Original subtitles

-♪ Look up there ♪ -♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

-♪ Like a rock ♪ -♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

[cheering]

...and Dad's convincing turbulence got a rave.

I simply turn the wheel like this.

[grunting]

The reviewer also says "One child on our voyage

was so scared he wet himself."

I still can't figure out how you fake peeing your pants.

Right. Fake.

"I give this spooky ship five out of five stars"?

Hell yeah.

Congratulations, son. Your spooky ship

is a bona fide hit.

Thanks. We didn't want to get ahead of ourselves,

but we did go ahead and order 50,000 business cards

declaring us double CEOs of Spooky Ship Incorporated.

We've never ordered that many before.

Hmm. I wonder if we need to buy a local ad

to make sure we stay in business.

Oh, we could mortgage the house and get you a Super Bowl spot.

Then where would we live?

Oh, at, the, uh, Super Bowl.

Great idea. I love nachos.

-[phone vibrates] -Oh, my God, everyone shut up.

That's what I've been saying for literally my entire life.

Honeybee, Alaska Alan just booked a seat

-on our next voyage. -What? Oh, my God.

Uh, I know I'm supposed to be shutting up,

but is this good or bad?

Could go either way. Alaska Alan, aka "A.K.A.,"

is the most influential reviewer on TravelDabbler.com.

He either gives your business a Definitely-Do Dolphin

or a No-Way Narwhal, and there's nothing in between.

When he Def-Do-Dolphined the burlesque theater

in Ted's Folly-- "The Ted's Folly Follies"--

they had a line around the block.

But when he No-Way Narwhaled Jeff's Auto Glass in Kodiak?

Girl, it tanked so hard that Jeff briefly kidnapped

and tortured Alaska Alan, aka A.K.A., for revenge.

So, this is a make-or-break for us,

and we're gonna have to deliver.

And your whole family will be there to help you impress Alan.

Oh, I'd also love to get enough of those business cards

to give out to all my friends.

So I guess I'll take, like, five.

Wow. It was fun to roll around on our business cards.

-You were right. -Hot dang. We've arrived.

You know, sometimes I used to worry

I was always just gonna maybe be a guy

who worked on his dad's boat.

But not anymore.

I'm gonna be a guy who runs my own part-time business

on my dad's boat.

I can't wait for my haters to find out

when we get that Definitely-Do Dolphin.

I hate your haters. Especially Barb.

All we got to do is knock Alan's socks off.

It'll be like taking socks from a baby.

Yeah. He'd never give us a No-Way Narwhal. Right?

[scoffs] No way he would.

We got this.

[both] Mwah.

It'll be fine.

Yep, so fine.

Is it hot in here? I'm sweating.

Not because I'm nervous about getting a bad review.

It's probably just because Alaska is so hot.

Yeah. Yeah. That's, uh, probably it.

[both sigh]

♪ ♪

[both shout]

[both] I thought you were still in bed.

No, I woke up in the middle of the night

and didn't want to disturb you so I made a pillow me.

So, what were you up doing?

Oh, I was researching Alaska Alan.

-I figured we could-- -Find out all about him and tailor

-the spooky ship to him? -So he doesn't give us a bad review?

And ruin our entrepreneurial dreams?

My God, I just fell in love with you all over again.

Should we renew our vows?

No time. We've got a lot to do.

Let's revamp the heck out of this sail.

But first, let's make the pillows kiss.

Oh, yeah. Just a little bit.

[both] Mwah.

Okay, team Tobin,

Operation Alaska Alan,

aka Operation A.K.A., is a go.

-Let's review the new material. -Wolf, are you sure you guys

-want to make all these changes? -Yeah.

Adding all this new stuff last minute

could easily turn this sail into a slamming-door farce,

where everything that can go wrong does.

Well, that's not gonna happen today.

Nothing's going wrong, okay?

We're just gonna be calm and focus on Alan.

Starting with our new special desserts. Ham?

I switched from pirate puffs to Jolly Roger jelly donuts,

'cause donuts are Alan's fave.

Judy, I put your new costume in the bunk room.

How's the new monologue coming? Almost memorized?

You keep giving me script changes, so mostly.

-Jerry, you know what you're doing? -Wearing my bigfoot costume

and serving Bellinis?

Yes, because Alan loves brunch and the Philadelphia Flyers.

If he asks, you are "Bleached Gritty."

And Alan lives for a shiny floor.

He raved about the new lobby floor

at the Subaru dealership in Anchorage,

so this deck is waxed.

To sum up, everything's perfect and nothing will go wro-ah-ah...

Wolf, are you okay?

-Uh, yeah. -Oh, no, you're bleeding.

This baby will scab up in no time.

And I guess I'll make a new, last-minute batch of donuts.

[chuckles] How relaxing.

Well, one thing was bound to go wrong today,

and it looks like we just got it out of the way.

You're welcome, milady.

That Definitely-Do Dolphin is so in the bag,

it's practically suffocating.

Someone call the fish police.

[laughs]

-Uh, what? -All right, hands in,

let's say "Ding-dang Def-Do Dolph" on three.

-Uh, D... [shouts] -Oh, my gosh.

Thank you all for coming. Yes, we did blackmail

-most of you, but we're glad you're here. -Yeah, yeah.

You shouldn't have told us about your weekend

at Bonnaroo, Delmer.

And do not worry about my head injury.

I'm bleeding a very normal amount

and I'm only dizzy in a fun way.

So, Alaska Alan will be reviewing our spooky ship today.

-This guy is our target. -Wolf. Put that away.

We can't let Alan see that.

He'd think we're obsessed with him.

No being weird to Alan.

Right you are. Now everybody chant with me:

"No one be weird to Alan."

[all chanting] No one be weird to Alan.

-No one be weird to Alan. -Wolf, stop. Here he comes.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

-Act regular! -[grunts]

Ahoy. Welcome aboard The Mighty Haunted Beef.

Ah, salutations, salutations.

It is I, a perfectly ordinary tourist.

No one special. [chuckles]

Oh, wow, these floors. I can see myself in them.

I feel like I'm at a Subaru dealership.

[Ham] I only had enough ingredients on board

to make one batch, so please tell me they taste good.

Ugh, these taste like the pie I made

with the last of my eggs after a year in the bunker.

Oh, my God, these eggs expired ten years ago.

They must have been on the boat since we got it.

Mmm-- ugh. Oh, yeah, that takes me back.

-Dirt, stop eating those! -[door opens]

Ham. Hammy. Hamarama.

-Aunt Dirt. -[laughs] Hi, Wolf.

Fine, thank you.

Just coming in to grab some aspirin.

I ding-donged my bing-bong

harder than I thought on the deck of the, uh...

uh, what's the thing I'm thinking of?

It's wooden, it floats, it goes...

[imitates ship horn blowing]

-A boat? -Oh, that's it. Yeah. A boat.

And how are the boatnuts coming along?

-Actually, these donuts are-- -The best batch yet.

Great. [gulps]

Well, that'll stop the bleeding.

Off I go.

[chuckles] "Boat." What a fun word.

Marlee Matlin's Maltese mongoose.

Marlee Matlin's Maltese mongoose--

Knock, knock. Hmm.

Why aren't you wearing your new costume chains?

Oh, I tried, but they're way too heavy

-to put on my... [shouts] -And turn

-and turn and turn. -[Judy grunting]

Alan's a stickler for wardrobe authenticity.

He panned his niece's elementary school play

because their Jean Valjean was wearing a Baby Yoda sweatshirt.

You know, Honeybee... [groans]

...I've been meaning to talk to you

about my process as an actor--

Whoops. Time to go warm up the fog machine

or it will come out lumpy.

-30 minutes till you're on. -Thank you, 30.

Uh-oh. Better unlock that.

[straining]

And I'm stuck. [inhales]

Honeybee!

Red alert. Quinn's on board and I do not

want to pee my pants in front of her.

-Can you hide me? -I'll tell you what.

You go buy four dozen jelly donuts at the Donut Dinghy,

and I'll let you hide in the cupboards when you get back.

Oh, bring me the change.

Oh, Ham. You beautiful fool.

[Beef] Ah, nothing like

a relaxing sail.

Just me and that kooky old gal the sea.

[chuckles]

Huh. Now what was this string

on my finger supposed to remind me of?

I wish I could say that doesn't bother me,

but now I fear I shall be driven to madness.

-Oh, how's the head? -[laughs] Lot of pain,

some things look double, but I'm chillin'.

Well, it's ten minutes till departure time,

but everyone's checked in and all systems are go.

-Are you thinking what I'm thinking? -Yep.

Alan gave Delta flight 19273 to New Mexico a rave

when they took off seven minutes early.

Well, then, eat our dust,

Delta flight 19273 to New Mexico.

What? Why is the boat leaving?

Moon isn't back. Oh, no.

[grunting]

-Mmm. -[all] This is bad.

Alan's log, 5:50 p.m.

Begin review. Start. [clears throat]

I never thought I'd again feel the rush

of Delta flight 19273's early departure to New Mexico...

[chuckles] ...and yet, and yet,

it seems life has other plans.

[gasps] This is great. Look how he's smiling.

Adam loves it.

-Alan. -Him, too.

Uh, hello, sir. [chuckles]

I'm acting normal. Goodbye.

Alan's log. Resume review.

So far, the journey is more sail than fail,

and I'm hoping to catch a glimpse of a whale.

[laughs] Oh, now, that's very good.

Uh, note to self: do not delete that one.

-[Jerry] Roar! -[people gasping]

-Oh! -[Honeybee] Sasquatch? Hmm.

More like Sas-quench.

Everyone, open wide for some Bigfoot Bellinis.

Doesn't he look just like Gritty, folks?

Ooh. Very nice.

And now a little something for your ears to sip on.

A haunted history talk. Take it away, Wolf.

Alaska. America's severed head.

Oh, well, that certainly paints a picture.

Inside that head-- owie, owie, owie--

a skull full of terrifying stories.

Ow, hurts so bad.

Wow. My family abandoned me.

Yes!

Hmm. Hello, Bethany.

One extra-large Joltin' Jazzed

Maximum Caffeine Dulce De Leche Latte, please.

Mm, Carissa said I have to check I.D. for those.

[chuckles] This enough I.D. for you?

Coming right up, sir.

Hiya, Beef. Okay if I hide out with you?

I don't have a good poker face.

Ah, yes, I remember from our poker night,

when you announced, "Well, well, well,

"the three of clubs, just the card I was looking for

to complete my four of a kind."

I did need that card.

I got to warn you, though, I'm a bit preoccupied.

I can't remember why I tied this string to my finger.

Oh, I'm your guy, then.

I've been taking these memory classes online

from the BrainCrunch Bros.

All right, then, let's open up my skull

-and get to crunching. -[Wolf] Glaciers,

[slurring] they're like i-ice cubes,

and Ice Cube is good at rapping,

and wrapping is what makes Christmas presents great.

[Jerry] Are you sure Wolf's head is okay?

He sounds like you after you got your wisdom teeth pulled

and he's moving like one of those inflatable guys

at the car wash.

...and off to your right, you'll see,

oh, you'll see, you'll see, oh...

♪ Say can you see? ♪

C, D, E, F, G.

Gee, do you ever wonder

why only one of the gremlins was hot?

No offense to anyone here.

Alan's log. Our host has great energy,

but his haunted history speech is meandering.

Oh, uh, reminder to self to rewatch Gremlins.

Apparently, one of them is quite attractive.

Let's talk Snorks!

Everyone give Wolf a big round of applause.

-[cheers, applause] -Okay, sweetie, you seem really out of it.

Should we turn back? Get that noggin checked out?

What? No! Alaska Alan is on board.

We're gonna get that, uh, uh, d-- uh, thing we wanted.

See? You can't even remember the Definitely-Do Dolphin.

Uh, just because I can't remember it

doesn't mean it's not important.

Oh, we're so close to whatever our dreams are I can Snork it.

Okay, you're right, but let's speed this up.

You go get the donuts, I'll go get Judy.

And then, we'll both get that Def-Do-Dolph.

See? I remembered.

[laughs] I'm fine.

Judy, open up. You're going on early.

-[Judy] I can't! -What do you mean you can't?

This is no time for a diva moment.

On deck in five or you're fired.

-Thank you, five. -[Walt] All right, Beef,

let's take a journey inside your beautiful mind palace.

Uh, these memory exercises

aren't like meditation, though, right?

-Because that always puts me to sleep. -Oh, heck no.

You don't even have to close your eyes.

[BrainCrunch Bro voice] All right, bros, let's drop in.

-Start by counting backwards from ten. -[soothing music playing]

-Ten, nine... -[snoring]

-...eight, seven... -Beef. Wake up, buddy.

-[yawns] We can't... -...six, five...

-[snoring] -...four...

Hey, Ham. Uncle Dust.

We're ready for the, uh... oh, you know,

they're the-the... things that... round...

uh, uh, sweet circle holes?

You know, uh, for mouth?

-The donuts? -That's the them.

Just, uh, give me a few minutes, okay?

Nothing's wrong in here.

Oh, nothing's wrong in here, either.

[laughs] Wink, wink.

Okay, bought some time.

Let me just, uh... "Instant desserts.

Only ingredients: corn and water."

-Dang it, I got to go find some reception. -Yeesh.

Oh, those donuts are biting back.

Time to pay the toilet piper. [grunts]

-[snoring] -[BrainCrunch Bro voice] Whoa.

Your mind palace is sick, bro.

[shouts]

[screams] Oh, no, no, no, no!

[sighs] Okay, well,

at least I'm off the hook on the donuts.

And that's everything that's happened to me since birth.

Bethany? Another round, please.

Alan's log. This sail has hit a doldrums.

I may be aboard, but I'm also bored.

Oh, no. We're losing him. Better cue Judy.

What's that I hear? Chains rattling?

Why, it must be the keeper of souls from fathoms below,

come to tell you her tale of woe.

Oh, thank God.

-Oh, no. -Hey, guys.

Good news, I remembered my favorite Snork. Chunky Smork.

Uh-uh. Okay, everyone, enjoy the complimentary ocean views.

BRB. I mean, B-R-Boo.

Oh. Uh, sorry, but a-are you Maude,

from Maude's All Day Diner?

I remember you.

I think I reviewed your restaurant, yes?

Um, no. I-I'm Tiffany.

Tiffany Hamburguesa.

From Spain. Um, taxi.

Oh, my goodness, why is Maude saying she's not Maude?

Hold on. There's the guy from the Hoagie Pony?

And the owner of the Russian Restaurant.

These are all people I reviewed.

Alan's log. Incoming transmission from me.

There are multiple people aboard this spooky sail

whose businesses I've reviewed badly.

Have I been lured into a trap?

I fear another kidnapping is afoot.

Wolf, what happened with the donuts?

-And where is Ham? -[laughs] And why is Ham?

And why do birds...

♪ Suddenly appear ♪

♪ Every time you are near? ♪

Oh, God, this is bad. We have no food

or entertainment and you need to go to the hospital--

Okay, but listen, listen, li-li-listen.

-I think we should get married. -Okay,

I have to go figure out how to stave the day.

You, uh, sit right here, stay awake

and, uh, rank all the gremlins in terms of hotness.

And then we'll get married.

-Uh-huh. -Okay, I'm gonna start my list

with Chunky Smork, for obvious reasons.

[BrainCrunch Bro voice] Your memory is a muscle.

Let's get swole.

[creaking]

-Whoa... -Whoa!

What the...? Oh, my.

Oh, no. Alan's log.

Possibly final Alan's log. My therapist was wrong.

It can happen again, and everyone is out to get me.

I am being abducted.

-[panting, grunts] -Hey.

-Oh, God, oh, God, pick up. -[Edna] Go for Chief Edna.

[Alan over phone] Kidnapping...

-Mighty Beef... -[static crackling]

-held hostage! -[disconnect tone]

Welp, there goes my peaceful evening

of stalking my ex online.

Alan's log. I'm gonna play nice until the police arrive.

But if I don't make it out, Debra,

please know that even though we divorced seven years ago,

I will always think of you as a terrible person.

[Dirt] You better get out of there

or something very bad is gonna happen.

Ah, good evening, ma'am. Just walking. Very normal.

Here. I found my rough copy of Judy's monologue

for you to do since she refuses to come out

of her dressing room.

Uh, you don't need to be off-book.

Good, because I don't know what that means.

Moon, you're cut off.

Cut off? This is the thanks I get

for all the work I've done in here?

I'll give you three bucks to pump some caramel

right into my mouth.

You're out of here in five seconds

or I'm calling your dad.

[panting]

-[tires screech] -[screams]

[wails]

-[tires screech] -[shouts]

Moon, stop running.

I haven't stretched.

I am the ghost of the ocean.

-Don't look right at Alan. -[whimpers]

Oh, wait, I don't think I was supposed to read that part.

Wow, what a show. I'm very satisfied.

Now if you don't mind, my black belt karate instructor

is expecting me back on shore.

No, he's too furry to be number 43.

Come on, Wolf. [grunts]

Oh, right. That-That's why I'm in here.

I was getting the Jolly Roger jelly donuts

to serve everyone on board.

Hey, Wolf. Wait, where you going with those?

To serve them to the guests.

-No, no, no, no, no. -No, no, these are mine.

[device beeps]

[Wolf over speaker] Let me go.

Oh, no, it's the...

uh, ghosts. Ooh.

[Wolf] This is our one chance to get Alan.

-[whimpers] -And we're gonna show him.

We'll show him what we're capable of.

I knew it. I knew it. You're all trying to kill me.

-I knew it. -What?

All right, Alan, time for you to finally eat it.

-[yells] -[all screaming]

Don't eat those. They're poison!

-Eat it. -[screams]

[grunts] Oh, no. I fell asleep.

[Ham shouts]

[screams]

Yes.

Nevertheless, she... never mind.

[grunts]

I got you.

[screams]

-Help me. -[shouts]

[Honeybee] Alan! Wait!

No, no. No!

-No! No! -[grunts]

-Oh, hey, Alan. -Get away from me.

-[siren wailing] -[grunting]

Get your hands off my brother!

-Who are you? -Moon, no!

For Valhalla!

[screaming]

So, no one here wanted to kill me?

No. We just wanted to get a Definitely-Do Dolphin

really badly.

That's why we made those binders.

We did a ton of research to personalize this sail to you.

I know this may be hard to believe,

but we haven't been doing this spooky ship business

-for that long. -No, that part was-was clear.

But boy, do we love it. We were so sure

we finally figured out what to do with our lives.

But now, we're for sure getting that No-Way Narwhal.

-My haters are gonna love this. -[chuckles]

How old are you guys?

Uh, 23 and 22.

Okay, well, when I was 22,

my business card said, "Enron intern,"

and guess what happened?

It was shuttered in a scandal?

No, no, I got fired for selling candy bars in the bathroom.

You see what I mean?

It may be my head injury speaking,

but I don't think I do.

I think what Alan is trying to say is: life is long.

And it's great that you love running a spooky ship now,

but if this job doesn't work out,

a new ship will be pulling into the harbor soon enough.

So maybe don't put so much pressure on yourself.

I guess we do have new, amazing ideas all the time.

And even a million business cards probably aren't worth

people dying from head injuries and poison donuts.

[gasps] My God. I remember what the string was for.

It was to remind me to say: "Good luck with the sail today.

-I hope it goes great." -Huh?

[screams]

-[grunts] -[shouting]

All right, let's rescue your siblings

and get everyone to the hospital.

-[gasps] Alan's review is up. -What'd he say?

He said, "For the first time in my life on a haunted tour,

I felt genuine terror. And..."

whoa, he invented a new category for us.

The "Porpoise of Perhaps:

"for attractions you don't have to check out,

but perhaps you should."

And we're its first recipients.

So, what do you think, babe, want to keep doing the sail?

Perhaps we will, perhaps we won't,

-but either way, we're gonna be fine. -[Dirt belches]

-Dirt, please stop eating those. -Make me, bitch.

♪ You're made of foam, I'm made of feather ♪

♪ But it feels like home when we're together ♪

♪ If I had a heart, it would skip a beat ♪

♪ It's a work of art when our lips meet ♪

♪ I may not be a man in a way that's anatomic ♪

♪ But support you I can in a way that's ergonomic ♪

♪ I might just be a cushion, but baby, hear me out ♪

♪ The agenda that I'm pushing is for us to touch mouths ♪

♪ No more pillow talk, let's just pillow kiss ♪

♪ Who knew that love could feel like this? ♪

-♪ I can't get my fill, oh ♪ -♪ It's always a thrill, oh ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm in love with a pillow. ♪

Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT

and TOYOTA.