Original subtitles

Jessica, our son isvaledictorian of Harvard.

Crazy.

Louis, pipe down.

I gave you one rule for today, remember?

Don't talkin a wicked Boston accent

to order lobster chowder?

Okay, fine. Two rules.

And it's not crazy he's up there.

He's always shown signs of greatness.

Breakfast is served, suckas.

Boom. A literal food pyramid made from all 10 food groups.

Frozen fish sticks form the base,

so give her a sec to thaw before diving in.

10 food groups?Why is it moving?

I still can't believe you got a 1500 on your SAT.

I still can't believeyou haven't told Mom yet.

Boys, think.

I'm a high-school junior who doesn't listen well.

Fair.Cautiously following.

I'll tell Mom my score

when I really need a get-out-of-jail-free card,

like, for example, I'm in jail.

Yeah.Eddie, clean up the mess you made in the kitchen.

I got a 1500 on my SATs.

What?! Wow.

Eddie, I can't believe it!

I did it.

--Captions by VITAC--

♪ Fresh off the boat

♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat

♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin'

♪ I'm fresh off the boat

You really got a 1500 on the SAT?

Yep. A 750 on the verbal and...

whatever's left in math.

Amazing. I'm so proud of you.

Thank you.

See, Louis?

Me pushing Eddie all these years is finally paying off.

Top-tier colleges are back in play.

The football teams get worse,

but the starting salaries skyrocket.

You did fill in the oval

letting schools get your test scores, right?

I filled in every oval I saw --you know, better my chances.

1500, ladies and germs.

1-5-0-0.

Well, I better clean my pyramid mess.

No, no, no. You stay.

You deserve to rest.

I'll do the dishes. What the heck.

Maybe I'll even reconnect the dishwasher.

Was that a hug?

I've never seen your mother this happy.

That includes our wedding day,

but definitely not our wedding night.

We went for it.

Gross.

I don't trust this.

It's like when a stranger offersyou candy to get in their van.

I mean, you take it -- free candy --

but it never ends well.

Please tell me you've never gotten in

a stranger's van before.

Eddie, your mom

doesn't get to experience pure joy often.

She refuses to watch "Police Academy,"

doesn't "get dogs," calls Weird Al a hack.

Let her have this.

Eddie, forget the kitchen.

We're going out to celebrate!

Cele-what? Girl, I got school.

Not today. School can wait.

Dibs on the first dishwasher load.

♪ Baby, I got your money

♪ Hey, Dirty

♪ Baby, I got your money, don't you worry ♪

♪ I said hey, Dirty

♪ Baby, I got your money

♪ Hey, Dirty

♪ Dance if you caught up in the Holy Ghost trance ♪

♪ If you stop, I'm-a putthe killer ants in your pants ♪

♪ I'm the ODB, as you can see

♪ I'm just Dirt Dog trying to make some money ♪

♪ So give me my streaks and give me my honey ♪

♪ None of you, nuh, better look at me funny ♪

♪ Nuh, you know my name, now gimme my money ♪

♪ Hey

Man, I look like "Boyz n the Hood" Ice Cube,

Asian-boy edition.

Dope.

Motherand oval-filling son.

This stays here.

I don't wantyour Ivy League roommates

drooling overyour mother's flawless skin.

I don't know about the Ivy League.

I do! That 1500 changed the game.

We need to update your life-chart.

Evan has dibs on president,

but we can Kennedy this thing,

and you could be his attorney general.

Emery can be the drunk with the square head.

Oh, no.

Mom wrote "A Case of a Knife tothe Brain 2: The Second Knife"?

I'm penning my memoir.

I want to get my life story down

before things get intensein high school.

It'll be way less intense if you keep that to yourself.

I can't be America's firstDoctor-President

without publishing a memoir.

I even mocked up a cover.

I'll update the photowhen I'm old enough to run,

maybe grow some stubblefor the ladies --

crucial demo.

Cool.

I've outlined my next chapter --

"Evan Huang,HOA Vice President."

Matthew: How do you think this guy went out?

Big-game hunter,

or stepped in front of the wrong logging truck?

Pushing that much girth around the woods?

Heart disease all day.

Hey!

Mom liftedher bumper-sticker ban.

She wants you to put this onthe Cattleman's delivery car. Eddie: Great.

That's what you want on your bumper during rush hour.

Very rear-end-able.

You have a minute to talk?

Boss Talk or Dad Talk?

Dad Talk.

Okay.

It's me, Dad. What's up?

So, I've been thinkinga lot about college

ever since our UCLA trip.

Great trip.

Great trip,

but I don't think I wanta regular school.

I want to go to culinary school.

Culinary school?

Like for cooking.I know what it means -- sorta.

This is big, Eddie.

I know you're working at the restaurant with me,

but I didn't realize you were that passionate about this.

I didn't either,until it dawned on me

the thing I always getexcited about is food...

...creating it,cooking it, eating it.

I love food, Dad!

I love food, too, son.

I love food, too.

You're following in my footsteps.

Uh, my restaurant footsteps,

not my Cha Cha King of Taipei footsteps.

Ain't nobody following those.

Well, I'm glad you're opento culinary school.

Ma won't be.

Yeah.

No way she had this on my life-chart.

Hey, why don't you make her a meal,

show her your stuff,

and then we can talk about culinary school together?

Yeah, that'd be sick!

"Evan Huang for HOA Vice President:

One Deidre Heartbeat Away."

You said you worked as a mall elf

to "help my needy brothers"?

Iworked as a mall elf to help you!

Uh, time out.

You read my memoir?

Please tell me you wore the document gloves

sitting next to it.

You stole my story. You lied!

I'm just giving readers what they want -- a hero.

Who cares about the details?

I do.

You can't be presidentif you lie.

It's un-American.

Calling the first Asian President un-American?

Pretty racist.

This is amazing.

Your mom will have toconsider culinary school.

Each dish is inspired by her --

Anti-Hobo Stew, Chicken a la Stephen King,

Aw Hell Gnocchi.

I was out at the mailbox,

and I saw Deidre in the window.

Dummy took 20 minutes to notice my sweatshirt.

What's all this?Oh, I made dinner for you.

Why?

Oh, you put a baby in that redhead, didn't you?

Jessica! Whoa!

No.

I just wanted to say thank you

for everything you've done for me.

Aww!

You got a 1500 andyou cook.

You are going to make some womanI choose a great husband.

So, Mom,I was hoping we could talk.

Sure.

What did you want to --

Eddie got a letter from Harvard.

I'll open it so you don't cut your test fingers.

Okay with you? Great!

Aah!

"Dear Edwyn Huang,

we received your SAT scores

and want to schedule an interview

with one of our alumni"?

Ah!

Harvard wants to send an alum here to my house

to interview Eddie, my son.

Louis: No chance they send Bill Gates, right?

Because I still can't get the printer to do landscape.

I got to get moving. I got to call Connie to gloat.

I got to redecorate the house to Ivy League standards,

polish the fine china.

Fun fact -- that's my bowling nickname.

Dad, I want to go to culinary school.

Do I really have to do this interview?

It'd just be a waste of time.

Not for your mom.

Ho, ho, ho!

Not a "yo mama" joke. Sorry.

Eddie, she's worked hard

your whole lifeto give you this opportunity.

Just let her have this,and then we can talkto her about culinary.

Fine. I'll do it -- for her.

Good.

And if,for whatever reason,

cooking school doesn't pan out...

Pan out. Nice.

...Harvard is not the worst backup.

Speak for yourself.

I ain't built for those Pennsylvania winters.

No, Harvard is... Yeah.

Aah! Ahh.

Pay up, Barbie.

Hey, why are you so quiet there,Emory, huh?

Those freshman girls got your tongue?

Evan's writing a memoir,

and he's stealing stories,making things up.

Well, he's just spinning yarns

like we used to do in the Navy -- harmless.

Not like those dirty Marines.

They're actual liars.

N-- O-kay. You can g--

Emery, your brother'sin eighth grade.

That's a tough time.

He's probably justtooting his own horn.Yeah.

Maybe I am overreacting.

I'm glad you guys think it's okay

since you're all in his memoir, too.

We are? Yeah? Yeah.

You should see how he described Liza's birth.

Oh, Marvin! Where are the keys?

This baby is coming!I can't find 'em!

Oh, this is all too much,even for a Navy man.

Oh, no.

Ohh. I'm fainting.

Oh, who could blame you?

There's not a man alive who canhandle this kind of pressure.

I will deliver the baby.

Honey, give me two deep breaths.

1, 2...

There she is.

We'll call her Liza.

I had a 17-hour labor

with a rare diagonal breach,no epidural,

and that nerd is trying totake it away from me?

I warned Evan, but he didn't listen.

He's stubborn.

That's why he'll be a good politician.

He only cares about the votes.

And Navy men don't faint!

They pass out and hit the ground hard

with their pants off and their shoes on, like men.

Why does our house looklike a Vermont B&B

inside a whaling ship?

I want Harvard to feel at home for Eddie's interview.

The theme is "New England Snoot."Smart.

Eddie: Ma,

do I really have to wear all this?

I mean, look at me.

I want to kick my ass.Eddie, you look great --

like a hip1970s IBM executive.

Places. Places, everyone.

Together: Afta-noon!

Hello. That wasn't creepy at all.

Andy Richter?

You know this intelligent man?

Oh, he's the co-host of"Late Night with Conan O'Brien."

The talk show?I understand zero of those words.

Yeah, it's a great job.

I sit on the couch and laugh at Conan's jokes.

Hey, me too.

Alright, look, it's not that easy, okay?

I mean, there's...lights and stuff.

So, Andy,you're a Harvard alum?

Oh, God, no. My name is Andy. Come on.

No, but Conan is,

and sometimes he does interviews for them,

and then he asks me to do the interviews for him.

Mm. I like this Conan.

Eh, everybody does. He's Conan.

He's tall, he's handsome, he signs my checks.

So, uh,can I get you anything?

Tea? Something to eat?

My "Simpsons" spec scriptto give to Conan?

Uh, no, it's alright. I'll just talk to Eddie.Okay.

And you know what? I will have something to eat.

And drink.

Evan, thank you for the block-party update.

My pleasure.

Gonna be a scorcher out there, so sunscreen up, girls.

Up next

are elections for HOA Vice President.

Any nominations?

Uh, I nominate Emery Huang.

I accept.

For those who don't know me, I'm a spelling-bee champ,

writing a memoir, and love a tucked-in polo!

Those are my credentials.

Just giving people what they want.

It takes a lot of marbles

to sideswipe the guy holding a wooden hammer.

-Ooh!

Whoa, Eddie. You really nailed the SATs.

What was that like?

Tough.I filled in so many ovals,

I didn't have the strengthto zip up my pants for a week.

Well, zippers are complicated.

I think the Amish are ahead of the curve on that one.

Jessica: Oh, don't mind me.

Just taking Eddie's cello to the conservatory.

Ooh! Cello -- the man's violin.

Well, actually,I'm more of a beatboxer.

No kidding! Let 'er rip.

♪ Ah-booty, booty, booty jam

No, no, over here, ignore that now!

Eddie's telescope.

Houston, we have a genius.

Gosh, maybe it would be easier if I just interviewed you.

Great idea.

Well, uh, Eddie, do you have any questions

for me, for Conan, for Harvard?

Yes.

How hard will they make him work?

Eddie loves hard work.

Huh? Huh.

Well, he didn't at first.

I've always had to push him to succeed.

Eddie, focus!

Aah! Where's my bed?!

Beds are for people who work hard.

Recommit yourself to school and hard work,

you get your bed back.

Mom?

For the next three months

while I'm busy studying for grad school,

you will be by my side PSAT prepping.

Study buddies.

Wow. You've really done a lot for Eddie.

I drive my boys to be the best.

Jessica don't raise mediocre.

That's actually very helpful to hear.

Yes, that's why I said it.

Alright, well, uh, I've got to get going.

"Conan" has another interview in Daytona Beach.

Uh, hey, Andy.

Uh, complimentary basket of oranges.

My "Simpsons" spec scriptis on the bottom.

Homer takes Lisa square dancingand then loses her.

It's called "Do-Si-D'oh!"

Yeah, perfect.

They're always hungry for ideasfrom the random public.

Really? That's great.

Mm.

So, what did you think of Eddie?What will you tell the school?

Should I preorder my license plate for him now?

Okay, look, I've done a lot of these things,

and Harvard is not gonna be a fit.

What?

Oh, it was his mouth-rapping, wasn't it?

Oh, no, no, that was excellent --

I mean, Michael Winslow-nian.

No, i-it's not so much Eddie as it is you.

Me?

Yeah, you're a bit of a helicopter mom,

and Harvard's found that, when a parent is so...invested

that the kid tends to fizzle out

once they're finally on their own.

Eh, helicopter mom, that's not me.

Hey, who put this in my room?

Well, thanks for the oranges.

Eddie can't go to Harvard because of me.

Jessica. I pushed you your whole life

for a school like Harvard, but I pushed too hard.

I failed you. What?

No, I wasn't thatbig on Harvard anyways.

I mean, their mascot's a friggin' color.

Well, I guess there are other top schools.

Why, it is the Ivy League after all.

Or there are other options.

Okay, new plan!

We go to the schools to interview.

We ambush them.

I'll find the admissions director,

tell him that if he doesn't accept Eddie,

it's time for some smacks --

hitting smacks, not kissing smacks.

Ma, you don't have to do that.

Of course I do. I ruined Harvard!

You didn't ruin it, because I didn't want to go to college.

I want to go to culinary school.

Then I guess I really did fail you as a mother.

Okay. I'll tally the votes.

Hey, dingbat. What the "H" was that?

You took credit for my success,

plucked my feathers for your cap.

I was just proving a point.

Well, this isn't a joke, kid.

This is the doggone HOA Vice Presidency! Mm.

Doesn't feel so goodwhen someone stealsyour story, does it?

The dark underbelly of plagiarism.

Evan, you saw how everyone reacted

when I shared your story.

It's powerful enoughon its own.

When you get to high school,

the operating room, the oval office...

you don't need to be anythingother than who you are.

I love that guy.

Alright, y'all.

Congrats to the new Vice President,

Emery Huang!

This -- This is why

we need to do away with the popular vote.

Here's the thing, kids, but I've taken this sucker

to 150 miles an hour on a residential street.

Matthew: Taking the ranchon the road.

Brings me back to my Dolly days --

minus the groupies and the wigs.

Oh, you worked at Dollywood?

I wasn't sure, because you haven't mentioned it

since yesterday.

Yo, Pops.Ma's not doing so well.

Louis: Oh, yowza. Mac and cheese?

And we're out of LACTAID.

This is my fault.

I shouldn't have pushed you to do that interview.

No, it's my bad.

I knew she'd hate culinary school,

but I thoughtshe'd be mad, not sad.

I broke Mom.

Meatball: Okay, everybody.

Let's keep that energy going for Jessica Huang,

who's singing next.

♪ Listen as your day unfolds

♪ Challenge what the future holds ♪

♪ Try and keep your head up to the sky ♪

Oof. I heard Harvard's out.♪ Lovers, they may cause you tears ♪

Yeah, well, Andy Richter called her a bad mom.

♪ Go ahead, release your fears ♪

Aw, hell no.♪ Show up and be counted

♪ Don't be ashamed to cry ♪

♪ Herald what your mother said ♪

♪ Read the books your father read ♪

♪ Try to solve your puzzles in your own sweet time ♪

♪ You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold ♪

♪ You gotta be wiser

♪ You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough ♪

♪ You gotta be stronger

♪ You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm ♪

♪ You gotta stay together

♪ All I know, all I know, love will save the day ♪

♪ Time asks no questions

♪ It goes on without you

♪ Leaving you behind

If you try to suspend our son because of this,

we will sue everyone in this school.

♪ You can't stop it if you try to ♪

♪ The best part is danger...

If Oscar Chow hadn't dumped me,

I never would have met your father.

I wouldn't be here.

And that would be tragic.

♪ You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold ♪

♪ You gotta be wiser

♪ You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough ♪

♪ You gotta be stronger

♪ All I know, all I know, love will save the day ♪

Okay, I hope you're not wearing synthetic fibers,

'cause they're about to set the dance floor on fire.

It's Honey and Marvin.

♪ You see a faded sign by the side of the road ♪

♪ That says 15 miles to the ♪

♪ Love shack!

Eddie, you didn't need to do that. Yes, I did.

Think about all the times you've swooped in to save me.

You've always been there for me.

You're the best mom ever.

I'm not terrible?

Sure, you pushed me -- a lot.

Like, I'm probably gonna have to go talk it through

with a professional at some point,

but I'm glad you did,

because it taught me to fight for what I want.

Dirty if you have to.

I know it's not what you planned,

but I want to go to culinary school.

And I just wantwhat's best for you.

That's all I ever wanted.

I know, but I'm not gonna quit.

I'm never gonna quit,because I'm Jessica Huang's kid.

Marvin: You're what?

Tiiiiin roof!

Oh. Rusted!

Amazing duet yesterday.

I would've joined in,but Chestnut threw

a piping-hot potato wedgeat Trent. Good.

You do that thing where you cup your ear,

but it's still pitchy.

Uh, it's called harmonizing?

Look, about Eddie.

I know we always wantedhim to go to college,

but he has his own dreams.

Louis, we worked so hard to get him here.

He has a golden opportunity.

I don't want him to throw it all away.

Well, you know, we werehis age when we left Taiwan,

and isn't this why,

so our kids could pursuetheir own dreams?

How am I so bad at fakeskateboarding and you're a god?

You got slow thumbs, Eddie.

Tina, can you give us a minute?

You got it, Jess.

Still weird.

So, are you still into this whole cooking-school thing?

Yeah.

Okay, fine. You can go.

Really?!

That's it?

No one's going to stop my son

from getting what he wants, not even me.

But you are going to the top one.

Really, Mom?

Another life-chart?

This one...

you fill out yourself.

I'd use a pencil, son.

You never know. Things can change.

And I reserve the right tocorrect whatever you get wrong.

Like it or not, I'm not going anywhere.

♪ Yeah

Ohh. I'm so proud of him.

Our little Evan.

...and my brother, Emery,

who taught me to be true to myself.

And now he's starring in cellphone commercials.

I'm sure you've all heard his catchphrase.

"No, boss,it's a text message!"

You know, Louis,

I'm actually glad your mother's here,

even like this.

I'm going to bea big ole mess later.

Eddie: Yo, when this thing wrap up?

I got Trent running my restaurant,

and his narcolepsy's flaring up.

I don't know how, but we did it.

Yep.

I did.Evan: Thank you.

No, I said --