All language subtitles for The Grand Tour - S03E13 - Survival of the Fattest_ENG2

(RUMBLE OF THUNDER)

JEREMY: Soon the rain
became torrential.

(CRASH OF THUNDER)

Which meant it was time

to unleash Professor
Hammond's invention.

-What the hell is that?
-That is a windscreen wiper.

Now, to me.

To you.

To me... to you.

To me.

Hammond, we're gonna
have to face facts.

-To me.
-It doesn't work.

To you.

To me.

It doesn't work, does it?

This is raining
quite heavily now.

(CRASH OF THUNDER)

What is all...
What's happening
above me here, look?

Above you?

(RICHARD AND JEREMY LAUGH)

(ALL THREE LAUGH)

-Oh, dear.
-James, I'm afraid,
ladies and gentlemen,

has wet himself.

(ALL THREE LAUGH)

-We need to work on that.
-We do.

-It can't rain all day,
can it?
-Yes.

-Oh, it's...
-Rain before seven,
fine by 11.

I don't think
that works in Mongolia.

-That's only in Cotswolds.
-(THUNDER)

JEREMY:
Oh, hello, what's this?

Look at that ridge.

Look at that funny ridge.

JEREMY:
What we'd stumbled on here
was a huge geological scar...

...that seemingly
ran on for ever.

I read about this in a book,
actually, before
I came out here.

There used to be a lake as
big as that one over there,

the one we camped by
last night, here,

and then in 1905
there was an earthquake,

a truly cataclysmic
earthquake.

The lake was consumed.
It simply disappeared

and a crack 400 kilometres
long was formed in the earth.

But luckily,
this enormous earthquake
happened in Mongolia.

So the death toll...was 15.

As I marvelled
at the power of the planet,

the Professor
was busy mending
and extending our roof.

Right, so if we put
these two bars across...

If you pull that
over to your side...

That's better.

JEREMY: With that done,
we resumed our journey.

And since the Very Big Crack

was one of the features on
our Winnie-the-Pooh map,

we knew that next up
was the wooden house.

It doesn't say
what the house is.

JAMES: Could it be a pub?
RICHARD: Well...

JEREMY: Well, it could be.
-Exactly right.

Or just an off-licence.

If it is a pub, on that map

it's about 100 miles high,
so we won't miss it.

JEREMY: Oh, no, this pub is
bigger than the Gobi Desert.

Yeah, we should spot it,
then.

It should also have
plenty of stock,
which it's going to need.

JEREMY: Since we couldn't
only talk about drink,

we tried to come up with some
other topics of conversation.

I did a turd yesterday, OK?

I looked down at it

and it was two storeys
with a little bit sticking up

and, as I looked down,
this fly landed on it.

You could see it.
It looked at me like,
"This is now my palace."

Then later on that same fly
was in your tent.

With that subject exhausted,
we fell back on
my new favourite topic.

There's no getting away
from the fact, though,

that Genghis Khan was
the greatest military mind

-the world has ever seen.
-But an utter bastard.

Oh, an utter bastard.

I mean,
Genghis once did one town

and then he cut
all the women and children
and cats' heads off

and made a pyramid
out of them.

-Cats is a nice touch.
-Yeah.

He hadn't got enough.
He needed some filler
for his pyramid,

so he cut
all the cats' heads off.

See, that's a warning
to the next town, isn't it?

The next town is
gonna say, "We give in."

"Ah, Mr Khan, we've had
a look at your CV and,
yes, you can have the city."

-"And everything in it."
-"Help yourself!"

But there has never been
a greater military mind.

I mean, the Roman Empire

compared to the Mongol Empire

was literally
a speck of dust.

His went from the Yellow Sea
to the Danube.

At this point, our
conversation was interrupted
by something hilarious.

-Oh, my God!
-Oh, ho-ho!

-Oh, dear.
-Can we just see that
on that camera?

I don't know if we can
turn it round a bit.

That's our camera
tracking car.

-(LAUGHS) It's stuck.
-Stuck.

-John isn't.
John is not stuck.
-Are we stuck? No.

As we needed the camera crew
to make this miserable trip
worthwhile,

we had to rescue them.

Are you feeling a bit smug?

-I am actually full of smug.
-Yeah.

-OK, here we go.
JAMES: Ready to go?

In three, two, one.

Dump that clutch. Dump it.

-And we're free!
-John has done it!

John has succeeded!

John has pulled
the mass-produced
Toyota Land Cruiser

out of the mire!

Here's the message
we're giving you all.

Buy Mongolian.

Riding on
a cushion of smugness,
we resumed our search

for the wooden pub.

But soon it became
a cushion of misery.

(WIND WHISTLES)

Oh, that is cold now.

Brrr-brrr-brrr.

(RICHARD GROANS)
How can the temperature
vary this much this quickly?

It's incredible.

(GROANS) It's because
it's land-locked, isn't it?

-There's no sea
to moderate it.
-Exactly.

Moments later, though,
our spirits were lifted.

-What's that?
-Pub. That's the pub.

This is the first time
in two-and-a-half days
that I have hope in my heart.

-Well, what do you want?
-Scotch.

-I'd have mulled wine.
-No, brandy. I think brandy.

What about
some King's Ginger?

Ooh, God! Yes.

-There's the door. Right.
-The door. The door.

Three pints of your finest,
please, landlord.

Locked?

Shut, maybe.

-It's not open.
-Well, they might just
not be up.

-Hello...in Mongolian.
-Hello.

-Oh, wait.
-Hello.

-Oh, no, hang on.
-It's empty.

-It is, isn't it?
-It's disused.

(WIND WHISTLING)

-Hungry. Hungry now.
RICHARD: Yeah.

-And damp.
-And damp. Very damp.

You know on other TV shows
where you've got, like,
explorers and stuff?

You mean Bear Grylls?

Yeah, they don't moan,
do they?

-No, they don't moan...
-He doesn't moan.

-...because they
go back to a hotel.
-Yeah.

"Oh, I'm being chased
by a bear,"

which is a man in a (BLEEP)
bear costume,
and then he goes to a hotel.

We, on the other hand,
are stupid enough to sit
in a homemade car

when it's minus 40,
with no drink, no food,

and no end in sight
to this journey.

I'm actually getting fed up.

JEREMY: Several
horrible hours later, though,

our spirits were
lifted once more.

Wait a second. Is that...

That's a road.

That's the first made road
we've seen.

The only place it can go
is Moron.

-It's the only place.
-There isn't any other.

Why go to the trouble
of making a road unless
it goes to the only town?

-It's a road!
-This goes to Moron!

JEREMY: We're on a road!

Oh, let's get some speed up.

We'll be at the pub tonight!

Pub tonight,
we'll be straight there.

Oh, my God!

I've never been so happy
in my entire life.

-There's a bridge...
-Smell it.

We haven't even got
to clamber down.
There's an actual bridge!

JEREMY: The bridge,
as it turned out, was
the Wibbly Wobbly Bridge.

But Wibbly Wobbly was
a bit of an understatement.

This was no problem for John,
though, who simply
hopped through the river.

It's a signature
characteristic.

-And back onto the road.
-It works.

-Here we go.
-Moron, here we come!

-Bunny hopping.
-Yes!

Yes! Yes!

What?

JAMES: Well, that was
a bit short-lived.

Oh, why has it just ended?

JEREMY:
The reason it had ended

was because of the
next feature on our map...

...which up close
appeared to be...

...completely impassable.

However, Eeyore likes
boggy and sad places, so...

-James, don't just...
James, don't drive in...
-As the bloody crow flies!

Well, pick a route!

JAMES: It's the same as
the stuff we were doing
yesterday.

-Slow down!
-Not so fast!

-Slow down!
-Calm down.
It's fine.

This is an off-roader.
It's perfectly capable
of this sort of thing.

-Well, it's not, is it?
It's...
-Just stop, stop, stop.

It is idiotic
to drive in here.

It's poured with rain all
last night and all morning.

It's gonna be
an absolute quagmire.

We've got to get
to those mountains.

-Well, look...
-Let's find a...

We'll find a way round it.
We need higher ground.

If we drive around...
Look, if we drive around it,

that could be an extra
100 miles for all we know.

The road leads here. This is
obviously the way you go.

They wouldn't build a road
to something you couldn't
drive through.

Where are you going now?

-Well, I'm aiming
for the mountains.
-Water here.

Oh, we've...

JAMES:
That's some mud. Don't worry.

Oh, James!

Agh! Agh!

JAMES:
No, that's not gonna work.

I'm going to kill him.

RICHARD: Oh, bloody hell!
You've buried it!

JAMES:
With two fewer passengers,
and the diffs locked...

JEREMY: Go on, James, go on.
Power, power, power!

...John boinged free.
-Yay!

RICHARD: Excellent effort.

JEREMY: Right, you're out.

Only another 300 miles
of this bog you've
driven into to go.

JEREMY: Thanks to
May's stubbornness,

it looked like
we'd be spending

the rest of the day on foot.

RICHARD: It could be
like this all the way.

Oh, shitty death,
that's a bit...

The bank collapsed.

JAMES: Luckily, the new
improved Richard Hammond
came up with a plan.

Right, this'll do.

Oh, for (BEEP) sake.

I can't get my shoe...

Oh, May! I've lost my shoes!

Ha!

What do you want me to do
before I die of hypothermia?

Because my shoes
are four feet
under the bog over there.

I'm going to shackle
the high-lift jack
to the eye on there.

I'm then going to shackle
this tow rope
to the high-lift jack.

I'm going to set 10 or 12
ground pins into the
solid ground over there,

use the parachute harness
as an anchor,
shackle this to that,

and use the jack
as a winch to wind it out.

I live in Holland Park,
I don't read
off-roading magazines.

JAMES: He's being very sort
of authoritative, for him.

Well, he's sober,
and he's in his element.

Right.

Give it a go.

Come on, come on!

Yay!

Yeah, those mountains are
only now 70 kilometres away!

RICHARD: Oh, dear God!

We could have found
a path round.

-(SPLASH)
-(JAMES SPUTTERS)

JEREMY: Several miles later,
James became
his stuckest yet.

Oh, my God.

-Ah-h-h...
-It'll be all right, go on.

-Agh, agh, agh!
-You're all right,
you'll be all right.

That's very perilous.

And then, alarmingly,
he asked Hammond
to take the wheel.

You're going... Wait a
minute, you're actually
letting him drive John?

Well, he's...
Well, he's from the country.

You've to remember,
that's only like

getting out of the
garage at Hammond's house.

-(JEREMY CHUCKLES)
-(ENGINE REVS)

You're in third gear.
Try first.

Honestly, mate,
anyone would think you'd
never driven this before.

RICHARD: Come on!
Come on, come... come out.

-Ah!
-He's ruined everything
in there.

The map, ruined.

Compass, ruined.
Cameras are ruined.

RICHARD:
It will go, it will...

Oh, that's not supposed...
I can save this.

And he's rolled it.
How far has he covered?

Less than its own length.

RICHARD: It's all right,
I'm used to this!

(JEREMY LAUGHS)

What are we going to do?

I know, why don't you,
with your vast bulk,
just stand up on there?

That could be enough to just
tip it back again. Jump off,
we're back where we started.

What?

-You want me to get on it?
-Well, just on there.

-That's a brilliant idea.
-You're the heaviest.

That's why they call
you Fatty Car Righter.

(GRUNTS) Right, I'm on.

(RICHARD LAUGHS)

This was entirely
predictable...

JAMES: There you go.
-It's working!

-Yay!
-Thank you.

-Right, the trouble is now,
James...
-Yeah?

-...he's stuck where he is.
-And you're stuck
where you are.

But if I climb over you
into that seat,
that should be enough.

This is like the end
of The Italian Job.

-Right, I'll stand
on the tyre.
-Yeah.

Right, so Hammond gets out.

-As I slide into the middle,
you get in at the same time.
-That's actually clever.

And then he can get back in
and we're all in.

-I'm out of there.
-And I'm going to get in now.

-Right.
-Right, I'm firing up.

(ENGINE REVS)

Coming...

-Agh!
-Jesus!

-Christ on a...
-That was close.

JEREMY: Right, we're out.
JAMES: There you go.

Stop, I want to get out.

I never want to drive
another inch with you,
or him.

After such
a fraught afternoon,

we all needed
a bit of me-time.

After several silent hours,

we stopped for the night
at what looked like
a promising spot.

-But it just isn't, is it?
-Not really.

(WIND WHISTLING)

RICHARD: But no matter.

The food and beverage manager
soon swung into action.

(HISS OF GAS)

Using traditional methods
to get this fire going.

And soon we shall have
some delicious rice.

-How would you like it,
boiled?
-Yeah.

-There's nothing
we can put with it.
-(BEEP) Ow! How's...

What manner of thing
has happened?

(BEEP) Shit! What's gone...

RICHARD:
Incoming. (MIMICS EXPLOSION)

Holy-moly!

It was a hand grenade.
It was literally
a hand grenade.

You set fire to the
plastic housing at the top.

JEREMY: As supper cooked, I
decided to string my new bow.

Where's my parachute cord?
Here.

This bow, it goes that way,
doesn't it, yeah?

No. Goes the other way.

-Goes that way?
-Yeah.

-That way?
-Yeah.

-But surely you'd pull it...
-No, that will break it.

Because the material
on the outside works better
when it's stretched.

Its tendon, sinew.

The material
on the inside, bone,

works better
under compression
when it's squashed.

It's the world's
first example of
composite materials.

Some Mongolian warriors were
the first to ever do that.

So they put the two materials
sandwiched together,

so the bone is squashed
on the inside...

The tendon is stretched
on the outside,

and then it goes "Pa-twang!"
And as a result,

their bows could be half
the length of a long bow,

and still as powerful.

So they could fire from
horseback over the neck,

and you fire to the right,
to the left, or behind.

Those are the three positions
they could fire.

I used to know this guy
called Richard Hammond
who was daft as a brush.

How do you know all that
stuff about bows and arrows?

It's just... I...

Because I'm
remembering things.

-(JEREMY LAUGHS)
-Don't like it!

JEREMY: The next morning,
after eating the last
of our food,

we resumed
our journey to Moron.

We reckoned
we'd covered 350 miles.

But as our map
was not to scale,

we had no idea
how much was left to go.

All we did know is that we
were hungry and worn out.

I've got incredible aches and
pains across my shoulders.

Well, there is no bit of me
that doesn't ache.

There's no bit of me that's
warm, comfortable, dry,

and I defecated
for the sixth, fifth,
sixth day on the trot

in a field like an animal.

-(THUDS)
-Oh!

-Oh, bloody...
-My back!

I think we got
some air there.

-(JAMES GROANS)
-Oh, shit.

(JAMES GROANS)

Oh, God, that was not good.

Still, at least things
soon got worse.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

Oh, brilliant.

Just getting
a golden shower now.

(ROARING WIND)

Oh, jeez,
that's the worst it's been.

JEREMY:
If there's a cliff at the top
of this, I'm going over.

I'm just going to end it now.

I want a glass of wine!

We were aiming for
the next target on our map,

which was Lots of Trees.

And soon, we found them.

-Oh, look at that.
RICHARD: Wow!

Wowee!

Holy mother of God, what
an amazing place we're in.

Next, we were looking
for the Big River,

and to get a better view
we made once more
for high ground.

-Come on, John.
-(JUDDERING AND RATTLING)

Yes, you can do it.

I'm sorry,
I find that quite funny.

I think it's when he's happy.

At the top,
there was no river in sight.

Just more Mongolia.

So we broke out the map.

Right, we've got
a decision to make.

I reckon we're here, OK?

Cos we've done Lots of Trees,

we're about just
sort the end of that bit.

And we've got to cross this
river, whatever happens.

We could go either this way
up north and around.

That probably is
a bit further.

Or we could go south.

-That is a lot further
than that.
-Yes.

But it ends in
the Deep River of Despair

with crashing water
over rocks.

They've...
It's illustrated on the map.

-That does not...
-They made a point
of drawing it like that.

If we can't cross there,
we'll have to come all the
way back up and round anyway.

If we go this way,
we'll find a track.

There'll be a way along the
side, the flanks of that lot.

-That valley there.
-Yes, round...

-That's a long way round.
-I know, but...

It's further but it
doesn't have that in it.

We are agreed,
then, gentlemen.

-We are heading north.
-Yes.

We're not interested
in pretty, we're not
interested in despair.

We're interested in wine.

-And the easiest route
is that one. There you go.
JEREMY: North.

RICHARD: Saddle up.

JEREMY: Our decision
had added yet more miles
to the journey.

But there was
an upside to that.

We would get to see more
of this achingly
beautiful country.

(WIND WHISTLES)

Mongolia just changed again.

-What was I not
expecting to see?
-Camels.

Yep. What am I seeing?

RICHARD:
Ooh. Pine. Smell. Ohh!

And that's real pine,
not pine out of a tin.

JEREMY: I tell you what
I'll be able to do in here.
-What?

Go off with my bow and arrow
and catch things.

-Ha-ha-ha!
-What do you mean,
"Ha-ha-ha!"?

-Look at that down there now.
-Look at the size
of that eagle on that rock!

-Holy crap!
JAMES: Oh, God, yes.

RICHARD: It's massive!

RICHARD: It's gonna be weird
going home

when you can't just
set off in the direction
you wanna go.

-I wanna go over there.
-Go over there, then.

It's gonna be really strange.

JEREMY: Many hours later,
we still hadn't spotted
the river.

Could you hear
my stomach rumbling?

Not over my own, no.

JEREMY: But then...

-That's the river.
-What?

That's the river.
I just saw it
at the foot of those hills.

You didn't, Hammond.
Can you see a river, James?

-No.
-Neither can I.

-It's the river
of gin in his imagination.
-He's gone mental.

-You'll see it in a minute.
At the foot of that cliff.
-Oh, my...

-Oh, he's right.
-Thank you.

JEREMY: All we had to do now
was get down to it.

And I had a simple plan.

-Why don't we go down here?
-You don't know
what's over this edge.

-It might be really steep
and horrible.
-It might be sheer.

-(COMEDY VOICE) Relax!
-No, it's not relaxing.

RICHARD: James, will you hold
it in low ratio?
-Yes, I am.

Because if it pops out now...

Then we would be in
a world of pain.

We'd be doing a million
miles per hour by the time...

JEREMY: Literally a million.

(CLUNKING AND RATTLING)

-It's steep, isn't it?
-It is steep!

JEREMY:
It's steeper than I thought.

Soon, though, thanks to my
brilliant plan and driving,

we made it!

JEREMY: Oh,
a smooth run to the river.

Pop across it. Quick
evening drive into Moron.

RICHARD: Yeah, we can
still get there tonight now.

JEREMY: But then
when we arrived at the river,

our hearts sank
into our empty stomachs.

Look at what's on
the other side. I mean, look.

-Yeah, that's...
-Observe to your left,
gentlemen.

RICHARD: That is
a huge problem.
Well, we can't get out.

JAMES: We'll not even
get up there, to be honest.
RICHARD: What do we do?

We have to do cross it.

-The thing is,
it'll take us hours...
-Yeah.

JAMES: Yeah.
-..to find somewhere
to cross.

-Hours.
JAMES: And then
it'll be dark.

-Yes.
-So...say it.

We're going to--
Yes, we're going to
have to camp here.

But we've got no food.

JEREMY:
That wasn't quite true.

We had some flour,
and a packet of creamer.

Which we mixed with
some ice-sharp river water,

and fresh herbs
to create a soup

that was
surprisingly disgusting.

And the next morning,
we began our search

for a crossing point.

But hang on, is that a gap
coming up there?

JEREMY: Even if we could
do 30 yards, look behind it.

Look, we've got to turn
around and try the other way.

Hang on, hang on.
What about there?

JAMES: Actually,
that looks quite good.

-There's basically a lawn
on the other side.
-The other side is fantastic.

-And there's a gap
in the mountain.
-But look how deep it is.

-Yeah, that's ten feet deep.
-Going to drown the car
getting across.

JEREMY: Eventually though,
after several more miles
of searching...

Wait a minute.
That looks extremely good.

RICHARD: That's the way out.

JEREMY: And the river's
shallow there. Can you see?

-Where it's...
-That looks like
a bit of a gift.

How deep do we think it is?

RICHARD: It's broad here
so it won't have carved
a deep groove, will it?

-Is that how it works?
-Let's go with that thought,
shall we?

-Yeah, let's go with that.
-Or we could drive up
and down here until we die.

I'm sick of driving up
and down. We can get out,
so let's get in.

JAMES:
We can definitely go on.

We've got a snorkel breather
on the engine.

We cross the drink
and get a drink.

-(EXHALES) Let's do it.
-Right.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

JEREMY: OK, and we're...

-Oh, John is wading.
-(OVERLAPPING DIALOGUE)

Oh-ho! Whoa! That's...
that's glacial run-off,

and it's unbelievably cold!

JAMES: Whoa, that's...
Oh, no!
-Oh!

JEREMY: OK, James, I now
have a freezing starfish.
RICHARD: Oh!

-It's all the way
up to my arse.
-Argh!

(BUBBLING)

JEREMY: It's too deep,
it's deep. Stop, stop, James.

Back up, James.
Please, I beg of you.

(REVVING, CLUNKING)

-I think the wheels
are spinning.
JEREMY: They are spinning.

Yeah, that's not working.

I did feel us run over
a boulder or something.

-Did you feel that?
-Yes.

I think we're wedged
against that backwards.

(THUDS)

(THEY CRY OUT)

-Did I just feel
the whole car move?
-Yes, you did.

-That's the current.
JAMES: Forwards.

We can't go forwards.
If that gets any deep...and
we've got inches in here,

the engine will be
completely submerged,

all the electrics
underwater - end of.

JEREMY: The only solution
was to reverse.

Which meant we had
to free the rear wheels.

-Holy shit!
JAMES: What?

I've just had
a transgender operation.

Aargh!

-Ohh!
-Are you all right, Hammond,
in there?

I'm not getting out.

I'm from Birmingham.
I'm not good with water.

-Uhh!
-Ahh!

The current's really
(BLEEP) strong.

-It's very deep.
-Guys, I just felt the car
move again in the current.

-Cut the doors off.
JEREMY: Why?

-Cut the doors off!
-Why cut the doors off?

-They're what's moving it.
-They're the only bit
I put on!

Well, I don't care,
it's gonna kill
the whole car.

James,
cut the other ones off.

(SNAPPING)

(THUDDING)

JAMES: Doors are off.

Oh, brilliant! So the only
contribution I made to John

are now on their way
to Shanghai.

Now, though,
we could concentrate

on finding out
what was blocking us.

JEREMY: We're both
going simultaneously?
-(LAUGHS)

JEREMY:
Three, two, one...

JEREMY: Both rear wheels
were jammed by big rocks.

-Can you move the rocks?
-Oh, yes, Hammond.

When there's an emergency in
the world people always say,

"I know who we'll call: James
May and Jeremy Clarkson.

-They're the men
for the job."
-That's who we're relying on.

You're gonna
have to be like Titans.

You say you're a horse
of a man. Be a horse,
move the big rock.

Are you in neutral?
Cos I'm about to dive down.

-In neutral,
I'm not going anywhere.
-Right.

-Come on, let's go, the
quicker we get this done.
-OK, counting down.

JEREMY: Three, two, one...

(BOTH INHALE)

(MUFFLED SPEECH)

(BLEEP) Current's got me.

(BLEEP) hell.

-(BLEEP) The current...
-I moved it a bit.

The current just got a hold.
I dived down
and the current got me.

JEREMY: Don't worry, Hammond,
everything's fine back here.
-Good.

-Oh, I've done it. Oh, yes!
-Have you done it?

-Yes.
-Right, let's clear this one.
Hang on.

-I got it. I think I got it.
-Got it?

(ENGINE REVS)

JEREMY: It's moving,
we've done it! We have...
JAMES: Oh, yes!

JEREMY: Thanks for the lift,
Hammond.
-Yeah.

Right. Two things.

The river's really cold,
and that bit's too deep.

-Right. I think we need to
try another route.
-Yeah, we do.

-Definitely.
-OK, get on board.

JEREMY: We re-entered
where the river seemed
to be shallower.

Turn right. Now.

Yeah, well done, top work.

JAMES: Bit leany.
JEREMY: Right, keep going,
keep going, keep going.

Yep. Right, now,
hang a diagonal.

Aim for those - the gap
in the trees, do you see?

Really good.
This is good, this is good.

If it doesn't go
suddenly deep.

Oh, Christ,
we've gone deep again.

Right, keep going,
keep going, keep going.

JEREMY: You can feel it now,
it's getting shallower.

JAMES: Ah, yes!
RICHARD: Do you know,
I think we might make it.

JEREMY: Left hand down.
That's it. Left hand down.

We've nearly done it.

RICHARD: John can swim.
I'm staggered.
-Wahay, John!

-I am staggered.
-Ha-ha-ha!

We're on our way to gin town.

JEREMY:
Before moving on, though,

we had to make
some modifications.

We haven't driven John
as a convertible before
with the top down.

No. We should explain,
the reason we're
driving with no roof,

is because James has turned
it into a pair of trousers
cos his are wet.

Hammond and I have
turned one of the tents
into a pair of trousers,

so if we don't make
Moron tonight...

Two of us are sharing.
You two will be all right in
a tent together, won't you?

JAMES: No.
JEREMY: Wrong.

Now the river was behind us,
we had to work out
what lay ahead.

Which was impossible.

Oh, God. There's just
nothing marked on the map.

It just is cross the river,
and then...nothing.

RICHARD: No.

JEREMY: We were therefore
surprised a few miles later

to find our route
was peppered by something

we hadn't encountered before.

About half a billion
boulders.

(CLANKING, ENGINE REVVING)

(CLANKING)

JEREMY: No, stop, stop, stop.

He's bouncing, Hammond.
That's the sign
for you and I to jump ship.

Good luck, mate.

(CLANKING)

(ENGINE REVVING, CLANKING)

JEREMY:
Try reversing.

I'm just covered in flies,
cos of my orange trousers.

(BUZZING)

The orange trouser
was a poor, poor idea.

JEREMY: Right,
what we're trying to do now,

is because all the
weight's on the back,

is actually reverse up.

Left hand down!

Right...Agh!

-OK, keep going.
Straight back.
-Have to shout!

Straighten up.
Over to you, Hammond.

Bit of right.
Uh...a lot of right.

Now left hand, hard left.

RICHARD:
Once the slope levelled out,

John could turn and tackle
the terrain face-on.

JEREMY:
And hard left.

(CLATTERING)

(CLANKING)

JEREMY: Honestly,
have you ever seen
an off-roader like that?

RICHARD: What a machine!

(CLANKING)

JEREMY:
This is his hardest work yet.

RICHARD: Ultimately,
you're going down there,
down the gully,

up the other side, and into
the clear meadow beyond
and we're all saved.

Jeeps! Are you sure
about this, Hammond?

Yeah!
Now a bit more right.

There you go.
Keep the right in.

-Hammond, Hammond.
-Yes?

-Have you seen...
-Oh, God!

-(THUD)
-Agh! What was that?

-Sorry, we were
a bit distracted by this.
-We were looking at the ants.

JEREMY: There are more
ants there than there are
Mongolians in Mongolia.

RICHARD: There probably are.
JEREMY: Give it the beans!

RICHARD: Good, you are out.

I can't believe what
it's capable of off-road.
I'm staggered.

I have genuinely never seen

-a better off-road car
than this.
-No, it's astonishing.

I think NATO will be
ordering 20,000 of these
when they see this.

What are you thinking about,
Hammond?

-Drink.
-I don't think I'm gonna
be allowed through

-the passport thing
when I get home.
-They won't recognise you.

I'll be two stone lighter,
and I'll look like
Jon Bon Jovi.

We were now more
desperate than ever

for this trip to end.

If we can just get...
You see those trees
on the crest up there?

JAMES: Yeah.
-Will we be able
to see Moron from up there?

We'll see the sign that says:
"Moron, twinned with
Jeremy Clarkson".

(LAUGHS)

JEREMY: Soon,
with our hearts soaring,

we were nearing the peak.

JEREMY: Summit.
Can we see Moron?

Can we see Moron?

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

RICHARD: Where is it?

JEREMY: Oh, no.
No, no.
JAMES: Oh, jeez...

RICHARD: Oh, bloody hell!
JAMES: Please!

RICHARD: Oh, my God.

(INSECTS BUZZING)

(SIGHS)

Kill me.

We've only got two tents.

We've no food.

We were also low on fuel.

But we had to plough on
with the punishment.

-(THUDDING)
-(THEY CRY OUT)

Until two hours later,
when we came across

the most wonderful thing
we'd ever seen.

This was the first reminder
in seven days

that we were in
the 21st century.

RICHARD: Oh, my God!
JEREMY: Yes!
I've never been so happy...

But we still had to make
a critical decision.

RICHARD:
On one end of this...
JEREMY: Is Moron.

-Yes.
-The question is:

Do we go left...
or do we go right?

-Right.
-Well, why right?

Because I'm very lucky.

And it's lucky to go right
in Mongolia.

-That's going to Moron.
-What if that just goes
all the way to nothing?

-It won't go to nowhere.
-It'll go a power station.

It'll go to Russia.
Go to a power station
in Russia is where it'll go.

One end's got a power station
in Russia on the end of it.

-The other
has a gin and tonic.
-And the other end... yeah.

Has got a gin and tonic.

RICHARD: We've decided.

Let's just stick with it and
have faith in our decision.

JEREMY: Yeah, just to be
crystal clear, though,

-if this is wrong...
-I'll kill myself.

...I will be the one
that says,
"I told you it was left."

Yeah, I know you will.
But I'll have killed myself,

so it doesn't matter,
I won't hear it.

We needn't
have worried though,

because just
a few miles later,

we discovered that
in Mongolia it really is
lucky to turn right.

What a heavenly sight.

(EXHALES) How far away
do you reckon it is?

JAMES: 10K.

-Come on, then, let's
get this thing finished.
-Let's do it.

JAMES: Yeah.

-It hasn't been easy, has it?
-It really hasn't.

-God, no.
-It really hasn't. I mean...

I'm just staggered that we
haven't killed ourselves,

or each other, actually.

Because while Mongolia
has just been...

...a constant source
of wonderment,

the actual business of
getting across it

has been by far and away

the most difficult,
gruelling,

arduous journey...
we've ever done.

Look!

JAMES: I would say we've
got hundreds of components.

They haven't sent any beer,
or gin or wine,

or alcohol of any sort.

-(THUDDING)
-Oh!

RICHARD: God above!
JAMES: Let it end!

-(ENGINE REVVING)
JAMES: That's what I meant.

-(SQUELCHING)
-Oh, May!

I've lost my shoes!

-I can save this.
JEREMY: He's rolled it.

Brrr-brrr-brrr.

RICHARD: Oh.

Oh-ho, whoa! It's all
the way up to my arse!

Aargh! (BLEEP)
Current's got me.

(BLEEP) hell.

(ENGINE REVVING, CLANKING)

Aargh!

JEREMY: Fact is, though,

we couldn't have done
any of that without John.

No. He's been incredible.

There's something else,
you know.

Even though we built it
in the middle of a field
in the dust,

it has been
unutterably reliable.

The only thing
we've had to do to this car

-is change a fuse,
which took about 30 seconds.
-Yeah.

But the moral of that is, if
you're going on an expedition

and you're absolutely
dependent on your car
for your life...get a John.

Yeah.

Look.

It's... I can't...
I'm so excited.

-And thirsty. Ha-ha!
-Oh, my God.

I've never wanted to arrive
anywhere more
than just there.

-Here we go. As we go past
the sign, we're there.
-Oh, this is it!

We are arriving,
and we are here!

(CHEERING)

-(LAUGHTER)
-We're in Moron!

-Hello, Moron, we love you!
-Hello, Moron!

-(LAUGHTER)
JEREMY: We have
travelled far.

RICHARD: That was a journey!
-Yes, the smoothness.

Oh, this is beautiful.
I like this Tarmac lark.

-Right. We have now completed
Mr Wilman's mission.
-Yes.

-We must get on
with completing ours.
-Yes, where's the pub?

-Exactly!
-Yes.

Right,
and just another thing.

As we've done Mr Wilman's
mission, this bit's for us.

-James,
can I drive this bit?
-No chance.

-Oh, come on.
-No, seriously, Hammond.

No, it's not worth the risk
at this late stage of you
putting it on its side.

-What risk? Well, a bit.
-There might be a bend.

-It might say "Finish."
-There won't be a bend.

You've had all the fun,
you've done
the exciting bits:

the dunes and the mountains,
and the gullies

-and the deserts,
and the forests.
-Yeah, and now the town.

JEREMY: James.
-What?

Seriously,
just to shut him up,

why don't you
just let him have...a go?

-What, really?
-Just let him drive.
Pull up here.

-Seriously?
-Yes, honestly.

-All right.
-Please pull up here.

-It's your fault.
-Oh, yes.

JEREMY: Unbelievable.

-Right,
now you see some driving.
-There we go.

-Whoa! Pub, pub, pub!
-What?

-Whoa!
-I've only done two feet!

(RATTLING)

-It's shut.
JEREMY: What?

It's shut.

RICHARD: Do you know,
it is, as well.
-It is shut.

And on that terrible
disappointment,

it's time to end.

Thank you so much
for watching. Goodbye.