Original subtitles

Where's he gone, man? Eight!

What if he's fallen in the canal?

Well, if he has, then he's dead.

Your app don't even work.

Your app don't work. Have you lot seen Eight?

It's a bit further down here.

No, yeah, he's lost again.

- Turn left. - No, it's this way.

The app is on, but we still can't find him.

Turn left.

In five meters, turn left.

Eight!

I thought you said you loved nature.

I do love nature when it's on television

and David Attenborough's presenting it.

I hate nature in real life.

It smells like shit around here.

Plants and-

plants and that.

- Oh. - It's so long.

I think I swallowed a mosquito.

Yeah? You all right though?

Yeah. Where is he, man?

He's got to be here somewhere.

Turn left.

Well, he's not gonna be far, is he?

He never leaves Small Heath, 'cause.

"I can only poo in my own house."

You have reached your destination.

He's an odd fellow, mate.

That's what Miss Peters used to say at school.

"You are an odd fellow, Arslan."

You don't wanna go in there.

Don't!

Oh, where have you been?

- You know him? - Yes, we know him,

he belongs to us, yeah. - This is our shed!

This?

You bring it from home, did you?

He kicked us out.

Life's full of disappointments, innit?

Yeah. Well, move on, blud, move!

What's McFly staring at there?

What are you gonna do,

burn a man with your hair straighteners?

Go away!

What are you doing in here, Bear Grylls?

You're not drinking your own piss again, are you?

My grandad's dying.

What?

From cancer.

Oh, that's so sad, man.

Gutted for you, guy, famo.

Do you know what stage it is?

Yeah?

Seven.

I think there's only four stages, mate.

Yeah, mate, it's cancer, not "Tetris,"

you've gone about three extra stages...

Stages, there.

Oh, stage seven, oh, shit.

Yeah, stage seven.

That's sad, man.

Wait, wait, please tell me it's your grandad in Pakistan

and not Dadha Hussein.

It's Dadha Hussein.

Oh, man, he was the best one.

Nobody would've cared if it was your grandad in Pakistan.

Remember when he used to throw bricks at our shins

in the summer holidays?

Proper hurt, innit?

Yeah, he used to play a lot of cricket, innit,

so he's got a good aim.

Remember what he used to call me?

Africa!

That's fully racist, innit?

Can't call someone a whole continent,

'cause of their skin color, innit?

Proper knobhead, your Pakistan grandad.

Proper wish he had cancer.

Instead of Dadha Hussein, like if there was a choice

in who the cancer fairy visited.

Cancer fairy, yeah, hm?

I'm sorry.

Well, it is Dadha Hussein, the grandad that I love.

And he's not gonna be with us in four weeks.

Hey, listen, hey, hey.

Don't cry, man.

Anyway, he, he said he wants to see you two, innit,

'cause he needs some help with summat,

so come round the house later.

It's not helping him wash his tete, is it?

'Cause I'm not comfortable with that.

No, it's not helping him wash his tete.

Actually, it might be that, I don't know,

but just, just come, innit?

Listen, also, yeah, I just wanna put this out there,

I'm not doing a euthanasia on him, man.

I don't wanna do a euthanasia on anybody.

Strictly speaking, shouldn't it be called euthanasian?

I was just trying to lighten the mood.

Euthanasian?

Did it work the first time?

Sorry.

Is he...

What?

Eh?

Ah!

Bloody hell!

Look at you.

Here you are, my good boy.

Yeah, Dadha, I'm here.

Not you, I was talking to Mobeen.

Oh, all right, yeah.

You know, you've always been the grandson I never had.

How are you, Dadha, are you okay?

I have been better,

but this life is very brief, you know.

Yeah.

And it's a test from Allah.

I'm not worried anymore.

You're so brave, really.

No, I'm shitting my chuddies.

Nobody wants to be bloody dying.

Come closer, baja, I want to tell you a story.

When I was 17 and living in Pakistan, me and my mother,

we would have this conversation every day.

"You need to get married."

"I don't want to get married."

"You need to get married." "I don't want to get married."

"You need to get married." "I don't want to get married."

Okay, Dadha, that's enough of that, yeah?

You didn't want to get married, it's all right.

No, wait, but did you get married, then, Dadha?

Chhutkara!

So then I got married.

So you got married just to shut your mum up?

No, but he married my daadi

and they lived happily ever after.

You proper hated his daadi, innit?

It's like you lot hate the Conservatives.

That's deep.

I was trapped, but then I got a chance

to come to the United Kingdoms

and to escape from the mental prison that I was in.

Najia didn't get a visa.

It was the 1970s.

I knew immediately this was a place of opportunity,

a place of opportunity where skinheads would put dog shit

through your letterbox.

Make Britain great again, eh?

Good times, they were, good times.

So I opened the first video shop in the neighborhood

and made a fortune.

You were like the Small Heath Steve Jobs, weren't you?

He got cancer as well,

so that's like another thing you've got in common.

Chhutkara.

The shop got so busy that people would come and say to me,

"You need help in the shop."

"I don't need help in the shop."

"You need help in the shop."

"I don't need help in the shop."

"You need help in the shop."

"I don't need help in the shop."

"You need help in the shop."

"I don't need help in the shop."

"You need help in the shop." - Moz.

"I don't need help in the shop."

You didn't need help in the shop.

No, but then, did you get help in the shop, then?

Chhutkara!

So then I got an assistant,

and to cut a long story short.

Please do.

We fell in love

and we got married and we have been man and wife ever since.

What?

So, you got with two wives?

OG, triple OG, getting it in, Dadha, ta, ta!

Wild!

Then, things got complicated when Najia came over here.

Yeah.

It was very, very hard.

Hm!

Sorry.

Hard though, innit?

I could have done things better,

but I'm dying now.

I need your help, Mobeen.

Najia won't let me see my Jamila.

What?

Najia has gone too far.

She's locked all the doors and she's started scaring me.

I love my daadi, she would never do that.

Chhutkara!

You know, the other day, I tried to get out of bed.

And she said, "You can't get out of the bed!"

"I want to get out of bed." "You can't get out of the bed!"

"I want to get out of bed." "You can't get out of the bed!"

- No. - "I want to get out of bed."

She attacked me with a stick.

And then she threatened to cut off my cucumber!

Oh, that's her down there.

She's nailing the window shut with the same hammer

that she'll come and kill us all with in a minute!

I think you're getting a bit carried away.

Chhutkara!

If the cancer doesn't kill me,

the crazy madwoman with the stick will kill me.

I need to see my Jamila at the video shop.

Please promise me you'll help me!

Mobeen, promise me you'll help me!

Mobeen, promise me.

Okay, shall we go?

Shh!

Oh!

That's her, that's the psycho.

Daadi?

Have you been mis-sold a PPI?

Oh, it's you, man. Yeah, how's it going?

Shh!

How did that door slam?

I had to open a window,

it smelled like someone was dying in there.

Sorry.

What's the worst that can happen,

if Daadi catches us, anyways?

She'll chop your cucumbers off.

I need my cucumber!

Why does everyone keep talking about salad?

Oofs!

Be careful!

She'll chop it to a nub if she catches you.

Bloody hell. It's okay, lads, I think she's gone out.

Yeah.

Come on.

Oh, God, no! Come on!

- Ah! - Run!

- Ah! - Daadi!

Oh, my gosh!

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Have you ever seen ♪

♪ A man not afraid to die ♪

♪ Gave his life for a dream ♪

♪ Born hustler, so the game conceived ♪

♪ A caged beast and now I'm free ♪

Ah, my little gold mine.

The old business, so many happy times.

Me and my Jamila.

She was a very naughty girl.

You know, she was very hot.

Okay, Bigamy Smalls, can you just get this door open?

It's cold out here.

Is that the PPI man again? Gimme that, Eight.

Tell him not to call me anymore.

I will.

Yes.

We don't need no PPI claims, thank you very much, yeah.

Why don't you stop calling, and while you're at it,

gently insert your phone up your anus.

Mobeen?

Sorry, Eight's daadi.

I wasn't talking to you.

Yeah, I know we left with him this morning and that,

but we haven't seen him since.

I said to him, "Unless you become the Terminator,

and go back to the future and rewind that tape,

you're gonna have to pay 50p.

You have to wind it back.

He knows that, though.

Yeah, it does sound a bit like him, that, yeah.

Look, Daadi, man, he made us promise

that we wouldn't tell you what's going on, innit.

Marrying Jamila was the happiest day of my life.

Is he still going on about Jamila?

You know about Jamila?

Of course I know about her.

But she's been gone sometime now.

What do you mean, gone?

She disappeared 10 years ago.

So what happened, then?

Nobody was ever really sure.

They went away together and she never came back.

Oh, shit. Sorry, not shit.

Yesterday, he spent one hour

telling me that he wanted Judge Rinder

to witness the signing of his will.

He's not a well man.

Just leave it with me, yeah?

Sorry, Daadi.

Maybe you just learn some Hindi,

learn to just, er, dance around a tree,

bush shakes, move around a bit and before you know it,

you could a big Bollywood star, you know.

You all right, boys, yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah, they won't bother you again.

Thanks, man.

You all right?

Yeah, I'm all right, man, I'm all right.

So, Dadha, you've been in touch with Jamila, yeah?

What?

Yeah, the love of your life, she on her way?

All in good time, Mobeen.

Where does she live? Is she local, or what?

So many questions from my favorite grandson.

I'm your grandson.

Seriously, where is Jamila?

Listen, guys, I need to tell you a story.

Oh, bloody hell.

Look, I've got to go for a haircut next Tuesday,

can we get a move on, please?

It's about Jamila.

Go on.

Jamila is gone.

She

disappeared 10 years ago.

Why are we here, then?

There's something here I need to deal with,

something I need to dispose of before I die.

I've not told anyone about this.

You mustn't judge me.

I told you, man, I told you, man.

He's a Jamila killer, I told you.

I fell down these stairs when I was six years old.

Proper banged my head.

Yeah, no shit.

In there.

Please remember, all men make decisions they regret

at some point in their life.

I know this is shocking, but...

Ah!

Porn!

Yes, thank you!

This is nothing to celebrate, guys.

It is when we thought your dead ex-wife

was in there, mate, bloody hell.

"Misadventures In Megaboob Manor." Dadha, what is this?

I had no choice.

With two families, I had to make ends meet.

You were making ends meet all right, hm.

Wait, so you sold this stuff?

Most of the money I made

was from the under-the-counter titles.

Dadha,

you're a pervert and I like it.

You know, it was a perfect system.

But if your daadi or someone else found out,

it would have brought a great shame on our family.

Shame, yeah, so you're saying

you never consumed any of this yourself?

No, never.

I may have seen "Ferris Boner's Day Off" once or twice,

you know, just for the research purposes.

I knew it!

Hold on a minute, hold on a minute, seriously.

This is all well and good, but where's Jamila?

I killed her.

What?

I'm just kidding, come on.

Ha-ha! It's a funny joke.

Really funny joke, Dadha.

Jamila, she went off with a younger man.

Our marriage had run its course.

I thought you said she was the love of your life?

I had to tell you something.

I mean, would you have smuggled out a dying man

from his house just to dispose of this?

I mean, probably, yeah.

I would have, yeah.

We've got bare time on our hands.

Okay, all right.

Does this mean you do love Daadi?

No.

She's not a psycho, but she's still after her inheritance.

Oh, right.

Have you decided what you're gonna do

with the rest of the inheritance?

Yeah, I do have something in mind.

Yeah?

Something that's quite close my heart.

Yeah?

Netball in Ladies' Prisons.

What's that?

It's a charity that provides netball equipment

for lady prisoners.

Look, can we just get on with the job we came here to do

and get rid of this porn?

No, no, real talk, yeah, this is immoral, misogynistic,

and most importantly, on a format we can't use anyway,

so, let's dash, innit?

This just seems so wrong.

What, porn, yeah?

No, getting rid of it.

A lot of very professional people worked hard

to bring us this material.

They worked very hard, innit?

Let's just get rid of it, huh?

Did you hear that, huh?

It's nothing, man.

I thought I heard something, but argh!

Daadi?

What are you doing with all this filth?

Yes!

What are you doing with this filth!

What? No, Daadi, it wasn't!

All I wanted to do was to come here one last time,

and you violate my life's work with this?

My own grandson bringing this filthy muck

into Hussein Videos!

You are not my favorite grandson.

You're not even my favorite pervert!

Oh.

And that's why Judge Rinder is a genius.

He's all right.

Dadha, remember what we were talking about earlier?

Eight took the blame for you. He got battered for you.

Is there something you'd like to say to him?

Yeah, there is.

Why don't you stand up for yourself?

What?

Don't worry, he's gonna die soon anyways.

What?

Sorry, just trying to lighten the mood.

So what happened to those boxes, in the end?

I don't know, Eight dumped them somewhere.

What is it?

They're broken.

I know what this is, it's old school porn.

Yes!

♪ Down, get into the frown ♪

♪ You see a face in the window, space in the town ♪

♪ I'm cleaning up, finish the tea in your cup ♪

♪ Pick up your bags and your jaw from the floor ♪

♪ What's up, I counted one, two, three, four ♪

♪ Yeah, five is the money against the door ♪

♪ I'm like so, the party's a go ♪

♪ Everybody get their mother-loving feet on the floor ♪

♪ I'm searching for a love that's higher ♪

♪ I'm settling for absolutely no one ♪