Original subtitles

- Oh, no.

[jaunty hollow music]

♪

- Is something wrong with the omelet?

Did I use too much chèvre?

Or is it too little chèvre?

Which is it, too much chèvre, or too little chèvre?

- Do you mind not saying "chèvre" anymore?

- No problem.

Are you okay?

- Hm?

Yeah, I just have a-- a lot to do

before the homecoming dance.

Will you help me with my zombie makeup later?

- Yeah, it'd be my pleasure.

- What are you writing?

- Tonight's my first ever high school dance,

so I want to ensure that I have the proper teen experience.

I'm making a list of '80s movie clichés

that I want to make happen.

- Can I see it? - Yeah.

- So number one is

"be crowned homecoming king."

- Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

I know that might seem unlikely,

but that's exactly why it's going to happen.

In '80s movies, it's always

the most unlikely person,

typically the nerdy kid with

the most fully-realized character arc,

who gets crowned king.

I'm a nerd,

and I came back from the dead.

Can't get a better character arc than that, right?

Plus, the theme of the dance is, you know, inspired by me,

so should be a shoe-in.

- Right.

The problem with that is, um,

they crowned king and queen

earlier this week at the homecoming parade.

- What? Really?

Who got picked?

- Ah, Bev Fitternick

and uh, Luke Sullivan.

- O-okay, Bev, I get.

You know, she's a bit of a nerd,

and she overcame gout, which,

if we're talking character arcs,

I wouldn't necessarily

put at the top of the list, but

but Luke Sullivan?

What kind of character arc did that kid have?

"Awesome, good-looking guy transforms into

slightly more awesome, good-looking guy"?

But you know what? It's okay.

I've got plenty more clichés to get through.

- Okay, what do you think?

Is it too slutty?

- No, no, it's not slutty. - Damn it!

I want too slutty, and I want something

that's going to make Bethany regret

not going to homecoming with me.

- Mm-hm. - I could

go more conservative, you know?

Leave a little to the imagination.

- Yeah, totally.

- Or maybe, I could just shave my dog

and pour hot glue all over myself

and just cover my body with dog hair.

- Mm-hm, yeah.

No, that sounds-- that sounds great.

- Okay, Charles, wake up. [claps]

- What? I-- I'm--yes, I'm up.

- You know the zombie dance isn't until later tonight?

Why are you being all "Walking Dead" on me right now?

- I don't--I don't know.

I, um--I just...

- You just... what?

Talk to me.

- Okay.

I'm gonna tell you, but you have to promise

not to tell anyone else.

- Right, I promise, I promise.

- Okay, um, I had a s--

like, a sex dream.

About Ben.

- You had a sex dream with Ben?

That's it?

Big freaking deal.

- No, what? That--yes!

It's a huge freaking deal, Wren.

This is--this is Ben Bloom.

- Was it any good?

Holy shit!

You're blushing!

Okay, wait.

Give me all the details.

I want to know everything.

- [sighs] Uh, no.

I--no, I don't think so.

- Bitch, I wasted a promise on this.

The least you can do is give me some goddamn details.

- Okay, all right. Settle down.

Okay, so I was--

I was the proprietor

of a small but thriving ranch

in the hills of Montana.

Um, and Ben--he was my ranch hand,

and, uh, I was coming back from a horseback ride.

He was baling hay in the barn, and...

s--one thing kind of, like,

led to another, and, uh...

we had, you know...

- Mm-hm.

Well, did you, you know,

do it on the barn floor, or...

- No.

We, uh--we, like,

we--we did it

on my horse.

- Okay. I was wrong.

This is the best thing I've ever heard.

- I mean, what do you think it means, though?

Is it my brain telling me

that, like, I like Ben?

- No, it was a dream. Dreams are meaningless.

You know, last week, I had a dream that

I had sex with Flo from those insurance commercials.

It doesn't mean I'm in love with Flo.

Although she does seem like someone

I could really settle down with.

- Um...

So you don't think I have anything

to, like, worry about?

- Worry about what?

Charles, if you like Ben,

believe me, you'd be the first to know.

- You're right.

- So was it dead Ben, or alive Ben?

- It was dead Ben.

- He is actually hotter now that he's dead.

[upbeat music]

- Yeah.

♪

- How you doing? Do you need any water or anything?

- No, I'm fine.

Thank you.

- Um, do you mind closing your eyes

for just a second?

[softly] Okay.

Okay. You can open them now.

Is this what you want?

Hey, is this what you want?

- I don't know what I want.

- Did I use too much eye shadow?

- All right, ready to go?

- Oh, what-- what are you doing?

- Excuse me?

- I told you to let me know when you were coming down.

- What are you talking about?

- In every high school movie,

there's a moment before the dance

where the girl comes down the stairs in her dress.

The guy sees her for the first time,

and he's so blown away by how good she looks,

all he can say is, "Wow."

It's on my list of clichés.

You gotta go upstairs and come back down again.

- You've already seen me.

- Uh-uh--do it!

- [softly] Okay...

- Um...

All right, you can come down

in three,

two,

one.

['80s romantic music plays]

♪

Wow.

♪

- Okay, can we go now?

- Yeah, let's rock and roll.

You really do look great, though.

[William Bolton's "Angel Boy"]

- ♪ Heartbreak like a sad romance ♪

- Okay.

- ♪--I'm not your man

♪ I can blow your mind like whoa ♪

♪ Why be faithful when you got hoes ♪

♪ Drop top and off we go

♪ We go pop off that's how we roll ♪

- Hey, guys.

So? What do you think?

- Oh, I think you look really great, Luke.

- I mean the decorations,

but I'll take that, too.

- Oh. No, yeah.

No, the--no, the decorations look great.

- I don't know if you can tell, but I was able to salvage

some of your ideas.

Yeah, the--the haunted forest

you know, is right there, and, um,

we turned the meadow into a graveyard,

but the basic idea is still there.

- But I threw those drawings in the trash.

- Yeah, well, I may have

fished them out of the trash.

- Really?

You went through the garbage for me?

That's so...

- Gross.

Unsanitary.

Desperate. - It's considerate.

- Eh.

Not the word I would use, but sure.

- Uh...

Well,

I have some king-related duties

I need to attend to.

I'll see you guys around.

- Farewell, Your Majesty.

- Ben. - [laughs] No, no, he's right.

I deserve it. I mean,

can't believe they're making me wear this dumb thing.

♪

- Where do you think the refreshments table is?

- What?

- Oh, it's--it's for my list of clichés.

In all teen movies,

there's a comically-oversized bowl of red punch

that some rapscallion inevitably spikes.

Tonight... [laughs]

[whispering] I'm that rapscallion.

- Hey, Ben.

Look at us.

We're twins!

[laughs] - Mason.

Yeah, man, it's like--

it's like looking in a mirror.

- Right? [laughs]

[growls]

[hesitant laughter]

See you on the dance floor. - All right.

- [growls]

- [clears throat]

[sighs] Let's groove!

- ♪ Angel boy

[energetic pop music]

♪

- So you have a wife, or...

- I'm divorced, actually.

- Cool.

I'm single, too.

So, you, like, live in a house, or...

- Yes, Mitch, I live in a... house.

- Sweet.

I love houses.

Always have.

♪

- Hey, VP Kelly.

[sighs] [clears throat]

Man, I'm parched.

Where can I find the refreshments table?

- There isn't one, Benjamin.

- What do you mean, there isn't one?

There's no comically-oversized bowl of red punch?

- No, we stopped serving punch years ago.

Some rapscallion would inevitably spike it.

- What kind of dance is this?

- I know you're being rhetorical,

but the answer is "a responsible one."

♪

- I shot a guy yesterday.

It was just instinct.

♪

- Hey, can I have my phone?

- Hello, Charles.

Cowboy.

- What did you just call me?

- Nothing.

Hey, let me get your opinion.

Which one of these looks says

"Bethany, I'm disappointed in you

"for not coming to the dance with me.

"Why can't you just grow up

and embrace who you are, you stupid Republican dick?"

This one...

- It's good.

- Or this one?

- Definitely the second one.

- Got it. Thanks.

[muttering] Funny. [laughs]

- [laughs] Oh, no, no, no.

No, this simply won't do. - What?

- This is my first and probably last high school dance.

I will not have you just spoil it by being on your phones.

- Christ, you sound like my dad.

- Is that supposed to be an insult?

Because Kiwan Perkins is a responsible,

pragmatic, levelheaded businessman,

and being compared to him is a compliment

of the highest order. - Ben.

What do you want to do next on your list?

- Oh, right. Item number four on the list,

and probably the most important:

a kick-ass dance montage.

- Too bad this is real life, and in real life,

there are no kick-ass dance montages.

- Ah, Charley Albright, you have no imagination.

Come on, let's go.

- Ben... - Let's go!

♪

[Johnny Stimson's "Here We Go Again"]

♪

- ♪ I've got this love condition ♪

♪ But I don't have a cure

♪ Head over heels attention

♪ It don't matter what I'm looking for ♪

♪

♪ Got my dancing shoes

♪

♪ Wish I knew some moves

♪ But I got nothing to lose ♪

♪ And I'm looking at you

♪ Maybe I've got you

♪ Maybe I don't

♪ And maybe I'll love you

♪ Maybe I won't

♪ And I am never satisfied

♪ Begging for more

♪ So here we go again

♪ Here we go

♪

- Oh, my God. You like Ben.

- ♪ But I don't have a cure

♪ Head over heels attention

♪ Don't matter what I'm looking for ♪

- Oh, my God. I like Ben.

- ♪ Got my dancing shoes

[spacey electronic music]

♪

- Hey, Charley?

They're about to do the homecoming court slow dance,

and... well, seeing as how I don't have a date,

could I get that dance from you now?

- Yeah. Totally.

- You cool with that, Ben?

I mean, obviously, we won't go farther than 30 feet.

- Yeah, yeah, sure.

You two go dance.

Have fun.

Not too much fun.

Like, a respectable level of fun.

- [laughs] "Respectable level of fun."

You got it, boss.

[Emmit Fenn's "Blinded" playing]

♪

- Looks like it's just you and me.

- ♪ Don't need this

- It's just me.

♪

- ♪ 'Cause I feel blinded

♪ Blinded by you

♪

♪ Don't need this

- You...

You look really great dead.

Uh...

Wow, that-- out of context,

that's a really creepy thing to say.

[laughter]

- No, you--you look

really great dead too, Luke.

- ♪ 'Cause I feel blinded

♪ Blinded by you blinded by you ♪

♪

- Bethany, can I, uh, talk to you in private?

Please?

- Is this about the civics project?

- Yeah, civics.

Whatever.

- Um...

Yeah, I mean, you know.

It's--schoolwork never ends, right?

I'll just be right back, guys.

♪

- ♪ Don't need this like I used to ♪

♪

- I can't do this.

- You can't do what?

- This.

Pretending like I don't have feelings for you.

It's not me.

It's--it's not fair.

This isn't who I am.

I'm not the type of person who can just

bottle up her emotions.

I can only be me.

Ugh, I know I sound like

a soda commercial right now, but...

- ♪ 'Cause I feel blinded

I can only be me.

- Yeah, I know.

You're right.

- I am?

- Yeah.

It's--it's not fair to you.

I'm sorry, Wren.

I...

I wish I was more like you.

I would settle to be a little like you.

You're so... brave,

but...

- But what?

- But I'm not you.

♪

- ♪ Don't need this like I used to ♪

♪

♪ 'Cause I feel blinded

♪ Blinded by you

♪

- Dude, you are a genius.

- What are you talking about?

- I mean, this whole scheme you got going with Charley.

- Scheme? What scheme?

- This whole "magical necklace, 30 feet" bullshit.

I mean, it's a genius move.

If you were alive,

Charley wouldn't have anything to do with a guy like you.

But now, she can't get away from you.

Literally. [laughs]

You seriously gotta hook me up

with whoever gave those necklaces.

I want to use them on Susie Fleckman.

And there she is.

I'll be right back.

♪

- ♪ Don't need this like I used to ♪

♪

♪ 'Cause I feel blinded

♪ Blinded by you

♪

- Hey, Ben.

- Hey, Charley.

What are you wearing? - Oh.

Just this dumb dress my mom picked out for me.

It looks stupid.

- No.

I think you look nice.

Take a seat.

I wanted to do a card trick I want to show you.

- Can you show me later?

Abby Fletcher asked me to have lunch with her.

- Oh, that's okay.

I can show it to you over there.

I work better with bigger crowds anyway.

- Actually, she invited just me.

I feel like it'd be rude if you came, too.

But I can put a good word in for you,

and then we'll all eat lunch together tomorrow, okay?

- Okay.

You're not wearing your necklace.

- Oh.

Yeah.

Guess I must have forgot to put it on.

I'll see you later, Ben.

- See you.

[Emmit Fenn's "Blinded"]

- ♪ Blinded by you

♪ Don't need this like I used to ♪

♪

- Hey, what did you want to talk about?

Ben?

Will you slow down? You're scaring me.

- Charley.

I need to come clean about something.

- Okay, what?

- Remember that day we were trying to find Madam Fortuna,

and we stopped at a bookstore?

- Sure.

- I lied to you.

It wasn't a dead end.

The guy inside gave me her address.

- What?

Wait, are you kidding? Why would you lie about that?

- I thought that if we found Madam Fortuna,

she'd be able to break the spell,

and we wouldn't need to be near each other anymore.

It's stupid, I know, but

I thought that if you had to be near me,

you would start to like me again.

- Ben, that's ridiculous.

Wait, is this--

is this one of your high school movie clichés?

To force some sort of big emotional climax?

- No.

This cliché's real.

There's one more thing.

I don't need to be within 30 feet of you.

- What?

- The distance rule.

I made it up.

I don't feel any pain when we're apart from each other.

It was all part of my scheme to force you to be around me.

- Okay.

[softly crying] You know what?

I think it's best if I go back in the dance

and stay as far away from you as humanly possible.

- Charley, I'm sorry-- - Stop!

No, stop.

Is--is all you do

you'll just--all these speeches

you give me about love

and life and identity,

and it just--you sound really smart and insightful.

It's just--it's all bullshit.

It's all lies, and...

[sighs] You know, and now--

now it's my turn

to give you my really smart and insightful speech.

You're a dick, Benjamin Bloom.

♪

This is definitely further than 30 feet.

You don't feel anything?

- Nothing.

- [pained groans]

[synth music]

♪

- ♪ Lately he's unraveling

♪ Lately he's unraveling low ♪

♪ Ooh, and it hurts me

♪

♪ Lately he's unraveling

♪ Lately he's unraveling slow ♪

♪ Repeat of the devil you know ♪

♪ Ooh, and it hurts me