Original subtitles

Ugh!

♪ Bum, ba-da ba-da ♪

♪ Ba-da ba-dum ♪

♪ Bum, ba-da ba-da ♪

♪ Ba-da ba-dum ♪

♪ Ba-da ba-da ♪

♪ Ba-da ba-dum ♪

♪ Ba-da ba-da ♪

♪ Ba-da ba-dum ♪

♪ Bum ba-da ba-da ♪

♪ Ba-da ba-dum bum ♪

♪ Ba-da ba-da ♪

♪ Ba-da ba-dum ♪

♪ Bum ba-da ba-da ♪

♪ Ba-da ba-dum ♪

♪ Bum ba-da ba-da ♪

♪ Ba-da ba-dum ♪

♪ I like to follow you ♪

♪ Bum ba-da ba-da ♪

♪ Ba-da ba-dum bum ♪

♪ Someplace we could go ♪

♪ No one else will be around ♪

♪ To tell us what to do ♪

♪ Ba-da ba-da ♪

♪ Ba-da ♪

♪ Oh oh ♪

♪ Bum bum ♪

♪ Ba-da bum ba-da bum ♪

♪ Oh oh oh ♪

♪ Bum ba-da bum ♪

♪ Ba-da bum ba-da bum ♪

♪ Oh oh oh ♪

♪ Ba-da bum ♪

♪ Bum bum ♪

♪ Ba-da ♪

♪ Ba-dum. ♪

Hello?

Hi.

Hi.

Shit, my wallet.

Sorry.

How much can I get for this?

Uh...

I don't think this is enough.

Well, um...

Well-- Eight-- um...

Nine--I mean, can I just--

This is- I mean, that's gotta be--

I'll just leave that one and, um--

Is that okay?

Yeah, it's all right.

Thank you.

I'm taking you to a hospital.

No.

No, I don't need to go to a hospital.

Yes, you do.

- You're drunk. - No, I'm not.

I really feel our destinies

are shaped by our responses to what happens in our lives.

"Some years ago,

never mind how long ago precisely,

having little or no money in my purse

and nothing particular to interest me on shore,

I thought I would sail about a little

and see the watery parts of the world.

It is a way I have of driving off the spleen

and regulating circulation.

Whenever I find myself going grim about the mouth,

when it is a damp, drizzling November in my soul,

whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses

and bringing up the rear of every funeral procession I meet,

and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me,

it requires a strong moral principle to prevent myself

from deliberately stepping into the street

and methodically knocking people's hats off--"

Do you have anyplace I could take you, or...

Where do you live?

No. No, I need to take you somewhere.

Listen.

I'm a rent boy.

Oh, what's that?

Silly, it's a male prostitute.

Yeah.

What, am I--

Am I not attractive enough to be a-a male prostitute?

I don't know.

I'm lying, I'm not really a rent boy.

I came to America to meet a girl.

Great! Where's the girl?

I met her in a park last year in London.

She was really pretty.

She had this kind of cheerleader hair.

Anyway, I came to America

because she said that we should go on this backpacking holiday.

- So I came here-- - Where is the girl now?

Oh, this is the bad part.

I came here to meet her.

I stood where she told me to wait for her for six hours, like a spoon.

And then she showed up with her boyfriend. Her ex-boyfriend.

They had gotten back together.

He was in the car, watching me.

It was really awkward.

She wasn't as pretty as I'd remembered.

I need to take you somewhere.

You're much prettier than she is. Was.

He said I was pretty. He said he liked tall girls.

He said he "liked tall girls," and she was little.

She's a little girl. She was little-- do you have a cell phone?

No.

Do you think you could pay for this?

Oh, okay.

Do you have a phone that I could use?

There's a pay phone across the street.

Thank you.

It's your fucking wife, you fuckhead!

You were my husband! You are my husband!

I am not telling you where I am. I am nowhere!

I'm nowhere! I'm never gonna find--

You're never gonna find me!

No! No!

I-- you--

I can't believe that you fucked her.

I can't-- I literally cannot believe that you fucked her.

|I am-- I--

I'm married to you. We're married.

We were married in God, and the law,

and everything, and I--

Shut up!

I don't know. I'm never gonna--

I don't know!

Damn it! I don't-- I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't.

You're not-- I'm not talking to you anymore. I'm not.

It's uh-uh-uh--

Enjoy it now, fucking asshole!

Emma!

I will...

fuck you up.

Are you in there?

I know where you fucking work!

You hiding from me?

I will come the fuck back for you.

That's right, neighbors!

Get fucking used to my face, because I am coming back!

Let her know that I will be back!

And--

Do you like beer?

Um...

Doesn't matter.

Excuse me.

Uh, do you-- could you tell me where Emma Hicks is?

Emma Hicks doesn't work here anymore.

No, she does work here, because she was at that brew--

The beer festival last week.

Last week. She, uh-- very recently, she had to leave our company.

- Why? - Does anyone know where she is?

She's not here, and, uh, and, uh... She'll never work here again.

And, uh, I actually have to start a tour--

Beer tour of the brewery. If you--

If you guys want to come on it, you're welcome to.

- Yeah. - Are you 21?

- Well, I'm her cousin from England. - He's 21.

All right, guys, as you can see, we're going by the bottling line right now.

It does about 600 cases per hour.

All right, so now we're in what we call the cellar to the brewery.

Obviously, we didn't walk down any stairs to get here.

Uh, it's called the cellars because before modern refrigeration...

Ah!

Drink it. Drink it.

What were you going to do to her if she was here?

Do you have hangman in England?

We invented hanging...

"A.“

"D.“

No.

"O...?

"K."

“T .“

"H."

"I."

"L"

- "Kill the bitch." - Kill the bitch.

Whose house is this?

It's my parents' summer house.

Can you go get my coat for me?

It's upstairs.

Thanks. I'll be back.

]

Libya.

]

Emma.

Emma, are you in there?

I can wait.

I can wait!

Where have you been?

Don't read my journal.

Did you find the girl?

Did you kill her?

My dad worked in the furniture shop.

And then,

he had an affair

with a woman he worked with.

And my mum killed herself.

And I haven't seen him since I was 14.

But he sends me money every month,

which I accept.

Okay, so the next one.

My parents ran a chocolate shop in England.

And each year, they would bring out these new chocolates

and dedicate them to me.

And then they would sell them in their shop.

And they brought one out on my 18th birthday,

which was a truffle filled with rum and with chili.

One of those stories is true?

Yes.

One... no, two.

Oh, you only get one guess. You lose your turn.

Okay, next story.

In school,

I was a star gymnast.

And my event was the floor.

And one day, in a competition, I was tumbling.

But I landed on my back

and had a horrific spinal injury.

And I couldn't compete.

Or, when I was at school,

at 16,

I was the only boy in school

who hadn't reached puberty.

Two.

I don't think I want to play this game anymore.

It's your game. You made it up.

Well, it's over now. It's finished.

I can end the game.

It's too cold to sleep anywhere else.

Just take the other side. Don't touch my side.

Good night.

Wake up.

♪ Sleep ♪

♪ In heavenly peace ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly... ♪

Oh.

Excuse me?

Do you have another one of these flyers?

No, sorry, we don't.

♪ Shepherds quake ♪

I need this number.

♪ At the sight... ♪

It's me again. You know, who the fuck did you expect?

Were you expecting another fucking call from your fucking girlfriend?

You fucking douche bag!

No, I need to know precisely what you did,

and I will not get off the fucking phone.

I will keep calling you, motherfucker.

I will call you. I will hunt you down.

I will fucking tie you up

and put a fucking cattle prod on your fucking penis

until you tell me what the fuck you did to her!

Exactly.

Like a fucking bedtime story.

No, no.

"Once upon a time, I fucked another woman.”

Go!

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Uh-huh.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay, thank you.

Bye.

Hey.

What?

Come up here.

A little more in that one.

Push it down so it fills that one out.

They feel lumpy.

They look great.

Can you get, uh, the top two buttons?

- Can I sit there? - Yes.

Whoa.

Snake.

Cold?

I'm chilly.

- Oh, thank you. - Just kidding.

You want to go somewhere?

Here you go, doll.

Make room.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

- You like it? - It's strong.

Do you like it?

Yeah.

That's my girl.

That's my girl.

Can I kiss you?

I—-

okay.

- Yeah? - Sure.

'Cause you like it?

What?

I can kiss you 'cause you like it?

Stop it.

Fucking cunt.

Hi, you've reached Emma Hicks. I'm not available right now.

Leave your name and contact information and I'll call you back.

Have a great day.

Aw, hey, baby.

Hey, it's me.

Sorry I missed you. Yeah, um...

Gosh, I really wanted to talk to you, but, uh...

Well, you know, uh...

Things have been a bit crazy around here.

You know, my fucking wife is, uh...

She's, uh, crying all the time.

But I don't want you to think it's your fault, baby.

It's not your fault. My wife was crazy--

Crazy before this ever happened.

She was-- tsk,

she was always flying off the handle

and, you know, and the stuff--

She got so fat, you know,

and it was disgusting. It was disgusting.

There was no need to-- there's no need to do that.

You know, and she's so moody, and--

And I just want you to know that she was like this.

And any of my grief is my own grief,

and you didn't cause it.

You're beautiful and perfect.

You teach yoga. You're hot. You're little.

I miss you. I just-- the only thing that makes me good--

Feel good in this whole world is to just...

fuck you and see your gratitude, you know?

Because, uh,

Rose is a real handful.

And, uh, you're a gem.

And I love you.

And I never did love Rose. I just want you to know that.

My wife was-- was a mistake.

All right, baby, sleep tight.

I love you.

By the time you get this message...

I hope my wife is dead.

2 Don we now our gay apparel

♪ Troll the ancient yuletide Carol ♪

♪ We packed all we could pack ♪

♪ In the van, and that's a fact ♪

♪ Till there wasn't any room left inside ♪

♪ And we packed all we could pack ♪

D On the tailboard at the back .)

♪ 'Til there wasn't any room for me to ride ♪

And again!

♪ My old man said, “Follow the van ♪

♪ Don't dilly dally on the way” ♪

♪ Off went the van with the home packed in it ♪

♪ I walked behind with me old cock linnet ♪

♪ But I dillied and dallied ♪

♪ And dallied and dillied ♪

♪ Lost me way and don't know where to roam ♪

♪ I stopped on the way ♪

♪ To have me old half-quarten ♪

♪ Now I can't find my way home, ♪

Excuse me?

- Hello

I'm here about this yoga class.

Oh, we didn't have enough people sign up,

and so we cancelled it for today.

- Oh. - But there's another one tonight, so if you...

It needs to be this girl.

Oh, yeah, yeah. She's not-- she's not in.

But she teaches, um, I think Thursdays sometimes.

I can give you a schedule, if you want.

- Rose!

- Why are you taking-- - Oh, my God, what are you doing here?

Nothing. No,

I need to know, um, is Emma here? Or...

Oh, she was supposed to do a class, but we didn't have enough people,

but you should call her. She'd really like to see you, I'm sure.

Are you here with Jack?

- No. There's no yoga? - There's one later.

- She's not here. - And I can comp you guys, if you want.

I'm gonna go wait outside. Bye.

Are you guys here...

I'm her boyfriend-- from England.

Oh. Um, well, how long are you guys in town?

Indefinitely.

Well, if she wants to see Emma,

she-- you guys should come with us.

We're going to this dance on Sunday. It's really crazy.

We dress up in these 18th-century dresses

and dance with old people, and it's really fun.

And then we go out and get drunk afterwards.

- When is it? - It's Sunday.

Where? Where-where is it?

It's at the Grange Hall. It's right on the main drag.

And Emma’s gonna be there.

Yeah, yeah.

It'll be really fun. You guys should come.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

Bye. Good-bye.

Seventeen...

Eighteen.

Nineteen.

Twenty.

I have a plan.

The plan is, it's just you and me.

That's the plan?

That's the plan.

I want to show you something.

There's a dance here on Sunday.

Hi, I think we'd like to do a half day of fishing.

Okay, that'll be $40.

Do you need a rod?

- Yes, we need everything. - It'll be $45.

Okay, can you promise that we're gonna catch a fish?

I can promise you you can go fishing.

I can't guarantee how well you're gonna catch fish. That's up to you.

The man says that he can guarantee that we're gonna go fishing,

but he can't guarantee that we're gonna catch a fish.

Do you still want to do it?

- Okay. - All right.

For the two of you, $90.

Okay. Can you pay?

- Hello. - Hello.

All right.

Push the little lever forward, thumb on the spool.

Take the pressure off your thumb

and let it go.

And lift up so you feel the weight of the sinker,

and drop it back down.

- Okay. - Okay?

Now, keep your fingers out in front

so you can feel the eel moving, and you feel the bottom.

- Yeah. - It's usually a very steady rhythm.

Get a bite. Flip your lever down.

Give it a lift. Put your hand right here.

- Okay. - And when the striper bites,

he grabs the eel, pulls it down in his mouth,

spins it around, and then swallows it.

And then you just give a nice easy lift.

Usually, once they swallow the eel,

they"ll turn on that end, and they actually hook themselves.

- Oh, yeah, okay. - Okay?

Whoa, something's happening.

Something-- something's happening.

Come on, come on! You got it.

I don't know what to do. What do I do?

- Start winding, start winding. - Wind what?

Slide your hand back. Start turning the handle.

Turn the handle. Turn the handle.

Keep it up, nice, steady pressure.

Keep working him. Keep working him.

- I can-- - Wind!

- I'm winding. - Keep winding.

Hold your pole over that way a little bit. There you go.

- Where is it? - Keep on--it's coming.

You think this is gonna be easy?

Oh, my God!

Stay as close to his fin as you can.

I'm hitting bone.

Yeah, that's-- you're right-- that's where you want to be.

- You want to be on the bone. - Okay.

Okay? Because that way you won't have any meat left on the skeleton.

Okay.

- Now turn it down. Now saw. - Right here?

Yeah, saw that way.

- Saw it this way? - Yeah.

- Now come all the way through the skin. - Right here?

- Yeah, just like that. - Okay.

Keep it down low. Point down low.

- There you go! - Look, I did this.

See now, look, this is what you have left.

- That's all the belly meat. You don't want that. - I don't want that.

- This is all you want right there, okay? - Okay. Okay.

I don't really understand Thanksgiving, like what--

I thought you annihilated the Indians,

not sat down and had a big dinner with them.

No, we did.

Both.

What?

So you celebrate killing them. That's-that's the celebration.

No, no, no, no.

The Indians did end up all dead.

But what we celebrate

is the meal that happened before we killed them.

Because when we got here, they had things that we wanted,

and we had things that they wanted,

like guns and drinks.

And it was a mutually beneficial relationship.

And then, at some point, our needs conflicted.

And when needs conflict,

most of the time one person gets what they want,

and the other person doesn't.

So we gave them smallpox on purpose,

and then we continued to sort of systematically kill them.

But what we celebrate is the meal that we had

before any of that happened, when everything was good.

Hitler--

Hitler was popular before the killing.

You know, people don't celebrate that.

But he didn't have dinner with the Jews.

You see my point?

No.

You don't smile, do you?

Um...

I hate my teeth.

Can I see your teeth?

Um...

Show me your teeth, please.

They're perfect.

I'd marry you if you wanted me to.

Do you want to get married?

- I think so. - Okay.

We should have children.

Okay.

Ten children?

- Ten seems good. - Okay.

What are you thinking?

I was thinking...

I'll carry them. I'll--

In my body,

but they should all look like you.

I don't want them to look like me.

I would like ten of you.

They can all have your eyebrows...

and your nose...

and ten of your mouth...

and your eyes...

and your hair...

and your fingernails.

And your teeth.

They'll-- they'll look like you.

- Are you falling asleep? - No.

So, um, I want a wedding dress.

Okay. Did you like the scoop neck or a high neck?

I can show you both.

- Can I look at both? - Sure, sure.

Okay, let's see.

Some of these may look a little large,

but we can fix that, okay? This is very pretty on.

- That one... - Okay.

What about this one? That's a good one.

It's a two-piece dress with a skirt,

a long skirt, and a little top. Do you want to try it on?

Okay.

Here we go. Now turn again.

And lift your hair for me.

All these strings.

Sleeve.

What I'm gonna do is set the camera up.

We're gonna do a quick focus on you

and take the pictures.

Won't take but a second.

Okay, here we go.

Look right in the camera for me.

Great.

Camera up. Okay. Here we go.

Bring your chin up just a little bit.

Down just a hair. Okay.

Bring your chin up a little bit, sir.

Turn your head that way, just a hair.

Perfect. Look right here at my finger.

Wonderful. All done.

- Okay. - Thank you.

- Thank you. - Thanks.

Do you mind waiting here for the photos?

I just need to step out for a minute.

Okay.

Come see!

Oh, wow.

- Well, we got married. - We did.

Mm.

You look so beautiful.

Thank you.

This is my plot.

Are you serious?

Yes.

This is my plot.

This is where I will be buried.

Why are you showing me this?

Because you can be buried here with me.

My parents got it for me.

It's for me and my husband.

Yeah.

You won't hurt me, will you?

- Hello

Hi, I'm looking for an old-fashioned dress.

Um, 18th century.

18th century, that would be colonial.

Are you looking for British or American?

I'll know when I see it.

Okay, the costume room is right behind you, to your left.

You'll find them on the rack.

- Oh, thank you. - Mm-hmm.

- Hello, how are you? - Hello.

Would you please sign in?

I'll take your coats here.

Thank you.

You'll want to go right in. Practice is starting.

Okay, in English country dancing,

we normally dance in little groups of four.

So hands four from the top to identify your initial set.

Okay, now the first thing-- put your hands down.

Now, the first thing you're going to do,

pull a very simple English country dance step,

a two-handed turn with your partner.

Put your two hands in the middle.

Turn all the way around.

Okay, let's try a star right.

Put your right hand in.

All the way around. It's a count of eight.

Four, five, six.

Six turn on that clover leaf away.

Good show. Okay.

And when you get home, put your left hand in for a star left,

and go the opposite direction.

Star right followed by a star left.

And, voila, you have gone exactly nowhere.

Okay, you've worked very hard learning the steps,

so why don't we all take a break now?

This is fun.

Hey.

Hello, I'm so happy you made it.

- Hi. - Hi, how are you doing?

He's my husband. We got married.

That's great. That's great.

Do you want a drink?

Yes!

- Hi. - I'm so sorry.

Ah!

Ah-- quit it!

Excuse me.

I can't breathe.

Please get off of me.

Get off of me.

Get off of me.

Get off of me.

Get off...

You're sick.

♪ Swing low, sweet chariot ♪

♪ Coming for to carry me home ♪

♪ swing low, sweet chariot ♪

♪ Coming for to carry me home ♪

♪ I looked over Jordan ♪

♪ What did I see ♪

♪ Coming for to carry me home ♪

♪ I saw a band of... ♪

Do you want me to take you somewhere?

I can take you anywhere, an airport or...

I want to see him.

Can I help you?

Oh, um,

this is, um, uh, I...

No, no! Rick, don't, don't, don't.

Don't, don't, don't. He's my friend.

You know him?

Yes, I brought him here.

I'm okay. Sorry.

I don't know who the fuck this is.

You're back.

Yes.

Okay. I'm going inside.

Sorry.

- Are you okay? - Yeah, I am.

That was brave.

I have to go.

For just one second, though. Are you okay out here?

Okay, I'll be right back.

♪ If you want ♪

♪ I will love you ♪

♪ I'll open my cupboard ♪

♪ And show you my jumpers ♪

♪ And posters ♪

♪ And you'll say ♪

♪ "Don't be afraid” ♪

♪ I'll fall overboard. ♪

♪ I'm made of ivory ♪

♪ I'm a cannonball ♪

♪ What have you done? ♪

♪ You're not a weapon ♪

D Are you?

♪ At last ♪

♪ Forever ♪

♪ I have planets ♪

♪ I made marks ♪

♪ I do not panic ♪

♪ Don't be afraid ♪

♪ I've been here before ♪

♪ I'm made of ivory ♪

♪ I eat cannonballs ♪

♪ I'll tie you up ♪

♪ I'll sail on by ♪

♪ I will ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh. ♪