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1
00:00:02,263 --> 00:00:03,829
I can't really
imagine what it's like
2
00:00:03,916 --> 00:00:05,483
for people with
blue eyes.
3
00:00:05,570 --> 00:00:07,964
No idea, and I'm feeling
like a fucking freak!
4
00:00:08,051 --> 00:00:10,923
Exactly, dude, it's like...
I think they can see backwards,
5
00:00:11,011 --> 00:00:14,014
like into the eye.
6
00:00:14,101 --> 00:00:15,232
Is that your vaporizer?
7
00:00:17,495 --> 00:00:19,149
Vapelife.
8
00:00:19,236 --> 00:00:22,022
Man, I wanna
get high.
9
00:00:22,109 --> 00:00:24,198
Here.
10
00:00:27,418 --> 00:00:29,029
No, that does
not work.
11
00:00:29,116 --> 00:00:31,553
You can keep trying, but
it's never gonna work.
12
00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:33,337
I'll come over and
smoke you right up.
13
00:00:33,424 --> 00:00:36,645
Okay, and then
we can go to BBB!
14
00:00:36,732 --> 00:00:38,212
Peace.
15
00:00:38,299 --> 00:00:40,301
[reverberating]
16
00:00:44,957 --> 00:00:45,958
[Matt]
Hey Ab--
17
00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:48,396
I've been
meaning to ask--
18
00:00:48,483 --> 00:00:51,007
I'm missing like
a bunch of my undies.
19
00:00:51,094 --> 00:00:52,835
So I had an envelope
up here with all of
20
00:00:52,922 --> 00:00:54,097
my Bed, Bath &
Beyond coupons.
21
00:00:54,184 --> 00:00:55,446
I can't find it.
22
00:00:55,533 --> 00:00:57,100
I threw them away,
they were all expired.
23
00:00:57,187 --> 00:01:02,018
Bed, Bath & Beyond
coupons never expire.
24
00:01:02,105 --> 00:01:03,672
They have expiration
dates on them.
25
00:01:03,759 --> 00:01:06,457
Yeah, to-- to
throw idiots off!
26
00:01:06,544 --> 00:01:08,024
Where do you think all
this stuff comes from?
27
00:01:08,111 --> 00:01:10,026
You think someone
drops it off?
28
00:01:10,113 --> 00:01:12,159
No!This is Bed,
Bath & Beyond?
29
00:01:12,246 --> 00:01:14,161
Yeah! Dude, they
sell lots of stuff.
30
00:01:14,248 --> 00:01:16,598
You just threw
away bowls,
31
00:01:16,685 --> 00:01:20,384
maybe coffee filters,
a-- a new ottoman!
32
00:01:20,471 --> 00:01:21,864
Well, you asked me
to clean the fridge.
33
00:01:21,951 --> 00:01:24,475
The inside of
the fridge.
34
00:01:24,562 --> 00:01:25,824
The inside of
the fridge is fine.
35
00:01:25,911 --> 00:01:28,523
It's all those junky coupons
on top that had to go.
36
00:01:28,610 --> 00:01:30,351
That's totally
on me, I guess.
37
00:01:30,438 --> 00:01:32,483
Can't even do chores
around the house!
38
00:01:32,570 --> 00:01:35,443
Hey!I will not buy a Sodastream
full price, Bevers!
39
00:01:35,530 --> 00:01:36,835
I will not do it!
40
00:01:36,922 --> 00:01:38,533
♪ Four and three
and two and one ♪
41
00:01:38,620 --> 00:01:41,971
♪♪
42
00:01:47,063 --> 00:01:48,847
Yeah.Oh, yeah.
43
00:01:52,503 --> 00:01:55,289
[grunting]
44
00:01:55,376 --> 00:01:58,640
Ooh!
45
00:01:58,727 --> 00:02:00,685
Oh, my God.
46
00:02:00,772 --> 00:02:02,861
[Abbi]
Um, Ilana...Yeah?
47
00:02:02,948 --> 00:02:05,603
You just pulled a bag
of pot out of your vagina.
48
00:02:05,690 --> 00:02:07,039
I know.
49
00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:08,476
Why-- why would
you do that?
50
00:02:08,563 --> 00:02:10,478
I do it all the time.
51
00:02:10,565 --> 00:02:12,523
Honestly, it's the
safest way to travel.
52
00:02:12,610 --> 00:02:17,789
Apparently, I have been
smoking this tainted weed
53
00:02:17,876 --> 00:02:18,834
for I don't even
know how long.
54
00:02:18,921 --> 00:02:20,052
I didn't mean that.
55
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:21,489
It's just
disturbing to me.
56
00:02:21,576 --> 00:02:22,838
I don't-- I don't know
what to tell you.
57
00:02:22,925 --> 00:02:24,709
It's in a bag.
58
00:02:24,796 --> 00:02:28,278
And, you know, the "vaya-nya"
is nature's pocket.
59
00:02:28,365 --> 00:02:30,498
It's-- it's natural,
and it's responsible.
60
00:02:30,585 --> 00:02:32,804
I shouldn't even be
bumming off of you.
61
00:02:32,891 --> 00:02:34,937
[Ilana]
Oh, who cares?No, I'm an adult.
62
00:02:35,024 --> 00:02:36,373
I should be buying
my own pot.
63
00:02:36,460 --> 00:02:38,767
Wow!
64
00:02:38,854 --> 00:02:41,465
Never thought this day
would come, you know?
65
00:02:41,552 --> 00:02:45,295
I would be honored and
pleasured to facilitate this.
66
00:02:45,382 --> 00:02:46,427
No, no, no.
67
00:02:46,514 --> 00:02:47,732
None of your dudes.
68
00:02:47,819 --> 00:02:49,604
I wanna get my
own pot, okay?
69
00:02:49,691 --> 00:02:52,302
I'm not gonna be like holding my
mommy's hand while I buy drugs.
70
00:02:52,389 --> 00:02:53,956
I can do this.[Ilana]
You know what
I'm gonna do?
71
00:02:54,043 --> 00:02:56,088
I'm gonna be a grown-ass woman
and do my taxes for once,
72
00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:59,657
without my
mommy and daddy.
73
00:02:59,744 --> 00:03:02,007
[laughing]
74
00:03:02,094 --> 00:03:05,097
Get it, bitch.I'm gonna call some
old college buds,
75
00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:07,317
a buncha weed-heads.
76
00:03:07,404 --> 00:03:08,797
Hit 'em up!
77
00:03:08,884 --> 00:03:10,668
I'm gonna get
those taxes did.
78
00:03:10,755 --> 00:03:12,801
I'll hop on the Q18, catch the
N and then transfer to the R,
79
00:03:12,888 --> 00:03:16,196
and get home in a tight 95
'cause the G ain't runnin'.
80
00:03:16,283 --> 00:03:17,762
Whoa!
81
00:03:17,849 --> 00:03:19,547
Um, but it was because
someone jumped on the tracks
82
00:03:19,634 --> 00:03:21,549
to kill themselves,
so it's really sad.
83
00:03:21,636 --> 00:03:22,724
Love ya, bitch!
84
00:03:22,811 --> 00:03:24,204
That really is sad.
85
00:03:24,291 --> 00:03:26,423
♪♪
86
00:03:42,352 --> 00:03:43,527
I mean, good luck
with the trial.
87
00:03:43,614 --> 00:03:45,747
I'll be sendin'
positive vibes.
88
00:03:45,834 --> 00:03:46,617
Okay, all right.
89
00:03:46,704 --> 00:03:48,315
Bye.
90
00:03:52,493 --> 00:03:54,756
[cell phone vibrating]
91
00:03:54,843 --> 00:03:56,410
Oh!
92
00:03:56,497 --> 00:03:58,412
[woman]
Abbi? Cheese?
93
00:03:58,499 --> 00:03:59,761
Cheese.
94
00:03:59,848 --> 00:04:02,459
No one's called me
Cheese in, like, forever.
95
00:04:02,546 --> 00:04:06,420
Um, I'm just callin' 'cause
I was curious if you were still,
96
00:04:06,507 --> 00:04:10,859
you know, like sellin'
the greenery, 'cause, um,
97
00:04:10,946 --> 00:04:14,210
'cause I'm lookin' to buy
some greenery, so...
98
00:04:14,297 --> 00:04:16,778
You still smoke pot?
99
00:04:16,865 --> 00:04:18,910
Oh, Abbi.
100
00:04:18,997 --> 00:04:21,261
This is a prank call! Bye!
101
00:04:21,348 --> 00:04:23,872
So sad.[kids screaming]
102
00:04:23,959 --> 00:04:27,136
[sighs]
103
00:04:27,223 --> 00:04:29,443
I know, mommy knows.
104
00:04:34,143 --> 00:04:36,406
Jaimé, you deserve to
be a citizen so hard.
105
00:04:36,493 --> 00:04:38,539
You are so good
at doing my taxes.
106
00:04:38,626 --> 00:04:40,192
Totally is
a privilege for me.
107
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:43,326
You know, 'cause taxes
pay for the gayest stuff.
108
00:04:43,413 --> 00:04:45,023
Okay, who pays for
the library? Taxes.
109
00:04:45,110 --> 00:04:46,851
Parks? Beaches?
110
00:04:46,938 --> 00:04:48,853
The Army.Hello?
111
00:04:48,940 --> 00:04:50,986
Oh, and they pay for the
policemen and the firemen, too,
112
00:04:51,073 --> 00:04:52,422
if you think about it.That's right.
113
00:04:54,685 --> 00:04:58,036
I just can't wait for the day
that I walk by a policeman,
114
00:04:58,123 --> 00:04:59,473
and I tell him,
115
00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:02,476
"I pay for
your outfit."Oh, my God.
116
00:05:02,563 --> 00:05:05,261
You're gonna pay for
a lot of outfits.
117
00:05:05,348 --> 00:05:08,003
♪♪
118
00:05:08,090 --> 00:05:10,353
[Abbi]
Weed?
119
00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:12,616
You have any marijuana?
120
00:05:12,703 --> 00:05:17,012
Pot? Pot?
121
00:05:17,099 --> 00:05:18,230
I can find somebody.
122
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:20,885
It shouldn't
be that hard.
123
00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:24,149
Weed?Yeah, weed.
124
00:05:24,236 --> 00:05:26,804
I mean, weed, yeah.
125
00:05:26,891 --> 00:05:28,632
How much?
126
00:05:28,719 --> 00:05:30,373
Um, I was thinking
like an eighth.
127
00:05:30,460 --> 00:05:31,679
Okay, I was gonna say,
like, a quarter.
128
00:05:31,766 --> 00:05:33,724
Wow, okay.
129
00:05:33,811 --> 00:05:36,727
I mean, I wasn't
prepared for that much.
130
00:05:36,814 --> 00:05:39,861
Is-- is that what
you need me to do?
131
00:05:39,948 --> 00:05:43,299
It's what I'd like.Okay.
132
00:05:43,386 --> 00:05:45,301
How much would
that be?
133
00:05:45,388 --> 00:05:46,433
You tell me.
134
00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:47,477
Am I naming my
own price here,
135
00:05:47,564 --> 00:05:49,000
like, what--
I don't know.
136
00:05:49,087 --> 00:05:50,611
That's-- that's
what dealers do.
137
00:05:50,698 --> 00:05:53,831
Wait, do you think
that I'm the dealer?
138
00:05:53,918 --> 00:05:55,572
You walk around the
park sayin', "Weed,"
139
00:05:55,659 --> 00:05:57,835
and "Pot," people think
you're a--
140
00:05:57,922 --> 00:06:00,621
Or they could think that
you were looking for it.
141
00:06:00,708 --> 00:06:02,274
So...
142
00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:06,235
♪♪
143
00:06:06,322 --> 00:06:08,411
Hey, um, so
Jaimé and I are
144
00:06:08,498 --> 00:06:11,806
working pretty hard to suck
Uncle Sam's D up in here,
145
00:06:11,893 --> 00:06:14,678
but we ran into
like a pickle, wall--
146
00:06:14,765 --> 00:06:15,766
I don't know what
the saying is.
147
00:06:15,853 --> 00:06:18,595
Um, we got the W2's
and the W9's,
148
00:06:18,682 --> 00:06:20,118
but where do we get
three through eight? Dude, I don't know.
149
00:06:20,205 --> 00:06:22,599
You get the things you get, you
sign 'em, and you send 'em back.
150
00:06:22,686 --> 00:06:24,601
She doesn't know,
and she is mean.
151
00:06:24,688 --> 00:06:26,168
[Abbi]
I'm sorry that
I snapped.
152
00:06:26,255 --> 00:06:28,039
I'm in a bad mood.
153
00:06:28,126 --> 00:06:30,781
I'm just-- I'm having a really
hard time finding weed, okay?
154
00:06:30,868 --> 00:06:33,393
Oh, I'm sorry.
155
00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:35,003
I think I'm gonna
give up on this.
156
00:06:35,090 --> 00:06:36,613
This is like-- it was
a longshot to begin with.
157
00:06:36,700 --> 00:06:38,354
I mean, like, who
do I think I am?
158
00:06:38,441 --> 00:06:42,140
Heard you were looking
for some... pizza.
159
00:06:42,227 --> 00:06:46,318
Pizza?Yeah, grandma, pizza.
160
00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:47,668
Pot.
161
00:06:47,755 --> 00:06:50,279
Oh, okay.
162
00:06:50,366 --> 00:06:51,759
Who are you
Alex P. Keaton?
163
00:06:51,846 --> 00:06:52,934
Do you want
the pizza or not?
164
00:06:53,021 --> 00:06:54,370
Yeah, yeah,
I want it.
165
00:06:54,457 --> 00:06:55,676
Ilana, I got
the pizza.
166
00:06:55,763 --> 00:06:56,894
Pizza?
167
00:06:56,981 --> 00:06:58,026
Yeah, that's what the
kids are callin' it.
168
00:06:58,113 --> 00:06:59,027
I got it.Cool.
169
00:06:59,114 --> 00:07:00,985
Pizza, very cool.
170
00:07:01,072 --> 00:07:02,770
All right, sweet.
171
00:07:02,857 --> 00:07:04,946
Let's meet at the ATM where that
dude puked on you last week.
172
00:07:05,033 --> 00:07:06,774
Okay.Peace.
173
00:07:06,861 --> 00:07:08,689
We haven't finished
your taxes yet.
174
00:07:08,776 --> 00:07:10,517
And you know what a grown-ass
woman really does?
175
00:07:10,604 --> 00:07:11,822
Pays someone
else to do it.
176
00:07:11,909 --> 00:07:13,084
Ah, the American way.
177
00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:18,438
So, are you sure you
just want the pot?
178
00:07:18,525 --> 00:07:20,918
You should
really try Oxy.
179
00:07:21,005 --> 00:07:23,094
For $500, I'll sell
you three pages
180
00:07:23,181 --> 00:07:24,792
of my dad's
prescription pad.
181
00:07:24,879 --> 00:07:26,837
No, just
the pot's fine.
182
00:07:26,924 --> 00:07:28,883
I'm ashamed I ever called
you Alex P. Keaton.
183
00:07:28,970 --> 00:07:30,624
I have no idea who
you're talking about.
184
00:07:32,626 --> 00:07:36,456
♪♪
185
00:07:38,632 --> 00:07:40,416
Nice.
186
00:07:40,503 --> 00:07:41,591
Okay, I wanna say
something to you,
187
00:07:41,678 --> 00:07:44,333
but you have
to hear me out.
188
00:07:44,420 --> 00:07:47,597
Okay.I really think you should put
your weed in your front hole.
189
00:07:47,684 --> 00:07:49,425
It's too dank to be out in
the air, I'm telling you.
190
00:07:49,512 --> 00:07:50,992
Like, I-- I'm
not doing that.
191
00:07:51,079 --> 00:07:52,559
So, look, I don't
know what you--
192
00:07:52,646 --> 00:07:53,951
Listen, we're gonna be
runnin' around all day,
193
00:07:54,038 --> 00:07:56,258
and there is literally
no safer place.
194
00:07:56,345 --> 00:07:59,130
I don't wanna get too graphic,
but "vajinas" tend to mask the
195
00:07:59,217 --> 00:08:01,481
smell-- and, you know,
they're warm and they're moist,
196
00:08:01,568 --> 00:08:02,830
and they have
their own odor.
197
00:08:02,917 --> 00:08:04,005
That's why--Well, what's
the graphic part
198
00:08:04,092 --> 00:08:05,485
that you didn't wanna say,
'cause I feel like that
199
00:08:05,572 --> 00:08:08,009
was like pretty
head-on-the-nose.
200
00:08:08,096 --> 00:08:09,314
That was graphic.
201
00:08:09,401 --> 00:08:11,665
I'm not putting pot,
like, up inside of me,
202
00:08:11,752 --> 00:08:16,278
'cause I'm an adult,
and I'm responsible.
203
00:08:16,365 --> 00:08:17,497
Let's go get
some candy.
204
00:08:21,805 --> 00:08:23,851
[both]
Whoa...
205
00:08:23,938 --> 00:08:25,113
Kids used to say it
would take them, like,
206
00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:27,768
a week to get to the center
of one of these bad boys.
207
00:08:27,855 --> 00:08:29,552
But I know the trick to
gettin' right to it.
208
00:08:38,953 --> 00:08:45,916
[screaming]
209
00:08:46,003 --> 00:08:49,833
Oh, my Lord!What up, Ilana?
210
00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:52,706
So I-- I bit into a jawbreaker,
and my veneer fell out,
211
00:08:52,793 --> 00:08:54,664
and now I am
a literal monster.
212
00:08:54,751 --> 00:08:56,144
I didn't know you
had a veneer,
213
00:08:56,231 --> 00:08:58,494
and I'm in that mouth
on a regular basis.
214
00:08:58,581 --> 00:08:59,713
Well, I broke it
on a dog bone,
215
00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:00,496
so I don't tell
a lot of people,
216
00:09:00,583 --> 00:09:01,889
to be honest.
217
00:09:01,976 --> 00:09:03,673
You know, since
we're bein' honest,
218
00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:06,458
I want to share with you that
219
00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:10,158
I have prosthetic balls.
220
00:09:10,245 --> 00:09:14,510
What?I'm just kiddin'!
221
00:09:14,597 --> 00:09:16,599
So, can you fix it?
222
00:09:16,686 --> 00:09:18,035
Yeah, I'm not doin'
anything right now.
223
00:09:18,122 --> 00:09:20,037
[mumbling]Chill. I'm on
the phone, man.
224
00:09:20,124 --> 00:09:26,522
So the earliest I could
see you is 4:30.
225
00:09:26,609 --> 00:09:28,219
Thank you
so much, dude.
226
00:09:28,306 --> 00:09:29,786
All right,
so where were we?
227
00:09:29,873 --> 00:09:31,658
Oh, yeah.
228
00:09:31,745 --> 00:09:33,747
Yeesh! These all
gotta come out.
229
00:09:33,834 --> 00:09:38,273
What?I'm just kiddin'.
230
00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:40,841
I'm a real jokester
today-- I had that one,
231
00:09:40,928 --> 00:09:42,886
and the one earlier
about prosthetic balls.
232
00:09:42,973 --> 00:09:46,673
I'm crushin' it,
two for two all day.
233
00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:50,198
♪♪
234
00:09:50,285 --> 00:09:51,765
Okay.
235
00:09:51,852 --> 00:09:53,418
I can't make heads
or tails of this.
236
00:09:53,505 --> 00:09:55,029
What is this for?
237
00:09:55,116 --> 00:09:56,813
Oh, I got that for
biking on the sidewalk,
238
00:09:56,900 --> 00:09:58,772
but because I hadn't
paid my last ticket
239
00:09:58,859 --> 00:10:00,338
for biking on
the sidewalk--
240
00:10:00,425 --> 00:10:01,905
I gotta tell ya, this
is all a mess,
241
00:10:01,992 --> 00:10:04,429
'cause none of this is
necessary or helpful.
242
00:10:04,516 --> 00:10:09,696
Oh, come on, Killian Casey,
C.P.A., I didn't know!
243
00:10:09,783 --> 00:10:11,872
Oh, I didn't know,
Killian.
244
00:10:11,959 --> 00:10:14,309
My final question-- do
you have any dependents?
245
00:10:14,396 --> 00:10:21,011
Uh, I have a lot of
independence, but, um--
246
00:10:21,098 --> 00:10:23,361
I guess I have people
who depend on me, too.
247
00:10:23,448 --> 00:10:25,712
So, no?Correct.
248
00:10:28,671 --> 00:10:29,933
I think I almost
got this.
249
00:10:30,020 --> 00:10:31,500
Got what?
250
00:10:31,587 --> 00:10:36,940
I think it's, like, some sort
of rocket ship or something.
251
00:10:37,027 --> 00:10:38,638
It's my family.
252
00:10:38,725 --> 00:10:40,422
This magic eye
is your family?
253
00:10:40,509 --> 00:10:42,380
It's a regular
photograph.
254
00:10:42,467 --> 00:10:44,818
I don't know, man.I don't care if you
believe me or not.
255
00:10:47,472 --> 00:10:49,561
Your refund
comes to $52.
256
00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:51,302
Cha-chang,
cha-chang!
257
00:10:51,389 --> 00:10:52,782
[Killian]
It's combined
State and Federal.
258
00:10:52,869 --> 00:10:57,221
My fee is $125
for the day.What?
259
00:10:57,308 --> 00:10:59,746
I'm giving you more
than I'm getting back?
260
00:10:59,833 --> 00:11:02,226
That's illegal.It's not illegal.
261
00:11:02,313 --> 00:11:03,880
You're paying me to do
your taxes for you.
262
00:11:03,967 --> 00:11:06,404
Yeah, but I'm not
gonna go negative
263
00:11:06,491 --> 00:11:08,058
for my taxes
to get done.
264
00:11:08,145 --> 00:11:09,756
I shouldn't have done
them in the first place.
265
00:11:09,843 --> 00:11:11,801
You know what? I think
we're done here.
266
00:11:11,888 --> 00:11:15,457
Why don't you take
your garbage...
267
00:11:15,544 --> 00:11:16,850
and mail it
out yourself.
268
00:11:16,937 --> 00:11:18,547
You're not gonna
mail it?
269
00:11:18,634 --> 00:11:19,896
I thought this was
a one-stop shop.
270
00:11:19,983 --> 00:11:24,335
I came here
for the stamps.
271
00:11:24,422 --> 00:11:25,728
I see it,
it's your family.
272
00:11:25,815 --> 00:11:26,468
Get outta here.I got it.
273
00:11:26,555 --> 00:11:28,383
Get outta here!
274
00:11:28,470 --> 00:11:30,298
Who yells?
275
00:11:30,385 --> 00:11:32,300
Go! Go!
276
00:11:32,387 --> 00:11:34,041
My purse!Go!
277
00:11:34,128 --> 00:11:35,564
Get out!
Get outta here!
278
00:11:35,651 --> 00:11:38,741
Give me that!
279
00:11:41,439 --> 00:11:43,441
[screaming]
280
00:11:49,447 --> 00:11:50,666
I'd have sex
with that dude.
281
00:11:50,753 --> 00:11:51,841
Would you have sex
with that dude?
282
00:11:51,928 --> 00:11:54,888
No, but I'd see
him naked, you know?
283
00:11:54,975 --> 00:11:58,456
Now, this dude,
I would let in!
284
00:11:58,543 --> 00:12:00,589
He loves his mom.
285
00:12:00,676 --> 00:12:03,723
See, that guy--
trim beard,
286
00:12:03,810 --> 00:12:06,073
he's very ambitious,
he's reading.
287
00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:08,118
I would do it.
288
00:12:08,205 --> 00:12:10,468
What about him?
He's pretty hot.
289
00:12:10,555 --> 00:12:13,950
He's got huge balls.
290
00:12:14,037 --> 00:12:17,040
Are you asking me if I'd
make love with that dog?
291
00:12:17,127 --> 00:12:19,347
I obviously mean
if you were a dog.
292
00:12:19,434 --> 00:12:20,957
Oh.
293
00:12:21,044 --> 00:12:23,568
He's very muscular,
really handsome.
294
00:12:23,655 --> 00:12:25,527
I don't know.
295
00:12:25,614 --> 00:12:27,311
I think I would need to know,
like, what kind of dog I was
296
00:12:27,398 --> 00:12:29,139
to be able to really
answer that question.
297
00:12:29,226 --> 00:12:32,534
Like, you can't just
throw around answers.
298
00:12:32,621 --> 00:12:35,711
You, like, hurt my head
you're so smart, Ab.
299
00:12:35,798 --> 00:12:36,625
What kind of dog
would you be?
300
00:12:36,712 --> 00:12:39,976
A slim pug.[laughs]
301
00:12:40,063 --> 00:12:41,543
Yeah.You knew that
immediately.
302
00:12:41,630 --> 00:12:43,414
Yeah, I thought
about it before.
303
00:12:43,501 --> 00:12:45,503
I would be a three-legged mutt,
because I'd be like a highly
304
00:12:45,590 --> 00:12:48,289
respected minority, and I'd
be all the dogs' fetishes.
305
00:12:48,376 --> 00:12:52,336
That-- Ilana, that is
like a special choice.
306
00:12:52,423 --> 00:12:54,425
Like, actually like
a very selfish choice.
307
00:12:54,512 --> 00:12:55,600
'Cause everybody's
like,
308
00:12:55,687 --> 00:12:59,866
"Aww, a three-legged dog."
309
00:12:59,953 --> 00:13:02,433
It's 4:00!
We gotta go.
310
00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:03,521
Dude, we have
an appointment?
311
00:13:03,608 --> 00:13:05,132
We need to get
to the dentist.
312
00:13:05,219 --> 00:13:07,134
I like how you call
Lincoln the dentist.
313
00:13:07,221 --> 00:13:09,353
He is the dentist.
314
00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:11,965
♪♪
315
00:13:12,052 --> 00:13:13,314
Blam, blam, blam,
blam, blam!
316
00:13:13,401 --> 00:13:15,142
Blam, blam,
blam, blam!
317
00:13:15,229 --> 00:13:16,534
You know what it is,
break yourself!
318
00:13:16,621 --> 00:13:18,754
Oh my God!
319
00:13:18,841 --> 00:13:20,582
Yes, let's turn up
the nitrous.
320
00:13:20,669 --> 00:13:21,670
I know you like that.
321
00:13:21,757 --> 00:13:23,541
My God, it's good.
322
00:13:23,628 --> 00:13:25,282
Oh, yeah.
323
00:13:25,369 --> 00:13:29,156
You know, Ilana, we've been
hangin' for a while, and...
324
00:13:29,243 --> 00:13:31,549
the arrangement we
have now is cool--
325
00:13:31,636 --> 00:13:34,161
the ol' sex
buddies thing?
326
00:13:34,248 --> 00:13:36,467
I love it, it's dope,
'cause I get to bone a lot.
327
00:13:36,554 --> 00:13:38,252
Yeah.
328
00:13:38,339 --> 00:13:40,384
But, you ever thought what
it would be like to be in a--
329
00:13:40,471 --> 00:13:44,432
a real relationship--
boyfriend-girlfriend?
330
00:13:44,519 --> 00:13:48,740
It could be great.
331
00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:51,221
"Oh, yeah,
Lincoln, I do.
332
00:13:51,308 --> 00:13:53,441
"I do wanna date
you seriously,
333
00:13:53,528 --> 00:13:54,703
"and I'm gonna
stop gettin'
334
00:13:54,790 --> 00:13:57,053
"eaten out by
random dudes.
335
00:13:57,140 --> 00:13:59,969
"I want stability, I wanna
hang out with a guy
336
00:14:00,056 --> 00:14:03,668
"that has a six-figure
income and a good job.
337
00:14:03,755 --> 00:14:07,629
Suck his D
all the time."
338
00:14:14,244 --> 00:14:16,986
I know, I got it.
339
00:14:18,422 --> 00:14:23,123
♪♪
340
00:14:42,751 --> 00:14:45,841
♪ You know I hate to
see you leavin'... ♪
341
00:14:45,928 --> 00:14:47,495
How many do you have?
342
00:14:47,582 --> 00:14:49,932
Oh, know, this is,
um-- I got this silver--
343
00:14:50,019 --> 00:14:51,629
like it was just
part of the toys.
344
00:14:51,716 --> 00:14:56,286
No, children, how many
children do you have?
345
00:14:56,373 --> 00:14:57,287
Hello?
346
00:15:06,514 --> 00:15:09,256
[boy]
Mom, I've never seen
somebody do that before.
347
00:15:12,563 --> 00:15:15,305
I'm not a mom!
348
00:15:15,392 --> 00:15:18,482
You ever seen
someone that's tired?
349
00:15:18,569 --> 00:15:20,745
I don't sit there and
say, "I bet you're a mom
350
00:15:20,832 --> 00:15:22,922
'cause you
have a kid."
351
00:15:23,009 --> 00:15:25,968
I'm not a mom,
I'm a grown-ass woman!
352
00:15:26,055 --> 00:15:27,927
I deserve respect,
I know what I want...
353
00:15:28,014 --> 00:15:30,320
[smoke alarm beeping]
354
00:15:30,407 --> 00:15:36,457
No, no, no, no!
Oh! Damn it!
355
00:15:36,544 --> 00:15:37,501
No, no, no!
356
00:15:37,588 --> 00:15:38,589
No, no!
357
00:15:38,676 --> 00:15:45,031
[screaming]
358
00:15:45,118 --> 00:15:47,424
Ilana, I am like,
I'm so sorry.
359
00:15:47,511 --> 00:15:49,252
Like, this is insane.
360
00:15:49,339 --> 00:15:50,862
I would-- this is not
somethin' I would do.
361
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:53,430
Like, I would
not do this.
362
00:15:53,517 --> 00:15:57,826
Maybe it's the nitrous
or maybe it's the weed,
363
00:15:57,913 --> 00:16:00,655
but, uh, I don't care.
364
00:16:00,742 --> 00:16:04,789
You just...
365
00:16:04,876 --> 00:16:06,487
Doc?Yeah?
366
00:16:06,574 --> 00:16:08,315
What's the ol' damage
on the pearly--
367
00:16:08,402 --> 00:16:10,186
Don't touch
the tooth yet!Okay, okay.
368
00:16:10,273 --> 00:16:12,623
I got it, got it.There's no damage.
369
00:16:12,710 --> 00:16:14,625
I'm not charging you,
first tooth is on me.
370
00:16:14,712 --> 00:16:16,540
Lincoln...
371
00:16:16,627 --> 00:16:18,020
You can't-- I can't have
you pay my medical bills.
372
00:16:18,107 --> 00:16:19,935
That's like--All right, well,
373
00:16:20,022 --> 00:16:22,982
a new veneer
costs $1,400.
374
00:16:23,069 --> 00:16:25,549
Thank you so much!
375
00:16:25,636 --> 00:16:28,726
That's, like, really,
really sweet.
376
00:16:28,813 --> 00:16:30,250
Thank you.
377
00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:49,356
It's okay,
it's okay.
378
00:17:01,585 --> 00:17:04,023
♪♪
379
00:17:04,110 --> 00:17:05,633
How you doin'?
380
00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:10,203
I am, uh, doing my taxes,
as you can see, and I just
381
00:17:10,290 --> 00:17:13,597
need a manila envelope
to seal the deal.
382
00:17:13,684 --> 00:17:16,818
I just want a plain one,
not one of your guys'.
383
00:17:16,905 --> 00:17:18,776
No offense.None taken.
384
00:17:18,863 --> 00:17:21,170
I hate this place.Oh.
385
00:17:27,481 --> 00:17:28,960
Could've just used
the recycling bin.
386
00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:30,788
It's right there.
387
00:17:30,875 --> 00:17:34,488
I don't know, maybe not copy
all the garbage to begin with.
388
00:17:34,575 --> 00:17:36,142
Wasteful.
389
00:17:38,492 --> 00:17:40,015
Packing a pillow
with packing peanuts,
390
00:17:40,102 --> 00:17:41,538
'cause that's
necessary!
391
00:17:41,625 --> 00:17:43,410
What do you pack packing
peanuts with, pillows?
392
00:17:43,497 --> 00:17:45,368
Pillows are nature's
packing peanuts!
393
00:17:45,455 --> 00:17:46,891
[man whispering]
Abbi.
394
00:18:02,385 --> 00:18:05,954
No, you're
the fools!
395
00:18:06,041 --> 00:18:09,958
We're garbage people
living on garbage island!
396
00:18:10,045 --> 00:18:11,220
Did you hear that?
397
00:18:11,307 --> 00:18:14,745
Who are you,
Joe Mainstreet?
398
00:18:14,832 --> 00:18:17,183
I am not a mom!
399
00:18:24,407 --> 00:18:25,887
She's had a lot
of sugar today.
400
00:18:25,974 --> 00:18:27,236
Yeah.
401
00:18:27,323 --> 00:18:29,543
Abbi, are you okay?
402
00:18:29,630 --> 00:18:31,371
You're having
a literal tantrum.
403
00:18:31,458 --> 00:18:32,720
I don't know, I just
gotta get home.
404
00:18:32,807 --> 00:18:35,549
Like, I just smoked so much
weed my stomach really hurts.
405
00:18:35,636 --> 00:18:38,421
Like, I think I kicked
somebody in the face.
406
00:18:38,508 --> 00:18:40,902
No, that was
a cardboard cutout.
407
00:18:40,989 --> 00:18:42,512
It's all good.
408
00:18:42,599 --> 00:18:44,471
I just-- this is why
I can't have my own weed.
409
00:18:44,558 --> 00:18:47,082
It's the same thing as ice
cream, and like cough syrup.
410
00:18:47,169 --> 00:18:49,389
I just-- I just smoke so much,
and then I just go nuts,
411
00:18:49,476 --> 00:18:51,521
like I can't have it
in the house.
412
00:18:51,608 --> 00:18:53,044
I mean I have to keep
bumming off of you.
413
00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:54,307
That's fine, dude.
414
00:18:54,394 --> 00:18:57,179
I love it!
It's my pleasure.
415
00:18:57,266 --> 00:18:58,398
If it makes you
feel any better,
416
00:18:58,485 --> 00:18:59,790
I'm sending these
taxes to my parents.
417
00:18:59,877 --> 00:19:01,749
I have to.
418
00:19:01,836 --> 00:19:03,707
I'm not gonna be a tax expert
overnight, you know?
419
00:19:03,794 --> 00:19:05,579
It's a process, we're all
going through a process.
420
00:19:05,666 --> 00:19:08,582
You know, last year they
got me $600 back, so.
421
00:19:08,669 --> 00:19:10,932
I think they might just
be sending you money.
422
00:19:11,019 --> 00:19:12,629
They're just
sending you money.
423
00:19:12,716 --> 00:19:14,805
I think you're
very wrong.No, I think I'm right.
424
00:19:14,892 --> 00:19:18,592
I just wanna get home
and watch my shows.
425
00:19:18,679 --> 00:19:20,115
I need you to
take this pot.
426
00:19:20,202 --> 00:19:22,378
I can't even, like,
have it on--
427
00:19:22,465 --> 00:19:24,467
Okay, there's
a cop dog-- okay.
428
00:19:24,554 --> 00:19:27,905
Just-- Jesus!Okay.
429
00:19:27,992 --> 00:19:28,950
Ilana, you gotta
take this.
430
00:19:29,037 --> 00:19:30,299
You gotta take it.
431
00:19:30,386 --> 00:19:32,083
I am stuffed to
the gills, dude.
432
00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:33,955
You got this.
433
00:19:34,042 --> 00:19:35,391
You're a big girl.
434
00:19:35,478 --> 00:19:37,915
C'mon.
435
00:19:38,002 --> 00:19:41,049
It's just not fair.
436
00:19:41,136 --> 00:19:44,792
C'mon, hurry up,
bitch.
437
00:19:44,879 --> 00:19:47,882
If you are not too dry,
cause that would hurt.
438
00:19:47,969 --> 00:19:50,189
That's disgusting.
439
00:19:50,276 --> 00:19:52,278
You're just loving it,
aren't you?
440
00:19:52,365 --> 00:19:53,931
Give it a couple
of minutes,
441
00:19:54,018 --> 00:19:58,284
and I think you will
enjoy yourself as well.
442
00:19:58,371 --> 00:19:59,589
I'm telling you
once it settles,
443
00:19:59,676 --> 00:20:02,070
it starts to hit
different points.
444
00:20:02,157 --> 00:20:03,202
I'm feeling feverish.
445
00:20:03,289 --> 00:20:07,554
Does it go
through the bag?
446
00:20:07,641 --> 00:20:09,991
[Abbi]
I guess I like how
long my nails are.
447
00:20:10,078 --> 00:20:11,471
It makes me feel
really feminine.
448
00:20:11,558 --> 00:20:13,560
And I like that my eyes
are really big and brown.
449
00:20:13,647 --> 00:20:15,039
[Ilana]
I love your eyes, too.
450
00:20:15,126 --> 00:20:17,085
[Abbi]
No, you have to say
something about yourself.
451
00:20:17,172 --> 00:20:19,914
[Ilana]
Oh-- something I love about
myself is rain or shine,
452
00:20:20,001 --> 00:20:21,916
thick or thin-- if
I have to take a dump,
453
00:20:22,003 --> 00:20:24,962
I can go anywhere--
outside, inside,
454
00:20:25,049 --> 00:20:26,660
sometimes even on cue.
455
00:20:26,747 --> 00:20:28,139
[Abbi]
I don't know,
I'm picky.
456
00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:29,706
I like it
to be quiet.
457
00:20:29,793 --> 00:20:31,534
I can't have a lot
of people around.
458
00:20:31,621 --> 00:20:33,754
You know what's
the biggest luxury?
459
00:20:33,841 --> 00:20:35,930
Pooping when
no one's home.
460
00:20:36,017 --> 00:20:37,671
[Ilana]
Oh, my God, yes, especially
when it's not your own house.
461
00:20:37,758 --> 00:20:38,976
[Abbi]
Wait, what?
462
00:20:39,063 --> 00:20:41,065
[woman]
Hey!
463
00:20:41,152 --> 00:20:43,633
You guys can't be here
if you don't have dogs!
464
00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:45,983
We have dogs!We got dogs!
465
00:20:46,070 --> 00:20:48,029
Where are your dogs?
466
00:20:48,116 --> 00:20:50,292
Where are your dogs?
467
00:20:50,379 --> 00:20:52,425
Right here!
468
00:20:54,383 --> 00:20:55,645
Well, all right.
469
00:20:55,732 --> 00:20:57,865
Just...Yeah, well, great.
470
00:20:57,952 --> 00:20:59,997
Happy-- I'm so
happy for you.
471
00:21:00,084 --> 00:21:01,912
You know, we're not
gonna molest your dogs!
472
00:21:01,999 --> 00:21:04,654
Unless we were dogs!
473
00:21:12,749 --> 00:21:16,275
Without my mommy
and daddy!
474
00:21:16,362 --> 00:21:17,363
What did you say?
475
00:21:17,450 --> 00:21:21,236
My mommy and daddy!
476
00:21:21,323 --> 00:21:22,672
I was on my phone.
477
00:21:22,759 --> 00:21:24,065
Can you just say
it one more time?
478
00:21:24,152 --> 00:21:27,416
Mommy and daddy!
33736
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