Original subtitles

- Good evening, my victims,

and welcome back to this year's monster marathon with me,

your host, Malvolia, the Queen of Screams.

Tonight we dig up four terrifying tales

of mummies, mad men,

a fun-sized demon,

and all things creepy and crawley

that bump and bite in the night.

So sit back, try to relax,

and enjoy as we begin Malvolia's monster marathon.

- Hello?

Mom?

Oh my God, Caitlin!

- Wow. Take it easy, pussy.

- Why are you always here? Just go!

- I'm just grabbing some of my shit.

- Okay, I know, but you could knock

like a normal person before scaring the shit

out of me in my own house.

- Oh, could I?

That's why I tried calling you five times, asshole.

Maybe you should try answering your phone for me for once.

It's that green button.

- I blocked your number so, so long ago.

- God, you're such a dick.

Congratulations. You're a child.

- I hate you so much.

- What the fuck is this, you asshole?

- No, no.

This took me all day to set up.

You seriously can't just keep showing up

just because you want to. - Oh, hey babe.

Oh, hey, Wes! How you doing, buddy?

Oh, you big goof.

Oh, I'm gonna get you, buster.

- Did you just flip him off?

- No, I didn't just flip him off.

Why would I flip off Leon?

Isn't he like the best guy in the world?

- Why are you such an asshole?

- Why did you leave me for the human hash brown?

- Oh, let me think real hard about it.

He treats me so nice.

- Oh, I bet that, yeah, it's sweet.

- Yeah, and he buys me things.

- Well, that's the most important thing.

- Mmm. Oh, and he has a job.

- At the pool.

- What the fuck is all this shit anyways?

- It's my house of horrors.

- House of whores?

- Horrors, Caitlin, like two syllables.

Don't be an idiot.

- Okay, well, if I'm being honest, it sounds like whores.

- Okay, well, you know what? I'm not six, so.

- Could you come up with something more generic?

This looks likes shit.

- Okay, number one, it's not done yet. Okay?

Number two, uh, shut up.

Number three, um, you don't know anything

about running a business, so you know,

just let me do my thing. - Whatever.

Look, I'll be back a bit later to pick up a few more things.

- Why can't you just go?

- My mom wants me to drop off her dish set,

and I put it on the kitchen counter,

and I need to get it out of here before

your dumb ass breaks it.

- Yeah, like you broke our wedding vows?

Ooh, struck a nerve.

- If I were you, I'd start finding a new place to live.

- Why?

- Because I'm going to take your house.

Have you hired a lawyer yet?

Can you even afford to hire a lawyer?

- Well, I'm gonna be. I, I just-

- Oh, wait. That takes money.

And you don't have any money or a job,

and your little house of whores

isn't gonna do you jack shit.

- Well, at least I'm not dating needle dick.

Yeah.

- Hey.

This guy.

- Get off my porch and knock next time, all right?

- It's always a pleasure.

- What are you doing back here?

- Gee, God, man.

Dude, you scared the hell out of me, man.

- Are you okay, sire?

- I didn't break- - Are you okay, sire?

I'm by your side.

I'm here, sire.

What is your bidding, master?

- Hey, are you okay, man?

- You shouldn't be back here.

- Sorry. I was just, you know,

looking around at all your shit, and saw your mummy.

- He's not for sale.

- Okay, well, you got a sign that says everything,

you know, must go.

- But not him.

He won't be going anywhere.

- Well, I'm doing this haunted house

spook alley thing for Halloween.

He'd really, he'd really be perfect, man.

I mean, it's, it's like a new business I'm doing, you know?

- House of whores?

- It's horrors.

I know it's kind of a shitty name.

I'm gonna, I'll probably, god, that bitch was right.

I'm gonna change it.

I just haven't 'cause-

- You're blessed to live in such a beautiful home.

- Yeah? You think so, huh?

I don't know how blessed I am.

I'm probably gonna be homeless in a week.

- Why is that?

- I mean, you really wanna know?

'Cause I'll tell ya.

My wife and I went to this community pool

and she met one of the guys there and they had sex.

She left me for him.

Man, that sucks.

It sounds so pathetic when I say it out loud, but Jesus.

So anyway, yeah, she moved out.

I got really drunk one night and I put up

a bunch of shit online that I shouldn't have posted.

And she saw it and emailed it to my boss,

who immediately fired me, and I got canceled.

And so that sucked. And so, lost my job.

And she threatened today, she told me she's gonna,

she's gonna take the house.

No, there's no source of income,

which is where the business came in.

And I'm just talking to myself right now.

You don't give a shit.

I'm gonna go, so you just,

you and your mummy have a good fuckin' day.

- He thinks he can help you.

- Well, what does that mean?

- I understand, sire.

I understand.

I've been at this shop for 20 years.

I think it's time for him to have a new home.

- So I can, I can have him?

I mean, honestly, thanks, man.

I promise I'll give him a great home.

Like I was saying, you know, like in this spook alley.

You know, so.

How do I- - Tomorrow's Halloween.

- Yeah.

- I'd be careful with him around midnight.

- Yeah, okay. I'll do that.

Okay. Oh my god, here.

Okay.

Okay, over here.

Oh.

Okay.

Holy shit.

Come on.

Okay, here.

- On Halloween night,

the mummy comes for your soul.

You must do as I say.

Follow your master.

The mummy walks at midnight.

- You are just what this place needed.

- On Halloween night the mummy

comes for your soul.

You must do what I say.

Follow your master.

The mummy walks at midnight.

On Halloween night the mummy

comes for your soul.

You must do as I say.

Follow your master.

The mummy walks at midnight.

- Ah! Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

Oh, god!

Oh, shit.

How's he gonna get in? How's he gonna get in?

- What the fuck are you doing in here?

- Caitlin, Caitlin.

Get in. Close the door.

- The last place I'm going is in the closet with you.

What the fuck are you wearing?

Okay, where's my mom's dishes?

- Shh! He'll hear you. Okay, listen.

I went to that thrift store the other night

and I bought a mummy and I woke up last night

and now it's walkin' up and down the stairs.

- Okay, where's my fuckin' dishes?

- I can explain the dishes. Okay, listen.

Okay, this mummy is real.

It's got big, red eyes and big-

- What the fuck? - Get in the closet.

- What are you doing? Don't you touch me!

Do you have any idea how expensive those dishes are?

- I can explain the dishes!

- My mom is gonna rip your dick off.

- Okay, what else is new?

Okay, just get the fuck in the closet right now, okay?

I swear to god it's gonna kill us both.

If you don't get in here with me right now-

- Wes, I want you to listen to me

for one last time, okay?

I want you to wrap

your tiny, little pea brain around this information

I'm going to tell you.

- Caitlin, get in the closet.

- I think you are a pathetic,

worthless sub-human piece of shit.

- Caitlin.

- Marrying you was by far the worst decision

I have ever made. - Get in the closet.

- Because I have been a part of not just one,

but two fucking pyramid schemes.

- Look! Look! Just look behind you!

Caitlin, get in the fuckin' closet.

- I'm going to take your car

and I'm going to take your house

and I'm going to take everything-

- And by the time I am done with you,

you will probably be sucking dick

for money on the street.

Fuck.

- Caitlin?

You son of a bitch! Ah!

- Oh! Hey, Wes!

How you doin', buddy? Nice PJs.

- Leon, you stupid idiot. - Whoa, hey, hey.

What did we say about the name calling, huh?

- Leon, Leon, just move your fucking ass, okay?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, buddy.

- Look, listen, listen to me right now, okay?

Okay, there's a fucking mummy in there right now.

I'm not making this up, okay?

I went to that thrift store up the street,

the Green Gypsy. - Okay.

- Listen to me right now! - Now, now, now, now, now.

This is exactly what I'm talkin' about.

I mean, you never give me a chance.

I mean, I'm actually a pretty cool guy

if you'll just listen to me every once in awhile,

and, you know-

- Leon, Leon, shut the fuck up.

Did you not hear what I just said to you?

Okay, I went to that thrift store up the street

and this fuckin' weird ass dude sold me a mummy.

I brought it home, it came to life,

and it just killed Caitlin!

Leon, she is dead on the floor, okay?

It just ripped her guts out of her ass!

- Okay, now, now, I wanted to talk to you about something.

Now, Caitlin didn't want me to do this,

but I know that you've been struggling.

I think I can get you a job at my work.

- Leon, what in god's name is wrong with you?

I don't wanna work at the fuckin' pool.

I don't wanna be around you. I hate you.

- You don't have to accept right now,

but the offer always stands, okay, champ?

- Leon, do not go in there.

- Okay, okay, okay.

- Leon! Leon! You fucking idiot!

- I know I'm gonna walk in

on a little Halloween prank, right?

Whoa!

I should've known that you and Caitlin

were gonna pull this shiz on me.

Oh no! You really worked on this place, Wes.

Nice job. Whoa!

- Leon, no! Don't go in there, Leon!

- Oh my golly.

That looks so incredibly fake!

- Leon, it's not fake!

She's dead!

- Oh, geez!

Whoa, cool mummy, though, guy, huh?

Ah!

Okay, Caitlin. Ha ha.

Enough of this crud.

Happy Halloween.

You know, that actually looks pretty good, Wes.

Is that corn syrup?

Oh my god. - Leon, they're real.

Leon, no.

Put it down.

- No corn syrup.

Caitlin?

Honey?

Jesus fucking Christ!

Oh no! Oh no!

- Leon?

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Leon?

You stupid idiot!

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Oh!

- On Halloween night

the mummy comes for your soul.

- I see the time has come.

Oh, sire.

Release my soul.

- Hello, sire.

What would you have me do?

- Hey, it's all yours.

- Oh, thanks.

- I moved most of the stuff

up to the attic like they asked.

They won't be back till late.

- Okay.

That's the kitchen.

That's living room.

And that...

Hmm.

Well, that's pretty cool.

Mmm.

Oh, shit!

- Okay, so are you like about ready to leave?

Or what's that?

- Uh, yeah.

I'm just finishing up my makeup, so I'll be leaving soon.

- Okay, well, hey, do you have the sword?

Because my costume needs that.

- Yes, my prince. I have your sword.

- Okay, thank God.

I'm trying to get this stupid crown to stay on my head.

- Just use packing tape or something.

- Okay.

Let's see.

- Hey, you wanna hear a real Halloween story?

- Yeah, sure.

- So the house I was covering today, it was super spooky.

I guess the previous owners had a son who was so deranged

that they locked him in the attic

and tried to burn the house down.

- Lennox Lockhart?

- Yeah, that's the one.

I kept hearing bumps and noises while I was in there

bringing in the boxes and stuff,

and I was like, nope, fuck that.

I'm out of here.

- Yeah. I mean, I don't know.

It's probably just rumors.

They never found the body or anything.

Did you leave yet?

- Pretty soon.

I'm just waiting for Jason to call me to tell me

that the homeowners got there okay

and everything's in order.

If you want, you can leave.

- Okay. Well, I mean. - Oh, shoot.

- I guess I, wait, what's wrong?

Oh, hey Heather? Hello?

- I forgot to leave them the extra set of keys.

- Oh, well, I mean, that's okay.

I'm sure that they have extras.

- Well just go ahead and leave. I'll meet you there.

The house is right next door,

so I can just drop 'em off really quick

and I'll be there as soon as I can.

- Okay. Well, hey, don't forget my sword.

- You know, it's not bad for a fixer upper.

The movers did a pretty good job.

- Yeah, they must have gotten done early.

- I didn't see a spare key anywhere though.

- It might be upstairs.

So what do you wanna be for Halloween?

- Wait here and I'll show you.

- Okay.

All right, I'm coming up.

- Wait, I'm not ready yet.

- Too late. Here I come.

- Okay, well close your eyes or somethin'.

- How am I supposed to close my eyes

if I'm walking up the stairs?

- It's supposed to be a surprise.

Surprise!

- Okay, stop!

- Hello?

I'm sorry you intrude, but I have your keys.

Anyone home?

Patrick?

Christine?

I'm just gonna leave these on the counter for you.

Sorry to bother you.

I, uh, I meant to come by sooner.

- Bakersfield Police Department.

What is your emergency?

- Yes, my name is Heather Campbell.

I need to report a murder.

- A murder? - Yes, a murder!

- This isn't some kind

of Halloween prank, is it? - What? No!

My neighbors were murdered and I saw the killer.

- You did? - It was Lennox Lockhart.

- All right, do not call again unless

this is a serious emergency. - No, listen to me.

I witnessed the murder and Lennox Lockhart-

- Lennox Lockhart has been dead for years.

This is an emergency number.

Again, do not call unless it's a serious emergency.

Happy Halloween. - Wait! No, I'm telling you!

Hello?

Hello?

Shit.

Stay away from me.

Please.

Please don't hurt me.

I didn't do anything.

Okay, Heather.

You're gonna be fine.

You're gonna be okay.

You'll be just fine.

- Anybody else want any candy?

- Nah, I'm good.

- I can't believe you stole that kid's candy.

- Hey, I saved his fat ass life.

Don't want him to get diabetes, do you?

- Wow, Cody, you are such a good person.

And where do you find space to put

all the humanitarian awards you won?

- Over at your house.

You know that shelf right above your mom's bed?

She likes to look at it while I'm doing her.

- So classy. What a guy.

- So, what do you guys wanna do tonight?

- I don't know.

Cody already egged tons of houses

and stole a bag of candy from some kid,

so what else is there to do?

- Yeah, it's been a perfect for Halloween so far, hasn't it?

- Yeah, I don't think that kid would agree with you, but.

- Who cares? Screw 'em.

- "The Evil Death" is playing at the movie palace tonight.

We could go check that out.

- The original or the remake?

- Um, the remake, I think.

- Ass.

- Well then what do you guys wanna do?

- I got an idea.

- There's a first time for everything.

- Shut up.

- Dude, do we even wanna know?

- I think we should go mess with Old Man Gross.

- Who?

- I don't know, guys.

- Come on, man. It'd be fun.

Besides, someone always fucks with him on Halloween.

It's like a tradition around here.

- Who is he?

- How do you not know who he is?

You been living under a rock or somethin'?

- Hey, I just moved here, what?

A few months ago? I never heard of him.

- He's an old man that lives just down the street from here.

He used to be a wood shop teacher back in the day.

And actually my dad had him when he was a freshman.

- Mine did, too.

He's a real bastard.

Mean as hell and always made his students so miserable.

- Hell, he did more than that.

He was constantly picking on that one girl.

Heather something.

- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Heather Bates. Heather Bates.

- Yeah, that's it, that's it. - Yeah, poor thing.

- Happened to her?

- Well, Gross singled her out for some unknown reason.

And I mean, he was always meaner to her

than any of the other students.

That's what my dad told me.

And one day she decided she couldn't take it anymore.

- So what did she do?

- Slit her throat from ear to ear.

- Oh, god.

How can someone do that to themselves?

- I know, right? It's crazy.

It's crazy.

Actually, Gross got fired after it came out

that she killed herself because of what he was doing to her.

And after that, I don't think he ever taught again.

- You say that like it's a bad thing.

- So that was it? He just lost his job?

He didn't go to jail for being the reason

she killed herself?

- Well, I mean, things were different back then, so.

- If he pulled something like that now, he'd be locked up.

- I think we put a burning bag of dog shit

on the porch and ring the doorbell.

- I don't know.

I don't think that's a good idea, guys.

- Come on man.

Man, you can't say the weirdo don't deserve it.

- He is an asshole. - See?

- My dad said that he threatened to put his hand

in a bandsaw after he accidentally broke it.

- Yeah, I've actually heard more than one horror story

about him from my dad, too.

My dad told me he used to cry every single day.

No lie, every day, before his class,

because he was just that freaked out by him.

- Okay, so let's make the motherfucker pay for that then.

- I don't know.

- Come on, man. Let's fuck up his night.

- It could be fun.

Besides, what else is there to do?

- Fine, fine, fine.

I guess I'm into get a little payback

for my dad if nothing else, right?

I mean, what do you think, Ryder?

- What the hell?

It's Halloween and he does sound like an asshole.

- Yes, cool!

All right, let's go then!

- But wait, where are we gonna find a bag of dog shit?

- Already got it covered.

- Dude. That reeks.

What the? - Yeah.

I picked it up off the yard earlier.

Fed our dog some Hormel chili last night,

so it should be extra nasty and stinky today.

- You mean to tell me that you've been walking

all night with a bag of dog shit in your backpack?

- Yeah. Why? What's wrong with that?

- Nevermind. Let's just go do this.

- Wait. Hold on, wait!

- No candy again this year?

Jerk.

- I see he's not a fan of Halloween.

- Yeah, I don't think he's a fan of anything.

- I wonder if he hands out razor blades

in candy apples to the trick or treaters?

- I'm sure he would if he could get away with it.

- Dude, do y'all know who that was?

- My god. Tammy Duncan's mom?

- Who's Tammy Duncan's mom?

- She's some skank that bangs dudes

for grocery money and stuff.

- Holy shit!

Gross got himself a hooker.

Dude, he's gonna get some!

- Ew! I don't wanna think about that.

- Change of plans.

I just got a great idea.

- Oh, Lord.

- Two ideas in the same night?

He is truly the son of the apocalypse.

- Oh, fuckin' blow me, man.

- No thanks.

- Maybe later.

- Okay, okay, so what is this so-called great idea

that you have now?

- Let's get a picture of them doing it.

- Ew! Why would we wanna do that?

- Because it would be fuckin' funny!

Come on. We could post it all over the internet.

- Eh, I don't know.

Do you really want to see his nasty old dick and balls?

- No, but it'd be fuckin' hilarious.

Come on, we'd be legends when everyone found out

that we posted it. - No!

Don't you realize that we can get in a shitload of trouble?

- This is a golden opportunity.

We'd be crazy to pass this up. Come on!

- Yeah, I guess it would be pretty funny.

All right, I'm in, I'm in. - Let's go!

- Me too, as long as I don't have to take the picture.

I do not wanna see his junk. - Same here.

- Look, it's one thing top ut a bag of dog shit

on the porch, but this?

We could get in- - Then go home then.

No one's twisting your damn arm.

Look guys, we're doing this.

Come on, guys.

- I'll call you later, okay?

- Okay.

Okay, wait.

Okay, so now what? - Shh! Dumb ass.

You'll get us caught. - Sorry, gosh.

- What the hell is that?

- I don't know.

It sounds like it's coming from the basement.

- Yeah, I don't know. Cody?

Cody!

Tori!

Shit.

Where'd they go?

- I don't know.

Probably trying to find a place to screw around.

- Right here? Now?

Sick bastard.

- This was such a dumb idea.

- Yeah, all of Cody's ideas are dumb,

but it is something to do, I guess.

- Yeah, well I could at least, I don't know,

think of a hundred other things to do.

- Facts.

But obviously Gross and Tammy's mom

are down in the basement.

Let's go get a photo of them so we can

get the hell outta here.

Come on.

- Bingo.

- You can't be serious. You wanna do it in here?

In his room? - Come on, baby.

Where's your sense of adventure?

- Yours is apparently in your pants.

- You want it though, right?

- I want a lot of things.

- Neil Armstrong ain't got nothing on me, baby.

- I guess this is it.

You ready?

- Yeah, let's just get this over with.

It's creepy down here.

- Yeah, and what basement have you seen

that wasn't creepy? - Touche.

- Wow, Gross is into some freaky shit.

- Help me!

Help me before he comes back!

Help me! Help me, please!

Help me!

Help me!

Help me! Help me!

- Are those body parts? - Help me!

Help me. Help me.

No, no, no, no.

Please, no.

- Let's go! Get out of here now!

Let's go, motherfucker.

- One small step for man,

one giant leap for mankind, huh, baby?

- You're so stupid.

- Tori, Cody, where are you?

- What the hell, Ryder? You scared the shit outta me.

- Houston, we have a problem.

- We have to go! He's in the basement.

He just killed the hooker

and Dylan is still down there.

- Wait. What? Who killed the hooker?

- I don't know, but we have to go before he finds us.

- Nice one, Ryder. Happy Halloween.

- Yeah, you and Dylan come up with this yourselves?

- I'm not kidding. This isn't a prank.

We have to go before he kills us.

- All right, Ryder.

Let's go before the boogeyman gets us.

All right, where's his basement?

- It's through the kitchen,

but you don't wanna go down there.

- Whatever. I'm gonna go check it out.

- Wait, why are you gonna go?

Don't do that.

- You know they're probably just pulling a prank

again like they always do.

So where's Old Man Gross?

The killer get him too or what?

Jesus, man!

Nice costume, though.

Your mother help you put this together

or you do it yourself?

Shit, look like you got some blood on you.

Too bad it looks like ketchup.

What the fuck?

- Let's get out of here.

- What are you doing? Open the fucking door!

- It won't open!

- Oh my god, he's coming!

Hurry! - God!

- Oh, god!

- You want us? Come get us, you son of a bitch!

- Please don't hurt me! Don't hurt me!

Please don't!

Please don't kill me! I'm sorry!

Please don't hurt me!

Please don't hurt me! I'm sorry.

Just please let me go.

Please, I won't do anything!

- Stay away from me, freak!

No! No!

No! Stop!

No! Stop! No!

No! No!

Oh my god.

Help!

Help!

Oh my god. Help! Help!

Why are you doing this?

- Because I have to.

Actually, I want to.

I enjoy it.

It's therapeutic.

Takes my mind off of all my worries.

- Please don't kill me!

- Now dance. - What?

- I'm not gonna ask you again.

I said dance. - You're crazy!

- You haven't seen crazy.

Now dance!

That's it. - No!

Ow!

Ow.

- I said dance.

- Oh, god.

Ow!

- Dance.

You know, you remind me of her.

Heather.

She was my first.

I wish I'd taken my time with her,

'cause I killed her way too quickly.

But I'm not gonna make that same mistake with you.

- Please just let me go!

Please.

Please don't kill me.

- I won't. Not yet, at least.

We're gonna have a little fun first, you and I,

and I'm eager to begin.

- No! No!

- Gail, where are you? Did you get it?

- Yes!

- Please tell me you did.

- Yes, I got it.

Just please hurry the hell up and be ready when I get there.

This thing is really starting to creep me out.

- Okay. How long?

- Like 10 minutes. I'm on Morgan Road.

Ow.

Just pleas hurry up, okay?

- So you're, you're sure this is right?

- Yeah, that's it.

- Jesus Christ. Is that blood on it?

- Yeah, it's mine.

- Oh my God. Are you okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine. - What happened?

- I cut myself going over the fence

to get the god damn thing.

That shit is sharper than it looks.

- That looks like a mess. Let me go get you something.

- I said I'm fine, okay?

I just about killed myself trying to get this thing here,

so let's end this shit once and for all right now.

That's what we're all here for, right?

- Right.

- Here it goes. Halloween night.

The night that all bets are off.

The night that the dead, good and bad,

can walk the earth.

- And we have free reign to send them back to hell.

- So we gonna do this?

Or are we just gonna sit here and fake the tough shit?

- Nothin' fake here.

- Just make sure you guys don't get too trigger happy

before I get in the clear, okay?

- We got it under control.

You just worry about your part and bring it out.

- Sure thing.

- You see anything?

- I'm not looking in there.

- Are you sure you grabbed the right box?

- Jesus Christ, I wish I had a gun, too.

- I blame your dad. - So do I.

- I don't get it. We did everything right.

Where the hell is it?

- Maybe we just need a little incentive.

- What?

- Ah, god damn it.

- Oh, holy shit, Kelly. What the fuck?

- Fate.

Come on out, you son of a bitch!

- Oh my god. Gail!

Oh my god.

- Well, my victims,

this unfortunately is the demise

of this year's Halloween monster marathon.

Join us on the next All Hallow's Eve

as we resurrect more fiendishly frightful flicks

for your devilish delight.

Until then...

pleasant nightmares.

Subs by Sladjan Lazarevic Beli Manastir, Hrvatska. 2024.