Original subtitles

Thank you so much.

Thank you all for coming out to hear about tariffs.

My favorite word tariff, which of course is short for a tariff.

The idea

and the backbone of my incredible plan for our economy.

It's actually even

better than a plan because it's a series of random numbers,

like the numbers on the computer screen in severance.

You have no idea what the hell they mean,

but I know what the numbers mean, okay?

They mean we're going to make America wealthy again.

MAWA

MAWA

You know,

you're going to check your stock portfolio in a couple days

and think I'm almost too wealthy.

We're doing MAWA

But before that, we're going to do Magda.

Magda make America Great Depression again.

You know what it'll be.

It'll be better than great.

It'll be a fantastic, unbelievable depression

the likes of which you have never seen before.

We like to say the likes of which we've never seen before.

You know, this depression is going to be so great.

We'll be the ones eating the cats.

The dogs. It's going to be fun

Low and Slow

You got to breathe, you know?

Yes, the stock market has crashed temporarily, but

that is all part of the plan.

It's simple economics, okay?

If the stock market goes down and down and down

and down and down,

that means there's nowhere to go but up or perhaps further down

are we got to do these tariffs, folks.

We have no idea why, but we have to do it.

And now it's time for the really big piece of cardboard.

Howard, you want to bring that up, please?

This is our bi commerce secretary.

I would let everybody look at him.

Let me get that giant cardboard I love this.

Here we go.

That's the Cheesecake Factory menu.

How this for the luncheon after.

Okay, I'm getting bang, bang tacos. Give me this.

Thank you. Thanks. How are you doing?

An amazing job figuring out the scary tariffs.

You want to stay up here and be the face of tariffs with me?

Come on. No. I'm the.

He's modest.

That's why he's a modest guy. Here it is.

Look at it. It's beautiful.

We spent so much time and,

frankly, millions of dollars on this piece of cardboard.

And we listed the countries in an order that's neither

alphabetical nor numerical for maximum confusion.

And the tariffs will be reciprocal.

We love the word reciprocal unless it's in the bedroom.

Right, fellas?

You want me to do what? Yeah.

The guys know what I'm talking about.

You know, some people

say my plan is nonsense, but we're using a formula, okay?

They call it a formula.

It's very complicated.

But let me explain how it works.

Give me the.

All right, so that's a triangle.

I don't know what that is, but up here that's XI from China

and that's me stabbing him with the sword.

So then down here, that's some sideways moves.

And anyway, you've got it.

Your money's gone.

And that's okay. We're going to figure it out.

You know, no country is safe from my tariffs.

I even put tariffs on an island that is uninhabited by humans.

It's called herd and McDonald Island.

Oh McDonald Island.

I'd love to visit there. Right. McDonald.

Can you imagine that?

A Big Mac and a hula skirt. Hula?

You know, I had to mock up some artwork of McDonald Island.

Now, would you mind bringing that up, please?

There we go.

I want to go through there.

Kenan

Get me to God's country right.

Remember that

the is everything is going to.

Be fine and or bad.

Everyone's worried about prices going up, especially the price

of groceries.

I'm ashamed of the food from the grocery store

is such an old fashioned term,

but we need to send a message

to countries who have been ripping us off,

like South Africa.

South Africa puts a 60% tariff on everything

we send them, and they've never even sent us one good thing.

Oh well, what about.

Things.

Kidding, kKidding

Kidding Kidding

legalize comedy

Oh, that that was, from

when I tried to buy the election in Wisconsin.

I'm an idiot.

I should have just bought Wisconsin.

Glitch.

Tell me who will win.

We'll go

in the back.

Elons great, but sadly, it's time to never see you again.

Okay, you got to get back to Tesla, right?

Because they're doing pretty bad.

Yes. Recently, our dealerships have been

the target of some many attacks, and suddenly

no one likes Tesla cars.

So I asked myself why?

And then I answered myself.

Because I know.

Which is why we're introducing the new Tesla

model V, the first electric car in history

to be fully self vandalizing

with features like self smashing headlights,

self slashing tires,

and AI powered graffiti.

Yeah, you can choose from penises or swastikas.

You know all my favorite swastikas made out of penises?

Oh. Wow.

Swastikas and penises.

We're truly the party of Lincoln.

Before I go, I just want to mention that I'm really smart,

and these tariffs sound really dumb.

Okay, thanks a lot. Good luck on Mars and letter.

AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT'S

SATURDAY NIGHT!

>> IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"

WITH --

MUSICAL GUESTS ELTON JOHN AND BRANDI CARLILE

AND YOUR HOST, JACK BLACK!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JACK

BLACK!

**

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>>> OH, MY GOODNESS,

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH THIS

MEANS TO ME.

I AM BACK!

I'M HOSTING "SATURDAY NIGHT

LIVE"

FOR THE FOURTH TIME.

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW,

IT'S BEEN 20 YEARS SINCE I'VE

BEEN ON THIS STAGE.

AND HONESTLY IT WAS AN ABSOLUTE

LIFE HIGHLIGHT.

AND THAT'S WHY IT'S SO HARD

TO SAY WHAT I'M ABOUT TO SAY.

BUT I QUIT.

I KNOW, IT'S THE FIRST TIME EVER

A HOST HAS QUIT IN THE MIDDLE OF

THE MONOLOGUE.

IT'S KIND OF COOL, FIRST TIME

IT'S EVER HAPPENED.

BUT I CAN'T DO IT.

IT'S TOO STRESSFUL AND

FRANKLY, I DON'T HAVE THE NERVE.

**

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WAIT A SECOND, MATTY NO.

HOW DARE YOU PLAY THAT RIFF, NOW

I GET A MIC.

YOU GUYS, YOU KNOW WHAT THIS

SONG DOES TO ME.

IT GIVES ME THE POWER TO HOST

AGAIN.

YEAH.

HERE WE GO.

* I'M BACK

I'M BACK

AT SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

AGAIN *

* JACK BLACK I'M HOSTING

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

AGAIN *

* 20 YEARS AGO

I HOSTED THIS

FREAKIN' SHOW *

* AND THEN I DID

SOME INDYIE FIMZ

THAT YOU MAYBE KNOW *

* JUMANJI AND DON'T FORGET

SUPER MARI-EE *IE FIMZ

THAT YOU MAYBE KNOW *

* JUMANJI AND DON'T FORGET

SUPER MARI-EE *

* AND DON'T FORGET

KUNG FU PAND-I

I PLAYED PO *

* AND DON'T YOU DARE

FERLGT

FORGET

NACHO-OO-OO-OO *

* I'M BACK

I'M BACK ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

AGAIN *

* MINECRAFT

THAT'S ANOTHER MOVIE I'M IN *

* BET THIS GUY

DID NOT KNOW

HE'D BE ON TV *

TAKE A LOOK

* AND IF YOU WANT TO ROCK AND

ROLL YOU BIT OF FOLLOW ME *

>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE

MARCHING BAND!

ALL RIGHT.

* LAST TIME I WAS HERE WAS

20 YEARS BACK

BUT NOW I KNOW EVERYBODY

KNOWS YOU'RE IN THE CAST *

* IT'S KENAN

AND HELEN AND MARKEESIO *

* I'LL ADMIT

IT'S BEEN A WHILE

SINCE I'VE WATCHED

THE SHOW *

* BUT YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU GUYS *

BIG FINISH.

* SNL'S 50 *

* AND I'M 55

THE OLDER WE GET

MORE WE FEEL ALIVE *

* I'M BACK *

WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW.

ELTON JOHN AND BRANDI CARLILE

ARE HERE.

STICK AROUND, WE'LL BE RIGHT

BACK.

Hello everybody I'm

Todd Brush and welcome to Love Match, the game

where one lonely gal has her pick of three eligible guys.

Jenny from Syracuse.

Are you excited to put some mingle in that single?

You know it.

I'm Jenny from Syracuse

and I'm going to put some mingle in that single.

Yeah, just set all that up.

Let's meet the bachelors.

Now, remember, Janie, even though I can see the guys,

you won't until you've made your choice.

First up, we got Alan from Tempe.

Hi. My name is Alan,

but I hope to be fallin in love.

We also got Dan from Ridgefield

and said.

Hey, Dan and Dan, girl, let's do this.

All right.

And finally, Gene from Seattle is.

Hi. I'm Gene.

I can't think of a pun for my name.

I'm just Gene.

Thank you.

Gene.

Well, okay, I'll start with Dan.

Dan, what do you look for in a woman?

Well, the right answer is personality,

but the real answer is. Butt

Okay.

What about you, Gene?

You know, I spent a lot of my life

trying to figure out women.

And then one day I said, maybe it's time to figure out Gene.

So I'm looking for a woman to go on that journey with me.

Wow. I mean, that's honestly so refreshing.

Really? Yeah. Gene.

Yeah. Really?

I feel like I have to tell you, he's just like Indiana Jones.

What?

I'm not supposed to say what they look like,

but, yeah, he's not head to toe Indiana Jones.

What? What do you mean? Yeah.

What is Indiana Jones?

What is Indiana Jones?

Yeah.

I don't know what Indiana Jones is.

Well, no, Gene, I think you do.

I think you do.

Because you're dressed like that.

You're dressed like Indiana Jones.

I'm dressed like Gene.

I don't know what Indiana Jones is. Is it a brand?

Is it like Tommy Hilfiger?

What? No.

Then I don't.

Know what Indiana Jones is.

No. You do know what it is.

You do because you have a whip.

He does.

He does have a whip. I haven't had a question yet.

What can we do about that?

This isn't like your people gave. This to me.

I thought you pushed it on the end.

The bus hit or something?

No you didn't.

You didn't think it was the bus. And it's a whip.

Okay? It's okay.

I don't care how he's dressed.

He sounds nice. I am nice.

Well, he's not nice.

He's not because he's lying about not knowing

he's dressed like Indiana Jones.

He's in a khaki shirt with one sleeve ripped off,

and he's wearing an adventure hat.

You're hurting my feelings.

And your producer just said wear what you wear on a date. I'm

sorry if it looks like Indiana Jones, whoever he may be.

Hey, was Indiana Jones from Indiana?

No, that was his nickname.

Excuse me,

excuse me.

How do you say a correct fact about Indiana Jones?

It's a game. Show, I was guessing.

Okay. Can we just get back to the game?

Gene, what's your biggest fear?

Got to say snakes.

You're starting to piss me off, buddy.

Yeah, say that to my wet.

Okay, boys.

No. Come on. Look, just go look at him.

You'll see. And. No, no, that's not fair.

And I must say that

if you keep telling her what he looks like,

you have to say what we look like as well.

Okay.

You look like a 12 year old, and you look like Jane Lynch.

Thank you very much.

This is the worst episode of this show we've ever done.

Tell that to my wet.

Just shut it.

Shut his door. No.

Oh, I'm sorry about that, Jamie.

Let's just start over.

We're going to get all new guys starting right now.

Let's meet our new bachelor number one.

This is.

Hi, I'm Stephen,

and I'm looking for love.

Where are they coming from?

Well, we'll be right back.

>>> ANOTHER ORDINARY PARTY.

>> HEY!

ORDINARY?

THAT'S FOR THE OTHER GUY.

>> DON'T YOU TRY COMING AT US

WITH MILD.

>> MILD?

I AIN'T NO CHILD, I NEED IT

WILD.

AND WHEN IT'S TIME TO DEPLOY

SOME MAJOR SNACKAGE, ONLY

FLAMIN' HOT WILL DO.

WOW!

>> BUT LET'S SHOOT STRAIGHT,

KING, ALL THAT IN YOUR FACE

FLAVOR CAN MESS UP YOUR BUTT.

INFLAMMATION, SWELLING, PAINFUL

IRRITATION.

YOU NEED FAST RELIEF, YOU NEED

THE COOLING TOUCH OF PREPARATION

H.

>> NOT THIS DAWG, DAWG, I NEED

TO KICK IT TO THE EXTREME.

>> WHAT?

>> NEW FLAMIN' HOT PREPARATION

H.

>> WHERE DID YOU GET THAT, WHAT

IS THAT?

>> 20,000 SCOVILLE UNITS,

PLAYER!

DENSELY PACKED INTO AN EASY TO

APPLY DARK RED CREAM.

>> GOOD LORD, WHY ON EARTH WOULD

YOU PUT

THAT ON YOUR ANUS?

>> YOU NEED TO FIGHT FIRE WITH

FIRE, G.

>> NO YOU DON'T.

STUART,

THAT'S HORRIBLE IDEA.

NO, DAWG, IT'S SCIENCE.

>> MOST CREAMS SHRINK THE

IRRITATION WITH A COOLING

EFFECT.

>>

BUT YOU NEED TO EXHAUST THE

FUEL, CHIEF!

ONLY FLAMIN' HOT PACKS THE

INFLAMMATORY PUNCH TO ACHIEVE --

>> TOTAL

ERUPTION.

>> STUART, COME ON, YOU'RE

SCARING ME MAN.

>> HELP ME SPREAD IT AROUND.

>> I'M NOT TOUCHING THAT.

>> I'LL JUST BE ONE MORE MINUTE

PLEASE.

>> HANG IN THERE STUART, I'M

GOING TO CALL 911.

>> THIS WAS A MISTAKE!

>> FLAMIN' HOT PREPARATION H,

NOW IN CHILI LIME HABANERO AND

CAROLINA REAPER PEPPER.

I am so glad we did this.

I haven't seen in ages. Yeah.

All right. Eddie and Walter still coming?

Yeah. They should be here soon. Wait.

Can I just say

I love those guys, but I feel like they're

always trying to one off us.

Well, it's been a long time since college.

We've all grown.

Oh. Here comes Eddie now.

Eddie.

Hey, guys. I'm sorry I'm late.

Oh, my gosh, Angie, I haven't seen you in so long.

Where are you been, Eddie?

You know,

I'll only be two places, either at work or on this phone.

Same. I literally must be.

I like my screen.

Time is like 18 hours a day, dude.

Same. Mine is like 20.

It's so sad.

Wait, let me see. What minus.

Oh, weird.

It says, only two.

Only two. Hours.

Yeah, I guess it's just because I gave up on social media.

Oh, wow.

That's impressive.

Is. I'm so jealous.

Well, look, being off grid is not great.

I'm so boring.

All I do is, like, read physical books.

Okay, well, that's that's great, man.

Hey, hey, look what I. Hi.

I'm so, so sorry I'm late.

No worries. How have you been? Oh. I'm fine.

I had a long day.

I was at a protest.

Hello, Walter.

Good to see you. Sounds like a crazy day.

Can we get you a drink?

Yeah. I'll just have a club soda.

I'm not drinking.

Oh. That's awesome.

Honestly, you guys all look so well.

Hey, by the way, Eddie. Where did you get your sweater?

Oh, I thrifted it.

From goodwill.

Where?

I volunteer.

Wow. That's amazing.

Have you. Ready?

Yeah. Where's yours from?

Zara. Or the evil temu

Neither.

Actually, I made it.

Anyway, Sophie, how was your weekend?

It was great.

I saw foreign film with no subtitles.

Oh, sorry, guys, it's.

It's work.

I normally wouldn't take it,

but you're always on call when you're a teacher. Wow.

For special needs kids

who speak Spanish.

Oh, wow.

Wow. You must be so excited for summer.

I know, I am. Me too, but I don't go to the beach.

I only go to black owned pools.

Okay.

Well,

we're poly.

As the food folks.

Y'all need anything? Oh, no.

Thank you.

Okay, great.

Well, my shift is.

Ending, and I gotta get home to my son,

who I adopted from China.

Come Morelius

Oh. Oh.

That's what that sound was. Oh.

All right.

Right this way. Here you are.

Show me.

Fly, Mr. Cleese.

It's good to see you.

You, as well as well as in the US.

Tell me, do you know what we're gathered here to see?

All I've been told is that it's a new form

of entertainment called a play.

Yes. The poster simply said tonight at 7 p.m..

Come watch a book,

Curious.

Something appears to be happening.

I came to Montrose.

Hello.

I am not a simple farmer.

I am a cloth merchant.

Why are you up there?

Come sit with us.

Speak. Oh,

My chickens.

Time to feed.

Eat your grain, chickens.

I see no chickens. Friends.

It seems your chickens have run off.

Please sit down. Why?

Look.

Just yonder.

The king's general approaches the palace.

There's no general back there.

Why do you lie to us, sir?

What is this?

I sense grave events will befall our king.

Goodbye.

Hi, folks.

I've returned from the eye. Hello.

I am trying to message.

Please.

I am feeling need. Welcome.

Someone fetch the king.

Tell him his loyal friend in general brings distressing news.

I will go.

Oh, how I am.

Weak with hunger.

My head aches and my stomach roars with the want of food.

Oh, here.

Here's some bread, please.

And sit down, sir. Back to your seat.

You start.

Greetings, all.

I know. This man.

He is?

My neighbor. Tried to cross.

It is I, King.

Present us

Liar. You are no king.

He is an olive oil merchant.

My King

Island brothers laid siege to our caravan

and captured your wife.

The dear queen Celestria, I, I saw his wife this morn.

He. Stop interrupting, but he's lying to us.

Go away!

I don't like you.

Folks!

We shall set sail this moment and rescue her.

The air is oddly still this evening.

So how did you find your chickens?

Days have passed since the king's ship left harbor.

I pray the gods keep them safe.

Thanks, Zeus.

The ship is held well. Look.

The Army of Isles waits for us.

How can you trust us?

I will not wait to strike.

I know of your plot to murder me and steal both

my wife and my crown. How did you discover my secrets?

That is between me and the gods whom you soon show me. Oh!

Mark Dreyfus.

Why, why, why were we brought here?

To watch someone be murdered?

Oh, my God, it's pretend.

See? He's not really dead.

Do you understand? No.

So we act out a story, and you watch and pretend it's real.

Can you do that?

That sounds difficult.

I don't think I can.

Well, the next scene, there's nudity.

Open all with the show.

I love the theater. Yeah.

**

* THIS ISLAND IS OUR HOME

THIS ISLAND IS OUR HOME

BLESSED BY JAH

SO MUCH BEAUTY TO BEHOLD *

* BUT WHEN THERE IS WAR

AND STRUGGLE AND PAIN

HOW DO WE FILL OUR SOULS

WITH JOY AGAIN *

* WE LOOK AND WE LAUGH AND

GOTH KID ON VACATION

WITH THEIR FAMILY *

* GOTH KID ON VACATION

IN THE CARIBBEAN

GOTH KID ON VACATION

THEY JUST WANT TO LEAVE *

* GOTH KID ON VACATION *

**

* HE NO WEAR BATHING SUIT

HE WEAR BIG BLACK JEANS *

* HE WEAR NO SANDAL

HE GOT JAH COMBAT BOOTS

ON JAH BEACH *

* HE NO WAN NO JET SKI

HE NO SWIM WITH NO DOLPHIN *

* HE WAN SIT IN

THE HOTEL LOBBY

LOOK AT PHOTOS OF HIS

BIG-BONED GIRLFRIEND *

* GOTH KID ON VACATION

HIDING FROM THE SUN

GOTH KID ON VACATION

WATCH HIS HAIR DYE RUN *

* GOTH KID ON VACATION

HE NO HAVE NO FUN

GOTH KID ON VACATION *

* WHEN I WAS

A YOUNG BOY

MY PARENTS

TOOK ME DOWN TO JAMAICA *

* FOR MY HIGH SCHOOL

SPRING BREAK *

* THEY SAID COME TO

THE POOL BUT

I STAYED IN

THE ROOM WITH *

* MY GRAPHIC NOVELS

SO I COULD MASTURBATE

CUZ I'M A *

* GOTH KID ON VACATION

GOTH KID ON VACATION *

>> HEY, SO WHAT'S THE PLAN FOR

THIS AFTERNOON, GANG, WHAT DOES

EVERYBODY WANT TO DO?

>> GO HOME.

>> MAYBE SNORKELING.

>> MAYBE GO HOME.

>> SNORKELING SOUNDS GREAT.

>> GOING HOME SOUNDS GREAT.

>> DEXTER, MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST

GO TO THE BEACH AND WRITE YOUR

POETRY.

WOULD THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY?

>> HAPPINESS IS A DISEASE.

* HE SWEATING, HE SWEATING

OH MY

HE SWEATING, HE SWEATING

RIGHT THROUGH HIS T-SHIRT *

* HE SWEATING, HE SWEATING

ASS PRINT ON

THE LOUNGE CHAIR *

* HE SWEATING, HE SWEATING

LIFE IS MISERY FOR A

GOTH KID ON VACATION

MY SHIRT IS STAYING ON *

* GOTH KID ON VACATION

I'LL DO THE ZIPLINE ONCE

GOTH KID ON VACATION

PLEASE JUST TAKE ME HOME *

* GOTH KID ON VACATION

ONE LOVE *

>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ELTON

JOHN AND BRANDI CARLILE.

**

* PENNIMAN AND MACON

GO TOGETHER

SINGING LOUD SWEET GEORGIA

OOH MY SOUL *

* BLACK MASCARA

THICKER THAN MOLASSES

SEX AND SINNERS

TAKE A TOLL *

* FREEDOM FEATHERS FALLING

FROM OLD JIM CROW

GOT THE MISSISSIPPI BLUES

ON THE RADIO *

* BIG EASY BAKING

IN THE RED-HOT SUN

ROCK AND ROLL

TO NUMBER ONE *

* LITTLE RICHARD

WOKE UP WANTING

TO CAST OFF SEX AND IDOLS *

* GOD WHISPERED IN HIS EAR

COME ON OVER HERE

SON GET YOURSELF A BIBLE *

* POMPADOUR PILED

HIGH TO THE SKY

CHRIST IS COMING

BY AND BY *

* LONG TALL SALLY

MY OH MY

HE'S GOT THE GOOD BOOK

BY HIS SIDE *

**

**

* WITH RICHARD AND

THE DEVIL DIVIDED

THE HOLY WORD

FROM HEAVEN'S HANDS *

* THE SOUND OF

SWEET SALVATION

RINGING IN THE

EARS OF EVERYMAN *

* MADE-UP LOOKING PRETTY

VANITY WON'T PREVAIL *

* IT'S HOT DOWN SOUTH

BUT SHUT YOUR MOUTH

GRAB THAT OLD BOY

BY THE TAIL *

* LITTLE RICHARD

WOKE UP WANTING

TO CAST OFF SEX AND IDOLS *

* GOD WHISPERED IN HIS EAR

COME ON OVER HERE

SON GET YOURSELF A BIBLE *

* POMPADOUR PILED

HIGH TO THE SKY

CHRIST IS COMING

BY AND BY *

* LONG TALL SALLY

MY OH MY

HE'S GOT THE GOOD BOOK

BY HIS SIDE *

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

* BA-DOO-DEE-DOM-DOO-DAY

OH TUTTI FRUTTI *

**

**

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

It's Weekend Update

with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you.

Good evening everyone.

Welcome to Weekend Update I'm Michael Che.

I'm Colin Jost

Well.

America elected Donald Trump

to run the country like a business.

But it turns out he's running it like one of his businesses.

I love that you can intentionally ruin the economy

and still get to stay president.

It's like if you drunk, drove your car

through the window of the DMV

and they were like, license renewed.

It's insane.

This was the worst week for the stock market

since the summer of 2020.

But you have to remember back

then, the president was also Trump.

Just in the past two days,

investors have lost over $6 trillion.

Money is leaving the stock market faster than Morgan

Wallen at good night.

President Trump announced the tariff

on all goods imported into the U.S., saying

that the US has been plundered and raped by other countries,

and Trump will not stand for plundering.

And economic slowdown from tariffs

could be especially hard on China,

because it's not easy to tell a child

they're getting laid off.

I'm just getting started.

Yeah.

President Trump even imposed tariffs on remote islands

that are only inhabited by penguins.

Well, then maybe penguins shouldn't keep pushing their gay

agenda.

Senator Cory Booker set a record giving a 25

hour speech on the Senate floor, which is crazy.

I mean, I've been

talking for 45 seconds, and I already want to go home.

The previous record was actually held by Strom Thurmond,

who spoke for over 24 hours to protest the civil rights bill.

And look how effective that was.

The live

stream of Cory Booker speech got more than 350 million

likes on TikTok and was reshared millions more times

with the hashtag.

Why Vin Diesel trip? It?

The Department of Education.

Has warned state officials that public schools will lose

federal funding if they do not eliminate D-I programs.

So from now on, Spanish class

is just going to be English but louder class.

Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F Kennedy

Jr seen here watching a chicken sneeze on a baby.

Said this week that he's pushing for school

cafeterias to serve whole milk, though it's RFK,

so that milk could be coming from any hole.

In the Florida.

Special election Jimmy Petro on this one.

Matt Gaetz is old congressional

seat by 15 points, said gates 15.

Nice.

That's a creepy.

Way to real.

This week, President Trump met with kid Rock

for what appears to be drag queen Story Hour.

Kid Rock watch Trump sign

an executive order on concert ticket fees, and then return

to his regular job as a 4th of July long skeleton.

New York Mayor Eric

Adams announced that he is leaving the Democratic Party,

I assume, to hit up the after party.

Some studies suggest that

spring is the most common season for couples to break up.

Here to comment on how to maintain

a healthy relationship are grant and Alyssa, the couple

you can't believe are together.

What's been going on, bro?

We are so pumped to be here.

On Weekend Edition.

Let's come home.

Well. Thank you. Hello.

It's great to see you guys again.

I honestly forgot just how different you were.

And that's what makes us perfect.

Call it our differences.

We're gonna live happily ever after, baby.

Like Romeo and Juliet.

I assume.

That's great.

How do you guys keep your relationship healthy?

Man, it's important to know each other's love languages.

My love language is gift giving.

Guess what? I got her for our anniversary calling.

Guess what I got her. I don't know, maybe some.

That's right.

Clarinet.

Don't my baby look like

she would go stupid on a woodwind?

Guilty.

Man. And her love language is making me watch that

TV show about an Australian guy who lives in a porta potty.

He means Doctor Who.

I don't know, man.

We watch it every night, and she's a little game.

Bad as hell, watching Doctor Whoever

while she's sipping tea in her little nightcap.

Like the bear on the box

and, snorting line of pre-workout.

And I watch it like this.

And this.

I'm sorry for this.

This dynamic must work for you guys.

It works because we have ground rules.

Yeah, yeah, that's true.

Me and my baby, she has three rules for me.

Okay?

Rule number one, I do the dishes because I like playing

in the water.

Rule number two, she does the cooking

because I'm not allowed to touch the stove.

Rule number three, baby, tell them what you always tell

me. Don't wear those little shorts around

unless you're trying to drop them.

That's what.

You say where that come from?

Those are called.

Boundaries.

She has boundaries?

Yeah. Boundaries.

That's a new word that she taught me on Word Wednesdays.

Yeah.

Every Wednesday, my baby teaches me a new word.

And I love it.

And I want to say, girl, you make me feel undoubtedly

so close. Baby.

It's not.

That close.

Any final advice for couples who want to maintain

a healthy relationship?

I have a tip for all the ladies out there.

Listen to each other.

Never go to bed angry.

And if any of you ever come from my man,

I'll break a bitch off like a Kit-Kat bar.

Can't believe her again.

Every move on down and daughter.

Hyper Kit Kat.

A British woman,

says that her one year old son ate her father's ashes.

So in a way, he does have his grandpa's eyes.

Isn't that sweet?

Yeah.

Actor Russell Brand was charged in England with sexual assault,

which somehow makes this video even creepier.

Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Brown.

Wow. We really know.

How to pair him up.

Betty Webb, one of the last surviving World

War Two codebreakers, has died at the age of 101.

Webb first deciphered Nazi communications

after Hitler accidentally added her to a group chat.

A new report shows that the number of black men

attending historically black colleges

and universities has hit a historic low of 26%.

Sadly, historically, black

colleges are lacking one key resource.

White girls.

Are nearly.

I knew you wouldn't like it.

Now just imagine if I told it.

When he wrote it.

Subway has partnered with Doritos

to offer new footlong nachos.

But I don't love the slogan.

Eat out of this trough, you pig.

I'm also worried about this on Thursday

with National Burrito Day,

with many places offering free burritos,

including the back of this truck.

Mental health experts are saying that adults can help

deal with trauma by sleeping with a stuffed animal,

which is the same thing goofy whispered to your wife.

Her restaurant,

the restaurant chain Hooters, has filed for bankruptcy.

Apparently, their business model was a bust.

It's a thinker.

A ballet dancer set a new world record for longest distance

covered while performing a split on two moving ATV,

which also inspired the new TV show vagina. 911.

Great show.

Well, the white House Correspondents

Association announced it will no longer be a comedian

featured at this year's event

because they want to avoid divisive politics.

Here to comment is our very own ego wodumo.

Hey, Colin, what's up everybody?

All right, so. I'm just going to come out and say it.

They should let me do the white House Correspondents Dinner.

Okay.

That would be great angle.

But they said they don't want a comedian.

Yeah, that's.

Because every year a comedian gets up there talking trash

about the white House, about the media.

But no one's ever just made fun of the dinner.

At the dinner.

Well, you can't just be about the food.

Yes, I can just read the card.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the baddest

chick on the block.

White House correspondents.

How we do it?

White House.

Hey, chef.

Go ahead and hang that apron up, cause I'm doing.

The roasting tonight.

What?

What is this? Sam is thanking. Him.

Oh, this food is rank.

So for dinner.

I see y'all got a choice of beef, fish or chicken?

It's also a vegetarian option.

It's called walking.

Y'all gay ass to

Sweet greens across the street.

Barbecues, baby, cause I'm about to snap.

Sucker.

What is this voice talking?

They talking about?

They served me some seared Alaskan halibut.

So I said halibut.

You throw that mess in the trash. Sucker.

Now, is it just me, or is generals

hotter than trigonometry?

Oh, good God, this food is bland tonight.

I see y'all gonna pick them on the menu.

More like here come another man with another excuse.

The hell?

I'm back.

I'm sorry.

Angel, where is this going?

Somebody give that man five children

and ten years of my life.

You don't have kids.

Get your friend Michael, because I ain't doing no crowd work.

This is Eddie and me saying you did what?

That's right.

Hey, y'all know that.

That one doesn't know that.

It's Eddie. Just trying to get fed.

Get some and get that brought home.

The hell.

Who is miss Eggie?

Eddie is my stand up persona.

Call him. Please. Let me cook.

You're not.

You're not even talking about food anymore.

Yes, I am. Now listen here.

Sex is a

little different after 50.

You're not 50.

I tell you what, though.

No matter what age, Mr.

Egg, you go over easy up here.

Okay? Yeah.

Poke out here with his filibuster.

Shoo!

I had my fill of fosters

cause these men ain't.

What? You.

Lorne going to be mad at yall

and conclusion.

Thank you, white House, for having a bitch.

Oh, my God.

Yeah,

you know what?

Play any one in that room.

Oh, here we go.

Weekend update I|m Colin Jost

Michael che. Goodnight

>>> FRANCESCA, I HAD A GREAT

TIME TONIGHT.

>> ME, TOO, IT WAS COOL WHEN YOU

ALMOST CAUGHT THAT SHRIMP IN

YOUR MOUTH.

>> YEAH, I ALMOST HAD IT, TOO.

ANYWAY, FRANCESCA, I HAVE TO SAY

I REALLY LIKE YOU AND I'M

FEELING REALLY GOOD ABOUT US.

>> WOW, GREG, I FEEL THE SAME

WAY.

>> I THINK IT'S TIME TO TAKE

IT -- TO CONNECT

PHYSICALLY.

AND TAKE THIS TO THE NEXT LEVEL.

>> I DO, TOO.

>> OH.

* WHEN A MAN AND A WOMAN PUT ON

SILK PAJAMAS *

* AND FINALLY READY FOR A

BANG-O-RAMA *

* TOGETHER WE SWIM THROUGH THE

SEA OF ROMANCE *

* AND WE JOIN OUR BODIES IN A

SENSUAL DANCE *

* BECAUSE WE'RE MAKIN' LOVE *

* FIRST WE DO THINGS TO ME FOR A

WHILE *

* THEN WE DO THINGS TO YOU FOR

NOT THAT LONG *

* YOU'LL MAKE LOTS OF NOISE AS

OUR BODIES BLEND *

* I'LL JUST MAKE ONE NOISE AT

THE END *

* AS WE KISS WE CAN HEAR WE'RE

OUT OF BREATH *

* BECAUSE I'M IN A YOGA PLANK *

* AND I'M JUST CHILLIN' *

>> HEY, I HAVE AN IDEA!

HOW ABOUT SOME DIRTY TALK?

>> OH, SURE.

YOU'VE BEEN SO BAD.

I'M GOING TO KILL YOU.

>> WHOA, LITTLE SCARY.

NOW HOW ABOUT SOME CHAMPAGNE.

HERE YOU GO.

IT'S HARD TO REACH.

ARE YOU GETTING ANY?

SORRY, DIDN'T WANT IT TO GO IN

YOUR EYEBALLS.

SORRY.

THAT'S ENOUGH CHAMPAGNE.

>> WOW, THAT WAS SO ROMANTIC.

>> FOR ME AS WELL.

KNOW WHY?

* BECAUSE -- BECAUSE WE'RE

MAKIN' LOVE *

* AND THEN WITHOUT EVEN SAYING A

WORD *

* WE BOTH KNOW IT'S TIME TO

BRING IN A THIRD *

* HELLO I'M HERE TO FIX YOUR

PROBLEMS AND THIS WILL *

* DEFINITELY END WELL BECAUSE

BRINGING IN A THIRD *

* HAS NEVER NOT WORKED, SO

LISTEN UP, HERE'S THE PLAN *

* WE DO ME AND HIM THEN HER AND

ME *

* THEY SHE DOES HIM THEN SHE

DOES

ME *

* THEN I GET JEALOUS AND I CRY

FOR A LITTLE *

* SO WE GO OFF AND FIGHT IN THE

BATHROOM *

>> WHY ARE YOU MAD, THIS WAS

YOUR IDEA?

>> WELL NOW I FEEL WEIRD.

I SHUNT HAVE BROUGHT SOMEONE

FROM WORK.

HE'S GOING TO TELL EVERYONE HOW

LOVE I LOVE MAKE.

>> HEY GUYS, I CAN HEAR YOU.

SHOULD I JUST GO BACK TO

MIDTOWN?

* IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT,

EVERYTHING WILL BE DANDY *

* IF WE BRING IN A FOURTH AND

THE FOURTH IS BRANDI *

>> BRANDI, GIVE US YOUR WISDOM.

* WHAT YOU NEED IS TO LOVE EACH

OTHER DOWN *

* YOU NEED TO LET YOUR LOVE FIRE

BURN *

* THE TWO OF YOU GOT TO GET

TOGETHER AND HOLD *

* EACH OTHER CLOSE AND ALWAYS

REMEMBER TO TAKE TURNS *

>> TAKE TURNS?

OH, BRANDI, THEY DON'T DO THAT,

YOU LESBUN.

>> I TRIED.

* THANKS FOR HAVING US IN THIS

LOVE PARADE *

* ISN'T IT WEIRD THIS IS HOW

PEOPLE ARE MADE *

* WELL YOU KNOW WHAT'S NEXT, WE

GET TO DO THE ONE THING *

* THAT'S BETTER THAN SEX WE GET

TO LAY DOWN *

* AND WATCH TV, TV **

Hey, y'all.

Thanks for coming out today.

We are Big Ricky and the minnows.

And every Sunday we host our jam.

So if you're a musician, come on up.

All instruments, all skill levels are welcome to jam.

Also at 1:00,

there is the Diabetes Awareness Wet T-shirt contest.

Till then, let's jam.

This one's for all my 90s babies.

Two. Three. Four.

She's a good girl,

loves her mom, loves Jesus.

And her boyfriend, too.

Oh. Look at this.

We got our first jammer, not some bass asking.

You shall receive him a ride. What's your name?

A man trish, you know there's.

Water inside in two, three, four.

It's a long day.

Living in Recida

Oh. That bass feels good.

Yeah. Running through the yard.

Hey, now, what do we have here?

No shirt, no shoes and a bass.

Are we dealing with a double bass sandwich?

Right on a man.

Also, is that a McDonald's number two on your chest?

Yeah, because I'm loving it.

Right.

01234.

I'm a bad boy cause I don't even miss her.

I'm a bad boy for breaking her heart.

Wow. Now it is an embarrassment of basses

I love you bigger

and more.

Looks like our sweet jam is summoned to siren.

You fresh out of the lake, darling?

Yeah, just killing time before the boom contest.

Well, let's get this wet.

Steal a tambourine.

Nah nah nah, I play the bass.

Oh, okay. I got the bass.

I'm not sure there's any real estate left on the amp

I found an open socket

she slapping

I guess bass was never really missing.

From this song.

How can we change the vibe of free form?

Hey, hey, you think Tom Petty's making this?

I do not care. Oh, good.

Let's hit the chorus.

Three, four, three.

Oh, man.

Yeah, it's all over the neighborhood.

But we're probably in our quota on bass.

The quality of the sound feels like a sinus infection.

All instruments are, well, but if you got a.

Bass, maybe Sydney set up.

We'll catch you next time. We are

Big Ricky and the minnows.

And we are good on bass.

Oh, yeah. Gospel bass. Yes.

We could do some percussion.

What's your name?

Given or stage? Stage?

My name is Kevin Bassy

Oh, yeah.

That is a disappoint on two levels.

And, we were the spoons.

For all these spoons over crack,

that's for sure.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, I'm having a hard time hearing the melody.

Got lost in a corn maze, a bass, anybody else's teeth?

Brown.

Looks like they're just throwing sparks in production.

The girl who's dripping wet in some room

with right over the air.

Guys got.

But. Oh, it's Mark, the owner of the bass bar.

Hey, not a moment too soon.

We could use some keyboard. Oh, what?

I know this is just my carrying case from.

A single training base.

Case for a bass match.

Okay,

this is like going to cookout and everybody, but keep your

good.

Eddie, where do you get that?

Whatever. Let's keep jamming.

Three, four.

This is too much space to make another sound.

Waves, man. Good. You made your dog bark.

Now he's mute, but he's a bass.

And hound dog.

Tell me that dog plays bass.

We don't.

Want bass. And people keep bringing bass.

So how about this?

We want more bands and.

Listen to my bands.

The frequencies could endanger the integrity of the beer.

Ready? We're going down.

Let's go downstairs.

All right.

Everybody, let's jam free.

For free. I.

>>> ONCE AGAIN, ELTON JOHN AND

BRANDI CARLILE!

**

**

* YOU DON'T NEED TO

LAUGH SO HARD

YOU DON'T HAVE TO

WEAR A TIE *

* SOMETIMES HONEST

IS BEING CAUGHT

INSIDE A LIE *

* AND I HAVE BEEN THERE

I HAVE BEEN THERE *

* IF I'D LIVED AN EASY LIFE

WOULD I STILL CHOOSE YOU

WOULD I FALL ON

THE SAME KNIFE *

* A RODEO QUEEN BREATHING

FIRE INTO THE NIGHT *

* I HAVE BEEN THERE

MAN I'VE BEEN THERE *

* WHAT DO YOU SAY WE SET

THE PLEASANTRIES ASIDE *

* EVEN THE DIAMONDS

LOOK LIKE ROCKS

TO THE UNTRAINED EYE *

* WHAT DOES IT COST

TO BUY YOUR SOUL BACK

WHEN YOU DIE *

* WHAT ARE THE ANGELS GONNA

DO WITH YOU AND I

OH *

* WHAT'LL THE ANGELS

DO WITH YOU AND I *

* BLAME THE END OF DAYS

MERCURY IN RETROGRADE

WHO BELIEVES IN

ANGELS ANYWAY *

**

* THE COLOR OF

THE LIE IS WHITE

I WOULD DIE ON THAT HILL

IN A ONE-HANDED FIGHT *

* IF YOU'RE NOT

SWINGING FIRST

YOU WERE NEVER

IN THE RIGHT *

* I HAVE BEEN THERE

MAN I'VE BEEN THERE *

* WHAT DO YOU SAY WE SET

THE PLEASANTRIES ASIDE *

* EVEN THE DIAMONDS

LOOK LIKE ROCKS

TO THE UNTRAINED EYE *

* WHAT DOES IT COST

TO BUY YOUR SOUL BACK

WHEN YOU DIE *

* WHAT ARE THE ANGELS GONNA

DO WITH YOU AND I

OH *

* WHAT'LL THE ANGELS

DO WITH YOU AND I *

* BLAME THE END OF DAYS

MERCURY IN RETROGRADE

WHO BELIEVES IN

ANGELS ANYWAY *

* BLAME THE END OF DAYS

MERCURY IN RETROGRADE

WHO BELIEVES IN

ANGELS ANYWAY *

**

* THERE'S NO NEED TO

CURSE THE STARS

OR BITE BEFORE YOU BARK *

* BUT WHEN YOU NEED SOMEONE

TO WALK WITH IN THE DARK *

* I HAVE BEEN THERE

I HAVE BEEN THERE *

* OH I HAVE BEEN THERE

I HAVE BEEN THERE

MAN I'VE BEEN THERE *

* OH I HAVE BEEN THERE

I'VE BEEN THERE

MAN I'VE BEEN THERE *

* I'VE BEEN THERE

I'VE BEEN THERE

OH *

**

**

**

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Wow. It's going to be all.

Well, I'll say.

All right.

Babe.

What the hell was that?

I don't even know it happened so fast.

Okay, I'll leave for five seconds

to get a couple of dogs in your kitchen.

Some stinking salmon.

I'm standing right here and I think someone took a photo.

Oh, nobody took a photo. And don't get upset.

It was nothing. And I hated it anyway. Oh, yeah.

I knocked backwards and arch my foot

when I hit something too.

I'm surprised you didn't pop your shirt open.

Don't be crass, Arthur.

It was just some drunk sailor who was just happy to be home.

Now let's just have a hot dog and forget the whole thing.

Oh, did you want me to get you a hot dog?

Oh, you got four hot dogs for yourself.

Is that a problem?

If you wanted a dog, you should have told me.

You know what? I'm not even hungry.

I'm too excited.

We can finally start our lives.

Oh, hello.

May I kiss you on the mouth?

Well, I don't see why not.

Oh, Hey, buddy.

All right, come on. That's time's up.

Okay, knock it off. For real.

Wrap it up, bucko.

Seriously, I'm getting my guy.

Two more seconds, and then that's it. Run!

Hey, man, you got that hot dog for you?

Yeah, I had to go to the other car to get it.

Thank you.

Why are you still here?

Oh, isn't this the line to kiss the nurse?

Now get out of here.

Hey! Hey, punk!

That's my girl you just kissed.

Yeah, I know.

What the hell is going on, babe?

Honey, they're just happy to be home.

It was a long walk.

Yeah. You don't think I know that?

I served my country.

Maybe not a guy with a gun, but I serve.

I know you did, sweetheart.

When Uncle Sam

put out the call for able-bodied illustrators to draw racist

propaganda cartoons

of the Japanese emperor, I was first in line.

And I am so proud of you, honey.

You know

how many people joined the army because of my racist cartoons?

Millions. Hundreds of millions.

So I guess what?

I think I've earned myself a little treat, too.

Oh, Arthur. Don't. Too late.

Hello, Dolly.

Pucker up, Dolly Purvis.

I hope we can just say. She's.

Okay, now you're on the kisser.

Oh, but well played.

Well, you know what? We're breaking up.

Not forever. Just for now.

Until this kiss ends.

Because when it does, you're on with me.

Wow. Welcome home to me, I guess.

Jag off.

That's my girls.

Wait, are you author Donald the cartoonist?

That's right.

Your cartoons just. Wow.

Thank you.

I mean, even for war time,

they were really, really, really racist.

So much.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

You're too kind.

You are a sick man.

Always nice to meet a fan.

Goodbye, miss. Oh.

Hey, how about you dip your girl and I'll take a photo?

That's more like it.

Come on, darling, I'm gonna give you a smooch.

Oh my gosh.

>>> THANKS TO ELTON JOHN, BRANDI

CARLILE, MIKE MYERS.

WHERE'S MIKE MYERS?

ANYWAY, YOU GUYS, THIS HAS BEEN

A LIFE HIGHLIGHT.

THIS IS THE BEST CREW, BEST

WRITERS, BEST CAST.

LOVE YOU.

MWAH!