All language subtitles for the roast of tom brady 2024 nf web

It's great seeing you again.

This is a big night.

The fans want you, everyone wants you,
but it's not your night.

Sorry, Drew.

Brady?

Yeah, coach?
-You're in.

Let's go.
-Let's go.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Again?

Now, live from the Netflix
is a Joke Festival...

it's the greatest roast of all time.

Let's bring out the only man brave enough
to step into the arena with the GOAT.

Get on your feet
for the one and only Kevin Hart.

Y'all can do better than that,
Los Angeles.

Make some noise in here.

I love it.

I love it. Sit down. Sit down.

Sit down. Welcome.

Welcome, guys.

I wanna say good evening...

and more importantly, I wanna welcome you
to the greatest roast of all time.

Understand what I just said?

The greatest roast of all time.

There you go. That's what I want.

That's what I want.

Guys, we are here to roast
the greatest quarterback of all time.

Wait, Joe Montana's here?
Is it Joe Montana, or is it...?

Well, you know what, guys?
We're live. These are real problems.

If it's not Joe Montana,
then it should be worded differently.

If it's Tom Brady...

we should say we're talking
about one of the greatest to do it.

Not the greatest.
The greatest is Joe Montana.

Okay, that's good.

That's good. That's good.

All right. Corrections are made.

Guys, we are live.

We are live here in Inglewood
at the Kia Forum, the legendary Kia Forum.

There's a lot of history attached
to this place, man.

A lot of greatness has happened
in this building.

This is the home
of the original Showtime Lakers, man.

Jerry Buss. Yes.

Yes.

You know, a lot of people
actually don't know...

the real reason
behind the name Showtime, right?

It's not because of, like,
Magic and Kareem and their play.

They called this place Showtime...

because Jerry Buss used to show
everybody his dick in this building.

This was where Jerry Buss
pulled his dick out.

A lot of nasty shit has happened
in this building.

A lot of fucking has went down
in the Forum.

That's what they called it.
The Fucking Forum is what they called it.

I wish I had a black light right now,
I'd turn that bitch on...

so y'all can see the cum stains
you sitting on in these nasty-ass seats.

It's a nasty place.

That's right. You better get comfortable
being uncomfortable, baby.

Now, right now, I know what you guys
are probably asking yourself.

You're saying, "Guys, why didn't we go
to the Crypto.com Arena downtown?"

The reason why we didn't go there...

is because we didn't
wanna remind Tom's fans...

of how much money he owes them.

He fucked those people.
Tom fucked those people.

Yes, he did.

Fucked them good, didn't he?

Wow.

Tom brought Boston with him tonight.
Holy shit.

Look at this.

Goddamn.

I've never seen Inglewood so white.
Jesus Christ.

It's so fucking white in here.

Looks like a Bruce Springsteen concert
just let out. Jesus Christ.

This used to be home of the Lakers.
Now it look like the home of the Quakers.

What the fuck is going on?

This is so bad.

Tom is gonna have to kick
those racist jokes tonight.

He's gonna have to kick them.

It's gonna be hard, though.

I saw a white-only water fountain
in the back. I did.

I did. I did.

Fuck you, Tom. All right.

Just gonna keep randomly saying,
"Fuck you, Tom."

The good thing about the bathroom is
that whole situation will be fine.

It will be settled, but, guys,
there's good parts to the show tonight.

And I wanna tell you
what the good parts are.

The good parts are attached to Tom Brady.

Now, before I cut his legs out...

before I take what he has underneath him...

I actually wanna give him
some ground to stand on, okay?

I actually wanna address the fact
that Tom Brady truly is the GOAT.

Let's talk about this man's success.
Let's talk about it.

Let's talk about it.

Twenty-three seasons,
seven Super Bowl wins.

Seven. Yes.

A three-time NFL MVP.

Goddamn.

Guys, hearing me say it is one thing...

but you actually seeing it
for yourself is another.

Take a look.

And we're about set to go...

110,000 settling in here
at historic Michigan Stadium.

Take a look at Tom Brady from Michigan...

the most underrated
college quarterback in the country.

The crowd is on its feet.

Brady takes the snap,
drops back to throw, fires.

Touchdown, Patriots.
What a throw from Tom Brady.

Let's go. Let's go.
Super Bowl Champions again.

Let's go.

The poorest way to face life
is to face it with a sneer.

Many men feel a kind
of twisted pride and cynicism.

It is not the critic who counts.

Not the man who points out
how the strong man stumbles.

The credit belongs to the man
who is actually in the arena.

Who strives gallantly.
-One play at a time?

Whose face is marred
by dust, and sweat, and blood.

Brady, looking.

Who comes short again and again.

My goodness.

Tom Brady took a tremendous hit.

But if he fails, at least
he fails while daring greatly.

Thing we know about Brady
is that a comeback is always possible.

So that his place shall never
be with those cold and timid souls...

who neither know victory...

nor defeat.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please do me a favor...

and get on your goddam feet...

and right now
help me welcome the fucking GOAT.

The best quarterback to ever do it...

Tom Brady.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Please. Thank you, guys.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Brady. Brady. Brady.

Thank you.

Brady. Brady. Brady.

That's our MVP.

Thank you.

All right.

Are you guys ready?

Because I am.

It's game time.

Let's go.

All right.

All right.

All right.

Tom, get all your guys settled down.
That's right. It's go time.

What a crazy night, Tom.
-Crazy.

It's finally here, man. It's finally here.

You know, Tom, this is crazy
because for more than 20 years...

Tom has ruined Sundays
for football fans all over the country.

All over the country.

But tonight, tonight...

tonight we're gonna ruin yours, Tom.

I'm gonna ruin your fucking Sunday.

We are here...

We are here to honor this man tonight.

Man, this a room
full of friends and family.

I'm looking around. It's insane.

I wanna let you know, Tom, off the bat,
that that's not why I'm here.

I'm not here for your support.

I'm here for the money.
They paid me well, right?

Let's just... Let's just get that out.

They paid me very, very well, Tom.

And I'm also here to do
little promo hits here and there.

I'm on tour.

It's called "Acting My Age."
Go to kevinhartnation.com.

It's a live audience.

Why would I not take advantage
of this moment, Tom?

It's not about you. Fuck you.

It's a second of Kevin.

Now, I think we do have to track Tom...

and we do have to track
where you are in your life right now.

I wanna congratulate you...

'cause a peaceful life is
what you're now living...

and that's a big deal, a big deal.

For two years.

It's been two years
since Tom's gotten divorced, right?

Two years.

Two years. And...

Since then, since then,
Tom has been fucking.

He's been fucking.

Yeah, that's right.

Tom's been putting
that 2-inch tool to work.

Yes, he has.

Tom's been fucking so much
that his dick has CTE.

Most people get STDs, Tom gets CTEs.

Yeah, it's the difference.

Good for you, though, Tom.

By the way, single life is what
you deserve because you had no choice.

Gisele gave you a ultimatum.

Gisele said, "You retire or we're done."
That's what she said to you, Tom.

"You retire or we're done."

Let me tell you something.

When you got a chance to go 8-9...

and all it will cost you
is your wife and your kids...

you gotta do what the fuck you gotta do,
do you understand me?

You gotta do it.

You gotta do it.

You know what that's called, Tom?
You know what that's called?

That's called real nigga shit.

That's what that's called, Tom.

Yeah, Tom. Fuck them kids.

Shit.

You asked me to come here, bitch.
I told you what I was gonna do.

This is also a good time to say, man...

I love the fact that you and Gisele
are finding a way to co-parent...

and still keep it together, man.

Gisele is actually here
supporting you tonight.

But just for full transparency,
she came as Antonio Brown's plus-one.

How does that...?

What did I say?

What did I say?

I'm just here to have a good time.

Before you can get comfortable,
you gotta get uncomfortable.

I'm removing the discomfort
from this room.

Speaking of discomfort...

let's talk about Bill Belichick
for a second. Um, Tom...

It's just a good segue, man.

You know, the world knows that you left
Bill Belichick high and dry, man.

You left him, and then you went to Tampa,
and you won a championship. Holy shit.

Holy shit.

You left Bill Belichick
with Mac Jones. Goddamn.

You fucked him.

You fucked him good.

You did. You did, Tom.
You fucked your coach.

But let me tell you something, people.
Let me tell you something.

That's what you gotta do
to maintain your happiness.

You understand?

You sometimes got to fuck your coach.

You know who else fucked that coach?

Gisele. She fucked that karate man.

Nope. Nope. Listen.

What a idiot. Why would you do this?
What a idiot.

All right.

I mean, Jesus Christ, Tom.

One of the smartest quarterbacks
to ever play the game.

How did you not see this coming?

Eight fucking karate classes a day.

Eight karate classes a day?

She...

Eight karate classes a day
and she's still a white belt.

She's still a white belt.

Fuck, Tom.

The only bruises she have are on her ass.
Everybody should have known it.

All right, you gotta get uncomfortable.

My God,
the scariest part about this, guys...

is if we have any problems, man,
I'm worried for you.

Jesus Christ, you can't lose
any fights to the bonus dad.

Kids are gonna have to change their name.
The fucking guy knows karate, Tom.

You can't fight this guy.
I can't help you with this guy.

Everybody's asking
the same question right now...

and I know what that question is.

Who the fuck are these people behind me?

Um, here's a good time
to tell you the truth. We lied.

We told you guys that there would be
a lot of superstars here tonight.

But there aren't. It's just me.

Outside of me...

You got me, you got a bunch
of out-of-shape athletes...

some horrible podcasters...

and one whore.

There's one whore here.

All right?

Now, this dais is gonna be filled
with energy and great jokes.

I wanna let you guys all know...

that I'm quarterbacking
this bitch tonight.

With that being said...

that means
I've got a lot of guns with a lot of ammo.

This is how these roasts work.

See, the dais, they come up here,
and they talk about Tom...

they gonna take shots at me.

I wanna let you guys know,
I got two full fucking clips.

Now, you fuck with me if you want,
I'm gonna shoot these guns.

I have no problem shooting these guns.
You think I'm bullshitting?

Tom, they think I'm bullshitting.

Y'all want a test shot?
You wanna see how fast these guns work?

Here's a little test shot.

A little test shot.

Chelsea. Chelsea Handler's here.

Hey, Chelsea.

Chelsea. Hey, Chelsea.

Man.

Nothing better than seeing my sister.
Love her to death.

You know, Chelsea, we had you
sitting next to a Black guy...

but we changed it
only because we know how you feel...

and ultimately, the Black dick matters.
You'll fuck a Black dick fast, Chelsea.

Speaking of Black dick,
Kim is here tonight. Hey, Kim.

These are just two guns.
These are two guns.

Kim, I put it down. Bop, bop.
No troubles. No fucking troubles.

Leave me alone and I'll leave you alone.

Chelsea, Kim, you are innocent bystanders.

You had nothing to do with nothing.
You didn't deserve that, and I apologize.

With that being said, guys,
to start a roast...

you have to start it off with a bang.

And to do that,
you gotta do it with a roast master.

A GOAT without a butcher is not a GOAT.

Please welcome,
straight from hell, the real killer...

America's roast master, Jeff Ross.

What's up, roast fans?
Make some noise.

The juice is loose tonight.

If the gloves don't fit,
you must talk shit.

What's up, Patriots?

I just came from hell.

Aaron Hernandez says hello.

Yeah, motherfuckers, it's a roast.

And I had to dress like O.J.

'cause I'm about to kill
this white bitch right here.

Let's go, Jeff.

Now, give it up for the Lord
of the Super Bowl Rings...

my friend Tom Brady.

A man who has so many rings,
he could melt them down...

and forge a sword to go on a quest...

to get Gisele back
from that jiujitsu teacher.

You're a legend, Tom. You really are.
You really put the "jizz" in "Gisele."

Let's fucking go.

Live on Netflix.

Also live on Netflix
this summer from Dallas...

Mike Tyson is boxing Jake Paul,
a kid more than half his age.

My prediction,
Iron Mike is gonna kill that baby.

It'll be the only legal abortion in Texas.

No fear. This is what we do.

Look at you, Tom Brady.
You're so beautiful.

I just wanna fuck
that dimple in your chin.

Beautiful.

Look at you.

You look like a vampire
that only drinks almond blood.

Tom looks like
he bleaches his asshole just in case.

Laugh it up, people. The world needs this.

There hasn't been a roast in years
because everyone's chicken.

But not you, Tom. You're not chicken.

No way.

I read your book.

You're mostly nuts, berries, and avocados.

The TB12 Method, that's your book.
Very helpful.

In fact, Kevin Hart's been
sitting on it all night.

What an opening. I love you, Kevin.
What an opening. You're amazing.

I really wanted Kevin to host...

'cause he already looks
like a deflated football.

Kevin Hart is the biggest Eagles fan.

In fact, one snatched him up
in his backyard...

and dropped him off here this afternoon.

When I first walked in...

I thought, "Is that Kevin Hart,
or did Randy Moss take a knee?"

Kevin Hart, I love you, man. I really do.

You're so goddamn funny.

And congrats on being the latest recipient...

of the prestigious Kennedy Center's
Mark Twain Prize for Humor.

Well deserved, my man.

And surely, if Mark Twain were
around today, he would call you a n...

A...

A...

National treasure.

Look at this arena.

All my friends are here.
This is incredible.

So many legends in the room.

Dana White, I see you hiding over there.
What's up, Dana?

Look at this.

Talk about a legend in the room.

Pull back. I wanna show
he brought the whole cast of Queer Eye.

Dana, who are these guys?

Are these guys...?

Are they neutered?

What the fuck's going on here?

The sign said "no pets," Dana.

I love you, Dana.

You're like Michael Vick
but with human beings.

Tom...

Tom, your teammates are all here...

at the beautiful,
sold-out Los Angeles Forum.

Incredible.

By the way, "forum" is also
how Rob Gronkowski counts to five.

Four, um...

Five, um...

I love you, Gronk. I love you, Gronk.

Poor Gronk.
He thinks his last name is Owski.

You're one of the greatest, Gronk.
You're one of the greatest.

They love you.

Of course...

growing up, it was never even
Gronk's dream to play football...

but his parents figured,
"Hey, he's already wearing the helmet."

Julian, can you explain
that joke to Gronk?

Man.

We're doing it Boston-style tonight.
I'm telling you.

Boston-style, you know.

It's gonna be a marathon,
and somebody's gonna bomb.

Hey, listen, man.

No fear. This is what we do.

That's what Tom told me.

Thanks for coming in, Tom,
from your new home state of Florida.

We wanted to roast you in Florida,
but because of your governor...

we wouldn't be able to call you gay.

What an underdog story, man.

Against all odds.
It all started in San Mateo, California.

Tom's mom, who's here tonight
somewhere. Where is she?

She was in labor with you for 43 hours.

Talk about staying in the pocket.

Tom was eventually drafted
199th in the NFL draft.

You sat there for days,
waiting and waiting...

and then you were finally picked
in the sixth round...

when Bill Belichick's dog stepped
on the keyboard by accident.

So Tom...

became a Patriot, moved up to New England...

and on the first day of training camp...

that scrawny rookie famously walked
into the owner Robert Kraft's office...

and said, "I'm the best decision
your organization has ever made."

"Would you like a massage?"

I love Robert Kraft.

Don't say that shit again.
-Okay, okay, okay.

He's having fun. Look at him.

I love what you do
for the Jews, Robert Kraft.

You're incredible.

Shalom, my brother.

From that point on,
everything was a fairy tale.

Unless you're Drew Bledsoe,
then it was a total fucking nightmare.

Drew.

Of course, Super Bowl MVP
Julian Edelman is here.

Hi, Julian.

Of course, Julian's considered...

the greatest Jewish
football player of all time.

Which is pretty impressive...

until you realize
the guy in second place was me.

Tom, I really wanted you
to be our first GOAT to be roasted...

because you're an example
to future generations...

that if you work hard, eat right,
film the other team's practices...

deflate the balls, and have the NFL
make new rules just for you...

then you, too, can be...

the third most famous guy
in a Dunkin' Donuts commercial.

U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A.

Tommy, you once told me
that it was your dream to be roasted...

and here we are, proving
that you're not just a great athlete...

you're also a great sport.

And if I ever have a son, I want him
to be smart, strong, and driven...

just like you, Tom.

Which is why tonight at the after-party,
I'm gonna try to fuck your sister.

Julie.

You're my number-one draft pick.

Let's fucking go.

I love you guys. Thank you, everybody.

Wow.

Wow.

Stop being a bitch, Jeff. Just sit down.
Stop kissing his ass.

"You okay? You okay, right, Tom?
It was just jokes."

Such a bitch.

Guys, make sure you guys
check out Jeff's one-man show.

It's playing
at the Hollywood cemetery.

Um, I'm not...

I'm not even joking.
His career is literally dying. It's dying.

If we stop doing these roasts,
you will not see Jeff Ross ever again.

Do you hear me?

Save Jeff Ross.
Keep the roasts going. Jesus Christ.

Jeff, you're so fucking... Bitch.
I heard you over there, you bitch.

"Tom, you all right?
Your hair is so straight."

You know the funny thing?

You came out here trying to act
like you were upset with O.J.

and all that little attitude.

It's got nothing to do with O.J.

Jeff Ross, you're mad about the fact
that it was a waiter that got killed...

who brings out food, you fat fuck.

That is one less waiter on the streets.
That's what you're upset about.

Fucking Jeff Ross.
Just keep the roasts coming, okay?

What else do you have going on?
There other shit happening in your life?

One-man show. "Take a Banana
for the Ride."On tour now.

"Take a Banana for the Ride?" On tour.
-Thank you.

I wish I could give you a bunch of shit,
but I actually love you, Jeff.

I actually do, man. Good shit.

Jeff is the only person that I see...

and every time I see him,
I just say he looks sicker.

I don't know what's happening.

It's just getting sicker and sicker,
but we can't nail it down.

We don't know what it is.

All right, guys,
coming to the stage right now is a man.

Well, a man who was picked first
in the NFL draft and last for this roast.

Please welcome Drew Bledsoe.
Come on, Drew.

It's a pretty cool...
Pretty cool stage up here.

This reminds me, um...

Settle down. I got some jokes to tell.

The stage is really cool, man.

This reminds me
of the first round of the draft.

You remember, Randy. Willie, you remember.
First round. Pretty cool, right?

So, look, I've got to admit,
I'm a little bit nervous tonight.

I truly am.

The last time I was up on-stage
before Tom Brady...

I ended up in the hospital for five days
and I lost my damn job.

So, real talk, you know...

a lot of people just assume that I have
a lot of animosity towards Tom Brady.

I'm here to tell you tonight,
in front of millions of people...

that you're correct. I fucking hate him.

I mean...

Hey, but let's just be honest,
a lot of you guys kind of hate him too.

I mean, who's more hate able...

than the most successful quarterback
of all time?

I'm... I mean, except maybe Belichick.

Um...

So there were rumors...

that Coach Belichick
was gonna be here tonight.

Um, turns out
he had some time on his hands.

Hey, look.

At least when I got fired,
somebody else wanted me.

I was worried he was behind me.

Look, you know what?

Tom invited
his one Black receiver here tonight.

That's...

That's, um...

That's very woke of you, buddy. Very woke.

Anyway, Randy Moss is here.

He's a country-ass bass fisherman
from West Virginia...

who used to own a NASCAR team.

Dude, even your Black receivers
are white dudes.

I mean, dude, come on. His name's Randy.

It's the fucking whitest name since Kevin.

Rob Gronkowski's here.
He's Tom's favorite tight end...

Rob's here tonight. He's Tom's
favorite tight end that wasn't a murderer.

A lot of people, um...

A lot of people don't know
that Gronk is originally from Buffalo.

That's right.

He was actually born
on a folding table at a Bills tailgate.

In a weird twist of fate,
that's also where he was conceived.

The, um...

Apologies to your folks, Rob. Um...

You know, the second-best number 11
ever to play for the Patriots is here.

Julian Edelman.

Jules is, um...

Jules is a true unicorn.

He's a short Jewish receiver...

but he also played defense.

Belichick wanted him to play nickel,
he held out for dime.

Most of his career highlights
are just negotiations.

So look, Tom, I'm really glad...

that you enjoyed all this amazing success
with the team that I built.

Super fucking happy for you, bud.

That's a good one.

You know, when, most people lose
their jobs, they start drinking.

I started a winery.

It's called Doubleback.

It's named after what Tom does
every time he walks past a mirror.

You know this move, right?

You know you do that shit.

You know, my favorite wine is
our world-class cabernet.

Tom's favorite whine is
"Where's the flag?"

You know, obviously, buddy...

you got really used
to not being touched, right?

Just like the end of the marriage.

So, hey, look, buddy, you know,
you have more rings than I do...

but I've experienced a couple things
that you will never experience.

The feeling of being the number-one-
overall draft pick in the NFL.

And a, um, 28th wedding anniversary.
It was yesterday.

Yeah, that was, um...

That actually was yesterday.
Love you, baby.

Um...

So, look, when I first met Tom,
he was not the greatest of all time.

He was not what you see right now.

He was just a sensitive pretty boy
from San Francisco...

who wouldn't shower with the team.

And he drove a yellow Jeep.

A yellow fucking Jeep, right?

So look... Don't make excuses, dude.
It was a yellow fucking Jeep.

But look, I am not standing here
right now saying that Tom Brady is gay.

I'm not. I'm not saying that.

But he sure did fuck me.

All right. So now I have
to be nice and sincere, and I will be.

Um, look, man, Tommy, I've told you before...

and I will tell you now
in front of millions of people...

incredibly proud
of all that you've accomplished.

But I'm...

But, um, I'm far more proud
of how you've done it.

You've always been
a man of true character.

I know you're gonna continue
to do great things.

I love you, all right?
-Love you. I love you.

Now...

will you please stay fucking retired?

We are sick of this shit.

All right, got to go.

Drew.

Boo.

Hey, Drew, I don't wanna hit you
with like a shot...

'cause I feel like
you've been through enough.

Um, but I just wanna add...

Is it just me or do you guys feel like
Drew has one of those faces...

that you see
in the Walgreens picture frames?

Like, you know when you go
to Walgreens or Target or fucking...?

You got
an employee-of-the-month face, Drew.

It just looks like you do great work
wherever you fucking go.

Like, "Man, that guy there worked hard.
Look at him.

Ever since the Brady shit,
he's been here night in, night out.

He's Sam's Club's best cus..."

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

The whole time he was talking, I was like:

"That looks like somebody
in the employee-of-the-month..."

He was like:

You guys are all idiots. Fucking idiots.

This is my stage.
I got the fucking gun. You hear me?

Fuck you, Tom.

Every once in a while,
I'm just gonna tell you that just because.

And I'm gonna hit you
with a couple shots coming up.

Stop drinking 'cause you're nervous.

Every once in a while...

Every once in a while,
I want you all to do me a favor...

and just put a tight shot on Tom's face
when people are talking shit about him.

His lip is shaking.

If you can look at it, he just
doesn't know what they're gonna say.

With that being said, Tom,
I'm gonna fuck you up after this one.

You're gonna get some more.
But this next roaster...

This next roaster is amazing.
Guys, it's Nikki Glaser.

And her new comedy special
is called Someday You'll Die.

You know why? Because it's all about
the guys she fucked without a condom.

They're dead. Come on, Nikki.

Thank you, 15 Cent.

You really gotta hand it to Kevin Hart,
'cause he can't reach.

No, Kevin, I love you.
No one works harder than this man.

Do you know that every morning
Kevin wakes up at 4 a.m.

to make a shitty movie?

No, I love your movies.
Or as I call them "short films."

No, I'm kidding. I hate them.

No, sorry, Kevin,
I don't mean to belittle you...

but you "be little," man.

Like, you're a tiny guy.

Kevin is five-two, 150 pounds.

Um, 155 after the Rock finishes, but...

What...?

Thank you.

You're his favorite Fleshlight.

Rob Gronkowski is not all here. Hey, Rob.

No, Rob, you're not really as dumb
as you look and sound and act and are.

He might be dumber.

Is it true, you were the first person
born with CTE? Is that real?

No, Gronk, I love you.

You put the "downs" in touchdowns,
you really do.

You put the "special" in special teams.

You put the "tard"
in "Rob Gronkowski is retarded."

Sorry.

Why? I'm so sorry, Rob.

You haven't caught this much heat
since you were microwaved as a baby.

I'm sorry.

Jeff, killer set.

Congrats on the weight loss too, man.

It must be nice to know that being fat...

wasn't what made you
disgusting to look at. That's...

Sorry, man.

You really put the "ick" in Ozempic.
It's...

Jeff, you look like
your pronouns are "it, that."

You'd look like something cancer catches.
Are you pickled? I'm confused.

The only time Jeff ever got a woman wet...

is when she helped roll him back
into the ocean.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I love you. Tom, Bert, I love you too.

You're presenting together later
like two peas in each other's mouths.

Bert. Bert, I love you.

You know I'm such a fan of your joke.

It's good.

Shirts are supposed to stay on,
but he takes it off.

It's so good.

Andrew Schulz, you carny-faced bitch...

I... I hate your comedy
more than Kevin hates high fives.

I really...

Now please give it up for zero-time
Super Bowl champion Randy Moss.

I'm sorry, Randy.

Why don't you have a ring?

What the hell, man?
You're one of the best ever.

Drew Bledsoe has a ring.

Aaron Hernandez had a ring
around his neck.

Like, what's going on?

Julian, you have three rings
around your cock right now...

you squinty-eyed fuckboy.

Julian, out of curiosity,
how are you getting home?

How did you get here today?

Did you drive? Or did you,
ride Tom's dick? Which was it?

Because I...
-Tom's dick.

'Cause I wanna get
a ride home on it, but...

But let's get to the reason
we're all here tonight.

Drew Bledsoe.

"Drew bled so Tom could run."

But I'm gonna move on from you...

just like your team did
after you almost died.

Tom Brady.

Hi, Tom.
-Hi.

Tom Brady. God, the only goat
Jeff Ross hasn't tried to fuck.

Tom Brady, five-time Super Bowl MVP,
most career wins, most career touchdowns...

you have seven rings...

Well, eight now
that Gisele gave hers back, but...

I just wanna...

Sorry, Tom.
-It's okay.

Tom, the only thing dumber
than you saying yes to this roast...

was when you said,
"Hey, babe, you should try jujitsu."

I think that was...

That's gotta suck.

Dude.

How much would it suck for Tom...?

My God, just knowing
your ex-wife's new boyfriend...

can beat your ass while eating hers.

That's gotta be terrible.

You'll be okay, Tom.

Yeah, you're great.

First, you're the hottest person
I've ever seen in my life.

I shouldn't be able to talk to you.
I can't even handle it.

You should see this up close.
It's insane. I...

Listen, tonight there's gonna be
a lot of jokes about me, um...

being like, a depraved,
cum-guzzling slut.

And I just wanna say, for the record,
I do have a boyfriend.

We've been together for ten years.
The love of my life.

He's here tonight. And I just...
He's sitting right over there.

And I wanna say publicly...

I would shoot you
in the fucking face for a lottery ticket...

to suck this guy's dick.

Just a chance.

He's perfect.

He was on my fantasy team last night.

My clit has CTE now.

I would show you,
but the NFL's making me cover it up.

But seriously, Tom...

You really are...

I mean, you're the best
to ever play for too long.

I mean...

you retired, then you came back,
and then you retired again. I get it.

Hard to walk away from something
that's not your pregnant girlfriend.

It's tough.

To be fair, he didn't know
she was pregnant.

He just thought she was getting fat.

And Tom hates fat.

Do you guys know about his diet program?
It is so strict.

But if you follow it exactly as he does,
you too can lose your family.

And, seriously,
you can lose so much family.

It's... It works.

Tom also lost $30 million in crypto.

Tom, how did you fall for that?

I mean, even Gronk was like,
"Me know that not real money."

Like...

Right?

You know.

Gro... Gronk...

Gronk actually does Bitcoin...

which is where he just chews
on a handful of nickels, but...

I got to go. But I just...

I have one more thing to say
and I promise to keep it Kevin Hart.

I...

To be honest, Tom, I didn't really know
a ton about your career before this.

And I only really started
watching football...

when Taylor Swift said it was okay.

But...

What I've learned,
I'm in absolute awe of you.

You were a sixth-round draft pick
that really...

Everyone kind of counted out.
No one believed in.

And then you became this.
You became the greatest of all time.

And if I've learned anything...

If I've learned anything
about this man is that...

if you tell Tom Brady
he can't do something...

not only will he do it, but he'll do it
the best it's ever been done.

So I'm here to say, tonight...

Tom Brady cannot make me cum.

Let's fucking go?

My God, Nikki.

My God.

For those that are watching at home,
this is live...

and that was a standing ovation.

Well fucking deserved.

Well deserved.

Goddamn, Nikki.

"Me... Me know that's not real money."

I was sitting next to Rob.

And he was saying...

After you said it, he said, "I did."

He said, "I did."

Rob.

You can't help the joke, Rob.
She's making fun of you.

"I did know."

I love Nikki, man. Nikki...

Here's a little information
about Nikki that you didn't know.

Nikki is the only woman who had
a meniscus tear in her pussy.

This is a true story.

But she's only out for six weeks, Tom.

She'll be back, if you do.

Nikki's pussy is shaped
like Gronk's Fleshlight.

I know you said that 50 Cent has one.

But Gronk actually came using you,
which is good.

"And he knew that was not real pussy."

Right, Gronk?

It's a good callback.
Callbacks is what they're called, Gronk.

My God.

Only Nikki could host
a show called Fuckboy Island...

and still not get laid.

You know, listen, do you know
that we lost three fuck boys?

Three fuck boys drowned
trying to get off that island.

We lost three good fuck boys
because of you, Nikki...

and that baggy clit.

I'm sick of it.

Yeah, fuck you, Tom. All right.

Nikki, in all seriousness,
that was insane.

Brilliant writing, brilliant timing.

Great set.

Great fucking set.

That's the beauty of roasting.

That's what it is. There's a art to it.

And when you get it right,
goddamn, it's amazing.

We're gonna keep the energy going.

Our next roast is a Black man
from West Virginia.

Wait, I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry.

He's "the Black man" from West Virginia.

Please welcome
to the stage, Randy Moss.

Come on, Randy.

Now, they got me up
after these first two acts...

and, I can honestly
tell you guys I'm nervous.

Nikki, that was fabulous. I loved that.

But thank you, Kevin.

But thank you, Kevin.

You know, we want to
keep it locker room...

and since we are in the locker room...

you know, you could have
probably played linebacker.

Junior... Junior Seau,
ladies and gentlemen.

No, I've got one.
No, no, I've got one.

All that running you've
been doing on Instagram...

we're going to give you a midget
league running back's name.

Barely Sanders.

How about that?

No, but...

man, this shit is too easy, Kevin.

Get your ass in the back.

But really, but really...

I only knew Rob Gronkowski
for a little bit...

and we bonded over a hunting trip.

And one thing that...

I really enjoyed about Roband
and his hunting trip was...

he brought me back the bird...

without putting his teeth
on the bird, so...

being the good boy that he is...

you know, I had to give him a treat.

That's a good boy, gronk.
That's a good boy...

But okay, listen...

I played three seasons with
the New England Patriots.

Okay?

Before I got to the New England Patriots...

I heard... Or we heard about Spygate.

Then after I left,
I hear about Deflategate.

So I only got one question for you, Tom.

Why the fuck didn't we cheat
when I was there?

I wanted to cheat too.

My kids always ask me:

"Daddy, why does
everyone have a ring but you?"

You know how hard it is
to look your kids in the eyes and say:

"They just don't trust me enough
to cheat"?

So come on, man, how did I miss out
on the fucking dynasty, Tom?

The dynasty. I missed out on it.

Well, I'll tell you
what you really deflated, Tom.

My fucking legacy, dude.

Where would I be if I had a ring, okay?
Where would I be?

Everyone was cheating back then.

David Tyree caught a ball
on the side of his helmet...

with a magnet tied to his hand.

The New York Giants
were cheating back then.

But everybody out there was cheating,
everybody but me.

So, Tom, you remember
our first season together?

I remember.
-16-0?

How about those 23 touchdowns?
-Man.

That's something I'll never forget.

So since you... You feeling this way?
You feeling grateful?

Nikki said you have eight.

Why don't you give me one of those eight?

The first one against the Rams,
that's the one I want.

Willie McGinest, he played like shit...

in the Super Bowl
against the St. Louis Rams, am I right?

Where you at? Hey, Lonie Paxton.

You were the long snapper
that snapped the ball...

for the game-winning field goal,
am I right?

Matt Light, didn't you block
for his sorry ass in Super Bowl...?

His first Super Bowl?

So Tom...

that's the rings that I want.
How about that?

All right.

So...

now...

you giving up a ring to me...

that will fulfill...

my dream of playing with you...

as a New England Patriot.

So...

Nikki said that you took
that one from Gisele.

Maybe.. I don't know...

we'll let the fans vote on that.

You all look on Instagram.
We voted. Randy Moss...

should he give me Gisele's ring
or the first super bowl ring...

that he... that he...

that he looked like shit in?

But...

Gronk has four rings.
Gronk has four rings.

But when you open up...

you know, when you open up
the label, you have to check...

because it says on the box
"only ages three and up".

So really it's a choking hazard, Gronk.
I know.

But...

let me say this...

Drew Bledsoe was in the freaking hospital...

and he got a Super Bowl ring.

Tom, Nate Ebner?

Nate Ebner.

Who the fuck is Nate Ebner, dude?

He has three Super Bowl rings.

Mr. Kraft.

Vladimir Putin has a ring?

So the two guys
that deflated the football had...

No, you know, I'm sorry.
That's a bad example, they deserved them.

They deserved them, they deserved them.
They deserved them.

Look, before I became a Patriot,
you were America's quarterback.

Everyone thought you were soft...

but I got to see your tenacity
and how you prepared for the game...

and you approached the game
like a hard-hitting linebacker.

Even though we didn't win it all...

I still got everything that I wanted
because I got to play...

with the greatest quarterback
that's ever lived.

And for three years, it was a short time...

we scared
the entire National Football League.

Tom, you're still my quarterback.

Even though you did not want me
to be your accomplice.

Ladies and gentlemen, I love this man.
He gave me an opportunity.

Y'all know the story about me
sneaking in the hotel to see him.

They told me to come up here
for a roast, man.

And I told them, for Tom Brady, man,
I'll come and do anything for Tom.

Thanks for having me, man.
Appreciate you guys.

Wow.

Wow.

Randy Moss?

Did you hear that, Tom?
That man's fucking hurt.

He's hurt.

I can goddamn see it.
I can see it in his eyes.

I see it the way he looks at you.

You guys fucked him over, man.

It's fucking ridiculous, man.

You goddamn put him
in this situation to come up here...

and expose himself like that.

As a Black man...

By the way, Randy,
tonight shouldn't be the night.

It's only three Black men up here.
Well, four.

You got you, me, Willie, Sam.

Who else? Five. Six.

Sorry. No, Sam, I was going down the line...

and I swear to God,
that's the only reason why I said that.

Hey, bro, does anybody know
why Randy Moss came up here...

dressed like
a public-school substitute teacher?

Jesus Christ.

Where did they tell him
he was going? Goddamn it.

Ran... Randy is proof
that Black people can be white trash.

Right there, that's it.

Y'all let me start drinking.
It's going to be long...

it's going to be a long night...

Okay, Randy is done.
We're going to keep it going, guys.

Let's keep it going, keep it going,
keep it goin, keep it going...

Keep it going, keep it going...
there you go.

All right. Guys...

next for a very special toast, right?

This toast has to come from somebody
worthy of a moment and such.

A special friend and a special lady,
Kim Kardashian. Come on.

Thank you so much, Kevin.

I know a lot of people make fun
of your height...

but what people don't know
is you're also pretty mean.

Which makes you the smallest
Black dick I've ever seen.

Sorry, guys.

I would have written jokes for you...

but I literally don't know
who you are, so...

Um, okay,
but I'm really here tonight for Tom.

I wasn't gonna come tonight,
but since I'm not here as Tom's date...

there's still a good chance I might.

Speaking of Tom and I dating...

I know there were some rumors
that we were.

And I'd never say if we did or not,
I'd just release the tape.

Um, but I do know it would never work out.

An ex-athlete,
high cheekbones, silky hair.

You remind me too much of my stepdad now.

Um...

Part of me thinks
you would want to undress me...

just to try on my clothes.

I know the transition from the NFL
must have been really hard...

but I think my stepdad is
a great example for you.

She's one of the best athletes
in the world...

who proved you can do anything
in this next chapter of your life.

You can become a commentator...

a far-right Republican...

or even a strong, confident woman.

No, seriously, I think it's so great...

the way that you're showing everyone
that even after winning seven Super Bowls...

you can still have a midlife crisis.

Honestly, it's hard for me
to watch people roast you...

but I think enough of my family members...

have helped defend
former football players.

Um...

So I'm just here tonight
to support you and celebrate you.

Retirement isn't easy.

It can be a lot like a bad breakup.

So I'll give you the same advice
that I give all my exes.

"Good luck knowing
the best is behind you."

Congratulations, Tom.

Cheers, everyone, to Tom Brady.

It's good shit, Kim.

Give it up for Kim Kardashian,
everybody.

Beautiful. Thank you, Kim.

Have a seat.

We're gonna auction off
your seat cushion later for...

To raise money for erectile dysfunction.

We're live on Netflix.

If you're just tuning in,
this is not Love on the Spectrum.

This is Hate in the Forum.

Everybody's here.
I got so many friends here.

Look, Marco Andretti,
great race car driver, is here.

Hi, Marco. Take a bow
with your beautiful girlfriend, Billie.

I bet you two lay down a lot of rubber.

Does he ever finish first?

Great job, Kim.

Caitlyn Jenner wanted to be here,
but she was confused by the tuck rule.

It's my honor to bring up our next act.

Are you ready, motherfuckers?

Please welcome Bert Kreischer, Tom Segura.

The 2 Bears.

Thank you.

Thank you, Jeff,
for turning this special night...

into one more opportunity
you couldn't turn down.

God, you are such a fucking whore.

And that's coming from me, Jeff.

Thank you for inviting us
to celebrate the GOAT, W.G.

Wait, what's that? Wait, GOAT, W.G.?

Greatest Of All Time, White Guy.

Aw, fuck, yeah.

You know, our people don't get
many days like these anymore.

No, we really don't.

Netflix was hoping
some trans, amputee skier...

was popular enough to do this, but...

instead, they settled
for the greatest white guy alive.

It's rare that they let us have a night.

They have taken everything from us.

Golf.

Tennis.

Hockey.

And even baseball, once America's pastime,
isn't even played by Americans now.

You fucking traitor.

But tonight isn't about them.

It's about this incredible,
white American man.

Two solid whites.

And, ladies and gentlemen,
tonight isn't just about...

Tom Brady's dream of securing a future
for white children in this country.

No, it isn't.

Tonight is about celebrating
everything Tom Brady stands for.

He is so good-looking.

He's fucking gorgeous.

Look at this fucking picture.

Fucking... Who takes this picture?

Was he pregnant?
-This fucking...

Fuck.

This is the fucking gayest shit
I've ever seen.

He...

That's you. That's you.

That's fucking you.
-He's also...

He is also relentless.

You can't tell that guy no.

And he has that one thing
that only special men have.

He's HIV positive.

No, that was Magic...

and it happened right here
in this building.

So much fucking, but...

What Tom Brady has
is that killer instinct.

Which makes Netflix
the perfect place for Tom Brady.

Yes, because if there's one thing
that Netflix loves...

it's serial killers.

Don't believe us?

Let us compare him with another famous TB.

Ted Bundy.

Fuck, he's gorgeous too.

I think I might need a new hall pass.

Bundy has so many emotional traits
that Tom has.

Let's take a look.

Wait, what's this?

This is the psychopathy checklist
developed by Robert Hare.

It has helped me understand
my wife better, and...

as you can see,
Tom Brady checks all the boxes.

Maybe they should call it
"The Brady List."

Believe you me, Bert.
One day they will.

Glibness, superficial charm.
Brady's got it.

How does a smile just disappear like that?

It doesn't end there, Bert.

Grandiose sense of self-worth,
this motherfucker's got it.

All right. Well, to be fair,
Gisele got half that check.

Yeah, that's a good point.

Fuck you, is she here?

Then shut the fuck up.

Brady even has the need for stimulation,
prone to boredom...

that all the psychos have.

"I'm retired.
You know what? I'm not retired."

Tom Brady is 100% a psychopath.

He's from...

Northern California,
like the Zodiac Killer.

He choked a couple times
in New England like the Boston Strangler.

And he chewed up and spat out
the competition just like Dahmer.

What about another Netflix
documentary darling, Jeffrey Epstein?

Well, he wasn't a serial killer.

He just had a sex-trafficking ring,
and unlike Tom...

it was a ring he earned legitimately
without cheating.

He is an ice-cold killer.

No, that was Aaron Hernandez,
Tom's bestie and favorite target.

Look at this,
just a couple of goofballs having a laugh.

My God.

I just realized, it hit me.

Tom Brady is just like
another famous "not-so-nice guy."

Wait, you mean that notorious team leader...

who was told he wasn't any good...

but he still pushed through
and made sure everyone knew his name?

You got it.

Hitler.

They're so alike.

The only difference is...

They look so cute together.
-They do.

The only difference
between Tom Brady and Hitler...

is that Hitler stuck with his wife
until the end.

At least Hitler had the balls
to do what we wish Brady would...

put a bullet in his head.

Stay retired.

Tom Brady, you are a terrifying man...

and we are so glad you found football
before hookers and genocide.

Please know, these are all just jokes
and we do not wanna die.

Seriously, dude, you are the best.

Thank you for having us.
Please don't kill us.

We really wanna live. We have families.

Don't kill us, Tom. Thank you.
-We love you.

Wow.
-Thank you.

Wow.

Wow, wow, wow.

Guys, we are having an amazing night.

On a night like this, you got to go out
and check on people, right?

How you guys doing, man?

It's the goddamn table full of fighters.
Not you. You're different.

Hey, Dana, you having a good time?

I'm not gonna fuck you, Dana.
Don't square up on me.

Did you just fucking square up
like you about to hit me?

Jesus Christ, racism in real time.

How you doing, big guy?
All right. Just come...

Sit down, boss. This is my trainer.

This is your moment right here.
I'm giving you TV time. Say hello.

I'm killing time right now.
Do your cool face right now.

Nah, that looks stupid. Move.
Watch out. You blew it.

You fucking blew it.
Look at these beautiful women over here.

Here's my wife and her two brothers.

That's Dom and that's Kyle,
her two brother friends.

And this is my wife.

All right, guys, we're set.

We're going to keep it going.

My God, what an amazing time
that we are about to have.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen,
with that being said...

make some noise for a friend.

A funny favorite of mine, Sam Jay.

Wow, it is truly amazing
to be here, seriously.

I'm from Boston.

So I'm absolutely honored.

I have to thank Netflix...

and also I wanna say
congratulations to you, Netflix.

You've done it again.

You've made another white man
a mediocre star.

Bert, you are truly talentless.

You are a disgrace
to the legacy of fat, funny superstars.

If you were actually talented...

you would have overdosed
in a hotel room a long time ago.

Farley, Belushi, these were great men.

They knew how to live.

They ate heart-clogging steaks...

they fucked prostitutes...

they did mountains of cocaine.

They went out like fucking rock stars.

Bert, you don't do drugs
and you only fuck your wife.

You don't even know how to be...

You don't even know
how to be fat and famous right.

You're gonna die from too much Kool-Aid...

endless shrimp,
and choking on Joe Rogan's dick.

I was worried about AI,
but, Bert, you're proof that a machine...

can't write a good script.

You're an example
of racism being alive and well...

because for a shirtless, fat Black man
to make your kind of money...

he had to get hit by a Walmart truck.

Drew, it's so nice to see you here, bro.

Honestly, I'm from Boston,
so this feels really good...

'cause I grew up hearing your name
around my house, you know?

They'd be like, "Yeah, Drew Bledsoe sucks.

That big-ass white boy can't run for shit.

That nigga got a potato face."
Shit like that.

I just want you to know I'm not like that.
I'm evolved, you know what I mean?

I have empathy.

I know it must be hard
to be a fucking loser.

Seriously, dude,
what the fuck are you doing here?

This dude has bested you in every way,
so we know you hate him.

You went first, he went sixth...

and he still took your spot
and sent you off to Buffalo.

He's been cucking you for years...

and yet here you sit.

You like that shit, don't you?
You sick fuck.

Tom, do us a favor...

and fuck this dude's wife already
and get it over with.

The only ring you have
is the one Tom won for you.

So your Super Bowl ring
is just like my strap-on.

Just because you wear it,
doesn't make it real.

Drew...

honestly, if you put yourself
out of your misery tonight...

we'd all understand.

But I just want you to know...

you'd still be
the second-best Patriot to do that.

Tom, I'm so honored, dude.

But I have to say,
for a guy who doesn't like Black people...

you sure do a lot of nigga shit.

You wear all your rings,
you love the Migos...

you took out an illegal PPP loan...

and you refuse to raise your kids.

I actually think
that's why you left the Patriots.

You were too Black for Boston.

I know retirement is hard.

I too have retired something.

I put down dick years ago.

And GOAT to GOAT, I have to say...

I'm ready for one last game...

and I know you wanna know
what it's like to score one more time.

And I just wanna know
if my pussy's still good.

And who would be a better judge?

But this isn't sexual.
I'm not hard up like Nikki.

This is completely a fact-finding mission.

So no Luther Vandross, no candles...

just me, cocked open on the table,
OB-GYN style...

hospital gown, you come in with your UGGs...

dick already hard...

Dick already hard
'cause I'm not doing all that.

You have on a hospital gown too...

but it's backwards
so the dick can stick out.

You hut twice,
and then you stick it in, bam.

One strong stroke...

then you pull out slow...

we towel down, high five.

You could be my final completion...

and I can be the first time
you look a Black woman in the eyes.

But seriously, Tom...

I'm a Patriot fan, I'm a Bostonian...

and loving you is a scarlet letter
that I wear proudly.

I appreciate what you did for the city.

You truly are the GOAT.

And will you please, please,
please sign my jersey?

Sam Jay, y'all. Goddamn.

Ladies and gentlemen...

please welcome to the stage
a living legend...

a world-class lover...

and the number-one news anchor
in all of San Diego...

Mr. Ron Burgundy.

Hello, everyone.
New York City in the house.

Madison Square Garden, MSG.

Billy Joel.

Residency. Yes.

How about those Knickerbockers?

Probably gonna lose in the second round...

but we're looking good right now.

Kevin Hart...

my second-favorite comedian
next to Earthquake.

God, I love Earthquake.

Hello.

My name is Ron Burgundy, and...

I am a very big deal, but...

tonight is not about me.
-Love you, Ron.

I love you too.

Not about me. We are here to honor
a champion of the gridiron...

a great American...

a father...

and a sexy man.

A true Patriot
until he was not, of course.

Mr. Tom Brady.

Holy shit, this man is gorgeous.

I've seen him on TV before...

but in person, itchy wah-wah.

Look at those cheekbones.

That's a million-watt smile right there,
and those eyes.

A person could get lost in those eyes.

And right now, I am that person.

Ron, pull it together.

You're a straight man.

He's making you question your sexuality.
Stop looking at him.

You're here to make fun of him,
not fall in love.

Concentrate. Here we go.

All right. Back to the roast, everyone.

I never liked you, Tom.

In all my years
of watching professional football...

I never saw a more boring quarterback.

The master of the six-yard slant.

The screen, the check down.

Randy Moss, where are you?

There's Randy. I see you over there.

All that speed running down the field.

Randy, he was never
gonna get you the ring.

The check down pass was
the only option. Sorry.

You were just a sexy decoy...

to make Tom look good.

You were the on-the-field version
of Gisele Bündchen.

Is it Gisele or Gisiele?

Gisiele, I believe, right?

Gisiele.

Gisiele Bündchen.

From Spain. She's Spanish, right?

Tom, look at me. She's Spanish, right?

You don't even know?

Poor Gisiele.

It took her 13 years
to learn what we all know.

Tom is boring.

Dink, donk, dink, donk.

Dink, donk,
dink, donk, touchdown. Who cares?

Who cares?

The guys on, Sports Center,
some personal friends of mine...

used to praise Tom for his quick release.

Not women, by the way.

Women were not impressed
by his quick release.

I'm putting Earthquake to shame,
right, Kevin?

I mean, the last time
this guy went truly deep...

he ended up paying child support
to Bridget Moynahan.

I wrote that myself this morning.

In the airport bathroom,
at LaGuardia.

It should be obvious now,
Tom ruined football for all of us.

Watching the Patriots play
actually made me look forward...

to all the fun and laughter
of a Bill Belichick post-game interview.

By the way, Bill, wherever you are, I...

I hope you know... Hope you know it now.

It was Tom. It was never you.

Remember?

No, no. Remember that period
when people thought it was you?

Well, it wasn't. It was Tom.

I understand, Bill,
you're currently unemployed.

Good luck on ZipRecruiter.

A lot of jobs in the health-care field.

I hear male nurses are in great demand...

and with your bedside manner...

no one would rather wake up
after gallbladder surgery...

and look into the loving,
kind face of Bill Belichick...

as he gives you a sponge bath.

No, there's no reason
why we all had to endure...

20 seasons
of six-yard passes to Gronkowski.

Tom was too afraid
to hold on to the football...

because under all that lifeless lumber...

handsome as he is...

And he is very handsome, my God.

If you were this close to him like I am,
you'd know what I'm talking about.

I haven't even mentioned his golden skin.

Don't you shake your head at me
and say, "Crazy."

I'll make life crazy for you, Kemosabe.

How it must feel
to touch that golden skin...

These are strange feelings, Ron.

Focus, focus.

You hate the man, remember.
Remember, you hate him.

Where was I? Yes.

Underneath that dead robot
of a quarterback...

there's a scared little boy.

How do I know this?

You don't see
Eli Manning here tonight, do you?

That's because he's afraid of Eli Manning.

Eli Manning made Tom Brady his bitch.
He made him his bitch.

Okay, I'd like to hear everyone
in the audience say that with me.

On the count of three,
we're all gonna say:

"Eli Manning made Tom Brady his bitch."

One, two, three.

Eli Manning made
Tom Brady his bitch.

That was terrible. Let's do it again.

Actually, as disjointed as that was,
that felt good.

Don't worry, Tom, the nightmare is over.

You can just sit back, relax,
and talk about football...

invest in cryptocurrency scams...

and drink your protein shakes.

I don't know if you know this.

Tom has a whole line
of plant-based nutrition called TB12.

Look it up.

It's good...
I lost 15 pounds from this stuff.

Those shakes work.

I only had to drink one glass,
and for the next two weeks...

I was on the can with the worst case
of diarrhea I've ever had.

I recommend the cookies-and-cream shake.

There's nothing like
shooting out cookies and cream...

as you race to the toilet.

Cookies and cream...

all over the floor
of the LaGuardia Airport bathroom...

Stall Number 3.

That's the one I always go to.

On that classy note,
I'd like to wrap it up.

Tom, it's clear,
everybody up here loves you.

I...

I love you, although it...

It might just be lust.

It could be love. We'll never know.

I can't wait for you
to be up there on Fox Sports...

commentating on the game you loved, or...

Or playing for the Raiders
in the playoffs.

Or...

coaching the Patriots,
or whatever the fuck you're gonna do.

I mean, let's be honest.

Your best years are behind you, Tom...

the Super Bowls, Gisiele...

your movie career.

It's all done. It's all gone.

But you won't be forgotten.

You'll always be remembered
as Eli Manning's bitch.

Don't let that get you down, Tom.

Like I said before, we all love you.

In fact, only one man truly hates you...

and it is my pleasure
to bring him out here...

Mr. Bill Belichick.

Thank you.

What's up?

Thank you.

What's up? Kevin, you think you can
get me a cheer like that in Philly?

I don't think so.

Um, Ron Burgundy.

Where's Ron?

Ron Burgundy,
the only member of the media I respect.

The fellas invited me up here...

to lighten up the mood
a little bit tonight.

Um, but, seriously,
I'm so honored to be here...

for the roast of Tom Brady on Netflix.

It's not to be confused...

It's not to be confused
with the roast of Bill Belichick...

on the 10-part, Apple TV series.

So...

Um, there's a lot of mean things
being said about Tom tonight.

I wonder why they invited me.

Really, Tom, why are all these people
so hard on you?

Do you miss me?

And, you know, Kevin,
whenever Kevin talks...

I go into a cover 2 defense,
cover both ears.

Some... First time, you know,
some of these comedians tonight...

Andrew Schulz,
Nikki Glaser, Tom Segura...

This is the comedy version
of the No-Name Defense.

Who are these people?

You know, for 49 years
I've been a football coach...

but tonight I'm gonna be a life coach.
And, Jeff? Punt.

When I get rid of my two sleeves,
it's from my sweatshirts.

When Jeff Ross gets rid of his
two sleeves, it's from a box of cookies.

Go ahead, Bill.

I got it rolling? All right.
-Do it, coach.

You know, a lot of people, you know...

kind of connected me
with a saying called, you know:

"Do your job," and telling people
to do their job, and Gronk...

Gronk, I've been watching you
on Fox NFL Sunday...

and I'm begging you,
please, stop doing your job.

Do another job. Do somebody else's job.

I love coaching Gronk. He was the best.

He was a great teammate,
great, great player, Hall of Fame player.

Give it up for Gronk, man.

Gronk's taking a lot of heat.

He's been roasted the third most
between Brady, then me...

and Gronk tonight, but...

But, sorry, Rob, I gotta keep going.

You know, Rob last landed
some endorsement deals...

for some of his favorite foods.

You know, Campbell's Soup, Dunkin' Donuts...

and don't forget Tide Pods.

Just a true story, 100% true story.

I used Rob's Tide Pod commercial
to teach our team...

that this is when you say no.

Just because somebody asks you
to do something stupid...

you don't have to do it.

Say no.

That advice was never given
by Kevin's manager.

A lot of you don't know,
but I really have a big heart.

I really do.

I rescued...

Seriously.

Come on, man. I mean...

I rescued a dog from the shelter,
and I rescued...

And I rescued Randy from the Raiders.

Listen, Randy,
I'm really sorry you didn't get a ring.

Not sorry enough to give you one of mine...

but I'm still really sorry.

You know,
it's great to have all the Patriots here.

You know,
you guys are all awesome, really.

You've meant so much...

And Tom's the greatest of all time.
There's no question about that.

That's why we're all here.
Tom's fantastic.

But he played on some great teams...

and these great players
that played with him...

they were great teams.

We accomplished a lot,
and, yeah, I'm so proud to be here.

But you know, Danny Amendola,
up here on the stage, came with us...

and...

Danny joined us in 2014,
got us 200 yards that year.

And then in, 2016...

he picked up another 250.

Or... Or to put it another way...

what Randy would call
a decent first half.

Matt, I love where you are.

Matt Light. Matt Light protected
Tom's blind side...

along with Nate Solder.

Two great left tackles.

Blocking Dwight Freeney and all those
other guys that are in the Hall of Fame.

Maybe they'll get there someday too.

But, Matt, I love where you are,
far away from the microphone.

In all my years with the Patriots...

there's no player
I had to say more often to...

shut the fuck up than Matt Light.

You know, Matt came into the league...

and you know about his struggle
with Crohn's disease...

and that certainly explains all the years
why he gave me so much shit.

One man that it's always great to see,
Rodney Harrison.

Rodney Harrison here.

One of the greatest players
I've ever coached.

I mean, he's a great,
great football player, great person...

great competitor.

He's not in the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

To me, that might be
the biggest joke of the night.

Give it up for Rodney.

Just invite me to your induction.

Believe it or not...

I've got a lot of nice things
to say about Tom...

but I'm running out of time here...

Do I have a couple extra minutes?

We already talked about
the cryptocurrency.

I'll stay away from that one.

But I see your soccer team,
Birmingham City...

got knocked down to another tier
in the English Football League.

So, you know, for those not
familiar with English football...

and the intricacies
to their obscure regulation system...

just let me say,
I'll put it in English for you...

they suck.

Not so easy running a team,
is it, Tom?

All right.

All right.

So a little coaching advice.
Stick to American football.

You're really good at that.

You know, people have said that
Tom and I have butted heads a lot...

and in a way,
that was true, but not really.

It was hard to butt heads with Tom...

because he was so far
up Alex Guerrero's ass.

His ass.

You know, Tom,
you had so many clutch moments...

so many big plays,
so many just unbelievable, you know, plays...

that will live on forever.

I remember the pass
that you threw to Amendola...

when we beat Baltimore
in the playoffs in '14.

No, that was Julian that threw
that pass to Amendola.

Thanks, coach.

There was the pass you threw to Dorsett
when we beat the Eagles.

Kevin, you remember that one, in 2019.

No, Julian,
you threw that one too.

That's my coach.

I'm happy for him.

Tom threw a lot of touchdown passes,
I can't remember them...

but he threw a bunch of them.

You know, seriously,
Tom and I had our differences...

but, you know, it only comes to love
and respect about our relationship...

and we did some special things together.

You know, for all of you out there
that think about who's responsible...

for the Patriots' success during the time
when Tom and I were there...

Was it Brady? Was it me?
Was it Brady? Was it me?

In reality, the truth of the matter is...

it was both of us...

because of me.

Great event, Netflix.

Great night to be here.
Thank you very much.

Love you.

Tom, Patriots, love you guys.

Thank you.

Wow.

Who would have fucking thought?

Who would have thought?

Goddamn, coach came up here
and set the road straight.

I can't even trash him.

I had stuff ready to trash him,
but after that, I can't.

I don't feel comfortable
trashing the coach after that.

I'm actually gonna say
something a little heartfelt.

Coach, you should hear this.

I like the fact that
you actually had the balls...

to come out here,
and do the fucking roast...

and talk shit with Tom, coach.

All right.

Just for a quick second
before we go and continue the show...

to tell you guys why I think it's so dope.

'Cause you cut the middle man out.

And the middle man is the hypothetical.

The middle man is the assumption.

Everybody has an assumption
about the relationship of.

And the dope thing is, ultimately...

when you see the relationship
support one another...

and have fun with one another,
that's what the relationship is.

What I'm saying is...

What I'm saying to the world is...

mind your fucking business. All right?

Mind your fucking business.

Coach, good shit.

Way to come out and be supportive tonight...

and back goddamn Tom Brady.

Holy shit.

I love it.

Goddamn, coach.
I had some good ones for you, too.

I had... Can I just tell you one of them?

I was like...
Okay, can I just tell you one?

I'm not gonna do them,
but I feel like if I'm saying...

like, let me tell you one,
that's different.

I was going to call you Captain Smiles
'cause I never see you smile.

I was like, "he's just always angry."

People call him a piece of shit, but
I feel like saying "a piece" isn't fair.

'Cause he's a lot of shit,
like a bunch of pieces.

Like, that was one of them,
like just a pile of shit.

All right, forget it, coach.
I think I'm blowing it. Fuck it.

No, coach, don't do that.

Don't throw a fucking flag on me.
Don't do that.

Okay, all right. I'm still on your side.

I'm on your side. I'm on your side.

Bill, I gotta be honest.

I really was a little touched
just at the fact that you came out.

I am dead serious right now.

That was a very gentleman-like
move on your behalf.

Tom, you better fucking appreciate that...

and tell him about it later, all right?
-Absolutely.

God, what a night. What a night.

Are you guys having a good time? I am.

Are we having a good time?

Yes?

At home, I hope you are too, man.

The fact that this is a live event
on Netflix is insane.

The first of its kind.

There will not be the last.

I think we're gonna do more
because it's just going so well.

Let's keep the goddamn train rolling.

Guys, your next roaster
is in love with Tom Brady...

and I do mean that.

Those aren't my words.

That's what he wrote
on a mirror in his dressing room.

He might actually pop
the question tonight...

or he might pop his man-pussy.

Please make some noise for Julian Edelman.

Come on, Julian.

What a night. What a night.

There are so many
legendary Patriots here tonight.

I figured the next time I'd see you all
would be at Kraft's funeral.

Sorry, Mr. Kraft.

Now let's give it up
for our host, Kevin Hart.

Thank you, Jules.

I know everyone's gonna make
short jokes about you tonight...

but not me.

I'm gonna make Black jokes.

Wha...

Kevin, you are so Black...

that when I saw you,
I thought you were Bert Kreischer's liver.

And Bert Kreischer's liver is so black...

it just did four hours
on the Shannon Sharpe podcast.

Jeff Ross is here.

What's up, Jeff?

Fun fact, Jeff and I are both Jewish.

The difference is, I'm the kind of Jew
that people look at and go:

"he's Jewish?"

And Jeff's the kind of Jew
that makes you wanna join Hamas.

Let's go, Julian.

Gronk's here.

I don't really have a joke.

I just wanna make sure that he knows.

Gronk, you're gonna kill it, bubs.
You're gonna kill it.

I'm so proud of you, bubs.
So proud of you.

Now, everyone always asks me
how big Gronk's dick is.

Now, don't get me wrong,
it gets the job done.

But there was this
other Patriot's tight end.

Now, he was hung.

Think about it, think about it.

Coach Belichick's here.

Coach.

You barrel-chested son of a bitch.

You remember when you used
to yell at us, "Look, assholes.

The fucking kids down at Foxborough High
can make that fucking play"?

I've been waiting for this for so long.

Look, asshole, Foxborough High
is the only job offer you fucking had.

"Do your job"?

More like "need a job", coach.

Now we get to Tom.

Look at you, you handsome devil.

TB12, Tampa Bay Brady, the GOAT.

Or as I like to call him...

Leonardo DiCaprio's
ex-girlfriend's ex-husband.

When we played together, Tom,
you used to scream:

"Laser focus. Laser focus."

Now that's what he screams
at his plastic surgeon.

Who's laughing now, Tom?

Not you, because your face can't move
and you don't have a sense of humor.

Now, when I got to New England...

you were already Tom motherfucking Brady.

Three Super Bowls...

married to a supermodel.

I wanted to be like you so bad, bro...

that when your wife left, I thought about
getting rid of my beard too.

You're gay. You're gay.

But, hey.

But I don't wanna talk about your wife.

He's actually here.

Alex Guerrero, everyone.

For those of you who don't know,
Alex is the snake oil salesman...

who transformed Tom
into a total fucking weirdo.

Now...

He's weird. He's fucking weird.

I know there's gonna be a lot of jokes
about me being gay for Tom.

Well, let me set the record straight.

Those balls weren't gonna
deflate themselves.

That TB12 method works.

Lots of pineapples in those smoothies.

Sweet cum, sweet cum,
if you didn't know that.

Honestly...

the only reason I came here tonight...

was, will you come
on my fucking podcast already, bro?

I have Peyton Manning.
I've had everyone else.

I had Eli Manning.

No, but Tom, you're my brother.
I owe you everything.

You let me into your inner circle, bro...

and you showed me
what it meant to be a professional.

And I'd do anything for you, bubs.
I love you.

You're a great sport for doing this.

And who are we kidding?

This is Tom motherfucking Brady.

That's what I'm talking about, Julian.
That's what I'm talking about.

Just remember, these are jokes, Tom.
These are all jokes.

Because you're my gravy train.

I love you, bubs. Let's go.

White boy-ing at its finest.

Boy, them white boys
love to play with the dick jokes.

I don't know what it is.

I don't know what the fuck it is
about the cultural separation.

Willie, you was in that locker room.

How many dick jokes flew your way?
-I'm in trouble.

How many dick jokes flew your way, Willie?

I bet not one. I bet you said:

"Motherfucker, nigga, I'll kill you
if you say shit like that."

Julian just made a joke
about draining Tom's balls.

Tom was like, "".

It's fucking...

This is live on Netflix.

It's like, millions of people watching.

Two white boys. "Your dick, my dick."

"My balls, your balls."
What the fuck is happening?

It's live television.

No, Julian.

Tom, you're supposed to tackle
that motherfucker right here.

The only person to celebrate was Jeff.

"I'll... I'll... I'll do it too,
if you want me to."

Jeff, Sam Jay said something earlier...

and I've been thinking about it since.

She started talking about her dildo.
She was like, "my God."

Like, "Yeah, what my dildo
would look like."

I was like, "I bet her dildo
looks like Jeff Ross."

I bet.

A little fucking white dick.

Sam, if you got a white dick, I'll
never talk to you again, I swear to God.

All right, guys...

This roast honestly is going so well.

It's going so good, so good...

not just because of the performances...

which have been amazing,
but because of our live audience.

You guys have been amazing, man.

Make some noise for yourselves right now.

I need to know my live audience
is still with me.

We can do better than that.
Make some goddamn noise.

Yes.

All right, next up is the host...

of the number one live podcast
in the world.

He's sitting in the audience
because he's so hated...

that we made him buy a ticket.

Give it up for the host of Kill Tony,
Tony Hinchcliffe. Let's go, Tony.

Fuck yeah.

Howdy, y'all. We are here
with a special episode of Kill Tony:

Kill Tommy.

You guys know how it works.

I got a bucket here.
If I pull someone's name out...

they get 60 seconds, uninterrupted.

You know their time is up
when you hear the sound of a kitty.

That means they have to wrap it up then.

So here we go.

And I've pulled out... Wow, look.

It's Dana White, everybody.

Make some noise for the great Dana White.

Sixty seconds, interrupted,
for Dana White.

The President of the UFC.

Thank you.

This is not my thing...

so I'm gonna keep this short,
like Gronk's bus.

Actually...
Let me get into this real quick.

It pisses me off.

I flew all the way out here,
and you guys give me 60 seconds?

My name is Dana.

Is that not trans enough
for you liberal fucks?

No?

All right. Tom, you played
for the Patriots for so long...

that I was actually starting
to feel like you were from Boston.

Then I saw you running...

I was like, "No, he's definitely
from San Francisco."

You led the league
for 20 years in passing.

As a straight guy.

Come on.

That was a good one.

Hey, I got two of the baddest dudes
in the world here right now.

Sugar Sean O'Malley...

and Max Holloway.

Tom, you would have been a great fighter.

You're already the master
of the ground and pound.

That's what you call "coffee dates"
with your boyfriend, Alex Guerrero.

One more thing.

You people probably don't know this...

but Jeff Ross
was very interested in the UFC.

He thought it meant
"Unlimited Fried Chicken."

I love you, Tom.

Dana White, ladies and gentlemen.

Great job, Dana.

A lot of you might not know this...

but Dana is the millionaire founder
of the UFC...

and he's also a degenerate gambler, so...

That's fucking awesome, Dana.

Hey, Tom. This is great.
Nice shoes, bitch.

Did you win those in the divorce?

I love it. This is a fucking
stellar dais we have up here.

Randy Moss, I was upset
that Bill Belichick said...

he wouldn't give you a ring.

You know what else doesn't have a ring?
Bill Belichick's phone.

Everyone's up here talking
about what a big winner Tom is.

But let me tell you,
Tom is afraid of the Giants...

which is why Kevin Hart
is hosting tonight.

It's true.

All night, he's been using the stool...

that Aaron Hernandez kicked out
from under himself.

It's true.

Kevin is so small...

that when his ancestors picked cotton,
they called it dead lifting.

So many great quarterbacks up here.

You know who doesn't pass?
Kevin Hart on any movie he's offered.

But we are here for Tom.

Tom Brady is a Patriot,
which is surprising...

considering he looks like
a Confederate fag.

Tom Brady, why do you look like
a gay Tom Brady?

Clearly, your ex-wife takes after you.

I hear she's out there
draining balls right now.

People love you, Tom.

You have the same fan base
as Kyle Rittenhouse.

Gronk, I'm happy you could take a break
from writing Santa letters...

to be here today.

I knew you were here when we were all
out of chocolate milk backstage.

By the way, that's Kevin Hart
sitting next to you.

That's not your shadow.

Gronk, you look like the Nazi
that kept burning himself on the ovens.

You look like the final boss
in George Floyd the Video Game.

The great Jeff Ross,
ladies and gentlemen.

Jeff is so Jewish, he only
watches football for the coin toss.

And of course,
throwing long bombs at brown people.

Nikki Glaser.
What a performance tonight, am I right?

Absolutely killer set.

Nikki, who wrote that?

Where was that your entire career?

Nikki has such a bad eating disorder...

the industry keeps shoving her
down our throat.

You might recognize her
from her podcast appearances...

specials, and winning
the Triple Crown at Churchill Downs.

You might recognize Kevin
as the jockey that rode her.

And that's Churchill Downs the racetrack...

not to be confused
with what Jeff Ross looks like...

when he smokes a cigar.

Sam Jay, everybody.

Killed.

An obese African American lesbian.

So by having her,
Netflix checked off a lot of boxes.

She is a Black lesbo,
which means she doesn't eat pussy...

she "aw, hell, gnaws" on it.

Earthquake's on his feet, I'm killing.

You might recognize Sam from this.

Her entire Wikipedia
could fit into a fortune cookie.

Andrew Schultz, I'm glad you took a break
from watching YouTube videos...

on how to dap-up Black dudes correctly.

Schultz's mom
is a professional ballroom dancer...

which means she's a stripper
that talks too much.

Bert Kreischer is a king.

He looks like if the Tiger King
and the Liver King...

only ate Burger King
and had a liver that looked like...

Martin Luther King
got beat up by Rodney King.

And how about the appearance
from the great Ron Burgundy?

A whale's vagina, which reminds me,
Kim Kardashian's here.

She's had a lot of Black men
celebrate in her end zone.

Kim, word of advice: Close your legs.

You have more public beef
than Kendrick and Drake.

Thank you, guys. Thank you, Tom.

Thank you, Jeff. Thank you, Netflix.

You...

You fucking give it up for To...

For Tony.

Give it up for Tony.

God.

My God.

Tony, that was good.

I felt like we should clap
or else you'll go shoot up a school.

He looks like he's gonna do
something crazy.

Those fucking pants and that belt,
you fucking podcasters.

I said don't let him in here.

Tony, I can't deny great comedy.

Goddamn it, that was great fucking comedy.

Bit for bit.

Bit for bit, Tony.

I believe in giving flowers.
I have nothing bad to say, man.

Performance, goddamn. Every box.

Whatever you want to say, you check.

The... I just have to say this.

Sam, fuck him. All right?

The... "Aw, hell, gnaw." That right there.

That right there, like...

Sam, I want to come back
and, like, get him for us both.

But that was really good.

He got us good, Sam.

He got the Black culture good
with that one.

"Aw, hell, gnaw," that's...

He turned into Tyler Perry
in the middle of the show.

Fuck you, Tony.

I'll come back in a couple days, Sam.
We'll get him.

Just not now. Let him have this moment.

Son of a bitch. That was so good.

All right. Fuck that.

And fuck you, Tom.

All right?

All right.

Guys, our next NFL roaster
holds the NFL record...

for the most receiving touchdowns
by a tight end.

My God.

Yes.

Yes, it's true.

And soon, soon he will hold
the record for most concussions received...

from reading a teleprompter.

Please welcome Rob Gronkowski.

Come on, Rob.

Wow.

Wow, this has been a fucking night.

Kevin Hart, first off, I've taken shit
bigger and blacker than you.

And unlike you, my shits don't sink
when they're in the water.

Yes, Kevin looks like one of my shits.

And Jeff Ross looks like
one of my livers in 20 years.

Yeah, sit down, bitch.

Jeff is so Jewish...

that backstage, when I put
my hand up for a high five...

he took ten.

Bert Kreischer, Krusher...

I don't know, I can't fucking read,
we all know that.

...is here.

Bert went to FSU.

Fat Shit University.

I love you, Bert, even though
you stole my whole drunken gimmick...

shirtless fucking thing
I used to do back in the day.

You're more like Slob Gronkowski,
you fat fucking lard.

Look at all my guys.

Rodney Harrison. What's up, dawg?

We got Matt Light.
We're gonna get Matt lit tonight.

What's up, brother? How you doing?

And fucking Amendola. What's up, buddy?

You went into coaching last year...

so you're now known as Amen-Dumbass.

Coach Belichick, nice to see you, sir.

I'm your last Pro Bowl pick
on the offensive side of the football...

and that was like 2000-fucking-9.

But man, this is like a family reunion.

Tom and Julian are like brothers to me...

and Drew Bledsoe is the grandfather
I assumed would be dead by now.

You're right.

Drew got traded to the Buffalo Bills...

so he's played for two
of the worst fucking Bills in football.

Fuck, coach,
I just noticed that joke is about you.

Should I run the hill?

Coach makes us run that hill
whenever we fuck up...

and I didn't fuck up there.

Randy Moss, so...

Randy Moss. Randy Moss.

So good to see you, Randy.

Randy hails from the great state
of West Virginia.

Country roads take me home...

to the place where dating your sister
is as common as dating your other sister.

By the way, we're talking about sisters.

What's up, Tom's sisters? Yo.

I just made that up on the spot, too.

Get it, Gronk.

Go, Gronk.

Randy's nickname was "The Freak."

Edelman's nickname was "The Squirrel"...

because he loved having
Tom Brady's nuts in his mouth.

I suppose.

And when Tom left for Tampa,
he gave him the whole shaft.

And Julian is gonna change
his name to Jillian...

and move in with Tom.

Just two little gay boys prancing around.

Everyone kissed Tom's ass. Even I did.

That's fine to admit...

but Julian, you're the only one
who used tongue.

I saw it in the shower.

Wait a second. Tom, you don't shower.

You must've been extra stinky.

All right.

Tom.

All right, yeah. Julian.

Tom left you on the Patriots
so you couldn't blow him anymore.

We all know that.

And Bill, you never gave Tom any action.

No hand job, nothing. Fucking...

He gave him a hand job.

All right.
Did you give him a hand job, coach?

Why'd you blow the whistle?
I said you didn't give him...

Take this joke out.
-All right. Take this joke out.

Scroll back up. I'm saying this joke.

Bill, you never gave Tom action.

Well, let me tell you...

did he fuck you in the end
as hard as he could.

Rear-ended you from Tampa Bay.

That's a 1300-mile-long cock Tom has.

And let me tell you, Julian sucked
that cock all the way from Florida...

through the Carolinas,
all the way up to Massachusetts...

spitting on it, lubing it up...

to even get further penetration
up your ass, coach.

Holy fuck. I wrote that joke, by the way.

Wow. Wow.

No wonder
why you didn't want me to say that.

You can read like me, coach.

Congratulations.

But, coach, you used to talk about
Foxborough High School when we sucked.

But now I know...

why you were so obsessed
with Foxborough High School.

You were scouting your new girlfriend.

I mean, coach, my joke wasn't fucked up...

but that's fucked up.

You're 73 years old.

You should be trying
to bang someone your own age...

like Nikki.

All right,
I'll run that fucking hill again.

This time, I'll just keep running.

And now let's talk about
my designated driver, Tom Brady.

Even though we played together
for 11 years...

I feel like I barely know this guy.

Tom's just like the avocados he eats.

I think he's a fruit,
but I'm just totally not sure.

I didn't even know you were in Ted 2.

I was watching that scene...

when a tiny, furry bear
started jerking you off.

At least I think it was Ted 2.

It might have just been
security cam footage...

of Julian at your house.

I like that one.

I'm creative.

You guys all think I'm a dumb
piece of fucking shit, but...

Well, I really am. I really am.

Fucking... I run into people for a living.
Obviously I'm fucking dumb.

All right, Tom.

You should find some new hobbies, man.

Like I did.

I had a racehorse called Gronkowski.

I didn't name it Tom Brady
because, unlike you, it's good at running.

And it also knows...

when it should be taken
behind the barn and shot.

Shootout.

I'm one of five brothers.

Tom doesn't even know five brothers.

I mean, there are only two-and-a-half
of them on this roast.

They don't count behind us,
Kevin, all right?

You're standing up.
You can still suck my dick.

Wow. That would feel good.

I never tried it before,
but I'll do it with you.

Just 'cause you're standing, like,
imagine that grip you can give me.

Wow.

Man, I'm making shit up as we go.

Just like my routes.

But we had a connection.
He would still find me.

"Gronk, why the fuck
did you run that way?"

Touchdown, motherfuckers.

Good. That's good.
-Yeah?

Wait...

Gronk, you're supposed to run in.

He's going deep. Shit, touchdown.

Bill would be like:

"Gronk, he doesn't know
the playbook, but he scored.

It's fine."

But, Tom, I really am psyched tonight
that we got you and Bill here tonight.

Everyone thinks you guys hate each other.

But I saw firsthand,
you two are exactly alike.

You're both hard asses that hate fun.

You both live and breathe football.

Neither of you are married anymore.

You're both even divorced from football...

and both of you take full credit
for the dynasty.

And worst of all, I've never had
a fucking drink with either of you.

Now, hold it, hold it, hold it.
No, don't drink.

He said don't drink.
-I got something for you later.

Listen, Tom. Man.

You don't fucking listen, Tom.
He said don't drink.

Go ahead, Rob. I got you.

Well, tonight,
we're doing a fucking shot, baby.

And... Yes.

And that's why you gotta listen.

That's why Coach Belichick
got rid of your ass.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Man.

Shit.

Sound it out, Rob. Sound it out.

All right.

Where am I?

Where am I?

Shot. Shot. Shot.
-You got it.

We're doing a shot.

And don't worry, it doesn't have
any strawberries in it, Tom.

Nightshades, inflammation,
whatever the fuck you're talking about.

And it was approved by your mom
and Bill's boss, Alex Guerrero.

Shots.

Come on, Rob.

No, Rob, not that. The shot, not that.

Put that back. There you go.

Rob, get the fuck... Help him, Jeff.

Goddamn it.

I said don't leave him up here by himself.

Get the glasses. There you go.
Good job, Rob.

Good job.
-I love you, Bill.

I love you, Tom.
-Hold on. Give him a shot.

Coach, take the shot. There you go.

Come on.

Building bridges.

Touchdown.

Love you, guys.

That was tremendous.
-Thank you, coach.

Um...

We're live, so there's no way
to hide the fact...

that Gronk might be
on a little more than alcohol.

Yeah, no, it's okay.

Yeah, yeah, no, Gronk, we'll get it.

Yeah, no, we'll clean it up, Gronk.

Yeah, just sit down
when you get a chance, Gronk.

Jesus Christ. Just lay down.

Just lay down.

I'm gonna say
what everybody else is saying.

And I don't know if I can get canceled
for saying what I wanna say.

No, go back. Go back to the top.

I'm gonna get to that.
This is just my truth. Um...

Gronk scares me.

He scares me.

Gronk is the...
He's the unsafe drunk white guy.

I want... This is a moment for white guys
to understand how Black guys feel.

I looked at Randy
when Gronk was saying a lot of shit...

and Randy had a look that said,
"I'm going home."

Like...

Gronk is the guy that does shit...

that we all know ends up
in a fucking bad situation.

Goddamn it, Tom.

You need to get him on a fucking leash.

I wish y'all could've seen the words...

that we had to sound out
and elongate on the fucking prompter.

There was so many Es.

We had a lot of Es on one word.

Gronk got stuck. He was like...

I had to help him.
Sound it out, Gronk. Fuck.

Keep it going. Jesus Christ.

You know, Gronk...

They had this concussion protocol, right?
Here's the protocol for Gronk.

If you hit him in the head...

the only way to get him out of it,
you got to hit him again.

Gronk is the only player
that can take two hits.

Fucking Gronk.

Jesus Christ.
This whole live almost went to shit.

Here's a good thing.
Gronk says that he's returning, right?

He's not returning to NFL football
'cause he's lost, like...

He doesn't have the itch for the game,
and that's understandable.

But the women you slept with do.

They've all claimed it, Gronk.

They're itching.

You fucked them good.

A lot of fucking going on
in the Patriots organization, by the way.

Jesus Christ. By the way,
Bill loved that. Look at Bill.

He...

Jesus, Captain Smiles is laughing hard
at the fact that you're giving out herpes.

Jesus Christ, Bill.

What type of dark humor
have you been blessed with?

"Yeah, fuck all of them, Kevin.
I don't have a job."

All right.

I get it, Bill.

Fuck you, Tom.

All right, guys, listen.

Your next roaster just sold out
Madison Square Garden.

I want to fucking exclamate that.

My guy sold out Madison Square Garden.

And it was a dream of his,
and he fucking made it happen.

And that's pretty good for a guy
who looks like he works at Olive Garden.

Please show some love
to Andrew fucking Schulz.

Let's go.

Hello, Forum. Make some noise.

All right. Give it up for Kevin Hart.

First of all, hosting this thing.
Absolutely amazing.

Hardest working man in Hollywood.
Give it up for Kev.

Kev is the hardest-working man
in Hollywood...

outside of the PR guy from Nickelodeon.

Kevin Hart,
or as he's known in the industry...

the Rock's bottom.

Kevin is best friends with the Rock.

His dad was also
best friends with the Rock.

Crack.

We could smell what he was cooking.

Crack.

Kevin's a superstar.

Only thing you can make fun of him
is for being short...

but there's advantages to being short.
Kevin is the only Black guy...

you can still call three-fifths
a person, which is awesome...

'cause that's what his wife
took in the divorce.

Guys.

What a dais we have here,
ladies and gentlemen.

Look at this.

This stage has seen more head trauma
than a Kennedy on the campaign trail.

Speaking of brainless Patriots,
Tom, all your boys showed up for you.

They did.

Gronk, you hunky retard. Look at you.

Gronk, you look like
your mom fucked a monster.

Energy drink.

I'm surprised you didn't start
your set with, "Hey, you guys."

Despite coming across
as a mush-brained mongoloid...

Gronk actually has
a New York Times bestselling book.

He is the first author in history
to have a ghost writer and ghost reader.

It is... No, it's amazing.

He can't read. He's still trying
to figure out what three-fifths is.

Three-fifths is how much of Nikki's hand
goes down her throat after a meal.

Whatever you're doing, Nikki,
it's working. Keep it up.

Julian Edelman is here.

I didn't even know that Julian was Jewish...

until I saw him
return a kickoff for a refund.

That...

Julian is notorious
for having sex with, like...

every Jewish model on the planet.

Both of them.

I'm joking.

There's plenty of Jewish models out there,
or as they call them in L.A...

Leo's Bagel Holes.

Dana's here.

Dana White,
the greatest promoter in history.

Make some noise for Dana.

Dana has put more immigrants
in cages than U.S. border policies.

Dana is a skinhead genius.

He found a way
for minorities to beat each other up.

Respect to Dana, though.
He's a self-made man.

Before the UFC, he left Boston
with absolutely nothing.

And that's something, Randy,
you can completely relate to.

Shout out to Randy,
coming out dressed like Bagger Vance.

Someone get him out of the sand trap.
I mean, Nikki's pussy. Sorry.

Randy is the greatest wide receiver
of all time.

He's also a civil rights hero.
A lot of people don't know this.

Randy got expelled from his high school
for fighting with racists...

but that did not stop him.

He fought racists his entire career...

and that's why he refused
to win a championship for Boston.

So give it up for him.
You won in the long run.

You beat them, okay?

Randy made sure,
on Super Bowl Sunday in Boston...

the only people celebrating a happy ending
were the priests.

Jeff Ross is here. Roast royalty.

Jeff, you remind me of the patient
from the game Operation.

'Cause every time kids touch you,
you light up.

There's none back there, Jeff.
Just sit down.

It's amazing Jeff Ross
is even here, actually.

He's recovering
from a horrible ACL injury.

ACL is the only injury
Gronk can spell.

And speaking of things that make men limp,
Nikki Glaser is here.

Give it up for Nikki.

A lot of people were wondering
why Nikki was even on this dais...

which is sexist fucking bullshit.

She's absolutely hilarious.
Give it up for her.

She's absolutely hilarious.

]

Killed it. Killed it.

A lot of you don't know.
Nikki has deep ties to football.

Not only is her face made out of pig skin...

but every guy she dates
bends her over and takes a hike.

So she deserves to be here.

Okay?

People talk about Nikki's appearance...

but I think we all know
what matters is what's on the inside.

What's on the inside is what counts.

Sure, on the outside,
she looks like Tiffany Trump...

but on the inside, she's Barron.

Speaking of people
that can no longer deliver...

let's talk about Tom motherfucking Brady.

The man in the arena, the GOAT.

Tom,
I know Bill Belichick showed up late...

but don't worry,
he has someone secretly recording this...

so he can watch
the whole thing later, okay?

Bill has secretly filmed more guys
playing for the other team than Diddy.

That's your boy, Kev.

A lot of tight ends turned wide receivers,
if you know what I mean.

Tom said that the reason he loves football
is 'cause it allows him to be...

his most true,
authentic version of himself.

Hiding behind a mask,
throwing things at Black people.

I'm kidding.
He never threw to the Black guys.

Gronkowski, Edelman, Welker.

That's not a receiving corps,
that's a law firm.

And with that divorce coming up,
you're gonna fucking need them.

That's why Dana's here...

so you can learn how to fuck
a Brazilian out of half their purse.

Tom, you became the GOAT...

by being the fiercest competitor
on the planet.

Tom was once asked
which one of his rings was his favorite...

and he said:

"The next one."

Sorry, that's a Gisele quote.

My bad. Guys...

Yeah, that was Gisele.
That was Gisele, for sure.

Tom, you all remind us...
Or, sorry, you remind us...

that no matter how big you get,
how successful you are...

how much you accomplish in your life...

you can always end up a twice-divorced
supplement salesman in Tampa, Florida.

And for that, we all thank you.

You are the GOAT. Thank you
so much for even doing this.

Goddamn it.

Andrew Schulz.
Worth the goddamn hype, man.

You're hearing his name a lot
more and more, and it's deserved.

It was great.

I gotta be honest, it was great.

Guys, don't go down.
Fucking show him the love.

It was great.

Hey, hey, how about a hand
for this fucking guy?

Kevin Hart.
-Shit.

Thank you, Jeff.
-Amazing show tonight.

Amazing host tonight.
Amazing host, Kevin Hart.

Amazing.
-I appreciate you.

Amazing.

Thank you, guys. I appreciate you.

We are having a good time.

Hey, my question is...

if Andrew is here,
then who's fixing the dog race?

Because they look like Andrew.

Just wait a second.

Andrew Schulz is looking so peculiar.

It's like, you just can't put
your fucking eyes on it.

What is it? I cracked the code.

Andrew looks like
a pedophile from the '30s.

Like the 1930s, the guys with the weird...

Or, Andrew Schulz looks like
a silent film porn star.

No noises, all faces and mustaches.

That's it.

Andrew Schulz is...
Andrew Schulz, here's what it is.

Andrew Schulz's dad,
I'm willing to bet, has a pizzeria...

but one of those pizzerias
with no pictures of Black celebrities.

It's just weird,
and you can't ask questions.

Andrew looks like...
You know what it is?

Andrew, you look like
you were in Guys and Dolls...

but you also look like you fucked them.

I got to be honest with you, Andrew.

Looks like you do weird shit.

Not just because of the mustache,
just because of your face.

Andrew is proof that once
you start pretending to be Black...

you will never go back.

He has been here for the entirety.

Andrew, they didn't like that.
I thought that was good.

They don't know the fucking,
like, 50 Cent history.

No, they don't get it, Andrew.

I thought that one was gonna hit.

Like the Black shit you just did,
the concert, 50 came out.

All right,
I'll explain it to you later, I guess.

You understand what Andrew Schulz is.

He's a great guy, the culture loves him.
All right, I'm done explaining it.

Fuck you, Tom Brady.

All right.

Guys, listen, we are honored.

We are honored to have a living legend
in the building tonight...

and I do mean honored.

Listen, I want you to make
some Patriot noise...

some good noise, good noise...

for our Patriot owner,
Robert Kraft. Please.

Tommy, thanks for having me here
at this unique experience.

I thought I'd seen it all,
but this is special.

And you know the Patriots
are more than a football team for me.

They are family.

And guys, it's good...
So good to see all of you here again.

Thank you so much
for everything you did for us.

And you know, like many family reunions...

there's some people
I'm desperately trying to avoid.

Coach Belichick, good to see you.

You really look debonair in sleeves.

Tonight has really been funny...

but Julian, let's be honest and realistic.

I'm not inviting you to my funeral.

Tom, good luck buying the Raiders.

They did your favorite thing
for you already.

They got rid of Jimmy Garoppolo.

But in all seriousness...

Tommy and I...
This is very meaningful to me...

because I remember him
coming down the stairs...

at the old Foxboro Stadium 24 years ago.

It was built for $6 million.
It was not fancy like this place here.

But the first thing, he came down
with a pizza box under his arm...

and said, "You know, I'm Tom Brady."
I said, "I know who you are.

You're our sixth-round draft choice.
Number 199."

He looked me straight in the eye
and he said:

"Yes, and I'm the best decision
this organization has ever made."

So nothing could be truer.

I want to raise this drink to you...

and say you will always be special
to my family.

And I love you, Tommy.

And one more thing.

In case, Vladimir Putin, you're watching...

give me my fucking ring back, will you?

Wow.

Robert Kraft bringing the heat.

He wrote that, all of that himself.
He wouldn't let us give him anything.

That's all him.

That's right, Vladimir.
Give him the fucking ring.

I got you.

Yeah, no, Robert, I got you.
You already know.

I fucking got you.

No trashing Robert Kraft tonight.
Not on my watch.

Not on my watch. Not on my watch.

But Robert, I do have some questions.

I just... It's nothing.
It's just a question.

You and Bill...

You and Bill are so far apart
from each other.

I just feel like...

Why don't you take a shot together, man?

Robert wants to do it. Bill?

Let's make the uncomfortable
uncomfortable, right?

Pour Bill a shot.

No, no. Gronk, Gronk,
that little black cup right there.

The Gran Coramino cup.
Pour some of that in his cup.

Pour it in Bill's cup. In Bill's...
Goddamnit, Gronk.

Fuck.

Gronk.

Pour the Gran Coramino
in his cup and have him take a shot.

I love it.

Robert's here.
Wait, Bill... Don't move. Bill. Bill.

This is a big moment, Bill.

I want to say, this is the greatest coach
in the history of the game...

that did what no one else has done.

And having Tom Brady and him...

was the greatest honor
the good Lord gave me.

So, cheers.
-Cheers.

Cheers. Let's go.

Drink it.

A Black man made that happen.

That's right.

That's right.

A Black man from North Philadelphia
took the racism out of Boston.

Ended a beef.

This was a beef.

By the way this beef is bigger
than Drake and Kendrick.

It's that big. Holy shit.
I can't believe they actually did it.

Good shit, Bill. Robert, good shit.

By the way, remind Robert where he is.

He may not remember in a second.

So when he gets to that seat,
tell him what he did.

'Cause that's my friend. He needs to know.

I love you. I love you, Rob.

All right, guys, listen, we have
a very special guest here tonight, right?

This guest is a great friend of mine.

One of the most famous guys
from Boston. Seriously.

One of the most.

I would say there is only about
two or three...

but this guy here
in my opinion is the one.

Please show some love to Ben Affleck.

Thank you.

Wow. Got here just in time, I see.

I...

Tom, I gotta say...

How are you doing?

How are you?

This is pretty fucking ballsy of you.

Is life too fucking good?

You're like, "You know what, I'd like
someone to kick my ass for three hours."

Is this...?

I gotta tell you, this settles it.

You won't find me volunteering
for the Ben Affleck Roast.

Or as I like to call it, Thursday.

Anyway...

Hi. You may know me as an extra...

from Tom's Dunkin'
boy band Super Bowl commercial.

In fact, it was during that shoot
that Tom asked me...

to look at his
social media accounts for him.

I guess for some reason
he thinks I get a lot of online criticism.

I do.

But I took a look at it.

And I gotta tell you,
I didn't even last two fucking hours.

It was the most toxic thing
I have ever experienced.

And that's saying something.

For instance, here is one line,
that I remember from Tall Boy Henry Bill...

There's a lot of L's in it, okay?

"Brady was just assistant quarterback
with no arm strength.

He's a whiny pussy with
a lot of protection from the refs.

He sucks. Fuck you. Fuck you, Tom Brady."

Thanks, Tall Boy Henry.

That's the kind of stuff that
Tom gets all day long.

And... you know, meanwhile Tom
and all these guys up here...

you've heard them say, they don't...

they don't say anything
because it is always about...

"no, you know,
it is all about the fans."

"You know, we couldn't
do it without the fans."

Let me let you know about a little secret...

Tom can do it without you.

He really can.

They're talking shit behind
your fucking AOL account...

and suburban Buffalo...

about the guy's arm strength
being his fucking systems guy.

Tom was the system, okay?
He has seven rings.

You took seven
years to get your GED.

I mean... arm strength.
This is the NFL.

You'll be in the fucking hospital
if you will step on the field for one play.

I mean, you know, you guys...

Look, fans fucking have your back, right?

They buy tickets, they show up.

Win or fucking lose,
they support you. I know.

I went to Foxborough where Steve Grogen
was the founding quarterback.

Like you sitting there fucking hiding
behind your keyboards...

spewing out all this fucking toxic shit...

about people you'll be
afraid to come up to it...

if you saw them at the car wash.

You know, people went out there...

and did something
who were successful...

or, even...

if another player ended up catching
the fucking football in his helmet.

Maybe they failed.

But fans have your back, okay?

You guys out there, talking shit...

all right, behind your fucking keyboard.

That doesn't make you a fan.

That makes you a bitch.

Look, Tom started his career...

as arguably the slowest,
least physically impressive non-kicker...

ever to put on an NFL uniform,
including massage therapists.

I mean...

Look at the fucking guy.
You know what I mean?

He went to the Pro Bowl.

He started his career with the physique
of a professional bowler...

with a smaller right arm.

Overcame all that to become the GOAT.

Tall Boy Henry, you didn't overcome...

You can't overcome
a modest fucking flight of stairs...

without your rescue inhaler.

Fuck you, Tall Boy Henry. You suck.

A bunch of football experts...
-Get them.

Thank you, Kevin. I appreciate it.

A bunch of football experts
living on their aunt's couch...

saying like, "Tom, you should have
thrown to the slant receiver...

against the Dolphins."

Or "Tom, you should have seen
the fucking quarterback...

when you threw that pick six
in the Super Bowl against Atlanta."

Actually, you should have.
That was terrible.

You should have... There was
no excuse for that.

Maybe, yeah, just, you know...
No, I don't even know what to say.

But look, essentially, fans...
I get it, right?

They pay the salaries.

But could you imagine,
just try to think of a less rewarding...

more agonizing professional experience
than effectively working for somebody...

you go out and fucking kill it...

succeed every day to the degree,
that fucking level...

and you gotta go online
and read that shit.

I can't think of a more fucked up,
dysfunctional, horrible working system...

designed to perpetually
make people feel awful.

You know what I mean?

You... What... Even the boss is always
that fucking much of a miserable prick...

and you can't do anything right...

I didn't know... I didn't know
you were gonna be here, Bill.

I actually... I actually can think of one.

That was my bit,
but actually I'm not going to...

I don't think I will ever have
this chance again. Bill.

What's up?

I'm...

probably never going to work again
after being a part of this after tonight.

But I've got a question. Yes.

That's the thing.
You blow the whistle.

You have that look on your face
like everyone works for you.

You know what I mean?

I got season tickets, you work
for me mother fucker.

I want to ask you a question, okay?

Don't... It's not about Malcolm Butler.

There's no answer to that question.
It's just...

I get it. I know, I watched
the press conferences, you know.

You're not a talker, no chitchat.

No comment,
moving on to Cincinnati.

I don't know how you get away
with that, honestly.

Like, in my business,
even if you make Justice League...

you don't think I want
to fucking move on to Cincinnati?

The global press tour...

and they're like get out there
and talk to the cameras, champ.

I want to move on to Cincinnati.

It doesn't matter if they
make memes out of you, talk.

Anyway, I just...

I just have this question...

and I guess, you know,
I think I'd like to get an answer.

It's pretty simple, you know,
we're not gonna move on.

I just... I got nowhere to go, you know?

I just want to know, like...

What the fuck does a guy have to do
to make Bill Belichick happy?

Like, fucking cure...
How about just to see some teeth?

Like, you gotta cure cancer?

And they're watching the Super Bowl,
Tom throws a touchdown pass.

You guys win again,
and Bill is looking at him like...

you know, fucking Tom shit in his cereal.

That was the look on your face.

Do you know what the look
on my face would be...

if I was a football coach
and Tom Brady was my quarterback?

Thank you very much.

Another piece of white boy humor.

This is the first time
I ever wished Netflix had commercials.

Jesus.

All right.

Guys, we are fucking
rearing the end of the show.

And by the way, at the end,
it just gets better...

because this is a moment
that we've all been waiting for.

It's the main event.

By the main event, I do mean main event.

So do me a favor. Get on your feet...

for the moment
that we've all been waiting for.

The man of the hour.

That's right, the fucking legend.

And when we talk about goddamn legends,
I'm talking about Peyton Manning.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, Kevin.

When Kevin reached out to me
about roasting Tom...

he told me he wanted me
to be a surprise at the end of the night.

And he also told me how desperate
Netflix was for downloads.

They said,
"Peyton, you gotta help us out."

Aaron Rodgers can't make it anymore.

No one really knows who Julian Edelman is.

And Gronkowski
probably can't read a teleprompter.

How great is Rob Gronkowski?
When I think of Gronk...

When I think of Gronk,
I really think of firsts.

He is the first tight end to lead the NFL
in receiving touchdowns.

He's going to be
a first-ballot Hall of Famer.

And by the looks of him,
his parents were first cousins.

It is great to see
the greatest coach in NFL history...

Coach Bill Belichick here.

For those that don't know...

coach is gonna be doing some work
on Eli and my...

Monday Night Football show this year.

I gotta tell you, it's gonna be awesome.

Eli and I are super excited.
And it's gonna give Coach Belichick...

something he hasn't had in a while.

The chance to be around quarterbacks
that he respects.

Honestly, it is great to be
with a bunch of people sitting around...

talking smack about Tom Brady...

or as we call that
in the Manning family, Thanksgiving.

True story, after spending
several Thanksgivings with my parents...

my kids now excuse themselves
to use the bathroom...

by saying "I have to go take a Brady."

In all seriousness, let me tell you
about Tom Brady the man.

Tom is making a donation to every one
of his former teammates' charities...

that came here tonight.

I gotta tell you, Tom,
that is first class.

Hey, fellas,
don't let him pay you in crypto.

Tom, even though we were bitter rivals,
we've become really good friends.

And I appreciate our friendship.

Although Tom and I
are still very different.

Like my idea of a fun Saturday night
is going to a local bar with my friends...

shooting a little pool.

While Tom's idea of a fun Saturday night
is going to the Met Gala...

dressed as the most fabulous general
on the Death Star.

My idea of dinner is Applebee's.

Tom's idea of dinner
is eating apples and bees.

Of course, we all know Tom
has five more Super Bowl rings than I do.

He also has more touchdowns.

He also has more touchdowns than I do...

more passing yards, more retirements...

more fake hair.

More TB12 bankruptcies.
That is all true, okay.

But I remember once that Tom told me,
"Peyton, numbers don't matter."

Sure, it was right before he deleted
every number in his phone...

because NFL investigators
were about to kick down his door.

But it was still nice of him to say.

One thing that Tom and I
definitely have in common, though...

is our love of the game of golf.

And listen, not to brag,
we're both pretty good players.

My handicap is a 6.4...

while Tom's handicap is blowing leads
in the Super Bowl to my brother, Eli.

But look, I want nothing
but the best for my friend, Tom Brady.

Now that we're both in broadcasting...

some people think it's a rivalry again,
that I want to see Tom fail.

That I want to see him
embarrass himself and get fired.

That is absolutely ridiculous.
It's Coach Belichick who wants that.

Ladies and gentlemen...

it is almost time for the guest of honor
to defend himself.

The last time...

The last time Tom Brady had to wait
this long to get on stage...

it was the 2000 NFL draft.

He is a three-time Super Bowl loser.

Please welcome, Tom Brady.

Thank you.

Brady. Brady. Brady. Brady.
-Thank you.

Brady. Brady. Brady.
-Thank you.

Brady. Brady.

I've had a lot of tequila.

I've been up here for two hours
listening to a bunch of shitty jokes.

Where the fuck did Peyton
just walk off the stage?

Peyton, thank you so much
for coming out to L.A. to do this.

I know sometimes you live in Denver
and sometimes you live in Louisiana...

but you'll always live in my shadow.

When I heard there was a slow white Bronco
heading down the 405 to come here tonight...

I thought we might actually see
a real football legend.

Peyton and I, we go way back.

When we started playing...

Brett Favre was still faxing
his dick pics.

And Antonio Cromartie only had one kid.

Well, folks, here we are once again...

a packed arena, five minutes on the clock.

Everything on the line.

We need a hero.

Someone to come from behind...

and pull this cluster fuck
out of the toilet.

What the fuck
did you guys do here tonight?

Looks like it's time
for Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr...

to step up and lead us to glory.

Because you and I know and
everyone in this dump knows he can do it.

Yep, the word "hero" comes to mind.

But I struggle with that word.

Because like the rest of America...

I'll always remember where I was
that fateful day in September of 2001...

when tragically, those two jets
slammed into Drew Bledsoe.

Jeff Ross, I want to thank you
for talking me into doing this.

Another thing that I'm great at. Who knew?

I did.

Because I'm about to replace you
as the greatest roaster of all time.

So hit the bench, Jeff.
Tonight you're Jew Bledsoe.

People ask, "Tom,
why would you do this roast now?"

It's simple. I can take all the hits.

I would have done this earlier...

but I've just been too busy
winning championships.

Which explains why Peyton
did this roast eight years ago.

So let's fucking go.

I've heard some people
talk about me having bad knees.

You know why my knees
are so fucked up, Kevin?

Because I spent so many
goddamn hours on the floor...

begging Netflix
to get Chappelle to host this.

Fuck you, Kevin.

Sit your ass down. Let's go.

Professor Gronkowski.

My boy.

Thank you for being here.

Despite everything
we've seen here tonight...

Gronk was actually useful on the field...

although the bar for Patriot tight ends
was pretty low back then.

Block, catch, don't murder.

Thanks to me...

Gronk was so beloved...

there's a baby rhino
in the Tampa Zoo named after him.

And Gronk, I'm here to say
you are not the father.

You can stop sending those checks.

I fucked that rhino.

When you're Tom Brady,
you're not only feared, you're envied.

People want to be you. Right, Julian?

Bro, you can live in my guest house,
swim in my pool...

try on my fucking jock...

or any other sick shit you do
when I'm not around.

But you're a fucking stalker, bro.

You'll never be me, ever. Ever.

No, you can date a model or four,
steal my cologne...

actively lobby to get Peyton Manning
removed from the Hall of Fame...

but you'll never be me.

True.

By the way,
I want to set the record straight.

Certain haters, you've been up here
talking shit about me...

not having any Black receivers.

I never noticed.

White players, Black players...

Even if I take their job while lying in
a fucking hospital bed coughing up blood...

they all get rings when they play
with Tom Brady, right, Drew?

Unless you're Randy Moss.

Can you believe that guy up here
begging me:

"T-boy, give me one of your rings."

Give you a ring? Bitch, please,
you'll be lucky if I sent you a text.

I'm not sitting on some plank
trying to hook me a catfish.

I'm Tom Brady. I got shit to do.

Where'd Ben Affleck go?
Look at Ben Affleck.

He's a huge movie star.

Jersey Girl, Phantom, Batman...

And he's here defending me?

And when has Ben Affleck
ever made a bad decision?

Glaser, Schulz, Hinchcliffe,
two racist bears.

Who picked this shitty lineup?
The New York Jets front office?

Nice fucking haircut.

But I'm not gonna say shit about Sam Jay...

because she looks like that
fucking dude who shredded my ACL.

I don't care if you're from Boston.

Kim Kardashian,
thank you so much for being here.

I know Kim was terrified
to be here tonight.

Not because of this, but because
her kids are at home with their dad.

]

We got so many
great football greats here tonight.

But where's Roger Goodell?

I know.

Remember Deflategate?

The NFL spent $20 million
and found it was more "probable" than not...

that I was "generally" aware that someone
may have deflated my footballs.

You could have just given me
the $20 million...

and I would have just told you
I fucking did it.

That's the way it goes.
You know what I'm saying, boys?

You know what I'm saying?

But I don't want to get the NFL too upset.

I'm trying to buy a piece of the Raiders.

I'm tired of owning
just the Colts and the Bills.

Buffalo fans call themselves
the Bills Mafia?

How are you the fucking mafia?

At least the mafia
has a ring you can kiss.

And while we're at it, screw Colts fans.

Colts are just Broncos who don't fuck.

Kansas City,
you say your stadium is the loudest?

It helps when all your fans
are 14-year-old girls.

And in honor of Tay Tay,
let's take a look at the Chiefs' eras.

Terrible for 50 years, good for five.
Shake it off.

Philly fans are just racist assholes.

But Kevin Hart is from there, so I get it.

Yeah, fuck you, Kevin.

In Philly, they have to grease up
the light poles...

so people don't climb them after games.

You know how they grease up those poles?

They rub someone
from Philadelphia on them.

And Giants fans...

fuck Eli and fuck you, twice.

And now for the real reason
you're all here, Coach Bill Belichick.

Everybody asks me
which ring is my favorite.

I used to say "the next one."

But now that I'm retired...

my favorite ring is the camera
that caught Coach Belichick...

slinking out of that poor girl's house
at 6 a.m. a few months ago.

Hey, you still got it.

Respect, baby.

You know, we've been through so much.

And after two decades, I finally had
to admit that all along, it was you.

You're the reason
for the Patriots' dynasty...

because you, Bill Belichick,
you are a true coaching genius.

I mean, you had to choose...

between an aging injured,
overpaid Drew Bledsoe...

and a young healthy,
minimum-wage superstar.

I could have got a fucking coach
from Foxborough fucking High School...

to make that decision.

Run it again, Belichick.

I've been out of the game for a minute,
so I'm curious.

How many Super Bowl rings
have you won since I left?

Maybe it's not just
the guy on the sideline.

When I go to the Indy 500,
I don't ask the winning driver:

"Hey, who gassed up your car?"

There have been a lot of jokes tonight...

but the truth is
I miss the love of my life...

football.

So to my fans,
it's been an honor to be your guy...

that you can count on
to get the team down the field...

and somehow pull off
a last-minute miracle victory.

What's called in football "a Tom Brady."

And to all the rest of you...

who have been talking shit about me
for 20 fucking years...

I got one thing to say.

Lose my number. Fuck them all, baby.

Get on your fucking feet one time
for the GOAT himself...

Tom Brady.

Now, Tom, one second.

Before we end the night
in amazing cheers, one second.

One quick second.

All right, Tom, this is a me thing.

I was like, all right, if I'm gonna do it...

well, Tom has to leave
with something impactful...

to match the energy of the success
that he's had along the years.

So Tom, what we decided to do
was add another ring.

Goddamnit, Tom,
you deserve another fucking ring.

But a ring fitted
for a GOAT like yourself.

Put it on.
-I love that.

That's right, put it fucking on.

Ladies and gentlemen...

that's Tom fucking Brady.

And this is a live event on Netflix.
And you are a live crowd in the Forum.

And we have a dais full of fucking hits.

Thank you all for watching.

Thank you all for supporting.

More importantly, thank you for laughing.

I love you guys so much. Good night.