Original subtitles

Oh, my God.

Who did this?

"We've pissed our pants so many a time,

"but this place was first and thus sublime.

"You'll find the next clue where the trash is disposed,

the cleanest can on the block, right next to the hose."

"P.S. Dress cute and hot and fresh and young."

Oh, my God, yes.

Scavenger hunt!

**

Ha ha ha!

Forgot my phone. Okay.

(gasps and exhales)

* Four and three and two and one one-one **

**

The garbage can next to the hose...

**

Ew...

"The next clue is held tight by a long-haired purveyor

"in the place you got a hickey

and I was a player."

Cha-ching!

This is the whole clue?

It's a blank piece of paper.

Put it over the fire, you dumb whore.

Ew!

"The next clue's in a place

"we went and weeped.

A man holds the key, he's prolly asleep."

You know, you're a sexy little bitch.

(laughing)

Where does she find these fucking people?

Thank you for the information.

Put it on my tab, Barney. You got it.

Ha ha! Got her!

(gasping) Oh, my God.

Hi!

Oh-- no, please, don't show me your dick!

I don't wanna see another dick today!

It's a clue.

Oh, my God! Yes!

Thank you!

(puppies yelping)

**

Hey.

Hey!

Oh, my God, dude.

This is nuts.

That scavenger hunt was insane.

Ha-ha-ha! The Intrepid? Beautiful.

I mean, I've never... experienced anything like that.

I mean, I rode a horse.

I have-- I didn't know that I could ride a horse.

I did. You know me better

than I know myself. Better than you know yourself.

Oh! Same...

(both) Page!

(both laughing)

It's... It's so...

(both) Hilarious!

Yes.

(both) Ahh...

We are an incredible team, and I love you.

That's so sweet.

And look, it's our dish. It is our dish.

I dream of these chicken fingers.

Funny thing is, we won't have

any dreams tonight because we'll be

shitting ourselves so crazy with diarrhea.

Cheers to that. Yeah.

**

(laughing)

Aren't these incredible?

**

(both slurping)

So anyway, Happy Friendiversary.

(glasses ding)

Friendiversary... yeah.

Ew.

Dude, that... scavenger hunt

was genius

for the friendiversary.

Okay, so now, gifts.

Ilana, um,

hold on a second, I need to...

You can go first.

No... no.

No, no, you go.

Thank you, 'cause I am so freaking excited.

Yeah.

Okay, so this is a family heirloom

from my great-grandmother, Fanny Rose, who came here

on a ship during "Fiddler on the Roof" times.

And they were experiencing

violence and raids in their shtetl.

Grandma Fanny Rose, being the child,

was the most innocent-looking,

so she swallowed these diamonds,

over and over again,

pooping them out and sifting through the poop

and swallowing them again to continue the cycle

and keep them safe until they were in America.

Wow... Wow, wow...

I don't know what to say.

No words necessary. Just put it on.

Uh, Ilana, I-- I can't accept this.

It's offensive if you don't accept it.

Not just to me but to Grandma Fanny Rose,

may she rest in peace.

Okay... uh...

I'll just try it on.

I can feel her when I hold that necklace.

And I feel like you're bringing her back to life.

It looks gorgeous.

Even, like, on a T-shirt,

you kinda dressed down, which I get.

It's-- it's sort of natural on you.

Thank you.

It's your turn.

Yeah, my turn-- okay.

Um...

I got you, um...

(sighing) I did research,

and I thought about it a lot,

and I got a memento

that I-- I think is the best...

Mmm. And it is a...

um, intensive hydrating face mask.

What? Well, okay.

Okay, so, it-- it's a-- it's symbolizing--

You know, it's a metaphor for how I feel about you.

You feel that I'm dry? No.

No, I feel that you are nourishing.

And that you're extremely rejuvenating for me.

You regenerate me.

And you restore me,

my-- not only myself but my skin.

Great, thank you, thank you so much, great. Yeah. Are you mad?

(sighing)

Not mad, just informed.

Well, Ilana, get ready...

because...

I planned...

a big night...

on the top of the Empire...

State Building!

And I got the bill as well.

No, the tradition is that we go Dutch,

unless you forgot.

No, I did not forget.

I love that tradition and very much remember.

Mm-hmm.

I think it's actually better up here in the rain.

Hmm. Hmm.

Glad I spent 1,200 bucks getting these heads made.

What? Forget it.

It is kinda romantic.

Romantic, I was just about to say that.

We are, like, inseparable

and, like, on the same page, totally, completely.

Oh, my God, Ilana,

and I-- and I planned an activity, for us.

Check out the city.

Come on. Here we go.

You're up first.

VIPs.

Wow.

The city really is so magical.

Oh, my God, dude!

What? Hot sex!

Look right there. Let me see, let me see, let me see.

(Ilana laughing)

Oh, my God, Ilana, this is fucking disgusting.

You are so prude.

It's weird.

No, I'm not.

Two ladies? Oh, my God! You gotta see this!

We gotta come up here more often.

What the fuck, Ilana?

Do not be a fucking homophobe.

No, look!

(Abbi) No!

(gasping)

(both) Holy shit!

Okay, love bugs, so you say

she fell off the fifth floor balcony?

Yeah, it was the one with the blue towel,

and she fell, like, right here.

And then her-- her body bounced.

Right over there.

Oh!

Cool.

I'm sorry, sweethearts, there's no evidence here.

Maybe you two were bored.

You just need a little excitement.

You know it's a felony to report a false crime?

Okay, we don't need any excitement.

We were in the middle of excitement.

Okay, all right. Calm down.

You two have a nice night, okay?

(gasping)

I mean, we saw that, right?

Yeah, I mean, I think so.

Ilana, that's the guy!

Holy shit!

(Abbi) Oh, my God.

He's got a Burton bag!

Abbi. Dude.

No, the body's in the bag, Ilana!

Okay, okay.

**

(Abbi) I mean, what are we even gonna say to him when we confront him?

I mean, are we confronting him?

Yeah, we're gonna be, like, we saw you

kill your girlfriend, bitch!

God, I mean, this is so crazy.

We are being so crazy right now.

What if he has a gun?

He probably does. Everybody has fucking guns.

Oh, my God. I saw this "Oprah" once

where this girl was about to be sexually assaulted,

and then she twisted the dude's dick.

I mean, that is always in the back of my mind.

Yeah, 12th season, 1998. Amazing season.

And then the other girl, who also had been attacked,

pissed on her attacker, and it worked. Genius. Yep.

(Abbi) Genius.

A karaoke bar? What?

Do you see him?

Where the fuck did he go?

**

** (vocalizing)

No suitcase. He doesn't have his suitcase.

** (vocalizing)

What kind of sick fuck comes in here and eats dessert

after he throws his fiancée out of the building?

Why even get engaged if you're just gonna murder her?

** (indistinct singing)

Ugh, milk? What a fucking baby.

** (vocalizing)

Let's go.

**

Let's go.

Hi, um, excuse me, sir,

do you know the name of the movie that that man

just bought tickets to see?

He bought tickets to "Daddy's Back."

Jerking off at "Daddy's Back"

after he kills his wife? Whoa!

How long is the movie?

(Ilana) An hour and 50 minutes.

Plus 45 minutes of previews.

That means we have enough time to sneak into his apartment.

Whoa! No, bitch. You are a cuckoo bitch.

We're not breaking into his apartment.

Okay, Ilana, you were the one that just said

that we're like, this productive

and efficient team. We run this city.

You know, the mother of his children does deserve her justice.

Her story must be heard.

You're right.

Yeah, we just need to make sure we do this the smart way.

(giggling)

Hi! Ladies, can I help you?

You can indeed.

We are here to surprise our uncle.

(Abbi) We're his nieces.

He just left a little bit ago,

and we wanted to sneak into his apartment

to surprise him for his birthday.

See, we got a cake and everything.

Ugh, yum.

And we just wanted to set up

before everybody else got here.

We know he's on the fifth floor,

and we know he's on a corner apartment,

but we just forgot the exact number.

Oh, that's Mr. Hudson's apartment, 5D.

Yeah, Uncle Hudson, we love him.

Oh, sweet Uncle Hudson. Yeah.

You two are adorable.

You too. (both laughing)

Jesus, white girls can get away with anything

if you act dumb enough. I know, right?

We're lucky we look dumb.

Healthy-looking hookers.

Whoa.

I mean, this is crazy.

I mean, we really can do anything

if we put our minds together.

So, we have an hour

until he gets out of the movie. Right.

What are we even looking for?

Evidence.

Yeah.

This was a home that... had heart.

Oh, my God.

Holy shit!

This is an entire accordion folder full of takeout menus.

You ever heard of Seamless?

Insane, he probably doesn't even let her on the Internet

'cause she'll read too much.

This is nuts.

Ugh, look at this. They were a happy couple.

Sick.

And all along, his blood is just boiling

that she's so much hotter than he is.

Cleaning supplies.

An entire cabinet full of cleaning supplies?

She thinks that she's gonna use them to clean the toilet.

Guess what. He's using them to clean up her blood.

Mmm. God.

(keys jingling)

(lock rattling) (gasping)

(keys jangling)

Oh, my God. Okay.

Holy shit, holy shit.

Oh, my God.

They're definitely married! Look at all her clothes!

I can't stand dead women's clothes!

Jesus.

Okay. (phone line trilling)

(woman) 9-1-1, what's your emergency?

Hey, it's Ilana.

Um, we-- we called earlier.

Yeah, about the woman being pushed off the balcony!

And now we're being held hostage in a man's apartment.

Oh, my God. The cake!

Sh... I left the cake.

Look, I'm so sorry, dude.

I'm sorry, I think this is the moment that we die.

This is it, this is it.

My mom's gonna be so pissed.

Ilana, can I just say something?

You're my favorite person.

Oh, my God, you're mine.

You're my everything.

And I want to tell you something before we die.

Okay. This morning...

I was the horse.

What?

(floor creaking)

We gotta hide, we gotta-- Go, go, go!

Get in the corner, get in the corner!

(both gasping)

(breaks wind)

Sorry. I'm so sorry.

(all screaming)

God, fuck no! Don't!

No, no, kill me and let her go!

No, Abbi, no!

Who the fuck are you?

What the fuck is that smell?

Chicken fingers from...

(both) The House of Barbecue!

The fuck are you doing here?

We saw you kill your soulmate!

We were on the top of the Empire State Building!

We saw you push her off the balcony,

you sick fuck!

And then we found your fucking sex doll!

You fucking freak!

Oh, you did, did you? Okay.

You wanna know who's in the closet with you? That's Fran.

And you wanna know who fell off the balcony?

That was Fran's sister Lydia.

Lydia's a sex doll, too!

I didn't push her, she fell!

We were making love!

And honestly, it's a real design flaw,

you know, how heavy they make the head.

'Cause sometimes, I wanna put the girls up against something,

you know, I wanna stand them up straight.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. (stammering)

Well, th-then why was the body in a suitcase, huh?

You were following me?

I was taking my fake wife to get repaired,

because her fucking head fell off when she hit the--

the fire escape on the way down!

That's a black market sex doll hospital!

Like an American Girl doll hospital.

Exactly. Okay.

Then what were you doing jerking off at "Daddy's Back"?

Yeah! I wasn't jerking off.

I sometimes go to the movie theater

and pay 30 bucks for a ticket because I enjoy the popcorn.

Okay, I-- I'm going to apologize,

'cause I feel really-- This is not right. I'm really sorry, dude.

This is really just awful, you know. We thought it was a--

We thought it was a woman. No, no.

And we were like-- we were gonna take matters... Everything's trash.

Into our own hands and save this person. I get it, man.

It's really bad, we thought it was battery against women.

Yeah, yeah, that's not you. I mean, that's not you. You wouldn't do that.

(knocking) Right after we explained to the cops why--

What? Why we-- Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!

We did not know! We did not know!

So as you can see, this has just been a stupid misunderstanding.

'Cause we really legit thought that he murdered a-a lady.

Not that a true companion,

you know, wasn't injured tonight. No.

(both laughing)

Hey. Okay.

Enough.

(both laughing)

Guys, shut up.

Sorry. This guy...

What's your name?

Uh, Terry.

Terry's just one man...

trying to find a little bit of comfort

in this fucked up, upside down world.

And what's the difference between Fran and your guns

making you feel like men?

And what's the difference between Fran and...

this guy?

If I rubbed him on my clit,

does that make me a fucking freak?

You know, he's soft and-- and firm at the same time.

It's an interesting feeling that I wouldn't mind experiencing.

Ew, Ilana. That was you?

You said disgusting things to me.

Happy Friendiversary.

So sweet.

So what are we doing?

Okay, so you don't want to press charges?

No, we-- we-- we would never.

That's not right. It's like, it was a misunderstanding.

Not you two-- you gals committed a felony.

You, sir, do you wanna--

No, I-I just want this over.

That's really nice.

Thank you. Okay.

Mmm. Let's go.

So sorry. So sorry about that.

Okay.

Bye, Fran.

(door closes)

Well, Fran... it really is my birthday.

Want some?

Okay, Alec Baldwin.

Oof. No shoes. Yeah.

I feel like he gets pedicures and keeps them nice, right?

Totally.

Okay, Kim Kardash.

Okay, so I'm sure her feet are, like,

sexy or whatever, but I say keep the shoes on.

I'd-- I'd want to see the original feet, sure.

Wait, hold on, you think she got her feet done?

Oh, no doubt.

People get fat injected to the balls of their feet

to make high heels easier to wear.

Ugh, gross.

I know, um...

Ugh, dude. Michael Jordan.

Hmm, okay. Yikes.

Well, I feel like his feet would be, like, super scary.

Horrifying. But so scary that I'd want to see them,

so no shoes, definitely.

Tonight was insane.

Nuts. That was crazy.

Yeah, like...

That was fucking...

That was nuts.

I mean, you jumped in front of me.

You were gonna risk your life for me.

Well, I mean, your scavenger hunt was fucking amazing.

Okay, Ilana, I gotta fess up.

I forgot about our friendiversary.

I'm sorry, I-- I'm really sorry.

Yeah, I know.

But that doesn't mean you should die.

No, no, I know,

but you did the whole scavenger hunt,

and then you also gave me

your great-grandmother's necklace that she kept

up her butt or whatever.

I-- I should-- I should probably take that back.

Yeah, I would love to give it back.

That was a really intense story,

and I just feel weird having it on my neck.

It was inappropriate, but my love for you is

sometimes inappropriate, and you know what?

It looked beautiful on you tonight, so fuck me.

But Ilana, I just-- I will say that I do

really stand by those sheet masks,

like, I know it's a small thing,

but those are very hydrating.

It's just a great product overall, I think,

in my opinion.

Sure.

Isn't it nuts when you think about

how much shit we have done together since we met?

How powerful we've become?

All the witch energy

we have soaked up from this city.

Also, okay, let's just say

that that dude had murdered his wife tonight.

Right. And let's just say that she was a human.

Yes. I mean, we would have solved

a fucking murder mystery tonight.

I know, we were literally, like, urgh!

(thunder booming)

Oh, my God!

Holy shit, what the-- This is insane.

How are-- How are we not magic?

You tell me, 'cause I don't know.

You can't tell me. You don't know!

I have to tell you something.

Okay. This morning...

Yeah? I was the horse.

(both laughing)

Forget it! Forget it!

Forget it. Forget it.

But can we do one more other one?

One more.