Original subtitles

[intro music]

[Frank] Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express.

Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives

they were given by him upstairs.

And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.

What sounds on earth could ever replace

kids needing money, or wives in your face?

Cos this, people reckon, and me included, is why pubs or drugs were kindly invented,

to calm us all down, stop going mental.

These are Chatsworth estate's basic essentials.

We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.

You shit on our head, but you pay the taxes.

[chuckles]

Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth's buccaneers,

who'll cum on your face for the price of a beer. Eh?

Make poverty history!

Cheaper drugs now!

Make poverty history! Cheaper drugs now!

[chuckles]

Scatter!

Party!

[Paddy] Photographs can do the total opposite of jogging your memory.

The second you press click, you sacrifice the right to recollections.

You can stare at a picture till doomsday,

but you won't smell smells, won't hear voices,

and all the rumpy-pumpy surrounding the snapshot.

They say the camera never lies.

Photos, though, maim any memory beyond their thin, white frames.

I wish I'd known this sooner.

[emotive music]

We did not endure the horrors of childbirth seven times

to populate this lonely planet!

And I did not work my fingers to the bone, both inside and outside,

putting food on our table,

nor zigzag through the most ham-fisted civil war in history,

to have to take it right up the shitter paying for these devil's dildos!

[mobile's buttons beeping]

You were on the phone with Auntie Mags for hours doing the crossword.

-Zambia won't be cheap, will it? -[Paddy growls]

Yeah, well, she's my sister, and I miss her.

And nobody should have to pay to speak to a fuckin' nun!

[window slams shut]

Not their fault you've not been invited.

-Zizzy's funeral. -[Paddy] Me?

At Zizzy Ahmed's funeral? Pfft.

Same Zizzy poached my slot-machines racket while I'm in the slammer? Hmm?

Same Zizzy Ahmed I lent ten grand to,

to pay for his wedding?

The cellmate who saved your life on the rotunda.

Now, dead... Zizzy.

[Paddy] Making him the second one.

Bam!

Gone.

[Mimi] Ring Sunita, ask her if you can go.

Can't. Don't know where my phone is.

Haven't got a suit black enough.

They're Indians.

You've the shirt we bought in Benidorm they'd love you for.

Plus, new rule, elbows off the table while the telly's on.

Starting Monday.

Right, everybody got, before I sit down for a bit of me time?

Fuck!

-What's up? -All three uni's offered full bursaries.

All three!

So, is that it?

Gonna Durham?

-When? -Nottingham, we decided.

Council house students on full bursary,

statistically, are more likely to die under the age of 25.

-Ian! That's horrible. -[chuckles]

[Ian] They're not used to the money, always waving it about,

Magnets for muggings.

So, the coursework nosedives, bus straight back to council-house heaven.

Why is that gonna kill anyone?

What, getting twatted from all the mates they left behind?

Different accents, and using big words?

[muffled] Well done, mate.

And you.

Come here.

You told me these were all rejections.

So, what? They changed their minds?

All three?

Or were you just bullshitting me?

Cos if you were, we need to talk about this,

cos I'm feeling a bit left out.

I wasn't gonna go if I didn't get the money.

-Which-- -I told him to.

-Me and all. -We all did.

[Lip] We're not struggling, just for my sake.

How clever is he then?

Tell your daddy how proud you are.

Clever Daddy.

[Debbie sniffles]

[Debbie crying]

Why are youz all crying?

It's what he wanted.

How, how does a guy not feel threatened by mortality

when he's lost two ex-closest friends and worst debtors

within the space of a month?

How could you?

-[doc clears throat] -[Paddy sobs, sniffles]

What I meant earlier was...

It, it's possible...

that you're in the throes of a depression--

What you said was dangerously offensive to a man of my constitution.

Depressed? For fuck's sake!

[stammers] I think what I meant was... a depression by proxy.

A pretend depression, if you will.

[Paddy] What kind of stuff's required to fix this little fucker, then, hey?

[doctor] Uh, anti-depressants.

[shakily] But, um... placebo-esque ones...

for pretend depression, by proxy.

[Paddy] Right you are.

[sighs happily] Thank you.

Truth being, Mrs Ahmed, I heard about your son

within a fortnight of Felix Fawcett's demise.

Bloke Zizzy, Ronnie and I shared a cell with.

Like Three Musketeers, we were, the four of us.

Me, Felix, as black as you like,

Ronnie Cohen, the only Jew castigated for making good money,

and your beautiful Zizzy. Hmm?

Nights on end, talking about...

[in Indian accent] finding the right girl he would marry.

Ah, all three so alike.

Uncannily alike, when it came to unpaid debts

and treading on my business toes.

No ill of the dead intended, Mrs. Ahmed, eh?

First among equals, your Zizzy.

Ergo... drowning with dignity in the privacy of his own bathroom.

Mmm?

-[Jamie, Karen laughing] -You're joking, aren't you?

-You can't seat my dad next to yours. -But we have to if your mum's not coming.

I'm hoping he's not coming, not if he brings that nutter he's seeing.

She looks like Chris Moyles in a jumpsuit.

Hey, listen, it doesn't really matter who comes, anyway.

No one's gonna be looking at anyone but the bride.

Especially me.

[Carol] Oi!

You're supposed to be doing the barrels.

Oh! Where am I sitting, then?

"Am I bovvered"?

Just put my name on your furniture when you split up.

Only, give me long enough to save a couple of hundred quid.

[both laughing]

[knocking at door]

[laughter, indistinct chatter from TV]

[TV suddenly stops]

[whispers] Sorry!

Not a chance without the remote, Carl.

You can reach the controls from here.

I watch telly in bed.

Another 20, and I'll find you a Sky dish,

and I'll get you to stick to reach the buttons.

Why the hurry?

[Carl] Please?

[sighs] All right.

One condition.

You make sure your mam hears about this.

You must tell her that I gave you double that.

I've stopped her pocket money cos Worzel kept cadging it off her.

I mean, I know he's your dad, but...

she must hate herself to let that bedridden fuck

anywhere near her.

Do us a favour in the meantime...

You say it loud and clear... Norma is doing up this van, splashing out.

What, this shit hole?

Well... She thinks I've stopped her spends because I'm skint.

But she needs showing that what's mine is hers.

But not until she puts that mongrel to sleep.

Spend it on a flat of your own.

I'm not budging from here until she leaves with me.

Which might not happen until I tidy my act up,

give her a reason to look at me twice.

Sorry, I... [sobbing]

Ta.

[Carl cries out]

[grunts, sighs]

[grunts]

[sighs]

Who would you tell first if you was in the shit?

Deep shit.

Running out of time, so you can't breathe properly?

Not long, you'll all be going,

"What the fuck happened to our Carl?"

"It's quiet without Lip,"

and then, "Anybody seen Carl?

"It's a lot... lot quieter.

You can't lend us 500 by Friday, can ya?

[sighs]

[Frank cries out]

What kind of shit did they mix this stuff with?

Go on, shift, make us a brew.

And stop frowning!

[girls singing "Ave Maria"] ♪ Ave dominus ♪

♪ Dominus Tecum ♪

♪ Benedicta tu in mulieribus ♪

♪ Et benedictus fructus ventris ♪

♪ Ventris tuae, Jesus ♪

♪ Ave ♪

♪ Maria ♪

Ah, if there's no place in heaven for youz lot when the time comes,

someone's getting a punch in the knickers from me.

Tell 'em I said so.

Whoops!

If you hadn't seen the state of them, they coulda been angels.

[Jamie] That's seriously the first time my hair's stood on end.

-Are you lot sisters? -We're all at Roswell.

Rehabilitation Offenders Showcase, down Wellington Road.

Well, in that case, you should be extra proud of yourselves.

Right, sizes, so the seamstress can cut the patterns out. Who's first?

Why didn't you tell me it had switched?

-Me mam told-- -Remember, outside Boots?

When I went, "Singers, Karen, change of plan.

Bad news for Angela here, she's been summoned to crown court."

And you went, "Is Angela the scraggy, ginger, deaf one?"

-Karen, you didn't? -And I said, "Yeah"...

-Dickhead. -[Karen] No!

"...but I think she'd prefer 'little red-headed stunner

with a hearing impairment'."

"We'd better shoot if we don't wanna miss the start again.

[Jamie] Keys, Mickey. And a lid for Karen.

Watch that throttle for sticking.

And it's running low on juice.

[Shane] Hey, I'd think twice before singing at his wedding.

This mug's a probation officer now.

Training to be.

[Shane] My brother, a probation officer? That's embarrassing.

Until one of us changes his mind.

Is it all right paying you next week for this gear?

Mam's cool about it.

Will you stop talking to me like a total stranger?

Just don't be caught retailing.

You see, you've been doing that for years. Reformed more scags than Longford.

Teaching dozy pricks how not to get caught

is economic imperative.

I can't operate franchises with the labour force in prison.

No comparison to the scale of defection you're contemplating.

I need you to know that I love you...

more than words could ever describe.

I'm sorry about your mate, Dad.

How humiliating, eh?

[tuts] Ignore me. Shut the door.

Behind you.

[Colin] A very warm welcome back to our third weekend

of your probation induction course at Anderton Lodge, of all places.

xxx

Well... oh...

Welcome back.

Particularly, special thanks to you wives, husbands, joining us now,

for dedicating time and effort, supporting your partners,

helping 'em back into the mainstream,

and more importantly, start putting something back into society,

using their first-hand, service-user experience to hopefully...

touch wood,

turn one or two skags from our beloved public housing sector

into responsible citizens and tax payers.

-Swallow that, you'll swallow anything. -[Karen unintelligible]

-[Jamie] Shut up! -Only messing.

-[Karen] ...believing it, didn't she? -[Jamie unintelligible]

-Reputation to uphold. -[Karen] I'm telling you, Jamie,

-your mam's got a big fucking screw loose. -Comedy Colin.

Uh... I am talking here, Mrs. Maguire.

Er, so am I, pal.

-[dance music playing loudly] -[cheering]

[indistinct chatter]

Ian!

Somebody after a pint of Tweezers.

No, it's a pint and two Es.

Two quid each, 2.50 after ten o'clock.

[Carol] It's me. Now that I am the captain of this little ship

while Jez is away on maternity,

with little baby Jason. Ah!

Who she incubated for profit, charging that young couple a fortune.

So, can people please stop passing cards to the bar staff for them to send on,

without stamps?

[singing] Sometimes, it's hard to be a woman

[speaking] Did I tell you, she had 18 stitches?

-[patrons exclaim] -Is that all?

[Carol singing] Giving all your love to just one man

Oh, God, shutting the shop down, or what?

Banging headache, shooting off.

Oh! But you came to see the hypnotist, he'll be on in a sec.

Yeah, he'll cure your headache.

Ooh. Regressed to a past life, Jacko with two dicks and one eye.

Aw. And I've just got you a drink in, don't be a giver-upper.

-You're twisting me arm like. -[Carol singing] ♪ Stand by your man ♪

♪ And tell the world you love him ♪

[Lillian] I think you're paying, Norma.

[Carol sings] ♪ ...and all the love you... ♪

Get that fucking clown off!

[Carol sings] ♪ Stand... by... your man ♪

[Frank] Moneypenny's off.

[cheering]

What if you weren't just tarting the van up to sit here waiting?

But, actually making it drivable,

as if any second now, you'll be setting off somewhere else,

somewhere brilliant.

Like America.

[crying, sniffles]

Well, it's not mine to drive off.

Exactly.

But if you give us a oner for the logbook, you can say you're driving through Texas.

Yours for a oner, but I'll need the money by Friday.

[owl hoots]

[murmuring]

-Get fucked. -Beg pardon.

Didn't mean you.

Mum!

[Monica sighs]

What's Norma doing the van up for to go to Texas?

If you're saying stupid stuff cos you're sleepwalking,

I'll have to fetch somebody else cos it freaks me out.

No, she is.

Texas. With that blonde bird with the big tits.

I see her sneaking in and out sometimes. She a mate of yours?

Probably.

[door shuts]

[Karen] Who've you been seeing at four in the morning?

-Finding a petrol station. -We filled up when we set off.

Not with rubbers...

chocolates,

and, uh, most importantly...

wrapping paper.

What is it?

The whole point of travelling miles was to keep you guessing a bit longer.

Go on.

[sighs happily] You don't do the rings yet, you knob.

This one's allowed any time.

-Eternity ring. -Wow!

I've never been known what eternity rings were meant to be for.

I know what the word means. You mad sometimes, you.

God, this is doing my head in.

Hey, hey.

[emotive music]

This... is yours.

From me.

For life.

For ever.

[emotive music fades out]

[Norma] Oh, man.

Thank you.

Mum! D'you mind?

D'you mind?

-Mum! -For fuck's sake, Carl, grow up.

And put some weight on.

-Carl? -What?

-[Ian] Carl! -Carl?

What?

D'you know what? You can all get fucked, eat shit, and die.

Cos I ain't gonna be here much longer.

I...

[Norma] Not that I'm bitching about your estimate,

cos, you know, I'm a great believer in "you get what you pay for".

It's just, you know, I'd expect it to be perfect for that price.

Have you seen this?

She's pending money like it's fuckin' water.

Is that all you ever think about? Money?

[stammers] Well, you said she was totally obsessed with ya.

Well, of course she is, it's as plain as day.

Right, well, just... just tell her that you need more proof,

enough to get us by till Friday.

-[Monica sighs] -Go on!

[Frank grunts]

[Frank] Just, come on... Just get out there and get some spends.

[Frank panting]

Now, look.

Where's your lipstick? Fuckin' turned into super nanny now.

[Mr. Cosy] I'm a fan of first impressions.

I'm telling you, Norma. This little home, I can turn it into a palace.

-[knocking] -Knock-knock. [giggles]

Heard voices. Just thought I'd check you weren't being burgled.

Monica, chick. We don't stare.

[Mr. Cosy] Something I learnt to get used to.

After 9/11, we are all potential terrorists.

[giggles]

Couldn't lend us 30, could ya? Get food for the kiddies?

-How many kids? -Six. Mostly underweight.

I'd hate to impose. Say if you're skint.

[upbeat music]

Top hat and tails?

On your way! I'd look like an overdressed undertaker.

If Karen's having a scarlet wedding dress,

you want summat a bit more cocky than formal.

I had to get wed in a turquoise twin set.

Top were turquoise, pants were purple.

I burnt all the photos.

The scarlet thing... That's just for the bridesmaids.

Bride and maid, you said.

I hope so. The fellow that got me this is on remand now.

The bride! In scarlet?

Rhyming with fuckin' harlot! Tell me somebody's taking the piss.

I wanna get married in white. Just white.

-It was your idea. -It wasn't, Mimi.

When?

-I meant, it was his idea. -Me?

I says to you:

"Our new Karen's gonna look fabulous in yards of white organza."

And you went quiet on account of white organza

reminding of you of less happy occasions.

Eye eee, what your dear mother insisted on wearing to be buried in.

-Yeah? -I told you that?

Etcetera.

Unless, of course, you never meant a bleeding word of it,

cos it's truer than he thinks.

Patrick Maguire can't hold his ale any more.

[all laughing]

Is that it?

Can this one manage without the doorbell on the big day?

Or is that gonna bugger up your descants?

[ear piercing scream]

Oh, bugger.

This isn't funny, Jamie.

It's pathetic.

Bunch of blokes letting her run rings round ya.

[Jamie sighs]

[Jamie] It's only a dress.

She won't let anybody think for themselves.

Because the family falls apart when they try to.

She's just a low rate, loudmouth drug dealer,

in a shitty little dump like this.

Charging over the odds, more than they can afford,

ripping people off, scaring people shitless,

till they hate her fuckin' guts.

[indistinct chatter]

What have you forked out for them?

You get what you pay for.

Right, you two, inside for your tea.

Chips again, I'm afraid, but that's all I can afford.

[scoffs]

Just have to hope my lucky numbers come up in the rollover draw.

-Where's the chips, then? -Nearly ready, just need peeling.

Carl!

[security guard] Oi!

-[radio crackles] -[security guard] Oi!

[Yvonne] I know it needs plugging in.

To do what?

I don't know exactly. But retails at 80.

Yours for 30,

-which is... -[Yvonne groans]

-Shit! -[Stan] Hiya, Yvonne.

Best price for a bottle of bubbly for a hard-working civil servant.

Uh, if you're not too snobby, I've got the Bosnian stuff.

Uh, tenner apiece or three for 30.

Wanna get silly and go for three?

[Tom] Three please, Yvonne.

[Yvonne] Somebody's birthday?

Somebody's death. Ron Cohen? As seen on TV.

Panorama, World In Action, the lot.

Most hard-faced landlord to walk this town.

Owns half of Chadwick Green.

[coppers laughing]

Monoxide poisoning from his own central heating! [chuckles]

Cheers, mate.

Where'd you get this?

Shit.

A customer left it.

When I tried pre-ordering, they said 12-week wait.

How much?

[Yvonne] Oh, well, they retail at over 90.

but if you join the Christmas club with 20 quid up front,

I could let you have it for 75.

Sold. Bring a cheque round later?

-Brilliant. -[Carrie] See ya.

[newsman on radio] Ronald Cohen was the single biggest

private sector landlord in the Chadwick Green area of Manchester.

Twenty we said, innit?

[newsman continues] His practices were notoriously challenged

by legal action on no less than 25 occasions.

One case was famously scheduled for a High Court hearing.

But it never made its day because the plaintiff...

-[sound of sobbing] -Paddy? Hey!

[newsman continues] ...Sondidrine Duvallier...

Hey, hey.

-What's the matter there? -[gasps]

Come on, Paddy.

-I'll go get Mimi. -Mimi? No.

Ron Cohen.

-Monoxide poisoning. -[prison gate clanking]

There's someone seriously taking the piss out me now.

You know what you need?

-Need a drink. -Taxi, please, Yvonne.

[Yvonne] I think I've got some EasyJet miniatures in the back.

Somewhere.

Ronnie Cohen.

Last time I saw him... owling alley.

Hard core ding-dong, as only close friends can.

Went too far, I know!

Injuries on that scale weren't my intention.

We agreed a truce, mutual admirers, keeping our distance.

Him more than me. He worshipped me.

Third musketeer... down.

Gone!

[thud]

Carbon monoxide poisoning!

Zizzy Ahmed.

Topped himself.

Felix Fawcett.

Suicide.

[doctor] I'm really sorry.

How much longer have I got?

I'm the fourth musketeer!

[sobbing]

And I don't see Satan stopping at three.

Do you?

So, what I was wondering was,

what somebody with a wonderful imagination...

-[Debbie sighs] -...would think about that?

Well, I'd really wanna know

how much you really need to do a parachute jump before committing here.

This might be the only chance I ever get when the time is this right for me.

[Norma] Can't you nip in and talk about this?

No, not really.

Family and everyone wanting everything sorting for 'em.

-Debs, I need a button for this shirt. -[Monica] You're the honey-money wizard.

The best. You know you are, so don't get coy with me, missy.

[Norma] I'd wanna know exactly how much--

Oh, don't be like that. Don't be such a misery guts.

Let me here your sunny-side up voice.

[giggles]

Seen my tie, Debs?

-Imagine me, though, from 1,000 feet. -[doorbell rings]

[Monica] Life and limb!

[postie] Hello, special delivery!

Could land anywhere, on top of somebody. You, maybe.

-[screaming] -[truck horn tooting]

-[thud] -[sirens wailing]

-[doorbell rings] -[sighs angrily] Oh, fucking hell.

That'd stop you whinging.

I don't know how much longer I can live without you, Monica.

[Monica] The thing is, I think it might help get rid of this gender model...

That's for 2A. She's round the back.

[postie] Can't you just give it to her?

Could turn me round completely.

I'd rather drink urine.

Facing me?

[Monica] We've got to use our imaginations, haven't we?

Oh, I want your baps in me mouth, smothering me.

There's a thought. Quite a lot of thoughts, actually.

-Clouds and steam and ozone. -[Norma groaning]

[Monica] And landing there, eh?

[giggles] It's like I'm watching a film here.

You set my heart on fire when you sit on my face!

-Swirling and turning round... -[Norma groaning]

...all the way round.

-Loop the loop, to where? -[Norma groans]

-Hmm? That's the surprise. -[Norma groans]

[Monica] A mystery prize for a mystery person.

Say me... Say my name, Mon! Now. Now!

I'll get back to you when the kids are at school

-safe and sound, all right? -No, no, wait, wait! No, no, wait, wait!

-[Norma groaning] -[postie] Post for ya.

-[Norma] Leave it on the step! -[postie] Needs signing for.

Oh, sign it yourself and fuck off!

Oh, oh! [groaning]

You okay?

Ignore me.

Should listen to what your daddy says.

And learn to put up with this kind of stuff.

What kind of stuff?

Oh, new Karen treating me like a piece of shit.

You what?

Forget it.

Let sleeping dogs lie.

Forget nothing.

What's she been sayin'?

-[Mimi sniffles] -[Mandy] Mum!

[sobbing]

She said something like...

she's just a low-rent, loudmouth drug dealer

in a shitty little dump!

[sobs] Meaning me.

[dramatic music]

What can I get you, Mandy?

Got a baseball bat?

-Has Mandy come in here? -[Karen] Get off me.

-[girls fighting] -[glass breaking]

[Jamie] Oi, oi, oi, come on!

-[girls indistinct] -[Jamie] Mandy! Come on!

-Get off her! Come on! -[girls indistinct]

You're not fit to lick my mum's boots.

Never mind showing her up in public, you sponging piece of shit!

A Maguire, calling me a sponger!

And you! Letting this scrubber loose!

Hey, Mandy, Mum's big enough to fight her own battles!

Exactly what I said.

You must have met enough hairy arse nob-gobblers inside,

why wait 10 years for a woman?

Best you've come up with is half-tramp, half-trannie!

-[Jamie] Hey! Mandy! -[girls grunting]

-Get up! -[Mandy grunts]

What's your show and tell for the last 10 years, Mand?

-[Mandy grunting] -[xxx yelling]

You're looking a lot like a woman you swore you'd never be.

[Lip] We're getting off. Move it.

I'm happy with the changes I've made. Havin' a child I'd die for!

A pleasure you'll never see, not if you get this mutant pregnant.

Twelve toes and more faces than a town hall clock!

-You did all that. Got a kid? -Me and Lip did, yeah.

Plus plenty of other stuff once we get where we're going.

-Yeah, right. Your best laid plan. -More than you've achieved,

-you fucking-- -That's not achievement, you dumb bitch.

You got tanked, got your keks down, let this joker slip you one.

Three minutes tops, nine months to naming it

and the next 20 years convincing yourself that a basic mistake was part of a plan.

No, you don't, Jamie.

-Brother or not... -[both grunt]

-[Jamie] Fucking-- -[Lip cries out]

[Lip screaming]

Fuck's sake, Jamie!

How's Lip taking the blame?

[Mandy] You're not the only Maguire with qualifications.

I got an A, six Bs, one C, just for starters.

-You know nothing about me! -[Lip] No!

[sighs] Bell's gone.

Nip down, will you, and tell Ian to sling a few pints down here.

Two for yourself! [chuckles]

-[Lip grunts] -[Jamie] Here, stick your head back.

[sighs]

-[Lip cries out] -Don't rub them.

-Just blink. -[Lip breathing heavily]

-F... -[Jamie] Here, throw that on your lamps.

Oh, it's true though. Your Mandy.

Way sharper than average.

Yeah, well I'm guessing neither of you got an A in maths.

There's no way you can afford to live as a family.

Not in Nottingham, or anywhere else.

How much is your family costing you now?

Every Thursday I shove Mandy 50 quid for hers and Katie's meals.

It's tough sometimes, but we've stuck to it.

Proved that we can do it, every penny.

Bam, anything spare, whacked in Post Office

for when Katie's old enough to blow it on parties or benders or whatever.

Imagine that, eh? When that happens?

[chuckles] It's gonna freak me out.

Mandy gets subbed two a week from me dad.

She fuck. Who's told you that? [sniffles]

You see, that's Paddy having you on, cos I'm covering everything.

Two hundred?

Since when?

So, what's...

[breathing heavily]

Where's my 50 going?

[Jamie] Lip's trynna guess what nappies cost a week.

Average.

What's routine output? Five, six craps a day,

plus six or seven for just fluids, seven days a week.

Then food, clothes, rent, utilities.

Fifty can't cover that, surely.

[tense music]

[scoffs, sniffs]

Great start, Mand. That's how you're meant to go on.

Back in the your cage. Cunt.

[Micky] Why is it always me?

[crying] Why is it always me?

Why is it always me?!

Because... it... is!

Fuck!

[Paddy] Cut the racket, you dickless fuck. What's your problem?

Actually... is there such a thing as a problem?

Hmm?

If you truly understand the meaning of the word solution?

Three points for speeding on Chadwick Green.

Oh! [chuckles] Ha!

And why isn't that funny, in a post-modern thingy, huh?

[chuckles]

Coming from the slowest fucking organism on God's green earth.

You? For speedin'?

[chuckles]

I've never even been to Chadwick Green!

Jamie had it that weekend.

-[Paddy] Oi! -[Micky] What?

[anticipatory music]

Why would Jamie be riding your bike in Chadwick Green,

when he's in Derbyshire with Karen?

Why did you do this, Mandy?

We needed the help!

But you had me thinking I was supporting the both of us.

Bare-faced fuckin' lies!

D'you even know what this makes me feel like?

"All rejections so far, Mandy."

Not a bit bare-faced? Weeks acting depressed.

Me up till three writing letters to the universities,

calling them all kinds of twats for letting you down!

We swore! Both swore!

If we were gonna do this, we'd only do it off our own--

Where's the harm in a sub if it helps dad feel needed?

-Good for Paddy! -[Mandy] That is our backs.

Never mind what that proves!

Lip's not even close to enough!

Believe what you want, prick!

The only thing that proves without doubt is,

the most important thing Lip needs is what fucking Lip needs!

So, see yourself out, prick!

[door slams]

[dramatic music]

[building alarm ringing]

-Oi! -If you get a number

that isn't the square root of an equational logarithm,

that's a forfeit, yeah?

-Yes. -[Paddy] But,

if I get a dart in the big circle, Bunty, you have to buy me a drink, yeah?

-Yes. -[Paddy] Yeah.

Oh!

Tough.

[Carl] Industrial standard umbrellas...

[Micky] Fixed penalty. 60 quid. Cos of this muppet!

Will you shut up about that fucking ticket!

I've told you it's a technical error, I'll ring 'em.

I've tried, 16 times!

[Jamie] So, I'll pay the fine.

-Can we drop it? -Fine.

But that's me on nine points now!

Another three, bye-bye licence, then I'm stuffed!

No transport!

Yeah, thanks!

Big deal.

-I can't manage without me bike. -You don't go anywhere.

What the fuck's wrong with everyone today?

What are you having a go at me for?

Cos you're always whinging about not getting laid.

So?

So, you're not gonna get any cock hanging round here, are ya?

-So? -Cos you're not getting mine.

So, who's asking?

So stop wasting life. That's pointless enough as it is.

And stop trynna buy me drinks!

-[thud] -[screaming]

[Frank] Oh, come on, Bunty,

you're giving incest a bad name, you dozy bitch.

Grab that first aid box.

But for the grace of God goes every one of us, you know.

-He threw that. -I need an ambulance!

I think I'm gonna faint. Oh, don't be so gay.

-[sighs] -[thud]

Well, stick a pencil down his gob, you know,

or, um, you know, bunch of keys down his keks.

Well, tell him we need some smelling salts.

Alternatively, tourniquet thingy.

How embarrassing's that for a Maguire?

Jamie?

Jamie?

[Carol] Ian!

[dramatic suspenseful music]

[nail technician] Does that feel all right?

[Karen] Lovely.

-Paddy, what you doing? -[technician] Karen, d'you know that man?

Paddy, get off!

Paddy, get off!

Out!

[sighs heavily]

Grave error, Karen, taking me for an imbecile.

-What have I said now? -Not enough for my liking.

Weekends away with my son, where is it you two actually go?

Anderton Lodge weekends.

If you say so.

And who's he talking to there?

Anderton Lodge, it's, it's Jamie's probation course,

so he deals with probation course people, community liaison coppers.

-[beeping] -You know this, Paddy.

Are you okay?

Paddy, look, you're scaring me.

Ring the lodge and ask the staff, the police, the probation officers.

Ask 'em, please!

I did. Indirectly.

-And? -They corroborated.

-[Karen sighs] See? -So, I'm asking her again.

Our nearly new Karen,

What does she know about Ronnie Cohen's death?

Him.

[suspenseful music]

[Paddy] Why the fuck did Jamie want them all dead?

[Karen] One says suicide, the other says accidental death.

[Paddy] I'm aware of that.

But if you know jack shit, why provide alibis for all three dates?

Alibis? We just went on a course.

So, how the fuck's he near Cohen's house the night he died?

He wasn't though.

Except he was.

Jamie was clocked speeding, Chadwick Green 2 a.m.,

the night he's supposedly tucked up in bed with you in Derbyshire.

[muffled screaming]

[Paddy] You do know.

Nothing.

But you do know that I'm not loopy thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

Thank you.

-[Paddy sighs] -[Irish music plays through stereo]

Actually, d'you mind? Helps me focus.

[Irish music plays through stereo]

-[laughter] -[Jamie] Cohen. Ahmed. Fawcett.

They'd agreed to close you down, Dad.

Come again?

Last October when Cohen got paroled,

he persuaded 'em all to put their heads together.

-Regarding me? -To get you.

They were gonna move in in your patch.

Everybody I've ever shared a cell with?

Aggressive envy's a pulse of economics.

Envy's about wanting what someone else has got.

Jealousy's about taking it away from them.

Don't Samuel Pepys me, you Open University prick.

These specimens were total lightweights.

Worse than harmless.

-Not if they joined forces. -There is no patch.

That's not my business model.

I'm in little patches, invisible patches, scattered patches all over the shop.

Precisely engineered to prevent the Fawcetts, Ahmeds, Cohens,

getting the faintest whiff

of what makes Patrick Maguire a man of his time.

These jokers...

they weren't capable of joining three dots.

You fucking barbarian.

No.

But our Fergal was joining the dots for them.

Fergal was on Zizzy Ahmed's pay roll.

So help me!

[Jamie grunts]

Denounce your brother again

and I'll kick you up there with him to make apologies.

And he has been since last September.

[coughing, breathing heavily]

A villa in our Fergal's name.

Zizzy bought him that as a down payment.

[dramatic music]

I heard whispers from a new cellmate.

I couldn't get you involved.

­You'da waded-in and you'da whacked the lot of 'em.

No thought for consequences.

Life for murder.

-[Paddy] And a pleasure. -Not for Mum.

Not for your family.

And especially not for me who's this close to a release date.

That's why you suddenly reversed your plea.

After ten years denying it.

[gasps]

I needed parole because you needed help.

I've helped.

Was it them fuckers that worked Fergal?

[Jamie] He was gonna bottle it.

And they couldn't risk him grassing to you.

Source for that?

[Jamie] Horse's mouth.

Felix Fawcett.

Just before he topped himself.

-[dramatic music] -[Fawcett screaming]

Good boy.

[Karen] He didn't!

He's lying again because he couldn't have.

Anderton Lodge,

You never left my side... except for the last time.

I spiked your spliff with PVK.

[Karen] We both smoked it.

[Jamie] I didn't inhale.

[Karen] That's why I had massive downers on Mondays.

[Jamie] I only did it so you wouldn't know enough to get into trouble, Karen.

I'm so sorry.

[Karen] You're not the only one, Paddy.

So, what about your alibi?

Cops at Anderton Lodge.

And me.

What?

Plus me?

Your new Karen?

Who thought she'd agreed to be somebody's wife.

As opposed to bunging some legal loophole

that says she can't testify against her husband.

You were only marrying me for an alibi.

No.

Well, fuck the lot of youz.

[sniffs]

[thunder rumbles]

[Umi] It's all very well saying don't sell tobacco to minors

-but that's 70% of our bleedin' regulars. -[Yvonne] But, you watch,

they'll stop us selling lollipops to fat kids next.

-All right, that is it! -[mugger cries out]

-[Umi] Stop! -[Yvonne] Get the police.

-[mugger grunting] -[Yvonne grunts]

I think you'll find, Sonny, that the bag is mine!

[Umi] We need the police for a mugging.

-[Yvonne] Carl! -[Carl sobbing]

Shit.

[sobbing] I'm sorry, Yvonne.

I didn't know it were you.

-Never mind it's me. -[Carl sobbing]

[Umi] Yvonne.

Hello, yeah, can I have two Beghan Murghi's, please,

a Lamb Pasanda and some chapatis. What?

Oh, I'm really sorry.

I've got you both on speed-dial. Musta pressed the wrong number.

[unintelligible]

Keys in there, go get the car.

[Carl sobbing]

[Carl] I needed the money.

If we all needed money that badly, Carl,

what kinda world would we be living in, eh?

-[man] Got couple of quid for some smack? -Fuck off.

[Yvonne sighs]

For what?

For what?

I've got a girl pregnant.

Oh! How many times have I...

Are you right in your bleeding head?

What have I always told you about condoms? Why d'you think

I don't make anything on the mark-up, Carl?

They're not luxuries. You shouldn't even leave the house

without checking there's one in your wallet.

Haven't I always said that?

I haven't got a wallet.

What's her name?

-We need to talk about this one, Carl. -Don't you be twatting 'im.

I need him alive.

He's gonna be working this off in shop for a long, long time.

Xxx you neither. Can you nip home and tell the kids where I am.

The kids are in the car.

Why, what have you brought 'em here for?

Cos... it's not your house anymore.

-What? -[Umi] Crawling with cops.

They've sealed it off.

Assets recovery agency.

No one's allowed in until they've recovered all the money

your husband pilfered.

My husband?

[Yvonne] Oi!

Get off.

I've worked for years for everything in that house. [sobbing]

It's nowhere near fair.

It's nowhere near fair.

-[Yvonne sighs] -[emotive music]

[Gregory] Services have arranged emergency housing

for you and the kids.

Clean-ish gaff down Parson's Wood.

-Half me family still live there. -[Gregory] That's all right then, innit?

-[sobbing] -[emotive music]

For what we are about to rec...

How come you lot never eat round at yours?

Cos he put a nail through the gas pipe.

For what we are about to...

When?

[Micky] January.

For what we are about...

But you've turned the gas off?

[Micky] He did.

For what we are about to receive may the Lord make us truly thankful. A...

-Paddy? -[door slams]

[Shane] Amen. I'm stealing...

Where've you been?

What's wrong with an April wedding if we're claiming to be renegades?

We are in April.

So we are.

Are you out your fuckin' mind, Paddy?

[chuckles] No...

Madam, actually not.

I'm definitely not out of my mind, but, Madam, thank you for the concern.

You'd best tell me what the fuck's going on 'ere.

[Paddy sighs] I need this wedding signed and sorted

like Saturday...

or this world of ours goes tits up forever, Mimi.

You know, we're right to be scared. Know why?

They're not children any more.

[dramatic music]

-This got left for you. -Oh! Watch the step, mind.

How's it going there, the refurb?

[Mr. Cosy] They're annoyingly undersurprising.

Come and have a gander. Or a goose even. [chuckles]

[mellow music]

-Oh, my God, Carl, what have you done? -I need a tenner for the taxi.

Quick, before it's 11.

What have you done now, you big, daft, gormless apoth?

New rule, no stamping up stairs when I'm working stuff out.

-Ta-ra. -[Monica] Oh, hello there.

-This is Norma Starky speaking. -[man on phone] Hi, Norma.

I've got one of your people sprucing up my Norma mobile,

could you just remind me what that's costing me in total, please?

[man on phone] Three thousand four hundred plus VAT.

Thank you. And, um, have you any idea where I'm finding the money?

[anticipatory music]

-[Carl sobbing] -Carl, who have you got pregnant?

In his dreams, the gimp.

The day he starts multiplying

we all need to start running and taking cover.

That so, Lip?

[Lip grunts]

-[Debbie] Carl! -So what's the secret of your success, eh?

Lip Gallagher, loving the sound of his own smart-arsed voice.

-[Debbie] Stop! -Talking the talk about going somewhere.

And being somebody.

Being what? What?

When you got Mandy pregnant, the only person you talked about were you.

I'd pay anything not to be like you.

Having to pay for an abortion so I don't end up like ya.

Because the first time you have kids,

I wanna be the furthest, the absolute fucking furthest I could,

from looking anything... like people... like you.

[Carl sobbing]

-[Carl sniffs] -Who is it, Carl?

Carl, who is it?

I can't help you if I don't know the facts.

Facts are nobody else's business.

-Oh, only me. -We're busy.

Debbie, Yvonne's downstairs, says she wants to see you.

She knows.

For fuck's sake, she knows.

It's Meena!

Carl, swear it's not Meena.

[Lip] Yvonne's Meena?

[Carl sobbing]

Hiya, it's Karen, leave a message.

Maybe she's gone down to her mother's.

Frank might have an address.

When your dad got paroled from Wandsworth,

I said if it's taught you nothing else, you know how to make a decent bed, mister.

It'll sort itself out.

We'll find her.

[whispers] Hero.

[dramatic music]

Big favour, Debs.

[sobbing] We need somewhere to live.

Course.

We can make some room for a few days.

I don't mean board or lodgings.

I've been on phone to your Fiona,

I've agreed a price for next door.

I just help with bedding and shit till we get sorted.

Yvonne... you can't live here.

I can live where I want if I'm paying in cash, Carl.

-[anticipatory music] -Tell her.

Meena's pregnant.

To me.

In her dreams she's pregnant.

Like last five lads she tried this on with.

Hey? How much did she ask you for?

Five hundred by Friday.

[Yvonne yelling] What have I told you?

That is a blackmail.

So, you're not?

This isn't fair, you spoil everything.

What did that doctors say, Ches?

She needs admitting, Mrs. Karib.

The shrink we paid for.

Oh, two sessions a week.

[together] She'll be right as rain in a year!

[laughing]

-[cries out] -I don't think so, pal,

cos you must've got somewhere near to think she were.

Never again.

-Give me your word. -[cries out]

-Right. -[dramatic music]

Lip, it's Jamie.

Look, I'm sorry about what happened but I need a favour.

D'you know what time it is, you mad twat?

I know, mate, I'm sorry, but I need an address for Karen's mum.

Well, your dad must know where she's living.

[sighs] I'm not asking him.

Just tell him I wouldn't be waking him up if it wasn't an emergency.

He's not asleep.

So, what's the problem?

-[dance music playing] -Dad.

Dad?

-[Frank] What? Yeah? -[Lip] It's for you.

-The phone for you. -What now? Fucking hell.

[Jamie] I just need an address or a landline number.

-What? -For Sheila.

I'll give you a number.

And in at number nine this week is "Pick As You Wish"... [chuckles]

With, er, hits Bohemian thingy.

Plus Pan's People showing their snatch on prime-time television.

It wrecks yer kecks, man.

'[grunts] What's that whack!

-[Frank unintelligible] -What's all the noise?

-[dramatic music] -[siren wails]

Sorry, Karen.

It's our Mickey's.

I've never used one of these before.

You need warning, though.

Some of this is gonna need details you won't like listenin' to.

It's the only option I have

if it's my last chance I get to clear my name with you.

Don't say you weren't warned.

[dramatic music]

[emotive music]

Forever our child, forever our keeper.

God owes you one.

Night-night.

And how long can I work there without applying for a permit officially?

[agent] Well, for the first three months...

[Karen stammering]

[agent] Sorry, what you doin'?

You can't go in there!

Do one!

[agent] If I could just get your credit card number

we could be getting on with the booking, madam.

The fact we haven't hit it off...

I bet you think I don't like women.

I'm more used to boys. Easier to please.

Less imagination.

A few days round yours, I felt great.

Only child, middle of a massive family.

Maybe.

Or twigging 'em further up the barrel than I ever thought possible.

You don't need a wedding to stop me grassing on him.

I honestly couldn't be fucked.

Life's too short, Mimi.

And, hey... so are you.

Height's no advantage if your brain's anorexic, Tinkerbell.

-[camcorder beeping] -[anticipatory music]

[Jamie] Like the eternity ring, Karen,

this is yours forever to do with what you want.

So long as you know it proves beyond doubt that I didn't need you as an alibi.

I asked you to marry me

because you're the only woman I couldn't be without.

I murdered all three of them.

I'm not proud of that, by any means,

but they deserved it and I'll do it again under the same circumstances.

-Obviously, I'll never have... -Jesus, Mimi!

If this gets out, they'll bang him up for good.

Up the barrel to you.

Guard it with his life.

Twenty million women... name one with vows like yours.

That's why boys make good company, Karen.

Mine, anyway.

[Meena] It's miles to my school from here.

Mine's nearer. Longer in bed.

I can't afford school fees and private shrinks.

I've got you both into Chatsworth High School.

Mum! No, Mum! You can't! I'm not going there!

-[school bell rings] -[tyres screeching]

You were fucked up enough with one personality!

I told you!

[Debbie] Fifty-p for a cup of tea, mister...

Get back in your car or you're going home in a coffin.

I heard you landed this place. I brought you this.

So, is that the thing?

Throw families out on the street and bring 'em a plant to look afta?

Nobody enjoys repossessing houses.

Well, don't fucking do it then!

What d'you think, Norma?

For once in my life, I actually feel like I got me money's worth!

Ho-ho-ho! Okay, make that twice in me life!

Oh!

This a happenin' thing then, eh, chick? Innit?

Ergh! Full-on gays, kissing!

[grimaces]

-What's going on? -[Norma] We're off!

-[Norma chuckles] -You're not going for good?

It was your idea, buddy boy.

I said pretend you're going somewhere.

How's it going, Mr. Cosy?

I didn't mean you should actually go to Texas.

Fuck's sake, Norma.

[funky upbeat music]

-[Debbie] Carl! -[Carl] You can't leave!

Since when did my house become a refugee camp?

Since you moved in to the Jockey and stopped paying us rent.

And I took over mortgage. And if Carol asks very nicely, in Urdu,

you might get a lift back to pub with these.

Over-educated pikeys.

A working-class variant known to us as two-faced, jumped-up cunts.

No abbreviation available, sorry.

Billions taxpayers' money.

Persuading scabby little know-alls that they can be anything they want.

That there's a place for 'em at the top

if they work twice as hard as a semi-detached.

Tinkers with nits and social workers turning into captains of industry,

Members of Parliament,

teachers, lawyers, doctors and, you know...

fucking them lot, thingies.

We know how it's meant to work. Float to the top,

sending privileges downstream to us.

Well, name one!

Second they see past Stafford, they're laughing at us!

Treat us like fucking infections! Us!

You know, the hands that fed 'em.

Us, the ones that taught them everything they know.

Crossing the eyes, dropping the ees.

So forth. [chuckles]

Hey! Uh, exhibit A.

Poor old, fucking whatsit... Eugene!

Double shift every day for ten years

so their Christabelle could train as a lawyer.

What thanks did she give him? Er, hello?

Seven years' sentence for fiddling with her yonks back.

But yonks back!

Hey, suggestion box.

Leave the pikeys with us.

Spend some of the savings on welfare,

hold a few bob back for, you know, consequences.

Redundancies, riots, civil disorders, etcetera.

Job done, tick, over and out.

What was your question again, sorry?

Shift your seat, please, Frank, cos these should be in the freezer.

You buyin' us a drink, Bo' Selecta?

Get lost!

Get fucked then. Shan't.

[Norma grunts] Bloody hell, Mon. What you got in 'ere?

Just a few bikinis and that.

[Norma] Man, it's Texas, not Tenerife.

[Monica] I know, but it's gonna be hot and I wanna top up my tan.

You like it when I'm all tanned, don't you? And oily.

-[Norma, Monica giggle] -Frank] What's this?

[Norma] No. Well, hang on. Hang on, actually.

Did you manage to?

[Monica gasps] How many sides can a love triangle have?

First you're cold, you're heartless, you're smelly,

and then suddenly, soppy.

Gradually building up your strength to win your girl back. Again?

Well, lezzers or not, you're just showing yourselves up.

You know.

Come on! Inside!

Get changed into penis-based clobber

and we can hire thee off for a shitload of Tweezers, fair lady.

Oh, he's right, Norm. I mean, if we set off now,

we'd only hit the traffic.

Why don't you come to the pub with us?

It'll be a laugh!

-[Frank chuckles] -[clicks tongue]

[Monica, Frank laughing]

[church bells ringing]

["Wedding March" instrumental]

["Never Forget" by Take That]

♪ We've come so far And we've reached so high ♪

♪ And we've looked each day and night In the eye ♪

♪ And we're still so young ♪

♪ And we hope for more ♪

♪ We've come a long way

♪ But we're not too sure Where we've been ♪

♪ Doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ We've had success Doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ We've had good times Doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ But remember this ♪

♪ Been on this path of life for so long ♪

♪ Feel I've walked a thousand miles ♪

♪ Sometimes strolled hand-in-hand With love ♪

♪ Everybody's been there ♪

♪ With danger on my mind ♪

♪ I would stand on the line of hope ♪

♪ And I knew I could make it

♪ Once I knew the boundaries ♪

♪ I looked into the clouds and saw ♪

♪ My face in the moonlight ♪

♪ Just then I realised What a fool I could be ♪

♪ Just 'cause I look so high I don't have to see me ♪

♪ Finding a paradise wasn't easy But still ♪

♪ There's a road going down The other side of this hill ♪

♪ Never forget Where you've come here from ♪

♪ Never pretend that it's all real ♪

♪ Someday soon This will all be someone else's dream ♪

♪ This'll be someone else's dream ♪

♪ Never Everybody sing ♪

♪ Never No never ♪

♪ Never forget, no, no Someday ♪

♪ Come on, come on Everybody, everybody ♪

♪ Everybody, everybody, everybody ♪

[cheering, clapping]

♪ Never forget Where you've come here from ♪

♪ Never pretend that it's all real ♪

♪ Someday soon This will all be someone else's dream ♪

♪ This will be someone else's dream ♪

♪ We've come so far And we've reached so high ♪

♪ And we've looked each day and night In the eye ♪

[Frank singing to "Here Comes The Bride"] I shagged the bride, I shagged the bride

[murmuring]