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1
00:00:01,566 --> 00:00:05,744
♪♪
2
00:00:05,831 --> 00:00:07,268
[man]
Start it.
3
00:00:07,355 --> 00:00:08,225
♪♪
4
00:00:08,312 --> 00:00:09,835
♪ Zombie on the track ♪
5
00:00:09,922 --> 00:00:12,795
♪ Started from the bottom
now we're here ♪
6
00:00:12,882 --> 00:00:15,189
♪ Started from the bottom
now my whole team fucking here ♪
7
00:00:15,276 --> 00:00:18,366
♪ Started from the bottom
now we're here ♪
8
00:00:18,453 --> 00:00:21,195
♪ Started from the bottom
now the whole team here ♪
9
00:00:21,282 --> 00:00:24,067
♪ Nigga, started from
the bottom now we're here ♪
10
00:00:24,154 --> 00:00:26,591
♪ Started from the bottom
now my whole team here ♪
11
00:00:26,678 --> 00:00:29,072
♪ Nigga, started from
the bottom now we're here ♪
12
00:00:29,159 --> 00:00:32,032
♪ Started from the bottom now
the whole team fucking here ♪
13
00:00:32,119 --> 00:00:35,078
♪ I done kept it real
from the jump ♪
14
00:00:35,165 --> 00:00:37,863
♪ Livin' at my mama's house we'd
argue every mornin', nigga ♪
15
00:00:37,950 --> 00:00:40,431
♪ I was tryin' to get it
on my own ♪
16
00:00:40,518 --> 00:00:43,217
♪ Workin' all night
traffic on the way home ♪
17
00:00:43,304 --> 00:00:46,046
♪ And my uncle callin' me
like "Where you at? ♪
18
00:00:46,133 --> 00:00:49,005
♪ I gave you the keys told you
bring it right back, nigga ♪
19
00:00:49,092 --> 00:00:51,921
♪ I just think it's funny
how it goes ♪
20
00:00:52,008 --> 00:00:54,532
♪ Now I'm on the road
half a million for a show ♪
21
00:00:54,619 --> 00:00:57,274
♪ Started from the bottom
now we're here ♪
22
00:00:57,361 --> 00:01:00,190
♪ Started from the bottom
now my whole team fucking here ♪
23
00:01:00,277 --> 00:01:02,671
♪ Started from the bottom
now we're here ♪
24
00:01:02,758 --> 00:01:04,890
♪ Started from the bottom
now the whole team here ♪
25
00:01:04,977 --> 00:01:08,720
♪ Nigga, started from
the bottom now we're here ♪
26
00:01:08,807 --> 00:01:11,375
♪ Started from the bottom now
the whole team fucking here ♪
27
00:01:11,462 --> 00:01:13,116
♪ Started from the bottom
now we're here... ♪
28
00:01:13,203 --> 00:01:15,510
[woman]
Ma'am... Ma'am... Ma'am...
29
00:01:15,597 --> 00:01:18,208
Ma'am!
30
00:01:18,295 --> 00:01:19,731
You didn't sign the back
of the check.
31
00:01:19,818 --> 00:01:22,038
Oh... I'm sorry.
32
00:01:22,125 --> 00:01:23,605
Uh, you know,
I wasn't sure
33
00:01:23,692 --> 00:01:25,302
if there was a special
teller I should go to
34
00:01:25,389 --> 00:01:26,782
for checks that are
this large?
35
00:01:26,869 --> 00:01:30,220
Ooh, 8K, unh!
36
00:01:30,307 --> 00:01:32,788
You know how
she got it, dude?
37
00:01:32,875 --> 00:01:37,009
This bitch right here
drew this illustration,
38
00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:39,795
and a sexy-ass
new dating web site bought it
39
00:01:39,882 --> 00:01:42,537
for $8,000!
40
00:01:42,624 --> 00:01:44,756
"An alert from your bank"?
41
00:01:44,843 --> 00:01:48,978
What?
No.
42
00:01:49,065 --> 00:01:51,023
This illustration.
43
00:01:51,111 --> 00:01:52,286
Hey, came from her heart.
44
00:01:52,373 --> 00:01:54,462
Great-- so do you
want this in cash?
45
00:01:54,549 --> 00:01:56,377
No, I want it
in my savings account.
46
00:01:56,464 --> 00:01:58,118
For somebody who works
at the bank,
47
00:01:58,205 --> 00:01:59,510
[silly voice]
♪ I thought you'd be ♪
48
00:01:59,597 --> 00:02:00,685
♪ More responsible
with money ♪
49
00:02:00,772 --> 00:02:02,339
Ludacris.
50
00:02:02,426 --> 00:02:04,341
I also have some business
with the bank.
51
00:02:04,428 --> 00:02:08,128
I'd like to cash
these nickels,
52
00:02:08,215 --> 00:02:09,390
and I'll have them
in quarters, please.
53
00:02:09,477 --> 00:02:10,695
Thank you so much.
54
00:02:10,782 --> 00:02:13,002
♪ Four and three
and two and one-- one ♪
55
00:02:21,706 --> 00:02:23,578
Abbi, you're home.
56
00:02:23,665 --> 00:02:24,753
What's going on?
57
00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:27,321
Nothing, just, uh...
58
00:02:27,408 --> 00:02:28,974
straightening up
in the living room.
59
00:02:29,061 --> 00:02:30,367
You know, I was gonna
fold this, heh.
60
00:02:30,454 --> 00:02:31,455
This is a mess.
61
00:02:31,542 --> 00:02:34,763
[gasps]
Body Butter!
62
00:02:34,850 --> 00:02:36,504
[gasps]
Lap pillow!
63
00:02:36,591 --> 00:02:39,376
[gasps]
64
00:02:39,463 --> 00:02:40,899
Julianna Margulies!
65
00:02:40,986 --> 00:02:43,946
You were jerking off.
66
00:02:44,033 --> 00:02:46,949
In the communal space!
67
00:02:47,036 --> 00:02:48,168
You don't even
livehere!
68
00:02:48,255 --> 00:02:50,431
I wasn't even touching
my wiener yet.
69
00:02:50,518 --> 00:02:51,954
I was still just
doing butt stuff.
70
00:02:52,041 --> 00:02:53,782
Ew! What?
Okay.
71
00:02:53,869 --> 00:02:56,001
I was "jerking off."
72
00:02:56,088 --> 00:02:58,308
And to Julianna Margulies.
73
00:02:58,395 --> 00:03:01,442
Bevers, I swear to God
that better be "E.R."
74
00:03:01,529 --> 00:03:03,531
It's... "Good Wife."
75
00:03:03,618 --> 00:03:07,883
You have a way of tainting
everything I love.
76
00:03:07,970 --> 00:03:10,320
Taint?Don't.
77
00:03:10,407 --> 00:03:12,192
I'm done.
I'm moving out.
78
00:03:12,279 --> 00:03:14,368
I am moving
the fuck out!
79
00:03:14,455 --> 00:03:16,587
You know why?
'Cause I have money now.
80
00:03:16,674 --> 00:03:17,893
I got money now!
81
00:03:17,980 --> 00:03:19,286
'Cause I'm a boss.
82
00:03:19,373 --> 00:03:22,114
'Cause I'm a badass boss!
83
00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:24,421
Yeah, see how it goes.
84
00:03:24,508 --> 00:03:26,380
You see how it goes!
85
00:03:29,165 --> 00:03:31,298
Sorry.
86
00:03:35,780 --> 00:03:37,521
"Operator."
87
00:03:37,608 --> 00:03:39,306
[computer voice]
I heard "Oppertimer."
88
00:03:39,393 --> 00:03:41,569
Op-er-a-tor. Oppenheimer.
89
00:03:41,656 --> 00:03:43,440
Thank you so much
for coming with me.
90
00:03:43,527 --> 00:03:45,355
I can't live in this apartment
for another second.
91
00:03:45,442 --> 00:03:49,403
Human being! Huge feelings.
92
00:03:49,490 --> 00:03:50,665
What's happening here?
93
00:03:50,752 --> 00:03:52,493
I canceled my cable
nine months ago.
94
00:03:52,580 --> 00:03:53,711
They are still
charging me,
95
00:03:53,798 --> 00:03:56,323
and I'm getting
an overdraft fee every day.
96
00:03:56,410 --> 00:03:58,150
Did you return
your cable box?
97
00:03:58,238 --> 00:03:59,456
Yeah, you came
with me, remember?
98
00:03:59,543 --> 00:04:00,892
That old lady spit
on you in line.
99
00:04:00,979 --> 00:04:02,720
Oh, right.
That was...
100
00:04:02,807 --> 00:04:05,854
Human being!
Human being.
101
00:04:05,941 --> 00:04:08,204
Cumin braiding. Where is this broker?
102
00:04:08,291 --> 00:04:10,815
Just, I wanna
move out immediately.
103
00:04:10,902 --> 00:04:13,165
Hi, girls.
It's me, Pam.
104
00:04:15,864 --> 00:04:19,389
Hi...
105
00:04:19,476 --> 00:04:21,217
Oh--
Oh...
106
00:04:21,304 --> 00:04:25,700
Hi.
107
00:04:25,787 --> 00:04:27,310
Hi.
Hi.
108
00:04:27,397 --> 00:04:28,877
I'm Abbi.
We spoke on the phone.
109
00:04:28,964 --> 00:04:31,183
Don't shake my hand,
it was just down my pants.
110
00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:33,882
Let's find you your dream
apartment, shall we?
111
00:04:33,969 --> 00:04:36,928
Yeah.
Let's go over here.
112
00:04:37,015 --> 00:04:40,192
[Pam]
Beautiful day.
113
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:43,065
Well, what do you think?
114
00:04:43,152 --> 00:04:45,023
It's a hallway.
115
00:04:45,110 --> 00:04:47,591
It is a beautiful
116
00:04:47,678 --> 00:04:50,072
railroad-style apartment
in your budget.
117
00:04:50,159 --> 00:04:51,856
Where's the bathroom?
118
00:04:51,943 --> 00:04:53,641
Where isn't the bathroom?
119
00:04:53,728 --> 00:04:56,252
Jeez, wear a catheter,
go on the corner.
120
00:04:56,339 --> 00:04:58,428
You can fit
a king size bed in here.
121
00:04:58,515 --> 00:05:00,604
Yeah, if you fold it up
like a taco.
122
00:05:00,691 --> 00:05:02,258
God, why am I so
turned on right now?
123
00:05:02,345 --> 00:05:04,608
Ew, Pam, this place
is horrible.
124
00:05:04,695 --> 00:05:06,175
Let's just move on.
125
00:05:06,262 --> 00:05:10,048
Look, don't bully me,
all right-- I can't take it!
126
00:05:10,135 --> 00:05:14,488
I was cyberbullied within
an inch of my life last night.
127
00:05:14,575 --> 00:05:16,577
I make dolls
out of human hair.
128
00:05:16,664 --> 00:05:19,057
Who's thirsty?
129
00:05:19,144 --> 00:05:21,277
[Pam]
God, I hope there's not
another speed bump.
130
00:05:21,364 --> 00:05:23,540
I've got 18 stitches
down there in my Susie.
131
00:05:23,627 --> 00:05:24,976
You know, the doctor said
they'd disintegrate,
132
00:05:25,063 --> 00:05:26,587
but they haven't.
133
00:05:26,674 --> 00:05:27,849
Maybe I should
get 'em yanked out.
134
00:05:27,936 --> 00:05:28,893
Maybe I can
yank 'em out.
135
00:05:28,980 --> 00:05:30,242
You got any tweezers
on ya?
136
00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:32,419
You know, I don't.
I'm sorry.
137
00:05:32,506 --> 00:05:34,246
They're killing me.
Oh, well.
138
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:35,726
Can't let it
get me down.
139
00:05:35,813 --> 00:05:37,119
God, I love this car.
140
00:05:37,206 --> 00:05:38,468
It's so little,
you know,
141
00:05:38,555 --> 00:05:40,122
you can basically
park it anywhere.
142
00:05:40,209 --> 00:05:41,645
[computer voice]
Thank you for holding.
143
00:05:41,732 --> 00:05:44,082
You are no longer
on pre-hold.
144
00:05:44,169 --> 00:05:45,562
You are on actual hold.
145
00:05:45,649 --> 00:05:46,302
It's so fun to drive one
so small.
146
00:05:46,389 --> 00:05:48,609
"Pre-hold"?
Pre-hold-- really?
147
00:05:48,696 --> 00:05:50,785
[computer voice]
I heard "pre-hold."
148
00:05:50,872 --> 00:05:53,048
You are now being placed
back on pre-hold.
149
00:05:53,135 --> 00:05:54,963
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no-- hello?
150
00:05:55,050 --> 00:05:57,313
And we are here!
[tires screech]
151
00:05:57,400 --> 00:06:00,229
This place is terrific!
152
00:06:00,316 --> 00:06:02,231
It's a prewar building
153
00:06:02,318 --> 00:06:04,320
built right after
the Iraq War.
154
00:06:04,407 --> 00:06:05,756
How's that mattress
treatin' ya?
155
00:06:05,843 --> 00:06:07,976
I can't sleep like this.
I feel like I'm in a coffin.
156
00:06:08,063 --> 00:06:10,152
I slept in a coffin once.
157
00:06:10,239 --> 00:06:13,285
It wasn't that bad,
except for the body.
158
00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:15,331
Let's go!
[snaps fingers]
159
00:06:15,418 --> 00:06:17,464
Ilana, I'm gonna
get out first.
160
00:06:17,551 --> 00:06:19,204
And then you come,
okay?
161
00:06:19,291 --> 00:06:21,337
Oh!
Damn!
162
00:06:21,424 --> 00:06:24,906
Dude!
Fuck!
163
00:06:24,993 --> 00:06:26,690
Let's hustle!
164
00:06:26,777 --> 00:06:28,039
Your hand's on my ass.
I'm like--
165
00:06:28,126 --> 00:06:29,345
I'm like--
I'm on the ladder.
166
00:06:29,432 --> 00:06:30,868
I got--
I got this.
I'm cool.
167
00:06:30,955 --> 00:06:32,348
♪♪
168
00:06:32,435 --> 00:06:34,176
[Ilana]
Fuck you, robot!
169
00:06:34,263 --> 00:06:36,265
[tires screech]
170
00:06:36,352 --> 00:06:37,701
Come on,
let's hurry up.
171
00:06:37,788 --> 00:06:39,703
I gotta get home
and feed my Oscar fish.
172
00:06:39,790 --> 00:06:41,531
Are we just leaving it?
173
00:06:41,618 --> 00:06:43,968
Let's see... oh.
174
00:06:44,055 --> 00:06:46,057
Hey, you guys know
that television show "Friends"?
175
00:06:46,144 --> 00:06:49,887
Yes.
Oh, my God.
176
00:06:49,974 --> 00:06:52,107
It's a great show,
right?
177
00:06:52,194 --> 00:06:54,588
Here's this place.
178
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:02,073
[computer voice]
Welcome to Ideal Media.
You are next in line.
179
00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:03,466
Hello? Hello?
180
00:07:03,553 --> 00:07:04,206
[computer voice]
But it is no guarantee.
181
00:07:04,293 --> 00:07:05,947
Hi--[sighs]
182
00:07:06,034 --> 00:07:07,862
Hel-- I'll be right in.
[computer chime]
183
00:07:07,949 --> 00:07:09,124
[man on phone]
Hello, how can I help you?
184
00:07:09,211 --> 00:07:11,256
Oh-- oh my goodness.
185
00:07:11,343 --> 00:07:12,954
Are you a human being?
Hello?
186
00:07:13,041 --> 00:07:13,955
[man]
Yes, I am.
How can I help you?
187
00:07:14,042 --> 00:07:15,173
Oh...
188
00:07:15,260 --> 00:07:16,436
The good news is,
189
00:07:16,523 --> 00:07:18,220
the landlords are
gonna repaint,
190
00:07:18,307 --> 00:07:19,613
and you get to pick
the color.
191
00:07:19,700 --> 00:07:21,179
I would suggest red.
192
00:07:21,266 --> 00:07:22,442
More good news.
193
00:07:22,529 --> 00:07:24,487
The walls are
super thick.
194
00:07:24,574 --> 00:07:25,967
Listen.
195
00:07:26,054 --> 00:07:27,316
[solid thuds]
196
00:07:27,403 --> 00:07:28,404
[shouting]
Help!
197
00:07:28,491 --> 00:07:30,537
Please call the police!
198
00:07:30,624 --> 00:07:32,190
They tied me up!
199
00:07:32,277 --> 00:07:34,323
I think they're
Filipino!
200
00:07:34,410 --> 00:07:37,369
They took my baby!
201
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:40,547
[sobbing hysterically]
202
00:07:40,634 --> 00:07:42,287
[man]
You're still being charged
203
00:07:42,374 --> 00:07:43,637
because you returned the cable
box, but not the remote.
204
00:07:43,724 --> 00:07:45,856
So I'm being charged
$100 a month
205
00:07:45,943 --> 00:07:47,597
for a remote control?
206
00:07:47,684 --> 00:07:49,643
I have no idea
where that is.
207
00:07:49,730 --> 00:07:51,427
Well, you're gonna have
to track it down
208
00:07:51,514 --> 00:07:53,864
or you'll keep
being charged... forever.
209
00:07:53,951 --> 00:07:55,605
[sobbing hysterically]
210
00:07:55,692 --> 00:07:57,607
See?
211
00:07:57,694 --> 00:07:59,174
You could scream
all night long,
212
00:07:59,261 --> 00:08:01,219
neighbor won't even
hear a thing.
213
00:08:01,306 --> 00:08:02,394
This isn't working
for me.
214
00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:03,570
I'm gonna go
on Craigslist.
215
00:08:03,657 --> 00:08:05,354
No, please, I really
need the money.
216
00:08:05,441 --> 00:08:06,660
They're gonna break
my legs!
217
00:08:06,747 --> 00:08:08,096
I'm sorry, I just gotta
do this on my own.
218
00:08:08,183 --> 00:08:09,837
Wait... no!
219
00:08:09,924 --> 00:08:13,841
Nooooo...
220
00:08:13,928 --> 00:08:15,973
[silence]
221
00:08:16,060 --> 00:08:18,585
The walls are
really thick.
222
00:08:22,632 --> 00:08:24,504
I can't find
this remote.
223
00:08:24,591 --> 00:08:25,853
I don't understand
this, Ilana.
224
00:08:25,940 --> 00:08:27,811
It's like you have
a thousand socks,
225
00:08:27,898 --> 00:08:29,073
but no underwear
in the underwears drawer.
226
00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:30,248
You don't have
to tell me.
227
00:08:30,335 --> 00:08:32,512
I don't know where
my underwear goes.
228
00:08:32,599 --> 00:08:33,469
That's why I'm always
going commando.
229
00:08:33,556 --> 00:08:35,645
Oh, is this it?
No.
230
00:08:35,732 --> 00:08:36,820
That's my old dictaphone
from high school.
231
00:08:36,907 --> 00:08:39,606
Is a dick phone?
Dic-ta-phone.
232
00:08:39,693 --> 00:08:42,304
Oh, I was...
"Hello? Hello, Dick."
233
00:08:42,391 --> 00:08:45,176
[Ilana's voice on tape]
Great idea number nine.
234
00:08:45,263 --> 00:08:47,091
It's like Facebook,
but just for photos.
235
00:08:47,178 --> 00:08:48,919
[inhaling, exhaling
doing bong hit]
236
00:08:49,006 --> 00:08:51,008
I guess it could be
videos, too,
237
00:08:51,095 --> 00:08:52,270
but mostly photos.
238
00:08:52,357 --> 00:08:53,576
[dictaphone off]
239
00:08:53,663 --> 00:08:55,404
Ilana, you invented
the Instagram.
240
00:08:55,491 --> 00:08:58,059
That's insane.
241
00:08:58,146 --> 00:09:00,409
I bet I was high the last
time I had my remote.
242
00:09:00,496 --> 00:09:02,803
Like, for sure!
Yeah, yeah.
243
00:09:02,890 --> 00:09:05,893
Like, certainly.Certainly, yes.
244
00:09:05,980 --> 00:09:07,634
Maybe if I get high again
I'll remember where I put it.
245
00:09:07,721 --> 00:09:09,679
Aren't you already high?
246
00:09:09,766 --> 00:09:10,637
I-- I mean,
like, more high.
247
00:09:10,724 --> 00:09:13,030
Is "higher."
"Highest."
248
00:09:13,117 --> 00:09:18,296
♪♪
249
00:09:22,953 --> 00:09:25,260
Last year, Brooklyn.
250
00:09:25,347 --> 00:09:30,570
My old apartment
on Flatbush.
251
00:09:30,657 --> 00:09:33,834
Living room...
couch.
252
00:09:33,921 --> 00:09:36,314
Sex on the couch.
253
00:09:40,144 --> 00:09:43,495
Bad sex.
Really bad sex.
254
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:47,108
The worst sex.
Dale!
255
00:09:47,195 --> 00:09:49,676
Eww...
256
00:09:49,763 --> 00:09:51,068
Dale.
257
00:09:51,155 --> 00:09:54,245
[buzzing]
258
00:09:54,332 --> 00:09:56,639
Thank you so much for
coming with me again.
259
00:09:56,726 --> 00:09:59,033
Ilana can't find
her remote, so--
260
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:01,078
Also, I'm terrified
of Craigslist.
261
00:10:01,165 --> 00:10:03,298
If it ever gets weird,
I'll get you out of there.
262
00:10:03,385 --> 00:10:05,082
I don't want you moving in
with a Craigslist killer.
263
00:10:05,169 --> 00:10:06,867
So scary.
264
00:10:06,954 --> 00:10:08,608
That dude just posted
for women,
265
00:10:08,695 --> 00:10:09,696
and then just kills them.
266
00:10:09,783 --> 00:10:11,001
Or do you think
he has sex with them
267
00:10:11,088 --> 00:10:12,263
and then kills them?
268
00:10:12,350 --> 00:10:15,919
Or did he kill them,
then have sex with them?
269
00:10:16,006 --> 00:10:17,355
[man, over intercom]
You're both right.
270
00:10:17,442 --> 00:10:19,793
Oh, sorry, this is Mark.
Please, enter me.
271
00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:21,708
I mean, please, enter me.
272
00:10:21,795 --> 00:10:22,926
Please enter
and come on up.
273
00:10:23,013 --> 00:10:24,058
[buzzer buzzing]
274
00:10:24,145 --> 00:10:25,581
All right.
275
00:10:30,107 --> 00:10:31,500
[phone line ringing]
276
00:10:31,587 --> 00:10:35,460
[cell phone vibrating]
277
00:10:35,547 --> 00:10:37,332
Ilana?
Hey, Dale.
278
00:10:37,419 --> 00:10:40,030
How are you?
279
00:10:40,117 --> 00:10:42,337
I'm good, I'm good.
280
00:10:42,424 --> 00:10:43,338
Me, too.
[chuckles]
281
00:10:43,425 --> 00:10:45,166
[inhales sharply]
282
00:10:45,253 --> 00:10:47,081
Uh, okay, so listen.
283
00:10:47,168 --> 00:10:49,605
Um, this is kind of an awkward
conversation to have,
284
00:10:49,692 --> 00:10:51,868
But do you have...
285
00:10:51,955 --> 00:10:55,132
Herpes?
Yeah, all over.
286
00:10:55,219 --> 00:10:57,004
What?
I have herpes?
287
00:10:57,091 --> 00:10:58,875
That's not what I was
calling about.
288
00:10:58,962 --> 00:11:00,703
Yeah, me neither.
[chuckles]
289
00:11:00,790 --> 00:11:02,009
I thought you were
someone else.
290
00:11:02,096 --> 00:11:04,664
Okay...
291
00:11:04,751 --> 00:11:06,666
Look, I was calling to ask
292
00:11:06,753 --> 00:11:08,058
if you have
my cable remote.
293
00:11:08,145 --> 00:11:10,931
Uh, yeah, I--
294
00:11:11,018 --> 00:11:12,541
I guess it might be
around here somewhere.
295
00:11:12,628 --> 00:11:13,760
Okay, well, I need it.
296
00:11:13,847 --> 00:11:15,762
Why don't you come over?
297
00:11:15,849 --> 00:11:16,763
I'll make my
encrusted salmon.
298
00:11:16,850 --> 00:11:19,635
Ew, no, just meet me
in a public place.
299
00:11:19,722 --> 00:11:20,592
What about that
Italian restaurant
300
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:21,724
where our souls merged?
301
00:11:21,811 --> 00:11:24,074
Our souls never merged
dude.
302
00:11:24,161 --> 00:11:25,597
Yeah, I know.
303
00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:28,252
[exhales]
Jesus.
304
00:11:28,339 --> 00:11:30,646
Let's uh-- Let's meet
at Washington Square Park.
305
00:11:30,733 --> 00:11:33,257
Like, 5:00?
I'll be there.
306
00:11:33,344 --> 00:11:35,695
Yikes.
307
00:11:40,874 --> 00:11:43,920
[Mark]
The room is
available now.
308
00:11:44,007 --> 00:11:46,967
So this is the living room.
309
00:11:47,054 --> 00:11:48,795
Oh, man!
310
00:11:48,882 --> 00:11:50,971
Look how high
these ceilings are.
311
00:11:51,058 --> 00:11:53,234
Check out this crown
molding right there.
312
00:11:53,321 --> 00:11:56,628
That's priceless.
Whoa.
313
00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:59,066
Oh, there's
a massage table.
314
00:11:59,153 --> 00:12:00,676
Yeah, I'm taking classes
at the Swedish Institute.
315
00:12:00,763 --> 00:12:01,938
Cool.Yeah.
316
00:12:02,025 --> 00:12:03,418
If you let me
practice on you,
317
00:12:03,505 --> 00:12:06,987
I could knock a few
dollars off the rent.
318
00:12:07,074 --> 00:12:09,250
Abbi, you gotta
check out the sink.
319
00:12:09,337 --> 00:12:11,861
It's so deep, you could wash
a baby in there.
320
00:12:11,948 --> 00:12:13,950
I have.
321
00:12:14,037 --> 00:12:15,386
Okay.
322
00:12:15,473 --> 00:12:18,172
So what's your
shoe size?
323
00:12:18,259 --> 00:12:19,695
Nine.
324
00:12:19,782 --> 00:12:22,698
Hmm.
Men's or women's?
325
00:12:25,135 --> 00:12:27,747
Hey, Lincoln, did you hear
that cool question?
326
00:12:27,834 --> 00:12:29,705
Lincoln?
Abbi, check it out.
327
00:12:29,792 --> 00:12:30,793
There's another room
in here!
328
00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:32,795
This place is crazy!
329
00:12:32,882 --> 00:12:34,536
Okay, we gotta
get out of here.
Why?
330
00:12:34,623 --> 00:12:35,711
We're leaving.
Why?
331
00:12:35,798 --> 00:12:36,886
We have to--
Ah!
332
00:12:36,973 --> 00:12:38,192
I see you found
my breakfast nook.
333
00:12:38,279 --> 00:12:39,149
Yeah, man.
334
00:12:39,236 --> 00:12:40,672
It's a cool-ass,
big-ass nook.
335
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:42,065
The one bathroom is
in there.
336
00:12:42,152 --> 00:12:44,372
But it's pretty much
your private bathroom.
337
00:12:44,459 --> 00:12:46,113
I almost never go.
338
00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:47,723
Except when I do go,
I really go.
339
00:12:47,810 --> 00:12:50,204
It's a major problem.
340
00:12:50,291 --> 00:12:51,596
You'll have to stay in a hotel
for a couple days.
341
00:12:51,683 --> 00:12:53,947
I'll pay for it,
of course.
342
00:12:54,034 --> 00:12:55,862
Lincoln, you wanna...
help me?
343
00:12:55,949 --> 00:12:57,994
Oh, yeah.
Sorry, Abbi, sorry.
344
00:12:58,081 --> 00:13:00,170
It's okay.
345
00:13:00,257 --> 00:13:01,258
What hotel?
346
00:13:01,345 --> 00:13:02,390
Holiday Inn Express?
347
00:13:02,477 --> 00:13:03,652
She'll take it.No.
348
00:13:03,739 --> 00:13:04,653
Thank you so much.
Lovely place.
349
00:13:04,740 --> 00:13:05,915
Come on, we're leaving.
350
00:13:07,525 --> 00:13:08,875
[sniffing]
351
00:13:14,141 --> 00:13:17,579
[horn honks]
352
00:13:17,666 --> 00:13:19,494
Ilana!
353
00:13:19,581 --> 00:13:21,801
Oh... God...
354
00:13:21,888 --> 00:13:23,324
[chuckling]
Hey.
355
00:13:23,411 --> 00:13:24,760
Here.
Dale--
356
00:13:24,847 --> 00:13:27,110
These are for you."It's a boy"?
357
00:13:27,197 --> 00:13:29,112
It's all they had left
at Key Foods.
358
00:13:29,199 --> 00:13:31,071
Okay...
Okay...
359
00:13:31,158 --> 00:13:32,637
[straining]
Okay, please...
All right.
360
00:13:32,724 --> 00:13:34,161
Ilana, listen.
361
00:13:34,248 --> 00:13:35,727
You don't have
to pretend anymore.
362
00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:37,294
I know why you left
that remote.
363
00:13:37,381 --> 00:13:40,428
You want to get
back together.
364
00:13:40,515 --> 00:13:42,909
And I'm in.
365
00:13:42,996 --> 00:13:46,086
Dale, we were never
together!
366
00:13:46,173 --> 00:13:48,915
We were roommates
who had sex
367
00:13:49,002 --> 00:13:52,266
a small handful of times
because the train
368
00:13:52,353 --> 00:13:53,441
wasn't running to
Manhattan on the weekends.
369
00:13:53,528 --> 00:13:55,530
Say the word, and I'll
leave my fiancèe.
370
00:13:55,617 --> 00:13:59,403
You're engaged?
371
00:13:59,490 --> 00:14:02,058
And you broughther?
What is wrong with you?
372
00:14:02,145 --> 00:14:03,755
Just say you'll
give us a shot,
373
00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:05,366
and I'll give the driver
a signal,
374
00:14:05,453 --> 00:14:09,544
and he will take her straight
to Newark Airport.
375
00:14:09,631 --> 00:14:11,546
Give me the remote.
376
00:14:14,070 --> 00:14:15,593
Come on.
377
00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:18,901
Thanks for the balloons.
378
00:14:18,988 --> 00:14:20,163
Please don't tell Amanda
I told you I'd leave her.
379
00:14:20,250 --> 00:14:21,991
[scoffs]
Please don't tell her
380
00:14:22,078 --> 00:14:23,514
I bought her a one-way ticket
to Santa Fe.
381
00:14:23,601 --> 00:14:25,125
What?Please don't tell her
I have herpes!
382
00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:29,303
Do I or do I not
have herpes?
383
00:14:29,390 --> 00:14:31,696
I do, you don't.
384
00:14:31,783 --> 00:14:37,093
Oh, God!
385
00:14:37,180 --> 00:14:39,704
I want to read so many
of these books.
386
00:14:39,791 --> 00:14:41,576
This is unreal.
387
00:14:41,663 --> 00:14:42,969
I can't believe I can
get a room in Manhattan
388
00:14:43,056 --> 00:14:44,361
for 900 bucks a month.
389
00:14:44,448 --> 00:14:45,710
See, I told you
you'd find something.
390
00:14:45,797 --> 00:14:47,321
This place is perfect.
391
00:14:47,408 --> 00:14:50,759
Hey, if she doesn't
get the room, I might.
392
00:14:50,846 --> 00:14:52,456
No, I'm taking it.
Stop.
393
00:14:52,543 --> 00:14:54,545
Well, we go to Priya's mom's
beach house most weekends,
394
00:14:54,632 --> 00:14:56,199
so you'll have the place
to yourself a lot.
395
00:14:56,286 --> 00:14:58,419
Wow.
We make dinner
every night,
396
00:14:58,506 --> 00:15:00,247
and our sex is
on the quiet side.
397
00:15:00,334 --> 00:15:03,119
Yeah, so is mine,
with myself, right?
398
00:15:03,206 --> 00:15:05,817
[laughter]Yeah!
399
00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:08,037
I think I speak for Priya
when I say
400
00:15:08,124 --> 00:15:10,213
we would love to have you
as a roommate.
401
00:15:10,300 --> 00:15:11,954
Yes, that would
be awesome.
402
00:15:12,041 --> 00:15:13,782
Do I dare say
we toast?
403
00:15:13,869 --> 00:15:15,653
I double dare ya!
404
00:15:15,740 --> 00:15:18,787
Let's do it.
Thank you.
405
00:15:18,874 --> 00:15:22,269
To built-ins, countertops
you can chop right on,
406
00:15:22,356 --> 00:15:25,489
and toilets with two
flush buttons-- cheers.
407
00:15:25,576 --> 00:15:26,969
[laughter]Yeah.
408
00:15:27,056 --> 00:15:29,276
♪ SelectDate, SelectDate ♪
409
00:15:29,363 --> 00:15:31,017
Oh, wait,
this is the commercial.
410
00:15:31,104 --> 00:15:33,019
This is the illustration
I was telling you guys about.
411
00:15:33,106 --> 00:15:34,411
Man, this is so cool.
412
00:15:34,498 --> 00:15:35,847
I did this.
413
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:39,373
♪♪
414
00:15:39,460 --> 00:15:42,811
Jack?
415
00:15:42,898 --> 00:15:44,726
[heavy thud]
416
00:15:44,813 --> 00:15:47,033
On a date with someone
who isn't your type?
417
00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:49,426
They're just not like you.
418
00:15:49,513 --> 00:15:51,602
What does he mean,
"not like you"?
419
00:15:51,689 --> 00:15:53,822
But with SelectDate,
you get to choose
420
00:15:53,909 --> 00:15:55,345
from the cream of the crop.
421
00:15:55,432 --> 00:15:58,348
Because we only deal
with the cream.
422
00:15:58,435 --> 00:16:00,437
♪♪
423
00:16:00,524 --> 00:16:03,092
For whites who are single
and ready to mingle.
424
00:16:03,179 --> 00:16:05,486
Oh...
SelectDate,
425
00:16:05,573 --> 00:16:10,012
the final solution
to your dating problems.
426
00:16:12,884 --> 00:16:15,061
What the fuck, Abbi?
427
00:16:15,148 --> 00:16:17,324
No, no, that is not--
428
00:16:17,411 --> 00:16:19,717
I wouldn't ever do
something like that.
429
00:16:19,804 --> 00:16:22,068
[nervous chuckle]
'Cause I--
430
00:16:22,155 --> 00:16:23,547
I just drew happy couples.
431
00:16:23,634 --> 00:16:25,680
Like, 'cause I love couples.
I love people.
432
00:16:25,767 --> 00:16:27,812
I just love people.
Like, I love, like--
433
00:16:27,899 --> 00:16:28,900
I love all races.
434
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:31,903
"Races," not "racists."
435
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:33,340
You guys are--
I wouldn't--
436
00:16:33,427 --> 00:16:34,863
And it's a--
437
00:16:34,950 --> 00:16:36,517
It's probably
not national.
438
00:16:36,604 --> 00:16:38,910
It's just like, um--
Probably it's just--
439
00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:43,002
[sighs]
I'm so sorry.
440
00:16:43,089 --> 00:16:44,264
I don't know her
that well.
441
00:16:44,351 --> 00:16:46,309
I'm just--
I'm bonin' her friend,
442
00:16:46,396 --> 00:16:48,224
and so I just
hang out with her.
443
00:16:48,311 --> 00:16:49,008
You know how you gotta
hang out
444
00:16:49,095 --> 00:16:51,097
with your girl's friends?
445
00:16:55,405 --> 00:16:58,278
Hmm.
446
00:16:58,365 --> 00:17:01,890
No, this is
the wrong remote.
447
00:17:01,977 --> 00:17:04,327
What must I do?
448
00:17:04,414 --> 00:17:05,633
What do you want
from me?
449
00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:07,939
Look, lady, this is
the wrong remote,
450
00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:09,332
and this is the right remote.
451
00:17:09,419 --> 00:17:12,074
Okay, you gotta get
the right remote.
452
00:17:12,161 --> 00:17:13,510
I had to find out I may
or may not have herpes
453
00:17:13,597 --> 00:17:15,469
to get this remote!
454
00:17:15,556 --> 00:17:16,905
Can I speak to
your manager, please?
455
00:17:16,992 --> 00:17:18,733
Oh, I am the manager.
456
00:17:18,820 --> 00:17:20,604
I also do billing,
installation, programming,
457
00:17:20,691 --> 00:17:22,302
and I compose
the "on hold" music.
458
00:17:22,389 --> 00:17:24,173
You composed this music?
459
00:17:24,260 --> 00:17:25,870
Oh, no, no, this is
the "waiting room" music.
460
00:17:25,957 --> 00:17:28,830
I composed that too.
461
00:17:28,917 --> 00:17:32,399
I'm actually the only
person who works here.
462
00:17:32,486 --> 00:17:34,531
Yikes.
463
00:17:34,618 --> 00:17:36,490
Okay, what are
my options?
464
00:17:36,577 --> 00:17:37,969
You can either mail in
a check for $1,000,
465
00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:40,407
or come in person
and pay $5.
466
00:17:40,494 --> 00:17:41,712
You're only the fifth person
ever to come in.
467
00:17:41,799 --> 00:17:44,367
Ugh, here.
468
00:17:44,454 --> 00:17:45,542
I can pay
in quarters, right?
469
00:17:45,629 --> 00:17:47,936
Oh, actually, no.
Our system's down
470
00:17:48,023 --> 00:17:49,459
and we only take nickels.
471
00:17:49,546 --> 00:17:51,940
Sorry.
472
00:17:52,027 --> 00:17:55,509
Oh, and you know what?
I hate your music.
473
00:17:55,596 --> 00:17:57,424
So do I.
474
00:17:57,511 --> 00:18:03,734
♪♪
475
00:18:03,821 --> 00:18:05,519
Oh, my God.
476
00:18:15,877 --> 00:18:17,922
Hey, Abidab,
477
00:18:18,009 --> 00:18:21,143
I really wanted to
apologize for last night.
478
00:18:21,230 --> 00:18:23,276
We don't need
to get into it.
479
00:18:23,363 --> 00:18:26,540
Well, I did make you
these bagel bites.
480
00:18:26,627 --> 00:18:28,281
I put 'em in the shape
of an "A" because
481
00:18:28,368 --> 00:18:30,500
I know how you like
to label your food.
482
00:18:30,587 --> 00:18:32,633
Listen, when you
came in last night,
483
00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:35,549
and-- and I was
touching myself...
484
00:18:35,636 --> 00:18:36,506
Can we please not?
485
00:18:36,593 --> 00:18:38,160
So...
Well, let me just--
486
00:18:38,247 --> 00:18:40,249
I really want to explain.
487
00:18:40,336 --> 00:18:41,685
See, I was pleasuring myself.
488
00:18:41,772 --> 00:18:42,860
I don't need to--
489
00:18:42,947 --> 00:18:44,775
I like to start off
slow, okay.
490
00:18:44,862 --> 00:18:47,169
And then I like to work
the tempo up and up and up.
491
00:18:47,256 --> 00:18:49,302
And I'll-- I'll lick a thumb...Seriously, I-- This is--
492
00:18:49,389 --> 00:18:50,781
... and then sort of
brush it lightly
493
00:18:50,868 --> 00:18:53,262
against the nipples.Why are we going over this?
494
00:18:53,349 --> 00:18:54,524
And then, there's a--
There's a--
495
00:18:54,611 --> 00:18:56,918
You know, in the taint,
or whatever you call it,
496
00:18:57,005 --> 00:18:58,485
there's a sort of
a bundle of nerves there.
497
00:18:58,572 --> 00:19:01,705
I like to apply pressure
to that slowly.
498
00:19:01,792 --> 00:19:04,360
And then right when I'm at
the finish, I squeeze the tip,
499
00:19:04,447 --> 00:19:07,276
then I press into
the taint, hard, hard, hard.
500
00:19:07,363 --> 00:19:09,235
And then I let go,
and it just--
501
00:19:09,322 --> 00:19:11,324
You know,
it-- it-- it--
502
00:19:11,411 --> 00:19:13,848
It's a very powerful
feeling.
503
00:19:13,935 --> 00:19:20,768
Whoa, cool shirt.
504
00:19:20,855 --> 00:19:22,248
[sighs heavily]
505
00:19:26,687 --> 00:19:28,123
You don't have to tell me
Sour Patch Kids are good.
506
00:19:28,210 --> 00:19:29,777
I know Sour Patch Kids
are good.
507
00:19:29,864 --> 00:19:32,258
Oh, Lincoln, I don't
have herpes,
508
00:19:32,345 --> 00:19:33,476
and neither do you--
that's hot.
509
00:19:33,563 --> 00:19:35,522
Ilana, there is a child
right here.
510
00:19:35,609 --> 00:19:37,698
Please.
We're in New York.
511
00:19:37,785 --> 00:19:39,178
And you're, like,
12, right?
512
00:19:39,265 --> 00:19:41,180
I'm seven, and you're
being inappropriate.
513
00:19:41,267 --> 00:19:42,920
Bitch, you're 22.
514
00:19:43,007 --> 00:19:46,576
Okay, listen,
your dentist and I, um,
515
00:19:46,663 --> 00:19:49,753
have been having...
sexual intercourse
516
00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:51,320
on the regular
for about five months--
517
00:19:51,407 --> 00:19:53,409
Ilana, it's been
a year and a half!
518
00:19:53,496 --> 00:19:55,542
For real?
18 months.
519
00:19:55,629 --> 00:19:58,284
God.
520
00:19:58,371 --> 00:20:00,286
Don't do drugs.
521
00:20:00,373 --> 00:20:02,288
That's--
That's the takeaway.
522
00:20:02,375 --> 00:20:03,680
Don't do drugs.
523
00:20:03,767 --> 00:20:06,161
It's like I have
no memories, man.
524
00:20:06,248 --> 00:20:07,728
I can't remember
a thing!
525
00:20:07,815 --> 00:20:10,470
I wake up, I'm like aah!
It's scary.
526
00:20:10,557 --> 00:20:12,646
I just, like, don't know
where I am a lot of the time.
527
00:20:12,733 --> 00:20:15,083
I can't find that remote.
I-- I--
528
00:20:15,170 --> 00:20:16,171
I'm missing hundreds
of pairs of underwear.
529
00:20:16,258 --> 00:20:17,346
Literally hundreds.
530
00:20:17,433 --> 00:20:18,826
You never found
the right remote?
531
00:20:18,913 --> 00:20:23,134
No, but wherever it is,
I hope it's happy.
532
00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:26,399
[heavy door slams]
533
00:20:26,486 --> 00:20:29,271
['50s doo-wop song playing]
534
00:20:29,358 --> 00:20:32,318
♪♪
535
00:20:40,630 --> 00:20:46,332
♪ And you were the one ♪
536
00:20:46,419 --> 00:20:49,465
♪ Oh oh oh ♪
537
00:20:49,552 --> 00:20:54,775
♪ I tremble inside... ♪
538
00:20:54,862 --> 00:21:00,694
♪♪
539
00:21:13,359 --> 00:21:16,318
[prolonged screaming]
540
00:21:26,197 --> 00:21:27,329
I understand.
37333
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