Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

[whooshing]

[upbeat music playing]

Okay, here goes.

I'm Justine Alice Parker.

I live at 58, Zealand Road.

I've got 18 pairs of knickers, 14 pairs of shoes,

not including trainers.

-[camera clicks] -I'm an Aries.

I'm a vegetarian.

Sort of.

And I'm a virgin.

-[camera clicks] -Sounds so terminal, doesn't it?

"Virgin."

So, I've got to make a choice.

I've got to choose a bloke to, you know, do it with.

But, like, how do I know which one?

-[camera clicks] -If only blokes had barcodes, it would be so easy.

You'd look at a guy with your laser eyes, scan his little black lines,

and, boing, barcode tells you everything.

Otherwise, how do you know which is Mr. Right bloke?

-[camera clicks] -The big question.

[camera clicking]

[laughing]

Gender-wise, being a girl is the best. No contest.

The wardrobe opportunities are endless.

Girl mates can make you laugh till your socks get wet.

I mean, blokes, what are they all about?

Men are a mystery. Like real lifeX-Files.

All that testosterone-y stuff.

They act like ever-growing infants most of the time.

[laughing]

Not like us. We're totally more evolved.

Fran knows everything about men.

She's going to do a PhD in psychology.

Two fruit bars, please.

Fran says there is a Mr. Right,

-one guy who's just, like, it. The one, it's predestined. -[both laughing]

Like those VideoPlus numbers in the TV Times,

you type in this really long number,

and boing, the machine knows the very second to switch on.

It's like that with blokes. Meet the right one,

and boing, the lost jigsaw piece is found.

Suddenly, everything's yummy. Dogs bark, bees buzz,

and the world has switched to permanent chill.

[music stops]

-[workout music playing] -If you're right and there's no point in doing it

unless it's with Mr. Barcode Jigsaw Piece,

then I run the risk of never doing it. [grunting]

I can be the world's first 104-year-old virgin.

You only lose your virginity once.

So, you want to do it right, right?

You want to be able to look back when you're ancient

and think, you know, warm stuff about the night you lost it.

Not, "Oh, shit. Why did I do it with that creep?"

-[Justine grunts] -[man] What?

We've only been going out for, like, two hours and 24 minutes?

-Are you frigid? -No.

-Lesbian? -No.

-[zipper rasps] -Well, you know what to do with this then.

[Justine scoffs]

-[tire screeches] -[Justine] I mean, I don't want much.

Just a bit of romance.

Ciao, Ice Woman.

[Justine] No. Bollocks. Strike that. I want a lot of romance. Loads.

I want the whole works. I want Mr. Right Bloke to come along,

sweep me off my perfect size-fives and whisk me away

in a magic carpet ride of love and romance.

I want a moonlit serenade.

I want to look up at a blanket of stars and hear soft words in my ear.

I want to be flown head-on into a massive swirling vortex of emotion.

Such a great word, isn't it? "Vortex."

-[dance music playing] -You zapped his barcode

and it registered, "No sale." No sweat.

You don't win the lottery unless you scratch a few cards.

Maybe he's right. Maybe there is something wrong.

I'm a 17-year-old virgin.

It's so much easier if you're a bloke,

just orbiting the Earth like a lunar module,

looking for a docking.

Maybe I should be more like Hoover, more willing.

Sure. Strap a mattress to your back and call yourself "futon."

[both giggle]

[chattering indistinctly]

[Justine] Isabelle Jasmine Clarkson, also known as "Shake and Vac,"

or simply, "The Hoover."

[man] Oh, my God.

[Justine] Isabelle may not be the sharpest tool in the shed,

but what she missed out on brains, she made up in hormones.

She grew breasts at nine.

She's a walking, talking, hip-swishing man magnet.

No man has ever said no to Hoover.

Her technique, to give them exactly what they want and then some.

[man] Oh, my God!

[whistle blows]

[Justine] Number 14.

Oh, my God. Yeah, Alex thingy.

Thorne. Sex on two legs.

Age 17, 5'10". Virgo. Omnivore.

Half owns a Volkswagen with elder brother, Mark.

Excuse me.

But he's, like, big league totty.

I can't just walk up and say, "Give me your love, baby."

We need a strategy.

-[Justine] I know him. -Who?

Anorak man?

[Justine] Chas Lovett. Went to juniors together.

His mom knows my mom.

He owns several anoraks.

Chas Lovett,

-your time has come. -[girls chuckle]

[Frank] I'm in two minds, see, to go techno, new millennium,

or play safe with oldie-woldie.

Then, of course, there's undersea.

I'm having this big Jacques-Cousteau- memorial notion.

What is that?

[Justine] Chas Lovett. Sadder than the sad people from Sad City.

Mom, Jackie, into country and western.

Just delivering it.

Stepdad, Frank, part-time inventor and carnival float designer,

I won't have it under my roof.

You could keep it in the shed, mate.

[Jackie] Masturbation, particularly during adolescence I can understand,

-condone even. -You can damage your boy, talking like that.

Greatest fear of living men,

prospect of your mother knowing you enjoy the odd Jodrell.

[Justine] Not quite dork, not quite nerd.

Nerdish. Into computers.

But sad. Surfs the inter-thing and listens to Morrissey.

Very sad.

Does a paper round. Too sad.

Hi, Chas.

[Chas] Hi, Justine.

Right. Sit down. Take the weight off your wigglers.

Here's what we want you to do.

-[Chas] The Virtual Reality Expo's not nerdy at all. -[man grunts]

It's something you'd get off on, really.

There's all stuff you can do.

Simulated motor racing, simulated airplane dogfighting,

-virtual reality kickboxing. -[Alex] Just stand over there.

Don't want these foxes to think we're together.

Simulated Tour de France, windsurfing, clay pigeon shooting,

I think there's even a sex machine.

-I know one's being developed by a Swiss team. -A real sex machine?

-Where you get inside, they plug you in and... -Yeah, yeah, I think so.

Well, get me a ticket.

Oi, Chas, lend us your bike.

I can't. I need it to get to college.

Apparently, they've invented a sex machine.

Reckon it's gonna make men obsolete.

So, if you want to grab yourselves

some old style rumpo before it goes out of fashion...

[car creaking]

[Justine] Dad, why does it keep doing this?

Okay, okay. Start again. Now, remember the sequence.

I've worked out a way to remember.

Isabelle Clarkson Gives Head Between Maths Revision Seminars.

Ignition, clutch, gear, hand-brake,

mix revs, and steering.

Isabelle gives what?

-Um... -Look out!

-[tires screech] -[girl] Stop!

Geeky sounding guy just called, says Saturday's fixed.

Oh, yes!

Hey. Hey, where are you going?

Hey, Justine, come back!

I'll drive. I can do it.

-She's useless. -Lucy, get out.

[Justine] What am I gonna wear? What am I gonna wear?

[man] Stop it! Stop! Stop, Lucy! Stop the car! Look out!

[in droning voice] My body is my temple.

[in droning voice] My aura is all positive.

My aura is all positive.

My face is my portal.

My face is...

[regular voice] I'm not happy with my feet.

Hmm. I don't know.

Maybe.

[grunts]

What is it, special occasion or date?

-Date. -You want heels.

-Yeah? -You want heels. You want tilt.

Mmm, I don't know.

Statistics show heels score, on average, 48% more than flats.

It's to do with calves.

A man is a wild animal, right? Inside.

Back in time, he was a hunter-gatherer.

So, he is triggered by instinct.

Taut calves equals fleeing beast.

Fleeing beast triggers desire to pursue.

-He chases taut calves. -Yeah?

Believe me, even if you don't buy heels, you wanna do calf raises.

Fifty at a time, you'll be killer.

[Justine] Mmm. Smell that.

-It's gorgeous. -Perfume is a waste of time.

But what about pheromones? Sense stimulation?

Yeah? How much have you spent on perfume in your entire life?

I don't know, £100, maybe £200.

Mmm. And how many guys have ever said,

"Oh, Justine, you smell wonderful"?

-None. -I rest my case.

[Justine] Big question, with Alex.

The first kiss, the very first. Tongue or no tongue?

Hmm. Big question.

Mmm. Mouth open or closed?

-A bit open. -It's either open or it's not.

[sighs] See, closed is just too... cat's bottom.

-Open. -Open is scary.

It's like I'm going to eat him.

-Later, honey. -[giggles]

[alarm ringing]

Hi, Alex. I'm Justine, Chas's friend.

Hi, Alex. I'm Chas's friend, Justine.

Alex. Ah, good to meet you. I'm Justine.

-Chas. -Alex blew us out.

Why?

Got a date with Hoover.

Hoover?

Bitch.

[girls grunting]

I can't stand it. It's all so...

Hello, darling.

No. No, this is not on.

You can't just do that.

You want to attract a member of the opposite sex,

you have to work at it.

You have to plan, scheme, shop,

spend, pamper, preen.

You don't just stand in the hole with your ass hanging out,

and go, "Hello, darling."

It's not fair!

You know what, love? Your legs will make a lovely scarf.

[both laugh]

[Justine] I can hardly walk. My calves are bloody murder.

You should have worn trainers.

...smart cards for future events.

-Hi. -Hello.

If you could fill in the index, the address details go on smart cards for future events.

[man 1] Hey, look at these. Excellent.

[man 2] This is the Virtual Beetle.

Ooh. This is amazing.

[people chattering indistinctly]

[tires screeching]

[Chas] Helicharmers. Oh, we'll come back for this.

[Justine] Oh, I'm so bored.

[computer trilling]

Mind the hair.

[Chas laughs]

[electronic voice] Your pod is locked and loaded

for warp thrust expulsion into battle zone.

Now what? Am I supposed to press anything or what?

[siren blaring]

[Justine screams]

[electronic voice] Three, two, one.

Today's mission is a dangerous one.

Immediate bank to avoid collision.

[Justine] Oh, shit!

[electronic voice] You now have total manual control.

All systems are in your control, Captain.

Captain?

[electronic voice] Beware. Hostile bandits have laser lock on you.

Take immediate evasive action.

Heat seeking lasers have lock-on. Repeat, lock-on.

-Evasive action essential. -[grunts]

Yes!

Hey, you were brilliant.

-How did you fly through those bridge spans? -[Justine groans]

If we start queuing now, we might get on Shark Attack.

I'm gonna take my shoes off, have a drink,

and then, I'm gonna be sick.

Miss, miss. If you don't mind my saying, you look radiant. A vision.

Maybe you'd like to be blond or redhead...

-Dye isn't going to solve anything. -Or have higher cheekbones,

bigger teeth, larger eyes, fuller breasts.

-Hey! -Maybe you'd like a button nose.

-[Justine] Maybe you'd like a punch in yours. -[chuckles]

Let me introduce you to Narcissus 1,

the complete three-dimensional makeover machine.

By using Pentium in-line interface bi-conductive server strands,

Narcissus can recreate spectrographic imagery

-with which you can voluntarily... -Shut up, Monica.

Look, love, press that and it does that.

-[computer] Blond. -[Justine chuckles] Cool.

-Enjoy. -[computer] Door closing.

We'll just cut the techno-crap.

Punters don't care that you're the computer world's answer to Anita Roddick.

-[computer beeping] -Punters only think two things.

What can it do for me? How much does it cost? Yes?

Miss. Miss, may I say you're looking divine.

[computer] Scanning profile. Please, stand still.

Place on the visor.

Welcome to Narcissus,

where all your image dreams can come true.

Which feature would you like to alter?

Oh.

[computer] Ears, eyes, nose, lips.

Hmm...

-Lips. -Lips.

Hmm.

Voluptuous.

Nose.

Button.

Resize selected.

[Justine giggles]

Hmm.

[dance music playing]

♪ I've noticed you around ♪

-Madam. -[computer] Male.

Body toning selected.

[computer] Resize selected.

Oi, there. Clock this.

-Hello darling, all right? -Hello, sweetheart.

[pipe hisses]

[computer] Rugged.

Blue.

Ears. Butt.

Cute. Blond.

♪ I find you very attractive ♪

[computer] Photoreal.

♪ Would you go to bed with me? ♪

[whistles]

God, you're beautiful.

Four fifty, sir.

[computer] Save? Delete? Copy?

Delete or copy?

Thank you very much.

-[Justine] Copy. -[computer] Copy.

[screams]

[objects crashing]

[man breathing heavily]

[people clamoring indistinctly]

Wait, wait.

-[man] Move along, move along, there's trucks coming through. -[siren blaring]

Now, come on, move straight down the street.

Get out of the way. Come on now.

[man] Chas.

Chas!

[siren wailing]

Chas.

What?

[man] Chas!

Chas, what are you...

Get away. Get off, pervert.

[man groans]

Shit.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

[Chas grunts]

[man] Chas?

Keep away from me, pervert.

You want my money? Take it.

Chas, it's me.

Justine.

Look.

What have you done with her, you bastard?

It is me, Justine!

[sputters] I went into a machine.

Look, just... put the spade down.

-[groans] -[dog barking]

Jesus, will you stop doing that?

-Help! Help! -Chas, listen.

I'm Justine Alice Parker.

I live at 58 Zealand Road.

Little sister, Lucy. Mom, Marion. Dad, David.

My best friend's Fran. Johnny Depp, dream date.

I've got 18 pairs of knickers, 14 pairs of shoes, not including trainers.

We went to Chisenhale Primary School together,

and you stuck a drinking straw down your willie when you were six,

and Nurse Stevens had to get it out, remember?

You do a paper round, which, by the way,

is a very sad thing for a 17-year-old to do.

And your mom used to send you to primary

with a brown rice and tofu lunchbox.

You started to build your own bean curd mountain

behind the radiator in Blue Class,

until you got discovered by Ms. French

and Rentokil.

Enough?

What machine?

Narcissus something.

-[Frank] If he's gay, how come he supports Arsenal? -[mellow song playing softly]

If he's gay, why doesn't he have gay friends?

Still, he hangs out with that a-hole, Alex.

A mother's worst nightmare.

Don't kid yourself.

We don't know who he sees out there.

-[Chas] What am I gonna tell my mom? -What am I gonna tell mine?

Please, just till it gets sorted.

I'm just gonna hang this out.

Oh, and I just say, "Hey, Mom, I want this guy who dresses like Bjork on acid

and has serious gender problems to snuggle down in my top bunk"?

Do you, dear?

Oh. Hello, Mrs. Lovett.

I'm, um...

Jake.

Do you support Arsenal?

Thirty people have been treated for minor injuries.

after the gas explosion here at Earl's Court.

Electronic equipment from the expo has been severely damaged.

The cost could run into millions...

With no machine, how am I gonna change back?

Does this wear off? I mean, does it have a lifespan?

Can I ask you a question?

What?

Who was milk monitor before you in Ms. French's class?

You still think this is a joke?

This could be killing me.

Suddenly, I've got thighs like Linford Christie,

and bulges in places I didn't even have places.

And you think this is all some trick?

Trina Salmon, okay?

[sighs] Okay.

-Otherwise known as Niffy. -[laughs]

You have to admit, this is weird.

I'm in such deep shit. I mean, look, what am I gonna tell my mom?

Or Fran.

Still, one thing I will say. But I'm not at all happy about this.

[exclaims]

I didn't do bad, did I?

I mean, if I met me, and I wasn't me,

I'd be like, "Yes!"

I smell.

It's sweat, but it's kind of... I don't know...

Yummy.

[gasps]

Wow.

Oh, my God.

[slapping]

[chuckles]

[humming]

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

[door squeaking]

[grunts] Oh, shit, shit, shit.

I spoke to Fran. Said you wouldn't be back.

Didn't seem worried at all.

And I've trawled the net. No listing anywhere for a Narcissus.

What's the matter?

Have you got any self-help books on the male anatomy?

What?

Nothing. No, nothing.

Got any clothes I can borrow?

Yeah.

Oh.

Oh, is that your real dad?

Yeah. He died when I was five.

Oh, he looks a laugh.

You ought to polish this silver frame, though.

It's a shame to let it get in this state. It's lovely.

How do guys cross their legs?

[chuckles] They don't much.

It's weird stuff, all that... tackle, isn't it?

Yours is all...

Well, you know, normal?

Yeah, I think so.

-Do you want to have a look? -No.

God.

Could I... Can I see yours?

You know, just so I can compare.

I guess not.

-Ever measured yours? -Please.

I'm just curious, you know. I mean, you read such a lot

about guys being obsessed by size and everything,

and I just thought... Well, looking at it...

Believe me, I'm no expert or anything,

but, looking at it, it seems kind of... Well, it looks kind of...

Well, big.

Yeah.

I'm going to bed.

You ever have sex with a girl?

-Sure. -Who?

Oh, you wouldn't know her.

Them.

[Jake] What's it like?

I'm going to sleep.

[rubbing rapidly and grunting]

[Jake grunts]

[blows air]

Never mind, Mon, you can mend it.

A couple of months bent over a soldering iron, soon put that right.

Anyway, it's not like your social calendar's exactly groaning, is it?

But he looked perfectly normal? Went in a girl, came out a man?

Clothes were ripped, of course. But the body looked intact.

His wedding tackle... Did that look normal?

Half the executive dining hall just landed on me.

People were stomping on my head.

The chances of checking his genitalia...

You're a genius, Mon. Do you know that?

Ugly as shit.

But a genius.

His new friend spends an awful long time in the bathroom.

So? He's a bloke who takes care of his appearance.

Just because he likes a bubble bath or two, doesn't make him...

I couldn't borrow a hair dryer, could I?

Of course.

[sighs]

[upbeat song playing]

♪ Whatever happened To our dreams, girl? ♪

♪ Whatever happened To our goals? ♪

♪ Whatever came Of aspiration? ♪

♪ Oh, we let it go And it grew old ♪

Sorry, I've got no money.

Bye.

Dazzler.

Taylor.

-Knobhead. -[laughs]

[Alex] Spriggs.

Giblet.

-Carter. -Sergeant Major.

We don't want mutoid. You have him.

Nah. We don't want him.

Unless we're gonna have his girlfriend, too.

[boys cackling and chattering indistinctly]

Basketball's like netball, right?

-Well... -[whooshing]

[grunts]

Oi, smeghead. What are you waiting for, puberty?

Dribble it, you freaking girl.

[cheering]

[players chattering indistinctly]

Did you see Hoover?

What's that about?

Are you all right?

[sighs] I'm such a sad case.

I mean, look at you.

You're a girl. You've been a bloke less than 24 hours,

and you're more one of the lads than I am.

Already top jock and Hoover's got the hots for you.

[Jake] Hoover's got the... Really? You think so?

Shit.

[chattering indistinctly]

I can't go in there.

-Can I? -You've got to change.

God.

Wait till I tell Fran.

Once her mom's gone to bed,

dim lights, R Kelly, and out with her old man's Malibu.

Eh? Bung a few of those down our necks and...

[boys exclaiming]

Jesus, would you look at Carter's?

-Don't point. -Yeah, but he's got no...

The inside's showing.

He's been circumcised.

Poor bastard.

You want to avoid trouble, don't look, don't point,

and don't say anything about other blokes' bits.

Oi, maggot dick!

[boys exclaim]

-What's all that about? -Nothing.

No, come on. What?

Alex's greatest pleasure in life is,

A, making out he's hung like a donkey,

and B, publicly humiliating anyone who's not.

-And you're... -I'm a late developer, all right?

Anyway, size doesn't matter. You should know that.

And often, it's an optical aberration. Some just look big.

Alex's isn't that much of a deal, is it?

You got a problem, princess?

[boys exclaiming]

Just a little bit of alcoholic lubrication,

and it was time to unleash the python.

-[boys cheer] -She couldn't resist it for a nanosecond.

All over me like chicken pox.

I'll tell you, they don't call her The Hoover for nothing.

[boys chanting] Hoover!

What goes down in the trouser department,

-apart from me? -[girls laugh]

Ever had a Jack Russell try to do it to your leg?

[girls groan]

I was a stallion.

-Hour after hour, pushing her further and further... -Go on, boy!

...till the very edge of ecstasy.

I'm like, "Sorry, did I miss something?"

And he's lying back,

basking in the glow of his sad little fantasy world.

Believe me,

-I've had more fun with a spin dryer. -[girls laugh]

There's a sort of glow a woman gets when she's totally satisfied.

Sort of looks drunk, intoxicated.

Eyes glazed with delight.

I felt sick, like I'd eaten a dodgy pork pie.

[girls groan]

I thought at least there'd be a police incident unit.

You know, like on Crime Stoppersor something.

There's not even a copper standing guard.

-You're going in? -I'm thinking about it.

Facing Mom's gonna be so weird.

-Tomorrow. Tomorrow night, maybe we could... -I can't tomorrow.

I'm babysitting, and Alex is coming round to watch videos.

Alex?

Yeah, he watches videos every Thursday when my folks are at Bonanza.

Someone's in my room.

[Chas] It could be your mom looking for clues.

No, it's more like Lucy scoping something from my wardrobe

-for her Private Dancer tour. -[chuckles]

Well?

I don't think I can face it. Mom will go nuts.

Can you imagine, "Hi, Mom. I'm back.

Oh, and by the way, I now shave twice a day,

and I've got nine inches of sausage stuck permanently down my pants."

Nine inches?

[Jake] Mmm.

Paradise, aren't they?

Secret's in the chili sauce.

-You've got it all over your mouth. -I'll do it.

-I'm going for a slash. -I'll come with you.

[Chas] Guys don't do this.

-[Jake] What? -Go to the bog together.

-[Jake] Girls do it all the time. -Precisely.

Next, you're gonna say they don't talk when they tinkle.

-They don't. -What, not at all?

Well, maybe if it's your mate.

Not that you'd go in with him.

If you bumped into him, you might. About football.

But you don't talk to strangers. Not midstream.

-Never. -Why?

Might get the wrong idea.

-What about looking? -Definitely not.

[scoffs] What, no queuing, no talking, no peeping?

You don't know what you're missing.

[upbeat music playing]

[music fades]

Hoover. I mean, Isabelle. Hi.

I need some information about a man.

[man 1 scoffs]

-[Jake shouting] -[man 2] Out of the way.

[taxi driver] Ha, you'd be lucky.

[man 3] Get a proper job!

Oi, son. What do you think you're doing?

Needs a good clean.

[chuckles] Don't be a nincompoop.

This is a council vehicle.

I ain't gonna pay you good money to clean it, am I?

Well, never mind. You can have this one on the house.

-[wiper squeaking] -[man] You know what, son?

Looking at your operation, I'd say you've got two major problems.

Location and motivation.

Come on, love, back it up, back it up!

[horn honking]

[horns blaring]

[tire squeals]

[man] Now, think of yourself as a midwife, right?

A pregnant woman comes into your delivery room.

Vulnerable, ripe. [chuckles]

She's nervous, anxious, weary.

Inside there is a tiny baby,

a fledgling.

Are you going to be the one to bring it out of the darkness and into the light?

-[wiper squeaking] -With every pass of your instrument,

you let rays flood into the life of this emerging infant.

You take away the darkness

and bring forth the light.

[driver] All right, mate. Lovely job.

[Jake] From the fruits of one man's fierce struggle against the elements

comes... gold.

-No word from anorak city? -Uh-uh.

I'm gonna have to see Fran tomorrow.

And Mom.

I'm surprised more people aren't worried.

Um, Frans' been asking after you.

She's obviously getting Fran-tic.

No, you. You-you. Not the other you. Not Justine.

Fran's been asking about Jake?

I think she's got a friend who wants to meet you.

She's bloody match-making?

I've gone missing and she's trying to line up the new me with some girl?

I wonder who.

[Jason] Just imagine the possibilities.

Sex-change operations without the snip.

No-knife cosmetic surgery. Reconstruct...

-Is that him? -[Monica] No.

Ours is taller, blond hair, much cuter.

More blokes should be like you.

Alex is such a wanker.

[Chas] He's a mate. Sort of.

[Jake] How can you say that? He treats you like shit.

You fancied him, remember?

Anyway, if he wasn't a mate, everyone would treat me like shit.

Breast implants, they'd become antiques.

Silicone shares would plummet.

All because we could build breasts.

Big breasts.

Huge breasts.

Just like that.

[squeaking]

[Alex] Would you believe it?

Sixty-eight inch tits.

They reckon she killed a bloke with them once.

Accidental like.

Oi, spaz, go nick some of Frank's vodka.

That's ridiculous.

I mean, look, they're just big bags of silicone jelly.

How can that be sexy?

You really are a bum bandit, aren't you, Jakey? Huh?

I bet you've never had your hands on a pair of real tits in your life.

You'd be surprised.

Oh, yeah. How many babes you got naked with, then?

-Lost count. -[scoffs]

You're full of shit.

You couldn't handle a real woman

if she came with the instructions printed on her ass.

And you couldn't find her G-spot with a map and a compass.

[Jake] Okay, then. So, tell me, Dr. Love,

-how many women have you actually... -Eighteen.

-All the way? -All the way. Down and dirty.

Done the business. Bosh.

Heh. I've even had Hoover.

Oh, congratulations. I hear she's starting her own newsletter.

[scoffs] Chas has never had any girl.

Not in real life, have you, Chas?

Of course, he says he has because no bloke over 12

is going to admit that he's a virgin.

[laughs] Me, I've had virgins, loads.

Done my share of cherry picking.

-Had that Fran. -Fran?

Mmm. [chuckles] And her mate. What's her name, Justine.

I had her, too.

Quiet ones are always the best.

First date, done her doggy style. [growls and laughs]

You don't know how close I came to making a major mistake.

Probably would have slept with Alex if he played his cards right.

Why do girls go for guys like Alex?

I guess we're just programmed...

I've never had a girlfriend, ever.

Not even kissed a girl. Not properly.

You've just got to keep zapping those barcodes.

[sighs]

Maybe I should try and be more like Alex.

No.

He gets girls. Lots of girls.

-I don't. -You're different.

You're a nice guy.

-Nice guys don't get laid. -Well...

-And I'm a geek. -Geeky's good. Geeky's very trendy.

Enormously cool guys spend a lot of money looking geeky.

-Jarvis Cocker. -There's cool-geeky, and there's geeky-geeky.

I'm only ever going to be geeky-geeky.

-Are you positive? -Without a shadow.

He is gorgeous.

Oh, he's perfect. Better than perfect.

He's ours.

[Monica] We're gonna need to talk to him.

We're going to need to kidnap him.

Oi, Jake!

-You're Jake, right? -Fran!

How do you know my name?

Oh.

I guessed. You're famous.

You're as beautiful as everyone says you are.

[chuckles] Look at you with the Hallmark tongue.

There's somebody here I want you to meet.

Oi, cock, these lights change, I may have to kill ya.

Go around, double back here.

[Jason] Okay. I stop, you get out, throw him in.

Simple. Operation Snatch.

I'm not sure.

I don't know if I can do this.

[Jason] Okay. Here's a little visionary motivation thing

for you to be thinking about.

You accidentally made lover boy.

There's no reason, once we've got the technology straight,

you couldn't, on purpose, make one for yourself.

Fran,

this is gonna sound weird, but there's something I've got to tell you.

Hmm?

It's about someone we both know.

-Yeah. -A mutual friend.

-It's just... -Hi.

-[Fran] Stop! -[tires screech]

[Jake grunts]

[Fran] Oh, no.

-[Jason] Go on, get out! Grab him! -They've killed him!

[Monica] Drive! Drive, you bloody idiot! Drive!

[Fran] Bastard!

[voice echoing] Is he okay?

Someone call an ambulance.

[Justine] It was instant, like an emotional cattle prod.

First sight, and my barcode went boing.

He's the one. He's my jigsaw piece.

If God gave me an Identi-kit, I couldn't build a better man.

Perfect. Makes my eggs ache.

I did tell you. Fran has an eye.

-[chuckles] -Are you family?

-Not yet. -Well, then, get out. No visitors.

[Fran scoffs]

[Chas] This is so amazing.

This is so bad. There's two of us.

-[Chas] There's two of you. -She didn't disappear. I didn't disappear.

I mean... So, who am I?

-What am I? -RIT.

Reality Interface Transference.

Whoa, it's incredible.

It doesn't happen.

-It's just a theory. -It's a nightmare.

I don't even know if I exist.

I'm not her changed into me. But am I a part of her?

Can I go back to being all of her?

Is she running around with a big piece missing?

Listen to me, I'm already calling her "her." She's me.

Now, she thinks I'm just a bloody barcode.

He's like Brad Pitt, Leonardo DiCaprio,

and that gorgeous goalie from Portugal rolled into one,

to the power of ten.

Chas, you've got to help me before those girls do something stupid.

-We need a plan. -Yeah.

Hey, spandex.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. -Red spandex.

-No, not red. Not red. -It's got to be red.

No way!

[man] Lovely ripe melons! Come and get your melons!

I have never known spandex to fail.

I mean, spandex never fails.

He's a Sagittarius, right?

So, according to this, he likes his women

bright, engaging, vivacious, curvaceous, and...

That's it.

What does that say to you?

He's desperate?

[Jake] She's, like, immune to rejection.

See, with a bloke, when he gets the slightest whiff of rejection,

then he's off, tail so far between his legs, he'll limp.

But a girl, it's like lighter fuel on a barbecue.

A girl's not going to take no for an answer

if she's sure that she and he are meant to be

because she knows he's not in touch with his feelings.

See, Justine thinks she knows more about me than I do.

[players chattering indistinctly]

[Jake] She doesn't even know that she is me.

Hoover's been asking after you.

Oh, Christ, this is horrible.

Yeah, right.

Two of the highest rated babes in modern history fancy you.

Must be murder.

What do you mean, two babes?

[Chas] Hoover and Justine.

Justine's a babe?

I'm a babe?

[man] Where's the bloody linesman?

[woman] White witchcraft can only be used for good.

If the man whose love you seek is meant for you,

white witchcraft can open his eyes.

-But if he's wrong... -He's right.

You'll need a lock of his hair, and a jar of his morning breath.

[upbeat dance music playing]

Lads' night out. I love it!

When are we gonna dance?

You know, you really should wear your hair back.

A blob of gel would make all the difference,

make your face look, I don't know, so much more...

-Don't do that. -Okay, okay, sorry.

Hey, Alex, when are we gonna dance?

[woman scoffs]

[Fran] I don't think his empty pint pot

is the same as a jar of his morning breath.

[Justine] I have every faith this will work.

I have every faith this will work.

Into a flame of beeswax and myrrh that burns in the oxygen of his breath.

Introduce strands of his hair,

and an image of myself crafted in rice paper.

[people cheering]

We just stand and drink all night?

We don't dance?

When the slow ones come on, then you can try and cop off.

Are you serious?

You ask a girl to dance, and she says no.

Just say you weren't really asking, you were only taking the piss.

Dancing, you get your hand on the ass of a girl,

if she don't move it, you're in, guaranteed.

Don't offer to buy her mates a drink.

They'll take advantage, order double Malibus, cost you a fortune.

Don't sing to the record.

Make sure she's facing away from her mates.

Try talking dirty.

Have a wank before you dance, else you'll get a stiffy.

This can work straight away or there can be a time trigger factor.

Look, it's working.

Go on, get in there, girl, while he's under the influence.

Ask him to dance. Go on, get in there, girl.

Hi, Jake, you wanna dance?

[Jake moaning]

Sharon the sorceress said my power might confuse him.

And she also said that cat spittle was precious.

Look, I hate to be the one who has to tell you this,

but sooner or later, you've got to admit defeat.

Remember, you were going to wait for a guy to whisk you off on a magic carpet,

not go out and stalk one with bags of compost sewn into your knickers.

It's a very a rare type of leaf mold, actually.

[chuckles]

What is it about Hoover?

-Do you feel it when she looks at you? -She doesn't.

I had a lump in my throat, and then I felt my willie start to, you know...

It was like it had a life of its own. I could feel it pulsating.

Sharon said the dazed thing was a really good sign.

-You just rang Sharon? -Well, part of the deal is a mid-spell helpline.

-[gasps] -So, Sharon suggested a new chanting and potion package.

In all those years Hoover and I did nutritional science together,

you know, I just thought she was a pain.

I kept thinking of her as a real waste of space.

Now, I just keep thinking of her...

I keep thinking of her naked.

Jake's either gay, or else he's got the hots for Hoover.

She's certainly got the hots for him.

-Hoover has? -Mmm.

Nah, he's too classy to fall for her methods.

She just offered to show him the washing instructions on her duvet.

[chuckles]

He's way above all that.

[screams] No!

[melancholy music playing]

[whistle blows]

[whistle blows]

[all shouting and chattering indistinctly]

Oi, Alex, mate, there's a bird outside who wants to speak to you about me.

[shouting indistinctly]

[Alex] No girl's ever asked me how to cop off with another bloke before.

-Usually, they want to cop off with me. -I did.

I mean, I used to. Then, I met Jake.

Oh, he's a right poof.

He's going out with Hoover.

No.

I need to know what she's got I haven't.

Jake's going out with Hoover?

Bastard.

Why can she get any bloke?

Who, Hoover?

Well, she's the Sierra Cosworth of babes, isn't she?

High performance, great handling,

universally recognized as a goer of the first order.

She's got pedigree.

So, what, he thinks that Hoover makes him look good?

Yeah, for sure. Mister-Lover-Lover- Stud-You-Like.

And me?

Rumor has it, you're not out of the box yet.

What rumor? Has Jake ever talked about me?

Did Jake say that he thought that I was virgin?

Well, I wouldn't like to say exactly what he said, you know.

Code of honor and all that.

Do you think he'd fancy me if I wasn't a virgin?

Well, basically, it would depend on who you've done it with.

You'd have to have done the deed with a bloke who had pedigree himself.

A bloke with caliber.

Go on, son, knob it.

-[dildo whirring] -Oh!

Sorry.

Pina colada, passion fruit, banana, Swiss chocolate,

rum n' raisin, smokey bacon...

[groans] Smokey bacon?

[gasps] God. What are you doing here?

-What are you? -Oh, like it's any of your business.

I just thought you should be aware the whole sixth form, most of the lower school,

Newsroom South East know you're planning to sleep with Alex.

Why should I be the only one without a sex life?

-But with Alex? -I thought he was your hero.

I thought he was a big, big mate.

[mimicking Alex] Good man, Chas. Yeah, good man. Yeah.

Justine, it's just something you shouldn't rush into.

[chuckles] Well, by all accounts, you certainly haven't.

You should take some time to think about it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've heard the speech a trillion times

from my mom, from Fran, the whole Moral Majority conspiracy.

"You don't want to look back and regret it.

Save it for someone special." Blah, blah, blah.

If I listen to you lot, I'll end up on Ricki Lake

in the "I waited so long it grew over" show.

So, super stud,

[gasps] I think I fancy a French tickler.

-And a lube tube. -Justine.

I know this is just some sort of reaction thing to Jake.

Jake. As far as I'm concerned, that boy's history.

What I need now is a nurse's uniform,

some handcuffs, and a cock ring.

-Blimey, what's a cock ring? -Justine...

-Some lemon meringue nipple arouser. -Justine.

Jake is you.

-[scoffs] -You invented him.

He's your perfect man, remember?

Remember the expo you went to with me?

Oh, God. God, those awful machines.

Those anoraks. A sea of little anoraks.

Remember the Narcissus machine?

[scoffs] No, I don't.

-Sad boy stuff. -You went into a machine, designed your perfect man,

then something went wrong.

Look, what I do with my body is my business, okay?

Just bug off!

Something went wrong with the machine.

A bit of you broke off and got stuck inside.

-Not something you brought here, I trust? -What?

Justine, I know you remember.

I know this isn't you.

We offer a free gift for every purchase over £20.

Your choices are a nipple piercing voucher or a marzipan muff glove.

This bloody is me. You know nothing. You don't know me.

I'll make it the muff glove, then.

Justine, what's happened to you is called Reality Interface Transference.

-Theoretically, the pixelated... -Oi, shut up! I'm sick of it.

I'm sick of your pathetic Star Trekfantasy shit!

Grow up, for Christ's sake.

Even if you just enter adolescence, that would be a start.

It doesn't matter what you say to me.

All that matters is you don't go and do something you regret.

Why should I listen to you? I've made up my mind.

Chas, look around you. Everybody's growing up. It's scary, I know.

It's even more scary when it's not happening to you.

Don't try and hold everyone else back.

Look at yourself, Chas. Your anorak, your stupid computer games.

I mean, what woman is ever going to want to sleep with you, huh?

With Alex? Bad choice.

Bad choice? That's it?

Calm down. Don't get so worked up.

I know Justine, remember?

She won't go through with it. Her standards are way too high.

She wants wooing, the whole magic carpet treatment.

Alex isn't up for all that.

So why has she just bought £40's worth of condoms and sex toys?

She's desperate, wants to make you jealous.

Thinks shagging Alex will make you want her.

-Dumb plan. -Yeah.

Well, I've had it with you two, both of you.

Now I wash my hands of it all.

If she wants to shag Alex, she's welcome.

We've got to stop her.

You've got to stop her.

Somewhere inside, you are her.

You've got to know how to stop her.

[melancholy music playing]

♪ It's dark in here ♪

♪ Visions are flashing into my head ♪

♪ As I reminisce my reoccurring dreams ♪

♪ And you said, "I'm falling, falling for you babe ♪

♪ My feelings are getting stronger" ♪

♪ So why don't you stay with me for a little longer ♪

♪ Come here boy ♪

♪ Come here boy ♪

♪ Come here boy ♪

♪ Come here boy ♪

♪ I know that my face ♪

♪ Is only too familiar to your sleep ♪

♪ I can see it in your eyes ♪

♪ And I can tell by your body heat ♪

♪ Why are you taking so long? ♪

♪ You need me to come and find you, honey? ♪

♪ Set your mind at rest ♪

♪ Let your dreams run free ♪

Jake...

♪ Come here boy ♪

♪ Come here boy ♪

♪ Come here boy ♪

♪ Come here boy ♪

♪ Come here boy ♪

♪ Come here boy ♪

♪ Come here boy ♪

♪ Come here boy ♪

♪ Come here boy ♪

[TV reporter] Well, a Liverpool scientist believes that

a woman is at her most alluring when she's most fertile.

♪ Come here boy ♪

[doorbell buzzing]

[Lucy] Justine! It's Alex!

Hubba, hubba.

Topmost totty.

[upbeat romantic music playing]

[laughs]

♪ I'm your private dancer Dancer for money ♪

♪ I'll do what you want me to ♪

[gasps] Wow.

This is the most romantic night of my entire life.

It's so perfect.

-I know. -What?

It's too perfect, isn't it?

Every detail's too good.

No, no, it's magnificent. You're magnificent.

It's just weird, that's all.

-It's like you've read my mind. -Read my mind.

-[chuckles] -I have.

-It's like, you know everything I'm thinking. -Everything I'm thinking.

[both] Even before I've thought it.

[inhales and exhales forcefully]

It's like you've...

[both] Been inside my head and taken notes.

Who are you?

Justine, it's okay.

It's no big deal.

It's weird, but it's okay.

It's like what Chas was trying to tell you

before you scythed through his fragile manhood.

I am you.

You invented me.

I was trying not to hurt you.

I didn't know what to do. I mean...

Well, how do you tell someone something like that?

Oh, this is great. This is so great.

[sighs] At last, I think I'm getting somewhere.

The man of my dreams starts acting like one, and then...

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!

Then, he goes and tells me he's a product of my imagination.

[both scream]

[Justine] Shit!

[reel whirring]

Jake!

-[tires screech] -[van revs]

Where is he?

What's this?

An identity tag off a computer arcade machine.

Who's Narcissus?

The wrong answer could cost you the prospect of fatherhood!

An electronics company who manufacture a cosmetic makeover machine.

Makeover?

What you said about me creating Jake was true?

Far as I know, yes.

You mean that Jake...

That thing is running around with me... With my...

My what, my soul inside him?

[man chattering indistinctly on TV]

[Justine muffled] This is all a plot, isn't it?

You and your computer freak friends get some sort of sick pleasure

out of making me feel like Sigourney Weaver,

like some alien's about to come bursting out my bum.

I was gagging for him.

I really thought he was my...

I could have... I would have...

[groans] If I had, it would have been, like, the worst sort of incest,

-It would have been... -Look, we'll find the Narcissus people.

-Then, we'll take Jake around to them and... -They've already got him.

[Jason] I thought we were just going to ask him a few questions,

do a test or two.

There may not be time. He could decompose, dematerialize. Who knows?

What's that?

Dihydrothriptamazine. Subconscious paint stripper.

We need to understand how he's bolted together

if we're ever to recreate the process.

It won't do any damage, will it? Upstairs?

[sighs]

Science can be cruel.

But we need to assess how much female is left in his memory.

Though, to be honest,

it's not his brain I'm interested in.

[squeals]

[screams]

-[gasps] Shit. -What?

What's happening to me?

I'll get it sorted.

I promise.

-[keyboard clacking] -I'm sorry what I said about you.

I mean, stuff about...

You know, no woman ever...

I'll boot up and input the serial number.

[keyboard clacking]

-I didn't mean it. -[computer beeping]

I was just...

Once we've got the number match, we'll get an address.

Can I have a hug?

What?

Doesn't matter.

She's been up there a long time.

It's gone very quiet.

He's got a girl in his room.

With a bag, a sack of condoms.

-Flavored ones. -[both laugh]

[computer trilling and beeping]

[grunts]

[Monica] The obvious parts of his body that are not female

may or may not function normally in a male sense.

Well, how are you gonna test that?

[sighs] Electrical impulses of varying voltage.

-[groans and screams] -[Justine screams]

[Chas whimpering]

Another spasm?

Jesus. God. Shit!

Shit! That felt like... That was like... Someone...

That's their van!

You know, this is already trespass with intent.

We could be in a lot of trouble.

-[people cheering nearby] -[Justine shushes]

[Jake groaning]

[Monica] The images show he has a recurring dream

about being a female warrior called Marlin.

[Jason] This is epic. We are so in the big time.

[Monica] There's some pretty weird stuff about a pony.

[horse neighing]

[Justine] Christ, what are they doing to him?

To me.

I'll make a diversion.

You climb down the rope and get him to the car.

I'm the school nerd, remember?

People make fun of my clothes.

Okay. Can you make a diversion?

Um, all right, all right.

[grunting]

[car alarm blaring]

[Jason] Shit.

Wow! Nice diversion, Chas.

Oh, man.

-[Jason] Who's that? -The little maggot.

Ah-ha!

-[electricity crackles] -[Jake grunts]

[Jake grunting]

[Jake] Those lovely horses...

-[Chas] What's the matter with him? -Totally off his face!

Okay. Okay. Keep calm.

Isabelle Clarkson Gives Head Between Maths Revision Seminars.

Ignition, clutch, gear, hand-brake...

[screaming]

[Jason grunts]

Oops.

-[Jason screams and groans] -[squishing]

-[Chas] Gate, gate, gate, gate! -[Justine] I know.

Oops. [chuckles]

-I was a paramedic working on a helicopter rescue squad. -What's he on about?

[Jake] Brad Pitt was the pilot. We were maneuvering

-to touch down on the helipad of an oil rig. -What?

That's a dream. That's my dream.

Me and Brad in a 999-rescue chopper squad.

Oil from the rig erupted, and started to gush out all over the place.

This is so spooky.

Chas showed me his greenfly larvae under a microscope.

What?

You had a dream about me?

[Justine] Oh, shit!

You had a dream about me?

I was a zookeeper and Chas was a famous entomologist.

Whoa! Maybe I should drive.

-Why? -It's bloke stuff. My coordination is better.

Bollocks.

You're scared of your dad's Volvo, remember?

Scared of bumping things.

[Chas yelps]

That was the old me. Bumping things is good.

Maybe we should have a frieze.

[Frank] Hmm.

Sorry, sorry.

I don't know how we're gonna get that machine into the house. It weighs a ton.

We're never gonna be able to lift it in.

Don't you think we should slow down?

We could slide it in.

-Slide? -Slide...

-Slow down. -Like this.

-[Chas screams] -[tires squealing]

[Frank] So, what do you reckon?

It's really lovely.

Congratulations, Ms. Parker. You have passed.

[Jake] Oh, my God, I was having the most amazing dream.

Where are we?

Where are my clothes? Why am I naked?

Oh, goodness, so you are. I hadn't noticed.

[Frank] Probably something for college.

[Jackie] Ooh, there's a bit broken off.

-Hello, love. -[Frank] You all right, Chas?

Mmm. Frank, any chance of borrowing your soldering iron?

Yes, of course.

Uh...

-Hello. -Hello.

-Hello. -Hi.

Hello.

Yeah, we've got a picture.

[Justine] I'm so bummed out. I thought I'd found the right one,

my barcode jigsaw piece.

Now I've got to start all over again.

God, girl. Will you give it a rest with the barcode crap?

I mean, who says there is a right one?

Books, films, poetry, history.

-Fran. -Fran? Jesus.

Look, being a bloke's a laugh-ish.

Though, God knows I wouldn't want to be one for long.

Being a girl who lives a doctrine according to Fran is insanity.

I think... I think it's ready.

-Are you sure you want to do this? -No, I'm not sure.

All I know is I'm a non-person. I don't exist.

I just wanna go back to being me before I forget what being me feels like.

I'm going to miss you.

Not necessarily.

Pull the lever, eagle.

[computer] Lips.

Voluptuous.

Nose. Button.

Male.

Body toning selected.

Resize selected.

Rugged.

Blue. Blond.

Photoreal.

All right. All you've got to do now is delete.

[Justine sighs]

[computer] Save? Delete? Copy?

Oh, hold on. This is madness.

You're the most gorgeous guy I've ever met.

And what? I'm just gonna stab a button and get rid of you?

This can't be right. Surely.

I created the most perfect looking guy.

You still don't get it, do you?

"Perfect looking guy."

There's no such thing as the perfect guy.

Jigsaw piece, barcode, any of that stuff.

It's all wrong.

And I'm only perfect because this is what you want me to look like.

You're not looking for a partner.

You're looking for an ego extension,

someone who meets all your criteria.

Now, push the button.

[whines]

It's taken me forever to find a bloke I can even just talk to talk to.

Talk to Chas.

I'm not a bloke, not inside.

I'm you, remember?

I like being you.

I just didn't know it at the time.

That has to be another way.

Chas, push the button, please.

I can't.

I'm on the wrong circuit.

This is crazy.

If I get rid of you, I'm right back where I started.

Exactly.

Only this time, you can be the Justine you want to be,

not the Justine you think you need to be.

-[squeaking noise plays] -[computer] Delete.

[sighs]

[melancholy music playing]

Come on, love, we ain't got time for you to hatch it.

[all cheer]

Can I sit down?

Oh, yeah.

So, how're you doing?

I'm fine. Fine.

-Yeah. No. Good. I'm good. -Good.

-And you? -Yeah, I'm good.

Well, no. Fine. [chuckles] Yeah, I'm fine.

Do you miss him?

Kind of. But I feel like he's still here. Do you know I mean?

That sounds stupid. It's just...

I feel stronger, different.

Yeah, me too.

-You know, I did. I just... -Oh, God. Um, look it's Fran.

All right. Yeah. I'd better get off anyway.

[both chuckle nervously]

Yeah, I just wanted to say... Well, it's mad, really.

It's just that when I'm near, when I see you, I really like...

-[bus bell dings] -No. This is so stupid.

I just really like the way you smell.

Hi. Hi.

What happened to his anorak?

I like the way you smell.

Can you believe anyone would say that?

When you grow up, don't ever, ever listen to your big brother.

He'll be the sad bastard everyone crosses the street to avoid.

[Jackie] We're off to Bonanza.

Don't keep her awake too long.

And if Alex has to come around, don't let him smoke Frank's cigars.

[Frank] Hey, love, have you got my spurs on?

It's Thursday. Oh, no. Alex.

[doorbell rings]

Hi. Alex couldn't make it.

Can I ask your opinion on something?

Yeah.

The question is,

mouth open or mouth closed?

What?

Now, that is lips slightly parted.

And this is mouth open.

I just want to know which one's best.

What was the first one again?

[Justine] Strange how a little female attention

can make all the difference to a bloke, no matter how geeky.

Didn't take any time before Chas did the caterpillar thing.

You know, shrugged off his ugly old cocoon

and blossomed into a beautiful butterfly.

Or is it a moth?

Anyway, with a bit of practice, Chas got really good at kissing.

In fact, that boy could snog for Europe. And he got a lot of practice.

We lasted five months, five great months.

After me, he practiced Rachel, and Sarah, then Louise.

He even practiced with slutty Tina.

[upbeat country song playing]

♪ I sent out to a datin' firm ♪

♪ And now I wait So I can learn ♪

♪ If they have What I'm looking for ♪

[Justine] Fran, bless her. She devoted her energies to falling hopelessly in love

with totally inappropriate, totally unavailable men.

[man whistles]

And Hoover...

[objects crashing]

Well, Hoover just goes on honing her craft.

As for Alex, now, there's a turner.

[Lucy singing indistinctly]

[Justine] Who'd have thought my little sister, Lucy, could tame the beast?

♪ ...what you want me to do ♪

And me?

Yeah, well, I did do it with Chas.

It was kind of about time, and it was good.

No. It was lovely.

I mean, I didn't find a mate for life or anything, but that's okay.

Would've been a bit boring if I had.

At least, though, when I look back,

I won't be thinking, "Oh, why did I do it with him?"

I'll be thinking,

"Chas. [clicks tongue] Oh, what a sweetheart!"

♪ I'm still waiting for love to arrive ♪

♪ The one with The smile in her eyes ♪

♪ The one with The smile in her eyes ♪

♪ The one with The smile in her eyes ♪