Original subtitles

♪ Happy 30-birdy ♪

♪ Happy 30 -- ♪

Happy 30th birthday, Abbi.

Okay, so, today, we are walking from --

Sorry, one second. Nose grease.

This is gonna be the litty-est story ever.

Happy 30th birthday, Abbi.

Okay, so, today, we are walking from

the tippity-top of Manhattan

to the tippity-bottom of Manhattan.

It's function, baby. It's fashion, baby.

It's fluid, baby.

I got to fill it up. There's nothing in there right now.

Abbi: Oh, yeah, dude. I am so happy that you got these.

Ilana: Phillip Lim on a Shopbop discount.

$149 at 80% off, okay?

And we're talking only half a size smaller

than the size I actually wear, so work it, dawg!

Hold on! Is that the key to my heart?

Yeah, this is the key to your heart.

-What's the other one? -The key to your ass!

-How do you feel, Abbi? -I feel good.

Bitch, how do you feel?!

-I feel great! -Yes!

Happy 30th birthday, dawg!

Whoa, Ilana, are you sure those shoes are okay?

Yes. Dude, I feel more comfortable

in platforms than not.

Woman: We're being held up here

due to someone jumping on the tracks to get a photo.

We'll be moving shortly.

Oh, my good God.

I can show you your present right now.

-Ilana, I said no gifts. -Okay, but it happens

to already be in your phone, so check your texts.

What is it?

Oh, my God!

Ilana.

What?

♪ I'm 15 for a moment ♪

Oh, my gosh!

How long has this been going on?

♪ 22 for a moment ♪

♪ And she feels better than ever ♪

♪ And we're on fire ♪

♪ Making our way back from Mars ♪

♪ 15 there's still time for you ♪

♪ Time to buy and time to lose ♪

♪ 15, there's never a wish better than this ♪

Ilana, this is like...♪ 15 there's still time for you ♪

♪ Time to buy and time to choose ♪

♪ Hey 15 ♪

♪ There's never a wish better than this ♪

♪ When you only got a hundred years to live ♪

♪ 4 and 3 and 2 and 1 ♪

Ilana: Yes, yes, yes, yes!

♪ Looks like we made it ♪

To Inwood! New York City, baby!

Holy shit! There she is, the birthday girl herself!

The pigs!

Okay, no, for real, pigs.

Dude, stop it.

Stop.

Ilana: You're beautiful!

♪ Shake down, now shit's getting shook up, used -- ♪

She's speechless.

Morris Jumel Mansion, baby. Beside herself.

This has been here the whole time, sitting here!

Yeah.

Ow.

Ilana: Come on!

What?

Oh, thank you. Uh, it's just this Onionarticle.

It's just cracking me up, man.

That's the Times.

Wow. She's been practicing all season for this moment.

Wow, since her recovery, I'm -- I'm shocked

at the eleganza she's bringing.

No parents. Her parents divorced her,

gave her over to coaches. She and her coach

have had a sexual relationship for many years.

Let's see if she can nail the triple axel!

Oh! And she nailed it!

Hair braiding!

Hair braiding!

You want your hair braided?

You want your hair braided?

No. Ilana, no.

Come on! She's black.

-She's saying it. -Hair braiding!

I just don't think that you should --

One braid.

Thank you so much.

Abbi: Beautiful. It's very long.

You know what it is?

A touch of cultural appropriation

sheds light on the matter.

Whoo!

Yeah!

♪ Dirty 30, hoo! ♪

♪ Dirty 30, hoo! ♪

♪ Dirty 30, yow! ♪

30, huh? Do you feel different?

You look younger, actually.

Dude, I feel fine.

-I don't know. Whatever. -No, no, no, no.

You are a-mahz-ing,

fully a-mahz-ing and "sahno" phenomenal.

Come on. You have two really nice parents

and a great apartment.

Yeah, no, I -- I don't know.

I guess I thought I'd be, like, married with kids by now.

I guess it's good I have the job at Anthropologie.

Yes! 'Cause, you know what? If you had kids,

they'd leave you after 18 years,

but Anthropologie, you might work there forever.

I mean, I hope not.

Me, too. You're not gonna work there forever,

but you could if you wanted to

'cause you're so good at your work,

but you're surely gonna become a famous artist,

so it's not even an issue.

-Okay, let's just keep going. -Yeah.

Damn!

-Dude, stop filming. -I'm sorry, I have to report

that Abbi just got clotheslined

by a metal pole in the middle of the street.

Whoa!

-Aah! -Ilana! Oh, my God!

-Ilana! -Ow, damn it!

Are you okay?

Yeah, I just fully fell down a manhole.

Wait, are you still filming?

♪ A girl on girl crumble ♪

dude! I'm, like, actually hurt!

I don't think I can climb up the ladder

and film at the same time.

I know what to do! Okay!

Ohh. Oh, God. Okay.

Abbi: Dude, we got to go to a doctor.

Ilana: I'm fine!

Plus we gotta walk the rest of Manhattan!

Okay, aisle 4.

Hell yeah.

Ilana. Shoot.

-Ilana! -Whoo-hoo!

Oh, my God.

I miss school only for the supplies.

Oof! Lisa Frank, bitch!

Mogul, bitch! Empire, bitch!

School supplies.

These are good ones.

These are good markers.

Abbi: Killin' it.

♪ Happy birthday, dear Claire ♪

Brrring!

Miss, um, how may I help you today?

Ilana: I don't know, what do you go?

Well, for your lovely feet,

I'm thinking we should definitely get you

in something a little more comfy.

I think you need something definitely with arch support.

Cushioning.

Breathable. You got it.

Hi. Thank you so much.

♪ When you give me those ocean eyes ♪

I can't, like, lea-- You know how they're always like, "Lean,"

and then they lean? Aah. Yeah, I can't do it.

I'm like, "How many layers of irony can we go?"

Skechers is selling ugly Skechers.

Please.

Abbi: All right, dude. What are we even doing?

Are these comfortable or what?

Yeah, no, they're good.

They're good!

Oh --

Ilana: Wowee, wowee, what a steal!

I'm buying these for you.

What?

-No! -Happy my birthday!

I couldn't le--

I'll take these, please.

If you open up a Fresh Kicks credit card,

these will be $9.99.

Please do not film me.

But adults do have more than one credit card.

I should get the extra credit card.

I should get it. It's not nuts

for me to get another credit card.

Okay.

And I'll just do it. I'll just, like --

You'll pay it. Don't need to tell Dad --

tell Dad about it.

Abbi: And then I'll get the funds from my bank account

that'll be sent to you, somehow.

Yeah.

I have two credit cards.

Abbi Gary Anna Abrams.

One of you stole Abbi's credit card information,

and I think I know the loser from high school that it is,

and his name rhymes SchNicholas SchPaley, okay?

Same thing did happen to Obama, though, so it's kind of hot.

Ilana. Ilana!

This how no one can go to a Disney Store.

Is she close by?

No.

I don't know.

Um --Okay, if any of my 213 followers

is in the Midtown Mall,

we just found a dope little girl,

and her parents aren't here.

But she's fine. She's with us, but --

-What's your name? -Ga da na!

-Gadanna! -Gadanna!

That is gorgeous!

Madonna, Rihanna, Ilana, Gadanna!

Whoa. Dude, that's good.

♪ Okay ♪In the corner.

Mommy, can I go explore over there?

Hold on one sec, all right?

So, we're going to Security,

but we're riding the escalator,

which is more fun, and it gives us more time with Gadanna!

-Totally, dude. -No, I mean, it's insane.

Like --

What, she's 2?

I'm 30.

I mean, I could literally be her mom.

I mean, if I was just walking around this --

you know, the mall -- by myself,

and people saw me shopping with her,

they'd be like, "That's a mom and her kid."

You're crazy!

Me?!

-I'm crazy now? -You're crazy!

-No! -She nut.

Mommy! Mommy. Mom--

Oh, Gadanna, you have taught us so much.

Yeah, we're really gonna miss you.

Okay, maybe we could just do, like, a double-cheek kiss.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Double-cheek kiss. Ready?

-Mwah! -Mwah!

Cheese: Excuse me!

What the are you doing with my child?

-Mommy? -Abbi?

College Abbi.

Did you take Bella?

No, we didn't take her.

She was clearly stranded.

You should keep better track of your kids.

Oh, grow up, Abbi. We're 30.

Why the are you filming her?

Why the are you filming her?

Ilana: bitch!

bitch.

-Go! -No!

Go, go, go!

No, dude! You out?

-Yes! -You can't!

Oh! You can't leave!

So, we just downloaded that story for evidence,

but now, um, the rest of Manhattan!

Whoop, whoo-oop!No, I mean, what a bitch.

Like, what a mess. Like, we are so not pedophiles, dude.

-No! -I mean, and her name is Cheese?

-Come on. -But it's not really Cheese.

No, whatever her name is!

Listen, all this girl wanted to do in college

was, like, ecstasy and take group showers --

ones that I never even wanted to be a part of, by the way.

Even if she would have asked me, I would have never done it.

Ilana: Yeah.And now she has a bunch of kids,

and she thinks she's better than me?

No!She thinks she's better than me?

-No! -Bullshit!

We're coming to ya, men!

Whoo! Ma men!

Oww!

-Whoo! -Hey.

-Happy birthday. -Thank you so much.

-Thank you. -Hey, happy birthday.

-Hey. -Hi.

-Ilana, what happened? -Oh, God. Okay, so --

♪ Amazing grace ♪

♪ How sweet the sound ♪

♪ That saved a wretch ♪

-What is this? -Hey!

Ah, what's up, Bubbie?

Yo, yo, yo, yo.

Okay, let's do this quick before she gets back.

Happy birthday, Abbies! I hope you have

the most amazing one. I love you so much.

I hope the 30s are everything you expect them to be.

And I'm really happy it's happening to you before me.

You are olderthan me. That's why I say this.

God, dude, I remember my 30s.

All I had was a beeper -- a frickin' beeper.

Nobody had freakin' cellphones,

every two minutes checking your phone.

I'm so happy I didn't grow up --

Cheers, Abbi.

Happy birthday.

I'm so excited to celebrate

this momentous occasion with you.

I feel like this is your year,

so you need to do something with it.

If I know my baby's poop schedule,

she is just about finished.

Look at these. How cute is this?

Okay, here we go.

Thank you guys so much for all the sweet messages.

-Yay! -Yay!

I also saw the new butt video.

Okay, the lady doth not protest, though, so...

They're good -- They're good pants for the -- for the butt.

Really good.

It's crazy we never walked across

the Brooklyn Bridge together.

One day...

Man: Look at it.

Dude! This is where the Titanicdocked.

Are you joking?

I wasn't. I get -- I see now.

I mean, I just -- I saw the movie.

I just didn't remember.

This is hard.

Oh, I love you!

Holy shit.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

No!

Oh, my God! This sucks!

What are we gonna do? We can't stop now!

-Use my phone. -Oh, yeah.

Whew.

♪ Bet I'm gon kill it ♪

♪ Sittin' on a sceptre, bet I'm gon kill it ♪

A little left, yeah.

Lower. Yeah.

Suck it, suck it, suck it, suck it.

you!

Everybody's laughing at you, you clown!

♪ Go down, go down, go down ♪

♪ Yeah, let me see you go to town, yeah ♪

♪ Go down, go down, go down ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, if you're down, boy, really down ♪

♪ Baby, let me watch you go to town ♪

♪ It's your one chance, baby, never or ♪

We did it!

-We did it! -We walked all of Manhattan,

Whoo!from the tippity-top to the tippity-bottom.

Okay, Abbi, so, what's one thing you did last year

that you're proud of?

-What the dude?

-Holy shit! -Are you kidding me?

If you think that I am "cuckoo caca insahno,"

then say it to my face.

You're cuckoo caca insahno.

Wait a second. Did you follow us down here?

-Yes. -How?

You posted your location tags.

-Dur. Dur, dur. -Right.

Running around the city

with your little foibles

and your little mishaps

and your little shenanigans.

Get over yourself!

-Oh, I'm over myself. -She hates herself.

You're the one with the perfect life.

You're always posting photos of yourself on vacation,

-on beaches and stuff. -You're rich.

And you're always at cupcake and pizza parties!

I never get to eat that stuff, especially not in party format!

And excuse me -- four children and look like this?

-You look unbelievable. -Yeah.

You are literally woman magic.

So you.

Thank you.

But...no!

No, I --

I'm struggling.

My tits are down to my knees.

I sleep like 90 minutes a night.

I am floundering!

Okay, okay, okay. Uh, you're Cheese!

You'll always be Cheese to me!

And me, 'cause I don't know your government name.

It's Lindsey.

-Lindsey. -Oh, my God. Right.

Thank you, you guys.

Aww! Aww!

God, social media is terrible.

Oh I got to go.

I wish I could hang out, guys.

-Yeah, us, too. -I'm sorry.

-Yeah. -But next time.

Jackson,

get back in the car!

That sucks. To be her.

-Jackson! -Or Jackson.

Okay, let's just see the damage.

-Dude! God. -Oh. You know what?

It was already on its way, but --

No, it's, um -- Okay, it's not that bad.

-Look at your finger!

It's fine.

I have to get a new phone now.

Just --

It's stunning. It's gorgeous.

-Jesus! -Dude, we don't have a phone.

We don't -- We can't record this!

No one's gonna believe that we even saw this!

I mean...

I guess we could just experience it.

Ew.

That's cuckoo caca insahno, but the good kind.

-There's a good kind? -Oh, yeah.

Look at this. Can you believe her?

-Looks pretty perfect. -You know what, dude?

I think I need to get off social media.

It's over between us.

Okay. Okay.

Dude, me, too. Me, too, dude,

because I don't really remember any of the day.

Yeah, I mean...

Shit. It feels like

because we were filming it,

it's not even our story anymore.

It's like Stories' stories.

Yes.

I want -- I want it to sort of be, like, um, pirate-y?

Abbi: Show me that. Toward your --

Put your face toward me.

Wide eye.

A little smile, in the eye only.

Not in the mouth, in the eye.