Original subtitles

It's gonna drag you back in.

What's he doing here, man?

You don't just escape this life, brother.

Cal, what you doing?

What are you doing, Cal?

Telling random girls you've got 30K worth

of coke in your car.

It's my car now, blood.

You two set me up, man.

You're a dead, man!

And you, bro.

Azaar, I didn't have nothing to do with this.

- No, you're a liar. - Mobeen...

Cuz!

Mobeen, shall I shoot him?

Give me the strap.

Go, go, go, go.

It's staring at me.

Trust me, if they bite you, you get Ebola.

What you on about?

It's a dog, not a wild Congolese bat, Eight, yeah?

And anyway, what are you panicking for?

These things are friendly, look.

Hello, baby boy.

This is not how you turn 16.

How do you wanna celebrate your 16th birthday?

Go on.

A good birthday is being at a Tekashi69 concert,

mosh pitting to "Billy," whilst screaming "Scum Gang."

Who's the 6in9ine Tekashi now?

Mate I have no idea.

But, what happened to the good old days of hip hop, innit?

Fiddy and Tupac.

♪ Only God can judge me now ♪

Yeah.

But why did he turn into Barry White

on certain words and that?

Family.

Enemies. - Enemies.

I guess we're stuck here 'cause we're broke.

Listen, listen, we're not broke, yeah?

This is one of the premier places to be

in Brum on a Friday night.

Oh, wow.

Living the dream.

Yay for me.

Been queuing up for ages, man.

You hate queuing up.

Something ain't adding up.

Well, everything adds up.

Everything adds up.

Is she here?

Huh?

Who's she?

I don't know who she is.

You know who she is, that Welsh hoe.

Don't call her that.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Did I offend you and you're hoe-ass hoe?

Move.

Beg your pardon.

Vernon was keeping our place in the queue.

Now we're back, so move.

Who's Vernon now?

My dog.

Your dog was keeping your place in a queue?

I don't think dogs can legally do that.

You're being very stupid.

Sorry, I'm being stupid?

Just get the fuck out of our way, gob-shite.

♪ Happy birthday to me ♪

Would you please mind having a word with your lovely lady,

if that's all right?

Lisa is a strong and independent woman.

I would never try to control her.

You're scared of her, aren't you?

- Yeah. - Oi!

Listen, yeah?

This is the real world, not a fantasy island

where Vernon the Alsatian has a national insurance number,

works night shifts at Costco,

and keeps places in queues.

So, nah, we ain't going nowhere, tell her.

Leave now.

What you gonna do?

Call the queue police, yeah?

You lot make me sick.

It's too much.

Yeah...

Could you go away?

What, you want me to go?

- You should. - Actually, yeah.

Huh?

Go.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

She's nice.

I ain't scared...

I ain't scared of no...

I ain't scared of nobody, innit?

You better take your dog, Lisa, and go.

Yeah, get me.

Attack, Vernon.

No!

Allah!

He knocked out Vernon.

Whoa.

I'm calling the police.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Look, there's about 15 different phones, yeah,

that recorded you telling your dog to attack us,

so if you don't wanna go to jail for a very long time,

you should probably take Vernon and do one.

Yeah, do one.

This just really upset me.

Is he all right, though?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Get up, Vernon.

You lot are weird.

Happy birthday.

Crazy golf's shit anyway.

Mobeena.

That was going in.

That was the best thing I've ever seen in my life.

No, it wasn't, man.

I feel like one of the bad guys out of John Wick.

Yeah, you are.

Why you so happy about that?

Hello, Aqsa.

Hi, guys.

Oh, hey, Miss Aitken.

You all right?

What have you been up to?

Golf with you lot and one of my teachers.

Brilliant birthday.

Much better than the birthdays I had growing up.

Yeah.

Maybe we see if the headmaster wants to come, too?

Excuse me, young lady.

What's got into you?

I'm gonna go and get a massive sugar rush

off a slush puppy.

Speaking of puppies, yeah.

Do you know Mobeen-

Ah, I love little dogs.

Tiny ones.

Yeah, he would never punch a puppy in the face.

Anyway, how about we get some competition

flowing up in here?

Playing pairs and that, a little two-on-two?

Probably not.

Miss Aitken, yeah?

Great.

Get your own golf bat!

Within a couple of weeks

I'll be Aqsa's official legal guardian,

because I'm smooth like that.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, I know.

It's crazy, innit?

It is crazy.

That a legal professional's gonna make you her guardian.

She adores you, she just might not tell you.

I can see why.

Yeah.

Listen, I'm a real G out here,

so I can't be doing that romance stuff,

you know what I mean?

You?

You're about as gangster as the guy from Eton

who owns this place.

Culture-appropriating bastard.

Oh!

Hey!

So listen, Miss.

What do you say, me and you tomorrow,

another round of cultural appropriation?

Hmm, no?

No.

No, okay.

Yeah, that's fine.

Go for a coffee though.

Yeah?

What about that fancy coffee shop across the road?

The one where all the wankers go?

All the wankers go there, yeah.

Deal.

Yo, listen.

If we're gonna shake on this,

then we trade a family handshake, yeah?

It's legally binding, so just be aware of that.

Bring your hand in, close it, burns,

and a little finger wiggle a lot.

Huh?

Mobeena!

What are you doing, you kuta?

You take that handshake back this instant, Mobeen Deen.

Allah can see what you're doing, you tramp.

Yeah.

Mosque committee is proper strict about this stuff so...

- Sure. - I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?

- See you. - Cool.

What you shouting for, huh?

You're a kuta.

Hey, Nate, hey.

Mobeena.

Can't even spell loyalty.

Can you?

L...

No.

Listen.

Hey, hey, yo, yo, hey.

What's wrong?

I'm not good enough for you.

- Sorry? - Um, guys.

Maybe I should speak in a Welsh accent, boyo.

Sorry?

Maybe we should do a special handshake, boyo.

Okay, yeah, let's do the family handshake

if that stops this.

Come on.

Oh, shut up.

Have a look at this.

Mobeen punching Vernon's gone viral.

Huh?

Vernon!

Oh, yeah!

That is really, really, really not very good.

Do you know what this means?

Yeah, I'm going jail for canine GBH.

That's what it means.

Nah, we're gonna be famous.

Yes!

Oh, my days.

What are you gonna do with all the money?

Being a viral superstar, I could take my pick.

You should get a Rolls-Royce Phantom on 44's.

I want to get a trampoline, yeah,

but it's in the ground, innit,

'cause the other one I get scared that I'll fall off.

But it's made of gold, so...

Trigger, Rodney, Boyce, you're on a Facebook page

with 8,000 followers, yeah.

You're not in the next Avengers.

Not yet, we're not.

All it took was a bit of hypothetical money

for you lot to lose your minds out here.

Listen, when I had all that money,

didn't I hold it down for you lot?

Wish you still had that money.

No, you don't.

Haram money.

Try me.

Mobes is right, we don't need the money.

We've got each other.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

And we're Facebook famous.

Give me that video.

Let me see that clip.

Vernon!

Look at this poor dog.

How do I get this taken down?

Poor dog?

It was going to kill me.

Why do you want it taken down?

It's wicked.

Because, lala, stupid people will see that

on the internet and copycat it.

I think he mean copy-dog it.

It's had another 200 views since we've been stood here.

♪ My left stroke just went viral ♪

♪ It's viral ♪

Stop.

No, no, no, yeah.

Listen, the internet is a fake and dangerous place, yeah?

Back to the real world, please.

Let's go home.

Home, let's go.

Come on.

I'm gonna get this shit taken down.

Hate it when he does his dad voice.

Shall we watch it again?

Yeah.

Oh!

I really need your help, Uncle Shady.

You and your tits had better come in.

Thank you.

Don't you try to break my fucking door again.

I didn't.

I'm sorry.

Virgin muni.

So, what do you reckon?

Can you get rid of this video for me, Uncle Shady?

Like forever.

Definitely.

Oh, thank you.

Vernon!

Vernon!

Vernon!

Can you get rid of it now then?

Don't rush me, bastard.

It's such a good video.

This is the best thing you ever done in your shit life.

Tickle here.

Tickle there.

Tickle everywhere.

It's done.

Oh!

Thank you so much, Uncle Shady.

You're welcome, bastard.

Oh, thank you.

Have you seen this version?

What version?

This one.

Vernon!

Someone's put an ISIS flag in that video.

And the caption says "Death to infidels."

What kind of sicko makes a video like that?

Me.

Can you get rid of that version as well then, please?

I will give this a few more moment.

You've punched a dog in the face.

Wait until Lydia sees this.

She will definitely going to have sex with me.

No.

Have you got any Johnnys?

Vernon!

Yo.

Yo, listen.

Confirmation on a full wankery vibe in here.

Flippin' heck!

I don't think you're in a position

to be judging anyone, Mobeen.

I can say without a doubt that this is unsettling, yeah.

Sorry.

Going viral for punching a dog in the head

is not unsettling for you?

Oh, shit.

It's probably what the dog thought

when it saw your fist heading towards its cranium.

Listen, I feel terrible about what happened to that dog,

but it was gonna eat my little sister.

Oh, come on.

What?

Listen, if Vernon the Alsatian was gonna take a chunk

out of your nan's hip replacement,

you'd just let him get his pedigree chum on, yeah?

Obviously not.

Plus my nan's dead, so.

Wasn't Vernon, was it?

Shut up, you idiot.

No, listen, man, that clip is completely out of context.

If you want the truth of what happened,

come to me, I'll tell you.

And what about the comments, are those the truth?

What comments?

Sha-wa g'won, G.

Who are you?

MC Bromsgrove.

MC Bromsgrove?

Bromsgrove, as in the area of Birmingham

with the most elderly care homes, yeah?

Listen, man, it's hard out there, you know.

I'm sure it's hard for these OAP's.

There's real gangster shit out there in Bromsgrove, yeah.

But if you don't mind, we're having a moment here,

so can you just...

Oh!

Oh, yeah, you're with shortly and that, yeah.

I see you.

Nice.

Yo!

I just wanted to give you my new "Grimy-P," innit.

Why?

Well, you're a hard hitter out here, yeah.

Everyone knows that this week, woof, yeah?

Big man, I don't punch dogs in the head for fun, yeah?

And what's the correlation between that

and you giving me a "Grimy-P," anyway?

Well, I just thought you could share it

with all the other OG's down in the hood, yeah.

Okay, yeah.

We'll listen to it whilst we egg and flour the RSPCA.

See you then, yeah?

That's what the Internet does to people.

Listen, Mobeen, it's not the ridiculous comments.

It's the ones that say,

"Someone better take this clip down

because Mobeen will shoot you in the face."

And what about half the kids in my school saying,

"Mobeen's going to have to stop selling

all the drugs in Small Heath when he gets viral"?

Yeah, but-

Oh, yeah, and this one.

"Mobeen spent time in prison already.

He better get ready for another stretch."

So what, you believe all the things that your kids

write on the internet, yeah?

No, but you're telling me there's no truth

in this whatsoever?

There a little bit of truth.

Partially, a little bit.

Partially?

Yeah, what?

Oh!

Mobeen, I am your sister's teacher.

I need to know what I'm getting myself into here.

Getting yourself into?

I'm not a bear trap.

You're not getting yourself into any...

Yo, my G, I just...

I couldn't resist.

Please just let me spit, like, 16 bars to you man.

My guy, now is not the right time.

We see this one from the prospective of the dog, yeah?

Look, Mobeen, I'm not saying you're a trap.

♪ Time for the revenge on the part of the hound ♪

♪ I'm gonna bite more beats so man can't get found ♪

♪ Or in the gat ♪

♪ Don't be a cat, grat-at-at-at-at ♪

I really like you.

I just, I need to know.

♪ RSPCA, do one ♪

You sound like... ♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom ♪

♪ Nothing can save you bat-at-at-at-at ♪

♪ Reload ♪

Yo!

Shut up, blood!

I...

I'm sorry for shouting.

Listen, there's still plenty you don't know about me, yeah.

Who am I kidding, anyway?

Someone like you doesn't end up

with someone like me, so...

I'm sorry for wasting your time, Miss Aitken.

I'm not saying...

And, yo, Bromsgrove.

Sorry for shouting, yeah.

Yeah?

You keep rhyming out here, all right?

The man's gonna make a whole new album

right out of this moment, yeah.

I'm sure you will, MC Bromsgrove.

Now that he's gone, does that mean you're single, yeah?

Fuck off.

Yeah, okay.

Oh, that was sick!

I didn't know you could throw like that.

I could teach you how to do it.

No, I'm wicked at Kerby.

I'm the division champion.

Yeah, I've found them.

I heard they're gonna put Kerby in the Olympics in 2024.

Where did you hear that from?

It was on the internet, I think.

You should play for Africa as well.

Oh, wow.

I'm gonna do it blindfolded.

Eight, run.

Where have you been?

Yo, listen, I've got something to show you.

Have a look at this.

It's gone.

The video has gone from everywhere.

Yes, I know, I had it taken down.

How are we supposed to monetize it now?

"Monetize"?

Yeah.

I was speaking to this guy about selling merchandise.

He had said he could get you on "Loose Women."

Have you lost your mind, kid?

You always said you wanted to meet Gloria Hunniford.

But not like this.

We could have played this right and had money.

Lots of money.

I'm sick of this.

I've had enough of the internet.

I'm not three years old.

I can reach it.

Can you calm down, you little psychopath.

Sit down.

No.

Sit down, please.

Thank you.

Listen.

What's with you and money, money, money all the time?

Well, in case you haven't noticed,

we haven't got any, have we?

Have you got a roof over your head?

Yes.

Do we eat three meals a day?

Yes.

Do we have heating when it's cold?

Well, you always tell me to turn it off.

All right, don't answer me back.

Listen, you're right.

No, we haven't got loads of money.

What I'm saying is we've got a lot more than most, Aqsa,

so be grateful.

Listen, as long as I've got you,

I am more than happy with this life.

Do you understand?

Just me and you?

Not her?

Just me and you.

Ah...

And Eight and Nate as well.

Obviously.

I forgot I got one more birthday present for you.

I hope you like it.

This better not be another Groupon voucher

for salsa dancing.

So this means...

Yeah, I'm your legal guardian.

Come here.

Come here, you.

I love you, kid.

How we gonna celebrate?

Let's get the heating on.

Yo, Eight, man, come on.

Hey, can you stop banging the door, please?

Hey, I'm at the door...

Got a knife.

Mother--

Whoa.

Speak, you little fag.

Tell him what Azaar said.

Mobeen, he said next time it'll be Aks.

See you around, Mobeen.

See you around, sweetheart.

Aqsa, don't.

Don't come out.

Mobes.

Mobes, don't.

Don't.

They all come back in the end.

Now go and take care of your business.