Original subtitles

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

[♪ music fading out]

Okay, Billie... [sighs] ...for today's wizard lesson,

I want you to cast a spell

and hit this blue cup. Got it?

Yeah. Blue cup, easy.

Electro zephyritis.

You hit all the cups!

Yeah! So, do I win something? [gasps] A goldfish?

I said hit the blue cup.

Mm. So I'm an overachiever.

Billie, you're a powerful wizard,

but sometimes it's about precision and not power.

You can't always use magic like a--

like a bull in a china shop.

Why would a bull be in a china shop?

That's a terrible idea.

You'd break everything.

That's it. No more spells.

Just-- Just read this book for the rest of your lesson.

Uh-- Read a book?

What did I do to you?

Is it just me, or is Justin being kind of a--

Cranky pants? Grumpy Gus?

That thing I yell at drivers when they cut me off?

[clicks tongue] Oh, you mean a--

Ah! Don't say it.

It's his wisdom teeth.

He was supposed to get them out when he was younger,

and then he put it off.

My wisdom teeth feel fine.

See? I don't need them out.

What I need is more frozen carrots.

Why aren't you writing that essay?

Essay? You told me to read a book.

Now it's a 30-page report on why you didn't write that essay

on that book I told you to read.

We gotta do something about this.

Or we could keep letting him clean out the freezer.

At least this way dinner's already defrosted.

[♪ theme song playing]

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can have what you want ♪

♪ By the simplest of means ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ You might run into trouble if you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ Yes, please ♪

♪ What it seems ♪

[♪ theme song ends]

Gonna take a little nap.

When I wake up, my teeth won't be hurting.

All I need's a little peace... [inhales deeply] ...and quiet.

[door bursts open]

- Dad, Roman's being mean. - I'm not being mean.

I'm being honest. It's a dumb idea.

- No, it's not! - Yes, it is.

- No, it's not! - Yes, it is.

Guys, can you do that somewhere else?

[both] Sorry, Dad.

- No, it's not! - Yes, it is.

Okay, what's going on?

Roman said he would help me build a clubhouse in the backyard,

but he's saying no to my ideas.

I'm only saying no to the ridiculous ones.

But you said no to all of them!

Exactly.

Guys, I really am in a lot of pain,

and I just want to take a nap, so you can either work it out

or write an essay about working it out.

- Got it? - We'll work it out.

Okay, don't think about the pain.

Think about a sunny meadow, a lazy river,

the velvety touch of a name-brand paper towel.

[snores]

He's asleep. This is perfect.

I'll do a spell to take out his wisdom teeth

and he'll stop being that thing Giada yells at drivers

when they cut her off.

Are you sure about this? Maybe we should call a dentist.

How hard could it be?

- [snoring continues] - [sighs]

There's no time for an oral surgeon.

Hook those teeth like a freshwater sturgeon.

Got them.

Oh, you hooked a big one.

Man, these teeth got some fight in them.

[creaking]

[strains]

Little help here, Winter.

[both thud]

Okay, Winter. I'll hold the bag open. You gather up the teeth.

I don't like saying no to you, so I'm gonna say "not right now."

Good on you for having boundaries.

Here I go.

[exhales deeply]

Whoa. My toothache's gone.

I guess that nap really worked. Awesomesauce!

Got them.

I am not high-fiving you. You have tooth juice on your hands.

Boundaries.

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

[♪ music fades out]

Yo, what's the haps?

Uh, the haps is I got you a dentist appointment.

Well, cancel it, Red,

because your boy is feeling fly on the Staten I.

Justin, are you okay?

[scoffs] Totes McGotes!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?

[sighs] My b, you want some?

No! Because we don't drink from the carton.

- It's a rule. - [scoffs]

What kind of buzzkill came up with that?

You did.

Mm. Doesn't sound like me.

Nothing but sink!

[Roman in the distance] Milo, for the last time, we're not doing that!

Give me one good reason

why the clubhouse shouldn't have balloon walls.

Here's one. [chuckles]

- [loud pop] - [screams]

Wazzup!

It's not fair, Dad. This is my clubhouse.

I should be in charge.

You are. I'm just making all the decisions.

Roman, I got this.

Why don't you head inside and, uh, grab a juice box?

A juice box? Before five?

It's five o'clock somewhere.

Huh? [chuckles]

- Huh? Yeah! - Huh! Yeah!

- [door opens, closes] - [inhales deeply]

Hey, don't worry. I got you, okay?

What do you want your clubhouse to look like?

All I want is what's on this list.

Water slide?

Wouldn't a slime slide be more fun?

It would be more fun!

You are really earning that World's Best Dad mug

- Mom bought you and said was from me. - [Justin] Come on.

[chuckles] Here you go, buddy.

[inhales, clears throat]

Slime slide, candy tree, ball pit, trampoline room, art gallery.

- Art gallery? - I'm kidding.

Fart gallery!

Dad, it's a privilege to watch you work.

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

- [♪ music fades out] - What should I do with these?

I'd put them under my pillow.

But they're not my teeth.

The tooth fairy doesn't ask questions.

I made 60 bucks off of a jar of teeth I got at a garage sale.

- [whispers] Listen. - [suitcase wheels rumbling]

Where are you going?

Moving into the backyard.

Dad used magic to make me an awesome clubhouse.

It's way better than this dump.

Justin was using magic outside the lair?

That's not like him.

Who wants to go surfing?

Anybody wanna go surfing? We should go surfing.

But none of us know how to surf.

But some of us know how to magic.

So it's okay if I use magic outside the lair?

Uh, duh.

Billie, can I talk to you for a second?

Oh!

Is Mr. Russo acting weird?

I thought he was being kind of cool.

That's what's weird.

Well, I don't know.

Giada said he was supposed to get those wisdom teeth out

when he was younger.

Maybe taking them out now unleashed the real Justin.

Maybe this is who he was always meant to be.

Cowabunga!

Who wants to go catch some waves?

Does this mean I don't have to write that essay?

Was that not clear when I said "cowabunga"?

Come on, dudes!

- Should we? - Winter... the man said "cowabunga."

[♪ exciting acoustic sting]

Surfing yesterday was awesome. [chuckles]

I know. Justin has been so much more fun

since we took out his teeth. [gasps]

We should take Roman's next.

I can't tell if you're kidding or not.

Hmm. Neither can I.

So, was Mr. Russo back to normal this morning?

I'm not sure. I haven't seen him.

[pants] Hey, sorry I'm late.

Psych, I'm not sorry. I slept in.

Uh, Justin, isn't it a little risky

to take a portal to school?

Uh, it's okay. The principal told me he's fine with it.

But you are the principal.

Yeah, and I'm fine with it.

Hey, whoa!

No skateboarding in the hall.

Unless you're me. Later, haters.

- [skateboard wheels rumbling] - He is being really reckless with magic.

Like you-level reckless.

Winter, it's gonna be fine.

Don't hate the player, hate the game.

- What does that mean? - I don't know,

but he just conjured a sweet hoodie that says it.

Deuces my gooses!

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

- [♪ music fades out] - [school bell rings]

[sighs] I've been following Justin around all day undoing his magic.

You know, he made the water fountain squirt cheese.

He turned the school bus into a monster truck.

He gave Mr. Yancy donkey ears.

[grunting] Justin!

Donkey ears on a teacher seems like something you'd find hilarious.

I do. That's why it hurts so bad to undo it.

But if Justin keeps using magic like this,

everybody's gonna realize we're wizards.

This all started after we took his wisdom teeth out.

I-- I thought he was just happy that his toothache was gone.

Now he's acting like a dumb teenager.

Maybe we took out more than just his teeth.

Maybe we took out his wisdom, too.

No, that's crazy. You can't take out someone's wisdom.

Yo, yo, yo!

Wanna watch me skateboard off the roof into the pool?

But, Principal Russo, our school doesn't have a pool.

It does now.

Shaboom! [chuckles] Cannonball!

[water splashing]

Okay, maybe you can take out someone's wisdom.

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

[♪ music fades out]

Milo, what are you doing?

Nothing.

- [TV thudding] - Where are you going?

Nowhere.

Why do you have that TV?

What TV?

The one from Mom and Dad's bedroom.

[sighs] Okay, fine. You got me.

It is a TV.

I'm taking it out to my clubhouse.

Well, but we haven't built it yet,

because we agreed all your ideas are ridiculous.

Well, Dad didn't think they were ridiculous.

He made it for me, and it's amazing.

Oh, I gotta see this.

Mm. Too bad, you have to know the password to enter.

[groans] Is it Milo's Clubhouse?

Dang it!

Come on.

Whoa! Dad built this?

Yep, with magic.

But Dad would never use magic for something like this.

All I know is yesterday I didn't have a clubhouse

and today I'm eating chocolate chews like they grow on trees.

Because in here... [clicks tongue] ...they do.

Does sour candy grow on trees in here too?

Roman, don't be ridiculous.

They grow on bushes.

They're in a garden right past the puppy pavilion.

There's a puppy pavilion?

Yeah, but you have to know the password.

[groans softly]

Is it "Milo's Puppy Pavilion"?

Dang it! Come on.

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

[♪ music fades out]

[groans] Ow!

What the heck?!

Why'd you get rid of the pool, Billie?

Not cool.

Justin, what were you thinking?

Do you want everyone to find out we're wizards?

Do you want everyone to find out you're a bummer?

[gasps]

You're the principal of the school. You need to start acting like it.

Boo! I hate being the principal.

It's so boring, you know? It's like a job.

It is a job.

It's your dream job.

You know, you rode a guinea pig for this job.

Yo, that was sick. Guinea pigs are tight.

No, you think rules are sick.

And you think podcasts are tight.

And as long as there's a Greenwald Middle School,

you are the principal.

I can't be principal if there's no school, right?

Don't like where this is going.

What was here make it disappear!

[mystical whooshing]

[chuckling] Whoa! Sick!

What did you do?!

You said as long as there's a Greenwald Middle School,

I'd be principal. But I don't wanna be,

so I made the whole school disappear.

Booyah!

No, not booyah. Not booyah at all!

[♪ upbeat rock sting]

Puppy Pavilion, dairy-free ice cream.

This clubhouse has everything. [sighs]

That ice cream's not dairy-free.

But I'm lactose intolerant.

To the fart gallery!

This isn't the fart gallery.

[stomach growling]

Well, it's about to be.

It's fine. We just took a left when we should have taken a right.

Come on.

[grunts, pants] Huh! Back at the balloon room.

Do you not know your way around your own clubhouse? Are we lost?

No, I know exactly where we are.

We're in the balloon room.

How do we get out of the balloon room?

[sighs] That, I don't know.

- Wait, I have an idea! - No! No more ideas.

Your crazy ideas are why we're trapped in this place.

[scoffs] I knew I shouldn't have listened to you.

Wow. If that's how you really feel, maybe you should leave.

I would love to, but I'm stuck in this House of Nightmares

that I didn't want to build in the first place.

I guess all my ideas are terrible.

I'm glad you got that off your chest.

Hope you feel better.

[Roman breaks wind]

- Actually, I do. - [Milo exhales]

Normally, I would compliment you on that fart.

- But I am mad at you, so I won't. - [both] Hmph!

[♪ upbeat acoustic sting]

[Winter] Guys.

I was just in the bathroom, and I reached for paper towels.

And then there was no paper towels,

and then there was no bathroom. [inhales deeply]

I guess the lesson here is, don't take anything for granted.

Justin, you have gone too far this time.

[mocking] "Gone too far this time."

I'm serious.

[mocking] "I'm serious."

[scoffs] That's it. You've caused enough trouble.

Just go home, and I'll clean up your mess like I've been doing all day.

You're so mean!

What once was here, make it reappear.

[mystical whooshing]

I bring the school back before anyone can see it's gone,

and I'm the mean one?

You were pretty harsh.

And all day long he's been doing dumb things with magic,

and not even thinking about the consequences and... [gasps]

Oh, sweet mother of Merlin, he's me.

I would never point out your mistakes,

but I'm glad you did.

When I took out his wisdom teeth,

I also took out his wisdom.

You know, maybe if I put them back, he'll go back to normal.

Look at me, finding simple solutions to complex problems.

You really are just like Justin.

Yeah, we gotta get those teeth.

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

[♪ music fades out]

Okay, you find Justin, I'll go get the teeth.

Are they still under your pillow?

Yeah, I put them there yesterday.

[gasps] Oh, no.

I hope the tooth fairy's running late.

[gasps] Hey! Get out! Shoo! Shoo! Scat!

[sighs] Oh, that was close.

I can't find Justin anywhere. I think he's gone.

[sighs] I told him to come straight home.

That man is getting on my last nerve.

[♪ dramatic musical sting]

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

[♪ music fades out]

Justin's not in the lair.

- Where could he be? - [door opens]

[sighing] Oh, you would not believe my day.

I spilled coffee on my dress on my way to work,

someone parked in my parking spot,

and then, I did a story on a woman

who makes 100,000 dollars a year

officiating cat weddings. [chuckles]

You know how much I make? Hm? Not as much as the cat reverend

of Staten Island, I'll tell you that!

[sighs, inhales] What's going on here?

- Nothing. - We're fine.

Good, because I could not handle one more thing.

We have to find Justin and give him his wisdom back

before Giada realizes what I did to him.

He ran away after you yelled at him.

If you're him and he's you, where would you go if he yelled at you?

[inhales sharply] I think I know.

[Giada screaming] Where is my TV?!

[panicked] I'm just gonna wait for Billie outside.

She told you to shoo? You, the tooth fairy?

Who does she even think she is?

- There you are. - [exhales sharply]

What, did you come to yell at us again? Well, we're not gonna take it anymore!

Way to bail, tooth fairy!

How'd you find out where I was?

I came here when you yelled at me.

Oh, dag, I knew this felt familiar.

Come on, let's go home.

[scoffs] Why, so you can lecture me again?

[sighs softly] No. I shouldn't have yelled at you.

This isn't your fault. You tried to teach me

that sometimes magic is about precision, and not power.

[sighs] Maybe if I had listened,

I would have only taken your teeth and not your wisdom.

You took my teeth?

What I'm trying to say is, you were right.

I can be a bull in a china shop.

Why would a bull be in a china shop? He'd break everything.

- That's what I said. - Yeah!

But after chasing you around all day,

I think I finally understand.

I need my teacher back, which means you need your wisdom back.

Word. [snaps fingers] Wisdom's tight.

Please stop talking.

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

[♪ music fades out]

Hey, Milo? Milo! I know you're in there.

Of course I'm in here.

We don't know how to get out, remember?

Why was this clubhouse so important to you?

Billie has the lair.

Just wanted a cool place for us to hang out.

This was for us?

Yeah. We're brothers. We share everything.

I mean, you let me wear your underwear. [chuckles]

I most certainly do not.

Let's not get caught up in who wears whose underwear.

The point is, I wanted a space for us.

But, I guess I got carried away.

You're... You're creative. That's a good thing.

I-- I should have listened to some of your ideas.

Next time I will. I'm sorry for snapping at you.

And for calling my ideas bad?

And for calling your ideas bad.

And for being taller than me?

Milo, I can't apologize for being-- Okay, okay.

Okay. I'm so-- Milo, I'm sorry for being taller than you.

How are we gonna get out of here?

Are you asking for my idea?

[grunts] Yeah. I guess I am.

Okay. Mom! Mommy!

That's a great idea.

- Mom! - Mommy!

- Mom! - Mommy!

- [both] Mom! - [Giada] Boys?

- Boys, are you in there? - [balloons popping]

- [sighs] - Mom! I knew you'd save us.

[scoffs] I'm your mom.

I could lift a car if it meant getting to my babies.

Also, you know the walls are made of balloons, right?

I used a safety pin.

[gasps] Is that my TV?!

Hide.

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

[♪ music fades out]

Just do it already. Give me my wisdom back.

Ooh, dunk it in my ear hole.

No. No one's dunking anything in your ear hole.

I have to be precise.

Boo.

Is there a spell to put him to sleep?

- Good idea. - Pfft!

You can't put the J-Man to s...

[snoring]

Okay, let's do this.

[♪ ethereal instrumental music plays]

- You have to put that in his head. - I know, Winter.

- This reminds me of that game, Dr. Shock-- - I know, Winter.

- You're really bad at that game. - I know, Winter!

You want to hold the wand, and I'll do the play-by-play?

Sorry.

Okay, just the blue cup.

Almost got it.

[♪ music peaks, stops]

- Did it work? - Only one way to find out.

Hey Justin. Feel like going surfing?

Surfing? In Staten Island,

I don't even drink the tap water.

[chuckles softly] Oh yeah, he's back.

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

Cowabunga, dudes!

[♪ music fades out]

Awesome! I'm gonna start saying cowabunga.

Please don't.

I can't believe you went surfing.

- I can, my back's killing me. - Aw.

I just lost a tooth.

I can't wait for the tooth fairy to come.

I wouldn't hold your breath.

Are we not gonna talk about how hot your dad looks in a wetsuit?

- Ugh! - [Roman] Get a room!

- [♪ instrumental rock sting] - [inaudible]