Original subtitles

(male reporter on TV) Another one bites the dust.

The New York City Snipper is at it again this morning,

snipping women's ponytails.

(beeping)

Oh, God! Ooh, oh, geez!

(beeping)

Shit. Hey, I got it. Hey.

Oh, wow, thank you. That's so nice.

No worries.

(grunts) That just happened to me.

Oh, no, now you can't get through.

(beeping)

Oh, you know, it's all good. Go, go, go, go!

(man) Hey, come back! Stop!

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit...

(vomiting)

Jesus Christ! Ugh, you're kidding me!

(mumbling)

Thanks again for swiping me in.

Oh, you're welcome, ma'am.

(humming)

(singing)

(wind chimes)

(tape rewinding)

Donald Trump will be president!

(reverse vomiting)

(wind chimes)

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit...

(vomiting) (shrieks)

God, are you kidding me? Ewww!

Ew! Jesus Christ!

(mumbling)

(woman) F Train suspended.

Doesn't work anymore, we gotta close it, guys.

Thank you.

Well, thanks again for swiping me in up there.

Yeah, you got it.

Um, I'm Abbi.

I'm Ilana.

I'm Robert.

(both) Hi, Robert.

Hey!

* Four and three and two and one *

**

Oh, God, I guess I'm just not gonna go to work.

Can't you just go in, like, a little bit late?

No, I forgot to lock up last night,

so then I was supposed to get there five minutes early

this morning to fake lock up.

And it didn't happen, so... best thing to do right now

is to smoke a lot of pot. (chuckles)

I mean, I was just gonna go to Bed, Bath & Beyond,

but I could definitely do that high.

That's cool.

You know, I could smoke you up.

Yeah, I-- I thought that's what you meant. Oh, cool!

(wind chimes)

* Get you, ooh *

* Get you, ooh *

(man) Right, we'll show 'em.

(hip-hop music playing)

Sick.

Ah!

Yeah! Yeah!

Oh! Oh, my God!

God, that's a strong kick.

Are you okay? I'm okay.

No, it's okay. (wincing)

Can I give you this money?

This is what we made today so far.

Oh, don't-- don't even worry about it.

I'm just a silly, upper-middle class NYU bitch,

so I wouldn't take money from you.

Hey, I go to NYU too, Tisch School Performing Arts.

We all do.

Tischies. Congrats.

All right, I'll take 20.

Whoops! Now you're all wet!

Even though I know you were already.

(chuckles)

(scoffs) No, sir!

'Cause I... I never get wet.

And now, I got you all riled up!

(laughing)

I love my life.

(wind chimes, tape rewinding)

Do you like Four Loko. It kinda scares me.

Whoops! Now you're all wet!

Even though I know you were already.

(chuckles) (mocking laughter)

No! You know what?

You're a needle-dick bitch, bitch.

This guy's a bitch!

You know hashtag, winning? You're hashtag, losing.

That's your symbol of masculinity, a bubble gun?

Good luck living the rest of your life.

Yeah!

Good luck living the rest of your life!

(sobbing)

I hate my life.

(phone buzzing)

(scoffs) I knew it!

I left the doors open all night where I work

and they fired me!

Come on, dude, fuck Grey Dog,

I hate that fucking place!

Dude, I love Grey Dog!

I mean, I'm sure the one that you work at sucks.

But the one on Carmine is, like, amazing.

The staff is so sweet. Dude, that's where I work!

Dude, I'm in there, like, every day.

Dude, how have we not seen each other?

Dude, this is insane! Oh, my God, dude!

Okay, well listen, if you need a new job,

my friend Morgan just got me this sick catering gig,

and a spot just opened up 'cause some guy just OD'ed.

Dude... (sprinklers turning on)

Oh, my God! (shrieking)

Oh, shit, my notepad! My notepad! I got it, I got it!

Oh, my God, my hair! Oh, this is bad.

No, it looks so good like that. Why do you straighten it?

'Cause I look like a "true Jew" if I don't straighten.

It's not necessarily a bad thing.

You wouldn't know.

No, I'm Jewish.

Not full.

Yeah, I'm completely Jewish.

Check the records.

Had a bat mitzvah.

Did you get work done?

No! I can't believe it.

Listen, I think you look like--

you got like a Rosie Perez vibe going.

If you poofed it up-- What?

Yeah. Okay, now I'm doing it like this every freaking day

for the rest of my life, dude!

Plus, it'll save me two hours every morning,

so I'll never be late for work again.

Bonus Jonas!

Would you wanna get breakfast?

I'm starving. Oh, my God.

I thought you'd never ask. Yes, I'm starving, too.

Jinx tummies. (laughs)

(wind chimes)

Come on.

Sorry, hopefully they'll be out soon.

Thanks.

(sighs)

(people gasping) Ha-ha!

No! (woman) It's the Snipper!

Oh, my God! What happened?

He took my pony! (crying)

Ew...

(crowd muttering)

Oh... hey, Tim.

Ilana, are you kidding me?

Is that the Kenyan hazelnut?

(gasps) You're fired.

Are you serious?

Yes, you are so completely fired.

(scoffs) Fine.

God... but I'm at least entitled

to my one free coffee a day for employees.

You made that up.

There is no one free coffee a day for employees.

You're just a thief.

Wow, did you just call me a queef?

That's sexual harass--

Get out, go.

Fine.

(woman) Yeah, I'm so excited.

First week in New York, I love this city.

(screaming)

Hey, Mel?

Melody, are you home?

(man) Is this the famous Abbi Abrams?

Fierce 'do!

You must be Matt.

All my friends call me Bevers.

It's nice to meet you, Bevers.

Nice to meet you, Abbi.

Ever since Melody got a job at the law firm,

it's like I never see her.

I almost forgot what it's like to have a roommate.

Well, don't get ahead of yourself.

It's not like I'm moving in or anything.

Right.

I've been looking for places all week.

I gotta find something by the weekend, fo' sho.

You know, in the meantime, make yourself at home.

And I just went food shopping.

I'm gonna make you a snack plate.

Uh, are you sure?

I mean, I don't wanna be an imposition

around here or anything.

No, it's fine.

I mean, I can't eat a whole wedge of cheese on my own.

Okay. Can I give you money?

No. Come on.

Okay... I mean, if you ever want me

to do chores around here or anything...

Listen, I'm the host, you're the guest.

I wanna make my host feel comfortable,

so as a guest, the rules of the house

are I never pay for food,

I never do chores, is that correct?

No, that'd be weird.

Okay. Got it.

Hey, Madisons.

(all) Hey.

Eww, I am having, like, a salty, wet diarrhea

of a fucking day!

What's going on with you guys?

We're actually having our weekly suite meeting.

Why would you have a suite-ing without me?

Okay, um...

we should just go on with it, even though she's here.

Elizabeth Buton-Bates, will you please

resume the PowerPoint?

Eww.

(gasps)

Madison, what the fuck is this?

Number 27-- you call all of us Madison.

What are you talking about, Madis...

Right, that is rude.

I acknowledge that is rude.

Parker Luxton?

The wall.

What wall?

The wall of graphic pornography above your bed.

Oh, come on!

I contribute a lot of culture to this suite.

You're always making us watch videos of animals

having sex with people.

Oh, my God, again! I showed you one video.

Many times. Of a man fighting

for the sensual pleasure of his life,

only to die later from internal bleeding.

It's Mr. Hands!

It's literally bestiality,

and it is literally a crime to watch.

I see... because if it were a lady horse and a man,

no one would have a problem with it.

They can get fucking married for all I care.

But gay dudes can't get married yet, huh?

Gay dudes can't get married, so a horse-dude

and a dude-dude can not fuck.

Jessica Merkel-Keller.

Jesus!

We know this one is just mean.

But when your hair is curly, it looks like pubes.

You're a fucking bitch,

but I'll go over it with the iron again.

Good job.

(wind chimes)

That's what a throuple is. Wow.

Again, I love your hair curly.

Thank you so much! Yeah.

Okay, okay, if you had to be a throuple

with any current couple, who would you pick?

Michelle and Barack Obama, hands down.

Yes, they are so hot as a couple

and as the leaders of the free world.

I mean, I am so relieved

that we have a hot black guy as president.

I mean, I feel like we're finally moving forward.

And it's just the beginning.

I mean, never backwards. Only forwards!

Next is a woman.

(both) Whoo!

(wind chimes)

And so, finally, that brings us to...

the three principles of natural selection.

These are in your textbook, but I just outlined them here.

(whispers) Hey...

(professor continues indistinctly)

Mm, hi.

Aye, no, did you get kicked in the face

by a subway performer again? Oh, ow. Yeah.

And now, we're going to open the floor

to some of our presentations.

Did you bring your presentation?

And first, we'll have... What presentation?

Ilana Wexler?

Jaime, can you pull the fire alarm again?

I really want to, but I'm trying to become

a citizen one day. It's illegal.

I understand.

Ilana Wexler.

Yes, Professor!

I am present and attending.

What class is this?

Professor... (speaking French)

Is this French? Hm.

Glasses on, phones off, please!

Fake an emergency in 30 seconds.

(sighs)

Welcome to my lecture.

The day is Thursday, the time is one o'clock.

(professor) Gotta stop you there.

It's Friday and it's 4:00 p.m.

But please, continue.

I stand corrected. (chuckles)

We shall commence our lecture...

(clears throat) ...presentation...

right now.

(singing) * White humans *

* Evil to the bone *

Uh, Miss Wexler, we've gone over this.

This is not Tisch.

Yeah, you made that very clear the day you took my djembe away.

You'll get that back at the end of the semester.

(phone chiming)

There's a sinkhole in my hometown.

My house is gone!

(whispering) Yes, girl, thank you.

I'm serious, you bitch!

(professor) Well, let's move on to the next presentation.

Ilana, you can actually go, if you like.

Really, I'd love to workshop--

It's for the best.

Mm.

(sighs)

(wind chimes)

(gasps) Have you ever been to a psychic before?

No, but I've always wanted to.

It's ten bucks, do you wanna do it?

Yes! Okay.

This is the best day.

(door bell jingling)

(bell dinging)

(both chuckling)

Welcome.

Hi. I'm Oda.

I possess the gift.

Um, hi, we're interested in--

Oh, I know. (chuckles)

I possess the gift.

Oh. She's good.

I'm feeling... you girls...

are new friends.

We are! Oh, my God!

(gasps)

Oh, I'm sorry. Indigestion.

So, as I was say-- (gasping)

Prophecy.

You're gonna die today.

We are so not dying today!

So not! I mean, what, are we gonna listen to her?

She was eating a burrito bowl. Ugh!

You know, it's like... it could inspire us

to live like we're gonna die tomorrow.

Like, imagine if we did something crazy.

I don't know. Yeah, okay.

Like, what if we got a tattoo?

I mean, that's like really big and permanent.

It's cool.

I have always wanted to get one.

But I don't know, then you can't be buried

in the cemetery and that whole thing.

Yeah, but that's just for Jewish people.

Yeah, I'm Jewish, remember? I told you.

I thought you were joking.

No, I'm not kidding.

(wind chimes)

(shrieking)

Oh!

Did you... pff... did you see that?

The guy with the bike!

Help!

(overlapping chatter)

Oh, hey! Hey!

Give me the vest! Hey!

Can you help me? Help me!

(wind chimes)

I mean, I have always wanted a tattoo.

But I can't think of anything that I care that much about.

Hm.

Except...

(tattoo pen buzzing) Oh, shit!

Okay. Ooh!

(sighs) Whoo!

I can't believe she's ending her show though.

I mean, like, what are we all gonna do?

Probably watch the Oprah Winfrey Network.

Oh, God.

(sighs) Okay.

Wow, you're doing good.

Okay.

(wind chimes)

(girls laughing)

(wind chimes)

Ooh, have you ever been to this pizza place

on Orchard and Delancey? It's my favorite.

Plus, sometimes, they give me free pizza.

I don't know that spot, but I always smoke

on the median of that intersection,

because when a cop sees me,

I just throw my bowl into traffic.

You throw a glass bowl into traffic?

Oh, yeah. Done and done.

(laughing) What?

So, my roommate's boyfriend is staying with us.

How long? She didn't say.

Oof... no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Not liking this. This don't look good.

This don't smell good, baby.

He sounds like a freeloading bag-of-trash bitch.

I mean, I barely said anything about him.

I haven't even met him yet.

No, you gotta call your roommate

right the fuck now and nip this in the ass

before he pulls squatters rights on you.

Yeah, okay.

"Nip it in the ass," is that the saying?

(spits) Yeah, nip it in the ass.

Okay. (clears throat)

Hey, Melody, it's me.

Um... I just wanted to call real quick and tell you

that I'm really not comfortable with Matt

staying any longer than this week.

And she should break up with him.

Um... for real, like, it just doesn't feel right,

and it's not what I signed up for.

Okay, oh my God, that...

that'd be perfect, that's amazing.

Thank you so much for being... so open-minded

and for listening to me and hearing me.

I really thought that this would be harder,

and this is amazing, we're really communicating.

Okay, yeah, I'll see you soon. Bye.

Dude! Oh, my God!

That was so good, girl! That was amazing!

Yes! Good job, dude.

You killed that!

Thank you so much. I never would have done that.

You were great.

(sighs)

I had, like, the funnest day.

I know, me too!

It was the best. It was.

Would you ever wanna hang out again?

Like, tomorrow?

I would love that!

Yeah?

My new friend.

(siren sounding)

Go. Go, go, go, go, go, go!

(glass breaking, tires screeching) Go, go, go!

The pizza! Leave it!

**

(sighs)

Hey!

You're the girl that swiped me in this morning.

That is so weird.

Yeah, that's nuts.

Hey. Hey.

How was your day?

Uh... well, I-- I just bought three slices of pizza

that I'm gonna eat myself, so... pretty much sums it up.

Gotcha, okay. Yeah. How was your day?

You know, terrible. Terrible day.

I'm sorry.

Do you want a hit?

Yeah. That'd be awesome.

Thanks. Cool pipe.

Got it on McDougal.

Do you want some pizza?

Oh, my God, I would love some.

Okay, well, I have to run back over to the pizza shop,

'cause I bought these three for me.

(laughing) Respect.

Yeah, uh, yeah.

That's amazing.

I need it today.

I know exactly what you mean.

Whoa, look. Wet cement.

You never see that.

Oh, my God.

We should press our breasts into it.

(chuckles) That feels...

I mean, we could just write our names, right?

Classy. Yeah.

Whoa. Okay.

This is amazing. This is nuts.

Abbi with an "I."

Ilana with an "I."

(both chuckle)

It's really nice to meet you.

Yeah, you too.

Um... you wanna take a walk?

Yeah, I'd like that. Cool.

So, what's with the black eye?

You know, I'm a supporter of the arts.

I'm an artist!

That's dope. Like, yeah, that's what I do.

You know, you look like an artist,

because of your haircut. Did you get it cut today?

It's dope! No...

I mean, in a-- in a way, I did.

I love it. Yeah.

You know what I've been thinking about lately?

What? This is so, like, stupid,

but why can't you get eggs after 11:00 a.m.?

I think about that all the time!

Are you serious?

I go in at, like, 12:30 to fucking Bodega.

And I'm like, "Hey, I want a bacon, egg and cheese,

'cause that's my fucking jam." Duh, bitch.

They're like, "No, none," they can't. Duh, bitch, duh, bitch, duh, bitch.

"You gotta come in in the morning."

And I'm like, are you-- I want to give you money.

You have it, I see all the ingredients.

Nuts!