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Rongorongo.

Dondo!

Breakfast. Now.

Get up!

Hello? Hello?

Ah. May I say hello?

The minister has returned and it is myself.

Patrick Archibald MacLeod.

But please, call me Paddy.

Yes. And why are you here?

I was just lying in my bed this morning

thinking how I must introduce myself to all the parish.

Open my arms, so to speak.

Ah. This'll be your lad. Dondo, is it?

Hmm! What a fine, handsome man you've grown into.

Hi.

Yes?

Well, I've heard about your loss, Mrs Mackay.

Willy was a fine man.

It must be coming up a year now since he was taken by the waves.

Fishing on the Sabbath as he was, I hear.

Willy was not a church man.

Nice meeting you. Porridge is burning.

Please do come back another time. And you, clothes.

Best put your trousers on, boy.

I found his boot.

You have faith.

There's nothing I would do to dampen that flame.

Dondo!

Ah. Ah, well, uh... Maybe another time.

What are you doing?

He's back. The skiver returns.

Wow, you've grown.

You have too.

And your voice has changed.

Er, yeah. So has yours.

Sorry about your dad, by the way.

Ach, you know, it'll be fine. He's OK.

What do you mean?

He's not so bad, you know.

Sas!

- Sir. - Those bangles have got to go.

Are you asking me to remove an item of clothing?

-Sàmhach!

Next exam, no bangles. It's highly distracting.

OK, sir.

But you have to shave your beard before the next exam.

The way you scratch it is highly distracting.

All right.

- Bye, sir. - I'm warning you.

Welcome back, Dondo.

You been crying?

Tears of joy, sir. Tears of joy.

Good man.

Dad.

Dondo, he still lives.

Hi.

- Where are you guys from? - Planet Earth.

- Solar System. - Milky Way.

Whanganui.

What about yourself?

Just here.

- Here? - Yes, right here.

Little grommet.

There she blows.

Oh, man.

- Yeah, man. - Whoo!

- Yeah, man. - Whoo! Whoo-whoo-whoo!

Dondo.

Up!

Is Oxford University in Oxfordshire?

No. Sexfordshire.

No.

You don't know what you're missing out on.

Goodbye, Kenny.

- Come on. - No.

My final answer is no and that is my final answer.

Fair dos. We can work with that.

One hundred percent waterproof.

Would you shag Dondo?

He's too weird. It's like he's touched.

Touched?

Touched by something invisible.

- All right. Don the grom. - Here, check this out.

What's that?

It's a hundred percent waterproof.

Yeah. But what is it?

It's a Bible.

♪ The mist gathers grey on moorland and brae

♪ For me and my true love will never meet again

♪ By the bonny, bonny banks of Loch Lomond

Oh.

My, oh my.

What are you doing here?

Searching.

Do you really pray?

I do.

Even on your own? When nobody's looking?

You'll be a swan before you know it.

So, I'm an ugly duckling now, am I?

Poor Dondo. He's having a rough crossing, Saorsa.

Show him some kindness, at least.

I'll be on my way now.

- Hi. - Hi.

Who were you chatting with there?

Oh, some top-level gnarlers.

It was cosmic alignment.

Where did the new minister go?

- I think I frightened him off. - Oh. Shame.

Well, you know where to find him.

Can you teach me to surf one day?

Whanganui. Yeah.

Awesome.

Hello?

Shaka laka Zula.

Dondo?

What are you doing up there?

Just... looking about.

Right.

Can I walk you home?

All right.

I saw your mum the other day.

- She is hot. - What, my mum?

Yeah.

Your mum is hot.

Hello there, Dondo.

It's very kind of you to walk Sas home.

Come in, Sassy.

Come in, come in.

Will you come in for a tea?

No, I think I'll just...

- Never mind. How's your mother? - Fine, thanks.

Good, good. Back to her pottery?

She never stopped.

And you, back to your surfing.

You're not afraid of the sea?

I'd be terribly afraid, so I would.

- Mum, he's got to go. - And finally back to your exams?

They'll be keeping you back the year, I'd imagine.

Grief can cause such a disruption.

Mum.

You give your mother my best wishes, now.

Thanks, Mrs MacKenzie. Bye, Sas.

Oh, mind the sheep.

The power of nonsense between that poor boy's eyes.

- I hope you can see it. Can you? - See what?

He's not the one. Hm?

- Stop. - Aw.

They're just pants.

But they're Dad's.

They're good pants.

How would you feel if you survived a shipwreck

you come back to find someone wearing your underwear?

I'd hate to see them being thrown out.

- Mum? - Yes?

What's church like?

Why do you want to know?

I might go on Sunday.

Why?

Just, you know, see what it's all about.

Which church? The old one

- with the new minister in it? - Aye.

Well, the other one up the road has heating, I've heard.

Mum, they're just churches.

Does it matter which one I go to?

Thank you, Noel. Wonderful.

Hi.

It's great to see you.

Here we are. Another glorious Sabbath,

and a shipwrecked sailor has washed upon our shores.

Let us pray.

Lord, hear our prayer for Willy.

Willy, wherever you may be,

our prayers are winging their way to you.

Out, beyond our knowing.

Out, beyond the bounds of eternity.

Lord, please help Willy.

Summon the creatures of the ocean,

to return him safely,

on porpoise, by squid,

stoat or narwhal.

Willy, will ye come back, Willy?

Come back. Return. Amen.

Amen.

Dondo, please be seated.

Off you go. There. Take a seat.

There. There's a good lad.

Forgive us, Lord, for we know not what we do.

- You know not what you do. - Amen.

- Amen. - Amen.

- Thank you so much. - That was beautiful.

God bless. Thank you so much for coming.

- Wonderful to see you. - Paddy.

Norman.

Norma.

Sas.

It is so good to see the church alive again.

So good, Paddy, I cannot tell you.

You're breathing life back into us

after the great sickness has taken so much.

Indeed, Norma.

Sassy!

Awesome gig, Paddy. You nailed it.

You're too kind. Thank you Donny.

How good and how pleasant it is

for brethren to dwell together in unity.

Tell me. I hear you surf upon the waves?

I do.

Rongorongo.

But not upon the Sabbath? Not upon the holy day of rest?

Er, no. Oh, no, never. Never, no.

Not even if it's totally pumping.

Yeah, no, no.

Good. It is forbidden.

It is forbidden.

Hey, Don the grom.

- Hi. - Donny the grommy.

- Hi. - You're coming in?

No. No. Waves aren't, er, big enough.

I think they're optimal.

Don't go!

Why?

Today is the day of rest.

- Who says? - Er, God.

God.

Will I be struck by lightning?

Erm, probably. There's a pretty big chance of that.

I'll take that chance.

Solar System.

Surfing on the Sabbath?

Your blood will boil.

Erm... I'm going to spread the word.

Why go to church if you don't have to?

Why not?

Do you really believe in God?

Sure. Don't you?

Uh.

I'm tempted.

There are less crisps in these new packets.

Pumped with air to make them look full, but...

they are just full of emptiness.

Hm. Nothing. There's nothing out there.

Maybe He's testing you.

Maybe.

You know, maybe He is a She. Maybe my God is a woman.

God... God doesn't have a sex.

- What, like a ship? - How like a ship?

Well, a ship, they're always women.

All that sail in her, she's seaworthy.

She sank without a trace.

Aye. Sorry.

My point was that we all know ships don't have a vagina.

Do you think God has a penis?

What? No. No. Sas, I never think about that.

Well. You have now.

And, Lord, help us resist the dreadful darkness

falling upon the land.

And fortify us against the next scourge. Amen.

- Amen. - Amen.

Hm.

Will you be wearing that to evening prayers?

The new minister suffers from terrible migraines,

you know?

Prayers? I've got feeding to do.

The old minister had migraines too, you know?

An answer to the question will suffice.

I think I'll stay behind and study for my exam.

Of course. Oh, my, it'll be so good

to have a doctor in the family.

A vet would be far more useful in this household. Hmm.

O Lord,

for what we are about... to receive,

may the Lord make us truly, truly thankful.

Amen!

What do you think about having a memorial service for Dad?

You know, something where everyone gathers

to pay their respects and say goodbye.

Desert island survivors. They do exist.

Mum, people can live off coconuts

for a very long time.

I mean, ages. Forever, probably.

Where is the nearest island with a good supply of coconuts?

Tenerife.

So, Dad has just been hanging out in Tenerife?

Or Lanzarote.

Eat your soup.

Shouldn't it be drink?

You don't drink soup.

You don't eat liquid.

Right you are, Dondo. Right you are.

God.

If You can hear me...

...show me some kind of sign.

Then I might actually even consider believing in You.

Deal?

Deal.

Oh, it's you.

Yes, it's me. Hi.

Look, I'm not gonna ask you out, OK?

But I've been thinking about ya.

I can't stop thinking about ya, and I...

I probably think about you a bit too much, to be honest.

I thought it was only right

that I ask you before I... think about you again.

What?

Well, I just thought I'd be polite.

Do you want my permission

so you can think about me when you wank?

Yes, please.

Fuck off!

Come on, Sas.

Only if I can watch.

Ooh.

Begin.

So, where are your folks?

Church.

- Say something. - Like what?

Just anything.

OK.

Of the two million sperm that reach the cervix,

the vast majority are lost somewhere along the way

in places called vaginal crypts.

Ultimately, it is the egg

that chooses a single sperm.

And that is the process we call fertilisation.

Fuck, yeah.

Sassy!

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, go on!

- Sorry. - What did we just witness?

- Go on, get out! - Biology.

Go on! Go on! You young toad!

Get inside now! Away from that stone.

Oh, Mum, we, we were revising.

The only reason you want to be a doctor

is to get to look at boys' bits and bobs.

The wind bloweth where it listeth,

and all you hear is the sound thereof,

but canst not tell whence it cometh...

Planet Earth.

Solar System.

Milky Way.

Whanganui.

- You surf? - No.

- You'd be good. - How can you tell?

You're not afraid of danger. You should be, but you're not.

Who says I should be afraid?

That.

The men in the grey suits.

Up! Come on. You'll miss the bus.

Oahu, Kawaii, Rongorongo, Whanganui,

Kiribati, Teahupo'o, Rongorongo.

- What you praying for? - Hm.

Good exam results.

Bit late for that, surf bum.

I was praying for your exam results. Not mine.

- Did you ask Him yet? - What?

If He has... a penis.

No, er, I was praying to another god.

A goddess, actually.

Well, I'd save those prayers for your own results, not mine.

I don't need them. I already have a path to follow.

Of course.

You're suddenly a fully signed-up member of the flock.

Hey!

Stop tapping.

Baa.

What are you...?

God does not have a penis!

Are you ready?

- Ready? - Yeah.

- All right. Go on, then. Go on. - Dondo.

That's it. Right, you got it going. Right.

Right, what we're gonna do... You're gonna watch it...

Whoa!

You're soaking.

Hmm.

- Hm. - Hi. Thanks.

What's that?

It's a wee thing for Willy.

Do you miss Willy?

Yes, of course.

What do you miss most?

I'm going to do a memorial service for him.

You should come.

For his dad. I think it would help him.

Dondo.

Dondo.

Hi. How are you doing?

Are you Jesus?

Yes, I am.

Are you American?

Oh, no, I'm Swiss. But I learned American at a young age.

So cute, ain't he?

- Can you speak Swiss? - Nobody can speak Swiss!

- Why not? - Dondo.

He's out there, Dondo.

- To present the prizes today... - Hello, hello, children. Hello.

It's OK, I'm here. OK. Let us pray.

We also once lived in the lusts of our flesh.

We were, by nature, children of wrath.

But God, being rich in mercy...

...He loved us. Amen.

- Amen. - Amen.

Oh, the prizes. The prizes, the prizes.

Oh, my gosh.

- Sas. Sas. - Hm.

Sas. Sas.

Where are your fucking shoes?

- Oh. Er... - My God.

Present the final prize, Paddy.

The overall prize, this year...

...for giving it their all... for sheer graft,

and I must say, my own personal favourite member

of the church...

Let's just call it grit. The grit prize goes to...

- Dondo Mackay! - Dondo?

- Donnie boy! - Me?

Yes! You! Come on, up you come.

He's been out in the wilderness.

Yes, Dondo.

You've had a rough year, but now the stars are shining.

Whanganui.

I am stoked.

Go on, laddie, give a few words.

Thank you. Thank you.

I'd like to dedicate this to, erm, my dad.

He's still out there somewhere.

He still lives.

And another thing I know is that he is still alive.

And he's coming back. He's on his way!

I'm gonna bring him back!

- Yes, you are, Dondo! - Sit down, Kenny.

He...

And now, our head girl will give a short summing up

of the year's highs and lows.

I only have a question.

Just one question for our beloved reverend here.

Stick to the speech.

- It's a theological question. - Oh. Wonderful.

Yeah. Dondo and I have discussed it.

Don't.

In depth.

Does God have a penis?

Big stiffies for Jesus?

Satan's whore.

Rongorongo, Kiribati, Teahupo'o,

Rongorongo, Whanganui, Kiribati,

Uluwatu, Kiribati, Teahupo'o.

Are you coming in?

Cheer up.

Soon you're gonna be shagging human rights lawyers

in ski chalets.

And I'll still be here, up the duff, married to a man.

I mean, what difference does it make?

We'll be fat and have bad sex.

Paddy, spunking over your mum's washing.

Oh, I'm gonna come.

Bless this meal

and the, the, the animals and the vegetables...

...that have been summoned forth

to be eaten by our mouths.

It's OK, Donnie.

Amen?

Amen.

So, I've organised a memorial for tomorrow.

Oh, really?

Yes. And you're coming.

Well, I'm actually going off to find Dad,

so you can cancel the memorial.

We are doing a memorial tomorrow! End of story!

- Don't you bloody dare! - Rongorongo.

Dondo.

He's out there, Dondo.

Do you hear me?

Yes, Jesus.

You're not going to find him.

How do you know?

What's wrong?

I don't wanna go to Sexfordshire.

I don't wanna stay here either.

I don't know what I want to do.

Help me find my dad, then.

Whoo!

Your dad's not here.

Hm.

Who's that?

Oh, I... I found it in the church.

Nice tits. Who is she?

Dunno.

Norma. That's my mum's name.

Er, she does kind of look like you.

It is my mum. Where did you find it?

Er, it was up in the pulpit, inside the Bible.

Did you ever... you know?

Well... Never directly, like, but...

Don't tell me.

Look, I only kept it because she looked like you.

What?

Beautiful. Like you.

- But it was my mum, Dondo. - Yeah, but I didn't know that.

Look, surely better that it was her

and not someone completely unrelated?

Thanks, I guess.

Better and worse.

Let's head home.

How was Tenerife?

Come here. It's all right.

We are gathered here today

in the presence of God

to honour the memory of a fine man.

A wonderful man.

Willy Mackay. Willy.

We prayed for his return.

We prayed and prayed and prayed.

- But nothing came of it. - Handsome devil, isn't he?

Days became weeks. Weeks became months.

And now a year has passed with no return.

The waves have stolen Willy from us.

And now we must accept...

...his watery grave.

We will now hear from Dondo.

It's all right. Come on. Come with me.

I want you to read a little bit, come on.

It's all right. Come on, boy.

What I want you to do is just read it out

from page 23, all right?

Is that OK?

"Those who go down to the sea..."

"Who do business on great waters..."

"They see the works of the Lord, and His wonders in the deep."

"For He commands and raises the stormy sea..."

Are you all right, Donnie? Go on, carry on.

You'll be all right. Go on.

"They mount up to the heavens."

"And they go down again to the depths."

"Their soul melts because of trouble."

The men in the grey suits!

"They reel to and fro and stagger like a drunken man,

and are at their wits' end."

He still lives.

Donnie.

"Then, then they cry out to the Lord in their trouble..."

"And He picks them out of their distresses."

Hey, man. Tell them. He still lives.

No!

Please.

Donnie.

- What's the matter? - Please.

I must go to them.

Poor boy. Out there in the roaring forties.

Come on!

We must follow him.

Come on! Get your coats.

We'll go together.

Come on!

Don't surf on the Sabbath!

Don't surf! You must leave!

For we must all appear before the judgement seat of Christ.

And pay attention to our deeds.

Or thy shall surely be put to death.

Leave the seas!

Go! For Christ's sake, go! Go! Go!

Leave me, leave!

- Dondo! - Leave here!

It's only meant to be me!

Here for the judgement's day.

Respect his grave.

We were, by nature...

...children of wrath.

Doing the desires of the flesh, and of the mind.

We were, by nature...

...children of wrath.

But God, being rich in mercy...

...He loved us.

He must return!

Leave the seas!

Donnie, hold it!

Hold it, Donnie!

- Put the knife down, Donnie. - The wages of sin is death!

Go on!

Dondo!

He's been taken.

Sas.

- He's been taken. - No.

He can't have gone that far.

He's been taken.

Fire?

Fire!

- Hey. Come on! - The church! The church!

Dondo!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, fuck.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Dondo. Dondo! Oh, my God.

Come on, Dondo.

Come on, Dondo. Come on. Come on, Dondo. Come on.

...three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine...

Wake up, Dondo. Come on.

No way, not now. Not now.

Oh, my God. You're OK. You're OK.

Oh. Oh, my God. OK. You're OK. You're OK.

You're OK. You're OK. You're OK.

You're OK.

So, where are you gonna go now?

I don't know.

Somewhere... out there.

Thanks for saving my life, by the way.

It was nothing.

♪ Let it go, let it go down

♪ It's OK

♪ Let it come, let it take all

♪ Thoughts away

♪ Let it go, let it go down

♪ It's OK

♪ Let it come, let it take all

♪ Thoughts away