Original subtitles

First, I'm going to cut you.

Then, I'm going to burn you.

Reebar, can you stop bringing

the drama all the time, please?

Forget burning my ear hair,

just finish my fade, please.

Thank you brother.

Yes, yes Mobeen, yes.

You know, you and your blades?

You're worse than the kids cheffing

each other 'round here all the time.

You sure that I'm not making some

Michelin star food now or something?

Cheffing means stabbing each other, innit?

To be honest with you,

I think most of the kids in the Small Heath,

they are lunatic weirdos anyway.

Um, excuse me Reebar,

not every kid in Small Heath is a lunatic or a weirdo.

Woo!

What's happenin', my people?

Oh.

Woo!

It looks lit in here!

Some of them are both.

Some like Ridwan.

So Aqsa, are you going to prom

on Thursday for a little floss thing, yeah?

No she's not!

The only thing gettin' flossed on Thursday,

is gonna be you between my teeth, lookaman, all right?

I wish Mobeen was my big brother.

No you don't, mate.

Get out of this bloody shithole now.

This is gonna stop!

Hey, what's happenin' here?

This (indistinct) keeps talking

the bullshit about me on Instagram.

I don't know what you're talking about, man.

Oh, really?

Then who posted this picture of me with the caption,

"Come down to Emre's if you want

fungus shite infection in your asshole."

Heh?

Fungus shite...

infection in the asshole?

Why are people gettin' fungus shite

infections in their assholes at your barber's anyway?

Unless of course you're wet shavin' people's assholes?

No I am bloody well not.

Well, I heard that you do.

I am not doing this!

But people believe it's true!

Like you right now, Mobeen.

Nah, I don't believe it.

I don't believe it's true, no.

I don't. - Look, this started

because you said you was the number one

skin fader in the whole of Small Heath.

Yeah, that's true,

I'm the best barber in Small Heath!

Fuck you, (indistinct),

I am the number one barber in the Small Heath.

No I am the number one in the whole!

I am number one!

You come after me!

I am the number one in the whole wide world!

The whole wide world,

what the hell does that mean?

I am the best skin fader! - I am the best!

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

- Get outside. - Let's go.

Come!

- Hajde! - Hajde, come!

- Number one. - I'm the best skin fader

in the Heath! - I am the number one!

- The whole of England. - I am the number one.

Bloody hell, could somebody just finish my haircut please?

Don't you ever disrespect me

in front of my customers again,

you hear me?

- Shut up! - You shut up!

I said first.

You shut up!

- Satkin. - I said first!

- I said first! - Satkin.

You didn't say it!

Sakin.

My brothers, hey.

You men are brothers of the same hustle.

You shouldn't be fightin' on this.

Put these blades down.

Okay.

Okay now, Mr. Mobeen.

Who do you think does the best

skin fade in Small Heath, heh?

Honestly?

Uh huh, hajde.

Probably Abdee's Blade Effects down the road, I would say.

Probably.

- Abdee's? - Us!

Listen here, I only came here

because he's being banged up for VAT fraud,

on important funny hair wax from Mogadishu.

You heard about that, innit?

Listen to me, look at me.

Lads.

You know what the real travesty here is?

That the inmates at HMPO gonna get such high quality fades,

and I'm out here stuck with you two.

So...

But, Abdee's?

Saddam Hussein's barber's is better than Abdee's!

Yeah, that's true.

Shame on you!

Anyway, you post one more picture about me...

And I'll skin fade your bloody face Reebar, okay?

And I will shave your mother's pussy!

- Oh! - Yes!

Yo, slice him up nicely, Emre.

Get back in the shop young man.

Ain't nobody gettin' sliced out here,

this not a butcher's.

- Calmly. - Everybody!

Shut the fuck up and put ya hands in the air!

Come on then. - Hey, whoa whoa whoa, hey!

Calm down.

Syeda, is that you?

Oh my gosh, you and your brother joined the Feds?

But your mum's well proud of you, isn't she?

That's it, all right.

Her mum's not really talkin' to her at the minute.

Harps, where is Satch?

You give him the day off from brown-on-brown racism, yeah?

He's been suspended.

Discharged his firearm without reasonable grounds.

He shot a man, Sutton Dobyellis.

You know that fella, Sutton Dobyellis,

he wasn't brown by any chance, was he?

He was, yeah.

Knew it, knew it.

What's goin' on here, boys?

They were clearly holdin' weapons,

fully weaponized!

As I think you'll find, Syeda,

they are simply carryin' the tools of their trade.

You're a tool of your trade.

That's a good distance.

Yes, they're carryin' blades,

because they're barbers.

If they were bakers they'd be carryin' baguettes,

and if they were excitable brown policewomen,

they'd be carryin' a massive bag of hate for their

own people. - Right, that's it,

you're nicked.

I'm nicked, what for?

You're a dickhead, that's why.

You can't nick him for that, all right?

Nick these two instead.

Huh?

All right, you two, come here.

- Nah, nah, nah, Harps. - Come here, for what?

- Against the glass. - What have we done?

- Against the glass. - I'm innocent, man.

You know what,

fantastic bit of community policin' again, Harper.

There's a 12-year-old in intensive care.

He's stabbed by one of his own classmates,

so there's zero tolerance on knives.

But who's gonna run their shops,

they're barbers.

We're just barbers, man.

You know what, Mobeen?

You wanna do something productive?

Spend a little less time worryin' about your hair,

and a bit more time worryin' about

why the kids in this area keep shanking each other.

Come on.

Don't forget to shut the shop.

Mobeen, you are (indistinct).

Ah, you the man, Mobeen.

- You idiot. - You got a patch

on your head.

You got a patch on your head!

Haha.

Take your big ass feet home.

Why your feet so big?

Whoa, little man.

What are you doing?

You got all the barbers locked up, Mobeen.

No one can't even get a fade anymore.

My girl dumped me because of you.

I'm sorry boys.

Come here, come here.

Come here a sec.

I'm sorry, yeah?

But I'm pretty sure your girl dumped you

'cause she finally noticed your face.

Now do one, go on.

You're butters.

Guess what?

You're butters.

Boys.

You're butters.

Heya, guys.

What are you doin'?

Why are you washing Azaar's car?

'Cause he said if I do a good job,

then he'll pay me when he comes back from holiday.

No.

Put the sponge down.

No.

Aslan (indistinct).

Put the sponge down, Aslan! - No, no, no!

No, no, stop, stop, stop, all right,

.

What, what, what?

All right, (indistinct).

You better stop cleanin' that car.

So, are you gonna let Aks go to her prom, or...

No, Nathaniel, she's not allowed to go to her prom, eh?

Remember how booky our prom was, heh?

All we did all night was kiss girls.

Lips Gallagher.

Lots and lots of ladies.

So many women.

You didn't kiss any girls, innit?

No.

'Member that girl I kissed?

Our 73-year-old school nurse?

Still a girl.

Still a kiss.

Yeah, you needed a wet paper towel after that, innit?

Mobeen?

Turn around.

What happened to your hair?

Lowe me, man.

Look like a half trim hedge out here.

I think we should allow Aks to go to her prom.

You know what, nah, yeah,

maybe we should.

Maybe we should let her smoke crack,

and cycle into oncoming traffic as well,

how 'bout that?

You're so dramatic.

I should've shagged that school nurse.

That is unacceptable.

Yeah.

Aks, I said no.

- Yeah. - No.

Yeah.

No.

- Yeah! - Oi, ya.

Give me one good reason why I can't go.

One good rea-

I'mma give you the reason, yeah?

'Cause when I went to my prom, yeah?

18 out the 22 girls that attended got pregnant that night.

Here we go.

Do you know what that is as a percentage?

♪ Or drop that foolish pride ♪

It's a lotta percent, all right?

Can't we have a civilized discussion?

Sister to brother, girl to guardian.

Sorry, girl to what?

Guardian.

You're my legal guardian.

Yes I am.

Yes I am your legal guardian,

let's have that conversation.

Now go on.

You went to your prom.

Yeah, that was completely different, yeah?

I didn't go to bump and grind with a girl there, yeah?

Because you went to sell drugs.

No, I didn't go to sell drugs,

no I didn't.

I'm nearly 16 now.

I don't need to be wrapped in cotton wool anymore.

Listen, you.

I've got a lifetime supply worth

of cotton wool to wrap you up in, yeah?

Come here.

- Really? - Come.

Sit down.

Hm?

I'm sorry.

You know, I've always appreciated

all the sacrifices you've made for me.

You've been a mum and a dad,

and a big brother,

all rolled into one.

If this is about my weight,

I don't appreciate that, Aqsa.

I'm serious, Mobeen.

This is somethin' special.

Somethin' I wanna be a part of.

Everyone else is goin'.

So...

Can I go?

Let me think about it, yeah?

Let me think about it.

Main ingredient is essentially

that of the beaver anus.

Huh?

So...

Want to use because of it's...

Can I have more than a minute to decide, please,

thank you?

My bad.

Very tasty fragrance about it, I suppose.

And...

So...

When placed in the milkshake,

it's actually-

Any funny business, yeah,

I'm gonna homeschool you from now on.

Thanks Mobeen!

I'll never forget this.

All right, go on,

on ya go.

Sucker.

Heh?

Heh?

Yeah, you better get going.

Cut down on carbs and everything.

You know, you don't have to let a dress define you,

you know.

You're strong and you're intelligent and you're funny.

You're gonna look beautiful no matter what you wear,

you know.

I love you.

What do you think?

Hm?

Hm?

Mobeen?

The dress?

Oh my god, you look so elegant, man.

Ha, you got proper dope taste, you have.

Obviously, I take after you.

Yeah, don't know about that baby girl.

Let's look at this.

Yeah, we can't wear that.

Why not?

Because it's made in Bangladesh, that's hwy.

What's that gotta do with anythin'?

What's that gotta,

I'mma tell you what that's got to do with it, yeah?

That dress is a direct result of child labor.

That's bad.

Imagine you off at your prom enjoying yourself

with your friends and that, yeah?

Imagine the 32 little kids that are over in Bangladesh

sewin' in them sequins by hand.

Bless 'em, they've only got one

fish finger to share between them for dinner.

Really bad, that.

Don't worry, look.

There's loads of lovely dresses, yeah?

Look, look, look, look, look.

Thi-

No, not that one.

What about...

This is the one.

Yeah, look at this,

look at this, look, look, look.

Still made by kids in South Asia,

but they get lunch breaks and eat

as many fish fingers as they like,

do you know what I mean?

Proper ethical, and that.

Yeah?

We all about the ethics baby girl, come on.

That's it.

Think about the poor little kiddies,

sewin' and sewin'.

This is a big problem.

Who's sayin' it's a big problem, heh?

You keep tellin' me I'm the one responsible

for the Small Heath fade drought.

Show me one person that said that.

Go on.

I said it.

Look, 'cause of you I got patches in my hair.

Look.

No Lala, you...

You got patches because you got alopecia.

Oh yeah.

Were they Muslim?

Hm?

The guy who invited it.

Were they Muslim?

It sound like a Muslim, ale-pesha.

Yes, he defeated the Crusaders

through stress-induced hair loss.

That's what happened there.

You know, look, Mobs,

this is serious.

People are refusing to leave their houses.

I seen this one dude walkin'

around with a hijab on his head.

That is not a dude.

That's Bushra.

Mobeen, I got a wicked idea

to get ya out of trouble with Aks.

What's that, go on.

I still got Azaar's car keys, innit?

What if Aqsa went to prom in that car, yeah?

That'd be sick.

No, we're not using Azaar's car.

Why?

Because he'll kill you, that's why.

But he's on holiday, isn't he?

- It would be sick, though. - It would be sick.

Mobeen, leave it to me,

she'll arrive in proper style, innit?

Even if her dress is shit.

Who said the dress was shit?

The dress is not shit.

Yo, yo, yo,

you men talkin' 'bout the prom, yeah?

My God, Bigfoot's here.

Look like size 16,

I didn't think they made 'em that big, ya know.

Heya, what want Ridwan?

I just want you to know, I'm ready.

- Ready for what? - What?

For prom tonight.

Okay, yeah.

Good luck.

Moneeb said on Insta he's gonna dip me up, so...

Obviously... - What's he-

I've gotta dip him up first.

I think you'll like this, Mobeen.

This what you would've done.

Oi!

Give me that!

Hey, hey, hey.

Ridiculous behavior, Ridwan.

What's wrong with you, man?

You get rid of the ting, yeah?

Yeah.

No more blades, do you understand?

Go home.

Not movin' like that.

He ain't gonna see 16.

Mobeen, you need to make sure

you keep an eye on him tonight.

You're right, you know.

I need to go to prom.

Look!

Ta-da!

Yeah.

Oh yeah.

You know what time it is?

Prom, prom, prom, prom, prom.

Shut up, it's my prom.

Okay, moody.

After you, madam.

- Three. - Two, one.

La boom le party.

La boom le-

Where is everyone?

They must've heard about the pregnancy statistics.

Come on, let's get this party started bastards.

Shady?

With the bang bang sauce on the boom boom.

Smile in this one.

Yeah, go on.

That's well nice,

you can put this on your Tinder.

Look, see, it's nice. - Okay.

Take one of me, a nice one.

You could put this on your Grindr.

What's that?

I thought you said he was in Spain.

He said he went to Ashby de la Zouch.

Ashby de la Zouch is in bloody Leicestershire.

Nate, Leicestershire's not in Spain.

Yo, who said you can take my car, bruv?

You're on holiday.

He just gets a bit confused sometimes,

I let it catch me, bro.

No I don't.

Do I?

Think ya need to come and have a word, you know, eh?

No, no, no, no.

No, no.

Oi!

No one likes to hear the words cavity search.

Yes.

Evening ladies.

Evening.

Hold on boys, you're looking very matchy-matchy.

Hit the sale on at Sports Direct?

Actually my grandma got this from Pakistan.

Shut up Aslan.

Little birdie's told me there's gonna be a spot, a stain,

and a steel trouble here tonight.

Is it her?

What?

The little birdie, is it her?

She looks like Red from "Angry Birds".

Piss off!

We better get these girls to their prom.

Come on girls.

Oi, keys?

You're lucky, bruv.

Go.

Off you go, ladies.

I catch you in a playground again Azaar,

I'll have you on a list.

Shady, what are you doin' here?

I'm the disc jokey.

Ho, ho, oh,

let's be careful how we pronounce that, okay, yeah?

Piss off, Mobeen.

You are ruining my vibes.

Okay.

Come on, let's get this party started bastards.

It absolutely stinks of teenager in here.

For real, I don't know how you put up with this.

There's only like six of 'em in here

and it smells like wet feet and rabbit hutches.

That is an outstandin' description of what it smells like.

Well, ya know how I do, so.

Miss Aitken, can I just say,

this prom you've put together-

Is shit?

It's really shit.

Really shit.

On the plus side, no one here's pregnant.

It's only 7:30.

You heard about the statistics, innit?

Shout out to everyone who are

getting their (indistinct) on tonight.

Oh hey, baby girl.

Kid over there says if he doesn't

get a fade in the next 24 hours,

he's joining ISIS.

Yeah, not even they'll let him

in with a haircut like that.

Ello, Aqsa.

Evenin', miss.

Has Mobeen told you about how he was

talkin' about the other night in his sleep?

Ha!

Absolutely not.

That wasn't me though, was it?

You're a blagger, go away.

She's actually not a blagger,

please continue, Aqsa.

It was somethin' like...

Ooh, I'mma tell you this straight up, yeah?

You're fire-aching,

from the inside and the outside.

Aheh, ooh.

Why?

Thought you might also want these mints.

His breath gets a bit...

On TV they were sayin'...

Teaching's really hard, is it hard?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

You'd never pass your GCSEs.

No.

Not without any private tutorin' from me, anyway.

Okay.

Hello, Ridwan.

Car, car.

Should probably sort him out, yeah?

Ho, ho, Mobeen and his teeths are leaving now.

He's a virgin you know.

Walk on, Ridwan!

Fuck.

If you are flapping off a loud voice,

you shouldn't be carrying around

a blade from "The Walking Dead", should ya?

Are you wearin' the same clothes as me?

No.

Your gums are shit.

All right, Mobeen wanna Jr.

Listen, I know why you're here,

and I ain't tryna hear it.

Everyone at school, on road, on WhatsApp,

is sayin' Moneeb's gonna dip me,

so I'm just gonna dip him up first, innit?

Every CCTV from Ends to here

has seen you carryin' that sword.

If you do this, your life is finished.

There's a 12-year-old in intensive care

because somebody shanked him last week.

Is that the life you want?

I don't care.

Ridwan, I know you're scared.

But do ya know what?

Moneeb is scared too.

So what am I supposed to do

when someone steps to me with a blade?

By the time you and Moneeb

are pulling out blades on each other,

it's already too late.

So, is this the Disney ending where

I hand you over the blade and learn a life lesson, yeah?

- Ridwan, I didn't say that. - Well fuck you, Mobeen!

You're not the one gettin' stabbed out here.

Sorry, big man.

I better leave you to handle your business then, yeah?

Behave yourself, Ridwan!

If you ever step near a blade in your life again,

forget who you think you've got beef with,

you'll have me to deal with.

Is that understood?

Yeah, sit down, sit down, sit down.

Ridwan listen, I've made a lot of mistakes in my life.

Bein' on road is one of the biggest ones I've ever made.

Budge up, come on, budge up.

Why do you wanna be like me?

You can be 1,000 times the man that I am.

You should be showin' me the person I should've become.

I'll be keepin' a eye out on you, you know that?

Will you?

Yeah.

As long as you stay legit,

I'll make sure nobody messes with you.

Okay?

Yeah.

Most importantly, need to get your own swag.

Robin didn't wear the same clothes as Batman, did he?

Come on, what do you say?

Get in there, enjoy the rest of your prom.

Heh?

- Yeah. - Go on.

And Ridwan?

Don't be tryin' to dance with my sister in there, all right?

Yeah.

Naruto.

Evening, Mobeen.

Oh shit.

Anything you wanna tell me?

Yeah, you were right earlier on, man.

That's why I confiscate this off

a kid who was about to use it.

Here you go.

Freeze it, taser, taser!

Sword!

Syeda, whoa whoa whoa, what the fuckin', whoa!

Chill man. - Sword!

No, yes, yes,

put it down, down.

He wasn't gonna stab me with it,

he wasn't givin' it me.

Really?

Yes, really.

Are you definitely sure?

Yeah, deffo.

What are we gonna do?

I'll tell ya what we're not gonna do.

Paperwork.

You grab the barbs out of him.

Yeah he's still breathin'.

Just leave him here'll do, one.

You know, you're just like your brother.

Aw, thanks sir.

Wasn't a compliment.

Oh.

Mobeen is chattin'.

I've been here for an hour and I'm not even pregnant yet.

I feel like I'm 16 again.

This is so magical.

The best prom dress

for tonight is (indistinct).

Baby girl, 18 out of 22.

This guy.

Can someone get the school nurse please?

- Aw. - Ho, ho, ho.

Ho, ho, turn up.

Hold tight, here we go.