All language subtitles for The_Great_North_S05E08

-♪ Look up there ♪
-♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

-♪ Like a rock ♪
-♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

[cheering]

...and Dad's convincing
turbulence got a rave.

I simply turn
the wheel like this.

[grunting]

The reviewer also says
"One child on our voyage

was so scared he wet himself."

I still can't figure out
how you fake peeing your pants.

Right. Fake.

"I give this spooky ship
five out of five stars"?

Hell yeah.

Congratulations, son.
Your spooky ship

is a bona fide hit.

Thanks. We didn't want
to get ahead of ourselves,

but we did go ahead
and order 50,000 business cards

declaring us double CEOs
of Spooky Ship Incorporated.

We've never ordered
that many before.

Hmm. I wonder if we need
to buy a local ad

to make sure
we stay in business.

Oh, we could mortgage the house
and get you a Super Bowl spot.

Then where would we live?

Oh, at, the, uh, Super Bowl.

Great idea. I love nachos.

-[phone vibrates]
-Oh, my God, everyone shut up.

That's what I've been saying
for literally my entire life.

Honeybee,
Alaska Alan just booked a seat

-on our next voyage.
-What? Oh, my God.

Uh, I know I'm supposed
to be shutting up,

but is this good or bad?

Could go either way.
Alaska Alan, aka "A.K.A.,"

is the most influential reviewer
on TravelDabbler.com.

He either gives your business
a Definitely-Do Dolphin

or a No-Way Narwhal,
and there's nothing in between.

When he Def-Do-Dolphined
the burlesque theater

in Ted's Folly--
"The Ted's Folly Follies"--

they had a line
around the block.

But when he No-Way Narwhaled
Jeff's Auto Glass in Kodiak?

Girl, it tanked so hard
that Jeff briefly kidnapped

and tortured Alaska Alan,
aka A.K.A., for revenge.

So, this is
a make-or-break for us,

and we're gonna have to deliver.

And your whole family will be
there to help you impress Alan.

Oh, I'd also love to get
enough of those business cards

to give out to all my friends.

So I guess I'll take,
like, five.

Wow. It was fun to roll around
on our business cards.

-You were right.
-Hot dang. We've arrived.

You know,
sometimes I used to worry

I was always just
gonna maybe be a guy

who worked on his dad's boat.

But not anymore.

I'm gonna be a guy who runs
my own part-time business

on my dad's boat.

I can't wait for my haters
to find out

when we get
that Definitely-Do Dolphin.

I hate your haters.
Especially Barb.

All we got to do
is knock Alan's socks off.

It'll be like
taking socks from a baby.

Yeah. He'd never give us
a No-Way Narwhal. Right?

[scoffs]
No way he would.

We got this.

[both]
Mwah.

It'll be fine.

Yep, so fine.

Is it hot in here? I'm sweating.

Not because I'm nervous
about getting a bad review.

It's probably just
because Alaska is so hot.

Yeah. Yeah.
That's, uh, probably it.

[both sigh]

♪ ♪

[both shout]

[both]
I thought you were still in bed.

No, I woke up in the middle
of the night

and didn't want to disturb you
so I made a pillow me.

So, what were you up doing?

Oh, I was
researching Alaska Alan.

-I figured we could--
-Find out all about him
and tailor

-the spooky ship to him?
-So he doesn't give us
a bad review?

And ruin
our entrepreneurial dreams?

My God, I just fell in love
with you all over again.

Should we renew our vows?

No time. We've got a lot to do.

Let's revamp
the heck out of this sail.

But first,
let's make the pillows kiss.

Oh, yeah. Just a little bit.

[both]
Mwah.

Okay, team Tobin,

Operation Alaska Alan,

aka Operation A.K.A.,
is a go.

-Let's review the new material.
-Wolf, are you sure you guys

-want to make all these changes?
-Yeah.

Adding all this new stuff
last minute

could easily turn this sail
into a slamming-door farce,

where everything
that can go wrong does.

Well, that's not gonna
happen today.

Nothing's going wrong, okay?

We're just gonna be calm
and focus on Alan.

Starting with
our new special desserts. Ham?

I switched from pirate puffs
to Jolly Roger jelly donuts,

'cause donuts are Alan's fave.

Judy, I put your new costume
in the bunk room.

How's the new monologue coming?
Almost memorized?

You keep giving me
script changes, so mostly.

-Jerry, you know
what you're doing?
-Wearing my bigfoot costume

and serving Bellinis?

Yes, because Alan loves brunch
and the Philadelphia Flyers.

If he asks,
you are "Bleached Gritty."

And Alan lives
for a shiny floor.

He raved about
the new lobby floor

at the Subaru dealership
in Anchorage,

so this deck is waxed.

To sum up, everything's perfect
and nothing will go wro-ah-ah...

Wolf, are you okay?

-Uh, yeah.
-Oh, no, you're bleeding.

This baby will scab up
in no time.

And I guess I'll make a new,
last-minute batch of donuts.

[chuckles]
How relaxing.

Well, one thing was bound
to go wrong today,

and it looks like
we just got it out of the way.

You're welcome, milady.

That Definitely-Do Dolphin
is so in the bag,

it's practically suffocating.

Someone call the fish police.

[laughs]

-Uh, what?
-All right, hands in,

let's say "Ding-dang
Def-Do Dolph" on three.

-Uh, D... [shouts]
-Oh, my gosh.

Thank you all for coming.
Yes, we did blackmail

-most of you,
but we're glad you're here.
-Yeah, yeah.

You shouldn't have told us
about your weekend

at Bonnaroo, Delmer.

And do not worry
about my head injury.

I'm bleeding
a very normal amount

and I'm only dizzy in a fun way.

So, Alaska Alan will be
reviewing our spooky ship today.

-This guy is our target.
-Wolf. Put that away.

We can't let Alan see that.

He'd think we're obsessed
with him.

No being weird to Alan.

Right you are.
Now everybody chant with me:

"No one be weird to Alan."

[all chanting]
No one be weird to Alan.

-No one be weird to Alan.
-Wolf, stop. Here he comes.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy,
oh, boy, oh, boy.

-Act regular!
-[grunts]

Ahoy. Welcome aboard
The Mighty Haunted Beef.

Ah, salutations, salutations.

It is I, a perfectly
ordinary tourist.

No one special.
[chuckles]

Oh, wow, these floors.
I can see myself in them.

I feel like I'm at
a Subaru dealership.

[Ham]
I only had enough
ingredients on board

to make one batch, so please
tell me they taste good.

Ugh, these taste like
the pie I made

with the last of my eggs
after a year in the bunker.

Oh, my God, these eggs
expired ten years ago.

They must have been on the boat
since we got it.

Mmm-- ugh. Oh, yeah,
that takes me back.

-Dirt, stop eating those!
-[door opens]

Ham. Hammy. Hamarama.

-Aunt Dirt.
-[laughs] Hi, Wolf.

Fine, thank you.

Just coming in
to grab some aspirin.

I ding-donged my bing-bong

harder than I thought
on the deck of the, uh...

uh, what's the thing
I'm thinking of?

It's wooden, it floats,
it goes...

[imitates ship horn blowing]

-A boat?
-Oh, that's it. Yeah. A boat.

And how are the boatnuts
coming along?

-Actually, these donuts are--
-The best batch yet.

Great.
[gulps]

Well, that'll stop
the bleeding.

Off I go.

[chuckles]
"Boat." What a fun word.

Marlee Matlin's
Maltese mongoose.

Marlee Matlin's
Maltese mongoose--

Knock, knock. Hmm.

Why aren't you wearing
your new costume chains?

Oh, I tried,
but they're way too heavy

-to put on my... [shouts]
-And turn

-and turn and turn.
-[Judy grunting]

Alan's a stickler
for wardrobe authenticity.

He panned his niece's
elementary school play

because their Jean Valjean was
wearing a Baby Yoda sweatshirt.

You know, Honeybee...
[groans]

...I've been meaning
to talk to you

about my process as an actor--

Whoops. Time to go warm up
the fog machine

or it will come out lumpy.

-30 minutes till you're on.
-Thank you, 30.

Uh-oh. Better unlock that.

[straining]

And I'm stuck.
[inhales]

Honeybee!

Red alert.
Quinn's on board and I do not

want to pee my pants
in front of her.

-Can you hide me?
-I'll tell you what.

You go buy four dozen jelly
donuts at the Donut Dinghy,

and I'll let you hide in
the cupboards when you get back.

Oh, bring me the change.

Oh, Ham. You beautiful fool.

[Beef]
Ah, nothing like

a relaxing sail.

Just me
and that kooky old gal the sea.

[chuckles]

Huh. Now what was this string

on my finger
supposed to remind me of?

I wish I could say
that doesn't bother me,

but now I fear
I shall be driven to madness.

-Oh, how's the head?
-[laughs] Lot of pain,

some things look double,
but I'm chillin'.

Well, it's ten minutes
till departure time,

but everyone's checked in
and all systems are go.

-Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
-Yep.

Alan gave Delta flight 19273
to New Mexico a rave

when they took off
seven minutes early.

Well, then, eat our dust,

Delta flight 19273
to New Mexico.

What? Why is the boat leaving?

Moon isn't back. Oh, no.

[grunting]

-Mmm.
-[all] This is bad.

Alan's log, 5:50 p.m.

Begin review. Start.
[clears throat]

I never thought
I'd again feel the rush

of Delta flight 19273's
early departure to New Mexico...

[chuckles]
...and yet, and yet,

it seems life has other plans.

[gasps] This is great.
Look how he's smiling.

Adam loves it.

-Alan.
-Him, too.

Uh, hello, sir.
[chuckles]

I'm acting normal. Goodbye.

Alan's log. Resume review.

So far, the journey
is more sail than fail,

and I'm hoping to catch
a glimpse of a whale.

[laughs]
Oh, now, that's very good.

Uh, note to self:
do not delete that one.

-[Jerry] Roar!
-[people gasping]

-Oh!
-[Honeybee] Sasquatch? Hmm.

More like Sas-quench.

Everyone, open wide
for some Bigfoot Bellinis.

Doesn't he look
just like Gritty, folks?

Ooh. Very nice.

And now a little something
for your ears to sip on.

A haunted history talk.
Take it away, Wolf.

Alaska. America's severed head.

Oh, well, that certainly
paints a picture.

Inside that head--
owie, owie, owie--

a skull
full of terrifying stories.

Ow, hurts so bad.

Wow. My family abandoned me.

Yes!

Hmm. Hello, Bethany.

One extra-large Joltin' Jazzed

Maximum Caffeine
Dulce De Leche Latte, please.

Mm, Carissa said I have
to check I.D. for those.

[chuckles]
This enough I.D. for you?

Coming right up, sir.

Hiya, Beef.
Okay if I hide out with you?

I don't have a good poker face.

Ah, yes, I remember
from our poker night,

when you announced,
"Well, well, well,

"the three of clubs,
just the card I was looking for

to complete my four of a kind."

I did need that card.

I got to warn you, though,
I'm a bit preoccupied.

I can't remember why I tied
this string to my finger.

Oh, I'm your guy, then.

I've been taking
these memory classes online

from the BrainCrunch Bros.

All right, then,
let's open up my skull

-and get to crunching.
-[Wolf] Glaciers,

[slurring]
they're like i-ice cubes,

and Ice Cube is good at rapping,

and wrapping is what makes
Christmas presents great.

[Jerry]
Are you sure
Wolf's head is okay?

He sounds like you after you got
your wisdom teeth pulled

and he's moving like
one of those inflatable guys

at the car wash.

...and off to your right,
you'll see,

oh, you'll see,
you'll see, oh...

♪ Say can you see? ♪

C, D, E, F, G.

Gee, do you ever wonder

why only one
of the gremlins was hot?

No offense to anyone here.

Alan's log.
Our host has great energy,

but his haunted history speech
is meandering.

Oh, uh, reminder to self
to rewatch Gremlins.

Apparently, one of them
is quite attractive.

Let's talk Snorks!

Everyone give Wolf
a big round of applause.

-[cheers, applause]
-Okay, sweetie,
you seem really out of it.

Should we turn back?
Get that noggin checked out?

What? No!
Alaska Alan is on board.

We're gonna get that, uh, uh,
d-- uh, thing we wanted.

See? You can't even remember
the Definitely-Do Dolphin.

Uh, just because
I can't remember it

doesn't mean it's not important.

Oh, we're so close to whatever
our dreams are I can Snork it.

Okay, you're right,
but let's speed this up.

You go get the donuts,
I'll go get Judy.

And then, we'll both get
that Def-Do-Dolph.

See? I remembered.

[laughs]
I'm fine.

Judy, open up.
You're going on early.

-[Judy] I can't!
-What do you mean you can't?

This is no time
for a diva moment.

On deck in five or you're fired.

-Thank you, five.
-[Walt] All right, Beef,

let's take a journey inside
your beautiful mind palace.

Uh, these memory exercises

aren't like meditation,
though, right?

-Because that always
puts me to sleep.
-Oh, heck no.

You don't even have
to close your eyes.

[BrainCrunch Bro voice]
All right, bros, let's drop in.

-Start by counting
backwards from ten.
-[soothing music playing]

-Ten, nine...
-[snoring]

-...eight, seven...
-Beef. Wake up, buddy.

-[yawns] We can't...
-...six, five...

-[snoring]
-...four...

Hey, Ham. Uncle Dust.

We're ready for the, uh...
oh, you know,

they're the-the...
things that... round...

uh, uh, sweet circle holes?

You know, uh, for mouth?

-The donuts?
-That's the them.

Just, uh, give me
a few minutes, okay?

Nothing's wrong in here.

Oh, nothing's wrong
in here, either.

[laughs]
Wink, wink.

Okay, bought some time.

Let me just, uh...
"Instant desserts.

Only ingredients:
corn and water."

-Dang it, I got to go
find some reception.
-Yeesh.

Oh, those donuts
are biting back.

Time to pay the toilet piper.
[grunts]

-[snoring]
-[BrainCrunch Bro voice] Whoa.

Your mind palace is sick, bro.

[shouts]

[screams]
Oh, no, no, no, no!

[sighs]
Okay, well,

at least I'm off the hook
on the donuts.

And that's everything that's
happened to me since birth.

Bethany? Another round, please.

Alan's log.
This sail has hit a doldrums.

I may be aboard,
but I'm also bored.

Oh, no. We're losing him.
Better cue Judy.

What's that I hear?
Chains rattling?

Why, it must be the keeper
of souls from fathoms below,

come to tell you
her tale of woe.

Oh, thank God.

-Oh, no.
-Hey, guys.

Good news, I remembered
my favorite Snork. Chunky Smork.

Uh-uh. Okay, everyone, enjoy
the complimentary ocean views.

BRB. I mean, B-R-Boo.

Oh. Uh, sorry,
but a-are you Maude,

from Maude's All Day Diner?

I remember you.

I think I reviewed
your restaurant, yes?

Um, no. I-I'm Tiffany.

Tiffany Hamburguesa.

From Spain. Um, taxi.

Oh, my goodness, why is Maude
saying she's not Maude?

Hold on. There's the guy
from the Hoagie Pony?

And the owner
of the Russian Restaurant.

These are all people I reviewed.

Alan's log.
Incoming transmission from me.

There are multiple people
aboard this spooky sail

whose businesses
I've reviewed badly.

Have I been lured into a trap?

I fear another kidnapping
is afoot.

Wolf, what happened
with the donuts?

-And where is Ham?
-[laughs] And why is Ham?

And why do birds...

♪ Suddenly appear ♪

♪ Every time you are near? ♪

Oh, God, this is bad.
We have no food

or entertainment and you need
to go to the hospital--

Okay, but listen,
listen, li-li-listen.

-I think we should get married.
-Okay,

I have to go figure out
how to stave the day.

You, uh, sit right here,
stay awake

and, uh, rank all the gremlins
in terms of hotness.

And then we'll get married.

-Uh-huh.
-Okay, I'm gonna start my list

with Chunky Smork,
for obvious reasons.

[BrainCrunch Bro voice]
Your memory is a muscle.

Let's get swole.

[creaking]

-Whoa...
-Whoa!

What the...? Oh, my.

Oh, no. Alan's log.

Possibly final Alan's log.
My therapist was wrong.

It can happen again,
and everyone is out to get me.

I am being abducted.

-[panting, grunts]
-Hey.

-Oh, God, oh, God, pick up.
-[Edna] Go for Chief Edna.

[Alan over phone] Kidnapping...

-Mighty Beef...
-[static crackling]

-held hostage!
-[disconnect tone]

Welp, there goes
my peaceful evening

of stalking my ex online.

Alan's log. I'm gonna play nice
until the police arrive.

But if I don't make it out,
Debra,

please know that even though
we divorced seven years ago,

I will always think of you
as a terrible person.

[Dirt]
You better get out of there

or something very bad
is gonna happen.

Ah, good evening, ma'am.
Just walking. Very normal.

Here. I found my rough copy
of Judy's monologue

for you to do
since she refuses to come out

of her dressing room.

Uh, you don't need
to be off-book.

Good, because I don't know
what that means.

Moon, you're cut off.

Cut off?
This is the thanks I get

for all the work
I've done in here?

I'll give you three bucks
to pump some caramel

right into my mouth.

You're out of here
in five seconds

or I'm calling your dad.

[panting]

-[tires screech]
-[screams]

[wails]

-[tires screech]
-[shouts]

Moon, stop running.

I haven't stretched.

I am the ghost of the ocean.

-Don't look right at Alan.
-[whimpers]

Oh, wait, I don't think I was
supposed to read that part.

Wow, what a show.
I'm very satisfied.

Now if you don't mind,
my black belt karate instructor

is expecting me back on shore.

No, he's too furry
to be number 43.

Come on, Wolf.
[grunts]

Oh, right.
That-That's why I'm in here.

I was getting
the Jolly Roger jelly donuts

to serve everyone on board.

Hey, Wolf. Wait,
where you going with those?

To serve them to the guests.

-No, no, no, no, no.
-No, no, these are mine.

[device beeps]

[Wolf over speaker]
Let me go.

Oh, no, it's the...

uh, ghosts. Ooh.

[Wolf]
This is our one chance
to get Alan.

-[whimpers]
-And we're gonna show him.

We'll show him
what we're capable of.

I knew it. I knew it.
You're all trying to kill me.

-I knew it.
-What?

All right, Alan,
time for you to finally eat it.

-[yells]
-[all screaming]

Don't eat those. They're poison!

-Eat it.
-[screams]

[grunts]
Oh, no. I fell asleep.

[Ham shouts]

[screams]

Yes.

Nevertheless, she... never mind.

[grunts]

I got you.

[screams]

-Help me.
-[shouts]

[Honeybee]
Alan! Wait!

No, no. No!

-No! No!
-[grunts]

-Oh, hey, Alan.
-Get away from me.

-[siren wailing]
-[grunting]

Get your hands off my brother!

-Who are you?
-Moon, no!

For Valhalla!

[screaming]

So, no one here
wanted to kill me?

No. We just wanted to get
a Definitely-Do Dolphin

really badly.

That's why we made
those binders.

We did a ton of research
to personalize this sail to you.

I know this may be hard
to believe,

but we haven't been doing
this spooky ship business

-for that long.
-No, that part was-was clear.

But boy, do we love it.
We were so sure

we finally figured out
what to do with our lives.

But now, we're for sure
getting that No-Way Narwhal.

-My haters are gonna love this.
-[chuckles]

How old are you guys?

Uh, 23 and 22.

Okay, well, when I was 22,

my business card said,
"Enron intern,"

and guess what happened?

It was shuttered in a scandal?

No, no, I got fired for selling
candy bars in the bathroom.

You see what I mean?

It may be my head injury
speaking,

but I don't think I do.

I think what Alan is trying
to say is: life is long.

And it's great that you love
running a spooky ship now,

but if this job
doesn't work out,

a new ship will be pulling
into the harbor soon enough.

So maybe don't put
so much pressure on yourself.

I guess we do have
new, amazing ideas all the time.

And even a million business
cards probably aren't worth

people dying from head injuries
and poison donuts.

[gasps] My God. I remember
what the string was for.

It was to remind me to say:
"Good luck with the sail today.

-I hope it goes great."
-Huh?

[screams]

-[grunts]
-[shouting]

All right,
let's rescue your siblings

and get everyone
to the hospital.

-[gasps] Alan's review is up.
-What'd he say?

He said, "For the first time
in my life on a haunted tour,

I felt genuine terror. And..."

whoa, he invented
a new category for us.

The "Porpoise of Perhaps:

"for attractions
you don't have to check out,

but perhaps you should."

And we're its first recipients.

So, what do you think, babe,
want to keep doing the sail?

Perhaps we will,
perhaps we won't,

-but either way,
we're gonna be fine.
-[Dirt belches]

-Dirt, please stop eating those.
-Make me, bitch.

♪ You're made of foam,
I'm made of feather ♪

♪ But it feels like home
when we're together ♪

♪ If I had a heart,
it would skip a beat ♪

♪ It's a work of art
when our lips meet ♪

♪ I may not be a man
in a way that's anatomic ♪

♪ But support you I can
in a way that's ergonomic ♪

♪ I might just be a cushion,
but baby, hear me out ♪

♪ The agenda that I'm pushing
is for us to touch mouths ♪

♪ No more pillow talk,
let's just pillow kiss ♪

♪ Who knew that love
could feel like this? ♪

-♪ I can't get my fill, oh ♪
-♪ It's always a thrill, oh ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm in love
with a pillow. ♪

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