Original subtitles

Dude, I really need to Zen out.

A bird flew into my mouth this morning.

Eww, again? I don't know what's going on.

Well, what could be more Zen than yoga that's

suggested donation-- free.

You catch that, suggested donation.

Free.

Ooh, so it really smells in here.

Okay, this isn't "Real Housewives" yoga, NeNe.

Sure, it has a few flaws, but that's the price you pay.

You catch that, that's the price you pay.

No, I-- I get it.

Ooh, I have the perfect spot.

Hey, you guys, do you mind if we scootch?

Two of us to get in here.

Doesn't seem like enough space for us--

It's plenty. Is it?

Yep, now it is.

Just enough.

** (uptempo Indian music)

(sniffing)

(farting)

(whispering instructions)

Oh, yeah, you can go deeper. Okay.

On both shoulders. Yeah, I can feel...

And breathe in, two, three, four,

and out, two, three, four,

and release.

(all farting)

Yes, that's good.

* Four and three and two and one-one *

**

(sighing) Oh, God.

(phone chiming) (sighing)

Hey, dude, what's up?

Yeah, girl, you ready to rumble?

Hell yeah, dude, I just got up a while ago.

Made myself a smoothie, been packin'...

yep, all morning.

Did you pack your anti-depressants?

Yep. Your anti-anxiety?

Yep. Please tell me anti-gas.

Yep. Your vibrator?

Yep, okay, do you have your electric toothbrush?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Flat iron. Headbands.

Uh-huh. 85 SPF sunscreen for your truly precious pores.

Uh-huh. Great, we're both...

totally packed responsibly.

All right, so we're gonna be on the first subway car

at Jay Street, right? 2:45, yes.

Front car-- and hey, wear something sexy.

Pssht, always do.

Jaimé, help me pack!

(overlapping murmurs)

I have no time, (bleep), dude.

Um, okay, my toothbrush, my vibrator.

What'd she say, my meds?

I got you, mi amore, don't you worry about it.

Oh, my goodness. What?

This is Lincoln's suitcase.

Yeah.

Oh, don't cry, oh.

I just have-- y'know, sometimes I feel like

he broke up with me too.

God, are you flexing?

No. Can you?

Okay. Oh, God, yeah.

Ooh. Okay.

Uh, Abbi?

Do we live in a zoo? Uh, what now?

Because I'm pretty sure there's an elephant in the room.

You're using my suitcase.

Uh, this is not even close

to being your suitcase, this is mine.

Drew Barrymore wrote an entire article about this suitcase.

I splurged on this.

I thought Melodie bought me that suitcase.

I use it so much. You do?

Just once.

Okay. Anyhoos.

what's the hot goss with you and Trey?

You guys are so Vivian Leigh and Laurence Olivier.

Okay, there's no hot goss.

Like, it kind of ended badly.

He's actually been switching his shifts

at the gym to avoid me.

You want me to try to talk to him?

I have a way with words.

No, thank you, Bevers, but I'm just gonna

keep packing, please.

Well, if you're not gonna say it, I will.

I'm gonna miss you too.

And please, please text me as soon as you land.

Get out of here!

Fine, I'll text you.

Thank you.

And you don't need to bother

cleaning up too much in here,

I'm gonna be in and out, okay?

Thank you so much for everything. Yeah.

Have fun, and please leave the radio on

when you're gone for Rat Bastard and her family.

We can afford it. Yeah, of course.

All right... (Jaimé muttering)

Jaimé time.

Yes.

Oh, hello.

I'm gonna call you Pablo.

(groaning) Hey, now.

Please don't stop.

I'm not even looking.

Just forgot my highlighters.

Nice wrist technique.

Thank you. Okay, bye.

(bleep).

(beeping)

(beeping)

Hey! I saw that!

Get back here!

(beeping)

(beeping) (bleep)!

(bell chiming)

(bleeps)

God dammit!

(bleep)

Please stand clear of the closing doors.

Stand clear of the doors!

Ass!

Abbi!

Ilana! Yes.

Dude, I can't believe we're actually doing this.

Yes, we're going to--

You know, sometimes the flight is actually my favorite part.

Hit up Hudson News, get some adult magazines.

Looking at boobs is the best way to relax during turbulence.

It's nature's Xanax.

You know, sometimes if I forget the mags,

I look down at my own. What?

Isn't that the whole thing with adult magazines?

Oh, I--

okay, I was talking about adult magazines

like "Real Simple" or "O" or "Dwell."

I was talking about that, too. (baby crying)

Watch this.

(mouthing baby's cries)

(brakes screeching)

Attention, passengers, we'll be stopped

for an undetermined amount of time.

A passenger at the next stop

threw herself on the tracks.

Thank you for your patience.

Jesus, use a bridge.

Selfish.

It's okay. You know what?

I padded the travel time.

We are all good, we're all good.

It's not like we left our passports or anything.

Oh, my God... oh, my God!

I left my passport.

(baby crying)

Okay, it's been 20 minutes.

How long does it take to move a (bleep) body off the tracks?

I'm sorry.

Dude, I (bleep) hate myself.

I am so sorry I left my passport.

I'm a (bleep) baby grown-up.

Do you have any tape?

Do I have any tape?

Yeah, I have tape.

A bunch of different kinds.

Really cute.

Jesus, it stinks.

Bologna?

Ugh, it's unbelievable, right?

It is unbelievable.

So salty.

Okay, so we're gonna get off at the next stop,

Uber to your apartment, and then book it to the airport.

Great, yes, all is good.

All is not good!

It's like 9/11 all over again.

It's 9/11 2!

Return of the 9/11s!

Oh! Oh, my God!

Okay, so if we don't move in the next 30 minutes,

we have to have some sort of escape plan.

You know, I once saw this documentary on Vimeo

about these mole people who live down in the subway.

I bet that they would help us.

We would probably just have to give them our shoes

and cut off a little bit of our hair, but...

we'll get new shoes.

Truly impressed with you at every turn.

It's been 25 minutes!

And counting.

(shrieking)

Okay, I have a fun game. Okay.

Let's say we were stuck in a subway forever,

which is obviously not gonna happen.

Okay. Who would we (bleep)?

Who would we marry? Who would we eat?

All right, I can do that,

'cause I feel like I know a bunch of the answers.

Dude. Def (bleep) him, "Mad Men" style.

Some real standard narrative bull (bleep).

Crusty old dude, hot young girl,

and then I'd Abbi-Jeremy him to even it out.

Peg.

Okay.

Marriage material right there, you know?

Yeah. New Yorker.

Bet she could teach me a thing or two, like,

how to finish an article in the New Yorker.

I think I would marry her.

Wiccan wedding.

First dance to Wicked Wisdom.

Fist! (chuckling)

Uhh, you know...

Okay, I would eat that baby.

Is that terrible of me? No.

I just would. No, it makes perfect sense.

She looks delicious.

You would probably be sparing her a life

of tragedy and terror, living down in the subway.

Plus, I feel like babies are, like,

the most delicious in terms of actual meat.

Desperate times. Calling for desperate measures.

And who are we to judge our post-apocalyptic selves?

What part would you eat first?

Which part is the most tender?

Probably like, the side or the butt.

Dude, let me try something.

Stand up.

Okay.

Dear God.

Please make this subway move.

Ilana, that's not how it works.

You can't just rub my butt, and the train--

(rumbling)

Ow!

Did it again, the power of the butt, bitch.

I'm really happy we didn't have to eat the baby.

Yeah. Happy.

Where are we, dude? It says we're on Sutphin Boulevard

in Queens. Jesus Christ!

Uber surge fare is 12.5.

They really reel you in,

and then they wring you (bleep) dry

with their grubby little paws right around your neck.

Then they make you type in the surge fare again,

it's like, I know... I know what it is.

It is so rude. God.

The ride estimator says it would be approximately...

(chuckling)

$1,200 from here to Gowanus back to JFK.

I hate them. I love them, but I hate them.

Oh, my God. This is a sign.

Yes. Okay, we hotwire that cab,

drive ourselves within walking distance to JFK,

soak it in gasoline, and torch it

so they can't trace it-- let's go.

I was gonna say maybe we could just

knock on the door and see if they could drive us.

Oh, let's try that first.

Okay.

Okay.

Hello. Hello, sir.

I know that this is ridiculous,

but we would like to hire you to drive us in your taxi.

To a few destinations.

I couldn't be more off-duty.

Work is the worst, right? I get that, but listen,

we would not be asking if it was not an emergency.

Please, we're over on our way to a really important trip,

and I'm such a moron,

I forgot my passport, so, I'm in trouble

with the wife, you can understand.

And we can't find any cabs out here in the middle of nowhere.

This beautiful neighborhood, it's gorgeous out here.

Quaint. Lovely, I might look at some--

So sweet. To buy or some-- I don't know, rent, whatever.

Plus, there are good schools around here.

We are begging you.

We just need to get her passport

and then get to JFK, or we're gonna miss our flight

and the trip of a lifetime. Please.

How about...

A crisp $100 bill from my bra?

Okay.

All right, I guess we'll just--

Let's roll.

(tires screeching)

"Fast and Furious" over here.

How old are you?

15.

Okay, we're coming around the corner in five,

four, three...

(honking) Hold on. An old lady is pushing

a baby stroller full of empty cans across the street.

Waiting.

She's almost across.

Okay, now we're coming around the corner.

Can you see my arm? I'm in the cab.

Do you see me? I see you.

Okay, Anhur, slow down,

but don't stop. I gotcha, girl.

Hey! Hi, honey.

Here's your passport-- bye! Thank you.

Yes! To the airport! Love you, Himmelz!

Bye-bye, baby!

Ooh, whoops!

Oh, my brakes! Ay, my brakes!

Ay! Hold me closer, closer, closer.

Yes, ay!

(brakes screeching)

Thank you. Wait, wait, so--

you only get so many important moments in your life,

and you have to grasp them.

Will you go to prom with me?

Both of you? Or one of you?

I don't care-- I think I love you both.

Can you be in love with two people?

Yes, you definitely can.

That is one of the most dangerous misconceptions

about monogamy, but we can't go with you

because you're a literal child.

We're extremely flattered, though.

You clearly have amazing taste.

Yeah, and don't worry,

you're gonna have sex one day.

I've had sex.

Look at all my (bleep) bracelets.

What the (bleep) are (bleep) bracelets?

Kids are terrifying.

Sorry. So sorry.

This is ridiculous. I'm so sorry.

We just have to cut 'cause we forgot our passport!

You know, you can understand.

I'm so sorry, we just gotta slip right past.

Right, right past.

I'm so sorry, I didn't mean that.

Sorry, thank you so much.

Hey. So sorry.

Hey, do you mind if we cut? We're late for a flight.

Oh, yeah, go ahead. Thank you so much.

Okay.

Oh, dude, Ilana, (bleep), dude.

Your period stain.

No, dude, it's an old stain.

It's a red herring, 'cause it's red

and looks like a fish, kinda.

I'm packing. I'm packing heat.

I have weed in my vaginé.

Period pants are the ultimate decoy!

If we get caught at the airport, we're gonna--

Whoa!

This dog is sexually harassing me!

I am so sorry.

Popcorn, get away from her!

Oh!

Oh, my God.

(beep)

(beep)

God! My period pants worked!

Dude, we should Shark Tank period pants, for real!

Okay. Let's roll.

What the (bleep)!

Leave it! I'll leave mine!

No, dude, it's our whole luggage!

There, look! Hey!

Not today, put it down!

Oh, I was just trying to take it to the lost and--

Yeah, sure you were!

Sure! (bleep)!

Sorry!

I'm gonna throw up. Coming through! Coming through!

What a sexy stare you have.

It's scary, too.

Yes!

Wait! We're-- We're going to--

Gate's changed. That flight's back in B-12 now.

Come (bleep) (bleep) on!

Hey, how's it going. Nice shirt.

Come on, come on!

(hissing)

You should have taken the walkway.

So stubborn.

Hey, you grabbed our boards, bro!

Ilana!

I got an extra ticket, let's do this!

Do what, Dale?

What the (bleep) is wrong with you?

Oh! Sorry!

You (bleep) bitch! I didn't mean to hit you.

We are-- we're on this flight.

It hasn't left yet. Please.

I was just trying to get one foot in the door.

It's a shoe, not a foot,

and it hit me, not a door.

The plane is still there, we can still make it,

please, please, just let us on. We're so close.

You know what? Just, just go ahead, yeah.

Thank you so much. Thank you so much.

Thank you so, so much.

We really appreciate it.

We all hate her.

Thank you.

You are two lucky Jews.

We think so, too.

Yes, we did it! Yes, we did it!

Get on the (bleep) plane!

Go!

Oh, my God, we (bleep) made it!

Oh, God, I cannot believe we made it.

This is the longest ramp I've ever been on.

I am so sorry, ladies.

There is no more space in the overhead compartments,

we'll have to check your luggage.

Actually, yours will probably be okay.

So sleek and streamlined.

Lincoln... had really adult taste in luggage.

This is actually a really special bag, too.

It's Drew's. Sorry, this is not your bag?

No, no, no, it's mine-- I packed it.

It's just that Ms. Drew Barrymore

highly recommends this bag.

If you google, in quotes, "Refinery 29,"

in quotes, "Drew Barrymore."

That's amazing.

Unfortunately, Drew Barrymore is

the only person who could carry on something that bulky.

This is gonna have to go under the plane.

Okay, hold on. This bag is the bomb.

Please just let me-- I'm sure there's a spot.

Okay, I'm gonna shut these doors

and take off.

Would you like to come with us?

Mark, can you come get this bag, please?

I'll take your ticket. Thanks.

Do you think it's gonna be okay?

I'm sure your bag is in really...

good hands.

Thanks so much.

Whoa! Nice!

International travel is amazing.

No, this is first class.

We gotta keep going. Oh.

Ms. Fessiwig, champagne or orange juice?

Orange juice it is.

Oh, my God.

I know, who chooses juice over champagne?

Ew, coach.

Hello. Um...

Ilana.

Hi. And...

Abbi. Yes.

I'm Jared. Welcome to Birthmarc.

Surf's up.

Oh, cool.

For the next ten days, we will be traveling

around the holiest place in the world, Israel.

For free!

Gotcha, Jews. Makes no sense.

Well, our beautiful country will teach you all about

Judaism, its rich history,

and I'm looking at the two of you,

its reproductive future.

We're almost home.

I see. Cool.

Jews! Jews! Jews! Jews!

Jews! Jews! Jews! Jews!

Jews! Jews! Jews! Jews!

Jews! Jews! Jews! Jews!

Jews! Jews! Jews! Jews!

Dude, we better not make any new friends on this trip.

It's not about friends. Right.

It's that it's free. It's about Israel.

It's like Africa for Jews.

It's about our souls.

People find their selves in the motherland.

Jews! Jews! All right, ladies.

Where are you seated?

Uh... 5-B. I'm 18-D.

(gasping) No!

No, no, no, no! Oh, my God!

No, no, no, no, no... Wait, hold on.

Okay. Uh, ladies, is there something wrong?

Yes. Jared. What's up?

We love the trip so far.

We would love it even more

if we could sit next to each other.

This is an all-expense paid trip to Israel,

provided by your living ancestors,

so we're seated according to match potential.

Okay. All right.

Okay.

You'll meet somebody very nice, I'm sure.

Hey. I'm Josh.

I'm a junior accountant,

I write short stories in my spare time,

and I'm a tough mudder champion.

What? I'm grieving.

I've just experienced a loss.

Would it kill you to try?

Ugh.

Enchanté.

I miss you.

I miss you!

(both) To be continued.

Jews! Jews! Jews! Jews!

Jews! Jews! Jews! Jews!

Jews! Jews! Jews! Jews! Jews!

Jews! Jews!

Jews! Jews!

Jews! Jews! Jews! Jews!

Jews! Jews! Jews! Jews!