG!

LOOK, UH, I--I--I SENSE-- I SENSE THAT YOU'RE UPSET--

OH! WHAT--WHAT--WHAT KIND OF WEIRDO ARE YOU?

YOU MUST HAVE EYES LIKE A VULTURE.

IF YOU'D CLOSE YOUR WINDOW SHADES--

I DON'T WANNA CLOSE MY WINDOW SHADES!

IT'S TOO DAMN HOT IN THAT ROOM.

FRICTION, NO DOUBT.

WHAT'S THAT? SO, W-W-W-WHAT IS THAT?

SOME KIND OF DIRTY JOKE, HUH?

FRICTION AND...

OH, YEAH. I GET IT.

SOMETHIN' YOU PROBABLY WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT.

I SUPPOSE ALL THE GUYS YOU PICK UP ARE AIR-CONDITIONED, EH?

LOOK, I'M STARTING TO GET ANGRY.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? CLAW MY EYES OUT?

I'M GETTING ANGRY.

OR GET ONE OF YOUR BOYFRIENDS TO BEAT ME UP?

I'M ANGRY. WHERE YOU GOIN'?

[chuckles]

I'M CALLING THE POLICE.

[phone dialing]

[sobbing]

[Doris sniffling]

[Doris mumbling]

LOOK, PLEASE DON'T DO THAT.

THERE'S NO POINT IN CRYING.

CRYING DOES NOT SOLVE ANYTHING.

WHO'S CRYING?

[sobbing]

[sighing]

WHY DON'T YOU JUST RETURN TO YOUR APARTMENT, GET A GOOD NIGHT'S--

I DON'T HAVE ANY APARTMENT. THAT SON OF A BITCH THREW ME OUT.

WHAT?

THAT SON OF A BITCH RASPIN ASKED--

RAPZINSKY.

YEAH, HE THREW ME OUT. THREW YOU OUT?

IN THE STREET. IN THE STREET?

BECAUSE YOU WERE GONNA CALL THE COPS.

I WAS GONNA CALL-- WHAT ARE YOU, A PARROT?

NOW, LOOK, I SAID NOTHING TO RAPZINSKY ABOUT THE POLICE.

I MERELY WARNED HIM THAT SOMETHING WAS GOING ON IN ONE OF HIS APARTMENTS...

OH, WHY ME? WHY ME?

OR IS IT JUST GIRLS IN GENERAL THAT YOU HATE?

[sniffles]

[sobbing]

LOOK, COULD YOU CRY SOMEPLACE ELSE?

I'M NOT CRYING!

COULD YOU NOT CRY SOMEPLACE ELSE?

YOU'RE GETTING MY TYPEWRITER ALL WET.

JESUS, YOU ARE REALLY CREEPY. THE KEYS WILL RUST.

WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO CRY? HOW ABOUT DETROIT?

OK, FINK. GIVE ME 5 BUCKS, AND I'LL GO FIND A ROOM SOMEPLACE.

[sniffs]

DON'T WORRY, I'LL PAY YOU BACK!

I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY.

I WAS PAID TODAY, AND I DIDN'T CASH MY CHECK.

THAT FIGURES.

[sniffs]

FINKS NEVER HAVE ANY MONEY.

[sighs]

W-W-WHAT ABOUT THE MONEY THAT YOUR, UH, YOUR FRIEND GAVE YOU?

RAPZINSKY-- WHATEVER HIS NAME IS, HE TOOK IT.

HE SAID THAT IF I GAVE HIM THE MONEY,

HE'D COVER IT UP WITH THE COPS.

THAT WAS A DESPICABLE THING TO DO.

YEAH.

WHAT'S THAT MEAN?

WHAT DOES WHAT MEAN?

WHAT YOU JUST SAID-- "DESPICABLE."

IT MEANS HE'S A NATURALLY ROTTEN PERSON.

THAT'S HIS EXCUSE. WHAT'S YOURS?

WHAT'S MY WHAT?

WHY DID YOU DO IT? WHY DID YOU RAT ON ME?

WHY DID YOU COMPLAIN TO RAPZINSKY ABOUT MY TYPING?

THAT'S WHY YOU DID IT? BECAUSE OF YOUR GODDAMN TYPING?

WELL, I WAS UPSET. I--I HAD A BAD DAY.

YOU HAD A BAD DAY? I LOST MY JOB, I DIDN'T GET PAID,

I GOT THROWN OUT OF MY ROOM,

I GOT NO PLACE TO GO, I'M FLAT BROKE, IT'S RAINING,

AND I'M STUCK IN A ROOM WITH A PERVERT!

ALL RIGHT. AT LEAST YOU'VE GOT YOUR HEALTH.

OH, VERY FUNNY. BOY, YOU'RE ONE HELL OF...

UH...

UH...

W-WAIT A MINUTE.

UH... OH!

L-L-LET...

[shrieking]

FOR GOD'S SAKE, IT'S 3:00 IN THE MORNING!

YOU WERE WATCHING ME WITH THESE!

YOU'RE NO AMATEUR PEEPING TOM! YOU'RE A PRO!

ARE YOU IN TRAINING FOR THE PERVERTS' OLYMPIC GAMES?

NOT SO LOUD. WITH THE NAKED EYE,

IT'S JUST PLAIN DIRTY. BUT WITH THESE THINGS...

OH, MISTER, WHEN YOU HAVE TO WORK AT IT THIS HARD, IT'S FILTH!

YOU'VE GOT TO BE ASHAMED! YOU'RE A DISGUSTING PERSON!

IT JUST SO HAPPENS--

DID YOU TAKE ANY PICTURES OF ME?

IT'S PART OF MY WORK. IT--IT'S PART OF MY STUDIES.

YEAH? YOU STUDYING TO BE A GYNECOLOGIST?

I HAPPEN TO BE A WRITER. I OBSERVE PEOPLE.

THAT IS WHAT A WRITER DOES.

HA! WHAT A WRITER DOES IS WRITE.

LOOKIN' THROUGH WINDOWS IS WHAT A PEEPING TOM DOES.

THIS IS INCREDIBLE.

I'M KNEELING HERE IN MY OWN APARTMENT BEING LECTURED TO BY A WHORE!

[phone ringing] I'M NOT A WHORE! I'M NOT A WHORE!

I'M A MODEL! AND AN ACTRESS!

NOW YOU'VE DONE IT! NOW YOU'VE DONE IT!

WE'RE BOTH GONNA GET THROWN OUT OF HERE.

I HAPPEN TO HAVE APPEARED IN 2 TELEVISION COMMERCIALS, YOU KNOW.

[groaning]

AND ALSO, I--I'VE APPEARED IN THE PAGES OF MANY LEADING MAGAZINES.

ALL RIGHT. SHUSH.

AND NEWSPAPERS. IT'S TRUE... SHUSH, SHUSH.

ALL RIGHT. ...I'M TELLING YOU.

HELLO.

HI, HELLO, MR. RAPZINSKY.

YES, UH...

I KNOW, I KNOW. IT'S--IT'S 3:00.

A FRIEND OF...

YES, I WILL.

[door slamming]

WHERE'D YOU GO, TOOTSIE?

HIDING UNDER THE COVERS FROM THE BIG, BAD LADY?

HMM.

[water running]

[knocking on door]

OPEN THIS DOOR, PLEASE.

WHO IS IT? WHO'S OUT THERE?

IT'S JUST ME, MR. SHERMAN.

WHO?

SHERMAN, FELIX SHERMAN.

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOIN' OUT THERE?

I--I LIVE HERE.

WHERE? HERE, IN THIS APARTMENT.

DON'T YELL AT ME, PUNK! DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

LOOK, UH, IF--IF I COULD JUST CLIMB THROUGH YOUR WINDOW...

(woman) WATCH OUT! WATCH OUT!

STAY WHERE YOU ARE, MISTER! DON'T COME ANY CLOSER! I--I'VE GOT A BROOM!

LOOK, I'VE--I'VE LOCKED MYSELF OUT.

[chuckling] BELIEVE ME, I'M COMPLETELY UNARMED.

(woman) HE'S GOING TO EXPOSE HIMSELF!

[door slamming]

*[Doris humming]

[banging on door]

SHERMAN, WHERE ARE YOU?

(Felix) I'M OUT IN THE HALL.

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' OUT THERE?

I'M LOCKED OUT.

YOU SURE IT'S YOU?

(Felix) POSITIVE.

ARE YOU ALONE?

OF COURSE I'M ALONE!

(Doris) SWEAR.

WHAT?

SWEAR TO ME YOU ARE JUST A LITTLE FRUIT

ALL ALONE IN THE HALLWAY.

HUH.

[groans]

DID YOU HURT YOURSELF, HONEY?

NOW, LOOK. I THINK I'VE GOT ABOUT $1.50.

I'M GOING TO GIVE IT TO YOU,

AND THEN YOU'RE GOING TO GO AWAY.

A WHOLE $1.50.

ALMOST $1.75.

GOSH, NOW I CAN TAKE THAT TRIP TO EUROPE I'VE BEEN DREAMING ABOUT.

WHAT ABOUT THE Y.W.C.A.?

FOR $1.75? THAT CHRISTIAN THE Y.W.C.A. IS NOT.

NOW LISTEN, IF "I, RAPZINSKY"

FINDS OUT THAT YOU'RE HERE,

HE'S GONNA THROW ME, SHERMAN, OUT OF THIS APARTMENT.

THAT WOULD BE JUST TERRIBLE, WOULDN'T IT?

TO GET THROWN OUT OF YOUR APARTMENT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?

NOW, LISTEN, I'M GONNA GO TO SLEEP.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA HEAR ANOTHER SOUND OUT OF ME.

I'M GONNA BE OUT OF HERE TOMORROW MORNING BEFORE YOU GET UP

BECAUSE I DON'T WANNA LOOK AT YOUR FACE ANY MORE THAN I HAVE TO.

OK?

OK.

WHERE'S YOUR T.V.?

I AM PROUD TO SAY I DON'T HAVE ONE.

YOU DON'T? WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

I CAN'T GO TO SLEEP WITHOUT THE T.V.

USE YOUR SET.

I CAN'T. HE BUSTED IT.

HE CAME CHARGING IN AND HE--AND HE RIPPED THE CORD OUT

WITH HIS BARE CLAWS.

I HAVE HAD THIS SET 8 YEARS. 8 YEARS NEXT AUGUST.

[door slams]

IF HE HURT IT,

OR IF ANY OF THOSE TUBES,

OR ANYTHING ARE BROKEN,

I SWEAR, I'M GONNA MURDER HIM.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

YOU EXPECTING COMPANY?

THIS HAPPENS TO BE A VERY EXPENSIVE CREATION, YOU KNOW.

I HAD TO SEND AWAY FOR IT.

DID IT COME IN A PLAIN BROWN WRAPPER?

IT'S ONE OF MY MODELING OUTFITS.

FOR WHOM DO YOU MODEL? THE BOSTON STRANGLER?

LISTEN, MR. SHERMAN, IF YOU'RE NICE, I'LL LET YOU TRY IT ON SOMETIME.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET ONE THING STRAIGHT,

DORIS.

(Doris) HOW'D YOU KNOW MY NAME?

IT'S WRITTEN THERE.

[gasping]

WHO GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO READ MY PANTIES?

GOOD NIGHT.

HEY, UM, WHAT WERE YOU GONNA SAY?

HMM?

CAN'T YOU JUST TALK TO ME FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES?

I CAN'T-- CAN'T GO TO SLEEP COLD TURKEY.

WE HAVE NOTHING TO SAY TO ONE ANOTHER.

WE DO NOT SPEAK THE SAME LANGUAGE.

AW, COME ON. I WON'T HURT YA.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SCARED OF ME.

DO YOU MIND? [gasping]

OOH!

ALMOST CAUGHT YA, DIDN'T I?

WILL YOU JUST PUT DOWN THE SHADE AND GO AWAY?

WHY?

YOU THINK YOU GOT SOMETHIN' SPECIAL?

YOU THINK YOU GOT SOMETHIN' I HAVEN'T SEEN BEFORE?

ONE OF THE VERY FEW, NO DOUBT.

YOU'VE GOTTA GET OVER THIS TERRIBLE FEAR OF THE OPPOSITE SEX.

WILL YOU GET OUT OF HERE?

JUST 'CAUSE YOU LIVE IN THE TWILIGHT WORLD, SEXUALLY SPEAKING--

LISTEN, GODDAMN IT, I'M JUST AS NORMAL AS YOU ARE.

LET ME REPHRASE THAT.

W-WHAT ARE YOU SO ASHAMED OF?

(Felix) I'M NOT ASHAMED OF ANYTHING.

OH, YEAH?

YEAH.

YEAH?

YEAH.

YEAH?

[laughing]

[continues laughing]

[hiccups]

OH.

[Doris hiccupping]

[Doris laughing]

[sighing]

[hiccups]

OH, GOD.

[laughing] THAT'S WHAT I GET FOR LAUGHING SO HARD.

[hiccups]

HEY.

(Doris) I'M SORRY I LAUGHED.

[Doris hiccupping]

I MEAN, HONEST. CRO-CROSS MY HEART.

I WASN'T LAUGHING AT YOU ANYWAY.

[laughing] I WAS LAUGHING AT THE--THE SITUATION.

[hiccups]

[sniffles]

I MEAN IT.

[hiccups]

OH.

(Doris) I MEAN IT, CROSS MY HEART.

[hiccupping] YOU'RE A PERFECTLY NICE-LOOKING PERSON.

NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU AT ALL.

[hiccupping] OH.

(Felix) HOLD YOUR BREATH.

IT NEVER WORKS.

[hiccupping]

[groaning]

(Felix) TAKE 10 SIPS OF WATER.

NO GOOD. YOU GOTTA SCARE ME.

[hiccups]

I'VE GOTTA SCARE YOU?

IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT WORKS. COME ON, COME ON. PLEASE.

MAYBE YOU'LL HICCUP YOURSELF TO SLEEP.

LOOK, I GET THEM VERY DEEP! IT'S A TREMENDOUS STRAIN ON MY HEART!

SO STOP FOOLIN' AROUND AND SCARE ME, OR I'LL SCREAM!

COME ON!

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

YOU'RE SITTING THERE, WAITING FOR ME TO FRIGHTEN YOU?

YOU GOTTA PUT ME OFF MY GUARD.

PUT YOU OFF YOUR GUARD?

YEAH, OF COURSE, DUMMY. CHANGE THE SUBJECT, DISTRACT ME.

[hiccupping]

OK.

NICE WEATHER WE'RE HAVING, DON'T YOU THINK?

[hiccupping] IT'S RAINING.

IT'S WARMER THAN IT WAS LAST YEAR AT THIS TIME.

I WAS IN CHICAGO LAST YEAR AT THIS TIME.

FASCINATING CITY. HEY, IT STINKS!

WILL YOU COME ON, OR DO I HAVE TO HICCUP TO DEATH?

I'M PUTTING YOU OFF YOUR GUARD.

I AM OFF MY GUARD NOW!

NO, YOU'RE NOT. YOU'RE EXPECTING IT.

I AM NOT EXPECTING IT! COME ON!

[hiccups]

[shouting]

[laughing]

[hiccups]

YOU'RE RIGHT. I WAS EXPECTING IT.

LOOK, I'M GOING TO SLEEP. I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO. I'M EXHAUSTED. GOOD NIGHT.

[hiccupping]

YOU DIRTY, HEARTLESS, SON OF A BITCH!

[hiccupping]

[sighs]

OUCH!

[sighs]

(Doris) HEY, YOU GOT ANYTHING TO DRINK?

[Doris hiccups]

[Doris sighs]

YOU GOT ANY COCA-COLA?

[hiccups]

HEY, TINKER-BELL!

(Felix) IN THE ICEBOX.

I COULD DIE FOR ALL THAT PERVERT CARES.

[hiccups]

NOBODY GIVES A DAMN ABOUT ANYBODY ANYMORE.

[hiccups]

[growling]

[screaming]

[exclaiming] [groaning]

[dog barking on tape]

[Felix groans]

[screams]

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

YOU CRAZY OR SOMETHIN', FOR CHRIST'S SAKE?

[Doris screaming]

[Felix grunting]

I TOLD YOU TO SCARE ME, NOT GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK!

(Felix) STOP IT! STOP IT!

[screaming]

[dog barking on tape]

[exclaims]

[Doris shrieking]

GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME, YOU CREEP.

[car honking]

[whistling]

GET HER.

UP YOURS.

[mumbling]

* AT THE END

* OF JACKSON HIGHWAY

* WHERE THE WOODS

* AND THE MOUNTAINS PART

* LIVES A GAL I MET

THIS MAKES 3.

3 WHAT?

3 TIMES I'VE BEEN ON T.V.

THIS COULD BE YOUR BIG BREAK.

[elevator door opens]

[doorbell buzzing]

[chuckles]

[buzzing continues]

WHAT HAPPENED?

BARNEY, I REALIZE THIS IS A TERRIBLE IMPOSITION.

WHY? WHAT HAPPENED?

BELIEVE ME, IF THERE WERE ANY OTHER ALTERNATIVE...

WHAT HAPPENED, FELIX?

FELIX?

WE'VE--

WE'VE BEEN EVICTED.

HELLO.

HI, I'M DORIS. PLEASED TO MEET YOU.

I'M BARNEY.

I PLAN, NATURALLY, TO TAKE THIS TO THE COURTS--

WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME ABOUT IT IN THE MORNING?

FELIX!

THIS IS A MOST PECULIAR SITUATION.

ACTUALLY, WE, UH...

DORIS AND I MET

UH, THIS EVENING FOR THE FIRST TIME,

ALTHOUGH WE'VE BEEN OCCUPANTS OF THE SAME BUILDING.

I DIDN'T HAVE ANY CASH, OR, OF COURSE, WE WOULDN'T HAVE COME HERE.

WE WOULD HAVE SIMPLY GONE TO A HOTEL.

TO SEPARATE HOTELS,

TO--TO SEPARATE ROOMS IN THE SAME HOTEL.

YOU'RE STRAIGHT, HUH?

BARNEY,

YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME YOU WERE ENTERTAINING.

I MEAN, UH, WE CERTAINLY WOULDN'T HAVE, UH,

IN-INTERRUPTED ANYTHING.

YOU WANNA USE THE BATHROOM?

CERTAINLY NOT.

THANK YOU THOUGH.

THANKS FOR EVERYTHING.

OH.

[sighs]

LISTEN, IF THERE'S ANYTHING I CAN--

FELIX.

YES?

I MEAN, THAT'S REALLY YOUR NAME? FELIX?

IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH FELIX?

KIND OF OOKY SOUNDING, ISN'T IT?

I'M NOT OVERLY FAMILIAR WITH THE WORD "OOKY."

PERHAPS IF YOU COULD STRETCH YOUR MEAGER VOCABULARY ENOUGH

TO EKE OUT A DEFINITION OF THE TERM.

I MEAN, I MEAN, FELIX IS A--A GOOD NAME

FOR A PET SNAIL.

THANK YOU. I KNOW YOU'RE NOT PARTICULARLY WELL-VERSED

IN ENTOMOLOGY, BUT--

YOU BET YOUR ASS I'M NOT.

THE NAME "FELIX" MEANS "HAPPY AND LUCKY."

YEAH, THAT'S YOU. A HAPPY, LUCKY SNAIL.

THANK YOU, "DORIS."

WHAT DO YOU MEAN "DORIS"?

DORIS-- A HELPLESS, HOPELESS HUSTLER.

OK, BUSTER. I GOT 2 THINGS TO SAY TO YOU!

ONE, I AM NOT A HUSTLER. I'M A MODEL AND AN ACTRESS!

I'VE APPEARED IN 3 TELEVISION COMMERCIALS, YOU KNOW.

3? OH, MY GOD, THAT'S FANTASTIC!

3, YOU MUST HAVE MADE ANOTHER COMMERCIAL IN THE ELEVATOR!

OK, OK, MAYBE IT WAS ONLY 2.

BUT I'VE APPEARED IN PAGES OF MANY LEADING MAGAZINES AND NEWSPAPERS

AND I HAVE BEEN IN A MOVIE.

AND IN BETWEEN ASSIGNMENTS YOU'RE FOR RENT.

I HAVE ONLY DONE THAT A COUPLE OF TIMES,

AND EVEN THEN IT WAS WITH PERFECTLY RESPECTABLE PEOPLE,

YOU HEAR, UNDER EMERGENCY CONDITIONS.

AND IT'S SOMETHING YOU PROBABLY WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.

WHAT IS?

(Doris) THAT I MAY BE A PROSTITUTE, BUT I AM NOT PROMISCUOUS.

(Felix) YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. IT'S A SUBTLE DISTINCTION.

I TAKE IT ALL BACK.

YOU'RE A FINE EXAMPLE OF CAPITALISM AT ITS MOST EFFICIENT.

YOU MERELY TAKE NATURAL RESOURCES,

ADD THE COST OF LABOR,

AND SELL THE PRODUCT FOR A REASONABLE PROFIT.

I DIDN'T FOLLOW ALL THAT,

BUT I GET THE FEELING IT WAS AN INSULT.

NOPE.

IT WAS JUST A STATEMENT OF THE WAY THINGS ARE.

HMM!

*[humming]

[clears throat]

ARE YOU PLANNING TO SLEEP IN THAT POSITION?

IT'S A HABIT I GOT FROM WATCHING T.V. AT NIGHT.

YOU HAD 2 THINGS TO SAY TO ME.

I DID?

OH, YEAH, YEAH!

I JUST HAPPEN TO KNOW WHAT THE NAME DORIS MEANS

BECAUSE I LOOKED IT UP.

[sighs]

I GUESS YOU DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING.

[sighs]

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE NAME DORIS MEANS, DO YOU, DR. I.Q.?

WOULD YOU LIKE-- WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO TELL YOU

WHAT--WHAT THE NAME DORIS MEANS?

I MEAN, WOULD YOU LIKE TO LEARN SOMETHING?

IF IT WILL HELP YOU SLEEP.

THE NAME "DORIS" MEANS "A DORIAN WOMAN."

AND WHAT IS A DORIAN WOMAN?

BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

VERY NICE. YOU WANNA TURN OUT THE LIGHT?

CAN'T GO TO SLEEP YET.

BUT I CAN.

WELL, YOU'RE A VERY FORTUNATE PERSON.

*[humming]

IT'S NICE TO BE ABLE TO GO TO SLEEP WHENEVER YOU WANT TO.

[clears throat]

[sighs]

[coughs]

ONCE I DO GO TO SLEEP, I--I DO SLEEP VERY SOUNDLY, YOU KNOW.

LIKE A LOG.

LIKE A CORPSE.

BUT IT'S VERY HARD FOR ME TO GET TO SLEEP ONCE I'M AWAKE.

[Doris sighs]

I HAD THIS SHRINK ONCE

WHO SAID IT WAS BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID OF DYING.

I DON'T KNOW, I...

I THINK THAT, UM...

I THINK THAT IT...

I--I GOT THIS...

TOO MUCH OF THIS, UH, STUFF CALLED, UH...

AD-ADRENALINED

THAT I GOT, YOU KNOW?

*[whistling]

[Doris sighs]

SEE LIKE WHEN I'M LYING VERY STILL,

I CAN FEEL IT, YOU KNOW,

SORT OF

GOING UP MY BODY

IN ALL MY ORGANS.

MY ARMS. MY LEGS.

LIKE ENERGY.

LIKE ELECTRICITY.

LIKE LON CHANEY, YOU KNOW? IN THE MAN MADE MONSTER?

WHERE THEY--THEY KEEP EXPERIMENTING ON LON CHANEY

BY GIVING HIM THESE BIGGER AND BIGGER HUNKS OF ELECTRICITY

UNTIL HE DAMN NEAR GLOWS.

SO, ONE DAY, AFTER HE KNOCKS SOMEBODY OFF,

THEY PUT HIM IN THE ELECTRIC CHAIR,

WHERE THEY--WHERE THEY GIVE HIM ABOUT 50,000 VOLTS OF ELECTRICITY.

WELL, THIS MAKES HIM ABSOLUTELY MAD AS HELL,

SO HE BUSTS LOOSE.

AND YOU KNOW, WHEN THEY TRY TO GRAB HIM,

THEY REALIZE, MY GOD!

ALL HE HAS TO DO IS SLIP 'EM A GOOSE,

AND THEY WOULD FRY TO A CRISP.

JESUS, CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT SOMETHING LIKE THAT MUST BE LIKE?

WHAT IS IT?

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

I'VE BEEN UP SINCE 8:00 THIS MORNING, YESTERDAY MORNING!

MY BODY IS YEARNING FOR SLEEP DESPERATELY.

I HAVE THINGS I HAVE TO DO TODAY.

I WOULD LIKE TO BE AWAKE WHEN I AM DOING THEM!

I AM NOT BLESSED WITH AN EXCESS OF ADRENALINE.

I AM CURSED BY THE NEED, ONCE EVERY DAY OR SO,

TO CLOSE MY EYES AND TO ACTUALLY SLEEP.

[groans]

OH, TO ACTUALLY SLEEP!

[grunting] YOU'VE GOT ME SO PUNCHY,

I'M EVEN SPLITTING INFINITIVES!

MY MIND IS CRACKING!

SOON I WON'T BE RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ACTIONS.

I'M WARNING YOU!

YOU'RE A REAL TIGER WHEN YOU'RE AROUSED!

PLEASE! PLEASE, DORIS!

I'M ASKING YOU,

IN THE NAME OF EVERYTHING WE HOLD SACRED,

GO TO SLEEP.

I'M VERY SORRY. I WOULD LIKE TO GO TO SLEEP,

BUT I CAN'T FALL ASLEEP WITHOUT THE T.V. ON. IT KINDA SOOTHES ME.

HOW ABOUT A SLEEPING PILL?

I NEVER TAKE SLEEPING PILLS. THEY'RE TOO ENERVATING.

[Felix sobbing]

DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID?

WHAT?

I SAID PILLS ARE TOO ENERVATING.

YES, I HEARD THAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, ENERVATING?

YES, I DO.

MOST PEOPLE THINK IT MEANS JUST THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT IT MEANS.

DO THEY?

BUT IT DOESN'T.

NO, WORDS RARELY DO.

DO WHAT?

MEAN THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT THEY MEAN.

MY GOD, I'M BEGINNING TO TALK LIKE HER!

[sobbing]

HEY, MAYBE YOU COULD BORROW A T.V. SET FROM NEXT DOOR.

[inaudible]

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?

[mimicking young man] THEN THERE'S NO WAY TO PROVE MY INNOCENCE?

[mimicking old man] DON'T WORRY. JUST BEFORE HE DIED,

THE OLD INDIAN CONFESSED, HE TOLD US EVERYTHIN'.

EVERYTHIN'?

YES, YES, EVERYTHIN'.

A-ABOUT THE MONEY, UH, THEY FOUND IT WHERE HE BURIED IT

NEXT TO THE OLD CROSS ON THE HILL.

AND ABOUT LOUISE...

[mimicking young man] LOUISE? IS SHE...

[mimicking old man] YES, BUT SHE'LL NEVER WALK AGAIN.

NEVER?

AT LEAST NOT UNTIL NEXT WEEK

WHEN SHE WALKS DOWN THE CENTER AISLE OF THE CHAPEL WITH YOU.

BUT, DAD, I--I THOUGHT...

NO, NO, SON.

YOUR MOTHER AND I FOUND HER MANY YEARS AGO, A TINY THING.

SHE WAS HALF DEAD WITH EXPOSURE AND EXHAUSTION

IN SAMSON'S GULCH.

[mimicking boy] THEN...

THAT'S RIGHT, SON. LOUISE IS NOT YOUR SISTER.

BUT THAT'S ANOTHER STORY.

* DA DA DA DA DA DA

[mimicking announcer] JUST TIME FOR A WRAP-UP OF

THIS EVENING'S LATEST HEADLINES BEFORE WE SIGN OFF.

THE BODY OF WRITER FELIX SHERMAN WAS FOUND EARLY THIS MORNING

IN A NEW YORK APARTMENT.

AUTOPSY REPORTS INDICATE

THAT THE CAUSE OF DEATH WAS AGGRAVATED EXHAUSTION.

AND THAT'S THIS EVENING'S HEADLINES.

TONIGHT'S SERMONETTE DEALS

WITH ONE OF GOD'S GREATEST GIFTS TO MAN:

THE POWER OF SLEEP.

SLEEP THAT REFRESHES THE BODY AND NOURISHES THE MIND.

SLEEP THAT KNITS UP THE RAVELED SLEEVE OF CARE.

SLEEP THAT SEIZES MINISTER, PRIEST AND RABBI ALIKE,

WITHOUT REGARD FOR COLOR OR NATIONAL ORIGIN.

* LA DA DA DA DA DA DA *

* OH, SAY, CAN YOU SEE

* AND THE ROCKETS' RED GLARE *

[mimicking explosion]

THIS IS F-E-L-I-X-T.V., THE SHERMAN STATION,

SIGNING OFF FOREVER.

OH. OH, THAT WAS TERRIFIC. THAT WAS REALLY TERRIFIC.

YOU'RE NOT GETTING UP.

DID YOU MAKE ALL THAT STUFF UP?

YOU MUST BE A TERRIFIC WRITER.

PLEASE DON'T GET UP.

I'VE GOTTA GET A DRINK OF WATER.

WHAT DID YOU WRITE FOR? FOR TELEVISION?

MY GOD, SHE'S UP. SHE'S UP.

DID YOU? DID YOU WRITE FOR T.V.?

NO, I DID NOT EVER WRITE FOR THE LOBOTOMY BOX.

WHAT'D YOU WRITE FOR? FOR--FOR MOVIES?

NO, I DIDN'T WRITE FOR MOVIES.

OH, THAT'S TOO BAD.

THEY DON'T SEEM TO THINK SO.

AH, I LOVE THE MOVIES. I USED TO GO EVERY NIGHT

TO 40, UH, TO 42ND STREET,

BUT, UM, TROUBLE IS, THERE WAS ALWAYS SOMEBODY, YOU KNOW,

SITTIN' NEXT TO ME TRYING SOMETHING WEIRD.

DID YOU EVER TRY READING?

THAT WOULDN'T STOP 'EM.

NO, I DON'T MEAN IN THE THEATER.

DID YOU EVER TRY READING A BOOK?

A BOOK! OH, YEAH, YEAH.

I USED TO READ PLAYBOY ALL THE TIME UNTIL I GOT MAD AT THEM.

(Felix) WHY?

WELL, YOU KNOW, I POSED FOR THESE, UH, TERRIFIC, UH,

PLAYMATE OF THE MONTH THING, YOU KNOW?

YEAH, WHAT HAPPENED?

THEY SENT 'EM BACK.

I KNOW THE FEELING.

HEY, FELIX.

HMM?

WANNA FOOL AROUND?

NO, I DO NOT WANT TO FOOL AROUND.

OK.

WANT A DRINK OF WATER?

DORIS, I KNOW THIS IS GONNA COME AS A GREAT SURPRISE TO YOU,

BUT I THINK I WOULD LIKE TO GO TO SLEEP.

HEY, COULD YOU TELL ME A STORY?

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

JUST TELL ME A STORY,

AND I SWEAR I WILL GO TO SLEEP.

WHAT--WHAT KIND OF A STORY?

OH, YOU KNOW, LIKE A--A--A--A GOOD MOVIE STORY.

I'M EXTREMELY SORRY,

BUT I DO NOT KNOW THE STORY OF THE SOUND OF MUSIC.

OH, NO, NOT THAT TERRIBLE THING.

YOU THOUGHT THE SOUND OF MUSIC WAS TERRIBLE?

4 TIMES I SAW THAT TERRIBLE MOVIE.

YOU MUST'VE REALLY HATED IT.

DAMN NEAR KILLED MY FRIEND ELEANOR.

IT DID?

IN THE BALCONY OF THE R.K.O., 86TH STREET, NOW TORN DOWN.

YES?

IT WAS PLAYING CONTINUOUS.

NO INTERMISSION.

GET IT?

NOT QUITE.

HER BLADDER BURST.

THERE'S A LESSON THERE FOR ALL OF US.

HEY, WHAT ABOUT MY STORY?

I'M PLANNING TO HAVE A NIGHTMARE. YOU CAN LISTEN IN.

WHAT ABOUT ALL THOSE STORIES YOU GOT IN YOUR SUITCASE?

THEY ARE WORKS IN PROGRESS.

WELL, LISTEN, READ ME SOME OF YOUR WORKS IN PROGRESS.

I'M INTERESTED. I REALLY AM.

YOU WOULD NOT UNDERSTAND MY WORK.

HOW YOU KNOW?

IT HAS NO BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE,

NO HIT SONGS, NO HAPPY ENDING.

MAYBE I COULD SHOW YOU WHERE YOU WENT WRONG.

I KNOW WHERE I WENT WRONG.

I WENT WRONG WHEN I OPENED MY FRONT DOOR AT 2:00 THIS MORNING.

COME ON, READ ME SOME OF YOUR STUFF,

AND I PROMISE I'LL NEVER ASK YOU ANYTHING AGAIN.

LISTEN, I DIG THE SOUND OF YOUR VOICE.

HONEST.

IT'S VERY ENERVATING.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

OH, I TOLD YOU.

COME ON, READ ME A STORY.

I DON'T WANT TO READ YOU MY STORY.

ISN'T THERE ANY OTHER WAY YOU CAN FALL ASLEEP?

I'LL READ YOU MY STORY.

GREAT.

I'M A TERRIFIC AUDIENCE, YOU'LL SEE.

I BET I'M ASLEEP BEFORE PAGE 2.

(Felix) THAT WOULD BE A COMPLIMENT.

*[humming]

[coughing]

[sighs]

"SCREAM, CHAPTER ONE, THE CITY."

SCREAM. OH, THAT'S THE TITLE, RIGHT?

SCREAM? YES.

"THE CITY."

[sighing] THAT'S A WILD TITLE.

THANK YOU.

"THE CITY CAME TO LIFE.

"THE SUN SPIT MORNING INTO JULIAN'S FACE.

"TRAFFIC'S SYMPHONY RESPONDED TO DAY'S DOWNBEAT.

"AS A MILLION SOULS WRAPPED IN THE COCOON OF SLEEP--"

"SUN SPIT MORNING"?

"AS A MILLION SOULS WRAPPED IN THE COCOON--"

WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.

THE SUN SPIT MORNING INTO THIS GUY'S FACE?

THAT WAS THE IMAGE, YES.

HIS FACE

THAT MORNING SPIT INTO IT.

I TOLD YOU, YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT.

NO, YOU DIDN'T. YOU SAID I WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND IT. WELL...

I UNDERSTAND IT OK, BUT I DON'T DISLIKE IT. YOU DON'T?

I HATE IT! WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "THE SUN SPIT MORNING"?

IT WASN'T WRITTEN FOR YOU.

WHO WAS IT WRITTEN FOR?

YOU DON'T HAVE TO RAISE YOUR VOICE.

WHAT RIGHT HAVE YOU GOT TO SAY A TERRIBLE THING LIKE THAT?

"THE SUN SPIT MORNING!"

CALM DOWN. WHAT ARE YOU YELLING ABOUT? IT'S A VERY SIMPLE METAPHOR.

THE SUN SPIT MORNING, THAT'S ALL.

THAT IS NOT ALL.

THE SUN SPIT MORNING INTO THIS GUY'S FACE!

BARNEY. WE DIDN'T WAKE YOU, DID WE?

OH, NO. NO, NOT AT ALL.

WE THOUGHT WE'D GO DOWN, AND WATCH THE GARBAGE COLLECTORS AT WORK.

GET A JUMP ON THE CROWD.

I'M SORRY IF, UH, WE--WE CAUSED YOU ANY DISTURBANCE.

NO, NO, REALLY.

WE PLANNED TO TAKE A DRIVE TODAY IN THE COUNTRY ANYWAY.

AND SINCE THE SUN HAS BEGUN TO SPIT,

YOU KNOW, WE JUST THOUGHT WE'D GET OUT THERE EARLY

AND CATCH SOME OF THE MORNING DROOL.

[door closing]

I SURE HOPE I DIDN'T EMBARRASS YOU WITH YOUR FRIEND.

HEY, THAT'S NOT HIS OLD LADY, IS IT?

HE'S A VERY NICE-LOOKING PERSON.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT SO BAD YOURSELF. I'M NOT KIDDING.

HEY, AREN'T YOU GOING TO TALK TO ME ANYMORE?

HMM?

HELLO?

LISTEN, I'M SORRY IF I USED ALL THAT VULGAR LANGUAGE,

AND I'M SORRY THAT YOU GOT BOUNCED OUT OF YOUR PLACE AND EVERYTHING.

IT'S JUST THAT I WAS SO GODDAMN-- I MEAN, GOSH-DARN MAD.

YOU HAD EVERY RIGHT TO BE UPSET.

CONSIDERING THE FACTS, YOUR CONDUCT WAS EXEMPLARY.

YOU SURE KNOW SOME TERRIFIC, BIG WORDS.

LANGUAGE IS MY BUSINESS.

[screams]

YOU OK IN THERE?

YES.

[water running]

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?

(Felix) BRUSHING MY TEETH.

[sighs]

MAKE MUCH MONEY AT IT?

[muffled] BRUSHING--BRUSHING MY TEETH IS--IS NOT THE ATTRACTION

THAT IT USED TO BE.

NO, DUMMY, I MEANT WRITING.

I DON'T WRITE TO MAKE MONEY.

(Doris) BUT YOU'D TAKE IT IF THEY GAVE IT TO YOU, WOULDN'T YOU?

YES, BUT IT WOULD BE INCONSISTENT

WITH MY AESTHETIC RESPONSIBILITIES.

I UNDERSTAND "WITH" AND "MY."

THEY WOULD GIVE ME MONEY TO WRITE THEIR WAY.

I WANT TO WRITE MY WAY.

WELL, I GUESS THEY FIGURE IT'S THEIR MONEY.

YES, I THINK THAT'S THE WAY THEY FIGURE.

GOOD NIGHT, DORIS.

[door opening]

[thudding]

WHY DID YOU DO THAT?

THIS IS A DOUBLE BED.

I KNOW.

I ALWAYS FEEL SO SELFISH SLEEPING ALONE IN A DOUBLE BED,

WHEN THERE ARE PEOPLE IN CHINA SLEEPING ON THE GROUND.

NOW I'LL JUST HAVE TO MAKE IT UP ALL OVER AGAIN.

I'LL DO IT.

I'M QUITE CAPABLE OF DOING IT MYSELF.

LOOK, I UNMADE IT, I'LL MAKE IT!

I SAID I'LL DO IT, AND I'LL DO IT.

LOOK...

[grunts]

MMM.

DORIS!

OH, I GOTTA ADMIT, YOU KINDA GET TO ME.

COME ON, DORIS.

OH, BABY, I AM COMING ON.

I'M ABOUT TO GIVE YOU A SOUND THRASHING.

I DIG TOUGH GUYS.

BUT VIOLENCE IS AGAINST MY PRINCIPLES.

I DIG GENTLE GUYS. LOOK, BABY, I KNOW YOU WANT IT.

NO, DORIS, I'M NOT AN ANIMAL.

COME ON, SWEETHEART. YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT.

I AM NOT GOVERNED BY MY APPETITES.

I AM INTELLECTUAL.

MY LIFE IS GOVERNED BY--BY MY MIND.

(Doris) LOOK, BABY.

I AM NOT BABY. I AM FELIX.

I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT WHAT YOU DID IN THE PAST.

I'VE BEEN WITH GUYS WHO WERE A.C./D.C.

GODDAMN IT, DORIS, I AM NOT A.C./D.C.

CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? I AM TOTALLY D.C.

LOOK, IF YOU WANT TO, JUST GIVE ME YOUR HAND.

IF YOU WANT TO GIVE ME YOUR HAND.

YOU CAN CLOSE YOUR EYES AND PRETEND I'M A GUY,

A GUY WITH A SCREWED-UP SHAPE.

MMM-MMM.

OH, WOW! THAT WAS TERRIFIC! MMM!

[moaning]

[both muttering]

NO, I'LL GET IT. NO, I'LL GET IT.

I GOT IT! NO, LET ME DO IT.

(Felix) LET ME UNTIE IT. I CAN DO IT.

(Doris) LET ME DO IT. I'M USED TO THIS SORT OF THING.

LET ME UNTIE IT.

LET ME HELP, BABY.

LET ME HELP.

OH, LET ME DO IT.

YOU'RE MAKING IT TIGHTER!

[Doris sighing]

I GOT IT.

[Doris panting]

[Felix yelling]

WATCH IT! WATCH OUT!

OH, SHIT!

[screams] (Doris) WAIT A MINUTE. JUST--

OH, YOU MOTHER!

(Felix) DON'T POINT DOWN!

WAIT A MINUTE!

EASY. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT. OK.

AH, HERE IT IS.

[shrieks]

YEAH! MMM.

MMM.

NO, THAT'S NOT IT. NO, THAT'S NOT IT.

NO, NO, NO, YOU'RE...

(Felix) GIVE ME A HINT. A HINT.

NO, YOU HAVE TO UNDO IT. IT'S A--IT'S A...

DOES IT HINGE OR SOMETHING?

YEAH, YEAH. NO, NO, THAT'S NOT IT. COME ON, BABY. WILL YOU--

WHAT DO I DO? DO I HAVE TO SAY A SECRET WORD?

LET ME HELP YOU, WILL YOU?

CAN I HELP-- CAN I PLEASE HELP?

LOOK, DON'T TEAR IT!

WHAT IS THIS THING, A DECAL OR SOMETHING?

I'LL DO IT, I'LL DO IT!

(Doris) WHAT DO YOU THINK?

[sighing]

MMM, YEAH.

YEAH. MMM-MMM.

OH, DO THAT SOME MORE.

DO THAT SOME MORE. OH, COME ON, BABY.

OH, COME ON, BABY.

NOT BABY. COME, ON.

OH, KEEP IT UP, KEEP IT UP, LOVE. KEEP IT UP.

WELL, NO, NOT LOVE. YEAH, OK.

OH, YEAH.

OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

OH, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.

OH, ATTABOY! ATTABOY!

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

OH, VERY GOOD.

OH, WAIT, PUT YOUR HAND THERE.

PUT YOUR HAND UNDER THERE. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

(Felix) DORIS, PLEASE!

OH, GOOD. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, LET ME GET MY LEG OVER.

LET ME GET THIS LEG OVER.

(Felix) DORIS. YEAH?

(Felix) DORIS. UH, OH, GOOD. OH!

HOW DOES THAT FEEL?

OH. HOW DOES THAT FEEL, HUH? IS IT GOOD, GOOD?

(Felix) COULD YOU PLEASE

REFRAIN FROM TALKING SO MUCH?

IT'S RUINING MY-- MY CONCENTRATION.

WHAT AM I, A CHESS PROBLEM?

JUST SHUT UP!

OK, OK, OK, OK!

[grunting]

(Felix) DORIS, DORIS, PLEASE.

PLEASE, DORIS.

(Doris) MMM.

COME ON, DORIS.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

JUST A SIMPLE RESPECT FOR TRADITION.

[laughs]

ANYTHING YOU SAY, MR. SHERMAN.

MMM.

WHAT'S YOUR LAST NAME?

WAVERLY.

(Felix) ARE YOU SURE?

SURE I'M SURE.

IT'S JUST THAT YOU--YOU ASKED ME SO SUDDENLY.

WELL, ACTUALLY,

I AM IN BETWEEN NAMES RIGHT NOW.

I TRIED, UM,

WADSWORTH FOR A WHILE,

AND WELLINGTON,

BUT AT THE MOMENT IT'S--

IT'S WAVERLY.

WHY DO YOU KEEP CHANGING IT?

WELL,

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT FOR AN ACTRESS TO HAVE A CATCHY NAME, YOU KNOW?

SOMETHING THAT THE AUDIENCE CAN REMEMBER.

AND THAT SOUNDS KINDA CLASSY,

DON'T YOU THINK?

WELL,

I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT FOR AN ACTRESS TO HAVE SOME TALENT...

I GOT TALENT, BELIEVE ME.

OH, I DIDN'T MEAN...

I GOT PLENTY OF TALENT!

JUST 'CAUSE I DON'T TALK AS GOOD AS YOU,

JUST 'CAUSE YOU THINK I'M DUMB.

DORIS, I AM TELLING YOU, YOU ARE NOT DUMB.

YOU'RE NOT JUST BEIN', UH, POLITE?

NO.

WELL, YOU'RE WRONG.

HALF THE TIME, YOU KNOW, I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE SAYIN'.

ALL THOSE BIG WORDS YOU USE, THEY REALLY BUG ME.

DORIS, BIG WORDS ARE NOT INTRINSICALLY...

AH! YOU DID IT AGAIN. YOU SEE, YOU JUST HIT ME WITH ANOTHER ONE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

WHY DO YOU GET ANGRY?

WHY DO I GET ANGRY?

LOOK, SUPPOSE I SAID TO YOU

I SPENT A LOT OF TIME STOOBULATING, WHAT WOULD YOU THINK?

I WOULD THINK THAT THAT SHOWS THAT YOU HAVE IMAGINATION.

YEAH? YES.

NOT ANYBODY CAN MAKE UP A WORD LIKE STUBULATING.

STOOBULATING. STOOBULATING.

AND THE FACT THAT YOU GET UPSET

WHEN--WHEN THERE ARE THINGS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND,

JUST SHOWS THAT YOU HAVE CURIOSITY.

YEAH?

YEAH, THAT'S A VERY GREAT ATTRIBUTE.

WATCH IT.

QUALITY.

OH!

HEY.

I REALLY DO LIKE TALKIN' TO YOU, YOU KNOW?

THANK YOU.

I BET...

IF WE HAD A GOOD CONVERSATION, SAY,

ONCE A DAY,

BET I COULD LEARN A HELL OF A LOT.

WELL, I'M SURE THERE ARE CERTAIN ASPECTS OF LIFE I COULD LEARN FROM YOU.

YOU BET YOUR ASS.

[Doris chomping]

L-LISTEN, DORIS, L-LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

(Doris) HOW DO YOU LIKE WASHINGTON?

WHAT?

WASHINGTON. YOU LIKE IT?

WELL, IT'S AN EXCITING TOWN,

BEING THE SEAT OF OUR GOVERNMENT--

WASHINGTON! DORIS WASHINGTON.

OH, THAT'S VERY NICE.

LISTEN, DORIS WASHINGTON, TELL ME SOMETHING.

(Doris) WHAT?

I CAN'T HELP BEING CURIOUS ABOUT...

NO, NEVER MIND.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. WHAT IS IT?

FORGET IT, REALLY. IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS ANYWAY.

I'LL TELL YOU IF IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. ASK ME. WHAT?

WELL, YOU, UH,

YOU-- YOU'VE BEEN WITH A GREAT MANY MEN, I SUPPOSE.

NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

I UNDERSTAND. YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT?

LOOK, I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN TO UPSET YOU.

WHO'S UPSET? AH, YOU THINK A DUMB THING LIKE THAT COULD UPSET ME?

WHAT ARE YOU SHRIEKING FOR?

I DON'T SHRIEK. I TALK LOUD, BUT I DON'T SHRIEK.

OK, OK.

IT'S NOT OK.

OH, CHRIST. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO GO AND ASK ME

A QUESTION LIKE THAT FOR, ANYWAY?

LET'S FORGET THE WHOLE THING.

I WAS CURIOUS, THAT'S ALL.

IT'S A PRETTY PECULIAR THING TO BE CURIOUS ABOUT, ISN'T IT?

I MEAN, HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF I ASKED YOU A QUESTION LIKE THAT?

I CERTAINLY WOULDN'T GET SO DEFENSIVE ABOUT IT.

THAT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE THE ANSWER WOULDN'T BE VERY INTERESTING, RIGHT?

YOU'RE MAKING THIS VERY PERSONAL.

HMM, I AM.

OH, JESUS, I-- I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO ASK YOU A PERSONAL QUESTION.

AFTER ALL, THE QUESTION YOU ASKED ME WASN'T PERSONAL!

TELL ME ABOUT THE 5,000 OR 6,000 GUYS YOU SLEPT WITH?

BUT DORIS, IN YOUR CASE--

IN MY CASE? OH, YEAH.

I'M THAT--THAT SPECIAL CASE, RIGHT.

AND I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT 5,000 OR 6,000 GUYS.

THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE THINKING!

[truck honking]

RIGHT?

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS.

IS THE TRUTH THAT DISTURBING?

WHAT TRUTH? WHAT TRUTH?

IF YOU'RE SO CONCERNED ABOUT THE TRUTH,

WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK ME WHAT YOU REALLY WANTED TO ASK ME?

AND WHAT IS THAT, PRAY TELL?

I'LL PRAY TELL YOU WHAT THAT IS.

WHAT YOU REALLY WANTED TO KNOW IS HOW YOU STOOD UP TO THE COMPETITION.

HOW YOU RATED.

YOU WANTED TO KNOW IF YOU PASSED THE COURSE, RIGHT?

IF YOU SAY SO, TEACHER. I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU WERE GIVING LESSONS.

YEAH, WELL ORDINARILY I DON'T HANDLE BEGINNERS.

NO, I IMAGINE A PRO LIKE YOU WOULDN'T.

AND I KNOW WHAT YOUR NEXT QUESTION WOULD HAVE BEEN, TOO.

BECAUSE IT'S THE SAME DUMB QUESTION THAT EVERY TRICK ASKS.

YOUR NEXT QUESTION WOULD HAVE BEEN, UM, UH,

DID YOU REALLY LIKE THAT? I MEAN, UH, DID YOU ACTUALLY GET A THRILL AND ALL,

AFTER ALL THE TIMES YOU'VE DONE IT?

I MEAN, A PIECE OF WOOD LIKE YOU, A--A THING LIKE YOU?

YOU REALLY COULDN'T ENJOY DOING IT WITH AN HONEST, CLEAN-LIVING,

UPRIGHT, HOTSHOT CITIZEN LIKE ME! RIGHT?

WHY DON'T I KNOW BETTER?

HOW COME I NEVER LEARN?

I--I'M NOT GONNA BE TREATED LIKE A THING. I AM A REAL PERSON.

I AM A PERSON NAMED DORIS WILGUS.

WILGUS?

[sighs deeply]

AND YOU CAN TAKE YOUR BEADY EYES OFF ME WHILE I TELL YOU SOMETHING.

LAST NIGHT--LAST NIGHT I THOUGHT

SOMETHING REAL NICE WAS HAPPENING.

I MEAN, YOU--YOU REALLY SEEMED TO BE A NICE GUY AND ALL.

BUT I'LL TELL YA-- I'LL TELL YA, I FALL IN LOVE ALL THE TIME.

ALL THE TIME, YA HEAR? SO IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

BUT, UH, YOU WERE VERY NICE THERE FOR A WHILE, YOU SAID SOME REAL SWELL THINGS.

SO I GUESS ALL IT GOES TO PROVE

IS THAT YOU'RE A BETTER ACTOR THAN I AM. I MEAN "ACTRESS."

WELL, YOU'D KNOW MORE ABOUT THAT THAN I WOULD

SINCE MOST OF YOUR ACTING HAS BEEN DONE IN BED.

AFTER ALL, MR. SHERMAN, SOMEONE'S GOTTA LOOK LIKE THEY KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING.

SORRY IF I DIDN'T MEASURE UP TO YOUR HIGH STANDARDS.

DO I GET GRADED ON A SCALE OF 10?

SURE, IF YOU ACCEPT FRACTIONS.

LISTEN, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED?

I'M NOT INTERESTED IN WHAT YOU THINK I NEED.

YOU NEED THE SERVICES OF A COMPETENT PSYCHIATRIST, WHO MIGHT,

IF HE HAS UNLIMITED TIME, BE ABLE TO ASSEMBLE THE PIECES OF YOUR JUMBLED MIND.

BULLSHIT!

OH, THAT'S A TECHNICAL TERM YOU PICKED UP

IN THE THEATRICAL PROFESSION, NO DOUBT.

LISTEN, MR. KNOW-IT-ALL- FROM-READING-A-LOT-OF-BOOKS, I DID MY TIME ON THE COUCH.

WELL, IF A BED ISN'T HANDY... HA, HA. VERY FUNNY.

ANYWAY, THAT SHRINK WAS JUST LIKE YOU. ALL TALK AND NO ACTION.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID?

HE SAID, "DORIS, DO WHAT YOU WANT, AS LONG AS IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU UNHAPPY."

SO I DID. I DIDN'T PAY MY BILL.

DIDN'T MAKE ME UNHAPPY AT ALL, BUT IT SURE MADE HIM MAD AS HELL.

WHY DIDN'T YOU LET HIM TAKE IT OUT IN TRADE?

GIVE ME A DOLLAR, PLEASE.

IF YOU CAN MANAGE IT.

JUST SO I CAN GET A CAB SOMEWHERE.

WHERE DO I SEND IT? FORGET IT.

IF YOU WERE A MILLIONAIRE, I WOULDN'T FORGET IT. YOU WORKED FOR IT.

WHICH IS MORE THAN YOU DID.

IF YOU PUT IN A FULL DAY, YOU CAN EARN 9 OR 10 MORE.

I'LL JUST COME BACK HERE. YOUR FRIEND BARNEY'LL TELL ME.

SEND IT TO DOUBLEDAY'S. 53RD AND 5TH.

IS THAT WHERE YOU WORK?

IN DOUBLEDAY'S?

IN A BOOK STORE?

WHAT ARE YOU, A CLERK?

HUH?

HEY, GET A LOAD OF THAT!

THE BIG-TIME WRITER IS A BOOK CLERK.

OH, CHRIST, THAT MAKES ME HAPPY.

I'M GLAD SOMETHING CAN SATISFY YOU.

HAPPY BOOKSELLING, MR. SHERMAN.

HAPPY STREETWALKING, MISS WHATEVER-YOUR-NAME-IS.

MAYBE I'LL, UM,

I'LL COME INTO THE STORE SOMETIME, AND UH,

TAKE A LOOK AT THE 2-BIT BOOK PEDDLER

WHO PRETENDS TO BE A WRITER, BUT WHO NEVER WILL BE.

HOW WOULD YOU KNOW? FIRST YOU HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO READ.

I'LL TELL YOU HOW I KNOW.

I KNOW THAT YOU WILL NEVER BE A WRITER

NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU PRETEND, MR. SHERMAN,

BECAUSE GODDAMN IT,

THE SUN DOES NOT SPIT!

*[music playing]

[announcer chattering on T.V.]

(announcer) ...THE 38-YARD LINE!

WHAT A BALL GAME!

3RD AND 7. JONES TO PASS!

[crowd roaring]

[announcer continues chattering]

[increasing volume]

(announcer) NOW, DO YOU EAT UP THE CLOCK

AND PLAY FOR A SURE FIELD GOAL,

OR DO YOU GO ALL-OUT FOR THE WINNING TOUCHDOWN?

THAT'S WHAT JONES IS DISCUSSING NOW.

(announcer) NOW THE CLOCK'S STOPPED WITH LESS THAN A MINUTE REMAINING.

HOW'D YOU LIKE TO BE IN THAT HUDDLE? WOLVES, TRAILING BY 3,

HAVE A FIRST DOWN AT THE 25--

[amplifier reverberating]

AAH! WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT, YOU FUCKING LUG, YA?

(announcer) ONE MORE TIME. MY, OH, MY, IT'S BEEN A DANDY.

[glass shatters]

[screaming]

* WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'

* WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE FOOLIN' *

* WHERE ARE YA GOIN'

* WHEN ALL THE FUNDS AIN'T GROWIN' *

* NO ONE IS WAITIN'

* FOR YOU TO FIND YOUR WAY

* MAKE YOUR OWN LIFE YOUR OWN WAY *

SCREW?

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

(Doris) MAYBE I'LL JUST ASK HIM FOR ONE DRESS.

AND I COULD EXPLAIN TO HIM HOW I'M AN ACTRESS,

AND HOW IT WOULD BE GOOD FOR HIS BUSINESS

FOR ME TO BE WEARING ONE OF HIS DRESSES,

AND HE'LL GIVE ME ONE ON CREDIT.

* YOU'VE BEEN ALONE FOR SO LONG *

* AND IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE

* YOU'LL BE ALONE JUST AS LONG *

* AS YOU FIND LOVE SO STRANGE *

* GET IT TOGETHER

* SEE WHAT YOU COULD SEE RIGHT NOW *

* YOU BETTER LOOK UP

* BE WHAT YOU COULD BE NOW *

I WONDER IF YOU COULD TELL ME--

WHAT, MISTER?

COULD YOU TELL ME WHAT TIME--

WHAT, MISTER?

WHAT TIME DOES CYCLE SLUTS GO ON?

WHAT, MISTER?

CYCLE SLUTS!

YES, YES.

I WANT TO SEE CYCLE SLUTS.

SLUTS NOW.

OVERCOAT? I DON'T HAVE ONE.

YOU WANT TO RENT ONE?

[motorcycle revving] (Doris on screen) OH, TERRIFIC!

[man on screen laughs]

IF YOU LET ME PUT SOME MONEY DOWN ON ONE OF THE DRESSES--

I DIDN'T COME DOWN HERE TO SELL NO DRESS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF CRAZY STUNT YOU'RE TRYING TO PULL,

BUT IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR TROUBLE, THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE GONNA FIND.

RELAX, RELAX. DON'T GET SO TWITCHY.

[sighing]

WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING NOW?

I THINK I'M GONNA GO IN HERE FOR A SECOND.

OK?

OK, BUT I--

I'LL GIVE YOU 30 SECONDS TO GET OUT OF THERE.

I MEAN, IT'S GETTING LATE, YOU KNOW?

AND I'VE REALLY GOTTA GET HOME,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? ME TOO.

YOU'RE A VERY NEAT PERSON, AREN'T YOU?

OH.

YEAH, WELL, I HAPPEN TO BELIEVE A MAN'S CLOTHES ARE HIS MOST VALUABLE POSSESSION.

(Doris) OH, BOY.

(man on screen) BRING HER IN HERE.

(Doris on screen) NO, NO.

YEAH, TO THE ROOM.

NO, NOT TO THE ROOM!

DON'T TRY THAT, YOU DIRTY LITTLE SLUT.

YOU WANT SOME OF THIS?

NO, NO. I BEG OF YOU.

HOLD HER WHILE I OPEN THE DOOR TO THE ROOM.

NO, NO, PLEASE!

YOU'LL STAY IN THERE UNTIL YOU LEARN SOME DISCIPLINE.

[panting] (Doris) OHH!

[door creaking]

(Doris) WHAT--WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WH-WH-WHAT'S THAT FOR?

WHAT--WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH THAT?

WHAT-WHAT'S THAT THING?

AND WHAT'S THAT OTHER THING?

[man groaning]

WHERE DO YOU PLAN TO PUT THAT?

WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE! HOLD IT! YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

[Doris screaming] NO, NOT WITH BOTH OF THEM!

[man moans]

YOU CAN'T, I TELL YOU.

YOU CAN'T! YOU CAN'T-- CAN YOU?

OH! MAYBE YOU CAN.

OH, MY GOD, YOU COULD.

[man laughs]

[toilet flushing]

I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.

WHAT?

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU'RE GONNA TAKE THIS, BUT, I MEAN,

I THINK YOU GOT A RIGHT TO KNOW.

KNOW WHAT?

I JUST FLUSHED YOUR PANTS DOWN THE TOILET.

[crying childishly]

WE CLOSE IN 5 MINUTES.

CAN I--CAN I HELP YOU FIND SOMETHING?

ARE YOU SURE I CAN'T HELP YOU?

WE CLOSE IN 4 MINUTES.

I'M ELEANOR.

I SEE.

DON'T MEAN MUCH TO YOU, DOES IT? NOT A GREAT DEAL, NO.

YEAH, WELL I DON'T THINK TOO MUCH OF YOU, EITHER.

I MEAN, TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST,

I DON'T EVEN BEGIN TO FIGURE WHAT SHE SEES IN YOU.

ELEANOR, I CERTAINLY APPRECIATE YOUR HONESTY BUT--

I THINK YOU'RE A DUMP.

A WHAT? A DUMP.

AFTER THE WAY YOU TREATED HER.

NOW WAIT A MINUTE, AFTER THE WAY I TREATED WHOM? WHO IS HER?

DORIS. DORIS?

I DON'T KNOW ANY... OH, DORIS.

AH. I GET IT. DORIS.

WELL, LOOK, ELEANOR, YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG DUMP.

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY.

WELL, THIS TIME, THEY'RE ALL TELLING THE TRUTH.

YOU WANT FELIX.

YOU'RE NOT FELIX? MMM-MMM.

YEAH, DOWNSTAIRS--

LISTEN, THEY SAID DOWNSTAIRS THAT FELIX WAS UP HERE.

WELL HE IS.

THAT'S FELIX?

DISAPPOINTING, ISN'T IT?

WHEW. WHAT'S HE, SLEEPING?

UH, NO. HE'S DEAD. AH, COME ON.

NO, HE PASSED AWAY ABOUT 2 WEEKS AGO,

AH, BUT THE FOLKS HERE AT THE STORE WERE SO FOND OF HIM

THAT WE ALL GOT TOGETHER AND WE DECIDED TO HAVE HIM STUFFED.

HELL OF A GOOD JOB, DON'T YOU THINK?

AH, CUT THE CRAP.

OH!

FELIX SHERMAN?

I THINK SO.

WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS?

NOT MUCH, THE WAY I HEARD IT.

YOU'RE NOT--

A-ARE YOU...

I'M ELEANOR.

ELEANOR. YOU'RE ELEANOR.

BARNEY, THIS IS ELEANOR.

DON'T TOUCH ME. I GOT A CONDITION.

WHERE'S--WHERE'S DORIS, ELEANOR?

ALL RIGHT, I GOT THIS MESSAGE FOR YOU.

DORIS DOES NOT WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

THAT'S WHY I CAME INSTEAD.

SHE TOLD ME TO TELL YOU

THAT SHE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU AGAIN,

AND, UH, OR ANYTHING.

EVEN IF YOU SHOULD SEE HER ON THE STREET,

OR IN A STORE BY ACCIDENT,

UH, INCLUDING

WHERE SHE IS RIGHT THIS MINUTE,

WHICH IS, UM,

WHICH IS HAVING A HAM SANDWICH

AT RIKER'S, ON THE CORNER OF 6TH AVENUE AND 57TH STREET.

VERY GOOD. YOU GOT IT ALL OUT.

YOU RAN ALL THE WAY, HUH?

I--I WAS WONDERING-- LISTEN, I--

WHAT--WHAT WERE YOU GONNA SAY?

NO, NO, NO, YOU GO AHEAD.

I WAS WONDERING WHERE YOU'VE BEEN STAYING THIS PAST WEEK.

YEAH? THAT'S WHAT I WAS GOING TO ASK YOU.

ARE YOU-- ARE YOU STILL AT, UM, BARNEY'S PLACE?

NO, I'VE-- I'VE RELOCATED TEMPORARILY.

SAME HERE.

I'VE BEEN STAYING WITH MY FRIEND ELEANOR.

SHE'S GOT THIS PLACE DOWN ON 14TH STREET.

SHE SEEMS, UH,

AGREEABLE. YEAH, YEAH.

DORIS, I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO YOU,

AND IT CONCERNS BOTH OF US.

(woman) WHOO-WHOO.

AND IF IT'S NOT--

WHO WAS THAT?

GOT ME.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? SHE SAID HELLO TO YOU.

NO, SHE DIDN'T. SHE SAID, "WHOO-WHOO."

ARE TOTAL STRANGERS IN THE HABIT OF SAYING, "WHOO-WHOO" TO YOU?

NOT UNTIL TONIGHT.

[clears throat]

NOW, LOOK, DORIS--

YOU REALLY LOOK LOUSY, YOU KNOW?

I DO?

YEAH, LIKE YOU HAVEN'T BEEN SLEEPING TOO MUCH.

ACTUALLY, I HAVEN'T BEEN SLEEPING TOO WELL.

HAVE YOU TRIED HOT BATHS?

YES, I HAVE. I FIND HOT BATHS TOO ENERVATING.

ENERVATING, HUH?

HEY, I MADE YOU LAUGH. THAT'S ONE FOR ME.

DORIS, I WANT YOU TO TRY AND UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M GOING TO SAY.

I HAVE STRUGGLED FOR 31 YEARS TO ESTABLISH--

IS THAT HOW OLD YOU ARE? 31? YES.

I HAVE TRIED TO ESTABLISH THE SUPREMACY

OF THE INTELLECT OVER THE PHYSICAL SIDE OF LIFE.

YOU MEAN TO TELL ME

THAT YOU RAN ALL THE WAY TO RIKER'S JUST TO TELL ME THAT?

I DIDN'T RUN ALL THE WAY. I JOGGED.

YOU COULD HAVE SENT ME A LETTER.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOUR ADDRESS!

YOU COULD HAVE GIVEN IT TO ELEANOR.

I WANTED TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

I WANTED TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE OTHER NIGHT.

NO, NO, THAT WAS ALL MY FAULT.

I SHOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN SO MAD. I GOT A TERRIBLE TEMPER.

YOU WERE PERFECTLY JUSTIFIED.

I HAD NO RIGHT IN--IN--IN ASKING CERTAIN QUESTIONS--

SURE YOU DID, SURE YOU DID. YOU'RE A WRITER, AREN'T YOU?

I MEAN, A WRITER'S GOT TO FIND OUT STUFF.

AND IF YOU DON'T, YOU KNOW, ASK QUESTIONS,

HOW ARE YOU GOING TO ASSIMILATE?

WHAT?

I SAID,

"IF YOU DON'T ASK QUESTIONS,

HOW ARE YOU GOING TO ASSIMILATE?"

ASSIMILATE?

NOT BAD, EH?

"YOU AND YOUR VOCABULARY."

I GOT IT AT THE CORNER APOTHECARY.

THE CORNER APOTHECARY.

PRETTY IMPECCABLE, HUH?

IT'S VERY IMPRESSIVE.

I TRY AND LEARN-- I MEAN, NO, I TRY AND--

AND ASSIMILATE 5 NEW WORDS A DAY.

AND THAT WAY, I FIGURE

PRETTY SOON I'LL BE ABLE TO TALK AS GOOD AS YOU.

WOULDN'T THAT BE SOMETHING?

IT WOULD BE WONDERFUL.

IT'S--IT'S ALWAYS AN ADVANTAGE

TO--TO BE ABLE TO EXPRESS YOURSELF CLEARLY.

[horn honking]

(man) HEY, LADY! WANNA GO FOR A RIDE?

[whistling]

AND I--I THINK IT WOULD BE GOOD FOR ME AS AN ACTRESS TOO.

DON'T YOU THINK? RIGHT?

YES. LANGUAGE IS, UH--

HEY, BABY, WHAT DO YOU SAY, HUH?

LANGUAGE IS ONE OF THE PRIMARY TOOLS OF THE--THE ACTOR'S ART.

GET RID OF THE 4-EYED FREAK, AND WE'LL SHOW YOU SOME ACTION.

[whistling]

I--I--I COULD DO THINGS I COULDN'T DO BEFORE,

BECAUSE I--I WASN'T ABLE TO EXPRESS MYSELF SUSSINTLY. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

SUCCINCTLY. SUCCINCTLY, YEAH.

YES, REMEMBER THAT LANGUAGE IS POWER.

I WILL. I WILL. I'LL REMEMBER THAT.

(man) HEY, SWEETHEART, WE GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU.

WOULD YOU--WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT?

[men hooting]

JUMP IN. COME ON.

I--I BEG YOUR PARDON, BOYS, BUT, UM,

YOU ARE INTRUDING ON MY PRIVACY.

FELIX! COME ON.

[screaming]

(Doris) JESUS, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE ARE SO TOUCHY THESE DAYS.

YOU GOTTA WATCH EVERY WORD.

[dog barks]

DORIS, WHAT IS IT ABOUT YOU? HOW DO YOU MEAN?

IS YOUR LIFE ALWAYS SO--SO VOLATILE?

WHO? VOLATILE.

VOLATILE.

VOL...

VOL-A-TILE.

HERE IT IS, HERE IT IS. "EXPLOSIVE--EXPLOSIVE, FILLED WITH ENERGY."

YEAH, I GUESS SO. I GUESS IT'S BECAUSE I'M REAL TEMPERAMENTAL, YOU KNOW?

AND IT GETS ME INTO TROUBLE. LIKE, UM,

ONE TIME I HAD THIS TERRIFIC FIGHT WITH THIS GUY

'CAUSE HE WOULDN'T PAY ME WHAT HE AGREED ON, SO--

PAY YOU? IT'S NOT--IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

ANYWAY, I GRABBED HIM BY HIS SMOCK, AND-- SMOCK?

YEAH. I WAS READY TO GIVE HIM HIS-- WHY WAS HE WEARING A SMOCK?

HE DIDN'T WANT TO GET HIS SUIT MESSED UP WHEN HE WAS LAYING ON THE FLOOR.

ANYWAY, I WANT TO TELL YOU-- WHY WAS HE LAYING ON THE FLOOR?

SO HE COULD AIM BETTER, SEE? SO ANYWAY, I GRABBED HIM--

HOLD IT, HOLD IT! WHAT WAS HE AIMING AT?

AT ME, WHAT DO YOU THINK? I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU.

DORIS, I'M GETTING VERY UPSET.

OK, ALL RIGHT!

OH, MY GOD. WILL YOU LET GO?

OUCH! JESUS, YOU GOT VERY STRONG HANDS FOR A GUY WITH SUCH THIN WRISTS.

NOW, START AT THE BEGINNING AND GO STEP BY STEP.

IT'S NOT THAT INTERESTING, I'M TELLING YOU.

I'LL BE THE JUDGE OF THAT.

WELL, THIS GUY, YOU KNOW, SOME KIND OF BUSINESSMAN,

ABOUT 50 YEARS OLD,

WITH THIS BIG OFFICE ON MADISON AVENUE

THAT'S GOT THIS LONG HALLWAY WITH A MARBLE FLOOR.

AND?

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, HE GIVES ME $50

TO SIT IN A CHAIR AT THE OTHER END OF THE HALL.

JUST TO SIT IN A CHAIR?

YEAH, IN MY RAINCOAT.

YOU JUST SAT THERE IN A CHAIR IN YOUR RAINCOAT?

YES, YES. WITH MY HANDS TIED BEHIND ME, YES.

I SEE.

AND--AND WHAT WAS HE DOING?

HE-HE WAS IN HIS END OF THE HALL

ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES IN HIS SMOCK!

AND?

AND--AND I JUST HAVE TO YELL "BOMBS AWAY"

WHILE HE ROLLED HARD-BOILED EGGS AT ME.

SAY THAT AGAIN?

I SAID, "I--I--I HAVE TO YELL 'BOMBS AWAY'

WHILE HE ROLLED HARD-BOILED EGGS AT ME!"

HE ROLLED EGGS AT YOU?

HARD-BOILED. I TOLD YOU IT WASN'T MUCH.

DORIS, THAT'S DISGUSTING!

WHY? WHY?

BECAUSE IT'S...

I--I CAN'T FIND THE WORD. IT'S--IT'S--

[hyperventilating]

[Felix groans]

[running up stairs]

HEY, WHERE ARE WE, ANYWAY?

HEY, WHERE ARE WE?

WHO LIVES HERE?

WHAT IS--WHAT IS THIS PLACE, HUH? WHOSE PLACE IS THIS?

THIS IS THE HOUSE OF MR. AND MRS. WEYDERHAUS.

THEY ARE, RESPECTIVELY, THE FATHER AND MOTHER OF MS. ANN WEYDERHAUS.

MS. WEYDERHAUS IS A, UH, CONCERT PIANIST.

SHE IS ALSO MY FIANCEE.

YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED?

WE WENT TO SCHOOL TOGETHER.

WE DECIDED WE'D BE MARRIED

AS SOON AS I SOLD MY FIRST NOVEL.

WHEN'S THAT?

AT THE RATE I'M GOING, SOMETIME LATE IN THE NEXT CENTURY.

AW, WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?

WHO AM I TO ARGUE WITH EVERY PUBLISHER IN NEW YORK?

AW, HELL, FELIX, WHAT DO THEY KNOW?

SOMETHING I DON'T, APPARENTLY.

HEY, YOU'RE AWFUL HOT, YOU KNOW THAT? HOW DO YOU FEEL?

I THINK MY HAIR IS ON FIRE.

COME ON. YOU'VE GOT TO GO TO BED.

FELIX IS A BAD BOY. FELIX HAS TO GO TO BED NOW.

OH, DON'T TALK WEIRD. IT SCARES ME.

FELIX IS A WEIRD BOY. HE SCARES PEOPLE.

KNOCK IT OFF, WILL YOU? YOU DO THIS, AND I'LL GET YOUR SHOES.

[gasps]

I'LL TELL YOU THE TROUBLE WITH FELIX.

FELIX WENT TO A GOOD COLLEGE

AND HE TOOK A LOT OF FINE COURSES

IN--IN MODERN LITERATURE AND HE LEARNED A LOT OF LONG WORDS.

BUT HE DIDN'T LEARN ANYTHING, REPEAT, DID NOT LEARN ANYTHING

ABOUT ROLLING HARD-BOILED EGGS!

JUST SHUT UP ABOUT THAT!

FELIX IS REGRESSING. HE'S FORGOTTEN HOW TO DO BUTTONS.

HERE, LIFT YOUR LEGS.

FELIX WILL NOW LIFT HIS LEGS.

HEY. IS THERE A--A THERMOMETER AROUND HERE?

UH, BATHROOM? POINT!

HEY, ARE THE WEYDERHAUSES RICH?

LOADED.

OPEN.

CLOSE.

THIS HER? HMM?

THIS MS. WEYDERHAUS?

MMM-HMM.

SHE LOOKS PARTIALLY ATTRACTIVE.

I MEAN, I CAN ONLY SEE, UM, PART OF HER FACE,

BUT I GUESS SHE PLAYS PRETTY GOOD, HUH?

SHE'S MAKING DEBUT WITH BOSTON SYMPHONY LAST NIGHT.

THAT WHERE THE FAMILY IS?

MMM-HMM.

HOW IS SHE IN BED?

I SAID, HOW IS SHE IN BED?

THAT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

NO GOOD, HUH?

THIS MAY BE DIFFICULT FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND,

BUT OUR RELATIONSHIP IS NOT BASED ON THAT.

WHAT'S IT BASED ON?

A MUTUAL APPRECIATION OF CERTAIN THINGS.

THE ARTS. LITERATURE.

SHE DOESN'T EVEN WANT TO?

MUSIC IS HER WHOLE LIFE.

SWELL. WHERE'RE YOU GONNA HONEYMOON, SAM GOODY'S?

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

THEY ARE VERY FINE PEOPLE, THE WEYDERHAUSES.

THEY HAVE A VERY SINCERE AND OLD-FASHIONED MORAL OUTLOOK.

YEAH, I KNOW THE TYPE.

I DON'T THINK YOU DO.

YOU'RE NOT NORMAL.

JUST WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?

LOOK, 94.

YOU GOTTA GO TO BED.

[sobbing]

MY BODY HATES ME. COME ON.

IN YOU GO.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

LIGHT A FIRE.

[sighs]

WHAT HAPPENS IF MY TEMPERATURE KEEPS GOING DOWN?

DON'T WORRY. I'LL GET AN ICE PICK.

[whimpering] EGGS!

WHAT?

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

WHAT DOES WHAT MEAN?

[match lighting]

WHAT DID YOU THINK ABOUT WHEN HE WAS ROLLING THE EGGS AT YOU?

I THOUGHT ABOUT THE $50 I WAS GONNA GET.

SAME THING I THOUGHT ABOUT WHEN I DID THAT COFFIN BIT.

WHAT, I AM HORRIFIED TO ASK, IS THE "COFFIN BIT"?

WELL, UM,

SEE, I WALK INTO THIS ROOM,

AND TURN THE LIGHTS ON,

AND, UH, THERE'S THIS GUY LYING IN A COFFIN, YOU KNOW.

HANDS FOLDED, FACE ALL MADE UP.

TOTAL CORPSE TIME, SEE?

AND I WALK OVER TO HIM,

AND SUDDENLY HE OPENS HIS EYES AND HE SAYS, "GOOD EVENING."

AND I, UM, LET OUT A SCREAM AND...

THAT'S IT!

$50!

OR ELSE, THERE'S THIS OTHER GUY THAT WANTS ME

TO WRAP HIM UP IN CELLOPHANE AND CRINKLE HIM.

THEN THERE'S ONE THAT, UM,

LIKES ME TO WATCH HIM THROUGH A KEYHOLE

WHILE HE EATS A CUCUMBER.

THEN THERE'S THIS GUY WHO TAKES POLAROID SHOTS OF ME

WHILE I'M LYING ON A TABLE, AND THIS PARAKEET'S WALKING AROUND ON MY BACK.

[whispers] DORIS?

YOU'RE A SEXUAL DISNEYLAND.

WELL, IT TAKES ALL KINDS.

I'M GOING TO L.A. WHAT?

I'M GOING TO CALIFORNIA.

WHY?

WELL, I HAVEN'T BEEN DOING TOO GOOD HERE, YOU KNOW?

AND THAT'S WHERE ACTRESSES SHOULD GO,

'CAUSE THAT'S WHERE ALL THE WORK IS.

JUST LIKE YOU GOTTA STAY HERE, 'CAUSE YOU'RE A WRITER.

WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH STAYING HERE?

THE CITY IS WHAT YOU WRITE ABOUT, ISN'T IT?

LIKE IN YOUR STORY SCREAM?

I REMEMBER HOW MUCH YOU LIKED IT.

I KNOW.

NO, I--I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT.

SEE, I DIDN'T GET IT AT FIRST, YOU KNOW?

LIKE ABOUT THE SUN "SPITTING MORNING"?

BUT I COULD... I REALLY SEE IT NOW.

YOU CAN?

OH, YEAH. SURE.

SEE, THE SUN,

LIKE A BIG FACE--

HERE IT COMES, HERE IT COMES,

REAL SLOW

OVER THE EDGE OF THE WORLD

AND IT LOOKS OUT OVER THE CITY

AND IT GOES...

[spitting]

SEE WHAT I MEAN?

WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?

I'M NOT SURE.

WELL, WOULD YOU MIND DOING IT AGAIN?

I WASN'T READY THE FIRST TIME.

IT DOESN'T BUCKLE, IT SNAPS.

LISTEN, FELIX,

MAYBE YOU SHOULD TAKE IT EASY.

GET YOUR TEMPERATURE UP.

(Felix) IT'S GOING UP.

I CAN FEEL IT.

YEAH, BUT YOU'RE EXHAUSTED, REMEMBER?

PARTS OF ME ARE WIDE AWAKE.

(Doris) THIS COULD BE VERY DANGEROUS.

A PERSON AS SICK AS YOU.

I'M GONNA STOP ANY MINUTE NOW.

YOU DO, AND I'LL KILL YOU.

*[piano playing]

DO YOU THINK SHE'S PRETTY?

MS. WEYDERHAUS, THE CONCERT PIANIST.

[sighs]

*[playing off-key]

DOES SHE HAVE A NICE BODY?

SHE'S VERY DELICATE.

OH, YEAH?

SHE'S EXTREMELY FRAGILE.

SHE GOT A STICKER ON HER THAT SAYS, "THIS END UP"?

NOT FUNNY.

YOU THINK I'M PRETTY?

YES.

I'M NOT REALLY. I JUST MAKE YOU THINK I AM.

HOW DO YOU DO THAT?

IT'S A TRICK.

IT-IT'S, UH, IT'S HARD TO EXPLAIN.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

WELL,

UH,

IT--IT'S KIND OF LIKE ACTING, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, Y-YOU GOTTA ACT PRETTY.

I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT I MEAN.

WATCH THIS.

NOW I LOOK PRETTY, RIGHT?

RIGHT.

NOW, WATCH THIS.

OH, THAT'S AMAZING.

THAT'S 2 COMPLETELY DIFFERENT GIRLS.

YOU'RE PUTTING ME ON.

NO, I MEAN IT! IT'S FANTASTIC.

[giggling]

WH-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

MMM, I'M GONNA MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD.

I KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

IT'S GONNA PUT YOU IN A VERY GOOD MOOD.

I DON'T--I DON'T WANT TO BE A PARTY TO THIS.

OH, DON'T BE SUCH A TIGHT-ASS.

I AM NOT A TIGHT-ASS.

I--I--I MERELY BELIEVE THAT THERE ARE--ARE CERTAIN LIMITS.

I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL.

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

LISTEN, A COUPLE OF HITS ON THIS,

AND I...

[whispering]

OF COURSE, IF YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED--

GIVE ME THAT. JUST GIVE ME.

THIS IS JUST--JUST TO DEMONSTRATE

THAT I HAVE A CERTAIN FREEDOM OF CHOICE,

THAT I AM NOT A SQUARE PERSON,

AND I AM, IF I WISH TO BE, PERFECTLY HEP.

MMM-HMM. I'M HIP, YOU'RE HEP.

[inhales deeply]

HOW DO YOU FEEL?

HOW COME YOU AND MS. WEYDERHAUS DON'T MESS AROUND?

I TOLD YOU!

[chuckles]

HEY. HMM?

HOW COME YOU AND MS. WEYDERHAUS DON'T MESS AROUND?

I TOLD YOU.

[giggling] OH, BECAUSE SHE'S FRAGILE?

YEAH, SHE'S FRAGILE, RIGHT?

NO, SHE'S WORRIED-- SHE'S WORRIED ABOUT HER HANDS. SHE HAS...

SHE DOESN'T WANT TO HURT HER HANDS.

SHE COULD WEAR BOXING GLOVES.

THEY'RE VERY BEAUTIFUL, HER HANDS.

SHE OILS THEM.

SHE OILS THEM?

LIKE THE TIN WOODSMAN?

EXACTLY. TO KEEP THEM SUPPLE.

SHE'S AN EXTRAORDINARY HUMAN BEING.

SHE SOUNDS LIKE A DRAG.

YES, SHE DOES.

[door slams]

IS THAT A DOOR?

I THINK THAT WAS A DOOR.

DID, UH, SOMEBODY COME IN?

UNLESS ONE OF US WENT OUT.

(Mrs. Weyderhaus) FELIX?

THAT IS A DEFINITE PERSON.

CORRECT.

(Mrs. Weyderhaus) FELIX, ARE YOU THERE?

YOU ARE ABOUT TO MEET MRS. WEYDERHAUS.

(Ms. Weyderhaus) MOTHER, IS FELIX HERE?

AND MS. WEYDERHAUS.

(Mrs. Weyderhaus) HIS CLOTHES ARE ALL AROUND.

COULDN'T WE PUT IT OFF FOR A WHILE?

[knocking on door]

(Mrs. Weyderhaus) ANYONE IN THERE?

THEY'RE REALLY VERY UNDERSTANDING. JUST BE YOURSELF.

(Mrs. Weyderhaus) ANYBODY THERE? I DON'T HAVE MUCH CHOICE.

[gasps]

(Felix) MRS. WEYDERHAUS. THIS IS DORIS WELLINGTON,

A FRIEND OF MINE.

HI, MRS. WEYDERHAUS.

MOTHER, MY BED IS BROKEN, AND--

[gasps]

ANN WEYDERHAUS, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET DORIS WASHINGTON.

HELLO, MS. WEYDERHAUS. I'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT YOU

FROM FELIX HERE.

(Mr. Weyderhaus) WHAT'S GOING ON? WELL, WHAT'S UP IN THERE?

(Felix) MR. WEYDERHAUS.

(Felix) ALLOW ME TO--

DORIS! DORIS?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? DORIS?

DORIS?

JESUS CHRIST!

THAT'S "BOMBS AWAY"!

THAT'S THE GUY WITH THE SMOCK.

YOU KNOW--YOU KNOW, WITH THE HARD-BOILED EGGS!

[Felix and Doris laugh]

[shrieks]

(Doris) WHERE ARE YOU RUSHING?

JESUS, YOU WALK SO FAST!

WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?

I DON'T KNOW.

PLEASE STOP FOLLOWING ME. I'M NOT FOLLOWING YOU.

I JUST HAPPEN TO BE GOING IN THE SAME DIRECTION YOU ARE,

BUT YOU'RE GOING FASTER THAN I AM.

DORIS, I WANT TO BE ALONE NOW.

WILL YOU PLEASE LET ME EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO YOU?

WHAT IS IT?

YOU'RE JUST DEPRESSED NOW

BECAUSE Y-Y-YOU'RE NOT USED TO SMOKING GRASS.

YES, DOCTOR?

AND YOU GOT VERY HIGH, AND NOW YOU'VE COME DOWN REAL HARD.

THAT COULD BE VERY DEPRESSING. SEE WHAT I MEAN?

LISTEN, THE FIRST TIME I GOT STONED,

I CAME DOWN SO HARD I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE A HUMAN BEING.

I FELT LIKE SOME KIND OF COCKROACH OR SOMETHING.

KAFKA.

YEAH, LIKE A KAFKA.

YOU JUST NEVER KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN. YOU GOTTA BE CAREFUL.

I'M GOING TO BE CAREFUL FROM NOW ON.

I'M GONNA BE EXTRA-CAREFUL NOT TO BECOME INVOLVED IN ANYBODY'S LIFE.

IT'S NOT GOOD FOR THEM, AND IT'S NOT GOOD FOR ME.

WHAT ABOUT LAST NIGHT? WHAT ABOUT LAST NIGHT?

WHEN WE MADE LOVE, WASN'T THAT GOOD FOR YOU?

YOU'VE GOT YOUR TERMINOLOGY CONFUSED, DORIS. THAT WAS NOT MAKING LOVE.

WHATEVER IT WAS, IT BEAT THE HELL OUT OF DRYING THE DISHES.

WHAT WE DID WAS TO GET A FAST THRILL.

ONE TIME IS A FAST THRILL.

6 TIMES IS MAKING LOVE.

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT WE DID?

COME ON. I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT WE DID.

WHAT? FELIX.

COME ON, I'LL SHOW YOU SOMETHING. COME ON.

LOOK. LOOK OVER THERE.

[dogs yelping]

THAT'S WHAT WE DID.

WITH JUST AS LITTLE SENSE OR PURPOSE. NO.

OF COURSE, MAYBE THAT'S WHAT YOU AND I ARE ALL ABOUT.

MAYBE THAT'S WHAT WE'RE GOOD FOR.

WHAT?

BEING EACH OTHER'S PETS. WOULD YOU ENJOY THAT?

PEOPLE LOVE THEIR PETS.

YOU WANT TO BE MY PET, DORIS?

THAT'S NOT SUCH A BAD IDEA.

YOU COULD WEAR A NICE COLLAR AND SLEEP IN A CORNER IN A BOX.

OF COURSE, I'D HAVE TO LOCK YOU UP AT NIGHT IN THE BATHROOM.

WOULDN'T WANT YOU RUNNING AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

AND I COULD WASH YOU, AND BATHE YOU--

SAY, WE'VE ALREADY DONE THAT, HAVEN'T WE?

I KNOW. I COULD TEACH YOU SOME TRICKS. DON'T TALK LIKE THAT.

YOU COULD LEARN TO SIT UP, PLAY DEAD, ROLL OVER-- YOU'RE SCARING ME.

WHAT ABOUT RETRIEVING? THAT'S AN EASY ONE. RETRIEVING IS AN EASY ONE.

LET ME JUST... COME ON. LET ME JUST GET A STICK.

STOP IT! YEAH, HERE'S A STICK. OK?

STOP IT, FELIX. STICK, STICK. THERE'S THE STICK.

OK, OK! FETCH! FETCH! GO AHEAD, FETCH!

[panting]

THAT'S TOO TOUGH, HUH? IS THAT TOO TOUGH?

STOP IT! SOMETHING REAL SIMPLE. ALL RIGHT. COME ON.

GIVE ME YOUR PAW. GIVE ME YOUR PAW.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME.

I WANT YOU TO BE A GOOD LITTLE GIRL

AND GIVE DADDY YOUR PAW.

DON'T FORGET, I ASSIMILATED IMPECCABLE.

RIGHT. THAT WAS A GOOD TRICK. NOW I'M TRYING TO TEACH YOU ANOTHER ONE.

IF YOU CAN'T LEARN IT FROM ME,

I'M GONNA HAVE TO SEND YOU TO OBEDIENCE SCHOOL.

NOW GIVE ME YOUR PAW.

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

PETS DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS.

THEY DO WHAT THEY'RE TOLD. OTHERWISE THEY ARE GIVEN AWAY.

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?

DO YOU WANT ME TO GIVE YOU AWAY TO SOME POOR FAMILY WHO'LL BEAT YOU?

NOW, JUST DON'T STAND THERE LIKE A HUMAN BEING. GIVE ME YOUR PAW.

IF I DO, WILL YOU QUIT ACTING LIKE THIS?

WE MAKE NO DEALS WITH PETS HERE.

I'M WARNING YOU. THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE.

GIVE ME YOUR PAW.

[sniffles]

[children chattering]

[dogs barking]

[siren wailing]

[sniffles]

HEY, FELIX.

[dogs barking]

NAME'S NOT FELIX.

WHAT DID YOU SAY? I DIDN'T HEAR YOU.

MY NAME IS NOT FELIX.

I DON'T GET YOU.

MY NAME IS FRED.

THAT'S RIGHT. THE PERSON YOU ARE STARING AT IS NAMED FRED SHERMAN.

NOT FELIX. FRED.

SHORT FOR FREDERICK.

JUST LIKE WASHINGTON, WELLINGTON, WADSWORTH AND WAVERLY,

"FELIX" IS JUST ONE MORE POMPOUS, EMPTY NOTION,

ONE MORE HOPELESS PRETENSE.

"F" IS FOR FRED.

IT ALSO STANDS FOR

"FAKE"

AND "FRAUD"

AND-- PHONY?

AND "FAILURE." THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S WHAT IT REALLY STANDS FOR, THE GOOD OLD AMERICAN FAILURE STORY.

OH, FELIX-- FRED, GODDAMN IT.

GIVE ME A CHANCE, WILL YOU? I'M USED TO FELIX.

I CAN'T JUST ASSIMILATE FRED ALL OF A SUDDEN.

STOP USING WORDS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

USE WORDS THAT ARE INDIGENOUS TO YOUR BACKGROUND.

YOU STOP USING WORDS I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

THEN MAYBE I'LL UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO UNDERSTAND. UNDERSTAND?

WHERE'RE YOU GOING? HUH?

WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?

IT WAS EITHER HIM OR ME.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THAT WAS YOUR TYPEWRITER.

SON OF A BITCH WAS TRYING TO KILL ME.

WHO WAS? WHO WAS? WHAT'RE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT?

DON'T TURN AROUND. WHAT?

JUST STAND THERE. STAND THERE AND COUNT TO 50. UNDERSTAND?

ONE... I-I DON'T UNDER-- DO WHAT I SAY.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10,

11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20,

21, 22, 23, 24, 25--

JUST--JUST KEEP COUNTING.

26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31,

[inhales]

32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40,

41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48...

NOW LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY.

MY NAME IS FRED. FRED SHERMAN.

[sniffles]

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

DORIS.

DORIS WHAT?

DORIS WAVERLY.

I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T-- I DIDN'T--I DIDN'T HEAR THAT.

LET ME--LET ME ASK YOU AGAIN.

WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

DORIS.

YES?

WATCH IT.

YES? YES?

WILGUS? WILGUS!

WHAT A NICE NAME. IT'S--IT'S VERY REAL.

[chuckling] YEAH, IT'S THAT, ALL RIGHT.

UH, I WORK IN A BOOKSTORE. I'M A CLERK.

ACTUALLY, I'M IN LINE FOR THE ASSISTANT MANAGERSHIP.

NO KIDDING? YEAH. YEAH.

WELL, I WORK NIGHTS, AND, UH,

I THOUGHT I'D SPEND MY DAY LOOKING FOR AN APARTMENT.

GEE, THAT'S A COINCIDENCE. I DON'T LIVE ANYPLACE EITHER.

REALLY? WHAT DO YOU DO?

I'M A MODEL AND AN ACTRESS.

BUT I WAS FORMERLY A HOOKER.

BUT ALSO, I WAS IN 2 TELEVISION COMMERCIALS.

I THOUGHT YOU LOOKED FAMILIAR.

[giggles]

HEY, I'M VERY PLEASED TO ACTUALLY MEET YOU, MISS WILGUS.

VERY NICE TO MEET YOU, FRED.

[dogs barking]

(Doris) A-ACTUALLY,

THERE WAS ONLY ONE COMMERCIAL.

DO YOU STILL LOVE ME?

(Felix) WHO KNOWS?

WE MIGHT EVEN FIND A PLACE WITH A TELEVISION SET.

OH, I NEVER WATCH TELEVISION.

REALLY?

YEAH. IT'S TOO GODDAMN ENERVATING.

* JUST WANT TO MENTION IN PASSING *

* THERE'LL BE FOOD AND DRINK

* THERE'LL BE MOONLIGHT DANCING *

* IF YOU COULD SEE TO IT SOMEHOW *

* COULD YOU LEND YOUR PLACE

* OR A HOTEL ROOM NOW

* I WANT TO REMIND YOU, MIND YOU *

* NOW'S THE TIME YOU CAN CELEBRATE *

* I WANT TO IMPLORE YOU, FOR YOU *

* JUST CAN'T WAIT

* JUST WANT TO MENTION IN PASSING *

* THERE'S A BOAT THAT'S LEAVING HERE FOR ROMANCING *

* LET'S JUST LEAVE IT TO FATE, NOW *

* WE CAN ALL GO HOME

* TIME TO CELEBRATE