Original subtitles

Mobeen, this haircut is brilliant.

Excuse me. Haircut?

It's a hairstyle.

And it's spectacular.

You don't even deserve it,

you little tramp.

Is this gonna go on your Hair by Mobeen's Instagram page?

Are you shorter than the average 11-year-old girl?

I'm 17.

Exactly my point.

You were never this good at doing hair.

Mm, well, this just proves, yeah,

that if you try hard enough at anything,

you can become the very best in the world.

I don't think you are the best.

Name me one other 30-year-old Pakistani thug

who can produce this level of follicle excellence.

I can't. It's weird.

- Hey. - But thank you.

It does look sick. - It does.

Listen to me. - Mm-hmm.

You need to show this kind of commitment

to make sure you get 2,700 on your UKCATs,

'cause that's what you need to get into medical school.

UKCATs are 18 months away.

Why do you keep talking about it?

Because I wanna make sure you see this through, yeah?

Take is seriously, okay? - Mm-hmm.

Let me get these pics for the 'Gram, okay.

Ooh!

Take some with this at the back.

Ooh, fire, you know?

It is nice hair.

On a shit head.

Give him that one.

Give him that one.

- Eight. - What?

I can see a patch on your head.

Where?

- It's growing. - Where?

- The patch is growing. - Where?!

Only joking.

You dumb patchy bitch.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I'm gonna kill her.

You sit down! Go to school!

Go to school now! - I'm gonna kick her!

Have a shit day.

You okay, yeah?

Why is she such a bastard?

This is what it's like if you be married.

Huh?

If you be married,

this is what it's like.

- Yeah. - Mm.

Do it. Go on, do it. - Huh?

Do the special one.

I don't want to do the special one.

Please. I won't tell anyone.

- It's naughty. - Huh?

It's naughty.

It is.

You've proper fixed my alopecia, innit?

Looks good, yeah.

It looks nice, my hair now.

Mm.

Are you gonna put it on your Instagram?

- Absolutely not. - Okay.

Where did you get so good at it?

Prison.

Oh, yeah, you were in prison, innit?

Mm.

There's something I have to tell you.

As long as you keep doing...

that,

you can tell me anything, Mobeen.

It's about your dad.

What? My real dad or one of my mom's kutte boyfriends?

It's about your real dad.

Who, who is he?

I'm your father, bastard!

No, no, no. Hey, hey, hey.

What are you doing?

We're joking, mate.

Did you really think he was your dad?

Oh...

Because you said-

Eight, come on, man. Oi.

It's a joke.

I'm laughing.

Okay.

I'm going to go and pack my bags.

- Oi. - You guys funny.

Oi, it was a joke, man.

I gave his mum the tah-tah.

Hasn't everyone?

Why did you put the bags there?

Because she can't know what we're doing.

Is she not coming with us?

Yes!

I can't wait to go to Paris.

I'm going to open up the best cake shop in the world.

Cake shops are called patisseries in France, Eight.

- What? Pepatipa... - Patisserie.

Patisserie.

I'm gonna call it cake shop.

- Oi, Eight. - What?

I forgot to tell you...

What?

You know what hot bread is called in France?

Roti.

Pain chaud.

No way. Pehnchod?

Yeah, man.

So, when we get to France... - Yeah?

You bake us a fresh, hot batch of pehnchods.

Yeah, I'm going to make you a pehnchod.

- Hey, hey, hey! - What?

Nate, Nate, can I make you a pehnchod?

Do you want to shut the fuck up?

Okay.

So, where are we actually going?

- Abergavenny. - Huh?

That sounds like the whitest place on planet Earth.

Pretty much.

Listen, have you packed?

Yeah.

Nathaniel!

You need to tell Aqsa.

That's just way more stress than we need right now.

And it's only temporary anyway, isn't it?

Have you got my fish?

No, Uncle. They're very slippery.

I can't catch it.

Real men don't catch it with net,

they catch it with hands.

Get your clothes out and jump in.

What?

Take your clothes out and jump in.

- Take them all where? - Out your body.

You mean recycle?

Take all of your clothes out and jump in.

My jangiya as well?

No! What are you doing?

Mobeen, tell him!

Get your clothes out now!

No, I'm not gonna take my clothes out!

Uncle, take his clothes out.

No, I'm not gonna do that.

I'm not-

Take your clothes out.

No, I don't want to be in a documentary.

Take your clothes out!

No, I don't wanna do that!

It looks like he's going to shag him, look.

Is he gonna?

Take your clothes out!

No!

Take your clothes out!

So listen, what else you got to do before you go?

I have to tell Khan

and have to tell Jovell about this informant.

Why bother?

So they know I'm not the snitch,

and then we're safe.

Are you sure?

Well, no, I'm not sure.

But that's why we've got to leave Small Heath.

Shit.

Let me go make that phone call.

- That phone call? - That phone call.

Mummy, I messed up.

What happened to your eye?

Don't worry about my eye.

I wanna talk to you now.

No, no, no, me first.

I need you to do something for me.

I am never doing anything for you again.

Mobeen, have you lost your mind?

The next thing that comes out of your mouth,

better explain why your bollocks have suddenly grown so big.

You have an informant in your organization.

A rat. A snitch.

Bullshit.

I am never stepping foot in this office again.

And if you had half a brain cell,

neither would you.

After I tell Jovell about all this shit,

me and you are done and I'm gone.

Mobeen.

You know, you might be able to keep yourself safe,

but the ones you love,

might be impossible.

You know, for disrespecting me,

people disappear.

How about that pretty little sister of yours,

or that harami mother of yours, you know,

the whore- - Come here!

You will never threaten my family again!

Mobeen...

You've just made this personal, yaar.

Did you sort it out?

- Mm-hmm. - Liar!

Listen, I know, I'm sorry.

I gripped Khan,

I slapped him into the cupboard,

the cupboard fell apart.

I've messed it up, man.

For Allah's sake, Mobeen.

I know, but listen,

all we'll have to do is tell Jovell tomorrow,

and khallas, we are done, yeah?

I'm coming with you.

No, you're not coming with me.

I'm definitely coming with you.

You're not coming, Nate.

This is big-man dangerous things.

I don't want you there.

What do you think I've been working out for?

Whoa.

Now is that you, brother? - Yeah.

I've been working on my tris, yeah.

- Is that what that is? - Yeah.

I've been eating loads of raw eggs.

Raw eggs, yeah?

Okay, take the whole thing off.

Let man see the progress.

Yeah, what about me?

Can I do something?

It's all about resistance, man, really, yeah.

This is my kind of party.

- Huh? - Huh?

Man, not that kind of party.

It's not that kind of party.

Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

Don't be shy, don't be shy.

Let me show you.

- What? No. - I'm coming.

Go away.

What did you want to become when you were my age?

- Uh... - Apart from normal-looking.

Oi. This is about you, not me.

And I wanted to be a wrestler.

No one wants to see you in Lycra.

Do you know what? Shush, yeah.

You wanna do a medical degree and that's very tough.

It's not like Holby City.

You have to look at old men's bum grapes in their bums.

What do you know about being a doctor?

I wanted to be a doctor...

After the wrestling didn't work out.

Listen, it's tough,

but I know you can do it.

- You reckon? - Yeah, of course, man.

Heightened intelligence is in our genetic code, so...

I suppose you were kind of a doctor for a bit.

You did provide drugs

for a lot of the people in the local community.

Shush, man.

Listen, Aqsa.

Don't make the same mistakes I did, yeah?

You are so much better than me.

I'm being serious.

I'm not stupid.

And anyway,

I've got you to keep me on the straight and narrow,

ain't I?

Yeah.

Just watering the house plants.

What house plants?

Okay. Okay, this is my lota.

That's a very big utensil to wash your bum with.

- Clever idea, isn't it? - Yeah.

Uncle Shady, I can't believe I'm going to say this,

but I'm going to miss you

and your incredible house.

- It's not my house. - Sorry?

This is not my house, bastard.

Well, who's house have we been staying at

for the last three weeks then?

No idea.

You've got a picture of yourself in the hallway.

Well, who else picture I will have it on?

Have it on?

Nate!

Come on, baby girl!

Show him what time it is.

Let me concentrate!

Let me concentrate! - Are you really struggling?

Let me concentrate!

Oh...

No, no, no, that doesn't count.

NO, that doesn't count.

That doesn't count.

I was tired, because I've been using this arm earlier for-

Oi!

Whisking!

I've got it. I've got it.

I've got it. I haven't got it!

- All right, Nate. - Like a Nigerian Thanos.

So strong, isn't he?

Thanks, man.

Is it really true about the QE2?

Guess who I am?

Hmm? I don't know.

Oh...

Uncle Shady!

Yes, you are.

Okay, go on, do an impression then.

I don't like you lot.

Huh?

That's your voice.

No, no. That's just your voice.

Do Uncle Shady.

Okay. You're a fucking bastard.

Oi! You don't talk to her like that.

I'm kidding.

Say sorry.

Okay, sorry, bastard.

If you really wanna know,

it's only right that he tells you.

- Mm-mm. - Go on, Eight.

Tell her why you're called Eight.

- You listening? - Mm.

- What is four times four? - Sixteen.

Huh?

Um, then how many eights are in that then?

Two.

- Yeah, is my name Two? - No.

Well, then it's Eight then, innit?

What an idiot.

You thought it was four plus four, innit?

Yeah, she's the idiot.

You want to know why his name is really Eight?

Mm.

Because his mum dropped him on the head eight times

in the first week he was born.

He's chatting.

That didn't happen. - No, I'm not.

She's a very irresponsible woman.

I was there, he's chatting.

Makes sense.

No, it doesn't.

Because that's his middle name, you know.

Arslan "Accidental Droppings" Mughal.

I thought my middle name is Ashraf.

Oh!

Is it a joke?

Hey, well done.

Yeah. Did I get it right?

- Yeah. - You got it.

Yes!

Kasam, the first time he's heard it.

Yes! I got it, a joke.

You all right?

You haven't said a word in 20 minutes.

Yeah.

Don't worry about Jovell.

He- - Mobes...

I ain't coming.

Okay, just go home, wait with Eight.

I'll be there in a bit.

No, I'm...

I mean, after you settle this,

I'm not coming with you guys.

What?

I can't just leave Small Heath.

I've got a life here, man.

Nate, you're my day one.

You're my family.

I can't do life without you.

My family's here, my life's here.

I've got to make sure they're safe.

I understand, bro.

You do?

I'm going to miss you, man.

I'm going to miss you too, man.

Listen to me, boy.

I'm gonna go fix this, you go home.

No, we'll finish this together, come on.

Yeah?

Hey, yo, salaam, J.

Wallahi, every time I see you,

it's bad news.

Come on, Jovell.

You know it's not like that, bruv.

You brought your bodyguard with you?

Listen to me, Jovell.

I wanted to do this face to face.

That's how drug deals usually work, yeah.

Yeah, about that.

If you wanna deal with Khan,

you'll be doing it without me from now on.

Come again.

Listen to me.

He's got an informant in his crew.

Don't play games with me, Mobeen.

But if you want my advice,

just go ghost on this deal, man.

Lay low and stay out of trouble.

Safe for that.

Bro, I wanted you to hear this from me.

I'm not the snitch, man.

When I found out about this shit,

I decided I'm cutting tonight.

I'm gone from Small Heath for good.

All right.

And listen, bro.

I'm sorry about what happened with Shurwin.

Did they stem the blood loss from his bum hole?

Don't take the piss.

Sorry about your boy.

He wasn't really my boy, but thank you.

I went to the funeral.

You went to Nav's funeral?

Open casket.

Open casket? He didn't have a head.

I thought it was a cultural thing.

No.

If it wasn't for the polo neck,

I wouldn't have recognized him.

I've got a picture.

That is disg...

Let's have a look.

Armed police!

Freeze! Get your hands up!

What the fuck did you do?

Mobes.

Get down! Get the fuck down!

Show me your hands! Show me your hands!

All right. All right.

Down! Down!

- Snitch! - Don't run! Nate!

They'll shoot.

Nate, don't run.

Don't run, Nate.

Nate, what are you doing?

He didn't do anything!

Mobeen!

Let go of him!

- Mob! - He's done nothing.

He's done nothing.

You fucking pagans!

Let go of him!

Let go of him! Nate!

Hey.

You know he's did this, didn't he?

He's fucked us.

Khan. Fuck!

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Mobeen.

Hey, Mobes, it's her.

Keep it down. Keep it down.

Hey. Is that you then, Dr. Deen?

Yeah.

There's still a year to go

but this is just the start.

Hey, listen, you're not the only one with a year to go,

so...

You're the reason why I'm in here, bruv.

Now's not the time.

I miss you, Mobeen.

We miss you so much, man.

Give my mum my salaam, yeah.

Yeah.

Can we come to your graduation?

You better come.

I've gotta go.

I love you.

And Nate.

We love you, too, kiddo.

And we'll see you soon.

It's not going in my arse again.

Yeah, it is.

You are 6'5".

You've got more space up your rectum than me.

- 6'4". - Still bare space.

Yo, Mobeen. They've found Khan.

He's hiding in Karachi.

What?

What are you gonna do?

♪ My middle name is wave ♪

♪ Lemme illustrate how I spend my day ♪

♪ I be chilling with the committee invading crates ♪

♪ To the bottom of the bottle and my face concaves ♪

♪ Slave to a little bit of liquid dinner ♪

♪ Every day see my frame get a lickle thinner ♪

♪ The black widow tryna stack cheddar ♪

♪ And I rap better than ya clan ♪

♪ I'm a dan you're a chinchilla ♪

♪ Wake up get the rounds in ♪

♪ The town thinks that we're clowns cuz we down drinks ♪

♪ We bounce in and we pounce on the clerk ♪

♪ Yeah, we always got junk in the trunk like brown chicks ♪

♪ I be on my Chris brown tip ♪

♪ Chicks in the whip ♪

♪ She clutch on my stick with a grip so tight ♪

♪ Then she go down with them soft lips ♪