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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:52,160 --> 00:01:53,100 Sting! 2 00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:55,202 Sting, open up! It's Bieber! 3 00:01:56,120 --> 00:01:58,300 Sting! Come on! Sting! 4 00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:00,687 It's Bieber, bro! Open the door! 5 00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:02,407 Oh, fudge! 6 00:02:16,240 --> 00:02:17,740 You can't kill us all. 7 00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:19,729 We will protect the Chosen One. 8 00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:43,086 Peace out, world. Peace out. 9 00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:05,460 Valentina, he was pronounced dead 13 minutes ago. 10 00:04:05,560 --> 00:04:07,085 I can't believe it. 11 00:04:07,320 --> 00:04:10,210 Justin Bieber? No. 12 00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:15,562 The sixth pop star to die in the last year. 13 00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:20,162 And all with that look. 14 00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:24,001 As if they were trying to tell us something. 15 00:04:24,760 --> 00:04:26,285 That look. 16 00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:33,163 There's only one person on Earth who would know how to interpret this look. 17 00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:35,180 It's a dead end, Valentina. 18 00:04:35,280 --> 00:04:37,169 No one has seen that man in years. 19 00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:40,809 Then God help us all. 20 00:04:54,840 --> 00:04:56,285 Shocking. Stupefying. 21 00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:59,100 Something out of a Hollywood disaster movie. 22 00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:01,380 Just a few of the ways New Yorkers described 23 00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:04,165 what happened today as Derek Zoolander's 24 00:05:04,280 --> 00:05:05,820 Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good 25 00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:08,740 and Who Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good, Too 26 00:05:08,840 --> 00:05:11,420 literally collapsed into the East River 27 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:14,205 only two days after its official opening. 28 00:05:14,560 --> 00:05:16,562 Students and teachers were evacuated. 29 00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:20,620 And while Zoolander and his son Derek Jr. were unharmed, 30 00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:23,740 sadly, his wife, Matilda Jeffries-Zoolander, 31 00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:26,161 has reportedly died. 32 00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:31,084 I just feel lucky no one from my family was hurt! 33 00:05:32,760 --> 00:05:34,603 She was crushed by the book? 34 00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:38,060 A vigil is being held tonight 35 00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:41,500 for the other chisel-cheeked lion of the modeling kingdom, 36 00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:43,820 Hansel, who is reported to have sustained 37 00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:47,020 permanent injury to his breathtaking face 38 00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:49,620 afterbeing trapped beneath a burning beam. 39 00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:52,140 Although authorities are still investigating, 40 00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:54,500 the cause of the disaster is believed to be 41 00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:57,180 Zoolander's mind-boggling decision 42 00:05:57,280 --> 00:05:59,220 to build the reading center 43 00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:02,449 out of the actual materials that were used to construct 44 00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:05,649 the original architectural model. 45 00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:08,020 Clothing designer Jacob Moogberg, 46 00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:09,860 AKA Jacobim Mugatu 47 00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:12,660 was sentenced today to two consecutive life terms 48 00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:15,340 in a maximum security fashion prison 49 00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:17,540 for his role in the attempted assassination 50 00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:19,140 of the Malaysian Prime Minister. 51 00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:20,900 His co-conspirator, modeling agent 52 00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:23,380 Maury Ballstein, turned state's witness... 53 00:06:23,480 --> 00:06:26,300 I'll give you anything you want on that fakakta fink. 54 00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:30,166 ...in exchange for relocation in the Witness Protection Program. 55 00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:34,460 Back in the news tonight, former model, negligent builder, 56 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:37,220 now unfit parent, Derek Zoolander. 57 00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:41,900 This footage was taken by a neighbor across from Zoolander's SoHo loft. 58 00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:44,606 D.J., how did Mommy make it soft? 59 00:06:46,160 --> 00:06:49,900 The Child Protection Agency removed Zoolander's son, Derek Jr. 60 00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:54,688 late last night in a daring midnight raid placing him in the custody of the state. 61 00:06:56,600 --> 00:06:57,900 Which is why it pains me to say 62 00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:00,526 that effective immediately, I will retire from modeling 63 00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:04,562 and live alone as a hermit crab. 64 00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:08,283 I will now be anonymous and known only as... 65 00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:10,206 Eric 66 00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:12,081 Toolander. 67 00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:17,580 And finally tonight, here's something to make you feel old. 68 00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:19,020 Incredible as it may sound, 69 00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:22,940 of the over 3.7 million high school graduates this year 70 00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:26,420 less than 2% could tell you what a fax machine is, 71 00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:31,367 name a Caucasian President, or know who Derek Zoolander was. 72 00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:34,451 Was... Was... Was... 73 00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:14,730 Go away. 74 00:08:15,400 --> 00:08:17,660 Derek! Open up, it's me. 75 00:08:17,760 --> 00:08:19,780 I'm sorry, traveler, you must have lost your way. 76 00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:21,700 No one lives here by that name. 77 00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:24,260 Right. Sorry. I mean, Eric. 78 00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:25,691 I've got your mail. 79 00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:41,122 Billy Zane. It's been years. 80 00:08:41,760 --> 00:08:44,020 Where's my regular mailperson, Ingvar? 81 00:08:44,120 --> 00:08:45,340 He couldn't make it. 82 00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:47,966 I was in the neighborhood, I thought I'd stop by. 83 00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:50,645 Got your Netflix. 84 00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:54,500 Jack Ryan 85 00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:56,140 and Jack Reacher. 86 00:08:56,240 --> 00:08:58,163 Tonight's gonna be a total Jack-off. 87 00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:00,970 You have something else here. 88 00:09:03,680 --> 00:09:04,681 What is it? 89 00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:06,291 Open it. 90 00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:24,644 Gryootings, Derek Zoolownder. 91 00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:27,162 Are you a Boxtroll? 92 00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:29,260 That's Alexanya Atoz, 93 00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:31,900 owner of the largest fashion empire in the world. 94 00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:37,006 Because you are one of the world's true fishion icons, 95 00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:42,326 I have personal selected you to come to Rome... 96 00:09:43,120 --> 00:09:45,540 The Eturnanal Cyootee... 97 00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:48,380 To muddel my nyouest colleeauction 98 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:51,484 by my hoottest now designer... 99 00:09:51,920 --> 00:09:54,287 Doon Atari. 100 00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:56,121 Who? 101 00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:57,900 Don Atari. 102 00:09:58,000 --> 00:09:59,580 He's "it" in fashion right now. 103 00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:01,489 People would die to be in his show. 104 00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:03,291 I can't. 105 00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:05,643 I'm a hermit crab now. 106 00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:08,804 - Gryootings, Derek Zoolownder. - I already told you! 107 00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:10,888 It's like you're not even listening to me! 108 00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:18,326 Derek... 109 00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:20,845 Eric. 110 00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:24,887 Maybe it's time to engage with the world again. 111 00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:28,100 Think about it, man. This could be a sign. 112 00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:30,726 And what if it's a stop sign, Billy? 113 00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:35,290 I used to be a successful model/fashion icon. 114 00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:38,806 Now, I'm just a model/failure. 115 00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:43,002 Slash-guy who is still a model/father. 116 00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:45,140 Slash-guy who killed his wife 117 00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:47,891 using cheap building materials that collapsed on her. 118 00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:53,203 Slash-guy who has got to stop beating himself up about that! 119 00:10:53,720 --> 00:10:55,620 Slash-guy who couldn't make spaghetti soft 120 00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:56,820 so they took away his son, 121 00:10:56,920 --> 00:10:59,400 so-slash-now he's alone and hiding from the world. 122 00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:02,241 Slash. 123 00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:07,806 Slash-have you ever even tried to get your son back? 124 00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:12,540 You can do that? 125 00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:16,100 Yeah. You'd hire a litigator, he files the appropriate paperwork... 126 00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:18,282 But I don't even know where he is. 127 00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:20,285 First things first. 128 00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:24,820 If you take this job that Alexanya's offering you, 129 00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:26,500 you could prove to Child Services 130 00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:29,410 that you're a productive member of society again. 131 00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:32,681 Go to Rome. 132 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:35,371 Find yourself. 133 00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:38,925 Become the father you were meant to be 134 00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:41,967 and get your boy back. 135 00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:56,004 Safe journey, my friend! 136 00:11:57,800 --> 00:11:59,325 Thanks, Billy! 137 00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:50,365 What have you got? 138 00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:00,688 Ball and chain not happy. 139 00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:14,046 Sorry I'm late! Oh, my gosh. 140 00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:16,500 I was finishing up Shavasana 141 00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:19,620 and this sandstorm kicked up out of nowhere. 142 00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:21,210 I'm okay, though. 143 00:13:22,080 --> 00:13:24,003 Natalka, you look beautiful. 144 00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:25,727 Really? 145 00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:27,571 Yes, really. 146 00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:30,210 Dinner is ruined! 147 00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:34,780 Guys, I told you not to wait for me, didn't I? 148 00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:36,484 Remember, we talked about this. 149 00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:38,809 Can't we just take it slow? 150 00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:42,806 When I met you guys two years ago, it was the best orgy of my life. 151 00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:46,409 Let's get back to that feeling. It's there. 152 00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:49,845 Hansel. 153 00:13:51,840 --> 00:13:54,525 Every relationship has to evolve. 154 00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:58,204 And somehow, you've managed to stay the same. 155 00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:01,660 But you're gonna have to change, my man. 156 00:14:01,760 --> 00:14:03,649 'Cause change, she is a-comin'. 157 00:14:04,440 --> 00:14:05,441 What? 158 00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:14,685 Natalka. 159 00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:22,045 All of you? 160 00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:29,602 How is this even possible? 161 00:14:29,920 --> 00:14:31,684 We thought you'd be happy. 162 00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:34,340 Well, I am happy. 163 00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:35,780 That... 164 00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:39,282 It's just a lot to process, and that's what I'm doing. 165 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:43,800 To be honest, I've never seen myself in this role, you know, as a... 166 00:14:44,120 --> 00:14:45,485 You mean a father? 167 00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:48,121 Well... I... 168 00:14:49,520 --> 00:14:50,700 Let me... I want to check on... 169 00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:52,484 On the camel here! 170 00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:03,404 Who am I? 171 00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:08,164 Who am I? 172 00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:10,131 Hey, Hansel! 173 00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:15,011 Billy Zane? 174 00:15:16,160 --> 00:15:17,525 Got your Netflix. 175 00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:20,171 And this. 176 00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:43,900 - Thanks very much. - No, it's my bag. 177 00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:45,100 Excuse me, I think that's... 178 00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:47,420 No, trust me, this is my bag. 179 00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:49,900 - Just look at the ticket right here. - Hansel. 180 00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:51,540 Never heard of him, honcho. 181 00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:54,246 Look right here at the ticket and you can see that... 182 00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:57,883 Derek Zoolander. 183 00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:02,844 Hi. It's been a long time. 184 00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:05,408 Yeah. Not long enough. 185 00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:09,729 Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I should peace. 186 00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:11,580 Wait a minute! 187 00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:12,940 We haven't seen each other since... 188 00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:16,044 Since the building you designed fell on my face and ruined my career? 189 00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:17,740 Yeah, it's been a while. 190 00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:19,700 It was an accident. I didn't mean to... 191 00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:22,940 You didn't mean to build the support beams out of popsicle sticks 192 00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:24,980 and highly-flammable rubber cement? 193 00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:26,340 That was just a little accident? 194 00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:27,441 Yeah. 195 00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:30,761 This is it. Forever. 196 00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:32,340 Because I promise you, 197 00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:35,660 this is the last time we will ever see each other. 198 00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:37,364 Right here, this moment. 199 00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:39,608 Good-bye forever. 200 00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:41,644 Works for me. 201 00:16:54,520 --> 00:16:57,300 Hope you're not an epiplectic, because we're about to get blinded. 202 00:16:57,400 --> 00:16:58,890 Yep. Here we go. 203 00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:03,205 Susan Boyle, right here! 204 00:17:05,120 --> 00:17:06,660 Take a picture of that! 205 00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:08,125 Vultures! 206 00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:12,980 I guess with my beard and your disgusting face, 207 00:17:13,080 --> 00:17:14,340 they don't know who we are. 208 00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:16,124 Derek! Hansel! 209 00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:18,446 Hey, boys. I'm Vip. 210 00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:22,020 - Vip? - Yeah. 211 00:17:22,120 --> 00:17:24,260 I'm in charge of social media for Don Atari. 212 00:17:24,360 --> 00:17:26,020 I've been working for him since I was 10. 213 00:17:26,120 --> 00:17:27,485 How old are you now? 214 00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:30,127 Eleven. Should we go to the hotel? 215 00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:49,085 Pretty strange, you and I both getting called back to the big stage like this. 216 00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:52,649 A gig's a gig. I'm just doing this to get my son back. 217 00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:56,740 Explain how doing a fashion show's gonna accomplish that. 218 00:17:56,840 --> 00:17:59,844 Simple. Child Services hears I'm working again, 219 00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:04,100 KKK, a responsible parent, and they give me my son back. 220 00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:06,043 Responsible parent? 221 00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:07,860 What? You don't think I could be one? 222 00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:10,780 No, it just brings up some junk from the past. 223 00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:13,804 I didn't have a father. It's kind of my big issue right now. 224 00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:15,580 You didn't have a father? 225 00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:19,890 Nah. All my mom ever told me was my dad was a beat cop. 226 00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:23,140 Always on the road. 227 00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:25,527 The road away from little Hansel. 228 00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:37,363 Valentina. You're going to want to see this. 229 00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:47,326 Check out Mr. Disco Barry Gibb. 230 00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:52,404 Zoolander is in Rome? 231 00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:05,220 Welcome to the Palazzo D'Caca. 232 00:19:05,320 --> 00:19:09,006 The entire hotel is biodegradable and made from reclaimed human waste. 233 00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:13,931 This is the ultra-exclusive, fully-toxic, Zero-Footprint Suite. 234 00:19:14,440 --> 00:19:16,420 The masseuses at the spa are all homeless. 235 00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:19,205 And the hotel has complimentary farm-to-table Wi-Fi. 236 00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:21,291 Wait... We're rooming together? 237 00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:24,340 There must be some mistake. 238 00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:26,727 - I'll call Billy Zane. - Good idea. 239 00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:30,900 Look, tiny phone! That is so retro. 240 00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:32,490 I'm gonna take a picture of it with my phone. 241 00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:34,890 This is Billy Zane. I'm not here right... 242 00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:38,086 Well, Don Atari is waiting for you down in the lobby. 243 00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:40,680 And don't drink the water or you'll die. 244 00:19:44,720 --> 00:19:46,927 - I just have one question. - Yeah? 245 00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:51,124 What in the world is farm-to-table Wi-Fi? 246 00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:52,500 You're asking me? 247 00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:54,860 Muchacho, I have no idea. 248 00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:56,540 - For serious? - No! 249 00:19:56,640 --> 00:19:58,780 Because when Vip said that, you had this look on your face, like, 250 00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:00,644 "I totally know what farm-to-table Wi-Fi is!" 251 00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:03,020 I was acting cool 'cause I thought you knew. 252 00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:04,460 I thought you knew! 253 00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:07,404 No, I just didn't want Vip to think I was uncool! 254 00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:11,647 I miss not knowing things with you. 255 00:20:11,880 --> 00:20:15,407 Yeah. Me, too. Why didn't we do this sooner? 256 00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:16,900 Because we've both been in hiding 257 00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:19,480 since the day I killed my wife and permanently disfigured you. 258 00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:21,603 Yeah, that's probably it. 259 00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:25,500 That was the day I lost the fire. 260 00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:26,965 The fire? 261 00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:29,363 The fire in my face. 262 00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:33,020 It's kind of my big issue right now. 263 00:20:33,120 --> 00:20:36,020 You still got it, D-Zone. You're Derek Zoolander. 264 00:20:36,120 --> 00:20:39,203 You stopped a Chinese throwing star in mid-air with a look. 265 00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:43,606 I was there. 266 00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:46,620 That's not me anymore. 267 00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:47,980 Yes, it is. 268 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,765 Hey, flash me that beautiful look. 269 00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:53,060 Give me that incredible Magnum. 270 00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:54,161 No! 271 00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:57,380 - Think fast. Magnum. - Wait, no! 272 00:20:57,480 --> 00:20:58,641 Magnum! Now! 273 00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:02,809 Come on! You got this, but you got to focus! 274 00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:06,380 - Come on! - Hansel, stop! 275 00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:08,260 You got this! Yeah! 276 00:21:08,360 --> 00:21:09,900 Maybe we could try a wash cloth? 277 00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:11,684 - Tequila! - Hansel, no! 278 00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:15,361 No! It's not working! 279 00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:17,526 You're right. 280 00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:24,648 What happened to us? 281 00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:28,209 You mean me. 282 00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:31,260 You still have it. 283 00:21:31,360 --> 00:21:32,660 No, I don't. 284 00:21:32,760 --> 00:21:35,240 Look at this face. It's a horror show. 285 00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:42,780 Come on, Hansel. It can't be that bad. 286 00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:44,245 It is. 287 00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:46,410 - Take off your mask. - No. 288 00:21:46,520 --> 00:21:50,241 No way. No one's ever seen me without this mask. 289 00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:51,600 And no one ever will. 290 00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:55,083 I think I know the real you. 291 00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:58,246 And it has nothing to do with the way you look. 292 00:21:59,080 --> 00:22:00,500 You mean that? 293 00:22:00,600 --> 00:22:02,125 Of course, I do. 294 00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:03,521 Okay. 295 00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:10,620 It's disgusting! Put it back! 296 00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:12,660 I was wrong, please, put the mask back on! It's so gross! 297 00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:15,047 I can't be friends with you if you look like that! Please! 298 00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:17,660 It is so disgusting! Please, put it back! 299 00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:19,420 Please, Hansel, put it back, I was wrong! 300 00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:21,841 No. This feels good. 301 00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:25,420 Could you please put the mask back on so I can concentrate on what you're saying? 302 00:22:25,520 --> 00:22:27,921 No! I'm done hiding. 303 00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:31,489 Look, there's only one way for us to find ourselves. 304 00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:32,761 Know what that is? 305 00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:35,811 Look inward and connect with our authentic truth? 306 00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:38,460 No. I was gonna say become the two biggest, 307 00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:40,220 hottest models in the world again. 308 00:22:40,320 --> 00:22:41,420 Okay. 309 00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:44,100 Okay. So what say we get you cleaned up, 310 00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:45,820 shave that billy goat beard, 311 00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:49,720 go downstairs and show these punks what real fashion looks like? 312 00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:31,940 Oh, my God. Yes, dude! 313 00:23:32,040 --> 00:23:35,620 Yes! You guys look so lame. I love it, dude. 314 00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:38,540 You ninjas dressed up all old-school just to meet me. So Jedi. 315 00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:40,180 You guys suck. Both of you guys suck. 316 00:23:40,280 --> 00:23:41,725 You look great. 317 00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:43,520 Thanks. 318 00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:45,803 I'm Don Atari. What up? 319 00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:47,980 What up, Hansel? 320 00:23:48,080 --> 00:23:50,128 Yeah. That's sick. 321 00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:52,648 Wait a minute. "I'll call Billy." 322 00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:54,405 I just said that! 323 00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:56,968 I know. Like, 15 minutes ago, right? 324 00:23:57,080 --> 00:24:00,641 Vip told me, so I made these retro shirts with your old catchphrase on it. 325 00:24:01,360 --> 00:24:02,521 Cool. 326 00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:04,100 Hey, let me introduce my collective, dude. 327 00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:05,620 They're all losers, I hate these guys. 328 00:24:05,720 --> 00:24:07,722 We got TRS-80, KITT... 329 00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:09,844 Rubik, my man Gleek. 330 00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:13,020 This guy gives the best shitty tattoos ever. 331 00:24:13,120 --> 00:24:15,180 He's a genius. His tattoos are so stupid. 332 00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:16,900 He's the one who did my Colonel Sanders. 333 00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:19,651 Look at that, pretty epic? It sucks, I don't like it, dude. 334 00:24:20,880 --> 00:24:23,260 Why would I do this to myself? I never wanted this on me. 335 00:24:23,360 --> 00:24:25,283 I love it, dude. I got it when my grandfather died. 336 00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:28,965 That's really cool. So, what's the deal with the show? 337 00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:31,940 Yeah, where do you want us to fire up this chainsaw? 338 00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:35,408 Colosseum? Trevi Fountain? Spanish Steps? 339 00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:37,780 What? No way, dude. 340 00:24:37,880 --> 00:24:39,689 Those places are gnar-gnar bo-bo. 341 00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:42,140 We're holding it in an abandoned medical waste facility 342 00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:44,140 on top of an industrial trash heap. 343 00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:46,402 It's totally toxic, but super chill. 344 00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:48,460 Cool! Sounds dope. 345 00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:49,641 Yeah, fresh. 346 00:24:50,560 --> 00:24:54,042 What? You guys are like, "Sounds dope!" "Fresh!" 347 00:24:54,720 --> 00:24:56,860 They're doing the voices and everything! 348 00:24:56,960 --> 00:24:59,340 I didn't think you guys would do the voices. That's sick! 349 00:24:59,440 --> 00:25:01,761 "Sounds dope! Sounds fresh!" 350 00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:05,484 I don't like you guys. It's an honor to have you. 351 00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:23,081 Hey, retreads! 352 00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:27,180 I want to introduce you all to my muse and basically, like, the biggest supermodel 353 00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:28,805 in the whole world right now, dude. 354 00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:30,410 This is All. 355 00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:32,380 All what? 356 00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:33,845 We are All. 357 00:25:34,520 --> 00:25:38,206 So, are you like a male model or a female model? 358 00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:41,085 All is not defined by binary constructs. 359 00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:43,980 That's cool. I don't like labels, either. 360 00:25:44,080 --> 00:25:46,890 But I think he's asking, do you have a hot dog or a bun? 361 00:25:48,760 --> 00:25:50,489 Do you have a wiener or vergiener? 362 00:25:51,240 --> 00:25:54,084 All is all to all. 363 00:25:56,080 --> 00:25:58,900 By the way, All just married hermself, dude. 364 00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:00,923 Monomarriage is finally legal in Italy. 365 00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:02,820 I support that. 366 00:26:02,920 --> 00:26:04,604 Derek, that's pretty good, right? 367 00:26:08,520 --> 00:26:10,060 I'm sorry, are you not comfortable 368 00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:11,650 with people like All in the workplace or something? 369 00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:14,220 No. Of course, I am. 370 00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:16,140 I mean, like, if your son or whatever came to you and said, 371 00:26:16,240 --> 00:26:19,340 "Hey, Dad, I really want to marry All, " like, wouldn't you be so stoked for that? 372 00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:21,260 Isn't that, like, exactly what you want? 373 00:26:21,360 --> 00:26:24,940 Imagine All walking in, being like, "We'll finally be together." 374 00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:27,327 You'd be, like, hella stoked for that, right? 375 00:26:28,040 --> 00:26:29,201 Yeah. 376 00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:31,563 I'd be, like, totally stoked. 377 00:26:32,600 --> 00:26:34,602 All is done here. Atari. 378 00:26:35,200 --> 00:26:36,500 See you, fools. 379 00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:39,300 Guys, Alexanya Atoz is here! 380 00:26:39,400 --> 00:26:40,845 The show must begin now! 381 00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:45,780 Wow. Alexanya Atoz. 382 00:26:45,880 --> 00:26:48,884 They say she doesn't walk. She just floats. 383 00:26:52,280 --> 00:26:54,169 She looks even better in person. 384 00:27:03,240 --> 00:27:05,891 I got those juices flowing again. 385 00:27:10,840 --> 00:27:13,844 Just put us out there. Let us do our thing. 386 00:27:16,920 --> 00:27:18,001 Come on! Come on! 387 00:27:18,560 --> 00:27:21,340 Chop chop! Lay down, lay down! 388 00:27:21,440 --> 00:27:23,761 Get in, get in. Take off your robes. 389 00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:27,124 Go! Go! Go! 390 00:27:28,840 --> 00:27:32,561 Derek! I have a really good feeling about this. 391 00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:35,281 I know. I feel so alive! 392 00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:56,080 "Old"? 393 00:27:58,000 --> 00:27:59,365 "Lamé"? 394 00:28:13,520 --> 00:28:14,646 Quit it, All! 395 00:28:15,800 --> 00:28:18,451 Hot dog! It's definitely a hot dog! 396 00:28:18,920 --> 00:28:19,967 All is done. 397 00:28:28,680 --> 00:28:29,727 "Prunes"? 398 00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:49,420 So let me tell you what I think worked. 399 00:28:49,520 --> 00:28:52,060 I think we got to shake off some of the rust. 400 00:28:52,160 --> 00:28:54,700 I was trying out a few new looks, although it might have been hard to see 401 00:28:54,800 --> 00:28:57,340 through all the dates, or, was it, you know, prunes? 402 00:28:57,440 --> 00:29:00,967 Hansel, are you insane? We were a joke out there. 403 00:29:01,280 --> 00:29:03,100 A total laughing stick. 404 00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:04,860 What do you want me to say? I mean, I know... 405 00:29:04,960 --> 00:29:07,531 I know we looked like idiots, but I'm trying to make the best of it! 406 00:29:07,640 --> 00:29:08,700 Knuck, knuck! 407 00:29:08,800 --> 00:29:10,006 Not now! We... 408 00:29:14,360 --> 00:29:15,725 You 409 00:29:16,120 --> 00:29:17,485 two 410 00:29:17,720 --> 00:29:19,529 vere amowzing. 411 00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:21,900 Deeryuck. 412 00:29:22,000 --> 00:29:24,660 Your feces so hundsome. 413 00:29:24,760 --> 00:29:27,206 Und, Hansel, so stemmy. 414 00:29:28,720 --> 00:29:31,849 Ridowkulously stemmy and hyot. 415 00:29:33,080 --> 00:29:35,651 I'm sorry. I can't understand a word that you're saying. 416 00:29:36,480 --> 00:29:39,260 I want to invite you to be my gyuests 417 00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:43,490 at the most elite fishion event in housetory. 418 00:29:44,720 --> 00:29:46,324 The IncrediBall. 419 00:29:47,600 --> 00:29:48,965 What! 420 00:29:49,200 --> 00:29:50,531 The IncrediBall? 421 00:29:50,680 --> 00:29:52,045 Is that like the Met Ball? 422 00:29:55,400 --> 00:29:58,085 No, sveet, stupid Deryuck. 423 00:29:58,760 --> 00:30:02,580 For the first time in the housetory of fishion, 424 00:30:02,680 --> 00:30:06,220 all of the most important designers will come together 425 00:30:06,320 --> 00:30:08,163 under one rureff. 426 00:30:09,200 --> 00:30:11,851 I trust you will be dere 427 00:30:12,280 --> 00:30:15,921 with your hyot and stemmy feces. 428 00:30:21,400 --> 00:30:23,448 Dudes. Holy Shazbot! What! 429 00:30:24,320 --> 00:30:26,860 You guys are gonna be the center-pizzle of IncrediBall! 430 00:30:26,960 --> 00:30:28,086 What does that mean? 431 00:30:28,560 --> 00:30:31,291 The center-pizzle of IncrediBall. 432 00:30:33,080 --> 00:30:35,082 That was bananas, Johnny. 433 00:30:39,080 --> 00:30:40,140 I'm done. 434 00:30:40,240 --> 00:30:42,288 What? Derek, what are you talking about? 435 00:30:42,400 --> 00:30:43,540 Did you not hear what they just said? 436 00:30:43,640 --> 00:30:45,540 We're going to be the center of the IncrediBall. 437 00:30:45,640 --> 00:30:48,580 I can only pray that nobody from Child Services attended the show 438 00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:50,603 or I'll never get little Derek back. 439 00:30:51,040 --> 00:30:52,100 What about all the attention? 440 00:30:52,200 --> 00:30:54,123 This is exactly what we were talking about! 441 00:30:54,640 --> 00:30:57,484 No, Hansel. It's exactly what you were talking about. 442 00:30:57,840 --> 00:31:02,767 We don't fit in anymore. Don Atari and All and that creepy little Vip! 443 00:31:02,880 --> 00:31:04,450 - I don't want any part of it! - Derek. 444 00:31:05,360 --> 00:31:06,521 Derek! 445 00:31:07,240 --> 00:31:09,527 Derek! D-rock! 446 00:31:34,640 --> 00:31:36,300 Derek Zoolander? 447 00:31:36,400 --> 00:31:37,561 Yes. 448 00:31:38,160 --> 00:31:39,889 Valentina Valencia. 449 00:31:40,000 --> 00:31:42,300 Interpol, Global Fashion Division. 450 00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:45,722 Fashion Police? We're clean, lady. Go harass somebody else. 451 00:31:46,080 --> 00:31:48,321 Besides, I'm out of fashion. 452 00:31:48,880 --> 00:31:50,166 I need to talk to you. 453 00:31:51,160 --> 00:31:53,220 It has to do with the death of Justin Bieber. 454 00:31:53,320 --> 00:31:55,140 His death is not my problem. 455 00:31:55,240 --> 00:31:58,980 Look, I'm trying to find out who's killing the pop stars of the world. 456 00:31:59,080 --> 00:32:01,162 And I think you're my only chance. 457 00:32:02,080 --> 00:32:05,243 What part of "not my problem" did you not understand? 458 00:32:05,360 --> 00:32:06,361 None of it. 459 00:32:08,960 --> 00:32:11,260 So you did understand the part about it not being my problem, 460 00:32:11,360 --> 00:32:14,603 or you didn't understand any part of it not being a part of my problem? 461 00:32:15,760 --> 00:32:17,000 No, no, no, Derek. 462 00:32:17,120 --> 00:32:19,620 I think what she's saying is that she understands what you're saying, 463 00:32:19,720 --> 00:32:20,881 but she doesn't accept it. 464 00:32:21,000 --> 00:32:23,048 Hansel! It's all too confusing. 465 00:32:23,800 --> 00:32:25,700 I thought coming here would help me find myself, 466 00:32:25,800 --> 00:32:27,580 and possibly my son. 467 00:32:27,680 --> 00:32:29,808 But this is more than I bargained for. 468 00:32:31,040 --> 00:32:34,487 This hermit crab is crawling back into his planetarium. 469 00:32:36,280 --> 00:32:40,046 I can use the database at Interpol to help you find your son. 470 00:32:42,720 --> 00:32:44,370 If you help me. 471 00:32:46,560 --> 00:32:48,300 I think we got to play ball with her. 472 00:32:48,400 --> 00:32:51,980 She's got some kind of database or something that she says 473 00:32:52,080 --> 00:32:53,764 will help us find little Derek. 474 00:32:57,680 --> 00:33:00,081 And she's hot. I trust her. 475 00:33:28,600 --> 00:33:31,660 So, before Bieber died, he Twitpic'd this look. 476 00:33:31,760 --> 00:33:35,048 He posted it to the blogspot for his summer concert tour. 477 00:33:35,600 --> 00:33:37,602 He was trying to send a message. 478 00:33:40,240 --> 00:33:42,242 It's Blue Steel, right? 479 00:33:43,920 --> 00:33:45,888 What are you, a fucking idiot? 480 00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:49,764 Yeah, that's Blue Steel. 481 00:33:50,720 --> 00:33:53,260 My question is, is Interpol one of those socialist things 482 00:33:53,360 --> 00:33:55,601 where they hire mentally-impaired people? 483 00:33:55,720 --> 00:33:57,529 I... I know. 484 00:33:58,280 --> 00:34:01,090 That's right. I heard your mother worked here. 485 00:34:02,720 --> 00:34:04,051 Snap! 486 00:34:06,520 --> 00:34:08,204 My mother doesn't work here. 487 00:34:09,920 --> 00:34:13,606 No more games, okay? Is this Blue Steel or not? 488 00:34:13,960 --> 00:34:15,325 Not even close. 489 00:34:15,800 --> 00:34:17,689 I knew what it was the moment I saw it. 490 00:34:18,200 --> 00:34:19,540 It's an old one... From the 90s. 491 00:34:19,640 --> 00:34:21,688 It was for a body lotion campaign I did. 492 00:34:22,120 --> 00:34:23,804 I called it "Aqua Vitae". 493 00:35:05,200 --> 00:35:06,850 Young forever. 494 00:35:07,200 --> 00:35:09,362 Moo! 495 00:35:14,720 --> 00:35:16,370 Still holds up. 496 00:35:17,200 --> 00:35:19,140 Notice the curvature of my right eyebrow. 497 00:35:19,240 --> 00:35:20,969 It's night and day from Blue Steel. 498 00:35:21,640 --> 00:35:22,660 He's right. 499 00:35:22,760 --> 00:35:26,606 When I overlay them, there are over 14,000 different facial anomalies. 500 00:35:26,960 --> 00:35:28,020 Wow. 501 00:35:28,120 --> 00:35:31,363 I had no idea there was so much subtlety involved. 502 00:35:33,200 --> 00:35:35,567 Please accept my apologies, Derek. 503 00:35:35,840 --> 00:35:37,365 None taken. 504 00:35:48,360 --> 00:35:51,250 Filippo, we need to find everything there is on Aqua Vitae. 505 00:35:54,280 --> 00:35:56,806 Hold on a second, lady. A deal's a deal. 506 00:35:58,000 --> 00:35:59,843 Now, you help me find my son. 507 00:35:59,960 --> 00:36:03,089 Sure. His name is Derek Jr.? 508 00:36:03,320 --> 00:36:04,300 Yes. 509 00:36:04,400 --> 00:36:06,243 Have you ever Facebooked him? 510 00:36:06,720 --> 00:36:09,371 No, thanks. Matilda facebooked 511 00:36:09,880 --> 00:36:11,370 and it killed her. 512 00:36:12,040 --> 00:36:13,020 Found him. 513 00:36:13,120 --> 00:36:15,885 He's at the Orphanage Del Piccolo Cletusi. 514 00:36:17,400 --> 00:36:19,926 Here. In Rome. 515 00:36:20,600 --> 00:36:21,886 Wait. What? 516 00:36:22,760 --> 00:36:23,860 He's in Rome. 517 00:36:23,960 --> 00:36:27,123 That's convenient. So we can hit that party at the IncrediBall. 518 00:36:27,760 --> 00:36:29,842 A little too convenient. 519 00:36:30,680 --> 00:36:33,923 Someone wants you here, guys. But who? 520 00:36:34,960 --> 00:36:35,961 Listen to me. 521 00:36:36,200 --> 00:36:40,330 Be careful at the orphanage. And trust no one at House of Atoz. 522 00:36:40,760 --> 00:36:42,444 I'll see what I can find. 523 00:37:10,640 --> 00:37:13,700 Thanks for coming with me. I feel kind of nervous. 524 00:37:13,800 --> 00:37:16,770 Hey. You're showing up. Feel good. 525 00:37:30,320 --> 00:37:32,527 - That must be him. - Where? 526 00:37:39,240 --> 00:37:41,811 He's even more gorgeous than I imagined. 527 00:37:43,520 --> 00:37:45,522 You're a lucky man. 528 00:37:46,840 --> 00:37:48,205 You there. Boy. 529 00:37:50,440 --> 00:37:52,442 - What's his name? - Who? 530 00:37:53,280 --> 00:37:54,327 Him? 531 00:37:55,440 --> 00:37:57,124 That's Fabrizio. 532 00:37:57,560 --> 00:37:58,925 Fabrizio. 533 00:37:59,680 --> 00:38:01,409 What a beautiful name. 534 00:38:02,160 --> 00:38:04,367 He used to be called Derek Jr. 535 00:38:04,800 --> 00:38:07,371 Really? That's strange, 'cause that's my name. 536 00:38:17,440 --> 00:38:18,771 Bye, mister. 537 00:38:19,960 --> 00:38:22,780 - Let's go. Let's go. - What? Why? 538 00:38:22,880 --> 00:38:25,220 - I can't do this. - Why not? 539 00:38:25,320 --> 00:38:28,403 He's fat! The fat one is Derek Jr. 540 00:38:28,800 --> 00:38:32,380 No, that chubby kid's name is Fatlander. I heard them call him that. 541 00:38:32,480 --> 00:38:34,780 Don't you get it? He switched the "Zoo" part with "Fat". 542 00:38:34,880 --> 00:38:37,884 That's how he came up with "Fatlander". Fat equals Zoo! 543 00:38:38,240 --> 00:38:41,180 So wait. You're saying that just because your son is fat 544 00:38:41,280 --> 00:38:43,681 that makes him some sort of terrible person? 545 00:38:45,080 --> 00:38:46,060 Maybe you're right. 546 00:38:46,160 --> 00:38:47,260 No, I'm asking. 547 00:38:47,360 --> 00:38:50,140 Does being fat make someone a terrible person? 548 00:38:50,240 --> 00:38:51,260 And I'm agreeing with you. 549 00:38:51,360 --> 00:38:54,728 I seriously think my fat son might be a terrible person. 550 00:38:58,240 --> 00:39:00,060 And it doesn't make him a good person, I know that. 551 00:39:00,160 --> 00:39:03,801 But I don't know what to say. I think you better puddle-talk it out. 552 00:39:16,360 --> 00:39:18,647 So I guess I have a lot to ponder. 553 00:39:19,840 --> 00:39:21,380 You sure do. 554 00:39:21,480 --> 00:39:23,847 Derek. 555 00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:26,180 What? Who's that? 556 00:39:26,280 --> 00:39:27,566 I don't know. It wasn't me. 557 00:39:28,320 --> 00:39:29,845 Derek. 558 00:39:30,160 --> 00:39:31,969 Derek. 559 00:39:32,960 --> 00:39:35,645 Ghost of Matilda? Is that really you? 560 00:39:35,960 --> 00:39:37,300 Yes, Derek. 561 00:39:37,400 --> 00:39:41,849 I'm sorry I haven't been in touch, but I've just been so dead. 562 00:39:42,320 --> 00:39:43,321 Listen. 563 00:39:43,800 --> 00:39:45,928 You must love our son. 564 00:39:46,200 --> 00:39:47,964 He needs you. 565 00:39:48,400 --> 00:39:51,131 But beware of the Headmaster. 566 00:39:52,040 --> 00:39:53,405 What's happening to you? 567 00:39:53,720 --> 00:39:55,563 Love our son. 568 00:39:56,880 --> 00:39:59,167 And beware the Headmaster. 569 00:40:00,720 --> 00:40:01,926 Hello. 570 00:40:03,240 --> 00:40:04,571 I'm the Headmaster. 571 00:40:05,200 --> 00:40:07,202 Derek Zoolander 572 00:40:07,720 --> 00:40:09,220 I'm assuming. 573 00:40:09,320 --> 00:40:12,005 Because I've never met you ever. 574 00:40:12,760 --> 00:40:16,242 Mr. Hansel informs me that you'd like to see your son. 575 00:40:16,840 --> 00:40:19,081 Easily arranged. Come. 576 00:40:23,560 --> 00:40:27,201 I should tell you, your son is incredibly gifted. 577 00:40:28,360 --> 00:40:29,420 Hello. 578 00:40:29,520 --> 00:40:32,340 If you want to find the Spirits in the Material World, 579 00:40:32,440 --> 00:40:35,540 you need to talk to the Ghost in the Machine. 580 00:40:35,640 --> 00:40:37,140 What? Who is this? 581 00:40:37,240 --> 00:40:39,340 I have a Message in a Bottle for you, 582 00:40:39,440 --> 00:40:42,250 so don't go to The Police. 583 00:40:42,840 --> 00:40:46,860 Okay, don't go to the police 'cause there's a message in a bottle. 584 00:40:46,960 --> 00:40:48,962 Okay, I got it. 585 00:40:49,400 --> 00:40:51,926 Now go prank call someone else, idiot. 586 00:40:52,360 --> 00:40:53,885 Here they are now. 587 00:41:00,080 --> 00:41:02,082 Hey, there, sport. 588 00:41:03,320 --> 00:41:05,641 I hear someone's a fat little smartypants. 589 00:41:09,440 --> 00:41:11,010 I'll leave you to it, then. 590 00:41:11,880 --> 00:41:13,120 I'm gonna let you two catch up 591 00:41:13,240 --> 00:41:15,083 and maybe hit the spa back at the Caca. 592 00:41:17,960 --> 00:41:20,964 Look, I know you have a lot of unresolved feelings, 593 00:41:21,080 --> 00:41:22,445 but I'm still your father. 594 00:41:22,880 --> 00:41:25,620 You're not my father. You weren't there. 595 00:41:25,720 --> 00:41:29,180 That wasn't my choice. I was there when you were little. 596 00:41:29,280 --> 00:41:31,806 Most kids play catch with their father. 597 00:41:32,240 --> 00:41:34,811 They don't go with them to a thong shoot. 598 00:41:35,360 --> 00:41:39,362 There are lots of starving children in Africa who would die to go to a thong shoot. 599 00:41:39,760 --> 00:41:40,761 What? 600 00:41:41,480 --> 00:41:44,962 Look, let me make it up to you. Let's go play ball-catching now. 601 00:41:45,280 --> 00:41:46,500 Ball-catching? 602 00:41:46,600 --> 00:41:48,887 So how's the family reunion going? 603 00:41:49,560 --> 00:41:53,167 Great. I'd like to check him out for a few hours, if that's okay. 604 00:41:53,280 --> 00:41:56,443 Sure. As long as he's back by sundown. 605 00:41:57,760 --> 00:41:59,444 He seems like a nice guy. 606 00:41:59,800 --> 00:42:01,484 You seem like an idiot. 607 00:42:02,560 --> 00:42:05,006 Okay, I think I know what would help right now. 608 00:42:05,440 --> 00:42:06,441 What? 609 00:42:07,480 --> 00:42:09,801 Frozen chocolata gelato! 610 00:42:22,120 --> 00:42:23,201 Ciao! 611 00:42:38,000 --> 00:42:39,889 Oh, my God! 612 00:42:50,640 --> 00:42:52,483 Hashtag, oops. 613 00:42:55,160 --> 00:42:58,940 You know, sometimes it takes an extremely traumatic experience 614 00:42:59,040 --> 00:43:01,260 to make you appreciate a good makeover. 615 00:43:01,360 --> 00:43:02,771 Am I right? 616 00:43:04,440 --> 00:43:05,646 Derek? 617 00:43:08,080 --> 00:43:09,650 Derek Jr.! 618 00:43:16,000 --> 00:43:18,380 - Are you mentally insane? - What? 619 00:43:18,480 --> 00:43:21,643 What are you reading? I Am Malalalala? 620 00:43:21,960 --> 00:43:24,088 No books! Think of your mother. 621 00:43:25,480 --> 00:43:28,051 What's the big deal? Mom read tons of books. 622 00:43:28,360 --> 00:43:30,727 And a one-ton book killed her. 623 00:43:31,680 --> 00:43:34,126 The book didn't kill Mom. You did. 624 00:43:34,400 --> 00:43:36,368 And you nearly killed me, too. 625 00:43:37,200 --> 00:43:40,522 Come on. Look at us. We look ridiculous. 626 00:43:40,960 --> 00:43:43,140 What, okay, maybe your pants are a little loose. 627 00:43:43,240 --> 00:43:45,083 - Are you serious right now? - What? 628 00:43:45,400 --> 00:43:48,140 I don't want to be anything like you! 629 00:43:48,240 --> 00:43:49,366 You're a has-been! 630 00:43:50,000 --> 00:43:55,484 And you are the most narcissistic, self-involved person I've ever met! 631 00:43:56,480 --> 00:43:58,482 But that's not how I think of me. 632 00:43:59,320 --> 00:44:00,651 I'm going back to school. 633 00:44:01,840 --> 00:44:03,940 Little Derek, come back here! 634 00:44:04,040 --> 00:44:06,407 I thought we were gonna give each other facials! 635 00:44:12,760 --> 00:44:13,761 Wait. 636 00:44:15,080 --> 00:44:16,730 How did you learn to speak Italian? 637 00:44:16,840 --> 00:44:18,080 Because I'm smart! 638 00:44:19,400 --> 00:44:21,180 Mom was smart, too. 639 00:44:21,280 --> 00:44:25,080 The only stupid thing she ever did was fall in love with you. 640 00:44:26,600 --> 00:44:30,047 I don't even have the words to express what a burn that is. 641 00:44:32,000 --> 00:44:33,684 I don't know what to say. 642 00:44:34,440 --> 00:44:37,489 No, I mean I literally don't have the vocabulary to respond. 643 00:44:37,800 --> 00:44:40,121 You're like a walking Tyrannosaurus. 644 00:44:40,880 --> 00:44:43,247 You mean "walking thesaurus". 645 00:44:44,400 --> 00:44:45,811 I don't know. 646 00:44:46,840 --> 00:44:50,100 I guess it's nice that you want to reconnect or whatever. 647 00:44:50,200 --> 00:44:53,204 But we're too different. And it's too late. 648 00:44:54,960 --> 00:44:56,564 Thanks for the gelato. 649 00:45:15,000 --> 00:45:16,331 Orgy. 650 00:45:19,120 --> 00:45:21,282 Hi, there, Hansel. 651 00:45:28,360 --> 00:45:30,840 I heard you 652 00:45:31,440 --> 00:45:32,820 are on the rebound. 653 00:45:32,920 --> 00:45:35,580 No, no. I'm still... Still committed. 654 00:45:35,680 --> 00:45:38,206 We're just taking a little time to kind of... 655 00:45:38,720 --> 00:45:41,724 Doesn't mean we can't enjoy each other's bodies. 656 00:45:42,960 --> 00:45:44,246 Damn it. 657 00:45:45,000 --> 00:45:46,331 Hansel. 658 00:45:47,160 --> 00:45:50,846 Meaningless sex always makes me feel better about myself. 659 00:45:54,200 --> 00:45:55,884 Come on. 660 00:46:19,240 --> 00:46:20,401 Hansel! 661 00:46:21,840 --> 00:46:22,980 We know you're in there! 662 00:46:23,080 --> 00:46:24,161 Stay here. Stay here. 663 00:46:25,320 --> 00:46:27,891 Hansel, let us in! We want to apologize! 664 00:46:28,960 --> 00:46:31,220 Come back to the pigpile, Hansel. 665 00:46:31,320 --> 00:46:34,780 Touch-a, touch-a, touch me. I want to be dirty. 666 00:46:34,880 --> 00:46:36,940 That's it. I've had enough. Everybody, back up. 667 00:46:37,040 --> 00:46:39,042 Back! Back! 668 00:46:43,200 --> 00:46:44,725 Hello! Hello! 669 00:46:46,040 --> 00:46:47,260 My gosh. 670 00:46:47,360 --> 00:46:48,407 God... 671 00:47:01,520 --> 00:47:02,660 Hansel. 672 00:47:02,760 --> 00:47:05,140 Okay. You guys have a talk. I'm going to a bar. 673 00:47:05,240 --> 00:47:07,100 That's a good idea. Yeah, go. 674 00:47:07,200 --> 00:47:08,201 Hey... 675 00:47:08,600 --> 00:47:10,489 You are a basic bitch. 676 00:47:11,400 --> 00:47:14,404 Come on, let's go. Come on. Out. 677 00:47:14,800 --> 00:47:16,165 I can kill you. 678 00:47:18,640 --> 00:47:20,740 Please. Let me just explain. 679 00:47:20,840 --> 00:47:23,764 Guys, you didn't even give me a chance to explain! 680 00:47:24,120 --> 00:47:26,851 Hansel, how can you expect to love 11 people 681 00:47:27,440 --> 00:47:29,568 when you don't even love yourself? 682 00:47:33,360 --> 00:47:35,362 I hope they were worth it. 683 00:47:36,440 --> 00:47:37,805 That's not fair. 684 00:47:38,080 --> 00:47:40,765 Kiefer! 685 00:47:44,720 --> 00:47:48,122 Hey, where'd everybody go? I wasn't done with that hippo. 686 00:47:53,640 --> 00:47:55,961 Who am I? 687 00:47:59,040 --> 00:48:00,246 Who am I? 688 00:48:03,240 --> 00:48:05,180 - Derek? - Hey, Hansel. 689 00:48:05,280 --> 00:48:07,487 Are you trying to figure out who you are, also? 690 00:48:07,800 --> 00:48:08,847 Yep. 691 00:48:09,480 --> 00:48:12,484 Who am I? 692 00:48:14,440 --> 00:48:15,771 Hey, Katy! 693 00:48:16,160 --> 00:48:19,721 Yeah, it's like, when will we find out who we really are? 694 00:48:20,080 --> 00:48:21,161 I know, right? 695 00:48:21,440 --> 00:48:22,771 Who am I? 696 00:48:23,400 --> 00:48:25,448 Neil deGrasse Tyson. 697 00:48:25,600 --> 00:48:27,090 Even you don't know who you are? 698 00:48:27,640 --> 00:48:29,740 In an ever-expanding universe, 699 00:48:29,840 --> 00:48:32,844 slowly pulling itself apart into nothingness, 700 00:48:33,520 --> 00:48:38,048 what use does the question "Who am I?" even have? 701 00:48:39,240 --> 00:48:43,165 Neil, I got to say, you're totally blowing my mind right now. 702 00:48:43,720 --> 00:48:45,220 That's what I do. 703 00:48:45,320 --> 00:48:48,130 I'm Neil deGrasse Tyson, bitch. 704 00:48:49,840 --> 00:48:53,049 Hansel! Derek! You have to come to Interpol! 705 00:48:53,200 --> 00:48:54,804 I have incredible news! 706 00:48:55,400 --> 00:48:58,260 We did a full diagnostic on your Aqua Vitae look, 707 00:48:58,360 --> 00:49:00,681 and a linguistics analysis on its etymology. 708 00:49:01,200 --> 00:49:03,580 The direct translation is "Water of Life." 709 00:49:03,680 --> 00:49:05,887 But many have interpreted it another way. 710 00:49:08,040 --> 00:49:09,565 "The Fountain of Youth." 711 00:49:10,960 --> 00:49:13,020 Okay, look, I only worked there for a summer. 712 00:49:13,120 --> 00:49:15,202 And, no, they don't give happy endings. 713 00:49:16,040 --> 00:49:18,884 No, Derek. The actual Fountain of Youth. 714 00:49:20,600 --> 00:49:25,367 Can you imagine if the Fountain of Youth indeed does exist... 715 00:49:26,080 --> 00:49:29,766 And if Alexanya Atoz could market such a liquid... 716 00:49:30,600 --> 00:49:32,420 Do you ever get that feeling 717 00:49:32,520 --> 00:49:36,300 when you see beautiful teenager girl with perfect skin 718 00:49:36,400 --> 00:49:39,660 and you want to kill her and take her skin 719 00:49:39,760 --> 00:49:41,620 and put it on your skin? 720 00:49:41,720 --> 00:49:43,529 We bottled that feeling. 721 00:49:43,720 --> 00:49:46,246 House of Atoz Yowth Milk. 722 00:49:47,320 --> 00:49:48,731 ...she would make billions. 723 00:49:51,000 --> 00:49:52,081 Excuse me. 724 00:49:54,560 --> 00:49:56,927 - Orgy? - You are in serious danger. 725 00:49:58,000 --> 00:50:00,100 Don't Stand So Close To Me. 726 00:50:00,200 --> 00:50:02,328 Come on. It's this prank caller again. 727 00:50:02,560 --> 00:50:03,860 - Put it on speaker. - What... Why? 728 00:50:03,960 --> 00:50:05,086 Just put it on speaker! 729 00:50:06,200 --> 00:50:07,281 Who is this? 730 00:50:07,600 --> 00:50:09,900 I am your King of Pain. 731 00:50:10,000 --> 00:50:13,527 Every breath this guy takes, I'm like, "What are you talking about?" 732 00:50:14,080 --> 00:50:15,060 Jesus. 733 00:50:15,160 --> 00:50:17,811 Just meet me at Saint Peter's Basilica at midnight. 734 00:50:20,120 --> 00:50:21,929 Sounds like this guy's really into Sting. 735 00:50:23,200 --> 00:50:24,929 I model my life after Sting. 736 00:50:25,480 --> 00:50:28,086 And Bieber was killed in front of Sting's villa. 737 00:50:29,240 --> 00:50:30,287 What? 738 00:51:15,520 --> 00:51:16,681 Forgive me, Father. 739 00:51:16,800 --> 00:51:18,848 I have many sins that I would like to confess. 740 00:51:20,000 --> 00:51:23,049 One of my sins has to do with the death of Justin Bieber. 741 00:51:32,160 --> 00:51:33,525 No way. 742 00:51:34,720 --> 00:51:35,881 Hey, Derek. 743 00:51:36,360 --> 00:51:37,521 Hey, Sting. 744 00:51:38,280 --> 00:51:40,248 And hello, sweet Hansel. 745 00:51:41,000 --> 00:51:42,161 Hi. 746 00:51:42,880 --> 00:51:44,370 You two know each other? 747 00:51:45,000 --> 00:51:46,650 Sadly, we've never met. 748 00:51:46,840 --> 00:51:48,604 And yet I feel like I've known you 749 00:51:49,480 --> 00:51:51,164 - my entire life. - My entire life. 750 00:51:53,880 --> 00:51:54,927 Tell me. 751 00:51:55,920 --> 00:51:57,684 Have you heard of the Fountain of Youth? 752 00:51:58,360 --> 00:52:01,443 Yes. Why does everybody keep asking me that? 753 00:52:02,120 --> 00:52:04,930 No, Derek, not the hand job joint you worked at in SoHo. 754 00:52:05,040 --> 00:52:06,405 The real Fountain of Youth. 755 00:52:07,320 --> 00:52:09,607 It dates back some 6,000 years. 756 00:52:10,760 --> 00:52:15,049 Its original location is thought to have been the Garden of Eden. 757 00:52:16,160 --> 00:52:19,881 You mean the Turkish bathhouse I used to work at in Tribeca? 758 00:52:22,040 --> 00:52:24,884 No, Derek. The Garden of Eden. 759 00:52:26,960 --> 00:52:29,486 The birthplace of Adam and Eve 760 00:52:30,560 --> 00:52:32,244 and Steve. 761 00:52:35,160 --> 00:52:37,083 Steve? Who's Steve? 762 00:52:38,320 --> 00:52:42,405 Steve is the original supermodel. The first of the purebloods. 763 00:52:42,680 --> 00:52:46,127 He was said to be so beautiful, with a look so powerful 764 00:52:46,240 --> 00:52:48,481 that even the pools of water he gazed upon 765 00:52:48,760 --> 00:52:50,410 could not reflect his beauty back to him. 766 00:52:52,240 --> 00:52:53,241 That look... 767 00:52:54,040 --> 00:52:57,010 That look was called "El Niño". 768 00:52:58,720 --> 00:53:02,088 But, honestly, I've never heard of Steve. 769 00:53:02,920 --> 00:53:06,322 Countless lives throughout history have been lost to make sure of that. 770 00:53:06,960 --> 00:53:10,442 Evil forces have hunted his offspring for centuries. 771 00:53:12,480 --> 00:53:14,323 For the legend states 772 00:53:14,480 --> 00:53:17,060 that if you wrench the still-beating heart 773 00:53:17,160 --> 00:53:20,340 from the gorgeous body of a true descendent of Steve 774 00:53:20,440 --> 00:53:22,300 and drink its blood, 775 00:53:22,400 --> 00:53:25,324 you will obtain eternal beauty, 776 00:53:27,280 --> 00:53:29,965 So the Fountain of Youth is not a fountain at all. 777 00:53:30,680 --> 00:53:32,180 The Fountain of Youth is... 778 00:53:32,280 --> 00:53:34,726 A person. And not just anyone. 779 00:53:35,280 --> 00:53:38,841 A direct descendent of Steve. The Chosen One. 780 00:53:39,640 --> 00:53:41,051 How do you know all this? 781 00:53:41,320 --> 00:53:45,405 Because I, and many rock stars like me, are his protectors. 782 00:53:46,560 --> 00:53:48,260 You see, there are only a few genes 783 00:53:48,360 --> 00:53:52,649 that separate the greatest rock stars in history from male models. 784 00:53:52,880 --> 00:53:54,370 Which genes are those? 785 00:53:55,000 --> 00:53:57,162 The ones for talent and intelligence. 786 00:53:57,720 --> 00:53:59,006 Of course. 787 00:53:59,280 --> 00:54:02,204 We were entrusted to protect the Chosen Ones. 788 00:54:02,800 --> 00:54:04,290 But who is the Chosen One? 789 00:54:04,560 --> 00:54:07,291 We believe it is your son. 790 00:54:08,440 --> 00:54:10,408 And that he is in grave danger. 791 00:54:11,560 --> 00:54:12,580 But he's back at the school! 792 00:54:12,680 --> 00:54:14,980 We have to get to him before something terrible happens to him! 793 00:54:15,080 --> 00:54:18,243 No. Wait. Hansel. Look into my eyes. 794 00:54:19,680 --> 00:54:21,569 Is there anything you want to ask me? 795 00:54:21,680 --> 00:54:23,170 Anything at all? 796 00:54:25,800 --> 00:54:28,485 Do you really have sex for ten hours? 797 00:54:30,960 --> 00:54:32,086 No comment. 798 00:54:32,680 --> 00:54:33,806 Fifteen. 799 00:54:36,560 --> 00:54:39,580 Farewell, my handsome boy. Farewell. 800 00:54:39,680 --> 00:54:40,806 Good-bye, Sting. 801 00:54:55,120 --> 00:54:56,246 Bolt cutters! 802 00:55:07,040 --> 00:55:08,246 He's gone! 803 00:55:10,760 --> 00:55:13,127 It's like no one was ever here. 804 00:55:15,480 --> 00:55:17,660 - It was a wig. - What? 805 00:55:17,760 --> 00:55:19,660 It was a wig the whole time. 806 00:55:19,760 --> 00:55:21,091 That was a wig? 807 00:55:21,240 --> 00:55:24,140 That Headmaster wasn't a good guy at all! 808 00:55:24,240 --> 00:55:25,241 No! 809 00:55:25,720 --> 00:55:28,803 No! No! No! 810 00:55:28,920 --> 00:55:31,571 Derek! Derek, relax! 811 00:55:37,920 --> 00:55:39,126 Don't do it. 812 00:55:40,160 --> 00:55:41,605 When you want to go to it. 813 00:55:48,920 --> 00:55:50,081 - Filippo. - Si. 814 00:55:50,240 --> 00:55:51,900 I need you to pull up everything you have 815 00:55:52,000 --> 00:55:54,180 on the man who was arrested back in 2001 816 00:55:54,280 --> 00:55:55,691 for brainwashing Zoolander. 817 00:55:55,800 --> 00:55:57,500 Facial scans to be cross-referenced 818 00:55:57,600 --> 00:56:00,285 with security footage of the headmaster of the orphanage. 819 00:56:03,600 --> 00:56:05,443 It's a positive I.D. 820 00:56:06,640 --> 00:56:09,325 The Headmaster didn't even have a name or papers. 821 00:56:09,560 --> 00:56:12,404 Oh, my God. It's the evil breakdancing DJ. 822 00:56:12,800 --> 00:56:16,441 He was arrested with Mugatu and his accomplice back in 2001. 823 00:56:17,280 --> 00:56:19,965 It's Katinka Ingaborgovinananananana. 824 00:56:20,240 --> 00:56:21,366 Where are they now? 825 00:56:21,480 --> 00:56:24,086 Ingaborgovinananananana disappeared off the grid. 826 00:56:24,440 --> 00:56:26,860 It looks like the Evil DJ came through the Swiss border 827 00:56:26,960 --> 00:56:29,201 with forged papers about three weeks ago. 828 00:56:30,440 --> 00:56:32,283 I suppose they could have... 829 00:56:32,640 --> 00:56:35,211 Driven to Rome and kidnapped Derek's son. 830 00:56:35,720 --> 00:56:36,767 Exactly! 831 00:56:36,880 --> 00:56:39,565 Which means the person behind all of this is... 832 00:56:49,160 --> 00:56:50,241 Who? 833 00:56:52,880 --> 00:56:54,006 Who? 834 00:56:54,760 --> 00:56:56,091 Who are we talking about? 835 00:57:09,040 --> 00:57:10,485 Mugatu's in there. 836 00:57:11,640 --> 00:57:13,420 For ten years, there has only been one name 837 00:57:13,520 --> 00:57:15,682 on the list of visitors that he will allow. 838 00:57:18,880 --> 00:57:20,245 Thank you. 839 00:57:21,720 --> 00:57:22,801 For what? 840 00:57:23,200 --> 00:57:24,406 For helping us. 841 00:57:28,360 --> 00:57:31,820 When I was a little girl growing up in Albacete, 842 00:57:31,920 --> 00:57:35,527 my room was covered in pictures of Derek Zoolander. 843 00:57:38,640 --> 00:57:41,371 The most amazing model alive. 844 00:57:45,320 --> 00:57:47,527 Except I'm not one anymore. 845 00:57:48,160 --> 00:57:49,810 My son called me a has-been. 846 00:57:52,560 --> 00:57:54,050 I'm a has-been. 847 00:57:55,480 --> 00:57:57,164 What kind of has-been were you? 848 00:58:01,920 --> 00:58:03,888 I was a swimsuit model. 849 00:58:04,320 --> 00:58:05,890 - I'm so sorry. - My heart goes out to you. 850 00:58:07,520 --> 00:58:11,320 I was never able to transition to print or runway. 851 00:58:12,600 --> 00:58:14,602 To your world of high fashion. 852 00:58:15,960 --> 00:58:17,405 Because of these. 853 00:58:18,520 --> 00:58:22,206 These intrusive, oversized naturals. 854 00:58:25,240 --> 00:58:28,164 These things could never fit into a sample size. 855 00:58:29,800 --> 00:58:31,131 Gross. 856 00:58:36,400 --> 00:58:38,340 You need to go for this now. 857 00:58:38,440 --> 00:58:40,169 Not later. Now. 858 00:58:40,600 --> 00:58:42,220 - Hansel, are you serious? - Yes. 859 00:58:42,320 --> 00:58:44,288 While Matilda lies warm in her grave? 860 00:58:44,440 --> 00:58:47,380 Matilda's been dead for years. You need to move on. 861 00:58:47,480 --> 00:58:50,180 Honestly, by now she's just a couple of teeth. 862 00:58:50,280 --> 00:58:51,500 A piece of spine. 863 00:58:51,600 --> 00:58:55,300 Maybe a little skull fragment, like that guy from Tales from the Crypt. 864 00:58:55,400 --> 00:58:56,606 The Crypt Keeper. 865 00:58:57,240 --> 00:58:59,720 Hansel, stop it! I'm not ready. 866 00:59:17,160 --> 00:59:21,085 The world's most notorious fashion criminals are in there. 867 00:59:22,160 --> 00:59:25,721 Be careful, Derek. He'll try to get inside your head. 868 00:59:26,160 --> 00:59:29,209 Don't worry. It's closed for business. 869 00:59:37,520 --> 00:59:39,329 Give 'em hell, Derek. 870 00:59:55,600 --> 00:59:58,524 You're goin' down, Zoolander! You're goin' down, listen to me! 871 00:59:58,680 --> 01:00:01,860 You better listen to the Hammer! Can't touch this! 872 01:00:01,960 --> 01:00:06,170 No! No! Zoolander can't touch Mugatu! No! 873 01:00:07,040 --> 01:00:08,326 Shut up, Hammer! 874 01:00:09,200 --> 01:00:12,124 Members Only. Members Only. 875 01:00:13,440 --> 01:00:15,920 Epaulettes are not a crime. 876 01:00:16,240 --> 01:00:19,449 Smart casual. Smart casual. 877 01:00:19,640 --> 01:00:21,449 Listen to me. You can't touch him! 878 01:00:21,720 --> 01:00:24,371 Mr. Hammer is wrong! 879 01:00:49,280 --> 01:00:52,250 Derek Zoolander. 880 01:00:54,920 --> 01:00:56,410 I've been expecting you. 881 01:01:03,440 --> 01:01:05,204 What have you done with my son? 882 01:01:06,600 --> 01:01:11,049 Hands. Our most overrated appendage. 883 01:01:12,200 --> 01:01:14,500 When not allowed the use of them, 884 01:01:14,600 --> 01:01:15,931 you'd be surprised how quickly 885 01:01:16,080 --> 01:01:18,651 feet can be trained to do the exact same thing. 886 01:01:28,280 --> 01:01:30,601 Your son is doing wonderfully. 887 01:01:32,120 --> 01:01:35,602 From what the school tells my offshore accountant... 888 01:01:35,760 --> 01:01:37,603 He's incredibly smart. 889 01:01:38,000 --> 01:01:39,240 Your accountant? 890 01:01:40,000 --> 01:01:42,740 Who do you think paid for that fancy orphanage? 891 01:01:42,840 --> 01:01:44,020 When he was taken away from you, 892 01:01:44,120 --> 01:01:46,930 someone had to make sure he got his eight square meals a day. 893 01:01:47,480 --> 01:01:49,847 Eight? You bastard! 894 01:01:54,960 --> 01:01:57,327 I'm sorry. I'd love to keep talking about this, but 895 01:01:58,080 --> 01:02:00,606 I seem to have developed a nasty itch. 896 01:02:03,120 --> 01:02:04,580 I'd ask you to scratch it for me, 897 01:02:04,680 --> 01:02:07,843 but no doubt you'd think I was just trying to trick you. 898 01:02:12,480 --> 01:02:16,166 Or you're trying to make me think I shouldn't help you. 899 01:02:16,480 --> 01:02:21,486 In which case, I should do the opposite of that and help you. 900 01:02:22,920 --> 01:02:24,331 Or don't help me. 901 01:02:24,960 --> 01:02:26,610 I think that's even a better option. 902 01:02:29,880 --> 01:02:33,248 You're trying to switch it around on me, but I won't take the bait. 903 01:02:33,960 --> 01:02:35,405 Sorry, Mugatu. 904 01:02:35,520 --> 01:02:38,285 I'm going with my first instinct. And helping you. 905 01:02:42,520 --> 01:02:44,170 I really wish you wouldn't. 906 01:02:44,280 --> 01:02:47,045 Too late. The die is cast. 907 01:02:47,200 --> 01:02:48,540 I'd prefer that you didn't. 908 01:02:48,640 --> 01:02:51,484 - I'm going to do it. - Please don't. 909 01:02:59,760 --> 01:03:01,285 Let me go! 910 01:03:01,560 --> 01:03:05,531 Not until you untie my straitjacket and put it on, okay? 911 01:03:06,720 --> 01:03:08,882 If I do, will you let me go? 912 01:03:09,680 --> 01:03:10,727 No! 913 01:03:12,080 --> 01:03:14,003 Which means you will let me go. 914 01:03:14,280 --> 01:03:15,770 So I'll do it. 915 01:03:16,200 --> 01:03:17,611 Oh, my gosh. 916 01:03:17,720 --> 01:03:18,881 Okay! 917 01:03:20,560 --> 01:03:23,564 Check and mate, Mugatu. 918 01:03:24,480 --> 01:03:25,766 Your move. 919 01:03:28,120 --> 01:03:29,804 You really are an idiot, aren't you? 920 01:03:30,840 --> 01:03:35,687 Like, super, super white hot, blazingly stupid. 921 01:03:38,360 --> 01:03:41,170 For ten long years... 922 01:03:41,400 --> 01:03:45,405 I've been plotting my escape from this dreadful place. 923 01:03:45,640 --> 01:03:48,820 For ten long years. For ten long years. 924 01:03:48,920 --> 01:03:53,721 Ten years spent creating some of the most realistic and lifelike masks 925 01:03:54,200 --> 01:03:55,804 ever made. 926 01:03:57,600 --> 01:03:58,726 One for you. 927 01:04:01,840 --> 01:04:03,285 And one for me. 928 01:04:06,760 --> 01:04:07,841 All so that today 929 01:04:08,840 --> 01:04:11,081 you can become me! 930 01:04:13,760 --> 01:04:15,603 And I can become... 931 01:04:17,080 --> 01:04:18,241 ...you! 932 01:04:24,360 --> 01:04:25,521 That's it? 933 01:04:26,000 --> 01:04:27,525 You'll never get away with this. 934 01:04:29,520 --> 01:04:32,300 All of the guards here are former male models. 935 01:04:32,400 --> 01:04:34,971 Somehow I don't think it's gonna be a problem. 936 01:04:35,280 --> 01:04:37,567 Guard! Guard! 937 01:04:38,120 --> 01:04:39,849 Will that be all, Mr. Zoolander? 938 01:04:40,000 --> 01:04:41,365 That will be all. 939 01:04:42,680 --> 01:04:43,841 No! 940 01:04:44,280 --> 01:04:45,281 No! 941 01:04:46,400 --> 01:04:48,448 Come back here, Mugatu! 942 01:04:48,600 --> 01:04:49,886 Mugatu! 943 01:05:30,920 --> 01:05:32,980 - Go get Derek! - What? 944 01:05:33,080 --> 01:05:34,420 Go get Derek! 945 01:05:34,520 --> 01:05:36,204 And tell my orgy I love them! 946 01:05:42,560 --> 01:05:43,607 Todd! 947 01:05:45,800 --> 01:05:48,451 Where's my goddamn latte? 948 01:06:14,320 --> 01:06:16,482 And here. 949 01:06:22,240 --> 01:06:23,180 What's that? 950 01:06:23,280 --> 01:06:25,726 I missed you, too. I know. 951 01:07:07,520 --> 01:07:09,204 Alexanya! 952 01:07:11,320 --> 01:07:12,401 Moo-Moo! 953 01:07:38,400 --> 01:07:39,561 Alexanya! 954 01:07:39,920 --> 01:07:41,620 No. Hey, sorry to interrupt. 955 01:07:41,720 --> 01:07:42,801 What? 956 01:07:44,080 --> 01:07:47,209 Don Atari, what are you doing here? Don't you knuck? 957 01:07:48,000 --> 01:07:51,083 Mugatu? What? No way, dude. 958 01:07:51,440 --> 01:07:53,568 I thought you were supposed to be in jail, dude. 959 01:07:54,000 --> 01:07:57,540 You're like some dangerous criminal that tried to assassinate a world leader, dude. 960 01:07:57,640 --> 01:08:00,564 That was some crazy retro-Bond shit. 961 01:08:00,680 --> 01:08:02,887 So corny. I loved it. 962 01:08:04,040 --> 01:08:05,166 Who are you? 963 01:08:06,320 --> 01:08:09,164 Hello! I know you been all Shawshanked out, but, 964 01:08:09,520 --> 01:08:12,420 like, seriously, I'm the new stupid king of fashion, whatever. 965 01:08:12,520 --> 01:08:13,885 Don Atari, baby. 966 01:08:14,560 --> 01:08:15,561 What! 967 01:08:16,200 --> 01:08:18,009 So you know who I am, right? 968 01:08:19,720 --> 01:08:21,085 Derelicte was the dumbest, dude. 969 01:08:21,200 --> 01:08:24,363 You and SpongeBob are, honestly, like, my biggest influences ever, dude. 970 01:08:25,360 --> 01:08:28,523 And did you just escape from prison in the most ingenious way possible? 971 01:08:30,720 --> 01:08:31,767 What? 972 01:08:32,160 --> 01:08:35,620 And did you engineer the abduction and fattening of the son of Zoolander, 973 01:08:35,720 --> 01:08:38,405 and the delivery of the Chosen One for ritual sacrifice 974 01:08:39,280 --> 01:08:40,884 as the key to the Fountain of Youth? 975 01:08:41,760 --> 01:08:42,886 Did you? 976 01:08:43,960 --> 01:08:45,371 Did you? Did you do that? 977 01:08:45,760 --> 01:08:47,000 - Naw. - Naw? 978 01:08:47,560 --> 01:08:48,686 Naw. 979 01:08:48,880 --> 01:08:50,211 - Naw? - Naw. 980 01:08:50,360 --> 01:08:51,646 Did you say "naw"? 981 01:08:52,360 --> 01:08:54,567 I said "naw". 982 01:08:55,160 --> 01:08:58,369 So, I just want to ask you again. 983 01:08:59,040 --> 01:09:02,886 Do you know 984 01:09:03,560 --> 01:09:07,167 who I am? 985 01:09:08,800 --> 01:09:10,165 Whatever, you're... 986 01:09:12,400 --> 01:09:14,129 I'm Jaca-boo-who? 987 01:09:14,560 --> 01:09:15,766 Jacobim Mugatu. 988 01:09:15,920 --> 01:09:18,820 That's right! I'm Jacobim Mugatu! 989 01:09:18,920 --> 01:09:21,844 Fashion genius. And you... 990 01:09:22,600 --> 01:09:24,284 You are no one! 991 01:09:24,560 --> 01:09:26,085 Do you understand me? 992 01:09:26,880 --> 01:09:28,211 No one! 993 01:09:28,640 --> 01:09:30,210 I'm the Mamba Bajamba! 994 01:09:31,560 --> 01:09:33,528 I'm the Mamba Bajamba! 995 01:09:34,680 --> 01:09:35,841 Todd! 996 01:09:40,200 --> 01:09:42,940 You'll take my name into death! 997 01:09:43,040 --> 01:09:45,771 You should know, I actually care about everybody and everything very truly... 998 01:09:47,560 --> 01:09:50,609 That's right! I just killed a little hipster! 999 01:09:50,920 --> 01:09:52,001 Yeah! 1000 01:09:52,200 --> 01:09:54,202 Prison changed me deeply! 1001 01:09:54,720 --> 01:09:57,803 It affected me psychologically. I'm a psycho! 1002 01:09:59,360 --> 01:10:02,284 This is just the beginning. Watch out! 1003 01:10:02,600 --> 01:10:04,170 Buyer beware! 1004 01:10:05,040 --> 01:10:07,486 Now where is that chubby little blood fountain? 1005 01:10:10,640 --> 01:10:11,641 Hansel! 1006 01:10:11,880 --> 01:10:13,848 Guys, Mugatz just killed Atari. 1007 01:10:14,120 --> 01:10:15,460 Forserious? 1008 01:10:15,560 --> 01:10:17,403 Also, they're going to kill your son tonight. 1009 01:10:18,280 --> 01:10:19,420 What? 1010 01:10:19,520 --> 01:10:22,126 Hang on. I'm gonna try to get more intel. 1011 01:10:31,600 --> 01:10:34,001 What's going on? Why did you kidnap me? 1012 01:10:34,160 --> 01:10:37,084 I didn't kidnap you. Don't be a silly-billy. 1013 01:10:37,400 --> 01:10:41,530 I'm just a fun, non-threatening clown, that's what I am. 1014 01:10:42,640 --> 01:10:45,610 Who wants to massively increase your caloric intake. 1015 01:10:45,800 --> 01:10:46,801 Look. 1016 01:10:47,320 --> 01:10:48,460 Come here. 1017 01:10:48,560 --> 01:10:50,847 There's an all-you-can-eat pasta bar. 1018 01:10:53,960 --> 01:10:55,610 Abbondanza! 1019 01:10:55,720 --> 01:10:59,008 Spicy hot pasta puttanesca 1020 01:10:59,520 --> 01:11:01,204 which means "whore's pasta"! 1021 01:11:01,560 --> 01:11:04,643 As in a whore, who made this pasta. 1022 01:11:06,720 --> 01:11:08,404 Doesn't that look delicious? 1023 01:11:08,600 --> 01:11:12,924 Next, an all-you-can-eat lard bar. 1024 01:11:14,080 --> 01:11:15,780 Squirt, piggy, squirt! 1025 01:11:15,880 --> 01:11:17,644 Squirt it! Squirt! 1026 01:11:24,680 --> 01:11:29,049 All the lard you want! Fill your little tummy full of lard! 1027 01:11:29,440 --> 01:11:31,761 - Hansel, where is he now? - He's okay, 1028 01:11:32,120 --> 01:11:34,620 It's actually kind of nice. Mugatu's hooked him up with some snacks. 1029 01:11:34,720 --> 01:11:38,202 He's got like a lard bar and some cheesecake and stuff. 1030 01:11:38,320 --> 01:11:39,651 And pasta, too. 1031 01:11:39,800 --> 01:11:40,881 No! 1032 01:11:41,080 --> 01:11:44,209 No. You're right. He's fattening him for the slaughter. 1033 01:11:44,560 --> 01:11:46,210 You can drop this stupid act. 1034 01:11:46,720 --> 01:11:49,724 I know who you are. You're Jacob Moogberg. 1035 01:11:50,080 --> 01:11:51,809 And you're supposed to be in jail. 1036 01:11:52,440 --> 01:11:56,060 Hey! Jacob Moogberg died the day I put ebony and ivory 1037 01:11:56,160 --> 01:11:59,482 on skinny satin neckwear! You hear me? 1038 01:11:59,720 --> 01:12:01,609 Okay. I got to make my move. Later. 1039 01:12:02,240 --> 01:12:04,527 You listen to me, Biggie Smalls. 1040 01:12:04,920 --> 01:12:06,081 I went to prison! 1041 01:12:06,480 --> 01:12:09,380 You better scarf down that last bowl of whore pasta! 1042 01:12:09,480 --> 01:12:10,561 We roll in two! 1043 01:12:21,640 --> 01:12:23,244 You okay in there, little fella? 1044 01:12:23,520 --> 01:12:26,171 - We should call the police boat! - They'll never get here in time. 1045 01:12:27,000 --> 01:12:29,162 Who says swimsuit models are useless? 1046 01:12:30,120 --> 01:12:31,451 Wait. What are you doing? 1047 01:12:33,440 --> 01:12:35,204 How long can you hold your breath? 1048 01:12:35,560 --> 01:12:37,642 - What? - Take me from behind, Derek. 1049 01:12:38,640 --> 01:12:40,563 And grab me like your life depends on it. 1050 01:12:42,040 --> 01:12:43,451 Not like this. 1051 01:12:43,600 --> 01:12:47,127 Like this! For safety. And buoyancy. 1052 01:12:47,440 --> 01:12:48,601 Wait. What? 1053 01:12:48,760 --> 01:12:50,330 We are swimming back to Rome. 1054 01:12:51,120 --> 01:12:52,201 Okay. 1055 01:12:57,200 --> 01:12:58,660 I just talked to your dad. 1056 01:12:58,760 --> 01:13:00,569 And we've got to get you out of here pronto. 1057 01:13:01,040 --> 01:13:02,530 I never want to see him again. 1058 01:13:03,200 --> 01:13:05,180 What're you talking about? Your dad's a great guy. 1059 01:13:05,280 --> 01:13:06,645 He loves you like you're his own. 1060 01:13:07,160 --> 01:13:08,650 I am his own! 1061 01:13:08,840 --> 01:13:11,081 He's literally the worst father ever! 1062 01:13:11,640 --> 01:13:13,380 Do you know it would break your mom's heart 1063 01:13:13,480 --> 01:13:15,642 to hear you bugging out on your dad like this? 1064 01:13:16,560 --> 01:13:17,971 You knew my mom? 1065 01:13:18,640 --> 01:13:22,167 Yeah. One of the most amazing women I ever met. 1066 01:13:22,960 --> 01:13:23,961 Really? 1067 01:13:24,320 --> 01:13:26,243 You didn't want to cross her in the sack. 1068 01:13:26,640 --> 01:13:30,167 Those hips of hers would put a love lock on you to beat the band. 1069 01:13:31,640 --> 01:13:33,005 Wait, what? 1070 01:13:33,160 --> 01:13:34,924 I remember there was one night 1071 01:13:35,040 --> 01:13:39,060 she had me and your dad absolutely twisted in knots. 1072 01:13:39,160 --> 01:13:42,642 I was driving the freight train, your dad's tearing tickets in the caboose. 1073 01:13:44,200 --> 01:13:46,009 She had a mouth like Chinese fingercuffs. 1074 01:13:46,120 --> 01:13:50,250 You know where you try to pull it out but it just keeps getting tighter... 1075 01:13:50,360 --> 01:13:52,124 Stop it! God. 1076 01:13:52,720 --> 01:13:54,324 Look... I'm not going. 1077 01:13:54,480 --> 01:13:57,180 Well, Mugatu's planning to crack your chest open, 1078 01:13:57,280 --> 01:13:59,567 cut your heart out with a knife, and drink your blood! 1079 01:13:59,760 --> 01:14:00,740 What? 1080 01:14:00,840 --> 01:14:02,888 Here he comes. Everything's gonna be okay. 1081 01:14:04,040 --> 01:14:07,044 It's okay, it's okay. I was exaggerating. 1082 01:14:15,120 --> 01:14:17,202 It's D-Day, little dumpling. 1083 01:14:31,200 --> 01:14:32,565 You're an amazing swimmer. 1084 01:14:36,800 --> 01:14:38,848 Why are you doing this? 1085 01:14:39,040 --> 01:14:40,804 Don't talk with your mouth full. 1086 01:15:26,200 --> 01:15:27,740 It's soaking wet! It's ruined! 1087 01:15:27,840 --> 01:15:30,180 How are we gonna reach Hansel? We need a phone. 1088 01:15:30,280 --> 01:15:31,441 Wait a minute. 1089 01:15:35,520 --> 01:15:36,806 Like this one? 1090 01:15:45,000 --> 01:15:45,980 Derek. 1091 01:15:46,080 --> 01:15:47,460 - Hansel, where are you? - I don't know. 1092 01:15:47,560 --> 01:15:48,540 Some kind of tunnel. 1093 01:15:48,640 --> 01:15:50,780 I think we're underneath the IncrediBall. 1094 01:15:50,880 --> 01:15:53,020 It smells like the ruins of an ancient bathhouse. 1095 01:15:53,120 --> 01:15:54,724 It's at the Caracalla Baths. 1096 01:15:54,920 --> 01:15:57,491 I'll drop a pin or a needle or whatever and you can track my coordinates. 1097 01:15:57,840 --> 01:15:58,860 Cool. 1098 01:15:58,960 --> 01:16:00,928 They'll never let us in looking like this. 1099 01:16:07,440 --> 01:16:09,522 Interpol Fashion Division! 1100 01:16:10,040 --> 01:16:12,247 We need your vehicle and your clothes. Now! 1101 01:16:44,400 --> 01:16:47,244 Why is Anna Wintour walking away from the red carpet? 1102 01:17:05,320 --> 01:17:06,845 We have to get in there. 1103 01:17:08,040 --> 01:17:11,089 Every bathhouse I've ever worked at always had a rear entrance. 1104 01:17:11,600 --> 01:17:13,443 I'm sure this one's no different. Come on. 1105 01:17:21,680 --> 01:17:23,045 This is definitely it. 1106 01:17:23,800 --> 01:17:27,441 If I feel around here long enough, I should be able to find the hole... 1107 01:17:39,240 --> 01:17:40,401 Derek! 1108 01:17:41,000 --> 01:17:42,161 Hansel! 1109 01:17:43,560 --> 01:17:45,380 Boy, am I glad to see you guys. 1110 01:17:45,480 --> 01:17:48,051 Hansel, my son is going to die hating me. 1111 01:17:48,400 --> 01:17:50,140 Hating you? The last time I saw him, 1112 01:17:50,240 --> 01:17:51,820 he couldn't stop talking about how much he loves you. 1113 01:17:51,920 --> 01:17:54,140 - Really? He said that? - Yes. 1114 01:17:54,240 --> 01:17:57,642 Yes. I mean, I'm kind of paraphrasing, and you had to read between the lines 1115 01:17:57,760 --> 01:17:59,250 but, basically. 1116 01:17:59,360 --> 01:18:01,300 Shut up! Can we talk about this later? 1117 01:18:01,400 --> 01:18:04,006 Yeah, come on. Let's go! This way! 1118 01:18:26,760 --> 01:18:28,260 That's Alexander Wang. 1119 01:18:28,360 --> 01:18:30,044 And Vera Wang. 1120 01:18:30,640 --> 01:18:31,846 Both Wangs. 1121 01:18:34,000 --> 01:18:35,365 Marc Jacobs. 1122 01:18:36,200 --> 01:18:37,611 Tommy Hilfiger. 1123 01:18:38,080 --> 01:18:40,686 They are all here for the sacrifice. 1124 01:18:57,320 --> 01:19:00,005 In the beginning of time 1125 01:19:00,280 --> 01:19:04,540 God created Adam and Eve 1126 01:19:04,640 --> 01:19:07,007 and Steve! 1127 01:19:07,960 --> 01:19:09,644 Mugatu! 1128 01:19:10,160 --> 01:19:11,844 Mugatu! 1129 01:19:12,440 --> 01:19:15,922 Mugatu! 1130 01:19:33,800 --> 01:19:35,211 - D.J. - Wait. 1131 01:19:35,320 --> 01:19:36,651 We don't have backup yet. 1132 01:19:40,280 --> 01:19:45,081 Jacobeem Mugowto has deliver us the Choosen Why-yun. 1133 01:19:48,360 --> 01:19:50,362 And behold. 1134 01:19:50,480 --> 01:19:55,020 God expunged Steve from the Garden, only to redeem us with eternal youth... 1135 01:19:55,120 --> 01:19:56,100 No. 1136 01:19:56,200 --> 01:19:59,568 ...bathed in the blood of the fat little Chosen One! 1137 01:20:01,000 --> 01:20:02,286 - Derek! - Derek, don't. 1138 01:20:02,400 --> 01:20:03,447 No! 1139 01:20:10,720 --> 01:20:12,620 I don't care if you're fat anymore, Derek Jr. 1140 01:20:12,720 --> 01:20:13,740 I love you. 1141 01:20:13,840 --> 01:20:16,260 Look, I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, 1142 01:20:16,360 --> 01:20:18,220 but you are by far the best one. 1143 01:20:18,320 --> 01:20:19,606 I was a mistake? 1144 01:20:19,720 --> 01:20:22,980 I think so. To tell you the truth, we were having so much sex, I can't remember. 1145 01:20:23,080 --> 01:20:25,082 Tell me about it, muchacho. 1146 01:20:26,200 --> 01:20:29,647 You're beautiful. You have the fire. You just need to believe it. 1147 01:20:29,960 --> 01:20:32,691 - The fire? - The fire in your face. 1148 01:20:33,080 --> 01:20:35,082 I lost it the day I killed your mom. 1149 01:20:36,320 --> 01:20:39,500 Look. It's a sad, scared little boy 1150 01:20:39,600 --> 01:20:42,763 talking to his fat son about their feelings. 1151 01:20:43,960 --> 01:20:45,928 You are responsible for all this! 1152 01:20:46,040 --> 01:20:48,380 You lured me to Italy so you could escape from prison. 1153 01:20:48,480 --> 01:20:51,290 You made Don Atari and Alexanya hire me to set this trap. 1154 01:20:51,600 --> 01:20:52,886 But enough is enough! 1155 01:20:53,320 --> 01:20:56,642 Enough is enough! Eat my blade, Junior! 1156 01:20:57,120 --> 01:20:59,487 Time to die, Chubby Checker! 1157 01:21:03,560 --> 01:21:05,005 Magnum, buddy. Now. 1158 01:21:06,920 --> 01:21:08,160 I can do this. 1159 01:21:22,640 --> 01:21:24,483 That did not work at all. 1160 01:21:26,480 --> 01:21:28,244 It just doesn't hold up, does it? 1161 01:21:29,160 --> 01:21:31,220 You sleuthed the whole thing out, Derek, 1162 01:21:31,320 --> 01:21:34,580 but you failed to de-sleuth the most important piece of the puzzle. 1163 01:21:34,680 --> 01:21:36,500 I owned the construction company 1164 01:21:36,600 --> 01:21:39,001 that built the Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good. 1165 01:21:41,000 --> 01:21:43,162 I personally made sure they cut corners. 1166 01:21:43,320 --> 01:21:44,526 Literally! 1167 01:21:46,160 --> 01:21:47,180 But that means that... 1168 01:21:47,280 --> 01:21:50,648 That's right, JuJu Bean. That's How I Killed Your Mother! 1169 01:21:51,520 --> 01:21:54,729 On CBS, right after Two Broke Girls. 1170 01:21:55,680 --> 01:21:57,100 Dad, it wasn't you! 1171 01:21:57,200 --> 01:21:58,531 It wasn't... 1172 01:21:58,720 --> 01:22:01,451 Wait. You called me Dad. 1173 01:22:02,160 --> 01:22:03,685 I guess I did. 1174 01:22:04,440 --> 01:22:06,460 Now you don't have the ceremonial knife! 1175 01:22:06,560 --> 01:22:09,040 Which means, no Fountain of Youth! 1176 01:22:09,680 --> 01:22:12,081 Come on, Derek! We need the blood! 1177 01:22:12,520 --> 01:22:16,525 Stop being so emotional, Derek. Just give him the goddamn knife. 1178 01:22:16,680 --> 01:22:18,420 Derek, we need the blood! 1179 01:22:18,520 --> 01:22:24,482 Blood of Steve! Blood of Steve! 1180 01:22:24,840 --> 01:22:27,764 Blood of Steve! Give him back the knife, Derek. 1181 01:22:27,880 --> 01:22:32,460 Blood of Steve! Blood of Steve! 1182 01:22:32,560 --> 01:22:34,289 Shut up, Valentino! 1183 01:22:35,720 --> 01:22:38,200 Just shut up! Everyone shut up! 1184 01:22:38,320 --> 01:22:40,288 There is no Fountain of Youth! 1185 01:22:41,440 --> 01:22:42,566 What? 1186 01:22:43,040 --> 01:22:46,203 I mean, Adam and Eve and Steve? 1187 01:22:46,640 --> 01:22:49,530 Are you serious? You actually believed that crap? 1188 01:22:50,040 --> 01:22:51,201 What? 1189 01:22:51,480 --> 01:22:55,280 It's literally the stupidest thing I've ever heard! 1190 01:22:55,680 --> 01:22:59,685 I get it if Alexander Wang believes it, but the rest of you, come on! 1191 01:23:00,400 --> 01:23:04,086 Please. Without me, you'd still be cutting patterns at Men's Wearhouse. 1192 01:23:04,360 --> 01:23:06,727 Look, it's the White Witch from Narnia! 1193 01:23:08,400 --> 01:23:12,086 No, I'm sorry it's just Anna Wintour. I'll knock your teeth out! 1194 01:23:12,280 --> 01:23:14,442 I'll rip your goddamn tongue out! 1195 01:23:14,760 --> 01:23:16,980 Check out the new spring collection from Hilfiger... 1196 01:23:17,080 --> 01:23:18,809 Brought to you by white privilege! 1197 01:23:19,200 --> 01:23:21,885 You couldn't make a down jacket to save your life! 1198 01:23:22,240 --> 01:23:23,287 Asshole. 1199 01:23:23,680 --> 01:23:26,206 I don't understand. You're saying the legend isn't true? 1200 01:23:26,360 --> 01:23:28,488 Why are you doing all of this, then? 1201 01:23:28,800 --> 01:23:31,724 Because Marc, by Marc Jacobs 1202 01:23:32,800 --> 01:23:35,300 I knew that there'd only be one thing that would gather 1203 01:23:35,400 --> 01:23:40,770 the entire idiotic fashion world into one place with no exit! 1204 01:23:40,920 --> 01:23:42,046 Todd! Doors! 1205 01:23:47,360 --> 01:23:48,771 Todd! Silks! 1206 01:23:54,040 --> 01:23:58,284 For years you all left me to die in a stinking cell! 1207 01:23:58,480 --> 01:24:00,801 Well, now it's my turn! 1208 01:24:04,760 --> 01:24:06,808 I was living a peaceful life of reclusion. 1209 01:24:07,440 --> 01:24:08,851 Why drag me into this? 1210 01:24:10,560 --> 01:24:12,660 Because my big issue is 1211 01:24:12,760 --> 01:24:15,650 I hate you, Derek Zoolander! 1212 01:24:17,480 --> 01:24:20,962 Then why kill all those pop stars? Why kill Justin Bieber? 1213 01:24:21,920 --> 01:24:25,481 Really? You're asking me why I killed Justin Bieber? 1214 01:24:29,640 --> 01:24:31,005 Todd! Pooch! 1215 01:24:38,360 --> 01:24:39,521 It's a bomb! 1216 01:24:39,840 --> 01:24:41,490 Not just any bomb. 1217 01:24:41,720 --> 01:24:46,886 A device, designed by Philippe Starck in collaboration with Al-Qaeda 1218 01:24:47,000 --> 01:24:49,685 for their new spring explosive collection. 1219 01:24:50,120 --> 01:24:51,963 Todd! Floor! 1220 01:24:55,040 --> 01:24:58,044 When I throw this into this ancient pool of lava, 1221 01:24:58,200 --> 01:25:00,601 it will overflow, killing everyone in fashion. 1222 01:25:01,680 --> 01:25:03,364 Leaving only me. 1223 01:25:03,680 --> 01:25:05,140 You can't kill fashion! 1224 01:25:05,240 --> 01:25:08,050 I'm afraid fashion already killed itself. 1225 01:25:08,440 --> 01:25:11,125 Mugatu! I'm coming across! 1226 01:25:13,680 --> 01:25:14,886 Derek! 1227 01:25:15,480 --> 01:25:17,926 Heat is a temporal construct of the mind. 1228 01:25:18,040 --> 01:25:19,020 Yes. 1229 01:25:19,120 --> 01:25:20,610 It doesn't exist. 1230 01:25:25,160 --> 01:25:27,766 It's so hot! It's hot! 1231 01:25:34,000 --> 01:25:35,020 Jesus! 1232 01:25:35,120 --> 01:25:36,963 Stop it, Hansel! Stop it! 1233 01:25:38,600 --> 01:25:40,100 Derek, toss me the knife. 1234 01:25:40,200 --> 01:25:41,361 You got it! 1235 01:25:49,080 --> 01:25:50,206 Sorry. 1236 01:25:52,560 --> 01:25:53,766 So stupid. 1237 01:25:54,160 --> 01:25:57,050 What the hell is your problem? 1238 01:25:57,160 --> 01:25:59,003 You guys are the absolute worst. 1239 01:25:59,680 --> 01:26:01,569 Put the bomb down, Mugatu! 1240 01:26:03,000 --> 01:26:06,049 You're the bubble-butted Playboy model trying to take me down. 1241 01:26:06,360 --> 01:26:07,486 Swimsuit model! 1242 01:26:07,760 --> 01:26:10,161 Sports Illustrated cover, three years in a row! 1243 01:26:29,200 --> 01:26:31,601 - Katinka... - ...Ingaborgovinananananana! 1244 01:26:34,840 --> 01:26:37,969 Game on, my sexy sister. 1245 01:26:46,040 --> 01:26:48,202 Look! They're sexy fighting! 1246 01:26:59,880 --> 01:27:01,370 Awesome. 1247 01:27:04,440 --> 01:27:05,885 Tommy likee. 1248 01:27:09,480 --> 01:27:12,006 Hey, idiots! Maybe this will get your attention! 1249 01:27:12,120 --> 01:27:14,327 I've got a bomb in my hand and it's armed! 1250 01:27:20,480 --> 01:27:22,323 Derek, now! Magnum! Do it! 1251 01:27:22,720 --> 01:27:24,609 Fly, baby, fly! 1252 01:27:25,800 --> 01:27:27,245 Bust it out! 1253 01:27:34,920 --> 01:27:36,604 Yes! I knew it. 1254 01:27:48,720 --> 01:27:50,051 Hansel, I need your help. 1255 01:27:50,480 --> 01:27:51,641 Here, let me try! 1256 01:27:54,640 --> 01:27:57,325 It's not working! Derek, it's not working! 1257 01:27:57,520 --> 01:28:00,260 I can't hold it, Hansel! I don't have it! 1258 01:28:00,360 --> 01:28:02,567 You've got your son! I've got nothing. 1259 01:28:04,680 --> 01:28:06,125 Not anymore, Hansel. 1260 01:28:07,600 --> 01:28:08,931 Who's your daddy now? 1261 01:28:09,280 --> 01:28:13,001 I don't know who my daddy is! That's the whole point! 1262 01:28:13,240 --> 01:28:14,526 - Hansel. - What? 1263 01:28:17,080 --> 01:28:18,491 I am your father. 1264 01:28:20,040 --> 01:28:22,042 Holy shit. Sting? 1265 01:28:22,160 --> 01:28:23,730 Let's do this now. 1266 01:28:24,200 --> 01:28:25,884 Synchronicity. 1267 01:28:44,400 --> 01:28:47,980 Nice try, but that looks about as powerful as your fat son's... 1268 01:28:48,080 --> 01:28:49,969 I'm not fat! 1269 01:28:51,880 --> 01:28:53,564 He's plus size. 1270 01:28:55,320 --> 01:28:57,084 And I've got the fire. 1271 01:29:02,960 --> 01:29:05,964 El Niño! It's real. 1272 01:29:09,000 --> 01:29:10,490 It's so beautiful. 1273 01:29:12,240 --> 01:29:13,765 Bellissima. 1274 01:29:19,160 --> 01:29:21,083 The prophecy was true. 1275 01:29:22,760 --> 01:29:24,603 He is the Chosen One. 1276 01:29:31,800 --> 01:29:35,691 Hansel. He's still so hot right now. 1277 01:29:46,240 --> 01:29:49,130 No way! It's a glitter bomb! 1278 01:30:02,400 --> 01:30:03,811 Looks like you still have it. 1279 01:30:04,120 --> 01:30:06,691 I guess I do. Well, we do. 1280 01:30:11,680 --> 01:30:12,761 Your face! 1281 01:30:13,320 --> 01:30:14,765 How bad is it? 1282 01:30:15,160 --> 01:30:16,924 Welcome to my world, bro. 1283 01:30:17,160 --> 01:30:18,740 - Hansel! - Hansel! 1284 01:30:18,840 --> 01:30:20,330 - Orgy! - Hansel! 1285 01:30:24,320 --> 01:30:25,845 What are they doing here? 1286 01:30:26,880 --> 01:30:30,248 I knew how much they meant to you, so I called them on the way over. 1287 01:30:30,360 --> 01:30:31,850 You did that for me? 1288 01:30:32,520 --> 01:30:35,967 You're the best friend anyone could ever ask for, Derek Zoolander. 1289 01:30:40,360 --> 01:30:41,805 You look so beautiful. 1290 01:30:43,480 --> 01:30:44,845 We missed you so much. 1291 01:30:44,960 --> 01:30:46,100 And I've missed you, too. 1292 01:30:46,200 --> 01:30:49,283 And I'm ready to be a father. To all our children. 1293 01:30:51,560 --> 01:30:52,891 Minus one. 1294 01:30:54,440 --> 01:30:55,441 What? 1295 01:30:56,000 --> 01:30:57,684 I lost my baby. 1296 01:30:58,080 --> 01:30:59,161 No. 1297 01:30:59,880 --> 01:31:02,326 I guess kicking the door down wasn't such a good idea. 1298 01:31:04,000 --> 01:31:06,048 We're going to be a family, that's all that matters. 1299 01:31:14,560 --> 01:31:17,370 Wait. Are you sure? 1300 01:31:18,240 --> 01:31:20,720 You're right. We shouldn't. 1301 01:31:21,880 --> 01:31:26,249 Hey. It's okay, Dad. I don't think Mom would mind. 1302 01:31:33,320 --> 01:31:34,481 Matilda. 1303 01:31:35,200 --> 01:31:36,884 Go to her, Derek. 1304 01:31:37,760 --> 01:31:39,000 You're cool with it? 1305 01:31:39,280 --> 01:31:40,884 I'm totally cool with it. 1306 01:31:41,520 --> 01:31:45,206 I'm dead. Literally nothing bothers me anymore. 1307 01:31:46,240 --> 01:31:47,287 And guess what? 1308 01:31:47,400 --> 01:31:51,166 Mugatu live-streamed all of this to every fashion blog on the planet. 1309 01:31:51,720 --> 01:31:53,848 Everybody loves you guys again. 1310 01:31:54,480 --> 01:31:57,500 - Did you hear that? - We did it. We're back. 1311 01:31:57,600 --> 01:32:00,080 And famous. And totally self-realized. 1312 01:32:00,600 --> 01:32:02,409 Are you thinking what I'm thinking? 1313 01:32:03,040 --> 01:32:04,405 If you're thinking... 1314 01:32:04,600 --> 01:32:06,762 Lava pool party! 1315 01:32:09,000 --> 01:32:10,445 No! 1316 01:32:13,920 --> 01:32:14,940 They're back! 1317 01:32:15,040 --> 01:32:17,180 After six weeks in the burn ward, 1318 01:32:17,280 --> 01:32:21,820 their disgusting facial scars healed by a miraculous hot lava treatment 1319 01:32:21,920 --> 01:32:25,180 Derek Zoolander and Hansel owning the runway once again 1320 01:32:25,280 --> 01:32:30,650 after exposing fashion's top designers in yet another human sacrifice scandal. 1321 01:32:30,760 --> 01:32:34,620 This time with the aid of Interpol agent Valentina Valencia, 1322 01:32:34,720 --> 01:32:36,563 now Zoolander's wife. 1323 01:32:37,080 --> 01:32:38,580 The two recently broke ground 1324 01:32:38,680 --> 01:32:41,020 for the Valentina Valencia Center For Swimsuit Models 1325 01:32:41,120 --> 01:32:42,540 Who Want To Be Taken Seriously 1326 01:32:42,640 --> 01:32:45,260 And Maybe Transition Into Law Enforcement Too. 1327 01:32:45,360 --> 01:32:49,140 Hansel, definitely back and fully self-realized. 1328 01:32:49,240 --> 01:32:51,900 Now a model parent. And father often. 1329 01:32:52,000 --> 01:32:56,540 As crowds at Paris Fashion Week go cray-cray for Derek Zoolander, Jr., 1330 01:32:56,640 --> 01:32:59,100 the world's hottest plus size model-slash- 1331 01:32:59,200 --> 01:33:00,540 National Book Award winner- 1332 01:33:00,640 --> 01:33:03,740 slash-one-halfofcelebrity couple Zoolala. 1333 01:33:03,840 --> 01:33:06,300 Yes, these three are totally on fleek... 1334 01:33:06,400 --> 01:33:09,180 Redefining what it means to be really really 1335 01:33:09,280 --> 01:33:12,124 ridiculously good-Iooking. 1336 01:33:16,000 --> 01:33:17,525 Pumped up with the sex appeal 1337 01:33:17,680 --> 01:33:19,260 'Bout to cop another feel Then I foot the bill 1338 01:33:19,360 --> 01:33:22,980 I got bang bang with the looks that kill Sashay, Shante, then hit the blue steel 1339 01:33:23,080 --> 01:33:24,900 Trying to take a ride in the cool mobile 1340 01:33:25,000 --> 01:33:26,968 You wanna keep me on the line 'Cause my culo real 1341 01:33:27,080 --> 01:33:28,860 Rockstar shit with the Goose on the chill 1342 01:33:28,960 --> 01:33:31,088 My pockets so fat, got a sumo deal 1343 01:33:31,200 --> 01:33:34,807 I'm a star, so the camera flicker Look at her go, blame it on the liquor 1344 01:33:34,920 --> 01:33:38,260 Doing it big, my selfie two figures Could give it up, but I ain't a quitter 1345 01:33:38,360 --> 01:33:42,020 Ooh, I be flyer than you World domination, I'm so Mugatu 1346 01:33:42,120 --> 01:33:44,060 Yes, I be smashin', plenty of fashion 1347 01:33:44,160 --> 01:33:46,180 Doing my anthem, Now give 'em the Magnum 1348 01:33:46,280 --> 01:33:49,140 Relax, don't do it When you wanna go to it 1349 01:33:49,240 --> 01:33:51,322 Relax, don't do it 1350 01:33:53,160 --> 01:33:56,780 Relax, don't do it When we got the club moving 1351 01:33:56,880 --> 01:33:58,740 Relax, don't do it 1352 01:33:58,840 --> 01:34:03,164 When you wanna come 1353 01:34:16,240 --> 01:34:19,900 Pack it up, old lames You just irrelevant to us 1354 01:34:20,000 --> 01:34:23,641 Old as the presidents Your style is like the republican twos 1355 01:34:23,760 --> 01:34:26,860 That's a definite Give grief to all your relatives 1356 01:34:26,960 --> 01:34:30,442 And next of kin and Gave 'em D-attention, no decificit 1357 01:34:30,600 --> 01:34:33,300 When I say ancient relics, Hansel and Derek, 1358 01:34:33,400 --> 01:34:34,900 I'm handsome, you jealous 1359 01:34:35,000 --> 01:34:39,449 I can tell it from your facial expressions Or I take it, you smell it 1360 01:34:39,560 --> 01:34:45,090 I'm sorry. Don Atari, but Donatella Suggested Valentino for the party 1361 01:34:45,720 --> 01:34:48,929 Shoot it in the right direction 1362 01:34:49,280 --> 01:34:53,020 Make it your intention 1363 01:34:53,120 --> 01:34:54,980 Live those dreams 1364 01:34:55,080 --> 01:34:56,940 Scheme those schemes 1365 01:34:57,040 --> 01:34:59,020 You gotta hit me 1366 01:34:59,120 --> 01:35:00,940 Hit me with those laser beams 1367 01:35:01,040 --> 01:35:04,220 Relax, don't do it When you wanna go to it 1368 01:35:04,320 --> 01:35:08,060 Relax, don't do it When you wanna come 1369 01:35:08,160 --> 01:35:09,940 Relax, don't do it 1370 01:35:10,040 --> 01:35:11,900 When we got the club moving 1371 01:35:12,000 --> 01:35:13,700 Relax, don't do it 1372 01:35:13,800 --> 01:35:17,122 When you wanna come 1373 01:35:18,480 --> 01:35:21,962 When you wanna come 1374 01:35:30,520 --> 01:35:31,965 Relax99479