Original subtitles

- The earth rotates at a rate of...

- Fifteen degrees per hour.

All right, what is the most abundant element by volume

in the Earth's crust?

- Oxygen.

- Man, we're going to crush this earth science test.

Might as well change its name to earth "bye-ience"

because after we're done with this test,

we'll be all like, "Bye-er-science."

You know?

- No. I don't know.

- Sup, Doobies? - Hey, Wren.

- Hey.

- Anything going on this weekend?

- No, and I'd like to keep it that way.

I just--I need a break.

It's been such a crazy week.

There's school, all this attention.

I need a break from my mom.

- Wait, why would you be getting a break from your mom?

- Oh, I don't know. I don't--

I don't really know why I said that.

- It's because your mom's going

to a real-estate convention this weekend, remember?

- God damn it, Ben. - What'd I do?

- Do you see this face?

This is the face of someone who wants to throw a party.

No. No party.

- Come on, Charles, why not?

- Because I just said, like, I need a break.

The last thing I need is a bunch of drunk teenagers

breaking stuff at my house.

- Fine.

- No party.

- Okay.

- I think a party sounds fun.

- Yeah, for whoever doesn't have to

clean it up in the morning.

There's no way I'm having a party.

There's no way.

- Hey, Charley.

Wren just said you're having a party tonight?

- Yeah, yeah.

I'm definitely having a party.

- Well, I guess I'll see you tonight.

- Okay, yeah, I'll see you.

Bye, Luke.

- What? There's not that much to clean up.

I love parties. I love throwing parties.

- Don't forget we're going drape shopping

with my mom after school.

- Oh, that's today.

Okay, but I have Key club--

- Key club, yeah, 3:30, I know.

But those meetings never last longer than an hour,

so I told my mom 4:45.

- Okay, just remember we're eating with my mom--

- With your mom, yeah, at 6:00? We'll make it work.

Oh, uh...

- Okay, I know we're making the most

of this little situation,

but there are just a few things

I would like to do by myself.

- Right, I'll be right here if you need me.

- Yo, what up, Zombie?

- Oh, Bryce, I'm not actually a zom--

- C-Man, how's it going? - Good, but I'm...

- Kon'nichiwa, Zombie-san.

- Ichiro... I'm not actually a zombie.

- Get used to it, man.

Once you're labeled something at this school,

you stuck with it.

Like me and the name Eleanor.

- Wait, that's not your name?

- Nah, man, it's Dennis.

- Dennis... why does everyone call you Eleanor?

- It was freshman year, U.S. history class.

We were watching a video on FDR's New Deal.

I didn't have time for lunch that day,

so I had a Snicker bar stuffed in my pocket.

It was a king size, so it made quite the bulge.

Anyway, Teddy Lepinski saw it,

and he thought it was a hard-on.

So he told everybody in class that I wanted to bone

Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

- Why didn't you just show him it was a candy bar?

- It just happened so fast, I froze.

Before I knew it, everybody was calling me Eleanor,

as in FDR's wife, Eleanor Roosevelt.

I tried everything to get the name to unstick,

but nothing works.

- What up, Zombie? Yo, Eleanor.

- Hey, Mason, I'm actually going by "El" now.

- Sound good, Eleanor.

- High school's hell.

[mellow rock music]

♪

[man singing]

♪

- I don't know how you do it, Ben.

That was the perfect meal.

Perfect.

- Well, thank you.

I hope you saved room for dessert.

I made blueberry buckle from a recipe

I got off AltonBrown.com.

I don't want to toot my own horn, but... toot, toot.

- Well, that sounds delicious, but I gotta go

if I'm gonna make my flight.

- Please, allow me.

- Oh, thank you, Ben.

I guess it's true what they say,

chivalry is dead.

- Oh! - Get it?

- "Chivalry is dead."

- That is too funny, Laurel, too funny.

- Thanks.

You sure you two are going to be okay

by yourselves this weekend?

- Yeah, Mom. Definitely.

You have nothing to worry about.

- That's exactly what someone would say

if I had something to worry about.

- Okay, Mom, you got me.

I'm having a huge party tonight.

Actually, Wren's in the pantry right now with a dolly

ready to wheel out all the party supplies,

'cause we're gonna burn this mother down... Mother.

- Fine. Call me if there's any problems.

I'll see you on Sunday.

- Bye. - Take care, Laurel.

Safe travels.

- Thank you.

- Thank God, I thought that dinner would never end.

- Sorry, you know, it would've been shorter,

if Ben hadn't served three courses.

- Hey, I didn't hear you complaining

when you were stuffing your face

with my pan-seared scallops and beet puree starter.

- I was not stuffing my face.

- Um, what's with the buckets and tissues?

- It's a high school party, Ben.

Someone always pukes, someone always cries.

- Wait, Ben, is this your first party?

- Um, does a wedding count?

- No.

- How about a bar mitzvah?

- No.

- What about Free Cone Day at Ben & Jerry's?

Because that can get pretty wild.

Okay, this is my first party.

Should I be nervous?

I really don't know what to expect.

I suppose I can win everyone over with a magic trick.

both: No! - No magic.

See, these are things I need to know.

We should come up with like a code word you can say

if you see me making a fool of myself,

something like "peanut butter milk shake."

- Ben, relax. It's going to be fine.

Just pace yourself, and you'll have

a really good time, trust me.

- Pace myself. Got it.

all: [chanting] Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

[man rapping]

[energetic hip-hop music]

♪

- Stop being so aggressive, you're going to scare her away.

- It's too late for that.

Look at her just sitting over there, all innocent.

Poor girl has no idea what's coming for her.

- What's coming for her?

- I'm not sure yet.

Just testing the fences for weaknesses, you know?

Like, trying to find a way in.

- You're like a sexual velociraptor.

- I am, aren't I? I'm like a sexual velociraptor.

[screeches, clicks]

- Hello, ladies! - Oh, God.

- Either of you want to have sex with my boner tonight?

- What? Ew! - Ugh! What?

- So was that a "no" on the boner sex, or...

No, I'm really asking. See, I-I--

I haven't told many people about this,

but I suffer from a condition

called socially emotional agnosia.

It means I have a hard time picking up

on nonverbal social cues.

Needless to say it's made high school tough for me.

Not being able to relate to like fellow classmates and all.

- Wow, Mason, I had no idea. - Yeah, really, I'm sorry.

- No, I'm just playing. [laughs]

I just made all of that up so you guys would feel bad

and want to have boner sex tonight.

So...

- No, Mason! - Okay.

- Take your boner elsewhere. - All right, all right!

- Oh, my God.

Okay, he's here.

Cheers.

Hey, what's up? You guys look great.

You guys-- you got enough to drink?

Hey, good to see you guys. Good to see you guys.

- Hey, Charley. - Hey, Luke.

I didn't see you. Um, thank you for coming.

- Thanks for having me.

- I-I-- do you want a beer?

I happen to be holding two.

- Thank you.

- So, what was it like?

Coming back to life?

- Oh, it's kind of like

getting your wisdom teeth out, you know?

I don't really remember much, just waking up in a coffin.

- Wow. Creepy.

Good thing you weren't cremated.

- Holy crap. Yeah, I never thought of that.

Good thing I wasn't cremated. [laughs]

- Hey, want to stick a fork in that wall outlet

right there and see what happens?

- Yeah.

- I like your house.

It's very house-like.

- Do you want the tour?

- Please.

- Uh, cool.

So, that, um, that's the living room.

That is the kitchen.

Do you want to see the upstairs?

- Yeah. Yeah. Definitely.

- You okay? - Yeah.

- Let's go! - Yeah!

[cheers and applause]

- I guess to answer your question,

I'd have to say football is my favorite sport.

- I didn't ask you a question.

- Definitely football. Mm-hmm.

It's the touchdowns that get me.

I love scoring touchdowns, love it.

But enough about me, let's talk about you.

How do you feel about me scoring touchdowns?

- Um, I don't know, neutral.

- Sweet.

You sure you good with just water?

'Cause I can go make you a drink if you want.

- Actually, I will take a cup

of whatever takes the longest to make.

- You got it.

Hey. Mason special, coming right up.

Hope you like fruit.

- Sup.

- Um, that is a hallway, these are--

um, this is a staircase, original floorboards, actually.

Um, light switch, another one right here,

and here is my room.

- You need to be near Ben at all times, right?

Is it cool that you're this far away from him?

- Yeah, he's below us in the kitchen,

so we're above him, so he's fine.

- I like the painting. - Thanks, my dad painted it.

- Oh. Sorry.

- Why are you sorry?

- I... I-I'm not really sure.

Sorry about being sorry.

I can see where you get your talent from.

I like how it's a hybrid of objective and nonobjective art.

- Oh, yeah?

- I have no idea what that means, actually.

I know nothing about art.

Should have just gone with my first thought:

flowers look cool.

- Roses, like my middle name.

- Charlotte Rose.

Wow, that's a beautiful name.

It suits you.

- You know I'm not like you, right?

I'm not, you know--

- What, like a Virgo?

I know, your birthday's in June.

- No, I mean like I'm not...

wait, how do you know my birthday's in June?

- Okay, busted. I may have stalked

your Instagram one or two times... or 30.

- Wait, really?

- Do you want me to go? I can leave you alone.

- No. No, no, you can just-just stay.

- Yo, this Alton Brown really know how to buckle a blueberry.

- I can't believe Charley is upstairs right now

with that backstabber.

It's like April 8th, 2012, all over again.

- What happened April 8th, 2012?

- Nothing.

- Yo, does she know how much she means to you?

- Of course.

I tell her, like, pretty much every day.

- Just words, man.

That's all they are.

If you really like this girl,

you need to start thinking bigger than just words.

- What do you mean?

- You seen "Pretty in Pink"?

- I really am sorry about your homecoming pitch the other day.

I mean, it's so stupid we're doing this zombie idea.

- No, no. It's fine.

I get it, I do.

- Well... I still feel terrible...

But... while we're on the subject of homecoming...

Would you maybe want to--

- Charley! You gotta come down quick.

Something horrible happened to Ben.

It's horrible, come on!

- Ben? Ben? Has anybody seen Ben?

[Electric Guest's "Dear to Me"]

♪

- ♪ Always underwater

♪ When the night comes down

♪ I can't figure it out

♪ Back to going nowhere

♪ Don't know why you'd want it ♪

♪ Thought that we'd fade out

- ♪ Ooh

- ♪ Sometimes only doubt

♪ Shows you what you wanted

♪ And when it's bad

♪ Feels like I don't know which way I should go ♪

♪ But over time, I come back and remember ♪

♪ The one thing that I know

♪

♪ You're dear to me, and I know ♪

- ♪ Ooh, ooh

♪

♪ Ooh, ooh

- ♪ You're dear to me, and I know ♪

♪ When you feel like it's gone away ♪

♪ You're dear to me, and I know ♪

♪

♪ Always underwater

♪ When the day runs out

♪ Still you stayed throughout ♪

♪ Over time I saw it

♪ Not like all the others

♪ They're a long way down

♪ Back on open ground

- Peanut butter milk shake.

- I'm so, so sorry.

It was not supposed to go down like that.

- Well, I should probably go talk to him.

Where did he go?

- He ran out the side door.

- Okeydokey, wish me luck. - You know what?

Let me take care of this.

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

Yeah, it's better this way.

I'm sure you're the last person

Ben wants to see right now.

- That's true.

- Oh, hold on, hold on.

You're going to need this.

Bro was looking a little misty-eyed.

- Thanks, Dennis.

- Whoa, what'd you call me?

- Dennis. That's your name, right?

- Yeah. Yeah.

- That guy's awesome. - I know.

Wait, I thought your name was Eleanor.

- Ben? You out here?

Hey, man, need a tissue?

- Why would I need-- I'm not crying.

- Oh. Yeah. Of course you're not.

I really liked your song.

Until the end there.

- I'm so stupid.

I just wanted to do something big, you know,

like Ducky in "Pretty in Pink."

And Charley would see how much I like her.

- Yeah, you know, Ducky doesn't end up

with the girl, right?

- He doesn't?

- No. She picks the preppy kid.

- Oh, that's right.

- Why do you think you needed to do something big, anyway?

- Why do you think? To compete with you!

Look at me, and then look at you.

You're amazing.

You know how many hours I've wasted

staring in the mirror trying to smile like you?

So many. I still can't get it down.

- [laughs] - Yes, that one.

Goddamn, that thing's majestic.

How do you do that?

- I think you give me too much credit, Ben.

I-I have insecurities, just like everyone else.

- Oh, okay. Yeah, sure you do.

- No, I'm serious.

Do you know how many shirts I tried on

before I settled on this one?

Seven.

I tried on seven different shirts.

And you know what? I'm still not

entirely convinced I chose the right one.

- I would've gone with, like, a navy.

You know, to match that olive skin tone of yours.

I can't believe I'm the guy at the party that puked and cried.

- Hey, we've all been there.

- Really?

- No. Not at all, man.

Ben...

I'm really sorry that I asked

for Charley's phone number at your wake.

That was cold.

- No, it wasn't.

A nuclear bomb could be falling out of the sky,

about to obliterate all of mankind,

and it'd still be an appropriate time

to ask for Charley's number.

- Yeah.

You know what?

You should ask her to homecoming.

- What? You're not going to?

- No, it's not really my style.

I prefer to go stag to those kinds of things anyway.

How are you feeling?

- Great.

You know, and as soon as the world stops spinning

and I regain my vision, it'll probably be even better.

- All right.

- Beds are the best.

Pillows too.

Well, then you add blankets to the mix.

Ooh! Forget about it.

Sorry I puked on your rug.

- It's okay.

I think Eleanor cleaned up most of it, anyway.

- Can I question you?

Ask you?

Can I question-- ask you...

- Can you ask me a question? Sure.

- Will you go to homecoming with me?

- I mean, I don't really have a say in the matter.

We have to be within 30 feet of each other

at all times, remember?

- Is that a yes?

- Yeah. Yes, that's a yes.

What are you doing?

- I'm so happy right now, I want to dance,

but this is the only part of my body I can move.

I'm just surprised to find out that Luke hadn't asked you.

- Wait, how did you know Luke hadn't asked me?

- Because he told me.

- Ben, why would he tell you that?

Ben?

- How's Ben doing? - He'll live.

I mean, like, you know, he won't live,

'cause he's not living, but, yeah, he'll be fine.

Hey, you really don't need to clean,

I was going to do it in the morning.

- Oh, I don't mind.

Besides, I'm Mason's ride, and I don't think

he's getting up anytime soon.

- Hey, Luke, did you-- did you tell Ben

to ask me to homecoming?

- Just make sure you save a dance for me, okay?

- Okay.

- Uh, where's your broom? - Uh, in the pantry.

- Oh. Sorry.

Can I just get the broom?

Thanks.

You want me to keep this open, or...

I'll just close it.

- ♪ Heavy weight works my mind all night ♪

♪ It's so hard not to ponder

♪ Let's make it last forever

♪ 'Cause the night's still young ♪

♪ It's true, I feel the pressure ♪

♪ Every time you're gone

♪ As long as we're together

♪ This moment lasts forever