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1
00:00:01,868 --> 00:00:03,470
Hi, Galina, hey Tatiana.
2
00:00:03,570 --> 00:00:05,372
Hey, Yevgenya.
Hey.
3
00:00:05,472 --> 00:00:06,639
I love your braids.
Thank you.
4
00:00:06,740 --> 00:00:07,874
Here to wax
the usual spots?
5
00:00:07,974 --> 00:00:11,378
Yep, you know it.
Okay, follow me.
6
00:00:12,345 --> 00:00:13,446
Been a long time.
7
00:00:13,546 --> 00:00:14,714
Like a week.
8
00:00:14,814 --> 00:00:18,518
No, it's been,
like, three weeks.
9
00:00:18,651 --> 00:00:20,620
I'm sorry.
10
00:00:21,688 --> 00:00:23,356
Okay, this may hurt.
11
00:00:23,490 --> 00:00:25,392
My body's learned.
12
00:00:25,492 --> 00:00:29,229
Oh... kay.
13
00:00:29,329 --> 00:00:31,064
Whoa.
14
00:00:31,164 --> 00:00:32,966
Oh, my God.
15
00:00:33,066 --> 00:00:34,401
(woman)
First voice message.
16
00:00:34,534 --> 00:00:36,636
(woman)
Abbi, this one is
a great idea.
17
00:00:36,770 --> 00:00:38,772
What about an umbrella, but
it's connected to your clothes,
18
00:00:39,139 --> 00:00:39,839
so you don't
have to hold it?
19
00:00:39,939 --> 00:00:40,840
That'd be hot.
20
00:00:41,174 --> 00:00:42,709
Maybe draw it up?
21
00:00:42,742 --> 00:00:45,845
Abbi, there is a hot couch on
the corner of 4th and Avenue C.
22
00:00:45,945 --> 00:00:48,114
Do you need a couch?
I'm e-mailing you pics.
23
00:00:48,214 --> 00:00:50,183
Hey, girl, there's, like,
piss and blood on it.
24
00:00:50,283 --> 00:00:51,985
Okay, sorry to
bother you, bye!
25
00:00:52,152 --> 00:00:53,987
Abbi, Jaime's
coworker has a turtle
26
00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:55,221
and it just had
baby turtles.
27
00:00:55,321 --> 00:00:56,689
I thought maybe we
could each get one.
28
00:00:56,823 --> 00:00:59,325
So text me back if
you don't want a turtle.
29
00:00:59,426 --> 00:01:01,227
Hey, Ab, never mind about
that umbrella idea.
30
00:01:01,327 --> 00:01:03,263
I forgot there's
raincoats, duh.
31
00:01:03,363 --> 00:01:05,465
Abbi, hey, girl,
do me a favor.
32
00:01:05,565 --> 00:01:06,666
What's this song?
33
00:01:06,766 --> 00:01:09,836
(humming)
34
00:01:12,005 --> 00:01:14,507
♪ Four and three
and two and one-one ♪
35
00:01:14,641 --> 00:01:18,078
♪♪
36
00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:22,982
Hey, guys, so sorry to
interrupt, but Zandir,
37
00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:25,518
your instructor has
actually been missing
38
00:01:25,618 --> 00:01:27,220
for the last 48 hours.
39
00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:29,389
And Bryce, his sub,
is also missing.
40
00:01:29,556 --> 00:01:32,125
So power slide has been
canceled for today,
41
00:01:32,292 --> 00:01:34,461
but you're welcome to
stay and have an hour
42
00:01:34,561 --> 00:01:36,563
of free sliding, okay?
43
00:01:36,696 --> 00:01:37,931
(woman)
I can't believe this.
44
00:01:38,064 --> 00:01:39,732
If I don't slide,
my flaps will come back.
45
00:01:39,866 --> 00:01:42,402
Slide and glide
is all I have.
46
00:01:42,502 --> 00:01:44,471
Hey, guys, listen.
47
00:01:44,571 --> 00:01:47,140
I don't know. I work here
and I'm already at the front
48
00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:50,276
of the class, so
maybe I-- I could lead.
49
00:01:50,410 --> 00:01:51,644
I recognize you.
50
00:01:51,744 --> 00:01:52,912
You clean
the locker room.
51
00:01:53,012 --> 00:01:55,248
Okay, everyone doesn't
need to chime in, but,
52
00:01:55,381 --> 00:01:58,418
I would absolutely love
to be your instructor.
53
00:01:58,551 --> 00:02:00,186
Hi, hi.
54
00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:03,123
You know, it's always
been a dream of mine
55
00:02:03,223 --> 00:02:04,691
to teach a class
in this gym.
56
00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:07,093
It'd be such a rush of
power to experience that.
57
00:02:07,227 --> 00:02:09,329
It'd be wonderful.
I totally agree.
58
00:02:09,462 --> 00:02:10,763
I just want to
make sure everyone
59
00:02:10,897 --> 00:02:12,699
gets their money's worth,
'cause, like, I'm--
60
00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:15,702
I'm pretty close to being
a legit instructor, so...
61
00:02:15,802 --> 00:02:17,804
(coughing)
62
00:02:17,937 --> 00:02:20,673
Sorry, I'm so sorry.
63
00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:22,408
I would really love
to do this, you know.
64
00:02:22,542 --> 00:02:25,044
I mean, while
I'm still here.
65
00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:28,081
You, um, you
should do it.
66
00:02:28,214 --> 00:02:29,382
You should teach it.
67
00:02:29,482 --> 00:02:31,818
Great, let's do this.
Okay.
68
00:02:31,918 --> 00:02:34,287
Excuse me.
69
00:02:34,387 --> 00:02:37,857
You (bleep) ready
to slide and glide?
70
00:02:37,957 --> 00:02:40,894
Let's go for some
magic gliders!
71
00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:43,363
Come on, pussies!
72
00:02:45,365 --> 00:02:46,966
(woman)
Oh, God.
73
00:02:47,100 --> 00:02:48,168
Dude, what do you
think is worse?
74
00:02:48,268 --> 00:02:49,769
Constipation
or diarrhea?
75
00:02:49,869 --> 00:02:51,037
Constipation, I think.
76
00:02:51,137 --> 00:02:52,539
Diarrhea,
I'm like, okay.
77
00:02:52,672 --> 00:02:55,308
Uh, Ilana, you think
you could do me a favor
78
00:02:55,408 --> 00:02:57,076
and take all the
staples out of these?
79
00:02:57,210 --> 00:02:59,078
Then why did
I spend hours
80
00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:00,813
stapling all these
documents together?
81
00:03:00,947 --> 00:03:03,750
I even ran out halfway
through to buy more staples.
82
00:03:03,883 --> 00:03:06,920
You took an hour-and-
48-minute break.
83
00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:09,622
And we have a cabinet
full of staples here.
84
00:03:09,722 --> 00:03:11,391
All good points
by Nicole.
85
00:03:11,491 --> 00:03:13,359
I want to reiterate that no
one asked you to do that.
86
00:03:13,493 --> 00:03:19,632
In fact, I specifically said,
please, don't staple these.
87
00:03:19,732 --> 00:03:21,367
It's the same
piece of paper.
88
00:03:21,467 --> 00:03:23,203
The same piece
of paper.
89
00:03:23,303 --> 00:03:24,470
The same
piece of paper.
90
00:03:24,604 --> 00:03:26,573
You know what?
I'll just unstaple it.
91
00:03:26,706 --> 00:03:28,341
Come on, faster!
92
00:03:28,441 --> 00:03:29,943
What's wrong
with you people?
93
00:03:30,076 --> 00:03:31,177
Faster!
94
00:03:31,277 --> 00:03:33,780
Do it! Push it!
95
00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:35,448
Yes, Todd, what's up?
96
00:03:35,548 --> 00:03:37,650
Ilana, how come every
time I e-mail you,
97
00:03:37,750 --> 00:03:41,187
I get an out-of-office reply
that says you're in Mexico?
98
00:03:41,321 --> 00:03:43,656
Honestly, I do it to buy
myself some time because
99
00:03:43,756 --> 00:03:45,291
I am so overworked.
100
00:03:45,391 --> 00:03:47,260
We all are.
101
00:03:47,393 --> 00:03:49,662
Today I got
eight e-mails.
102
00:03:49,762 --> 00:03:51,698
Speaking of that,
you have to start using
103
00:03:51,831 --> 00:03:53,433
your company
e-mail address.
104
00:03:53,533 --> 00:03:54,634
Why, Todd?
105
00:03:54,767 --> 00:03:56,502
So I can be another
cog in your machine?
106
00:03:56,636 --> 00:03:57,704
What's my e-mail
gonna be?
107
00:03:57,837 --> 00:04:00,006
"Business at the
white man dot biz"?
108
00:04:00,106 --> 00:04:01,608
What's wrong with
my personal e-mail?
109
00:04:01,708 --> 00:04:05,511
It's "IlanaWexler
@MindMyVagina.com."
110
00:04:05,678 --> 00:04:07,580
How do you not see that
that's inappropriate?
111
00:04:07,714 --> 00:04:10,617
To remind every client
immediately of a vagina?
112
00:04:10,717 --> 00:04:14,120
And a mind, dude.
113
00:04:14,220 --> 00:04:15,188
Good job today.
114
00:04:15,321 --> 00:04:16,456
Nice work.
115
00:04:16,589 --> 00:04:17,690
You need to
work harder.
116
00:04:17,790 --> 00:04:19,759
I'm gonna be
on your ass.
117
00:04:19,892 --> 00:04:22,228
Hey, Janice, can I speak
with you for a second?
Yeah.
118
00:04:22,328 --> 00:04:23,830
You know, you're not an
official instructor here,
119
00:04:23,963 --> 00:04:25,965
but the way you took initiative
today was very Solstice.
120
00:04:26,065 --> 00:04:28,501
Would you ever consider
being a sub?
121
00:04:28,635 --> 00:04:29,669
Hey, Trey?
122
00:04:29,769 --> 00:04:30,837
They found Bryce
and Zandir.
123
00:04:30,970 --> 00:04:32,538
They're dead.
124
00:04:35,875 --> 00:04:38,811
Thank you, Jenna.
125
00:04:38,911 --> 00:04:40,213
Can you start today?
126
00:04:40,313 --> 00:04:42,482
I don't know, I mean,
it wasn't as much fun
127
00:04:42,582 --> 00:04:43,983
as I thought it
would be.
128
00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:46,185
But sure.
129
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:47,186
(Trey)
Great.
130
00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:48,488
Now, this
a sensitive question,
131
00:04:48,521 --> 00:04:50,556
but would your sickly
body allow for that?
132
00:04:50,657 --> 00:04:51,991
I can't afford to
lose another teacher.
133
00:04:52,091 --> 00:04:53,326
I'm sorry,
I don't follow.
134
00:04:53,426 --> 00:04:54,661
I mean, you clearly
have cancer.
135
00:04:54,761 --> 00:04:56,596
Don't be ashamed.
Oh, no.
136
00:04:56,696 --> 00:04:57,797
No, no, no.
137
00:04:57,897 --> 00:04:59,565
Me and my bandmates,
we shaved our heads
138
00:04:59,666 --> 00:05:01,200
to raise awareness
for our band.
139
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:04,704
We're going on tour.
Oh, cool.
140
00:05:04,837 --> 00:05:06,072
Oh Abbi, hey,
141
00:05:06,205 --> 00:05:07,507
I know you're not
working today,
142
00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:08,875
but we could really
use some Abbi magic.
143
00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:11,277
There's a pube situation in
the locker room that is...
144
00:05:11,377 --> 00:05:12,679
unprecedented.
145
00:05:12,779 --> 00:05:14,247
Oh, when there's
a pube situation,
146
00:05:14,347 --> 00:05:15,782
you call on old Abbi.
147
00:05:15,915 --> 00:05:17,250
When there's something
that actually matters,
148
00:05:17,383 --> 00:05:20,420
you just go
another way.
149
00:05:20,453 --> 00:05:23,323
Ilana, this thing that you
brought in for company morale?
150
00:05:23,456 --> 00:05:24,657
It's very distracting.
151
00:05:24,757 --> 00:05:26,993
You have to
take it down.
Hey, come on.
152
00:05:27,093 --> 00:05:31,230
Everybody loves it.
Everybody hates it!
153
00:05:34,033 --> 00:05:36,169
Oh, I love him.
154
00:05:36,269 --> 00:05:38,438
Come on, it's my job
to improve morale.
155
00:05:38,538 --> 00:05:41,541
No, it is your
job to do sales.
156
00:05:41,674 --> 00:05:43,943
Well, then I'd like to
transfer to corporate morale.
157
00:05:44,043 --> 00:05:47,013
Corporate morale is
not a department!
158
00:05:47,113 --> 00:05:49,215
It doesn't exist!
159
00:05:50,683 --> 00:05:51,617
God!
160
00:05:51,718 --> 00:05:53,653
Everybody's really
riding my ass today.
161
00:05:53,753 --> 00:05:56,656
I don't know how you keep
such a happy face on.
162
00:06:00,326 --> 00:06:02,795
Day 274.
163
00:06:02,895 --> 00:06:06,265
Five hours later, wearing
a napkin as a shirt,
164
00:06:06,432 --> 00:06:08,868
violently high.
165
00:06:10,203 --> 00:06:12,839
♪♪
166
00:06:12,972 --> 00:06:14,140
I'm becoming
a corporate yes man.
167
00:06:14,273 --> 00:06:16,142
I'm like, yes,
Mr. George Bush.
168
00:06:16,275 --> 00:06:18,311
Whatever you say,
Mr. George Bush.
169
00:06:18,444 --> 00:06:20,947
What?
I know, I know.
170
00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:23,750
Dick Cheney,
go easy on me, dude.
171
00:06:23,850 --> 00:06:26,486
Before I know it,
I'm gonna wake up and be 23
172
00:06:26,586 --> 00:06:28,287
and my life's gonna
be behind me.
173
00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:30,022
You know that
I'm 25, right?
174
00:06:30,156 --> 00:06:31,824
Abbi, you are ageless.
175
00:06:31,924 --> 00:06:33,326
That's a different
thing.
Okay.
176
00:06:33,426 --> 00:06:35,328
Okay, so what's this thing
you're doing tonight?
177
00:06:35,461 --> 00:06:38,297
Okay, so remember my hot
rich friend from NYU, Parker?
Yeah.
178
00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:41,167
So she invited me to this,
like, SoHo rooftop party
179
00:06:41,267 --> 00:06:43,603
and I know you're not gonna
want to go, but I have to,
180
00:06:43,703 --> 00:06:45,271
I need this.
No, no, no,
I want to go.
181
00:06:45,371 --> 00:06:46,406
I'm in.
Really?
182
00:06:46,506 --> 00:06:47,607
Yeah, I wanna go.
183
00:06:47,707 --> 00:06:48,941
Oh, my God, I thought
I'd have to go through
184
00:06:49,075 --> 00:06:50,643
a whole rigamarole
to get you to--
No, no, no.
185
00:06:50,743 --> 00:06:53,579
That's dope, dude.
Perfect opportunity to
introduce, like, the new me.
186
00:06:53,679 --> 00:06:55,314
Yeah.
No more
Mr. Nice Abbi,
187
00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:59,352
no more--no more cleaning
up other people's pubes.
188
00:06:59,452 --> 00:07:01,788
And, you know,
getting screwed by people
189
00:07:01,888 --> 00:07:04,056
that end up not
having cancer.
190
00:07:04,157 --> 00:07:05,625
No, I'm stepping--
I am stepping it up.
191
00:07:05,725 --> 00:07:07,560
From here on out,
I am stepping it up.
192
00:07:07,727 --> 00:07:08,661
If anyone's gonna pretend
like they have cancer,
193
00:07:08,795 --> 00:07:10,563
it's gonna be me.
194
00:07:10,696 --> 00:07:12,665
You know what?
I look too nice.
195
00:07:12,765 --> 00:07:13,699
You look really
nice, yeah.
196
00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:15,067
No, I look
like vanilla.
197
00:07:15,168 --> 00:07:18,271
Oh.
Let's go shopping.
198
00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:20,807
♪♪
199
00:07:26,479 --> 00:07:28,281
First one's fine,
I think.
Yeah.
200
00:07:28,414 --> 00:07:30,316
Your ass looks
incredible.
Okay.
201
00:07:30,416 --> 00:07:32,919
And your head
and body, too.
Thanks.
202
00:07:33,019 --> 00:07:36,155
But we all know who's
the star of the show here.
Ilana.
203
00:07:38,558 --> 00:07:42,228
That'll be $438.
204
00:07:42,328 --> 00:07:43,596
That's real.
205
00:07:43,696 --> 00:07:46,032
There.
206
00:07:46,165 --> 00:07:47,200
You know what?
It's good.
207
00:07:47,333 --> 00:07:49,902
This is a great day.
208
00:07:50,002 --> 00:07:51,838
Let me ask you
a quick question.
209
00:07:51,938 --> 00:07:55,208
What is your
return policy?
210
00:07:55,341 --> 00:07:56,776
It's 30 days.
211
00:07:56,876 --> 00:07:58,711
I will see you
in 30 days, then.
212
00:07:58,811 --> 00:08:00,613
Bitch!
213
00:08:00,713 --> 00:08:04,116
You still need to
sign the receipt.
214
00:08:04,217 --> 00:08:06,052
I would love
to do that.
215
00:08:06,185 --> 00:08:10,990
Sorry about that
communication mishap.
216
00:08:11,090 --> 00:08:12,325
Okay.
217
00:08:12,425 --> 00:08:15,361
♪♪
218
00:08:16,162 --> 00:08:19,232
♪♪
219
00:08:32,678 --> 00:08:34,013
You know what's cool
about this party?
220
00:08:34,113 --> 00:08:35,481
We're the sexiest
girls here.
221
00:08:35,581 --> 00:08:37,383
'Cause we have, like, the
fattest asses, you know?
222
00:08:37,483 --> 00:08:39,018
Like, we're the
most (bleep)-able.
223
00:08:39,185 --> 00:08:44,257
Yeah, I mean, look at all these
fashion chic basic bitches.
224
00:08:44,390 --> 00:08:46,292
I love your dress.
225
00:08:46,392 --> 00:08:48,628
Thank you so much,
I literally just bought it.
226
00:08:48,728 --> 00:08:50,963
So cute.
227
00:08:51,063 --> 00:08:52,431
Oh, my God,
there's Parker.
228
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,600
Parker, hey.
229
00:08:54,700 --> 00:08:56,469
Ilana.
230
00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:57,770
Ilana Wexler.
231
00:08:57,870 --> 00:08:59,205
From NYU.
232
00:08:59,338 --> 00:09:02,041
We were roommates
for a second.
233
00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:05,611
Oh, my God, Ilana,
you're so cute.
234
00:09:05,745 --> 00:09:07,313
So what's this party
for? It's amazing.
235
00:09:07,446 --> 00:09:08,781
It's for change.
236
00:09:08,915 --> 00:09:10,750
Okay.
237
00:09:10,883 --> 00:09:12,084
Ciao, Rodrigo!
238
00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:13,419
See ya.
239
00:09:13,519 --> 00:09:15,221
Damn, we are so
hot right now.
240
00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:18,324
Like, paparazzi
all up in our face.
241
00:09:18,457 --> 00:09:19,592
You know, sometimes I feel,
like, a million miles
242
00:09:19,692 --> 00:09:20,993
away from the office.
243
00:09:21,093 --> 00:09:23,095
You know, like that's robot
me and this is real me.
244
00:09:23,229 --> 00:09:24,697
I'm not a robot.
245
00:09:24,797 --> 00:09:26,265
Let's get drunk.
Yeah, yeah.
246
00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:29,168
Okay, cool.
Okay.
247
00:09:29,268 --> 00:09:31,170
Move, honk, honk.
248
00:09:31,270 --> 00:09:33,172
Pardon me.
249
00:09:33,306 --> 00:09:34,840
Out of the way,
clavicle.
250
00:09:35,007 --> 00:09:38,177
Okay, five-nine, I can't even,
like, deal with you right now.
251
00:09:38,277 --> 00:09:39,812
Oh, do you guys all
have drinks already?
252
00:09:39,946 --> 00:09:42,048
Maybe you should, then, get the
hell away from the bar, great.
253
00:09:42,148 --> 00:09:43,749
Is anyone even working
at this bar?
254
00:09:43,883 --> 00:09:47,186
Yes, hi.
255
00:09:47,286 --> 00:09:48,521
What can I get you?
256
00:09:48,621 --> 00:09:50,756
Um, I don't know,
what are the drinks?
257
00:09:50,890 --> 00:09:53,159
The West Nile Coolatta
is very popular,
258
00:09:53,259 --> 00:09:54,794
but I would recommend
the sex trafficking
259
00:09:54,927 --> 00:09:57,129
on the beach or
the tsunami slide.
260
00:09:57,263 --> 00:10:01,534
Well, I guess that I will
have two tsunami slides,
261
00:10:01,667 --> 00:10:04,737
even though that name, I think,
is a little bit ridiculous.
262
00:10:04,870 --> 00:10:08,174
Well, 6% of the proceeds
go to the tsunami.
263
00:10:08,274 --> 00:10:09,709
What tsunami?
264
00:10:09,809 --> 00:10:11,477
Whichever one
happens next.
265
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:15,681
Forward thinking,
I guess, then.
Or corruption.
266
00:10:15,781 --> 00:10:17,950
Can I interest anyone
in a dose of reality?
267
00:10:18,050 --> 00:10:20,353
Some mac and cheese ball
fried and truffoiled.
268
00:10:20,486 --> 00:10:23,756
Oh, yeah.
I am saying
yes to that.
269
00:10:23,889 --> 00:10:28,628
Just now a child in South
America died of starvation.
270
00:10:28,728 --> 00:10:31,230
Would you
like another?
271
00:10:31,364 --> 00:10:32,865
You know what?
I would.
Yeah.
272
00:10:33,032 --> 00:10:35,001
They're very good.
They're really good.
273
00:10:35,134 --> 00:10:36,369
Just now a child
in South Amer--
274
00:10:36,502 --> 00:10:38,938
Hold on, do you just have
one fact that you repeat?
275
00:10:39,105 --> 00:10:43,175
Well, you're the first people
to actually want a second.
276
00:10:44,710 --> 00:10:48,414
Wait!
Um, uh, right now--
277
00:10:48,514 --> 00:10:51,250
Just now, a child in South
America died of starvation.
278
00:10:51,384 --> 00:10:53,619
Thank you.
279
00:11:00,426 --> 00:11:01,594
This is the men's room.
280
00:11:01,694 --> 00:11:03,963
Adoy!
281
00:11:12,705 --> 00:11:14,173
Let's go, buddy!
282
00:11:14,306 --> 00:11:16,742
We got people with
full bladders out here.
283
00:11:16,842 --> 00:11:18,110
(man)
Occupied.
284
00:11:18,210 --> 00:11:19,345
No, no, no.
285
00:11:19,478 --> 00:11:20,880
Not today!
286
00:11:20,980 --> 00:11:23,449
What the hell?
287
00:11:23,549 --> 00:11:25,184
Well, well, well.
288
00:11:25,317 --> 00:11:27,820
What do we have here?
289
00:11:34,226 --> 00:11:35,094
Hey.
290
00:11:35,227 --> 00:11:37,430
Can you guys play
something else?
291
00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:40,866
This church bell techno song
still has 27 minutes left.
292
00:11:40,966 --> 00:11:42,334
When it's done,
can you play, like,
293
00:11:42,468 --> 00:11:44,370
I don't know,
'90s hip-hop?
294
00:11:44,503 --> 00:11:45,838
We've been asked
to play whale songs,
295
00:11:45,938 --> 00:11:47,373
so that's probably
not gonna happen.
296
00:11:47,473 --> 00:11:50,509
You know, I can't, like,
move my damn ass to this?
297
00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:52,178
You know what I mean?
It's like...
298
00:11:52,311 --> 00:11:54,914
Bad music.
299
00:11:55,014 --> 00:11:57,116
All right.
You know what?
300
00:11:57,216 --> 00:11:59,218
We can probably find
something for you.
301
00:11:59,318 --> 00:12:01,387
Cool.
I like that
"I Dream of Jeannie" hair.
302
00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:05,091
Thanks.
You grant wishes?
303
00:12:05,191 --> 00:12:07,259
You've only done
coke once?
304
00:12:07,393 --> 00:12:08,761
Ew.
Hey!
305
00:12:08,861 --> 00:12:12,431
I've cleaned more pubes than
you have on your entire body.
306
00:12:12,531 --> 00:12:15,434
I look at you for a second,
I can tell you got no pubes.
307
00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:18,104
You're right.
Damn right I'm right.
308
00:12:18,204 --> 00:12:19,972
I know when I'm right.
309
00:12:24,810 --> 00:12:28,447
Damn right I'm right!
310
00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:29,815
I should probably
give you some cash
311
00:12:29,915 --> 00:12:32,218
'cause I've coked
a lot of this.
312
00:12:32,351 --> 00:12:33,686
Life is infinite,
you know?
313
00:12:33,786 --> 00:12:35,187
I'm a collector
of experiences.
314
00:12:35,321 --> 00:12:37,590
We all are.
Oh, hundred
percent, bro.
315
00:12:37,723 --> 00:12:38,824
It's the truth.
316
00:12:38,958 --> 00:12:40,226
But tonight, it's like,
what could tonight lead to?
317
00:12:40,326 --> 00:12:42,661
Like, my friend Abbi--
she's--
Hang on.
318
00:12:42,795 --> 00:12:43,896
You got a friend?
319
00:12:43,996 --> 00:12:45,164
Who's a female?
320
00:12:45,264 --> 00:12:47,500
Yeah, chocolate brown
eyes, ass of an angel.
321
00:12:49,368 --> 00:12:51,971
Um, where's she at?
322
00:12:52,071 --> 00:12:54,373
♪ I can make you hot
like 600 degrees ♪
323
00:12:54,473 --> 00:12:56,142
♪ Miss Goosebumps ♪
324
00:12:56,242 --> 00:12:57,343
♪ Your knees twist ♪
325
00:12:57,443 --> 00:13:00,246
♪ You're now under
the influence ♪
326
00:13:00,346 --> 00:13:03,182
♪ What I mean is
make the pole bounce ♪
327
00:13:03,315 --> 00:13:05,518
♪ Make moves back
to the pad uhh ♪
328
00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:07,186
♪ You love the sound
of that ♪
329
00:13:07,286 --> 00:13:09,755
♪ So it must be... ♪
330
00:13:09,855 --> 00:13:12,091
♪ You down
use the town... ♪♪
331
00:13:12,258 --> 00:13:13,359
♪ Miss Cindy ♪
332
00:13:13,492 --> 00:13:15,194
♪ She a sexy little
thing Miss Cindy ♪
333
00:13:15,294 --> 00:13:16,228
♪ She a sexy
little thing... ♪♪
334
00:13:16,328 --> 00:13:17,396
Ab!
335
00:13:17,496 --> 00:13:18,931
Oh, man, look at
this spot I got.
336
00:13:19,064 --> 00:13:21,200
Okay, there's these,
like, DJs and they're,
337
00:13:21,333 --> 00:13:23,135
like, cute, but like
douchey but cute and--
338
00:13:23,235 --> 00:13:24,737
What's going on?
(Abbi)
Hey.
339
00:13:24,870 --> 00:13:27,740
Ho, whoa.
Ooh.
340
00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:30,209
That is some soft
skin right there.
341
00:13:30,309 --> 00:13:31,777
What kind of
lotion do you use?
342
00:13:31,877 --> 00:13:33,112
You know, like,
normal stuff.
343
00:13:33,245 --> 00:13:34,513
Yeah, like Occitane?
344
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:39,585
Yeah, oh you, yeah.
345
00:13:39,718 --> 00:13:42,955
Oh my God,
oh, oh, my God.
346
00:13:43,088 --> 00:13:44,590
You guys, we need to get
the hell out of here.
347
00:13:44,690 --> 00:13:46,025
Let's do it.
Oh, you guys are--
348
00:13:46,125 --> 00:13:47,526
You're working,
you gotta spin.
349
00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:49,762
No, not really.
No, no, no, it's
a playlist on shuffle.
350
00:13:49,862 --> 00:13:51,964
We can leave
whenever we want.
351
00:13:52,097 --> 00:13:53,966
Okay.
Let's go.
352
00:13:54,133 --> 00:13:55,401
I gotta say goodbye
to all my friends.
353
00:13:55,501 --> 00:13:56,468
Bye, guys.
354
00:13:56,569 --> 00:13:59,338
Great.
355
00:13:59,438 --> 00:14:02,041
(Ilana)
Okay, just a couple
more, I think.
356
00:14:02,141 --> 00:14:03,576
Oh, my God.
357
00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:07,446
(Abbi)
I can't even believe
I just did seven flights.
358
00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:10,549
God, just hold on.
359
00:14:12,184 --> 00:14:14,053
A lot of flights.
360
00:14:14,153 --> 00:14:16,121
Welcome.
Okay.
361
00:14:16,222 --> 00:14:18,357
Okay.
362
00:14:21,126 --> 00:14:23,796
How do you do
this every day?
363
00:14:26,498 --> 00:14:29,068
(both)
Nice backpack.
364
00:14:33,005 --> 00:14:34,773
You guys have a really
great apartment.
365
00:14:34,907 --> 00:14:36,275
So many cool pieces.
366
00:14:36,375 --> 00:14:37,810
Great, like,
cabinets and--
367
00:14:37,943 --> 00:14:39,078
Right, enough.
368
00:14:39,211 --> 00:14:40,713
Beard, where
your room at?
369
00:14:40,813 --> 00:14:43,148
Right back there
on the right.
Oh, God, finally.
370
00:14:43,282 --> 00:14:45,384
Later.
371
00:14:46,452 --> 00:14:47,453
Oops.
372
00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:49,154
That's too many.
373
00:14:49,255 --> 00:14:51,190
You wanna?
Yeah, sure, okay.
374
00:14:51,290 --> 00:14:53,459
Yeah? Okay.
375
00:14:57,129 --> 00:14:58,163
That's dope.
376
00:14:58,264 --> 00:15:01,166
That's my art.
Oh, cool.
377
00:15:04,737 --> 00:15:06,338
What is this?
378
00:15:06,472 --> 00:15:07,406
That's a little
embarrassing.
379
00:15:07,539 --> 00:15:08,741
That's my
grandfather's sweater.
380
00:15:08,841 --> 00:15:11,844
He's dead and this is the
last thing of his I have.
381
00:15:12,011 --> 00:15:13,279
Sometimes I sleep
in it, you know,
382
00:15:13,379 --> 00:15:14,513
it just reminds
you of him.
383
00:15:14,613 --> 00:15:16,715
Would you put it on?
384
00:15:16,815 --> 00:15:19,118
Sure.
385
00:15:19,218 --> 00:15:20,819
Were you, like,
close with him?
386
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:23,088
He was, like, my best
friend, you know?
387
00:15:23,188 --> 00:15:24,657
We did tons of
stuff together.
388
00:15:24,757 --> 00:15:27,726
He taught me how to fish,
skip stones, whittle.
389
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:30,663
Did you, like, cry,
when he died?
390
00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:32,031
Can I be honest
with you?
391
00:15:32,131 --> 00:15:34,333
Please.
392
00:15:34,466 --> 00:15:35,434
I cried so hard
I thought I didn't
393
00:15:35,567 --> 00:15:37,469
have any more tears
left in me.
394
00:15:37,603 --> 00:15:38,871
Oh, my God.
395
00:15:39,004 --> 00:15:40,372
He was like my best
friend, you know?
396
00:15:40,506 --> 00:15:41,774
And my worst enemy.
397
00:15:41,907 --> 00:15:44,176
Totally.
398
00:15:49,348 --> 00:15:51,283
Wait, wait,
wait, wait.
399
00:15:51,417 --> 00:15:53,218
I want to take
this slow.
400
00:15:53,319 --> 00:15:54,887
It's gonna take a long
time to get my dress off,
401
00:15:55,020 --> 00:15:56,221
so that's gonna--
402
00:15:56,322 --> 00:15:58,557
It's kind of
super slow.
403
00:16:09,835 --> 00:16:10,769
You know what?
404
00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:12,271
We should go up to the
roof, the view is sick.
405
00:16:12,371 --> 00:16:13,405
Okay.
406
00:16:13,539 --> 00:16:15,774
It sounds super
sexy and romantic.
407
00:16:15,874 --> 00:16:18,210
So romantic.
408
00:16:29,455 --> 00:16:30,622
Oh, my God,
what the--
409
00:16:30,723 --> 00:16:31,890
Holy shit!
What?
410
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:32,591
Are you kidding me?
411
00:16:33,592 --> 00:16:34,760
I just don't
really understand.
412
00:16:34,893 --> 00:16:36,195
What'd you guys think?
413
00:16:36,328 --> 00:16:38,464
That we were just gonna, like,
make out up here all together?
414
00:16:38,564 --> 00:16:39,999
No!
415
00:16:40,099 --> 00:16:42,601
I just came up here 'cause the
view is so beautiful, like you.
416
00:16:42,701 --> 00:16:44,136
Yeah, I was like,
oh, my God.
417
00:16:44,269 --> 00:16:45,437
I gotta take this
gorgeous girl
418
00:16:45,571 --> 00:16:47,206
up to see my
gorgeous view.
419
00:16:47,339 --> 00:16:49,174
Yeah, it's the best
part of our apartment,
420
00:16:49,274 --> 00:16:53,078
so we were both just taking
advantage of the-- the view.
421
00:16:53,212 --> 00:16:55,781
I swear to God, dudes, this
was an honest mistake.
422
00:16:55,914 --> 00:16:58,584
Let me talk to you.
423
00:16:58,717 --> 00:17:00,552
I don't know,
I mean...
424
00:17:00,652 --> 00:17:02,654
Ilana, he
swore to God.
425
00:17:02,788 --> 00:17:04,923
What are you,
a Christian, dude?
426
00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:07,826
No, I'm not Christian,
but I respect
427
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,429
swearing to some--
higher--
428
00:17:10,562 --> 00:17:11,697
Why, do you want
to leave?
429
00:17:11,797 --> 00:17:13,399
No, no, I want
to stay.
430
00:17:13,432 --> 00:17:15,034
I'm, like, so
hard right now.
431
00:17:15,167 --> 00:17:16,902
Ew, you're hard?
432
00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:18,637
Yeah, I know you don't
like the word "horny."
433
00:17:18,771 --> 00:17:20,039
No, I don't like
the word "horny,"
434
00:17:20,172 --> 00:17:22,975
but I'm not a big fan of
"hard," either, for a lady.
435
00:17:23,108 --> 00:17:24,410
Listen, I think
that this was just
436
00:17:24,510 --> 00:17:27,012
a big misunderstanding.
437
00:17:27,146 --> 00:17:28,747
All right.
Okay, that's fine.
438
00:17:28,847 --> 00:17:30,182
We're in.
We're done.
439
00:17:30,282 --> 00:17:31,483
We understand,
it's a coincidence.
440
00:17:31,583 --> 00:17:32,684
You're not creepy,
you're cute.
441
00:17:32,818 --> 00:17:34,686
All right,
we're back in?
Yeah!
442
00:17:34,820 --> 00:17:36,889
(man)
Okay.
443
00:17:36,989 --> 00:17:38,824
Yeah, that's good.
444
00:17:38,924 --> 00:17:41,827
Oh, your beard,
oh, my God.
445
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:44,329
Oh, yeah.
446
00:17:44,430 --> 00:17:46,031
Oh.
447
00:17:46,165 --> 00:17:48,000
Sweet like candy.
448
00:17:48,033 --> 00:17:50,602
I eat sour straws
like every day.
449
00:17:50,736 --> 00:17:53,205
Watermelon?
450
00:17:59,511 --> 00:18:00,746
You're sweet
like candy.
451
00:18:00,846 --> 00:18:02,948
No, you are.
452
00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:05,317
You are.
I'm what?
453
00:18:05,417 --> 00:18:06,785
You are sweet--
454
00:18:06,885 --> 00:18:08,153
Wait, wait.
455
00:18:08,253 --> 00:18:10,889
Maybe you could,
um, just--
456
00:18:11,023 --> 00:18:12,758
I don't want to do, like,
a full circle thing.
457
00:18:12,858 --> 00:18:15,427
Oh, okay, okay.
458
00:18:19,698 --> 00:18:20,999
Hey, bro.
Hey.
459
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:22,534
Shower's all set,
you ready to go?
460
00:18:22,634 --> 00:18:23,902
Yeah, awesome.
461
00:18:24,002 --> 00:18:26,038
I feel so gross.
462
00:18:26,138 --> 00:18:27,539
Not from you, just from
the bar and the--
463
00:18:27,639 --> 00:18:30,476
Hey, shut up.
464
00:18:30,576 --> 00:18:33,312
I love smelly girls.
465
00:18:33,412 --> 00:18:36,448
(moaning)
466
00:18:47,259 --> 00:18:49,228
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
467
00:18:49,328 --> 00:18:52,264
What are you doing?
(screaming)
468
00:18:52,397 --> 00:18:54,500
What are you doing?
Guys, guys.
469
00:18:54,633 --> 00:18:56,935
This is just a hilarious
coincidence.
470
00:18:57,035 --> 00:18:58,837
I know, maybe we should
just go with it.
471
00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:00,906
Oh, God!
No, we are not
going with it.
472
00:19:01,039 --> 00:19:02,474
You suck!
You're kidding me!
473
00:19:02,608 --> 00:19:05,444
You asses!
Insane.
474
00:19:08,947 --> 00:19:11,183
Of course you're not
supposed to go home with DJs.
475
00:19:11,316 --> 00:19:12,451
Ow!
Or roommates.
476
00:19:12,584 --> 00:19:13,719
You got my hair,
you got my hair.
477
00:19:13,819 --> 00:19:15,854
Don't rip it, I still
want to return this.
478
00:19:15,988 --> 00:19:17,956
Oh, well,
well, well.
479
00:19:18,056 --> 00:19:19,958
What's happening here?
480
00:19:20,058 --> 00:19:22,928
Can you throw
on some sweats?
481
00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:26,398
It's insane.
482
00:19:26,498 --> 00:19:28,667
I mean, maybe I should just
do J-Date or something.
483
00:19:28,767 --> 00:19:29,801
Just, like, you
can't meet people
484
00:19:29,902 --> 00:19:31,170
and just go
home with them.
485
00:19:31,270 --> 00:19:32,871
...Kill us.
486
00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:35,340
Hold on a second,
there's an elevator?
487
00:19:35,507 --> 00:19:37,276
You guys made us walk
up eight flights of stairs,
488
00:19:37,409 --> 00:19:40,445
you sick (bleep)!
489
00:19:40,546 --> 00:19:42,881
Get away!
490
00:19:42,915 --> 00:19:45,384
(Abbi)
(bleep) weirdos.
491
00:19:45,484 --> 00:19:47,052
We were so close.
I know.
492
00:19:47,152 --> 00:19:48,787
Ugh.
You know what,
though?
493
00:19:48,887 --> 00:19:51,356
Three out of 12 is still
a respectable number.
494
00:19:51,490 --> 00:19:52,624
I'm happy with it.
495
00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:53,058
to
496
00:19:53,058 --> 00:19:53,091
to b
497
00:19:53,091 --> 00:19:53,125
to be
498
00:19:53,125 --> 00:19:53,158
to be ba
499
00:19:53,158 --> 00:19:53,192
to be back
500
00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:53,225
to be back i
501
00:19:53,225 --> 00:19:53,325
to be back in
502
00:19:53,325 --> 00:19:53,358
to be back in
th
503
00:19:53,358 --> 00:19:53,392
to be back in
the
504
00:19:53,392 --> 00:19:53,425
to be back in
the of
505
00:19:53,425 --> 00:19:53,458
to be back in
the offi
506
00:19:53,458 --> 00:19:53,492
to be back in
the office
507
00:19:53,492 --> 00:19:53,525
to be back in
the office i
508
00:19:53,525 --> 00:19:53,559
to be back in
the office in
509
00:19:53,559 --> 00:19:53,592
to be back in
the office in si
510
00:19:53,592 --> 00:19:53,625
to be back in
the office in six
511
00:19:53,625 --> 00:19:53,659
to be back in
the office in six ho
512
00:19:53,659 --> 00:19:53,692
to be back in
the office in six hour
513
00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:53,725
to be back in
the office in six hours.
514
00:19:56,895 --> 00:19:58,797
What a waste.
515
00:19:58,897 --> 00:20:01,099
Thanks a lot,
Halliburton.
516
00:20:01,233 --> 00:20:03,001
What does Halliburton have
to do with your work?
517
00:20:03,101 --> 00:20:04,570
I-- I don't know.
518
00:20:04,703 --> 00:20:06,171
I don't know.
Okay.
519
00:20:06,271 --> 00:20:07,739
I'm just pissed, dude.
520
00:20:07,839 --> 00:20:10,008
I'm pissed though guys, like,
thought they had to trick us.
521
00:20:10,142 --> 00:20:12,077
Agreed.
You know, with bells
and whistles.
522
00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:13,745
Meanwhile, if they'd
just been direct,
523
00:20:13,879 --> 00:20:15,547
we would have been
down and open-minded--
524
00:20:15,647 --> 00:20:17,015
We would not
have been down.
525
00:20:17,115 --> 00:20:18,650
I would not have
done that.
526
00:20:18,784 --> 00:20:21,119
I mean an orgy in
a non-sexual way.
527
00:20:21,253 --> 00:20:23,155
Just for, like, the Arc
de Triomphe, that's it.
528
00:20:23,288 --> 00:20:25,190
What's an
Arc de Triomphe?
529
00:20:25,290 --> 00:20:28,293
It's when two dudes go down on
us, this is how I picture it.
530
00:20:28,393 --> 00:20:32,965
And they're butt to butt and
then you and I do Oprah hands.
531
00:20:34,666 --> 00:20:36,568
Oh, I see, I see now.
532
00:20:36,702 --> 00:20:38,103
Totally non-sexual.
533
00:20:38,203 --> 00:20:40,205
We just stare at
each other, right?
534
00:20:40,305 --> 00:20:42,040
As the dudes go down on
us at the same time?
535
00:20:42,140 --> 00:20:43,842
Yeah, exactly.
So we're making
a lot of eye contact.
536
00:20:44,009 --> 00:20:46,245
Exactly, it's like
a feminism thing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
537
00:20:46,345 --> 00:20:49,281
I'm being sarcastic.
Oh, yeah.
538
00:20:54,386 --> 00:20:54,419
d
539
00:20:54,419 --> 00:20:54,453
da
540
00:20:54,453 --> 00:20:54,486
da ma
541
00:20:54,486 --> 00:20:54,586
da man
542
00:20:54,586 --> 00:20:54,620
da man
go
543
00:20:54,620 --> 00:20:54,653
da man
go g
544
00:20:54,653 --> 00:20:54,686
da man
go get
545
00:20:54,686 --> 00:20:54,720
da man
go get h
546
00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:54,753
da man
go get her
547
00:20:54,753 --> 00:20:54,786
da man
go get her
548
00:20:54,786 --> 00:20:54,820
da man
go get her ♪
549
00:20:56,221 --> 00:20:57,856
♪ King Kong ain't
got nothing on me ♪
550
00:20:57,990 --> 00:20:59,124
♪ I gorilla ♪
551
00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:01,093
♪ Take it home tight
girls on my line ♪
552
00:21:01,226 --> 00:21:02,961
♪ Saying can you
take me home tonight ♪
553
00:21:03,095 --> 00:21:04,229
♪ 'Cause I keep
the crowd rockin' ♪
554
00:21:04,363 --> 00:21:05,697
♪ Every time
I'm on the mic ♪
555
00:21:05,797 --> 00:21:07,099
♪ I'm out of
this world ♪
556
00:21:07,199 --> 00:21:08,734
♪ Out of mind
out of sight ♪♪
71916
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