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1
00:00:11,553 --> 00:00:14,139
So I've made a really important decision.
2
00:00:15,348 --> 00:00:16,348
What?
3
00:00:16,683 --> 00:00:18,018
I'm not getting bangs.
4
00:00:18,810 --> 00:00:20,186
Oh, thank God.
5
00:00:20,603 --> 00:00:21,603
Oh, Ry!
6
00:00:21,938 --> 00:00:23,606
Climbing your way to the top!
7
00:00:23,690 --> 00:00:24,983
Check it out!
8
00:00:25,066 --> 00:00:27,861
Your article about your car accident
is still poppin' off.
9
00:00:27,944 --> 00:00:29,571
Ooh, love!
10
00:00:29,988 --> 00:00:30,988
Oh, and look.
11
00:00:31,072 --> 00:00:33,366
The top three posts all written by you.
12
00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:35,910
No, duh. I'm a hit maker.
13
00:00:36,244 --> 00:00:38,246
I'm like the Diane Warren of blogging.
14
00:00:39,289 --> 00:00:42,083
If it isn't my favorite girl
breaking through that glass ceiling.
15
00:00:42,167 --> 00:00:43,877
Hey, Care Bear!
16
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:46,337
Hey, Ryan. What's up?
17
00:00:47,338 --> 00:00:48,338
Hi.
18
00:00:48,798 --> 00:00:49,798
How are you?
19
00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:51,926
- Nice to see you again.
- You, too.
20
00:00:52,343 --> 00:00:53,720
Do you want to go to lunch?
21
00:00:53,803 --> 00:00:54,929
We're doing La Scala.
22
00:00:55,263 --> 00:00:57,057
It's very 1985 business lunch.
23
00:00:57,432 --> 00:00:59,392
With a side of massive cocaine problem.
24
00:00:59,476 --> 00:01:01,561
Oh, that sounds fun, but I'm on deadline,
25
00:01:01,644 --> 00:01:03,897
so I should go do that
and I should meet that.
26
00:01:03,980 --> 00:01:06,357
It was very good seeing you again soon.
27
00:01:06,608 --> 00:01:07,734
- Okay.
- Okay.
28
00:01:07,817 --> 00:01:08,651
All right.
29
00:01:08,735 --> 00:01:11,112
- Okay, bye-bye. Have fun.
- Okay, bye.
30
00:01:14,199 --> 00:01:15,200
Okay.
31
00:01:16,659 --> 00:01:18,870
- Something I said?
- Don't take it personally.
32
00:01:19,579 --> 00:01:20,579
He's special.
33
00:01:24,292 --> 00:01:26,169
Crack it
against the bowl like this.
34
00:01:28,546 --> 00:01:30,298
Hm. Voilà.
35
00:01:30,632 --> 00:01:32,008
Okay, your turn.
36
00:01:33,384 --> 00:01:34,384
Okay.
37
00:01:36,179 --> 00:01:38,848
Don't be afraid of it. Harder!
38
00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:40,183
Okay.
39
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:41,935
Good.
40
00:01:42,018 --> 00:01:45,146
Oh, wow! Look at that!
41
00:01:45,230 --> 00:01:47,816
I'm the Bareback Contessa.
42
00:01:48,024 --> 00:01:49,359
- Thank you.
- Uh-huh.
43
00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:52,695
So, Mom.
44
00:01:53,530 --> 00:01:57,408
I saw that boy again,
the one that came to my party.
45
00:01:57,951 --> 00:01:59,327
Uh-huh. So just...
46
00:01:59,410 --> 00:02:01,579
Not... Not so hard. Just...
47
00:02:01,663 --> 00:02:03,790
Okay, Mom, listen to me, okay?
48
00:02:04,207 --> 00:02:06,417
I'm sorry for not
telling you before, but...
49
00:02:07,210 --> 00:02:08,378
it was scary.
50
00:02:08,461 --> 00:02:10,588
But now, I can't keep it in anymore.
51
00:02:11,172 --> 00:02:12,006
I'm in love.
52
00:02:12,090 --> 00:02:14,425
You are not in love, you're infatuated.
53
00:02:14,884 --> 00:02:15,885
How would you know, okay?
54
00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:18,263
After Dad left, you held
a candlelit vigil for your vagina
55
00:02:18,346 --> 00:02:19,722
and you called it a day.
56
00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:21,015
All right.
57
00:02:23,476 --> 00:02:24,476
Tell me about him.
58
00:02:26,271 --> 00:02:27,438
His name is Carey.
59
00:02:28,606 --> 00:02:29,774
He's a journalist.
60
00:02:30,233 --> 00:02:31,359
He's very funny.
61
00:02:33,486 --> 00:02:34,966
- Wow.
- That's better.
62
00:02:35,321 --> 00:02:36,321
I don't know.
63
00:02:36,406 --> 00:02:39,367
Sometimes I don't know if I...
want to be his boyfriend
64
00:02:39,450 --> 00:02:41,452
or just kind of be him, period.
You know?
65
00:02:42,245 --> 00:02:43,079
Aw.
66
00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:44,164
What?
67
00:02:45,456 --> 00:02:46,616
- What?
- I'm so...
68
00:02:47,625 --> 00:02:51,963
I'm just so happy to see you
get giddy and excited about someone.
69
00:02:52,589 --> 00:02:55,466
Yeah, well, TBD if something
will actually happen.
70
00:02:55,967 --> 00:02:56,801
I mean,
71
00:02:56,885 --> 00:02:59,429
who wants to deal with all of this?
Am I right?
72
00:02:59,888 --> 00:03:02,473
This... This should not be an issue.
73
00:03:02,557 --> 00:03:04,100
And if it is, he's a jerk,
74
00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:05,476
and you shouldn't be with him.
75
00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:07,687
He's not a jerk
if he doesn't want to date me.
76
00:03:07,937 --> 00:03:10,315
He's just, like, aware
of how the world works.
77
00:03:10,398 --> 00:03:11,398
Ryan.
78
00:03:11,566 --> 00:03:13,568
You deserve to have someone love you.
79
00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:16,029
And it is gonna be amazing.
80
00:03:16,988 --> 00:03:19,407
And you're gonna think about him
all the time.
81
00:03:19,699 --> 00:03:23,620
Oh, and you know the thing they say
about butterflies in the stomach?
82
00:03:23,703 --> 00:03:24,621
It's true.
83
00:03:24,704 --> 00:03:26,623
Actual butterflies.
84
00:03:27,582 --> 00:03:31,794
And then you're going to start to relate
to all those Celine Dion songs.
85
00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:33,671
And not just the ones everybody knows.
86
00:03:33,755 --> 00:03:37,175
Those kind of obscure Celine Dion songs...
87
00:03:37,258 --> 00:03:38,593
Oh, shoot.
88
00:03:39,302 --> 00:03:41,304
I done screwed up, Ma.
89
00:03:44,265 --> 00:03:45,099
Okay.
90
00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:47,852
What did I miss
during my hour-long bathroom break?
91
00:03:47,936 --> 00:03:48,770
Not much.
92
00:03:48,853 --> 00:03:52,398
Olivia made the entire office
watch her eat a bouillon cube for lunch.
93
00:03:52,941 --> 00:03:56,361
Do you want to go eat somewhere
or is Carey gonna whisk you off?
94
00:03:56,819 --> 00:03:58,154
Oh, my God, wait!
95
00:03:58,238 --> 00:04:00,406
Carey told me to invite you
to his poker night.
96
00:04:01,324 --> 00:04:02,324
Poker?
97
00:04:02,575 --> 00:04:05,078
Like, the game with the chips and the...
98
00:04:05,453 --> 00:04:06,453
coins and the...
99
00:04:07,163 --> 00:04:09,165
people getting in too deep
and losing their houses?
100
00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:12,669
No, I think this is more like
a bunch of gay guys in tank tops
101
00:04:12,752 --> 00:04:15,380
sitting around, giggling at the phrase
"straight potential."
102
00:04:15,797 --> 00:04:18,633
Okay, so he, like, asked you to invite me?
103
00:04:18,716 --> 00:04:20,426
Mm-hmm. You should go.
104
00:04:20,510 --> 00:04:22,095
Carey's like the gay glue of LA.
105
00:04:22,178 --> 00:04:23,898
He'll introduce you to
all the right people.
106
00:04:23,930 --> 00:04:24,930
Okay.
107
00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:26,265
I'll go.
108
00:04:26,349 --> 00:04:28,268
But you have to come with me.
109
00:04:28,685 --> 00:04:31,396
And be, what?
Your emotional support animal?
110
00:04:31,688 --> 00:04:33,564
These are your friends, Kim, okay?
111
00:04:33,856 --> 00:04:36,401
I might just need you to lube me up
a little bit, all right?
112
00:04:36,734 --> 00:04:39,195
Fine. I'll be your K-Y for one night.
113
00:04:41,072 --> 00:04:42,323
Well, what do you think?
114
00:04:43,074 --> 00:04:46,536
Does this scream
"gay poker-slash-fall in love with me"?
115
00:04:46,661 --> 00:04:48,204
Great!
116
00:04:48,329 --> 00:04:49,789
You look great.
117
00:04:50,373 --> 00:04:51,582
Oh, my God, you hate it.
118
00:04:51,666 --> 00:04:52,666
What?
119
00:04:53,501 --> 00:04:54,501
This is hopeless.
120
00:04:54,836 --> 00:04:55,878
I'm hopeless!
121
00:04:56,337 --> 00:04:57,337
Ooh.
122
00:04:57,964 --> 00:04:59,382
Whose jacket is this?
123
00:05:01,676 --> 00:05:03,428
I got that for you.
124
00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:04,720
For me?
125
00:05:05,430 --> 00:05:06,764
- Really?
- Yeah.
126
00:05:07,056 --> 00:05:08,056
It's kind of...
127
00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:10,435
straight mountain man from Montana, but...
128
00:05:11,352 --> 00:05:12,352
I kinda dig it.
129
00:05:13,062 --> 00:05:15,106
I think it's a little small.
130
00:05:17,066 --> 00:05:18,109
Oh, my God.
131
00:05:18,276 --> 00:05:20,153
Mom, it's like a second skin.
132
00:05:20,236 --> 00:05:22,238
This fits amazing.
133
00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:23,322
Look.
134
00:05:23,573 --> 00:05:24,573
Do you love?
135
00:05:25,241 --> 00:05:26,326
Yeah.
136
00:05:28,703 --> 00:05:29,703
Oh, my God, wait.
137
00:05:32,290 --> 00:05:34,292
LOL! There's a joint in here.
138
00:05:34,959 --> 00:05:36,377
Mom, where'd you get this?
139
00:05:37,253 --> 00:05:39,255
I got that
140
00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:41,215
at a thrift store,
141
00:05:41,382 --> 00:05:43,718
because I know how much
you like vintage stuff.
142
00:05:43,801 --> 00:05:45,428
Thank you, Mom. I really do love it.
143
00:05:45,511 --> 00:05:48,348
I kind of want to wear it every day
and never take it off ever again.
144
00:05:48,765 --> 00:05:50,558
But this joint's for you.
145
00:05:50,850 --> 00:05:53,853
Let's be honest, you could stand to have
a Cheech & Chong moment later.
146
00:05:53,936 --> 00:05:54,854
Oh.
147
00:05:54,937 --> 00:05:55,937
Just take it!
148
00:05:55,980 --> 00:05:57,940
Have some fun, but don't inhale, okay?
149
00:05:58,024 --> 00:06:00,651
God, inhale? I'm not even gonna light it.
150
00:06:00,735 --> 00:06:01,819
All right. Wish me luck.
151
00:06:01,903 --> 00:06:02,903
Luck!
152
00:06:09,577 --> 00:06:11,954
- Hey, Ryan. You came!
- Hi.
153
00:06:12,038 --> 00:06:13,039
Hi!
154
00:06:13,122 --> 00:06:14,122
Come here.
155
00:06:14,248 --> 00:06:15,917
I'm glad you made it. Come on in.
156
00:06:17,752 --> 00:06:19,420
- What's up? How was your day?
- Good.
157
00:06:19,837 --> 00:06:21,964
- Put your coat wherever.
- Okay.
158
00:06:24,133 --> 00:06:26,052
Where is Kim?
159
00:06:26,469 --> 00:06:28,721
She's not allowed at poker. Gays only.
160
00:06:29,013 --> 00:06:30,056
You are gay, right?
161
00:06:30,431 --> 00:06:32,433
If not, you give me two minutes,
I can convert you.
162
00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:35,478
Huh... No, I'm super gay.
163
00:06:35,561 --> 00:06:36,561
- Okay.
- Yeah.
164
00:06:36,771 --> 00:06:37,647
Super gay?
165
00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:38,564
The most.
166
00:06:38,648 --> 00:06:40,400
- Okay.
- Yeah, okay.
167
00:06:40,608 --> 00:06:42,318
- All right, well, come on in.
- Okay.
168
00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:43,402
- You want a beer?
- Sure.
169
00:06:43,444 --> 00:06:44,444
All right.
170
00:07:09,178 --> 00:07:10,471
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
171
00:07:10,555 --> 00:07:11,555
All right, boys,
172
00:07:12,098 --> 00:07:13,141
this is Ryan.
173
00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:15,101
He's new to poker so be nice.
174
00:07:15,184 --> 00:07:16,184
Nice to meet you.
175
00:07:16,227 --> 00:07:18,312
Andrew, Lewis, Colton, Kyle.
176
00:07:19,063 --> 00:07:20,063
Ryan.
177
00:07:20,148 --> 00:07:21,065
Hi, hi, hi.
178
00:07:21,149 --> 00:07:22,024
Hi, hi, hi.
179
00:07:22,108 --> 00:07:23,108
Um...
180
00:07:24,026 --> 00:07:25,570
Let me break this shit down for you.
181
00:07:25,653 --> 00:07:28,114
So, we play Texas hold 'em.
You know how to play that?
182
00:07:28,739 --> 00:07:31,659
Very simple.
Okay, so it's the same as normal poker,
183
00:07:31,742 --> 00:07:33,077
so, you know, two pair,
184
00:07:33,161 --> 00:07:35,997
except you only have two cards
that you can see
185
00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:37,080
and then you share...
186
00:07:46,424 --> 00:07:47,544
Make sense?
187
00:07:48,009 --> 00:07:49,135
Mm-hmm. Let's play.
188
00:07:49,218 --> 00:07:50,218
All right!
189
00:07:50,261 --> 00:07:51,971
Deal him in.
190
00:07:56,058 --> 00:07:57,393
Karen, where's my jacket?
191
00:07:58,436 --> 00:07:59,436
Huh?
192
00:08:00,396 --> 00:08:02,076
The jacket I left last night, where is it?
193
00:08:03,149 --> 00:08:05,902
It was filthy
and I took it to the dry cleaner.
194
00:08:05,985 --> 00:08:06,985
No!
195
00:08:07,528 --> 00:08:08,528
What?
196
00:08:10,156 --> 00:08:12,867
It had my night time medicine
in the pocket.
197
00:08:13,534 --> 00:08:14,911
Aww.
198
00:08:20,583 --> 00:08:22,210
You mean this?
199
00:08:23,753 --> 00:08:25,505
You are the best!
200
00:08:27,673 --> 00:08:28,673
You saved it.
201
00:08:29,008 --> 00:08:31,469
Wait 'til I tell everyone that I am dating
202
00:08:31,552 --> 00:08:33,930
a 50-something pothead.
203
00:08:34,639 --> 00:08:35,806
Did anybody hear that?
204
00:08:36,474 --> 00:08:38,559
Karen Hayes has just announced
to her bedroom
205
00:08:38,643 --> 00:08:40,937
that she is dating me, Phil.
206
00:08:41,020 --> 00:08:42,355
A 50-something pothead.
207
00:08:42,438 --> 00:08:44,023
That is cause for celebration.
208
00:08:46,150 --> 00:08:47,150
Ooh.
209
00:08:48,319 --> 00:08:49,403
Let me get some of that.
210
00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:51,196
Whoa!
211
00:08:51,447 --> 00:08:54,242
Not only are you dating
a 50-something pothead,
212
00:08:54,325 --> 00:08:55,451
now you're gonna get high?
213
00:08:55,993 --> 00:08:56,993
Ooh-ee.
214
00:08:57,537 --> 00:08:59,205
Life does come at you fast.
215
00:09:11,217 --> 00:09:12,260
I hate pot.
216
00:09:15,596 --> 00:09:16,596
I don't know, Lewis,
217
00:09:16,639 --> 00:09:18,391
it looks like you might have a straight.
218
00:09:18,891 --> 00:09:20,643
I definitely had a straight last night.
219
00:09:20,726 --> 00:09:22,395
His name was Austin.
220
00:09:22,478 --> 00:09:25,314
Great ass. Ten out of ten.
Would recommend.
221
00:09:25,815 --> 00:09:27,233
You hooked up with a straight guy.
222
00:09:27,316 --> 00:09:29,652
That's so 19 years old
and full of self-loathing of you.
223
00:09:29,902 --> 00:09:30,902
Oh.
224
00:09:35,992 --> 00:09:37,994
Whoah. Watch out!
225
00:09:38,077 --> 00:09:41,831
She has got her poker face on tonight!
226
00:09:42,373 --> 00:09:43,916
Your turn to shuffle, Ryan.
227
00:09:46,043 --> 00:09:47,753
I met him at a gun convention.
228
00:09:47,837 --> 00:09:49,046
A gun convention?
229
00:09:49,130 --> 00:09:51,130
Yes, that's where I meet
all my straights.
230
00:09:51,173 --> 00:09:52,773
You've been to multiple gun conventions?
231
00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:55,511
Yeah, they're like flies in my spider web.
232
00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:57,739
- Gross!
- That's a nice image.
233
00:09:57,763 --> 00:09:59,408
- Mm-hmm.
- Did he show you his gun?
234
00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:01,743
- And his penis.
- And his penis.
235
00:10:01,767 --> 00:10:03,767
It was like I was hunting
with Dick Cheney.
236
00:10:03,811 --> 00:10:04,851
I took a shot to the face.
237
00:10:05,104 --> 00:10:06,147
Yeah, okay.
238
00:10:06,230 --> 00:10:07,356
Yeah, he...
239
00:10:07,648 --> 00:10:10,568
he showed me his gun,
and then he shot his load.
240
00:10:10,651 --> 00:10:12,737
Okay. Did he have a big gun?
241
00:10:12,820 --> 00:10:14,447
And a big penis. Mm-hmm.
242
00:10:14,780 --> 00:10:16,700
He wore all red,
called me The Commander,
243
00:10:16,782 --> 00:10:19,619
and our safe word was "Margaret Atwood."
244
00:10:20,036 --> 00:10:22,788
Oh, my God. I think
I'm having a heart attack.
245
00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:24,039
Babe.
246
00:10:24,373 --> 00:10:25,373
Come lay down.
247
00:10:25,875 --> 00:10:27,918
Oh, my God! Why did I do that?
248
00:10:28,002 --> 00:10:29,378
I'm a nurse.
249
00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:31,255
Why is that legal?
250
00:10:31,339 --> 00:10:32,882
I just... Oh, my God. Why...
251
00:10:32,965 --> 00:10:34,383
That should not be legal!
252
00:10:34,675 --> 00:10:37,345
I will not rest until that is illegal!
253
00:10:37,428 --> 00:10:39,096
What can I do to make it better?
254
00:10:43,976 --> 00:10:44,810
Bitch!
255
00:10:44,894 --> 00:10:47,855
All right, I'm out,
I've got no more money.
256
00:10:47,938 --> 00:10:49,106
I hate you all.
257
00:10:49,857 --> 00:10:50,983
We're heading out.
258
00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:53,152
- Bye, you guys.
- Thanks for inviting us.
259
00:10:53,235 --> 00:10:55,196
- See you soon.
- Nice meeting you, too.
260
00:10:55,279 --> 00:10:57,156
Lewis, you get the prize again.
261
00:10:57,531 --> 00:10:58,574
Thank you!
262
00:10:58,658 --> 00:10:59,909
Thanks for inviting us.
263
00:11:00,993 --> 00:11:02,912
- See you next week, guys.
- Bye, babe.
264
00:11:02,995 --> 00:11:03,913
- Bye.
- Bye, Ryan.
265
00:11:03,996 --> 00:11:06,248
- Bye, nice meeting you.
- See you next week.
266
00:11:07,875 --> 00:11:10,670
So, does the winner always get a prize?
267
00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:14,006
Actually, it's a DVD of an underrated
John Cusack movie.
268
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So basically all John Cusack movies.
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Um...
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Thank you for earlier, by the way.
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Helping me with the... the cards.
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Oh.
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Yeah, sure. 'Course.
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Kim told me about your accident and...
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Wait, do you hate talking about this?
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No, it's fine.
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So you got in a fight with a car and lost?
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Basically, yeah.
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I mean, no, I mean...
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I was jaywalking,
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so it was my fault.
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AKA, don't cry for me, Argentina.
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Um...
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Yeah, it basically kind of just
messed my body up forever, so...
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I don't know.
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It doesn't look so messed up to me.
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Thanks.
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You're welcome.
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This is amazing.
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Oh, my God. I am so happy.
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You see?
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You're safe.
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Everything is gonna be okay.
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All right, I spoke too soon.
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I don't think anyone has made me
a sandwich in like...
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in like 30 years.
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I mean, I... Well...
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Ryan tried to make me a grilled cheese
for Mother's Day,
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but it was... he totally screwed it up!
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How do you screw up a grilled cheese?
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It's... It's two ingredients.
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The bread and the cheese.
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I will make you a sandwich...
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whenever you want.
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I really like you, Phil.
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I care about you a lot.
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In some...
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small, important way.
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Me, too.
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We are never going to let you
get high again.
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- Aww.
- Mm.
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Okay.
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You got to come to poker again.
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Get you in the rotation.
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I would love that.
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And I got you every time with the cards.
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Aww.
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You're like my little poker whisperer.
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Shh.
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- Oh, hey.
- Hey, babe.
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Hey, babe.
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Ryan, this is Chris, my boyfriend.
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Hey.
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Hi, nice to meet you.
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So, did you win tonight?
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Nope.
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Not even close.
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