Original subtitles

Are you sure you don't want a coffee?

Aw, I do, but I'm switching to herbal tea.

I'm trying this new thing:

no caffeine, no sugar, no dairy,

no wine, no cheese, no joy.

But all it's really doing is just making me kinda...

Constipated? - Yeah!

Julie, toilet clogged this morning.

God I wish I could clog a toilet.

I'm so sorry, this cannot be about you right now.

My daughter flushed a rolled up pad, okay?

I plunged it.

Stuff came out, but it was all bloody.

Um, Kris-

You're not listening to me.

Saffron is hiding her period from me.

I have failed as a mother.

I got mine at school.

They're right behind me. - Yeah.

Sister Rita told me that God was punishing me.

I flipped all up and down my Bible

and still couldn't find it.

When I got my period, I was at my grandmother's house.

She told me not to stand near the fridge

'cause I would curdle the milk.

My mother never talked to me about it,

so my only reference was Carrie the movie,

which is a weird thing to watch when you're eight.

Got mine at field hockey.

Cost us the championship game

and a date with Manny McDonald.

I just, I don't want it to be that way for Saffron.

I just, I have to celebrate it.

You know, I don't wanna wrap it up

in some sort of shame burrito.

Hey, what's up?

You having a little gossiping sesh?

What am I missing? What's up?

Nothing. - Field hockey.

Nothing. - I can't poop.

Like burritos.

Well, it doesn't sound like you're talking about work.

Well, it's nothing that I would call HR about, so.

Yeah, that seminar was brutal.

Yeah, uh, we're just, uh, researching, Evan.

It's private.

It's private research.

Bye.

Oh, I have, yeah? I have to...

Oh my God, this milk curdled.

Did my hot flash do this?

Mmmhmm.

Maybe.

♪ I feel it, I feel it ♪

♪ I feel it, I feel it all ♪

♪ I feel it, I feel it all ♪

Okay, let's take it from the top.

Dear Saffron,

you had your period

and I wish you were able to tell me about it.

Hmm. "Dear Saffron" sounds a little formal.

Okay, you are not you right now, okay?

You're Saffron. Go again.

Hey, I got it. Hi Mom. Hi Saffron.

You started your period and you didn't tell me about it.

And I thought we were close, like the Gilmore girls

or Mary and Jesus, but in reverse,

like I would die for you.

Oh, I, I'm, I'm giving you gold over here.

Absolute gold.

And you aren't reacting.

I'm sorry. I'm just so miserable.

I'm trying to use diet

to control my hot flashes,

but it's not doing anything.

And my anxiety is through the roof,

possibly because the only thing I can eat

is flax seeds.

I am not a budgie.

Yeah, budgie's a useless bird.

And also,

something's going on with Pete.

What?

Well, normally in the morning

he gives me a kiss before he goes to work,

and then I get a text later to say that he loves me.

This morning? No kiss. No text.

I am emotionally and physically constipated.

Okay, we gotta get you moving.

We can do Miralax, Metamucil, a glycerin stick.

For my?

Yeah, the glycerin stick goes...

You put that right up there, everything's coming out

no problem. - Whoa.

Yeah, it's gonna get you moving.

Are we doing this or not? - Yes.

Okay. Because the sooner we solve your problems,

the sooner that we're gonna solve mine,

let's go, let's move. - Okay. All right.

You know what? I am just gonna take it all

and I'm gonna go out

in a blaze of glory one way or another.

Okay, the glycerin sticks,

they are the winner.

Although, you know what?

They have not stopped my bloating.

Period or no period,

I cannot get rid of this little guy.

You just can't win with periods, you know.

You're a kid and you want your period

and you get it and you think it's gonna be great,

and then it actually sucks.

And then menopause hits and you period goes away.

Which would be the greatest of all time,

except that your value in society

also seems to go away,

which is deeply unfair.

You know, I have been riding this white pony for 36 years

and I am so fucking tired of thinking about my period.

You gotta put that on a mug.

It'll be, it'll be a large mug.

Julia, look at this.

"Congrats Graduate", on what?

Oh, let me tell you, your period.

I'll put that right there for Saffron.

Do kids like cards?

Mine will.

Oh no, this is the one, this is the one. Look it.

Happy first what? Period!

You know your kid best.

You know what pairs well with a period card?

A bear, a stuffed bear.

Oh no. A little one. We're gonna get a large one. Yes.

How about this one? Also chocolates. Large box.

It's back there.

Hey, Chelsey and I wanna do a double episode this week.

You cool with that?

No, we don't have the budget.

Oh, Robyn, I need your help with something.

And it's really personal.

Evan, I'm not willing to look at any red marks

or flaking on your body again.

Please. My skin is flawless.

This is, um, about something else.

You have a lot of friends in the office and I wondered...

You know what?

How about we go downstairs and we get a coffee

and talk about it? - No, I'm good.

Why doesn't anyone want to hang out with me?

You're the boss.

Yeah, but you know, you see me as a,

as a friend.

We all used to chat.

No. I see you as a boss.

Well, how do I get people to see me as a, as a friend?

Maybe you could start by being nicer to people?

Okay, let's put a pin in that.

Oh, uh, at my old job,

we used to go to this dive bar down the street after work.

You know, we'd have beers and buffalo wings

and blooming onions.

We'd do karaoke every once in a while.

We could do something like that here.

Except a lot more sophisticated than what you just said.

Ouch.

A wine and cheese.

Artisanal cheddars from Quebec,

a Malbec from the Mendoza region.

Well, it seems like you got everything taken care of.

Can I go now? - No. No, you can't go. Hey.

'Cause we're gonna do this together, right?

Okay. But I want the double episode.

Oh, okay. Negotiation. I like it.

All right, I'll handle food and bev

and then you can handle everything else.

Deal.

And the theme...

the theme is going to be...

Farmhouse Chic.

Shut up! What?!

Could you do you have a, do you have a pen?

I know what I wanna say on Saffron's card.

Mmhmm. Yep. Right in here.

Look at you. Respect.

Oh my God, these all your condoms, Julie?

Wow.

Oh my God!

Oh my God-

They must be Pete's!

It explains everything.

He, he's been distant.

He doesn't wanna have sex.

I didn't get my kiss this morning.

He's having an affair!

Oh, stop it.

Don't jump to conclusions.

I got zero texts from him today!

- He's 100% cheating on you. - Oh.

What are you gonna do?

What are we gonna do? It's fine. Take a breath.

Hold my hand. We are going to...

I know, we are gonna track him down.

I track Pete how?

Well, I have a teenage daughter and ex-husband who cheated.

I am a pro. Gimme your phone.

Oh. Oh my God.

Oh, look, look, there he is.

West end, at the gym.

Shouldn't be at the gym right now.

Wow. You are good.

Okay, look, try and blend in, okay?

I'm wearing a blazer.

Do your best.

- There he is. Hide! - Okay.

Oh, hello. I am, I'm Kris.

Nice to meet you.

Oh my God, Julie, is that, is that him?

Yeah, tall guy with a water bottle.

Ooh, we Ms. Paul girl. Nice. Paul.

I knew he was getting fit,

but why wouldn't he tell me he was going to the gym?

Yeah, you know what? Secrets suck.

Are you going?

Hey listen, you find me on Instagram.

It's Kris with a K.

What am I doing?

I'm planking in business casual.

This is actually insane.

I am insane right now.

He's not having an affair,

he's just working out.

We gotta get outta here. This is ridiculous.

Yeah, let's go, let's move, let's move.

Oh, you just, you just walked out?

We are walking out.

Oh no.

Saffron's staying at her dad's tonight.

That means I'm not gonna see her.

Julie?

Julie, we have to go to her school immediately

and drop off these period gifts.

Saffron deserves to be celebrated!

Wait, wait. No, no, no, no, no, no.

I feel like we've made a lot of hasty decisions today.

I think maybe we should just

take a breath and celebrate the moment.

No! No.

No, I was there for when she crawled,

when she walked, when she talked.

I will definitely be there for this!

Let's go! - Okay.

Yeah. - Alright.

Status report.

Are we on track for 5:00 PM?

Absolutely. I just gotta finish these here.

And I was thinking we could get everyone

little cowboy hats and bandanas?

NO! Just farmhouse chic is farmhouse chic, okay?

It has nothing to do with cowboys!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa there fella.

What do you got against cowboys?

Are you really asking or are you just being polite?

I wanna know. Pop a squat.

In grade seven I had a huge crush on Daniel Forester.

He invited me to his birthday party,

which I was told was cowboy themed.

So I show up in my hat and my boots and my chaps,

with jeans on underneath of course.

Only to realize that no one else dressed up.

Those assholes.

Hey, kids are the worst.

When I was in high school,

I was a horse girl

until I got mean girled into a decade long grunge phase.

I think if you put that cowboy hat on,

it might feel empowering.

Those jerks stole my inner cowboy.

And I'm going to get him back.

That's the spirit, bucko.

And for a hundred dollars I can get a miniature pony.

No, no livestock in the office.

Come on. They're clean. His name's Papaya, please.

Oh my gosh, hurry. Saffron's going to school.

We're gonna miss her.

Oh my God, I'm going as fast as I can.

The Milk of Magnesia's doing its work.

Listen, get your phone out

because I want you to snap a pic of this core memory, okay?

Okay, okay, are we sure this is the core memory

we wanna give Saffron?

Yeah, one hundred percent. Help me look for her.

Okay, what am I looking for?

That.

Saffron.

♪ If I could grow wings

♪ I would do anything ♪

SAAAAFFFRRROONN!!

NOOOOOO!!

Is that your mom?

Um...

Periods are great and meant to be celebrated.

Yay!

Do your friends have their, do you guys have your period?

'Cause there's enough chocolate here for every...

Okay.

Core memory? No.

Do you want? - No, no. I think we're done.

I think we're done.

Nice to meet you.

They're scary.

Yeehaw! And welcome to Robyn's Saloon.

Grab a hat and a bandana.

I didn't know we were dressing up for this.

I don't do hats.

You know, they do come in handy.

You never know when a stray hair

could tie you to a crime scene.

Are you sure you guys don't wanna hat or bandana?

Robyn, you look really dumb.

Did Evan force you to do this?

It's not okay.

He's even more annoying since becoming the boss.

Totally, yeah.

He, he pulled me into his office

and he shook me and he said,

"We're doing this thing together."

Do you wanna write him up?

Because nobody can force you to dress like a cow person

against your will, not even your boss.

No, no, no, no, I'll just, um, I'll just get rid of this.

False alarm.

Just another thing I was wrong about today.

First Pete, now poop.

I really got it wrong too today.

The unshaming of Saffron's period

was the biggest shaming of her life.

Well, she is only 13.

I mean, it might be too soon to call that.

And you know, listen,

first periods are usually kind of terrible.

That's just it. I don't want Saffron

to think that getting her period is terrible.

Although mine currently is.

You have your period again?

I haven't stopped.

I'm like a shell of a woman.

Not only that, Julie, it's like I'm anxious, I'm bloated.

I don't know how,

but I've managed to wear out

three of these lipstick vibrators.

Respect. - Thank you very much.

Also, I'm losing my hair.

I can't sleep.

Oh my God.

You know what? - What?

Some of these symptoms sound a little familiar to me.

Like from the before time.

Like, like before I had the big M.

No, thank you. I am only 44, honey.

Okay. But I've done a lot of research and-

No.

I think you might possibly be in perimenopause.

♪ No! ♪

Oh my God, I want some wine and some cheese.

I want all of the cheese.

I will not have any in solidarity.

Well, hey there cowboys!

Where are all the cowboys?

No one dressed up?

Are you kidding me right now?

Are you trying to retraumatize me?

I'm sorry. I'll put the hat on.

You don't have to do that.

Okay.

What is happening?

For the first time ever I have no idea.

What is it gonna take to get you losers

to see me as a friend? Huh?

I try to do something nice and fun for you little idiots,

and I can tell by the looks of all of your stupid faces

that none of you wanna be here! Ooh!

Huh, so it changed.

What's the problem, huh?

You're having the time of your lives this mornin'

Hanging out, being all buddies.

Yeah, what's the difference between now and then, right?

Hey, don't move!

Nobody fuckin' move!

Nobody gets to leave until one by one

I hear why you don't like me.

Well, legally you can't keep us here-

Julie. - Okay.

You first.

You took my job.

Okay. You.

You reported me to HR.

What? I didn't report you to HR.

You didn't report?

Okay, who reported me to HR?

That's confidential.

Office policy states that no one-

No!

- We can't disclose that. - No!

Okay.

Who reported me to HR?

I did.

You were kinda outta control.

You were hugging everyone and doing trust falls

and there was a stingray tank. I didn't know what to do.

You reported me to Mo?

Yeah.

I don't, I don't understand.

I just thought that you were my friend.

We are friends.

I mean, this was before, you know?

When were we not friends?

Well, you, you kind of did get assigned to me.

That's not exactly what I mean.

I just, I, uh, we're just very different people

and you have a lot of quirks that I, I now see as assets.

Okay, uh, that's not exactly it either.

What? Ah, what I'm trying to say is just that like,

you're an acquired taste that I have acquired.

You know what taste I have acquired, Julie?

Cheese. Mmm.

My oh my.

I certainly love a big stick of cheese, don't you?

Doesn't that smell good?

Mmm mmm mmm mmm.

Oh, the whole thing.

She's doing it.

Mmm mmm mmm.

You want some, Julie? Hmm? You want a piece?

Here you go. You want a little bit?

Oh no, that's right, you can't.

'Cause you're in menopause, right?

- Let's stop. - No, I won't stop.

I think I'm gonna enjoy

something else you can't have, huh?

You like that? Look at this.

You want some? I think I'll have it.

Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm.

Mmm!

How you like that, Julie?

Are you okay?

Don't touch me.

Okay. Kris, you cannot bleed for a month

and keep acting like it's normal.

I'm doing the best I can.

Uh, Kris, wait up.

I'll drive ya.

It's apple juice.

Oh. - Yeah.

drive you home.

Mo, just leave me alone.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Okay? - Yeah.

Okay.

Hey, I'm sorry that I blamed you for the HR meeting.

I'm still really pissed off you didn't tell me the truth.

Oh I couldn't.

Why do you have to be so good at your job?

Mo, you have cloth seats.

Uh, you know what? It's fine.

Look, I'm, I'm gonna, I have this and I'm just,

I'll just sit on this just like, what?

Oh no, it's fine. It's fine. Uh... bleed away.

Really? - Yeah.

Thanks, Mo. - Yeah.

Mmm.

I found these in the glove compartment.

Are they yours?

I'm not mad. I just need to know.

But I, I do reserve the right to be angry once you've told me.

So are, are they yours?

What are you laughing at? Okay, now I am mad!

Julie, why would I

buy the cheapest, unlubricated, fruit-scented condoms?

Oliver's been driving your car.

Oh! Oh.

Okay. Okay. We gotta be cool about this, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, obviously.

Oliver. Hey, Oliver? Ol-

Ahem. Oliver!

Way to go, buddy.

Yeah.

I think what your dad's trying to say is, uh,

good job on being, uh, responsible

and more importantly, respectful.

Thanks?

And Oliver, um, you know,

I'd like to give you a little advice.

Some things are worth spending money on.

Mom!

Julie.

Saffron, I hope I didn't embarrass you

in front of your friends,

I mean, coven, it's a coven.

But looking back I actually see that I did.

And I'm so sorry.

Listen, I want you to know that I look forward

to unpacking your emotions around your period.

And just the two of us.

And, and Mom won't do that again,

but I'm thinking this time it would just be like a cake,

but like a little cake.

And, and have some sprinkles on it.

I'm sorry.

I'm done.

Thank you for your moral support.

I know that you couldn't hear me 'cause I had to be private

'cause Saffron doesn't like it when I do things

in front of people.

Yeah. Well I'm happy that I could be here for ya.

Thanks.

I'll walk you to your door?

Yeah. No.

What?

I don't think it's a good idea.

Okay. -Okay.

Thank you. - Yep.

See ya. - Okay.

Okay. Thanks. Thank you. - Bye.

Welcsies.

She's still mad at me.

Mm. You coming to bed?

I'll be there in a few.

Hey, gun show.

You've been going to the gym lately?

I wish.

Garbage must be getting heavier.

Love you.

The garbage is getting heavier?

♪ Well I feel like an old hobo

♪ I'm sad lonesome and blue

♪ I was fair as the summer day

♪ Now the summer days are through

♪ You pass through places

♪ And places pass through you

♪ But you carry 'em with you

♪ On the soles of your travellin' shoes ♪

Hmm.

♪ Well I love you so dearly I love you so clearly

♪ I wake you up in the mornin' so early

♪ Just to tell you I got the wanderin' blues

♪ I got the wanderin' blues ♪