Original subtitles

I can't even see 'em.

Nah, I can't do it.

That's gonna hurt.

Here we go.

Mobeen!

Oi!

What are you doing home from school so early?

If you bothered to check your phone, you'd know.

What are you chatting on about, sis?

I ain't had no calls or text messages...

Oh, I'm sorry, Aks.

I had my phone on silent.

I've been suspended.

What for?

These two Year 11 girls were bullying a Year 8 girl,

and I weren't having it.

Okay, and what did you do?

I knocked one out,

and the other one went and grassed me up.

My...

Aren't you angry?

No.

Aren't you going to tell me off?

No, I hate bullies.

I'm proud of you, kiddo.

I'll come in and tell your year head on Monday what I think.

It's the start of my GCSE courses,

I've been suspended for fighting,

and I'm going to miss vital revision classes,

all because I couldn't control my temper.

Couldn't control your temper?

I couldn't control my temper!

And you don't think that maybe you should be

explaining how I might have made the wrong decision today?

I mean, when you put it like that,

yeah, I can see some negatives.

Why...

You always walking off on me for, man?

Acting like you're the boss.

I'm the boss of this house.

What did you say?

No, no, nothing.

I didn't say nothing to you.

♪ I play like hip-hop music ♪

♪ You like it 'cause you choose it ♪

♪ Most DJs don't refuse it ♪

♪ There aint nothin' like hip-hop music ♪

♪ You like it 'cause you choose it ♪

♪ Most DJs won't refuse it ♪

♪ There aint nothin' like hip-hop music ♪

Hey, freeze, you bloody paindu,

before I shoot you in the man milks.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Right.

You know I've got gynecomastia, it's a medical condition.

What's wrong with you?

All right, calm down.

No need to get your man boobs all in a twist.

I've got to go, I've got to go.

Hey, hey, come here, come here.

Relax.

I'm just telling your Uncle Shady what a good boy you are.

Hey, you remember when you helped my Ibrahim out

with his maths GCSE?

When I gave him MDMA an hour before he sat the exam?

And he got an MDM-A star.

How's Aqsa?

Well, listen, man, at the moment, hard work.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong, man,

but it's just not working.

Maybe she needs her mum, I don't know, man.

And you can't help, even with your ample bosom?

Listen, young man, you need to take

a leaf out of my Ibrahim's book.

He added a female perspective to his life and got married.

Hey, arranged by the family.

Best thing he ever did.

Listen, Uncle Habib, yeah, with all due respect, yeah,

I ain't taking your advice on women.

You're still banned from the swimming pool.

That case is still pending.

You can't be a mother to her.

Not even with those breasticles.

Listen.

One more joke and I'm gonna send you a picture

of these on WhatsApp later.

I won't send it to you.

But I'll send it to you!

Oi, listen, calm down.

You used to be a bad man round these parts.

You've turned things around.

Well, yeah.

Bad man?

Bloody scum.

Oh, come on, Slim.

He's turned things around.

Responsibility, the focus, the dean.

Anyone would be proud to call you their son-in-law.

Hold on a minute.

I'm not into all that arranged marriage thing, though.

I mean, I'm touched and that,

that you two want me to consider your daughters.

I'll consider it.

Yeah, I'll consider it, innit?

Our daughters?

You're bloody joking.

I'd rather she did a suicide bombing.

I will put the vest on her myself.

Fucking hell!

Don't worry, if you change your mind,

I'm sure there's someone we can find for you.

Hey, the world is full of middle-aged divorcees.

Huh?

Bloody scum.

That's not very nice, is it?

What do I want here?

Yes, handsome!

Oh, looking at you, you know.

Good to see you, bro, you all right?

Are you all right, yeah?

What?

Yeah, whoa.

♪ Hey girlie can you shake your booty now ♪

♪ Shake your booty now ♪

♪ Shake your dirty, dirty booty ♪

♪ Hey girlie can you shake your booty now ♪

♪ Shake your booty now ♪

♪ Shake your dirty, dirty booty ♪

♪ Hey girlie can you shake your booty now ♪

♪ Shake your booty now ♪

♪ Shake your dirty, dirty booty ♪

♪ Hey girlie can you shake your booty now ♪

♪ Shake your booty now ♪

♪ Shake your dirty, dirty booty ♪

What the hell is this?

Aqsa?

I need to talk to you.

I don't know how to say this, but...

Is it your breath?

No, it isn't.

When I was your age, yeah-

You had no friends.

No, it's not that, listen to what I'm saying.

Loads of spots.

No, you've got to listen.

At least these spots stop people noticing your breath.

Boys!

Yeah?

Sorry.

Boys, yeah?

What do you think of boys there?

I think they are human beings.

But, no, what I mean to say is, like, you know, like,

at your age, boys and that comes to you like,

"Yeah, can I have your Snapchat and that?"

Yeah?

Yeah.

Well then, stab him.

Or tell me and I'll stab him for you.

It's stressing me out, this.

I can't believe you, Mobeen.

All boys are just weirdos.

Don't talk to them, please.

Oh, my days.

You think I mess around with boys and that?

I swear all men are stupid, thick idiots.

Yeah, but not me 'cause like,

I'm not a stupid thick idiot, am I?

I wish I had a mum here sometimes and not just a brother.

No, but that's not fair, like.

We've discussed this.

I can be a mother figure to you.

Yeah, you can be a real mother figger sometimes.

Oi, oi, oi, that's rude.

Ooh-ya!

Ah!

Oi, you scared me, bro.

Give us a cuddle, man.

Oh, man, how are you doing?

I'm all right, bro.

Are you all right, yeah?

Mate, that's one too many.

Just three, just three.

- All right. - Yeah?

I think it's three, I don't even know where that comes from.

Where's Nate?

He's not here.

Thank you, Shitlock Holmes.

Shall we just go?

No, he said he's gonna meet us here.

You know what he's like.

If we leave, he'll freak out.

Just stay here.

Put your arms out.

Up like that.

Like yoga, that's it.

"I'm Mobeen!"

Ah!

Do you know what sexting is?

Yeah.

What?

It's when...

It's when...

Um...

Huh...

It's shapes, isn't it?

When you have a six-sided shape.

How tired are you?

Very tired.

Let's just go!

Wait, man.

Go faster, go faster, go faster.

Go faster!

Careful!

Come on, come on.

No, no, no.

Are you all right now?

Yeah.

Look, if you concentrate on one spot,

you won't feel dizzy.

You've got three spots.

Whoa, whoa, you okay?

I've been worried sick, man.

I was waiting for you two outside a mosque.

No, you haven't 'cause we're outside the mosque now, look.

What mosque were you at?

The one where all the Muslims come out of.

Muslims come out of every mosque, Nate.

But there's, like, 64 mosque in the ends.

Why can't you all just pray at the same one?

How come we don't all pray in the same mosque?

I haven't got an answer.

That's really profound, that is.

- Cheers, mate. - Yeah?

Are you not gonna shout at him?

No, there's no shouting at him.

Why is he so late?

Books?

Have you?

If that was me, you'd have shouted at me.

I'm gonna pick stuff up in the supermarket, I don't care.

He don't learn.

Every single...

Since we were kids.

He's like a bloody grocery pervert.

Do we need this?

Do you need sanitary towels?

I don't know what that is.

Brother, put it back, then!

Why are you always touching things, man?

All the time, touching, touching, touching.

Have you got your list?

Yeah, Aky gave it me.

Good, just stick to the things on there, yeah?

All right.

Even the little cheeses in Asda, yeah,

the free samples, you get to try them

before you decide if you wanna buy them,

and that's just cheese, innit?

I'm proper allergic to cheese.

I just don't want you to do anything you're gonna regret,

and I thought you said arranged marriage weren't your thing.

Domino's stuffed crust gives me hemorrhoids, actually.

Okay.

Look, man, I know what I said,

but you know as well as me

that sooner rather than later,

Aqsa's going to need that strong

female role model in her life.

Yeah, but arranged marriage?

Look, I know I'm not a Muslim, yeah,

but is marrying your cousin really the right answer?

I would never marry my cousin, innit?

He proper loves cheese.

Yeah, look, I think you're getting your arranged marriages

and you're forced marriages mixed up, blood.

You don't have to marry your cousin.

You sure?

Of course, man.

Listen, nowadays, arranged marriage goes down

so you know your daughter ain't falling in love

with her old man Rashid.

Shotting off his ten bags of weed

with his zero-hour contract at Sports Direct.

It's like a vetting process, I suppose.

I probably wouldn't marry a vet as well, actually.

Look, at the end of the day, if you don't like them,

you don't marry them and that.

But you do still get to go to their house,

eat bear free munch and...

Oi, listen.

What?

See some peng milfs!

You understand what I'm saying?

Bruv, I mean, like, these aunties are outshining

their daughters for junk.

That's true.

I heard that, actually.

Like, for example, I would proper marry your mum, innit?

'Cause you both know what the craic is

from the start, yeah?

You don't have to sit there scrolling through

each others' selfies and pretending you like the violin

just to impress them, do you know what I mean?

Look, man, I know I said I'd never do it, yeah,

but I can't rule out arranged marriage right now, boys.

Simple as that.

I think arranged marriages are proper bullshit.

Still no girls will see you, innit?

None!

- Ah. - Ah.

Look at me, I'm a geezer in his late 20s,

living with his little sister,

earning 17 grand a year after tax.

The girls ain't brawlin' over your boy any more.

You understand what I'm saying?

Actually, there is another way.

Go on.

What if me and Nate, yeah, we move in with you,

and the three of us, we look after Little Aqs.

It's been done before.

I seen it.

How many times, yeah?

"Three Men And A Baby" was a film, not a documentary, bruv.

Then how come it's on Channel 4, then?

Social services would have been all over Ted Danson.

And actually, boys, even though we loved it

when we were kids,

I've re-watched it a couple of weeks ago.

It was shit!

How dare you.

No, but "The Goonies" is still the greatest of all time.

You understand what I say when I say what I say, innit?

Wicked, I love that film.

You know when that fat one does like,

that truffle shuffle truffle.

I loved that one, 'cause he's all like...

No, no, no, but he didn't do that, though, did he?

He didn't do that.

Come on.

Shall I get this?

Is it on the list?

No.

Well, put it back, then.

Oh, look.

Dinosaur shapes.

Do you want them?

Yeah.

Anything else you want?

No.

Don't sound so surprised.

You've got a lot to offer.

Look at you, you are highly domesticated.

Are you gonna wash your hands?

No.

Overrated.

You're like a little Mary Poppins...

Who used to sell the hard-core cannabis.

Who is spreading these rumors?

I never sold no drugs, all right?

But I feel very honored that your daughter

might consider me for marriage,

so I'll think about it, yeah?

No chance.

Why do you keep asking that?

Why would I subject my beautiful daughter

to such a shit life, stuck with you?

Huh?

Aw.

You're such a nice person, Uncle Habib.

Imagine if you were a complete dickhead.

In other news, you are going to meet a very nice girl

and her father about getting married.

- What? - Huh?

When?

Tonight.

Can you discuss these things with me

before you start arranging stuff?

Calm down, you just go there and be yourself.

Well, not your actual self.

Be someone better, you know?

Much better.

Who's the girl?

You know Brother Ahmed?

Always prays on the front row?

You know, really boring, never smiles, rarely speaks?

No.

But he sounds like a right giggle!

It's his daughter.

No, Uncle Habs.

It still feels weird, man, I don't wanna do it.

Just go there and try it.

This process isn't magic, bastard.

You go there, see what it's like.

And after meeting, you will be aware of what a woman

is looking for in a husband.

And don't you worry, I'm coming with you.

No, no, no, it's okay, it's okay.

We go together.

We won't go together, it's fine.

I'm a big man now, innit, it's fine.

I am coming with you.

Lovely.

Tastes of washing-up liquid.

You are disgusting.

Yeah, yeah, I'm almost there, Uncle Habib.

What do you mean you ain't coming?

Well, why is she trying to kill you?

Why didn't you clear your search history, then,

you dirty, dirty old man?

You make me sick, you do.

Well, I'm here now.

What do you want me to do?

Now, please, please, please, please don't send him.

He's a weirdo.

Who's a weirdo?

What do I do with him, man?

All right, Uncle Shady?

Any last-minute advice and that, or...

Yeah, don't be a bastard.

Keep this off, yeah?

As-salaam alaikum, Brother Ahmed, you all right?

Welcome.

Come on inside.

Take your shoes off, please.

Okay.

It smells lovely in here, Brother Ahmed.

It smells shit.

What?

So...

It was a shame for Habib.

Apparently his wife witnessed the whole thing.

Yeah, bless her, she saw him go over

on his ankle and he broke it.

Yeah, so...

Ankle?

She caught him watching the pornography.

What?

Your house, yeah, it's beautiful.

Thank you for inviting us here today.

Thank you.

And your carpet is very, very white.

Almost racistly white.

Anyway, enough of the small talk,

did you see the picture of Khadijah?

What did you think?

Oh yeah, I did.

I did, Brother Ahmed.

She's very pretty.

She's beautiful.

He told Habib she's high quality brown poom-poom.

Oh!

What's brown poom-poom?

I'm sorry?

A musical instrument and that.

As-salaam alaikum, uncle.

So, it's, um...

Mobeen.

Mobeen...

Dean.

Yeah, that's right, yeah.

Sorry, we've had a couple of Mobeens

come through the process before

and they were both very thick.

Are all Mobeens thick?

Yes!

You all right, Khadijah?

Thumbs up, no-one's used that as a greeting since '98.

No need for this to be awkward.

Let's start off nice and light, shall we?

Yeah.

Yeah, keep it easy.

Let's do it.

What do you think of women?

Sorry?

Women.

What do you think?

Well, I think women are amazing.

Like, phenomenal.

Just powerful and strong and that, and...

If I weren't a man, I'd be a woman.

He has the tits for it.

Come on.

He does...

He does have tits.

Make a note of that.

You don't mind if we film this, do you?

It's for our relatives back home in Pakistan, obviously.

Obviously.

I couldn't give a shit.

So, we understand that your parental situation

is complicated.

Can you share a bit about that with us, please?

Yeah.

Well, my mum and dad, they got divorced

when I was quite young

and I haven't seen my old man for the last 20 years.

But my mum, she was amazing, man.

She did everything for us.

She got remarried when I was a teenager, you see, and...

It's a very boring story.

The start of a tough time.

He was arrogant and abusive, and-

I would have knocked him spark out.

I did.

Several times.

That's when he went back to Pakistan.

So you think violence is the way to resolve things?

No, I didn't-

So you have a criminal record?

I don't have a criminal record.

Allah is watching.

I do have a criminal record.

What were you in jail for specifically?

He killed people.

I never...

I never killed...

I never killed anybody.

I don't know what he's talking about.

He gave drugs to children.

Yeah, but he was 16.

I was 16.

We were all 16.

It was for GCSEs.

Oh, so that's fine, then?

I don't think it's all right.

Selling drugs, criminal record, punched his stepdad?

You, Mobeen Dean, are scum of the bloody Earth.

You, Mr Ahmed, you are the biggest arsehole.

I beg your pardon.

Nobody speaks to Mobeen like this except me.

Thanks, but I'd prefer if you didn't

speak to me like that as well, if I'm honest.

I've had enough of you two.

Get out of my house now.

Not until you apologize to him.

Are you mad?

This is my house.

I'm not apologizing to anyone.

Oh yes, you are.

What are you gonna do about it?

Yeah, walk away.

What?

Oi, oi, oi, oi.

Apologize.

No.

Get off!

You are going to lick and clean yourself.

No.

Khadijah, you got any more stupid ass questions

in that book of yours?

How do you feel about having

bigger breasts than your wife?

Oh, you got jokes, yeah?

How do you feel about your dad being

a brown version of Karl Pilkington?

Look at my man's face.

Get off me.

You know, maybe me and you

at some Costa coffee shop somewhere else,

this might have been different, innit?

No.

Say sorry to him.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Are you kidding me?

I can't believe that.

I know.

She fully wanted to marry me next week, you know.

11:30, she told me address.

I was gonna go karaoke with Brother Ahmed.

So, what did you say?

I said no.

No.

Can I marry her, then?

I wanna to karaoke.

I mean, all things considered and that,

I was stressed out, but I think we're all right, innit?

What you lot gossing about?

Mobeen nearly got married.

What?

What is wrong with you?

No, look, listen.

I didn't think I was doing a good enough job for you

so I tried to get you a mum,

but then I couldn't find you a mum.

You don't need a mum, you've got a lovely brother.

I don't need a mum,

and who's gonna wanna marry you anyway?

You look like Shrek.

'Cause he's green, innit?

And 'cause he looks like Shrek.

He does a bit actually.

He does a little bit, innit?

I don't know what you are laughing for.

If he gets married, there'll be someone else on that sofa

and this will be gone.

It'll all be gone!

Ha-ha!

Good girl.

In your faces.

It'll all be gone if I get married,

and I will get married.

Let go, baby girl.

No, you can't come in today.

We need to make sure he never, ever get married.

Don't mind me looking like Shrek and that.

Looking like Shrek.

You look like Shrek.